Enter Sir Will. Sentlove, Mr. Hairecut.
Sent.Madam the humblest of your servants isExalted to a happinesse, if you smileVpon my visit.Ha.I must begge your charitieVpon my rudenesse Madam, I shall giveThat day up lost to any happinesse,When I forget to tender you my service.Cel.You practise Courtship gentlemen.Sent.But cannotFind where with more desert to exercise it,What Ladie's this I pray?Cel.A kinswomanOf mine sirWilliam.Sent.I am more her servant.Cel.You came from Court, now I presume.Ha.Tis MadamThe sphere I move in, and my destinieWas kinde to place me there, where J enjoyAll blessings that a mortall can possesse,That lives not in your presence, and J shouldFixe my ambition, when you would vouchsafeMe so much honour, to accept from meAn humble entertainment there.Cel.But byWhat name shall I be knowne, in what degreeShall J be of kinred to you.Hair.How meane you Madam?Cel.Perhaps you'le call me sister, I shall take itA speciall preferment, or it may beJ may passe under title of your Mistresse,If I seeme rich, and faire enough, to engageYour confidence to owne me.Ha.J would hope.Cel.But tis not come to that yet, you will sirExcuse my mirth.Ha.Sweet Madam.Cel.Shall J takeBoldnesse to aske what place you hold in Court?Tis an uncivill curiositie,But you'le have mercie to a womans question.Ha.My present condition Madam, carriesHonour and profit, though not to be nam'dWith that employment J expect i'th stateWhich shall discharge the first maturitieVpon your knowledge, untill then I beggeYou allow a modest silence.Cel.I am charmd sir,And if you scape embassador, you cannotReach a preferment, wherein I'me against you,But where's sirWilliam Sentlove?Ha.Give him leaveTo follow his nose Madam, while he huntsIn view, hee'le soone be at a fault.Cel.You know him.Ha.KnowSentlove? not a page but can decipher him,The waitingwomen know him to a scruple,Hee's cal'd the Blistermaker of the towne.Cel.Whats that?Is.The laundry Ladies can resolve you,And you may guesse, an arrant EpicureAs this day lives, borne to a prettie wit,A Knight but no gentleman; J mustBe plaine to you, your Ladiship may haveVse of this knowledge, but conceale the author.Sen.J kisse your fairest hand.Mar.You make a difference,Pray reconcile e'm to an equall whitenesse.Sent.You wound my meaning Lady.Cel.Nay sirWilliamHas the art of complement.Sent.Madam, you honor me'Bove my desert of language.Cel.Will you pleaseTo enrich me with your knowledge of that gentleman.Sent.Doe you not know him Madam.Cel.What is he?Sen.A Camphire ball, you shall know more hereafterHe shall tell you himselfe, and save my character,Till then, you see hee's proud.Cel.One thing gentlemenI observe in your behaviour, which is rareIn two that court one mistresse, you preserveA noble friendship, theres no gum withinYour hearts, you cannot fret, or shew an envyOf one anothers hope, some would not governeTheir passions with that temper.Sent.The whole worldShanot divorce our friendship. MrHairecutWould I had lives to serve him, he is lostTo goodnesse does not honour him.Ha.My knight!Cel.This is right playing at Court Shuttlecocke.
Enter Gentlew.
Gen.Madam, there is a gentleman desiresTo speake w'ee, one sirThomas Bornwell.Cel.Bornewell?Gen.He sayes he is a stranger to your Ladiship.Sen.I know him.Haire.Your neighbour Madam.Sen.Husband to the Lady, that so revells in the strand.Ha.He has good parts they say, but cannot helpeHis Ladies bias.Cel.They have both much fameIth towne for severall merits, pray admit him.Ha.What comes he for?Enter sir Thomas.Bo.Your pardon noble Lady, that I havePresum'd a stranger to your knowledge.Cel.Sir,Your worth was here before you, and your personCannot be here ingratefull.Bor.Tis the bountyOf your sweet disposition Madam, make meYour servant lady by her faire example,To favour me—I never knew one turneHer cheeke to a gentleman that came to kisse herBut sha'd a stinking breath, your servant gentlemen,Will Sentlovehow ist?Cel.I am sorry CozeTo accuse you, we in nothing more betrayOur selves to censure of ridiculous pride,Then answering a faire salute too rudely,Oh it shewes ill upon a gentlewomanNot to returne the modest lip, if sheWould have the world beleeve, her breath is notOffensive.Bor.Madam, I have businesseWith you.Sent.His lookes are pleasant.Cel.With me sir?Bor.I heare you have an ex'lent wit Madam,I see your faire.Cel.The first is but report,And doe not trust your eyesight for the last,Cause I presume y'are mortall and may erre.Ha.He is very gamesome.Bor.Y'ave an ex'lent voyce;They say you catcht it from a dying Swan,Which joyn'd to the sweete harmony of your lute,You ravish all mankind.Cel.Ravish mankind?Bo.With their consent.Cel.It were the stranger rape,But there's the lesse inditement lies against it,And there is hope, your little honestiesCannot be much the worse, for men doe ratherBeleeve they had a maiden head, then putThemselves to'th racke of memory, how longTis since they left the burden of their innocence.Bo.Why you are bitter Madam.Cel.So is physicke,I doe not know your constitution.Bo.You shall if please you Madam.Cel.Y'are too hasty,I must examine what certificateYou have, first to preferre you.Bo.Fine! certificate?Cel.Vnder your Ladies hand, and seale.Bor.Go to,I see you are a wag.Cel.But take heede, howYou trust too't.Bor.I can love you in my wedlocke,As well as that young gallant, oth first haire,Or the knight Bachelor, and can returneAs amorous delight to thy soft bosome.Cel.Your person and your language are both strangers.Bo.But may be more familiar, I have thoseThat dare make affidavit for my body.Cel.D'ee meane your Surgeon?Bor.My Surgeon Madam?I know not how you value my abilities,But I dare undertake, as much, to expresseMy service to your Ladiship, and withAs fierce ambition, fly to your commands,As the most valiant of these, 'lay siege to you.Cel.You dare not sir.Bor.How Madam?Cel.I will justifi't.You dare not marry me, and I imagineSome here should I consent, would fetch a priestOut of the fire.Bor.I have a wife indeede.Cel.And there's a statute not repeald I take it.Bor.Yar'e in the right I must confesse y'ave hit,And bled me in a master veine.Cel.You thinkeI tooke you on the advantage, use your bestSkill at defence, Ile come up to your valourAnd shew another worke you dare not doe,You dare not sir be vertuous.Bor.I dare,By this faire hand I dare, and aske a pardonIf my rude words offend thy innocence,Which in a forme so beautifull, would shineTo force a blush in them suspected it,And from the rest draw wonder.Ha.I like notTheir secret parly, shall I interrupt em?Is.By no meanes sir.Sent.SirThomaswas not wontTo shew so much a Courtier.Mar.He cannotBe prejudiciall to you, suspect notYour owne deserts so much, hee's married.Bo.I have other businesse Madam, you keepe musicke,I came to try how you can dance.Cel.You did? Ile trie his humour out of breath,Although boast no cunning sir in revells,If you desire to shew your art that way,I can waite on you.Bor.You much honour me,Nay all must joyne to make a harmony.
They dance.
Bor.I have nothing now, Madam, but to beseechAfter a pardon for my boldnesse, youWould give occasion to pay my gratitude,I have a house will be much honourdIf you vouchsafe your presence, and a wifeDesires to present her selfe your servant,I Came with the ambition to invite you,Deny me not, your person you shall trustOn faire securitie.Cel.Sir, although I use notThis freedome with a stranger, you shall haveNo cause to hold me obstinate.Bor.You grace meSirWilliam Sentlove—Ha.I must take my leave,You will excuse me Madam, Court attendances——Cel.By any meanes.Bor.Ladies you will vouchsafeYour company.Is.M. We waite upon you sir.Exeunt.
Enter Lord unready. Hairecut preparing his Periwigge, Table, and Lookingglasse.
Lor.What houre ist?Ha.Bout three'a clocke my Lord.Bor.Tis time to rise.Ha.Your Lordship went but lateTo bed last night.Lor.Twas early in the morning.Enter Secre.Sec.Expect a while, my Lord is busie?Lor.Whats the matter?Sec.Here is a LadyDesires accesse to you upon some affairesShe saies may specially concerne your Lordship.Lor.A Lady? What her name?Sec.MadamDecoy.Lor.Decoy?prethee admit her.Enter Decoy.Have you businesse MadamWith me?Decoy.And such I hope as will not beOffensive to your Lordship.Lor.I pray speake it.De.I would desire your Lordships eare more private.Lor.Waite i'th next chaber till I call, now Madam.Exeunt.De.Although I am a stranger to your LordshipI wo'd not lose a faire occasion offer'd,To shew how much I honour, and would serve you.Lor.Please you to give me the particularThat I may know the extent of my engagement,I am ignorant by what desert you shouldBe encouragd to have care of me.De.My Lord,I will take boldnesse to be plaine, besideYour other excellent parts, you have much fameFor your sweet inclination to our sexe.Lor.How dee meane Madam?Dec.I'that way your LordshipHath honorably practisd upon someNot to be nam'd, your noble constancieTo a mistresse hath deserv'd our generall vote,And I a part of woman kind have thoughtHow to expresse my duty.Lor.In what Madam?Dec.Be not so strange my Lord, I know the beautyAnd pleasures of your eyes, that hansome creatureWith whose faire life all your delight tooke leave,And to whose memory you have paid too muchSad tribute.Lor.Whats all this?Dec.This, if your LordshipAccept my service, in pure zeale to cureYour melancholy, I could point where you mightRepaire your losse.Lor.Your Ladiship I conceiveDoth trafficke in flesh marchandize.De.To menOf honour like your selfe, I am well knowneTo some in court and come not with ambitionNow to supplant your officer.Lor.What isThe Lady of pleasure you preferre.De.A LadyOf birth and fortune, one upon whose vertueI may presume, the LadyAretina.Lor.Wife to sirThomas Bornwell?Dec.The same sir.Lor.Have you prepard her?De.Not for your Lordship, till I have found your pulse,I am acquainted with her dispositionShe has a very appliable nature.Lor.And Madam when expect you to be whiptFor doing these fine favors.De.How my Lord?Your Lordship does but jeast I hope, you makeA difference betweene a Lady thatDoes honorable offices, and oneThey call a bawd, your Lordship was not wontTo have such course opinion of our practice.Lor.The LadyAretinais my kinswoman.De.What if she be my Lord? the nearer bloudThe dearer sympathie.Lor.Ile have thee carted.De.Your Lordship wonot so much staine your honourAnd education, to use a womanOf my qualitie.——Lord.——Tis possible you mayBe sent off with an honorable convoyOf Halberdeers.De.Oh my good Lord!Lor.Your Ladiship shall be no protectionIf thou but staist three minutes.De.I am gone,When next you finde rebellion in your bloud,May all within ten mile o'th court turne honest.Exit.Lor.I doe not finde that pronenesse since the faireBella Mariadied, my bloud is cold,Nor is there beautie enough survivingTo highten me to wantonnesse, who waites?And what said my Lady?Enter Hairecut.Ha.The silent language of her face my LordWas not so pleasant, as it shewd uponHer entrance.Lor.Would any man that meetesThis Lady take her for a bawde.Ha.She doesThe trade an honor, credit to the profession,We may in time see baldnesse, quarter noses,And rotten legges to take the wall of footclothes.Lor.I ha thought better, call the Lady backe,I wonot lose this opportunitie,Bid her not feare, the favour is not common,And ile reward it. I doe wonder muchWill Sentlovewas not here to day.Ha.I heard him say this morning, he would waiteVpon your Lordship.She is returnd sir.Enter Secre. and Decoy.Sec.Madam be confident my Lords not angry.Bor.You returne welcome Madam, you are betterRead in your art I hope then to be frightedWith any shape of anger, when you bringSuch newes to gentlemen, Madam you shallSoone understand how I accept the office.De.You are the first Lord, since I studied carriage,That shew'd such infidelity and furyVpon so kind a message, every gentlemanWill shew some breeding, but if one right honourableShould not have noble bloud.Lor.You shall returneMy complement in a letter to my LadyAretina, favour me with a little patience,Shew her that chamber.De.Ile attend your Lordship.Ex.Lor.Write, Madam where your honour is in danger,My love must not be silent.Enter Sentlove and Kickshaw.SentloveandKickshaw!Kic.Your Lordship's busie.Lor.Writing a letter, nay it shanot barreAny discourse.Sec.——Silent.Lo.Though I be no Physitian, I may prevent a feaver in your bloud,And where have you spent the mornings conversation?Sent.Where you would have given the best BarbaryIn your stable to have met on honorable termes.Lor.What new beautie? You acquaint your selvesWith none but wonders.Sent.Tis too low a miracle.Lor.Twill require a strong faith.Secr.Your bloud.Lor.If you be innocent preserve your fame least thisDecoyMadam betray it to your repentance.By what name is she knowne?Sent.AskeAlexander, he knowes her?Alex.Whom?Sent.The LadyCelestina.Lor.He has a vast knowledge of Ladies, las pooreAlexander!When dost thou meane thy body shall lie fallow?Al.When there is mercy in a petticote,I must turne pilgrime for some breath.Lor.I thinkeTwere cooler travell if you examine itVpon the hoofe through Spaine.Sent.ThroughEthiopia.Lor.Nay lesse laborious to serve a prentishipIn Peru, and dig gold out of the mine,Though all the yeare were dogdayes.Sec.To repentance.Lor.In briefe, this Lady, could you fall from vertue,Within my knowledge will not blush to be a Bawde.Sent.But hang't tis honorable journey worke,Thou art famous by't, and thy name's up.Alex.So sir,let me aske you a question my deare knight,Which is lesse servile to bring up the Pheasant,And waite, or sit at table uncontrouldAnd carve to my owne appetite?Sent.No more,Th'art witty, as I am—Sec.A bawd.Sent.How's that?Al.Oh you are famous by't and your names up sir.Lor.Be wise, and reward my caution, withTimely care of your selfe, so I shall not repentTo be knowne your lovings kinsman and servant.Gentlemen, the LadyCelestina.Is she so rare a thing?Alex.If you'le have myOpinion my Lord, I never sawSo sweete, so faire, so rich a peece of nature.Lor.Ile shew thee a fairer presently, to shameThy eyes and judgement, looke o'that.——So Ile subscribeSeale it, ile excuse your pen for the direction.Al.Bella Mariaspicture; she was hansome.Sent.But not to be compar'd.Lor.Your patience gentlemen ile returne instantly.Exit.Al.Whither is my Lord gone?Sec.To a Lady i'th next Chamber.Sen.What is she?Sec.You shall pardon me, I am his Secretary.Sen.I was wont to be of his counsell, a new officerAnd I not know't? I am resolvd to batterAll other with the praise ofCelestinaI must retaine him.Enter Lord.Lor.Has not that objectConvinc't your erring judgements.Al.What this picture?Lor.Were but your thoughts as capable as mineOf her Idea, you would with no thoughtThat were not active in her praise aboveAll worth and memory of her sexe.Sent.She was faireI must confess, but had your Lordship look'dWith eyes more narrow and some lesse affectionVpon her face.Alex.I doe not love the copiesOf any dead, they make me dreame of goblins,Give me a living mistresse, with but halfeThe beauty ofCelestina, come my Lord,Tis pitty that a Lord of so much fleshShould waste upon a ghost, when they are livingCan give you a more honourable consumption.Sen.Why doe you meane my Lord to live an Infidell?Doe, and see what will come ont, observe stillAnd dote upon your vigills, build a chamberWithin a rocke, a tombe, among the wormes,Not farre off, where you may in proofe apocryphallCourt em not devoure the pretty pile.Of flesh your mistresse carried to the grave,There are no women in the world, all eyesAnd tongue and lippes are buried in her coffin.Lor.Why doe you thinke your selves competent Judges,Of beauty gentlemen?Both.What should hinder us?Al.I have seene and tried as many as anotherWith a mortall backe.Lord.Your eyes are bribd,And your hearts chain'd to some desires, you cannotEnjoy the freedome of a sence.Alex.Your LordshipHas a cleare eyesight, and can judge and penetrate.Lor.I can, and give a perfect censure ofEach line and point, distinguish beautie fromA thousand formes, which your corrupted optiksWould passe for naturall.Sent.I desire no otherJudge should determine us, and if your LordshipDare venture but your eyes upon this Lady,Ile stand their justice, and be confidentYou shall giveCelestinevictorie,And triumph ors all beauties past and living.Al.I dare my Lord venture a sute of clothes,You will be orecome.Lor.You doe not know my fortitude.Sent.Nor frailtie, you dare not trust you selfe to see he.Lor.Thinke you so gentlemen, I dare see this creatureTo make you know your errors, and the differenceOf her, whose memory is my Saint, not trustMy sences? J dare see, and speake with her,Which holds the best acquaintance to prepareMy visit to her.Sent.I will doo't my Lord.Al.Shee is a Lady free in entertainements.Lor.I would give this advantage to your cause,Bid him appeare in all the ornamentsDid ever waite on beautie, all the richesPride can put on, and teach her face more charmeThen ever Poet drest upVenusin,Bid her be all the graces, and the queeneOf love in one, Ile see herSentlove, andBring off my heart arm'd, but single thoughtOf one that is dead, without a wound, and whenI have made your follie prisoner, ile laugh at you.Sent.She shall expect you, trust me for knowledge.Lor.I'me for the present somewhere else engagd,Let me heare from you.Sent.So I am glad hee's yetSo neere conversion.Alex.I am forAretina.Sent.No mention of my Lord.Alex.Prepare his Lady,Tis time he were reduc'd to the old sport,One Lord like him more would undoe the court.Exit.
Enter Aretina with a letter. Decoy.
De.He is the ornament of your bloud Madam,I am much bound to his Lordship.Are.He gives youA noble character.De.Tis his goodnesse Madam.Are.I wanted such an engine, my Lord hasDone me a curtesie to disclose her nature,I now know one to trust, and will employ her.Touching my Lord, for reasons, which I shallOffer to your Ladiship hereafter, IDesire you would be silent, but to shewHow much I dare be confident in your secrecie,I powre my bosome forth, I love a gentlemanOn whom there woo'not meet much conjurationTo meet—your eare—De.I apprehend you, and I shallBe happy to be serviceable, I am sorryYour Ladiship did not know me before now,I have done offices, and not a fewOf the nobilitie, but have done featesWithin my house, which is convenientfor situation, and artfull chambers,And pretty pictures to provoke the fancie.
Enter Littleworth.
Lit.Madam all pleasures languish in your absence.Are.Your pardon a few minutes sir——you mustContrive it thus.Lit.I attend, and shall account itHonour to waite on your returne.Are.He must notHave the least knowledge of my name, or person.De.I have practisd that already for some great ones,And dare agen to satisfie you Madam;I have a thousand wayes to doe sweet offices.Lit.If this LadyAretinashould be honest,I ha lost time, shee's free as aire, J mustHave closer conference, and if I have art,Make her affect me in revenge.De.This evening?Leave me to manage things.Are.You will oblige me.De.You shall commend my art, and thanke me after.Ex.Are.I hope the revells are maintained within.Lit.By sirThomasand his Mistris.Are.How? his Mistris.Lit.The LadyCelestina, I nere sawEyes shoote more amorous enterchange.Are.Ist so?Lit.He weares her favor with ore pride.Ar.Her favor?Lit.A feather that he ravish'd from her fan.Lit.And is so full of courtship, which she smiles on.Are.Tis well.Lit.And praises her beyond all poetry.Are.I'me glad he has so much wit.Lit.Not jealous!Are.This secures me, what would make other Ladies paleWith jealousie, gives but a licence to my wandrings,Let him now taxe me if he dare——and yetHer beauti's worth my envie, and I wishRevenge upon it, not because he loves,But that it shines above my owne.Enter Alex.Al.Deare Madam.Are.I have it, you two gentlemen professeMuch service to me, if I have a wayTo employ your wit and secrecie.Both.You'le honour us.Are.You gave a high and worthy characterOfCelestina.Alex.I remember Madam.Are.Doe either of you love her?Alex.Not I Madam.Lit.I wod not, if I might.Are.Shee's now my guest,And by a tricke invited by my husbandTo disgrace me, you gentlemen are heldWits of the towne, the Consulls that doe governeThe Senate here, whose jeeres are all authenticke,The Tavernes and the Ordinaries areMade academies where you come, and allYour sinnes and surfets made the times example,Your very nods can quell a Theater,No speech or Poem good without your seale,You can protect scurrility, and publishBy your authority beleev'd, no raptureOught to have honest meaning.Alex.Leave our characters.Lit.And name the emploiment.Are.You must exerciseThe strength of both your wits upon this Lady,And talke her into humblenesse or angerBoth which are equall to my thought, if youDare undertake this slight thing for my sake,My favour shall reward it, but be faithfull,And seeme to let all spring from your owne freedome.Ale.This all? We can defame her, if you pleaseMy friend shall call her whore or any thing,And never be endangerd to a duell.Are.How's that?Al.He can endure a cudgelling, and no manWill fight after so faire a satisfaction,But leave us to our Art, and doe not limit us.Are.They are here, begin not till I whisper you.
Enter Sir Thomas, Celestina, Marcana, Isabella.
Ar.Je vous prie Madam d'excuser l'importunitè de mes affairesQui m'ont fait offenser, par mon absence, une dame de la quelleI'ay receu tant d'obligation.Cel.Pardonnez moy Madame; vous me faictez trop d'hónneur.Are.C'est bien de la douceur de vostre naturel que vous tenezCeste language; mais j'espere que mon mary n'a pasManquè de vous entretenir en mon absence.Ce.En verité Monsieur nous a fort obligè.Are.Il eut trop failly, s'il n'eust tasché de tout son pouvoirà vous rendre toutes fortes de services.Cel.C'est de sa bontè qu'il nous a tant favorisè.Ar.De la vostre plustost Madame que vous fait donnerD'interpretation si benigne à ses efforts.Cel.Ie voy bien que la victoire sera toutsjours à Madame, & delanguage, & de la courtesie.Are.Vrayement Madame, que jamais personne a plus desirè,L'honneur de vostre compagnie, que moy.Cel.Laissans en je vous supplie, des compliments & permettozà vostre servante de vous baiser les mains.Are.Vous m'obligez trop.Bo.I have no more patience, lets be merry agenIn our owne language, Madam our mirth cooles,Our Nephew!Enter Fredericke.Are.Passion of my braine.Fre.Save you gentlemen, save you Ladies.Are.I am undone.Fre.I must salute, no matter at which end I begin.Are.There's a complement.Cel.Is this your nephew Madam?Are.Ie vous prie Madame d'excuser les habitz, & le rudeComportement de mon cousin. Il est tout fraichementVenu de l'universitè, ou on l'a tout gastè.Cel.Excusez moy Madam, il est bien accomply.Fre.This language should be French, by the motionsOf your heads, and the mirth of your faces.Are.I am dishonor'd.Fre.Tis one of the finest tongues for Ladies to shew theirTeeth in, If you'le Latine I am for you, or Greek it,My tailor has not put me into French yet,Mille basia, basia mille.Cel.Ie ne vous entende pas monsieur,I understand you not sir.Fre.Why so?You and I then shall be in charity,For though we should be abusive, we ha the benefitNot to understand one another: where's my Aunt?I did heare musicke somewhere, and my brainesTun'd with a bottle of your capering claretMade haste to shew their dancing.Lit.Please you Madam,They are very comfortable.St.Alas MadamHow would you have me helpe it, I did useAll meanes I could, after he heard the musicke,To make him drunke in hope so to containe him,But the wine made him lighter, and his headFlew hi'ther, ere I mist his heeles.Ale.Nay he spoke Latine to the Lady.Are.Oh most unpardonable! get him offQuickly, and discreetely, or if I live——St.Tis not in my power, he sweares I amAn absurd sober fellow, and if you keepeA servant in his house to crosse his humour,When the rich sword and belt comes home, hee'le kill him.Are.What shall I doe? Try your skill, MasterLittleworth.Lit.He has ne're a sword, sweet Mr.Fredericke.Bo.Tis pitty Madam such a syen shouldBe lost, but you are clouded.Cel.Not I sir,I never found my selfe more cleare at heart.Bo.I could play with a feather, your fan Lady,Gentlemen,Aretina, ta ra ra ra, come Madam.Fre.Why my good tutor in election?You might have beene a scholler.Lit.But I thankeMy friends they brought me up a little better,Give me the towne wits, that deliver jeastsCleane from the bow, that whistle in the aire,And cleave the pin at twelvescore, Ladies doeBut laugh at a gentleman that has any learning.Tis sinne enough to have your clothes suspected,Leave us, and I will find a time to instruct you;Come here are sugar plumbes, tis a goodFredericke.Fre.Why is not this my Aunts house in the strand?The noble Rendevous? Who laughes at me?Go, I will foot here, if I list, and talkeOf Retoricke, Logicke, Latine, Greeke, or any thing,And understand em too, who sayes the contrary?Yet in a faire way I contemne all learning,And will be as ignorant as he, or he,Or any taffata, satten, scarlet, plush,Tissue, or cloath, a bodkin gentleman,Whose manners are most gloriously infected;Did you laugh at me Lady?Cel.Not I sir?But if I did shew mirth upon your question,I hope you wod not beate me little gentleman.Fr.How little gentleman? you dare not sayThese words to my new cloathes, and fighting sword.Are.NephewFredricke!Fr.Little gentleman,This an affront both to my bloud and person,I am a gentleman of as tall a birthAs any boast nobility, though my clothesSmell o'the lampe, my coate is honourable,Right honourable, full, of or, and argent,A little gentleman!Bor.Coze you must be patient,My Lady meant you no dishonour, andYou must remember shee's a woman.Fre.Is she a woman, thats another matter,Dee heare, my uncle tells me what you are.Cel.So sir.Fr.You cald me little gentleman.Cel.I did sir.Fre.A little pinke has made a lusty shipStrike her topsaile, the Crow may beard the Elephant,A whelpe may tame the Tiger, spight of allFalse decks and murderers, and a little gentlemanBe hard enough to grapple with your LadishipTop and top gallant; will you goe drinke uncle?Tother inchanted bottle, you and IWill tiple, and talke phylosophy.Bo.Come Nephew,You will excuse a minutes absence Madam.Waite you on us.St.My duty sir.Are.Now gentlemen.Ex. all but Cel. & Alex. & Little.Alex.Madam I had rather you accuse my languageFor speaking truth, then vertue suffer inMy further silence, and it is my wonderThat you, whose noble carriage hath deserv'dAll honour, and opinion should nowBe guilty of ill manners.Cel.What was thatYou told me sir?Lit.Doe you not blush Madam?To aske that question.Cel.You amaze ratherMy cheeke to palenesse, what you meane by this?I am not troubled with the hickup gentlemen,You should bestow this fright upon me.Lit.ThenPride and ill memory goe together.Cel.How sir?Al.The gentleman on whom you exerciseYour thin wit, was a nephew to the LadyWhose guest you are, and though her modestyLooke calme on the abuse of one so neareHer bloud, the affront was impious.Lit.I am asham'd on't,You an ingenious Lady, and well mannerd?Ile teach a Beare as much civility.Cel.You may be master of the Colledge sirFor ought I know.Lit.What Colledge? Of the Beares.Cel.Have you a plot upon me? Dee possesseYour wits, or know me gentlemen.Enter Bornewell.Bor.How's this?Al.Know you? yes we doe know you to an atome.Li.Madam we know, what stuffe your soule is made on.Cel.But doe not barke so like a mastive, pray,Sure they are mad, let your braines stand awhileAnd settle gentlemen, you know not me,What am I?Lit.Tha'rt a puppet, a thing madeOf clothes and painting, and not halfe so hansomeAs that which plaidSusannain the faire.Cel.I heard you visited those canvas tragedies,One of their constant audience, and so takenWithSusan, that you wish'd your selfe a rivallWith the two wicked elders.Al.You thinke thisIs wit now, come you are—Cel.What I beseech you?Your character will be full of salt and satyre,No doubt, what am I?Al.Why you are a woman.Cel.And that's at least a bow wide of you knowledge.Al.Wo'd be thought hansome, and might passe i'th countryVpon a market day, but miserablyForfeit to pride and fashions, that if heavenWere a new gowne, you'd not stay in't a fortnight.Cel.It must be miserably out of fashion then,Have I no sinne but pride?Al.Hast any vertue?Or but a good face to excuse that want?Cel.You prais'd it yesterday.Al.That made you proud.Cel.More pride?Al.You neede not to close up the praise,I have seene a better countenance in a Sibill.Cel.When you wore spectacles of sacke, mistookeThe painted cloath, and kist it for your mistresse.Al.Let me aske you a question, how muchHave you consum'd in expectationThat I would love you.Cel.Why? I thinke as muchAs you have paid away in honest debtsThis seven yeare, tis a pretty impudence,But cannot make me angry.Lit.Is there anyMan that will cast away his limbes upon her?Al.You doe not sing so well as I imagind,Nor dance, you reele in your coranto, and pinchYour petticoate too hard, y'ave no good eareToth' musicke, and incline too much one shoulder,As you were dancing on the rope, and falling,You speake abominable French, and makeA courtsey like a Dairie maide, not mad?Lit.Doe we not sting her hansomely.Bor.A conspiracie.Al.Your state is not so much as tis reportedWhen you conferre notes, all your husbands debtsAnd your owne reconcild——but thats not itWill so much spoile your marriage.Cel.As what sir?Let me know all my faults.Al.Some men doe whisperYou are not over honest.Cel.All this shall notMove me to more than laughter, and some pittie,Because you have the shapes of gentlemen,And though you have beene insolent upon me,I will engage no friend to kicke or cudgell youTo spoile your living, and your limbes together,I leave that to diseases that offend you,And spare my curse, poore silken Vermine, andHereafter shall distinguish Men from Monkies.Bo.Brave soule, you brace of horseleaches, I have heardTheir barbarous language Madam, ya're too mercifull,They shall be silent to your tongue, pray punish e'm.Cel.They are things not worth my character, nor mentionOf any cleane breath, so lost in honestyThey cannot satisfie for wrongs enough,Though they should steale out of the world at Tiburne.Lit.We are hang'd already.Cel.Yet I will talke a little to the pilchards,You two that have not twixt you both the hundredPart of a soule, course woollen witted fellowes,Without a nap, with bodies made for burdens,You that are onely stuffings for apparrellAs you were made but engines for your TaylorsTo frame their clothes upon, and get them custome;Vntill men see you moove, yet, then you dare notOut of your guilt of being the ignobler beastBut give a horse the wall, whom you excellOnely in dancing of the brawles, becauseThe horse was not taught the French way, your two faces,One fat like Christmas, tother leane like Candlemas,And Prologue to a Lent, both bound togetherWould figureIanus, and doe many curesOn Agues and the greene disease by frighting,But neither can with all the charactersAnd conjuring circles charme a woman, thoughSha'd fourescore yeares upon her, and but oneTooth in her head, to love, or thinke well of you;And I were miserable, to be at costTo court such a complexion, as your maliceDid impudently insinuate, but I waste timeAnd staine my breath in talking to such tadpoles.Goe home and wash your tongues in Barly water,Drinke cleane Tobacco, be not hot i'th mouth,And you may scape the Beadle; so I leave youTo shame and your owne garters. Sir I mustEntreate you for my honour doe not pennance em,They are not worth your anger, how I shallAcquit your Ladies silence.Bo.Madam, IAm sorry to suspect, and dare revenge.Cel.No cause of mine.Bor.It must become me to attend you home.Cel.You are noble—farewell Mushroomes.Are.Is she gone.Li.I thinke we peperd her.Al.I am glad tis over,But I repent no service for you Madam.
Enter servant with a letter.
To me? from whence—a Iewell a good preface,Be happy the conclusion.Are.Some love letter——He smiles upont.Lit.He has a hundred Mistresses, you mayBe charitable Madam I ha none,He surfets, and I fall away i'th kidnyes.Al.Ile meete,Tis some great Lady questionlesse, that hasTaken notice, and would satisfie her appetite.Are.Now Mr.Alexander, you looke bright o the suddaine,Another spirit's in your eye.Al.Not mine Madam,Onely a summons to meete a friend.Ar.What friend?Lit.By this Jewell, I know her not!Ar.Tis a she friend, Ile follow gentlemen,We may have a game at Sant before you goe.Al.I shall attend you Madam.Li.Tis our duty.Are.I blush while I converse with my owne thoughts,Some strange fate governes me, but I must on,The wayes are cast already, and we thriveWhen our sinne feares no eye nor perspective.Exit.
Enter two men leading Alexander, blinded, and goe off suddenly.
Al.I am not hurt, my patience to obey emNot without feare to ha my throat cut else,Did me a curtesie whither ha they brought me?Tis devillish darke, the bottome of a wellAt midnight, with but two starres on the top,Were broad day to this darkenesse, I but thinkeHow like a whirlewinde these rogues caught me upAnd smoothered my eyesight, let me see,These may be spirits, and for ought I knowHave brought me hither over twenty steeples,Pray heaven they were not Bayliefes, thats more worthMy feare, and this a prison, all my debtsReeke in my nostrill, and may bones beginneTo ake with feare to be made dice, and yetThis is too calme and quiet for a prison;What if the riddle prove I am robd; and yetI did not feele em search me? How now? musicke?
Enter Decoy like an old woman with a light.
And a light? What beldam's this, I cannot pray;What art?De.A friend, feare not young man I amNo spirit.Alex.Off.De.Despise me not for age,Or this course outside, which I weare not outOf poverty; thy eyes be witnesse tisNo cave or beggars cell tha'rt brought too, letThat gold speake here's no want, which thou maist spend,And finde a spring to tire even prodigalityIf thou beest wise.Alex.The devill was a coynerFrom the beginning, yet the gold lookes currant.De.Tha'rt still in wonder, know I am Mistresse ofThis house, and of a fortune that shall serveAnd feed thee with delights, twas J sent for thee,The jewell and the letter came from me.It was my art, thus to contrive our meeting,Because J would not trust thee with my fame,Vntill J found thee worth a womans honor.Al.Honour and fame? the devill meanes to haveA care on's credit, though she sent for me,J hope, she has another customerTo doe the tricke withall, J wod not turneFamiliar to a witch.De.What saist? Canst thouDwell in my armes to night, shall we change kisses,And entertaine the silent houres with pleasure?Such as old time shall be delighted with,And blame the too swifte motion of his wingsWhile we embrace?Al.Embrace? She has had no teethThis twenty years, and the next violent coughBrings up her tongue, it cannot possiblyBe sound at root, I doe not thinke but oneStrong sneeze upon her, and well mean't would makeHer quarters fall away, one kicke would blowHer up like gunpowder, and loose all her limbs;She is so cold, anIncubuswod not heate her,Her phlegme would quench a furnace, and her breathWould dampe a musket bullet.De.Have you sirConsiderd.Alex.What?De.My proposition,Canst love?Alex.I could have done, whom doe you meane?I know you are pleased, but to make sport.De.Thou art notSo dull of soule as thou appearst.Alex.This isBut some device, my granam has some tricke in't:Yes I can love.De.But canst thou affect me.Al.Although to reverence so grave a matronWere an ambitious word in me; yet sinceYou give me boldnesse, I doe love you.De.ThenThou art my owne.Al.Has she no cloven foote?De.And I am thine, and all that I commandThy servants, from this minute thou art happy,And fate in thee will crowne all my desires.I griev'd a proper man should be compeldTo bring his body to the common market,My wealth shall make thee glorious, and the moreTo encourage thee, how ere this forme may frightThy youthfull eyes, yet thou wo't find by lightOf thy owne sense, for other light is banish'dMy chamber, when our armes tie lovers knots,And kisses seale the welcome of our lippes,I shall not there affright thee, nor seeme old,With riveld veines, my skin is smooth and softeAsErmines, with a spirit to meete thine,Active and equall to the queene of LovesWhen she did courtAdonis.Al.This doth moreConfirme she is a devill, and I amWithin his owne dominions, I must on,Or else be torne a peeces, I have heardThese Succubi must not be crost.De.We trifleToo precious time away, Ile shew you a prospectOf the next chamber, and then out the candle.Al.Have you no sacke i'th house, I would goe arm'dVpon this breach.De.It shanot need.Al.One wordMother, have not you beene a Cat in your dayes?De.I am glad you are so merry sir, you observeThat bed.Alex.A very brave one.De.When you areDisrob'd, you can come thither in the darke,You shanot stay for me, come as you wishFor happinesse.Exit.Al.I am preferd, if IBe modest and obey, she cannot haveThe heart to doe me harme, and she wereHecateHerselfe, I will have a strong faith, and thinke,I march upon a Mistris, the lesse evill,If I scape fire now, I defie the devill.Exit.
Enter Fred. Littlew. Steward.
Fre.And how dee like me now?St.Most excellent.Fre.Your opinion Mr.Littlewor.Lit.Your French tailorHas made you a perfect gentleman, I mayConverse now with you, and preserve my credit,De'e find no alteration in your bodyWith these new clothes?Fre.My body altered? No.Lit.You are not yet in fashion then, that mustHave a new motion garbe, and posture too,Or all your pride is cast away, it is notThe cut of your apparrell makes a gallant,But the geometricall wearing of your clothes.St.Mr.Littleworthtells you right, you weare your hatToo like a citizen.Lit.Tis like a Midwife,Place it with best advantage of your haire,Is halfe your feather molted? this does makeNo shew, it should spread over like a Canopy,Your hot reind Monsieur weares it for a shade,And cooler to his backe, your doublet mustBe more unbutton'd hereabouts, you'le notBe a sloven else, a foule shirt is no blemish,You must be confident, and outface cleane linnenYour doublet and your breeches must be allow'dNo private meeting here, your cloak's too long,It reaches to your buttocke, and doth smellToo much of Spanish gravitie, the fashionIs to weare nothing but a Cape, a coateMay be allowed a covering for one elbow,And some to avoid the trouble, choose to walkeIn quirpo thus.St.Your coat, and cloak's a brushingIn Long-lane Lumbard.Fre.But what if it raine?Lit.Your belt about your shoulder is sufficientTo keepe off any storme, beside a reedeBut wau'd discreetly, has so many pores,It suckes up all the raine that falls about one,With this defence, when other men have beeneWet to the skin through all their cloakes, I haveDefied a tempest and walked by the TavernesDrie as a bone.St.Because he had no moneyTo call for wine.Fr.Why you doe walke enchanted,Have you such pretty charmes in towne? But stay,Who must I have to attend me?Lit.Is not thatYet thought upon.St.I have laid out for servants.Lit.They are every where.St.I cannot yet be furnish'dWith such as I would put into his hands.Fr.Of what condition must they be, and howMany in number sir?Lit.Beside your fencing,Your singing, dancing, riding, and French-master,Two may serve domesticke to be constant waitersVpon a gentleman, a foole, a pimpe.St.For these two officers I have enquird,And I am promisd a convenient whiskin,I could save charges, and employ the Pye wenchThat carries her intelligence in whitepots,Or tis but taking order with the womanThat holds the ballads, she could fit him withA concubin to any tune, but IHave a designe to place a fellow with himThat has read all SirPandarusworkes, a TrojanThat lies conceal'd, and is acquainted withBoth citty and sub urbian fripperiesCan fetch em with a spell at midnight to him,And warrant which are for his turne, can forA neede supply the Surgeon too.Fre.I likeThy providence,—such a one deserves a livery twice a yeare.St.It shanot need, a cast suite of your worshipsWill serve, he'le find a cloke to cover itOut of his share with those he brings to bed to you.Fre.But must I call this fellow Pimpe?Lit.It isNot necessary, orJackeorHarry,Or what hees knowne abroad by will sound better,That men may thinke he is a Christian.Fre.But heare you Mr.Littleworth, is there notA method, and degrees of title inMen of this art.Lit.According to the honourOf men that doe employ em. An EmperourMay give this office to a Duke, A KingMay have his Viceroy to negotiate for him,A Duke may use a Lord, the Lord a Knight.A Knight may trust a gentleman, and whenThey are abroad, and merry, gentlemenMay pimpe to one another.Fre.Good, good fellowship!But for the foole now, that should waite on me,And breake me jeasts.Lit.A foole is necessary.St.By any meanes.Fre.But which of these two servantsMust now take place.Lit.That question Mr.FrederickeThe schoole of Heraldry should conclude upon;But if my judgement may be heard, the fooleIs your first man, and it is knowne a pointOf state to have a foole.St.But sir the otherIs held the finer servant, his employmentsAre full of trust, his person cleane, and nimble,And none so soone can leape into prefermentWhere fooles are poore.Lit.Not all, theres story for't,Princes have beene no wiser than they should be,Would any noble man, that were no fooleSpend all in hope of the Philosophers stone,To buy new Lordships in another countrey,Would Knights build Colledges, or gentlemenOf good estates, challenge the field and fightBecause a whore wo'not be honest, come,Fooles are a family over all the world;We doe affect one naturally, indeedeThe foole is Leiger with us.St.Then the PimpeIs extraordinary.Fre.Doe not you fall outAbout their places; here's my noble Aunt!Enter Aretina.Lit.How doe you like your nephew Madam now?Are.Well, turne aboutFredricke, very well.Fre.Am I not now a proper gentleman?The vertue of rich clothes! now could I takeThe wall ofIulius Cesar, affrontGreatPompeysupperlip, and defie the Senate,Nay I can be as proud as your owne heart Madam,You may take that for your comfort; J put onThat vertue with my clothes, and J doubt notBut in a little time, J shall be impudentAs any Page or Players boy, J amBeholding to this gentleman's good discipline,But J shall doe him credit in my practise,Your Steward has some pretty notions tooIn morall mischiefe.Are.Your desert in thisExceedes all other service, and shall bind meBoth to acknowledge, and reward.Lit.Sweet Madam!Thinke me but worth your favour, J wo'd creepeVpon my knees to honour you and for everyMinute you lend to my reward, ile payA yeare of serviceable tribute.Are.YouCan complement.Lit.Thus still she puts me off,Vnlesse J speake the downe right word, she'le neverVnderstand me, a man would thinke that creepingVpon one's knees Were English to a Lady.Enter Alex.Ale.How istIacke? Pleasures attend you Madam,How does my plant of honour?Are.Who is this?Al.TisAlexander.Are.Rich and glorious!Lit.TisAlexanderthe great.Ale.And myBucephalusWaites at the doore.Are.Your case is alterd sir.Ale.J cannot helpe these things, the Fates will have it,Tis not my land does this.Lit.But thou hast a ploughThat brings it in.Are.Now he lookes brave and lovely.Fre.Welcome my gallant Macedonian.Al.Madam, you gave your Nephew for my pupill,I rea'd but in a taverne, if you'le honour us,The Beare at the bridge foote shall entertaine you,A drawer is my Ganimed, he shall skinkeBriskeNectarto us, we will onely haveA dozen Partridge in a dish, as many Phesants,Quailes, Cockes and Godwits, shall come marching upLike the train'd band, a sort of SturgeonShall give most bold defiance to an army,And triumph ore the table.Are.Sir, it willBut dull the appetite to heare more, and mineMust be excusd, another time I mayBe your guest.Ale.Tis growne in fashion now with Ladies,When you please ile attend you;Littleworth.ComeFredericke.Fre.Weele have musicke, I love noise,We will out roare the Thames and shake the bridge boy.Ex.Lit.Madam I kisse your hand, wod you wod thinkeOf your poore servant, flesh and bloud is fraile,And troublesome to carry without helpe.Are.A coach will easily convey it, orYou may take water at strand bridge.Lit.But IHave taken fire.Are.The Thames will coole.Lit.But never quench my heart, your charitieCan onely doe that!Are.I will keepe it coldOf purpose,Lit.Now you blesse me, and I dareBe drunke in expectation.Are.I am confidentHe knowes me not, and I were worse than madTo be my owne betrayer, here's my husband.Enter Born.Bor.Why, how nowAretina? What alone?The mystery of this solitude? my houseTurne desart o'the sudaine, all the gamstersBlowne up? Why is the musicke put to silence?Or ha their instruments caught a cold, since weGave e'm the last heate? I must know thy groundOf Melancholy.Are.You are merry, asYou came from kissingCelestina.Bor.IFeele her yet warme upon my lip, she isMost excellent company, I did not thinkeThere was that sweetnesse in her sexe, I mustAcknowledge twas thy cure to disinchant meFrom a dull husband to an active lover,With such a Lady, I could spend more yeeres,Than since my birth my glasse hath run soft minutes,And yet be young, her presence has a spellTo keepe off age, she has an eye would strikeFire through an adamant.Are.I have heard as muchBestow'd upon a dull fac'd chambermaidWhom love and wit would thus commend, true beautyIs mock'd when we compare thus, it selfe beingAbove what can be fetch'd to make it lovely,Or could our thoughts reach some thing to declareThe glories of a face, or bodies elegance,That touches but our sense, when beauty spreadsOver the soule, and calls up understandingTo looke when thence is offer'd, and admire,In both I must acknowledgeCelestinaMost excellently faire, faire above allThe beauties I ha seene, and one most worthyMans love and wonder.Bor.Doe you speakeAretina,This with a pure sence to commend, or istThe mockery of my praise.Aret.Although it shameMy selfe, I must be just, and give her allThe excellency of women, and were IA man.Bo.What then?Are.I know not with what losse,I should attempt her love, she is a peeceSo angellically moving, I should thinkeFrailty excusd to dote upon her forme,And almost vertue to be wicked with her.Exit.Bor.What should this meane? this is no jealousie,Or she beleeves I counterfeit, I feeleSomething within me, like a heate, to giveHer cause, wouldCelestinabut consent,What a fraile thing is man, it is not worthOur glory to be chaste, while we denyMirth and converse with women, he is goodThat dares the tempter, yet corrects his bloud.Exit.