ACT III.

BETTY.

Nobody at all madam, but only Sir Luke.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

Oh! Sir Luke, such a stroke, so fatal, so sudden, it is not in nature I should ever survive it.

Sir LUKE.

Marry heaven forbid! but what cause—what could—

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

Leave the room. [To the servants, who go out.] Only, look over that letter.

Sir LUKE.

Hum, hum,—[reads] "fit to reject you—this—"

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

There! there! there!

Sir LUKE.

I own this is the utmost malice of fortune—but let me finish the letter.—"This calamity, dear Circuit, is of such a nature as baffles all advice, or interposition of friends, I shall therefore leave you to time, and your own good understanding." [pretty and sensible.]—"yours," &c.—But let us see, what says the postscript—[reads.] "Perhaps it may give you some comfort to know that you had sixteen almonds, and but two raisins against you."

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

But two!

Sir LUKE.

No more.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

This must be Kitty Cribbage's doing, she has been tattling about the paltry trifle I owe her.

Sir LUKE.

Not unlikely: but come, bear up, my dear madam, and consider thattwo—

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

Is as bad as two thousand.

Sir LUKE.

Granted; but perhaps it mayn't be too late to repair.—Gadso! I have thought of a scheme—I'll be elected myself, and then I warrant we manage—

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

You, Sir Luke? that never can be.

Sir LUKE.

No, Madam, and why not?—why you don't suppose that they wou'd venture to—

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

It would not only be against the spirit, but the very letter of their constitution to chuse you a member.

Sir LUKE.

Ay, Madam, how so?

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

Theirstatutes are selected from all the codes that ever existed from the days of Lycurgus to the present Czarina.

Sir LUKE.

Well.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

The law that relates to your case they have borrow'd from the Roman religion.

Sir LUKE.

As how?

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

As no man can be admitted a monk, who has the least corporal spot, or defect; so, no candidate can be receiv'd as a member who is depriv'd of the use of any one of his limbs.

Sir LUKE.

Nay, then indeed I am clearly cut out; that incapacity can never be got over.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

Indeed, the Serjeant says, if the club could be induc'd toresolvein your favour, then theoriginal lawwould signify nothing.

Sir LUKE.

Well, well, we'll see what can be done. [A loud knocking.] But hush! the company's come; collect yourself, sweet Mrs. Circuit; don't give your enemies the malicious pleasure of seeing how this disappointment affects you.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

Never fear; I know a little too much of the world not to turn this defeat to my credit.

EnterColonelSecretandMrs.Simper.

Mrs. SIMPER.

Your servant, Sir Luke; my dear Circuit, I am frighten'd to death—your people tell me, you are but just recover'd from a—

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

Oh! nothing at all! a faintness, a kind of swimming—but those people are ever swelling that mole hills to mountains.

Mrs. SIMPER.

I protest I was afraid that you had suffer'd your late disappointment to lay hold of your spirits.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

What disappointment, my dear?

COLONEL.

Mrs. Simper hints at the little mistake made this morning at the Thatch'd House.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

That! ridiculous! I could have told you that a fortnight ago, child—all my own doing.

Mrs. SIMPER.

How!

Sir LUKE.

Entirely.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

Oh! I always detested the thoughts of the thing;—they would put me up, let me say what I would, so I was reduc'd to the necessity of prevailing upon two of my friends toblack ballme.

Mrs. SIMPER.

That, indeed, alters the case.

COLONEL.

I am vastly happy to hear it: your old acquaintance were afraid they should lose you.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

It is a sign they know but little of me—but come, my good folks, I have prepared a small collation in the next room, will you—

[Exeunt.

EnterJackandWoodford.

JACK.

I'll watch sister, to see that nobody comes; now Woodford make good use of your time. [ExitWoodford.] There, I have left 'em together; if I had staid, I don't believe they would have open'd their mouths for a month: I never saw such an alteration in a lad since the day I was born.—Why, if I had not known him before, I should not have thought he had a word to throw to a dog; but I remember the old proverb:

True lovers are shy,When people are by.

I'll take a peep to see how they go on:—there they are, just in the same posture I left them; she folding her fingers, and he twirling his hat; why they don't even look at each other: was there ever such a couple of—stay, stay, now he opens his mouth—pshaw!—lord! there he shuts it again—hush! I hear somebody coming—no—nothing at all:—mother is safe I am sure,—there is no danger from her—now let us take t'other—[peeps at the door.] hum!—gadso, matters are mightily mended—there! there! very well—there he lays down the law—now he claps his hand on his heart—vastly pretty, I vow—there he swops with both his knees on the ground—charming!—and squeezes his hat with both hands, like one of the actors—delightful! she wants him to rise, and he won't—prodigious moving indeed!

EnterBetty.

BETTY.

So Sir, what are you doing there?

JACK.

There! where?

BETTY.

With your eyes glew'd close to the keyhole.

JACK.

I wanted to speak a word to my sister.

BETTY.

Then why don't you open her door?

JACK.

I did not know but she might be saying her prayers.

BETTY.

Prayers! a likely story! Who says their prayers, at this time of the day?—No, no, that won't pass upon me.—Let me look—very pretty! So, so, I see there's somebody else at his prayers too—fine doings!—As soon as the company goes, I shall take care to inform Madam your mother.

JACK.

Nay, but Mrs. Betty you won't be so—

BETTY.

Indeed. Mr. John, but I shall—I'll swallow none of your secrets, believe me.

JACK.

What, perhaps your stomach is overloaded already.

BETTY.

No matter for that, I shall be even with Miss for telling Master about and concerning my drums.

JACK.

Why, Mrs. Betty, surely sister could not—

BETTY.

When she very well knows that I have not sent cards but twice the whole season.

JACK.

Lord! what signi—

BETTY.

What would she say, if she visited the great families I do? For tho' I am as I may say but a commoner, no private gentlewoman's gentlewoman, has a more prettier set of acquaintance.

JACK.

Well but—

BETTY.

My routs indeed!—There is Mrs. Allspice, who lives with lady Cicily Sequence, has six tables every Sunday, besides looers, and braggers; and moreover proposes giving a masquerade, the beginning of June, and I intends being there.

JACK.

Well, but to talk calmly.

BETTY.

And as Miss is so fond of fetching and carrying, you may tell her we are to have a private play among ourselves, as the quality have: theDistrustfulMother, 'tis call'd—Pylades, by Mr. Thomas, Lord Catastrophe's butler—Hermione, Mrs. Allspice; and I shall do Andromache myself.

JACK.

A play! lord, Mrs. Betty, will you give me a ticket?

BETTY.

All's one for that—and so you may tell Miss that—[bell rings] coming, Madam, this minute—and that, Mr. John, is the long and the short on't. [Bell rings again.] Lord, I am coming—

[Exit.

EnterWoodfordtoJack.

WOODFORD.

What's the matter?

JACK.

Here, Betty, my mother's fac totum, has just discover'd your haunts; and is gone to lay an information against you—so depend upon it, a search warrant will issue directly.

WOODFORD.

Stay but a moment, till I take leave of your sister.

JACK.

Zooks! I tell you the constables will be here in a trice, so you have not a moment to lose.

WOODFORD.

How unlucky this is!

JACK.

But I hope you have obtain'd a verdict however.

WOODFORD.

No.

JACK.

No!

WOODFORD.

It would not have been decent, to have press'd the judge too soon for a sentence.

JACK.

Soon!—You are a ninny, I tell you so:—here you will suffer judgment to go by default.—You are a pretty practitioner indeed!

WOODFORD.

This, you may know, my dear Jack, is an equity case; I have but just fil'd my bill; one must give the parties time to put in an answer.

JACK.

Time!—How you may come off in court I can't tell, but you will turn out but a poor chamber counsel I fear.—Well, come along, perhaps I may be able to procure another hearing before it is—but lord o'mercy! there is father crossing the hall—should he see us all's over—we have nothing for't but taking shelter with sister.

[Exeunt.

SirLuke Limp,Mrs.Circuit,ColonelSecret,and Mrs.Simper,discover'd at a table, with a collation before them.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

Oh! by the bye, Sir Luke—take some of these sweetmeats, my dear [to Mrs.Simper]—did not you promise to introduce to me that little agreeable piece of imperfection that belongs to the opera?—Colonel, won't you taste the champaign?

Sir LUKE.

Who, SigniorPiano?—Let me assist Mrs. Simper.—Why, Madam, I made an attempt; but at present—shan't I send you a biscuit?—he is in the possession of a certain lady, who never suffers him out of her sight for a moment.

Mrs. SIMPER.

Oh! the curmudgeon!—I am vastly fond of these custards.

Sir LUKE.

Yes, they have a delicate flavour—but he promis'd, if possible, to escape for an hour—won't you? [to Mrs.Circuit.]

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

No, it gives me the heart-burn.—Then let us leave him a cover.

COLONEL.

By all means in the world.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

But there is, likewise, another party, for whom a place ought to be kept.

Mrs. SIMPER.

Another! Who can that be I wonder?

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

A small appendix of mine.

Sir LUKE.

How, Madam!

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

You need not be jealous, Sir Luke—taste that tart Mrs. Simper—it is only my husband the Serjeant.—Ha! ha! ha!—Betty makes them herself.

Mrs. SIMPER.

Oh! you abominable creature! How could such a thought come into your head?

Sir LUKE.

Ma'am—[Offering sweetmeats to Mrs.Simper.]

Mrs. SIMPER.

Not a bit more, I thank you.—I swear and vow I mould swoon at the sight.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

And I should receive him with the polite indifference of an absolute stranger.

Sir LUKE.

Well said, my good Lady Intrepid! But, notwithstanding, I would venture a trifle that his appearance would give you such an electrical shock——

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

You are vastly deceiv'd.

Sir LUKE.

Dare you come to the proof? Will you give me leave to introduce Mr. Serjeant? He is not far off.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

What, my husband?

Sir LUKE.

Even he! I saw him as I enter'd the hall.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

Impossible!

Sir LUKE.

Nay, then I must fetch him. [ExitSir Luke.

COLONEL.

I can't conceive what the knight wou'd be at.

Mrs. SIMPER.

Why he is mad.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

Or turn'd fool.

Enter SirLuke,with theSerjeant'speruke on a block.

Sir LUKE.

Now, Madam, have I reason? Is this your husband or not?

Mrs. SIMPER.

It is he; not the least doubt can be made.

COLONEL.

Yes, yes, it is the Serjeant himself.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

I own it; I acknowledge the lord of my wishes. [Kisses the block.]

Mrs. SIMPER.

All his features are there!

COLONEL.

The grave cast of his countenance!

Sir LUKE.

The vacant stare of his eye!

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

The livid hue of his lips!

Mrs. SIMPER.

The rubies with which his cheeks are enrich'd!

COLONEL.

The silent solemnity when he sits on the bench!

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

We must have him at table; but pray good folks let my husband appear like himself.—I'll run for the gown.

[Exit.

Mrs. SIMPER.

By all means in the world.

Sir LUKE.

Dispatch, I beseech you.

Mrs.Circuitreturns with a gown and band.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

Sir Luke, lend your assistance.

COLONEL.

There, place him at the head of the table.

[They fix the head at the back of a chair, and place it at table; then all sit.

Mrs. SIMPER.

Madam, you'll take care of your husband.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

I don't want to be put in mind of my duty.

Mrs. SIMPER.

Oh, Madam! I know that very well.

Sir LUKE.

Come, Hob or Nob, Master Circuit—let us try if we can't fuddle the Serjeant.

COLONEL.

O! fye! have a proper respect for the coif.

Mrs. SIMPER.

Don't be too facetious, Sir Luke: it is not quite so safe to sport with the heads of the law; you don't know how soon you may have a little business together.

Sir LUKE.

But come, the Serjeant is sulky.—I have thought of a way to divert him:—You know he is never so happy as when he is hearing a cause; suppose we were to plead one before him; Mrs. Circuit and I to be counsel, the colonel the clerk, and Mrs. Simper the cryer.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

The finest thought in the world! And stay, to conduct the trial with proper solemnity, let's rummage his wardrobe; we shall there be able to equip ourselves with suitable dresses.

Sir LUKE.

Alons, alons!

Mrs. SIMPER.

There is no time to be lost.

[All rise.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

[Stopping short as they are going out.] But won't my husband be angry, if we leave him alone? Bye, dearee—we shall soon return to thee again.

[Exeunt.

Enter Serj.Circuit,not perceiving the collation.

SERJEANT.

So, my lord not being able to sit, there was no occasion for me.—I can't put that girl's nonsense out of my head—My wife is young to be sure, and loves pleasure I own; but as to themainarticle, I have not the least ground to suspect her in that—No, no!—And then Sir Luke! myprosien ami, the dearest friend I have in the—Heyday! [seeing the collation] What the deuce have we here?—A collation!—So, so—I see madam knows how to divert herself during my absence.—What's this? [seeing the block] Oh, ho! ha! ha! ha!—Well, that's pretty enough I protest.—Poor girl, I see she could not be happy without having something at table that resembled me.—How pleas'd she will be to find me here in propriâ personâ.—By your leave, Mrs. Circuit—[sits down and eats] Delicate eating, in troth—and the wine [drinks]—Champaign as I live—must have t'other glass—They little think how that gentleman there regales himself in their absence—Ha! ha! ha!—quite convenient, I vow—the heat of the weather has made me—Come, brother Coif, here's your health—[drinks]—I must pledge myself I believe—[drinks again]—devilish strong—pshut!—Somebody's coming—[gets up and goes towards the wings]—What do I see? Four lawyers! What the devil can be the meaning of this? I should be glad to get at the bottom of—Hey! By your leave, brother Serjeant—I must crave the use of your robe—[sits down, and gets under the gown]—Between ourselves, this is not the first time this gown has cover'd a fraud.

Enter SirLuke,Colonel, Mrs.Circuit,and Mrs.Simper,dressed as counsellors.

Sir LUKE.

Come, come, gentlemen, dispatch, the court has been waiting some time. Brother Circuit, you have look'd over your brief?

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

What, do you suppose, Sir, that like some of our brethren I defer that till I come into court? No, no.

Sir LUKE.

This cause contains the whole marrow and pith of all modern practice.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

One should think, Sir Luke, you had been bred to the bar.

Sir LUKE.

Child, I was some years in the Temple; but the death of my brother robb'd the robe of my labours.

Mrs. SIMPER.

What a loss to the public!

Sir LUKE.

You are smart, Mrs. Simper. I can tell you, Serjeant Snuffle, whose manner I study'd, pronounc'd me a promising youth.

Mrs. SIMPER.

I don't doubt it.

Sir LUKE.

But let us to business. And first, for the state of the case: The parties you know are Hobson and Nobson; the object of litigation is a small parcel of land, which is to decide the fate of a borough.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

True; call'd Turnbury Mead.

Sir LUKE.

Very well. Then to bring matters to a short issue, it was agreed, that Nobson should on the premises cut down a tree, and Hobson bring his action of damage.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

True, true.

Sir LUKE.

The jury being sworn, and the counsellors feed, the court may proceed.—Take your seats—But hold—I hope no gentleman has been touch'd on both sides.

ALL.

Oh! fye!

Sir LUKE.

Let silence be call'd.

Mrs. SIMPER.

Silence in the court!

Sir LUKE.

But stop. To be regular, and provide for fresh causes, we must take no notice of the borough and lands, the real objects in view, but stick fast to the tree, which is of no importance at all.

ALL.

True, true.

Sir LUKE.

Brother Circuit, you may proceed.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

Gentlemen of the Jury.—I am in this cause counsel for Hobson, the plaintiff.—The action is brought against Nebuchadonezer Nobson, That he the said Nobson did cut down a tree, value two-pence, and to his own use said tree did convert.—Nobson justifies, and claims tree as his tree. We will, gentlemen, first state the probable evidence, and then come to the positive: and first as to the probable.—When was this tree here belonging to Hobson, and claim'd by Nobson, cut down? Was it cut down publicly in the day, in the face of the sun, men, women, and children, all the world looking on?—No; it was cut down privately, in the night, in a dark night, nobodydidsee, nobodycouldsee.—Hum—And then with respect and regard to this tree, I am instructed to say, gentlemen, it was a beautiful, an ornamental tree to the spot where it grew. Now can it be thought that any man would come for to go in the middle of the night, nobody seeing, nobodydidsee, nobodycouldsee, and cut down a tree, which tree was an ornamental tree, if tree had been his tree?—Certainly no.—And again, gentlemen, we moreover insist, that this tree was not only ornamental to the spot where it grew, but it was a useful tree to the owner; it was a plumb-tree, and not only a plum-tree, but I am authored to say the best of plum-trees, it was a damsin plum.—Now can it be thought, that any man wou'd come for to go, in the middle of the night, nobody seeing, nobodydidsee, nobodycouldsee, and cut down a tree; which tree was not only an ornamental tree, but a useful tree, and not only a useful tree, but a plum-tree; and not only a plum-tree, but the best of plum-trees, a damsin plum? Most assuredly no.—If so be then, that this be so, and so it most certainly is, I apprehend no doubt will remain with the court, but my client a verdict will have, with full costs of suits, in such a manner and so forth, as may nevertheless appear notwithstanding.

Sir LUKE.

Have you done, Mr. Serjeant?

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

You may proceed.

Sir LUKE.

Gentlemen of the jury—I am in this cause counsel for Hob—Zouns! I think the head moves.

ALL.

Hey!

COLONEL.

No, no, Mrs. Simper, jogg'd the chair with her foot, that was all.

Sir LUKE.

For Hercules Hobson—(I cou'd have sworn it had stir'd)—I sha'nt gentlemen upon this occasion, attempt to move your passions, by flowing periods, and rhetorical flowers, as Mr. Serjeant has done; no, gentlemen, if I get at your hearts, I will make my way thro' your heads, however thick they may be—in order to which, I will pursue the learned gentleman, thro' what he calls his probable proofs: and first, as to this tree's being cut down in the night; in part we will grant him that point, but, under favour, not a dark night, Mr. Serjeant; no, quite the reverse, we can prove that the moon shone bright, with uncommon lustre that night—So that if so be as how people did not see that was none—[Serjeantsneezes.] nay, Mrs. Circuit, if you break the thread of my—

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

Me break!—I said nothing I'm sure.

Sir LUKE.

That's true, but you sneez'd.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

Not I.

Sir LUKE.

I am sure somebody did; it could not be the head—consider the least interruption puts one out of one's—None of our faults, they might have look'd on and seen if they would. And then as to this beautiful tree, with which Mr. Serjeant has ornamented his spot—No, gentlemen, no such matter at all; I am instructed to say quite the reverse; a stunted tree, a blighted, blasted tree; a tree not only limbless, and leafless, but very near lifeless; that was the true state of the tree: and then as to its use, we own it was a plum-tree indeed, but not of the kind Mr. Serjeant sets forth, a damsin plum; our proofs say loudly a bull plum; but if so be and it had been a damsin plum, will any man go for to say, that a damsin plum is the best kind of plum; not a whit, I take upon me to say it is not a noun substantive plum—with plenty of sugar it does pretty well indeed in a tart, but to eat it by itself, will Mr. Serjeant go to compare it with the queen mother, the padrigons—

SERJEANT.

[Appearing suddenly from under the gown.]The green gages, or the orlines.

Mrs. CIRCUIT.

As I live 'tis my husband!

SERJEANT.

Nay, Sir Luke don't you run away too—give me a buss—since I was born, I never heard a finer reply; I am sorry I did not hear your argument out—but I cou'd not resist.

Sir LUKE.

This I own was a little surprise—had you been long here Mr. Serjeant?

SERJEANT.

But the instant you enter'd.

Sir LUKE.

So, then all is safe. [Aside.]

SERJEANT.

But come, won't you refresh you, Sir Luke—you have had hard duty to day.

Sir LUKE.

I drank very freely at table.

SERJEANT.

Nay, for the matter of that, I ha'n't been idle; [both drink.] But come, throw off your gown, and let us finish the bottle: I ha'n't had such a mind to be merry I can't tell the day when.

Sir LUKE.

Nay then, Mr. Serjeant, have at you—come, here's long life and health to the law. [Drinks.]

SERJEANT.

I'll pledge that toast in a bumper.—[Drinks.]—I'll take Charlot's hint, and see if I can't draw the truth out of the Knight by a bottle. [Aside.]

Sir LUKE.

I'll try if I can't fuddle the fool, and get rid of him that way. [Aside.]

SERJEANT.

I could not have thought it: why where the deuce did you pick up all this? But by the bye, pray who was the cryer?

Sir LUKE.

Did not you know her? Mrs. Simper, your neighbour.

SERJEANT.

A pestilent jade! she's a good one I warrant.

Sir LUKE.

She is thought very pretty; what say you to a glass in her favor?

SERJEANT.

By all means in the world! [they drink] and that spark the clerk?

Sir LUKE.

Colonel Secret, a friend to the lady you toasted.

SERJEANT.

A friend! oh, ay—I understand you—come, let us join 'em together.

Sir LUKE.

Alons. [drink.] Egad, I shall be caught in my own trap, I begin to feel myself fluster'd already. [Aside.]

SERJEANT.

Delicate white wine, indeed! I like it better every glass. [Sings.]

Drink and drive care away,Drink and be merry.

Sir LUKE.

True, my dear Serjeant—this is the searcher of secrets—the only key to the heart.

SERJEANT.

Right boy, in veritas vino.

Sir LUKE.

No deceit in a bumper. [Sings.] Drink and be merry.

SERJEANT.

Merry! dammee, what a sweet fellow you are; what would I give, to be half so jolly and gay.

Sir LUKE.

[Appearing very drunk.] Would you? and yet do you know, Serjeant, that at this very juncture of time, there is a thing has popp'd into my head, that distresses me very much.

SERJEANT.

Then drive it out with a bumper [Drink.] Well, how is it now.

Sir LUKE.

Now!—the matter is not mended at all.

SERJEANT.

What the deuce is the business that so sticks in your stomach.

Sir LUKE.

You know, my dear Serjeant, I am your friend, your real, your affectionate friend.

SERJEANT.

I believe, it Sir Luke.

Sir LUKE.

And yet, for these six months, I have conceal'd a secret, that touches you near, very near—

SERJEANT.

Me near! That was wrong, very wrong; friends should have all things in common.

Sir LUKE.

That's what I said to myself; Sir Luke, says I, open your heart to your friend; but to tell you the truth, what sealed up my lips, was the fear that this secret should make you sulky and sad.

SERJEANT.

Me sulky and sad! ha! ha! how little you know of me.

Sir LUKE.

Swear then that you won't be uneasy.

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