WHEN it was high noon, the usually quiet town of Buzabub was suddenly thrown into a state of great commotion. Horns were sounded, reeds blown, and bells jingled. In fine, so many and various were the ways in which homage was paid to the departure of the "great ambassador," that it would be impossible to enumerate them in this history.
A messenger now entered the priest's house to announce the readiness of the train; and as his reverence had prepared his saddle-bags and umbrella, and laid in a good stock of provisions, he led the way into the street, followed by the general and his secretary. Here they found the renegades, both clad in loose robes, already mounted on their mules, which displeased the good father, for he was a man of courtesy, and knew what was due to rank. After some debate as to the position old Battle should take, it was agreed that he follow next the palanquin, and be led by a native; and this so delighted the general, that he promised to remember it all the rest of his life. He then took his seat, satisfied with himself and all the rest of mankind. And the priest having mounted his ass, and Mr. Tickler his mule, this wonderful train of cattle, so remarkably mounted, set off under a burning sun, the general in the van, and the priest bringing up the rear, with his broad umbrella spread. As for the provision bearers, they shouldered their packs, and were followed by a tumultuous throng, sounding horns and cheering until they had reached some distance beyond the town.
For seven days they journeyed in this pleasant manner, resting to take refreshments three times a day, pitching their tents at night beneath palm trees, or in mango groves, interspersing mass and prayers with various amusements for the diversion of the general and the priest, who was a good lover of jokes, and indeed had no very high opinion of those of his order who go about with doleful countenances. And when they were halted, the general got of the priest much concerning the differences existing between his order and the renegades, between whom a deadly fued existed, both struggling for an ascendancy in the government. Tickler also found excellent companions in the renegades, with whom he discussed matters of ancestry and books, of which both professed to know much, though truely they were ignorant men, and as great knaves as ever left their own country to pester the authorities of another. They were also curious to learn of Tickler what had brought his master to Kalorama; but on that score he was as ignorant as themselves, though of his master's influence at home he assured them no man had more. He also gave them a wonderful account of his many achievements in war.
Thus they journeyed, the simple-minded inhabitants of each village through which they passed welcoming them with salutations of joy, paying great reverence to the priest and his ass, and regaling them with fruits and such other refreshments as their humble plantations afforded.
Starting early on the morning of the eighth day, they had proceeded some four miles up a gradually inclining slope, when the City of Nezub appeared in sight, on the brow of a hill, almost buried in a grove of palms, and surrounded by picturesque scenery, over which the clear atmosphere threw a charm not easily described. Clumps of mango, palm, and olive trees gave a beautiful contrast to the softer herbage on the slopes; while the earth seemed teeming with the richest flowers, impregnating the air with their sweet odors.
When they were within a mile of the city, numerous shabby-looking dignitaries, and a great concourse of half-naked people, came out to meet them, and amidst music and rejoicing accompanied them to the city, and indeed, seemed anxious to carry the priest and his ass on their shoulders, though they were inclined to make derision of old Battle's shabby appearance. And now, when the bearers had carried the general to a little cottage, provided for him at the expense of the king, and he was safely lodged in his quarters, the good priest took leave of him with a prayer for his soul, and went to his home feeling that he had rendered all the service required of him. "Upon my soul," said the general, when the priest was gone, "but they would not make all this ceremony if they knew the drift of my mind. Take notice, Tickler, that they have here a fine country, which is so scurvily governed, that to my mind there would be no harm in taking it away from them."
"Your excellency knows best about that," replied Mr. Tickler, "but the devil take me if I want to share the hanging you might get in playing at that game. Please run your eye over the instructions, and see what they say on that head."
"I see, friend Tickler, that you are not skilled in these matters, for you cannot tell what is in the egg until you break it. And as it is customary with the best of our ministers to look over instead of into their instructions, you will not find me behind any of them, for I intend to astonish with the audacity of my undertakings. Mark that well. And if you have not courage to join me in these things, why, the quicker you get home the better, for I hold that a man of your metal is always best off where his gallantry and such other graces as heaven has blessed him with will attract most adorers."
"Faith of my mother! but your excellency talks queerly. I have not a dollar in my pocket, and you bid me get home over a road lined with robbers" interrupted Mr. Tickler. "Now that I am here, and owe a service to the country of my adoption, it shall not be said that I left your excellency, who will see my courage come out when he affords me an opportunity." They now spent three days in close consultation on the precise language necessary in addressing the king at the first audience, which he had signified his readiness, to grant on the morning of the fourth day. The general insisted that it be interpersed with so much latin as to confuse both the king and the interpreter, though both were profound scholars. "I have rare skill in mixing latin, as your excellency knows but you grind it up so in the delivery that neither the king nor the devil can understand a word of it. And as your English is good enough for the best of them, I would advise you to stick to it, since no great military man ever gained anything by dabbling in classics." This so touched the chord on which all the general's weaknesses hung that he went right into a rapsody of delight. "I begin to be of your way of thinking, friend Tickler," said he, tossing his head approvingly. "I have speeches enough in my head, and am resolved to make the first that comes to my tongues end."
And now, when the morning on which they were to have an audience with the king was come, the general arrayed himself in his best uniform, not forgetting his three cornered hat and white gloves; and mounting old Battle as Mr. Tickler mounted his mule, they proceeded to the king's palace, a rude building of palm logs, situated in a pretty square, and surrounded by shade trees and clustering vines. Here they were received with the blowing of horns and jingling of bells; which continued to keep up a deafening sound while they were being conducted into the presence of his majesty, who wore a bright red cloak, and a hat quite resembling that of a Beadle. In complexion his majesty was a shade darker than ebony, and as to figure, he was as stalwarth a sovereign, though perhaps not as clean a one, as could be found in all the kingdoms round about: in short, if his majesty was none of the cleanest, he at least wore a contented air, which is rare with kings. And as he sat on his throne of ingeniously woven palm-leaves, he seemed more intent on viewing his pipes and holding a parley with various priests than listening to the address of the famous representative. Indeed I very much doubt if a wiser king ever lived, for he evinced a happy indifference for anything but his own comfort. A fellow of ponderous belly and face, calling himself Don Perez Goneti, but whose real name was Peletiah Anseeth, a renegade, and as arrant a rascal as ever left Georgia to save his neck, now came forward, and addressing the general, informed him that he was the king's keeper, and lawgiver to the nation. This announcement surprised the general, for the man was dressed in a yellow tunic, with blue tights, and a red ruffle about his neck. In fine, it must be confessed that this Don Perez Goneti bore a much stronger resemblance to an escaped convict, or a street juggler, than to a great lawgiver. A consultation now took place between this great lawgiver and the general, as to whether the speech of the latter would be acceptable to his majesty. "For," said the lawgiver, "his majesty is no fool." "And if he takes me for one, it will not be wise of him!" replied the general. The lawgiver now presented the general, with uncommon ceremony. And although the king bowed, it was evident he regarded the plenipotentiary with inward suspicion, and would have thanked heaven to be rid of both him and his secretary. The general tugged up his breeches, and with an air of self-complacency truly admirable, spoke as follows, the lawgiver acting as interpreter. "May it please your majesty, to whose gracious consideration I commend myself, I am general Roger Sherman Potter, of whom I make no doubt your majesty has heard enough said. And this gentleman (here he turned to Mr. Tickler) is my secretary, perhaps not so well known, but, nevertheless, a man of reputation."
The king yawned and inquired of his minister what the queer looking man said.
"He says your majesty is a great potentate, which is true enough. But he requests that you acknowlege him the greatest living ambassador! Honestly, your majesty, he has great skill as a jester, which I take it is why he was sent here."
"Let him proceed, for if he be a fool, what he says touching our greatness may be turned to profit. Let him proceed, that he prove the wisdom of his government in sending him." The lawgiver now bid the general proceed.
"Here are my credentials," resumed the general, "and if your majesty will run his eye over them, he will see that the president of the United States accredits me minister extraordinary to your majesty's court. That being a proof of his good will, he hopes you will return it with similar testimony. Of the good nature of our president no man can say a word but in praise; and I can swear he entertains a high opinion of your royal person, is earnestly desirous of preserving peace between us, and resolved to respect that comity which should rule among nations so distinguished, and without which neither of us can get along, seeing that we have so many sympathies in common. As for myself, all I have to say is that your majesty will find my conduct so squared as to be acceptable in your eyes, for Heaven is with the peacemakers." Here the general paused as Don Perez Goneti proceeded to the interpretation.
"The man talks so strangely, that may the priests hang me if I know what to make of it. But this I do know: he says many things that would not be pleasing to your majesty's refined ears; such for instance, as that your majesty governs so badly, and has so little knowledge for turning the vast resources of his country to advantage, that the president of the United States seriously contemplates taking the matter in hand, for he knows it would be acceptable to the saints as well as your ill-governed people." At this, his sable majesty went right into a passion and so conducted himself, ordering the queer strangers, as he called them, taken into the plaza and hanged, without further ceremony, that General Potter and Mr. Tickler (neither of whom could understand a word he said) set him down for a madman, inquired of the lawgiver what it all meant, and began to have fears for their safety. Indeed the state of confusion that reigned in the audience chamber came well-nigh putting an end to this remarkable mission. "Pray Mr. Lawgiver, what is the matter with the king, for he acts like a man who has lost his understanding?" inquired the general.
"It is only a freak of his; and if you would have the truth of it, I can tell you, that he is berating these vagabond priests, who give him no peace of his life." Don Perez Goneti then turned to the king, and said: "If your majesty will but listen another minute, he may hear something more pleasing, for the ambassador says he has something good in store."
"Let him proceed then," replied the king, "and if he redeem himself, the hanging shall be spared." The general resumed, while Mr. Tickler trembled in his boots.
"It is come to the president's knowledge, that your majesty is in possession of several valuable Islands, which in their present condition yield no revenue. Therefore he has directed me to say that he will relieve you of them, and turn their fruits to such uses as Heaven ordained they should fulfill. And I can tell your majesty that the president has a remarkable taste for Islands, and so long as he can get them, cares not a whit for the means!"
"May it please your majesty, this great ambassador has a most fertile imagination, to which he adds a supple tongue. He says the evils of your reign are the natural results of the mischievous interference on the part of the priests; and that the President of the United States, having resolved that this state of things shall no longer exist, has instructed him to seize upon all your Islands, and turn their fruits to such uses as Heaven has ordained." This so exasperated the king, that he swore, in the language of his country, that he verily believed the persons before him vagabonds sent by the devil to disturb the peace of his country. Nor indeed were the priests backward in stirring the mischief, for they whispered among themselves that he ought to be well hanged for the slur flung at their order. "Take these men away!" exclaimed the king in the height of his passion, which he was saved from further betraying by the uplifted hand of the priests; "and tomorrow morning at parrot-wink let them be well hanged in the plaza." The king and the priests now retired in great confusion, which so astounded General Potter and his secretary that they must needs inquire what it all meant, for their difference of tongues left a gloomy void between them. And when it was explained by the lawgiver, at whose mercy they were, they looked one at the other in consternation, and were led away perplexed and full of sorrow.
WHEN it was night, and not a beetle was heard, and the guards found great difficulty in keeping awake, Don Perez Goneti came to the house of General Potter, disguised in the robe of a priest. He found the general engaged over dispatches to his government, and letters to his wife Polly; in both of which he set forth in sad and pitiful sentences, "the dire fate" that awaited him. As for Mr. Tickler, he had not an ounce of courage left, but was nevertheless writing articles for the seven New York newspapers, of which he was correspondent. According to Tickler, as set forth in these grave articles, no greater outrage had ever been committed upon the unoffending representatives of the United States, and for which he demanded summary vengeance. "Gentlemen! said the intruder, discovering himself, "I am Don Perez Goneti, the lawgiver! Fear not, for I come to cheer you. This king, you must know, is a great knave, and so under the thumb of the priests that an honest man like myself is not safe a day in his office. Having long meditated his overthrow, I come to offer you the hand of friendship in your distress, and to say that if you will join me in carrying out my design (I have a strong party at my command), we will teach this king what it is to be a subject. By the saints, he has no good will toward your country, as you have seen."
"What you propose is exactly to my liking, for I must tell you that the very same thing has occupied my thoughts; but since I am to be hanged in the morning, why there's an end to all." Don Perez smiled, and assured the general there would be no hanging, since the king was a great coward, and feared the penalty of such an act. "Honestly, your excellency, he has already revoked the sentence, and substituted a novel but very harmless punishment, which when you have endured, he will order you out of the country." This cheering news sent a thrill of joy to Tickler's very heart, for he had been mourning his fate, dissolved in tears; declaring at the same time that dying in the service of ones country was not so desirable a business. Don Perez and the general now held a long consultation, and having sworn mutual hatred of the king and priests, agreed to join forces and seek his speedy overthrow. Don Perez also took charge of their letters and dispatches, which he promised to forward to Jollifee, a town on the coast, between which certain conspirators kept up a communication with New York.
Having restored the general and his secretary to a state of happiness, Don Perez took his departure, when they went quietly to bed, giving themselves no more trouble about the hanging, and entertaining only a slight misgiving as to the nature of the punishment substituted. But of this they were made conscious when morning came. And here I venture to assert that not even the most famous inventor of prison discipline for once dreamed of so curious a mode of punishment as that I am about to describe, and which I seriously recommend as a cure that may be profitably applied to vagrants, idle politicians, and all such persons as live by destroying the peace of the community.
When breakfast was over, three solemn-faced priests, followed by two attendants, entered General Roger Potter's apartment, to the no small discomfiture of Mr. Tickler, to whose mind all the horrors of hanging suddenly returned. "Gentlemen," spoke one of the priests, "we are come to prepare your souls for the punishment which it has pleased our royal master to order." "Pray, your reverence, your royal master had better be mindful lest this punishment cost him his crown. But as you are humane gentlemen, be good enough to enlighten us as to what sort of punishment his Majesty has substituted for the hanging?" inquired the now undaunted general.
"It is enjoined that we hold our peace," replied the priest; "but of the punishment you will know quick enough." And now, when the priests had prayed devoutly for the souls of the culprits, they accompanied them to a building bearing a strong resemblance to a Vermont corn-shed, where two attendants, having first stripped "the Ambassador" and his secretary to their shirts, chained them back to back, and in this pitiful plight compelled them to sit on a huge block of ice, until it was dissolved. And when this punishment was inflicted, it was ordered by the king that they be conveyed beyond the limits of the state. "I know not what you think of this punishment, friend Tickler," said the general, evincing much discomfiture as he took his seat "but to my mind, this being condemned to sit on a block of ice until it dissolves, in nowise becomes my military position, to say nothing of my standing as a minister."
"Faith, your excellency, I begin to think we have both been well fooled, for the smart of this ingenious punishment is more than I have mettle to endure." Tickler had scarce uttered this sentence when he began to scream at the very top of his voice; and to declare the pain so acute that he would much prefer the hanging.
"I am fast coming to your way of thinking, friend Tickler," replied the general, as the priests began offering them consolation, "for every bone from the top of my head to the soul of my feet begins yielding to the pain, which feels as if ten thousand needles were shooting through me."
"Heavens!" exclaimed Tickler, "if your reverences will only relieve us from these torments, you may commend our souls to whom you please, for I have no ambition but to get home. If his excellency wants to die a great martyr, I have no objection!" Here Mr. Tickler relapsed into a state of melancholy, and gave vent to his feelings in a flood of tears. But the priests only looked grave, and would have offered them absolution without a change of countenance. "Bear up, bear up, friend;" rejoined general Potter, "and keep in mind that you suffer for your country's sake. It will soon be over, for the ice melts fast. And if you write not of this outrage, so that it shall fire every heart at home for revenge, then I am much mistaken in your capacity as a critic." Thus bitterly they lamented their fate, until the severity of the pain had well nigh exhausted their strength, and left them in a condition which will be described in the next chapter.
NOVEL as the punishment I have described in the previous chapter may appear to the grave reader, it was not without its severity. If any one doubt this, let him but try the experiment, and I warrant that a few seconds will be sufficient to convince him; and if he be of a merry turn of mind, let him get some kind friend to try the experiment in his presence; but be sure that the performance takes place in the presence of not less than three priests, all of whom must preserve the most solemn demeanor. And now to the matter of the release.
When then the ice was melted, and the culprits were restored to their clothes, the general thanked the priests for their great kindness, and congratulated himself that this most remarkable event, which completely put to blush all the other events of his life, had in no way damped his ardor for great military exploits. "I have great discernment, Tickler," said the general, rubbing his haunches, "and unless the fates come against me, rely upon it this envy of the king will cost him dearly. A little more strength at our backs, and I had made him dance to the tune of this sword of mine." "If your excellency would take my advice," replied Tickler, "he would get speedily home, for if this barbarous vagabond of a king should take it into his head to give us another melting down on the ice, I would not give a straw for either of our lives." An escort, mounted on mules and asses, now arrived and put an end to this dialogue, for it was the signal for the general and his secretary to pack up their alls. And this being done with the assistance of the priests, they were soon mounted, (the general upon old Battle and Mr. Tickler on his mule,) and on their way to Jollifee, a small town on the coast, which they reached in due season, and where this remarkable plenipotentiary spent several months unmolested. I say unmolested, for in truth all trace of him, so far as the public were concerned, seemed to have been obliterated for a time; but he was in reality busying himself carrying on a deep intrigue with Don Perez, for getting possession of the kingdom; as to Mr. Tickler, he betook himself to studying the language of the country, his want of which he discovered had nearly cost him his life.
While then they sojourned at Jollifee, various remarkable dispatches were transmitted to Washington, in all of which the general set forth the grievous injury done him, calling upon the government to take the matter seriously in hand. And as it had got to the ears of the senate at Washington that the administration had not only sent a fool, but a crazy man, to represent us abroad, sundry grave senators demanded the production of these despatches, since they had a curious itching to peep into them. And as the president lost no time in complying with this polite request, and my desire to relieve the reader's impatience has never been doubted, I have purloined one, which I insert here for his diversion, pledging my whole stock of honor that it is a precious sample of the flock, and reads as follows: "DISPATCH No. 3. "JOLLIFEE, in the Kingdom of Kalorama, October 14th, 18-. To His Hon. the Secretary of State for the United States.
"As minister plenipotentiary to this Court, you will expect me to keep you advised of all that is going on. Before you read this, then, just run your eye over dispatches one and two, which, as you are no fool, will straighten your ideas concerning my doings. Now, all the ado that was made over me on my arrival, the triumph with which I was carried in a chair to Nezub, and the courtesy condescended by the king in providing shelter for us, was, as your honor will regret to hear, all deception. The king is an arrant knave, and the priests have so filled his head with evil thoughts that he burns to have a quarrel with us. The poor natives feel well enough toward us; and as to myself, they came to look upon me as the light of their deliverance. And with this advantage, I had resolved to show them that I was the man for their cause; for I am not to be terrified by a savage, and in acting the part of a good Christian we also serve God. Being a peaceable gentleman, as your honor knows, I squared my address to meet all the demands of courtesy. But as your honor instructed me that it was the president's most anxious desire that I get as many of the king's islands as I could conveniently, I must tell you that no sooner had I touched on that point than he went right into a passion, conducting himself very like a New York alderman, and ordering that I be hanged. And what made the matter worse I had not a word of the language of the country at my tongue's end. But the king had not courage enough to execute the hanging, and so, after chaining me to my secretary, the fellow condemned me to sit naked for two hours on a block of ice, which I would have your honor know, is a punishment no man need envy. My great courage and the fact that it is an honor to die in the service of our country was all that saved me. And now, when you have let your patriotism boil, pray, consider this matter gravely; and don't forget to tell the president that with a few sturdy fellows at my back and I had made short work of the savage who has sent me into exile at this place, where I intend remaining for some time. With great consideration, I remain, &c., &c.,
"ROGER SHERMAN POTTER, Minister."
The reading of this curious document afforded the senate no little diversion, while to the government it was a fatal stab, for it discovered the queer order of intellects it had chosen to perform its offices abroad. It is scarcely necessary to add that the senate, though proverbially good natured, made it incumbent on the administration to recall this wonderful diplomatist at an early day. When then this news was conveyed to the general he snapped his fingers, and instead of taking the matter seriously to heart, as is common with many of our venerable diplomatists, directed his secretary to say in reply, that although the office had not yet afforded him enough to pay his debts he freely relinquished it: indeed that having got better business he was glad enough to be rid of an office that had a dozen times nearly brought him to death's door.
The secret of this independence on the part of General Potter was soon discovered. Don Perez Goneti had declared against the government, and had taken the field against the king and his followers, with a band of rebels, bent on having revenge of the priests and possession of the kingdom: while in reply to sundry dispatches addressed to Glenmoregain, describing that he had made such movements as placed the kingdom exactly between his thumbs, the general had received letters advising him of the shipment of a whole cargo of as good vagabonds as were to be had in the New York market. In truth it was wonderful a see how credulous this opulent merchant was; and how readily he fell into all the visionary schemes for overthrowing governments that had their origin in the disordered brain of my hero. As for generals, the large-eyed merchant had consigned my hero no less than a whole mob, no two of whom could be found to agree on a single subject, if you except emptying the contents of a good bottle. And I verily believe had General Roger Potter fancied a kingdom in some remote corner of the South Sea, Glenmoregain would have furnished him the means to get possession of it, though there was no earthly prospect of its yielding him a dollar profit.
And now, having got matters to his entire satisfaction, the general flattered himself that as he was clear of all diplomatic responsibilities, nothing now remained to put him in a position to have revenge of his enemies but the arrival of these fighting vagabonds and generals, at the head of whom he would, when mounted on old Battle, proceed to the relief of Don Perez Goneti, who had proclaimed death to the priests and liberty to the poor Kaloramas.
For what took place on the landing of these vagabonds, as also the battle of the banana hills, the greatest battle ever fought in modern times, the reader is referred to the next chapter.
GENERAL POTTER was not kept long waiting for means to prove himself a great warrior, for the cargo of vagabonds, described so exultingly by Glenmoregain as of the choicest kind, arrived early one morning, and conducted themselves so riotously that the simple-minded people of quiet Jollifee were thrown into a state of great excitement, and imagining them demons escaped from the infernal regions, took to their heels and ran terrified out of town. And this was regarded as a great blessing, for the vagabond army, numbering not less than five hundred, took possession of their houses and made clean work of their poultry yards, which fortunately for the Commander-in-chief were well stocked. But what pleased General Potter most was that Glenmoregain advised him of his intention to ship a dozen more just such cargoes, for there was no lack of such vagabonds in New York, and heaven knew it would be a blessing to get rid of.
And when they had sent terror and dismay to the hearts of the poor natives, and plundered their homes, and revelled to their heart's content, General Potter, feeling in every inch of him how great it was to be Commander-in-chief, directed that his generals appear before him, that he might consult with them concerning various projects of war he had in his head. In obedience then to this sum- mons there appeared before him at least twenty generals and as many major-generals; not one of whom had ever scented the perfume of battle, for ill truth they were dilapidated politicians, and editors, whose lack of brains and love of the bottle had brought them to the very verge of distress. And when they had partaken of the General's good cheer, he addressed them as follows: "Gentlemen! conscious that you are all brave soldiers, I would have you listen with becoming gravity to what I have to say; for I am no fool, and intend to have satisfaction of this King for the insult he offered to our country in compelling me to sit upon the ice. Know then that I have resolved to make the penalty the loss of his kingdom; and as I see you are all patriots, pray bear in mind how great is the undertaking. If we fail, why, then there will be enough to sneer at us; if we be victorious, then the valor of our arms will be sung and glorified in many lands. Remember that success closes malicious mouths. Be heroes then, see that your swords be sharp and your wits not blunted; for I hold that there is no judgment so just as that of a country conferring honors upon the brave; and he who earns the glory shall have it. As to myself, you shall see more of me when the enemy affords me a chance. But forget not that my motto is: "Compositum jus fasque animi," which, seeing that you are all scholars, I make no doubt, is familiar enough to you. To-morrow we will march against the enemy, so let no man say he is sick."
The generals were not a little diverted by this speech, which I venture to assert was never excelled for originality, though many stranger addresses have been made by Commanders-in-Chief to their officers. Indeed they were not long in discovering all the weaknesses of the man, and questioned among themselves whether it were better to yield him explicit obedience or set him down for a fool and treat him accordingly. They however took their departure, promising that nothing should be left undone; in fine that his orders would be obeyed to the letter.
And when they were gone, General Potter shrugged his shoulders, and looking askant at his secretary, who had remained silent during the interview, said: "Honestly, Mr. Tickler, I would like to have your opinion respecting these gentlemen generals of mine, for they seem a set of scurvy fellows, and have much need of raiment." Whispering, with his lips to Tickler's ear, he continued, "and there is a flavor about them by no means agreeable. And unless I be a bad prophet, either the devil has been painting all their noses, or they have long been familiar with the bottle."
"Faith of the saints, if your excellency would know what I think of them, it is this-that, barring you have the capacity of Wellington and Napoleon combined, you will have your hands full in keeping these generals from making war upon one another; though you may find it difficult to keep the army to their fighting when the enemy appears."
"I have them in my power, Tickler," replied the general, giving his head a significant toss; "and if they keep not peace between themselves then I will order them all hanged. And as the rules of the service must not be broken, I will take good care that they show me that deference due to my high position. What is more, friend Tickler, you shall be judge in all these matters, which is an honor of no mean quality; and which is here conferred upon you out of respect to your great learning." Mr. Tickler shook his head, and stroked his beard, despondingly. "It is well enough to be judge, your excellency; but as I have a fear the honors you seem so free to lavish upon me would not keep house well with my poverty, I would prefer first to have that relieved. Do not forget that our man has fed us on stolen provisions for these three weeks," replied Mr. Tickler. An end was put to this dialogue by the general reminding Mr. Tickler that men of great learning ought always to be patriots, since history furnished proofs enough of their great endurance under poverty.
On the following day, the general mounted his faithful horse, and with Mr. Tickler on his mule, proceeded to review his army of vagabonds. And though he complimented them on the great perfection of their drill, and bid them esteem themselves the heroes of no end of victories, they were in truth as awkward a set of fellows as ever shouldered musket, in short, not one of them knew how to take the first move in forming a section, though they could rob hen roosts and banana fields with a facility truly remarkable. And now, as the noon-day sun was oppressive enough to dissolve all their brains, the general ordered his second in command, one Absolam Broadbottom, to say to the army that he would march at nightfall. And when nightfall came, the army commenced its march, and was followed by the general, who cut such a shabby figure, when surrounded by his staff, that the whole army was ready to dissolve with laughter. In short the Commander-in-Chief afforded them an amount of amusement that quite compensated for the loss of hen-roosts. As a truthful historian I must not forget to mention that the general, like a good and discreet warrior, kept at a respectful distance in the rear, ordering at the same time that the country in advance be well scoured, lest some lurking portion of the enemy's army come upon them by surprise, doing serious damage before he could get his army in trim for making them dance again.
When they had travelled many miles, displaying great courage under all sorts of trials, the general suddenly discovered that he had lost his secretary, which sad misfortune he began to bewail in right good earnest. "I would have you know, Broadbottom," said he, addressing his second in command, "that the success of our undertaking will be hazarded without him, for he is a man of great learning."
"Umph!" returned Broadbottom, "if victories are to be gained only by your men of great learning, our country will have little to boast of in that line. It is now midnight, and I would suggest a halt for the night."
The general replied that the suggestion was an excellent one, and bid him act upon it. "You must know sir," said he, "that it is so many years since I have had aught to do with an army, that my memory needs much refreshing on these small matters." He also ordered Broadbottom to detach a file of men and send them in search of his secretary, which order was forthwith executed, to the great delight of those composing it, who instead of troubling themselves about the secretary, were resolved on spending the night at a ranch where dancing was to be had.
And now when all was quiet; when the general, having seen his horse comfortably provided for; when not even a vulture was heard croaking his hopes of a banquet on some dead hero; and when the great and all powerful Potter was sleeping quietly in his camp, the whole army was thrown into a state of great confusion by various voices calling out that they had come upon the enemy, who was forming for battle. The alarm soon found the whole camp out in its shirt, ready to give as good as sent, though report had it that the force of the enemy was prodigious. Another moment and Broadbottom, panting for breath, came rushing into the commander's camp, crying at the very top of his voice: "General! general! for heavens sake get up and take command of the army, for the enemy is advancing rapidly upon us, and there will be one of the bloodiest battles!" A clash of arms was now heard outside, which confirmed what he said, and also sent a thrill of terror to the heart of the great Potter, whose stock of courage was as suddenly snuffed out. Loud reports of musketry followed the clash of arms, and then night was made terrible with divers other piercing cries common to battles of the most sanguinary character.
Feeling in his heart that it would not do for so great a general to let his army know that even an ounce of his courage had left him, he gave a turn in the sheets and was out of bed in a jiffy. He then got into his breeches, but not without some delay, occasioned, I am sorry to say, by divers snakes having invaded the camp and coiled themselves peaceably away in the nether parts. And this, added to the time lost in finding his sword, with which he swore he would trip the toes of all who came in his way, had well-nigh incurred the most fatal consequences. "Minutes are hours, general," spoke Broadbottom, addressing the commander; "and the slightest delay may play the very devil with the glory of our arms, and put an end to the noble enterprise we are engaged in." Hearing this from his second in command, the general quickened his motions and, buckling on his sword, ran out in his night-cap, but without either coat or boots. Indeed, I here assert that history, so far as I have read, affords no instance of one so famous in war as the great Potter proceeding to take command of his army in so strange a uniform. "Now, to my horse!" he exclaimed, "for I take it no man can command an army unless he be mounted." Broadbottom, who was a stalwarth Mississippian, and withal as great a wag as could be found in that state of wags, affected great concern lest the battle be lost for want of speedy action on the part of the commander-in-chief. And as misfortunes will come upon us during the most trying moments, so was it found on reaching old Battle that he had been suddenly seized with a cholic, and indeed was giving out so many proofs of his illness that his master was unable to withhold his tears. In short, so strong was the affection General Potter bore his horse that, being a man of great compassion, he was in no condition to fight a terrible battle. Still the noise of battle without warned him how much his presence was needed on the field. "Heavens! general," said he, wiping the tears from his eyes, "get you to the field without a moment's delay, sink all scientific rules, attack the enemy in front and rear, and when you have shown him that you care neither for him or the devil, turn his flank, which will throw him into confusion and give us a victory. Take the fighting of this great battle to yourself, for I see you are a man of wonderful capacity. And if you give the enemy a right good drubbing, depend upon it I will make the glory all your own, for it shall be recorded in more than one newspaper. It will not do to leave my poor horse in this condition." Broadbottom left the general shedding tears for his horse, and proceeded to carry out the orders of his superior, the extraordinary result of which will be found in the next chapter.
MORNING dawned as the clash of battle ceased, and victory was proclaimed by the vagabond army. And although General Potter had been biting his thumbs in fear of the result, this news so restored his courage that he mounted his three-cornered hat and declared nothing would deter him in future from commanding in person and making splinters of the enemy with his own sword.
"General!" exclaimed Broadbottom, as he came rushing into the camp, "the success of our arms is complete; yes, the god of war has smiled, and we have gained a great victory over the enemy-"
"Truly, general," interrupted the commander-in-chief, "you deserve well. But this I can tell you,-there is nothing like one man infusing his strength into another, which it was my good luck to do when directing you how to fight this battle, which, heaven be blest, has crowned our arms with glory."
"Aye," replied Broadbottom, with a smile, "I understand this well; but if you could have commanded in person, much blood and many valuable lives had been spared."
"That I am fully conscious of," rejoined the commander; "but when men have prodigies to perform, two heads, if I have read right, are better than one. But my horse is now restored to his usual good condition, which, thank heaven, will afford me an opportunity of displaying my valor in the next great battle. Give me, then, an account of the dead and wounded; as also what you have done with the prisoners." Broadbottom was not slow in performing this service, and gave the commander such a wonderful account of the number of the enemy they had killed that he stood surprised and confounded. "As for the commander," spoke Broadbottom, "he was shot from his horse and borne from the field by his staff; but not until he had dropped a purse of gold, which I have brought you as a trophy." And with an air of great courtesy he placed the purse, which contained some twenty doubloons, in the hands of the commander, who made him a return of his thanks for such rare faithfulness. "As for the dead," resumed Broadbottom, "we have buried them in the Banana Hills, from which this great battle must take its name. And as you are well read in philosophy, you will, I am sure, confess that we took the most certain method in disposing of the wounded; for there were some forty, and we hung every one of them."
"Truly, sir, I see you are a Christian gentleman, as well as a soldier; and I have no doubt you were moved to this kind act by a knowledge that it would be inhuman to prolong the agonies of these unfortunate men-"
"You have hit it exactly, general!" interrupted Broadbottom.
"And I am not so sure but that you would have rendered heaven a service in hanging all the prisoners, for he who dies in battle, they say, has an extra claim to the better kingdom that is promised us."
"I have no doubt you are right as far as your ethics go, general; but deeming it more becoming the comity of war, we set them all at liberty, and it would have made your heart dance to see how they took to their heels." An end was put to this dialogue by the commander inviting his generals to breakfast with him, in order, as he said, that he might have an opportunity of complimenting them for their valor, and also of hearing from their own lips an account of the wonderful exploits each had performed,-all of which were proceeded with to his entire satisfaction.
When breakfast was over General Potter mounted old Battle, who was not a whit the worse for his cholic, and reviewed his troops. And though they were sadly deficient in raiment, and altogether presented a most shattered appearance, he declared that never had he in all his experience seen an army look so soldier-like. But this compliment the vagabonds set down for too good a joke to be lost, and, notwithstanding the gravity preserved by their generals, were well-nigh splitting their sides with laughter.
"Now, Broadbottom," said he, when they returned to the camp, "as the guard sent in pursuit of my secretary have returned without getting any tidings of him, and a report of this great battle is imperatively necessary, pray tell me if you have a gentleman who can perform such service?" Broadbottom thereupon informed his commander that there was on the staff one General Stoneheart, a gentleman of much learning, and as good an editor as ever abused his neighbors. "And he is skilled in making such reports," said he, "for I can swear of my own knowledge, general, that he will do the thing exactly to your liking. And withal, he is correspondent of more than one New York newspaper, and has a secret for making victories of the most signal defeats." Stoneheart, a small, ill-clad, shrimp-looking man, was immediately summoned, and appeared before the commander, who interrogated him as to his capacity. All his answers being satisfactory, he was at once set to work preparing the reports, which I venture to assert were never excelled for glowing descriptions of the many prodigies performed in one battle, and which, it is scarce necessary for me to add here, made New York dance with delight when they appeared. "If you have a love for latin," said General Stoneheart to his chief, "I can give them a huge quantity of it." And this so satisfied the great Potter of his being a gentleman exactly suited to the service he required, that he gave no further thought to the subject, but merely concluded by telling him to rub in the latin while the ink lasted.
When, then, the reports were ready he dispatched them with a special bearer; to whose care he also intrusted the purse of gold taken from the enemy, with directions that it be delivered into the hands of his wife Polly, as a proof of the success of the business he was engaged in. He also wrote a letter, stating that he was now at the head of one of the most valiant armies, and would of a certainty soon have kingdoms enough in his possession; which news she might circulate among the neighbors.
And now, having fully described this great battle, I beg the reader will not take it seriously to heart, for in truth it was all a joke practised upon the commander by this Broadbottom, who arranged the whole affair. Nor will I longer keep him in doubt respecting the purse of gold, which was nothing less than the plunder brought in by a scouting party, who having fallen in with a train of poor natives on their way to Buzabub to buy provisions, had robbed them of their all.
Having made these explanations, I will say of General Potter, that, feeling in his heart that no man was more truly brave, night again found him proceeding with his army towards Nezub, which he reached on the dawn of the fourth day, having marched undaunted through deserts and solitudes, and endured privations that would have made such shabby warriors as Pillow shake in his shoes. But although the general would have it that the mission of his army was to reform the nation, nothing but devastation followed in its wake.
Don Perez Goneti came out to meet General Potter, and escorted him to the head-quarters of his army, which, though composed of only two hundred rebels, he declared to be the most valiant men it had ever been his good fortune to know. The general found this army encamped within two miles of Nezub, and notwithstanding the enemy had wisely kept himself confined to his strongholds, their domestic quarrels had afforded them the means of activity necessary to the good condition of such armies. As for the king and the priests, they were daily seen from Goneti's camp, bestirring themselves in the perfection of an army of extermination. And now that these two wonderful armies had met, the allied generals betook themselves to the exchange of courtesies, presentations, and speechmaking. In fine, it seemed as if there was to be a never-ending strain of compliments lavished by each other, for the benefit of the world in general, and for themselves in particular. And while all these ceremonies were being performed to the great delight of the recipient heroes, "the forces" were left to revel to their hearts' content. Honestly, so intent were they on gratifying their inclinations that they quite forgot the enemy and continued plundering the poor natives until neither a chicken was to be seen in their yards nor a banana in their fields.
Thus, for days and even weeks were these reforming armies left to riot at will. One night as Don Perez Goneti was entertaining General Potter at a grand banquet, a lieutenant entered the camp, and with a confused air said: "May it please the commander, as officer of the guard sent to reconnoitre the enemy's position, I have to report, that we penetrated within a few yards of a small chapel in the outskirts of the town. A faint light glimmered from one of the windows, which bespoke mischief within. As the enemy had no outposts we approached to the very window, and looking in discovered eleven priests, plotting no good, I can assure you, for we overheard them discussing an attack to be made upon us to-morrow at daybreak. And after praying devoutly for the success of their undertaking, and saying their beads no end of times, it was resolved that when they had gained the battle to hang us all to the nearest trees, commending our souls to heaven and our bodies to the vultures. And this I heard with my own ears, and can tell you that it is impossible to conceive how nicely these good men had arranged our overthrow." Before the speaker was finished, the eleven priests, their hands bound with cords, their heads bent, and their countenances wearing an air of deep melancholy, were marched into the camp under a guard of soldiers. "And we surprised them, and have brought them here, prisoners of war;" concluded the officer, making a bow as he withdrew.
The downcast and forlorn appearance of these holy men was indeed enough to have enlisted sympathy in their behalf. An end was thus put to the banquet, and Don Perez Goneti inquired of the prisoners, in a peremptory manner, what they had to say for themselves. One more aged than the rest, held up his head, and answered that as it was their mission to do good on earth and pay reverence to the Great Master, so also would they remain true to their king; nor would they crave mercy, since "God protected the right." It must here be mentioned that the two commanders formed themselves into a court, and sat in judgment upon these holy men; while the rest cared not a whit if the devil got the priests. "You confess then that you have been guilty of conspiracy," spoke Don Perez Goneti, "which means that you have merited the halter, which I order you at daylight in the morning; and may the devil take care of you until then, so get to your beads." The guards now marched them away in solemn procession. No sooner had they disappeared, when General Potter, who had at first commended this sentence, turned to his compatriot, and with an air of much anxiety, said: "Pray do not let it be said that I question the justice of your judgment, but I would have you take heed how you hang priests, for being invested with a holiness the unrighteous cannot understand, I am told they have revengeful spirits, which will come back, and not only come back and haunt us wherever we go, but so direct the fates against us as to seal our downfall."
"Aye, and there you are right," rejoined Goneti, "for to my own knowledge, the king of Tutack ordered a priest hung, and his spirit came back and so haunted the kingdom, that it has not prospered since."
"You see then that I have looked well into the thing, and offer you sound logic;" resumed the ready Potter. "Hear me, sir! for I have a better punishment in my head. Spare these holy men the hanging, and let each be mounted on an ass, so that his robes cover the animal's hinder parts. And when you have them thus conditioned, let it be ordered that they ride three hours during the day, for not less than ten days, making a circle in the plaza, and offering up such prayers as our souls may stand in need of." This so delighted Don Goneti that he marvelled at the breadth of his compatriot's intellect, and not only set him down for a man of prodigious resources, but at once fell in with his opinion, forthwith issuing an order that it be carried out to the letter, as will appear in the next chapter.