CHAPTER V.
His labors for nearly a year among the Indians at Kaunaumeek—temporal deprivations and sufferings—establishes a school—confession offered to the faculty of Yale College—days of fasting—methods of instructing the Indians—visit to New-Jersey and Connecticut—commencement of labor among the Indians at the Forks of the Delaware—Ordination.
April 1, 1743.—June 12, 1744.
April 1, 1743.—June 12, 1744.
April 1, 1743.—June 12, 1744.
April 1, 1743.“I rode to Kaunaumeek, in the wilderness, near twenty miles from Stockbridge, and about an equal distance from Albany, where the Indians live with whom I am concerned; and lodged with a poor Scotchman, about a mile and a half distant from them, on a little heap of straw, in a log room without any floor. I was greatly exercised with inward trials, and seemed to have no God to go to. O that God would help me!
April 7.“Appeared to myself exceedingly ignorant, weak, helpless, unworthy, and altogether unequal to my work. It seemed to me that I should never do any service, or have any success among the Indians.My soul was weary of my life; I longed for death, beyond measure. When I thought of any godly soul departed, my soul was ready to envy him his privilege, thinking, “O when will my turn come! must it be years first!” But I know these ardent desires, at this and other times, rose partly from the want of resignation to God under all miseries; and so were but impatience. Toward night I had the exercise of faith in prayer, and some assistance in writing. O that God would keep me near him!
Lord’s day, April 10.“Rose early in the morning and walked out and spent a considerable time in the woods, in prayer and meditation. Preached to the Indians, both forenoon and afternoon. They behaved soberly in general: two or three in particular appeared to be under some religious concern; with whom I discoursed privately; and one told me, “that her heart had cried ever since she first heard me preach.”
April 16.—“In the afternoon preached to my people; but was more discouraged with them than before; feared that nothing would ever be done for them to any happy effect. I retired and poured out my soul to God for mercy; but without any sensible relief. Soon after, two ungodly men came, with a design, as they said, to hear me preach the next day; but none can tell how I felt to hear theirprofanetalk. O, I longed that some dear Christian should know my distress. I got into a kind of hovel, and there groaned out my complaint to God; and withal felt more sensible gratitude and thankfulness to God, that he had made me to differ from these men, as I knew, through grace, he had.
Lord’s day, April 17.—“In the morning was again distressed as soon as I awaked, hearing much talkabout the world, and the things of it. I perceived that the men were in some measure afraid of me; and I discoursed about sanctifying the Sabbath, if possible to solemnize their minds; but when they were at a little distance, they again talked freely about secular affairs. O I thought what ahellit would be to live with such men to eternity! The Lord gave me some assistance in preaching, all day, and some resignation, and a small degree of comfort in prayer, at night.
April 19.—“In the morning I enjoyed some sweet repose and rest in God; felt some strength and confidence in him; and my soul was in some measure refreshed and comforted. Spent most of the day in writing, and had some exercise of grace, sensible and comfortable. My soul seemed lifted above thedeep waters, wherein it has long been almost drowned; felt some spiritual longings and breathings after God; and found myself engaged for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom in my own soul.
April 20.—“Set apart this day for fasting and prayer, to bow my soul before God for the bestowment of divine grace; especially that all my spiritual afflictions, and inward distresses, might be sanctified to my soul. And endeavored also to remember the goodness of God to me the year past, this day being my birth day. Having obtained help of God, I have hitherto lived, and am now arrived at the age of twenty-five years. My soul was pained to think of my barrenness and deadness; that I have lived so little to the glory of the eternal God. I spent the day in the woods alone, and there poured out my complaint to God. O that God would enable me to live to his glory for the future!
May 10.—“Was in the same state as to my mind,that I have been in for some time; extremely oppressed with a sense of guilt, pollution, and blindness, “The iniquity of my heels hath compassed me about: the sins of my youth have been set in order before me; they have gone over my head, as an heavy burden, too heavy for me to bear.” Almost all the actions of my life past seem to be covered over with sin and guilt; and those of them that I performed in the most conscientious manner, now fill me with shame and confusion, that I cannot hold up my face. O, the pride, selfishness, hypocrisy, ignorance, bitterness, party zeal, and the want of love, candor, meekness, and gentleness, that have attended my attempts to promote the interests of religion; and this, when I have reason to hope I had real assistance from above, and some sweet intercourse with heaven! But alas, what corrupt mixtures attended my best duties!”
May 18.—“My circumstances are such that I have no comfort of any kind, but what I have in God. I live in the most lonesome wilderness; have but one single person to converse with that can speak English.[D]Most of the talk I hear, is either Highland Scotch, or Indian. I have no fellow-christian to whom I may unbosom myself, or lay open my spiritual sorrows; with whom I may take sweet counsel in conversation about heavenly things, and join in social prayer. I live poorly with regard to the comforts oflife: most of my diet consists of boiled corn, hasty-pudding, &c. I lodge on a bundle of straw, my labor is hard and extremely difficult, and I have little appearance of success to comfort me. The Indians have no land to live on but what the Dutch people lay claim to; and these threaten to drive them off. They have no regard to thesoulsof the poor Indians; and by what I can learn, they hate me because I come to preach to them. But that which makes all my difficulties grievous to be borne, is, thatGod hides his face from me.
D. This person wasBrainerd’s interpreter, an ingenious young Indian, belonging to Stockbridge, whose name wasJohn Wauwaumpequunnaunt. He had been instructed in the Christian religion by Mr. Sergeant; had lived with the Rev. Mr. Williams, of Long-Meadow; had been further instructed by him, at the charge of Mr. Hollis, of London; and understood both English and Indian very well, and wrote a good hand.
D. This person wasBrainerd’s interpreter, an ingenious young Indian, belonging to Stockbridge, whose name wasJohn Wauwaumpequunnaunt. He had been instructed in the Christian religion by Mr. Sergeant; had lived with the Rev. Mr. Williams, of Long-Meadow; had been further instructed by him, at the charge of Mr. Hollis, of London; and understood both English and Indian very well, and wrote a good hand.
May 20.—“Was much perplexed some part of the day; but toward night had some comfortable meditations on Isa. 40:1. “Comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God,” and enjoyed some sweetness in prayer. Afterward my soul rose so far above the deep waters, that I dared to rejoice in God. I saw that there was sufficient matter of consolation in the blessed God.”
On Monday, May 30, he set out on a journey to New-Jersey to consult the commissioners, and obtain orders from them to set up a school among the Indians at Kaunaumeek, and that his interpreter might be appointed the schoolmaster; which was accordingly done. He proceeded from New-Jersey to New-Haven, where he arrived on Monday, June 6; attempted a reconciliation with the faculty of the college; and spent this week in visiting his friends in those parts, and in his journey homeward, till Saturday, in a pretty comfortable frame of mind. On Saturday, in his way from Stockbridge to Kaunaumeek, he was lost in the woods, and lay all night in the open air; but happily found his way in the morning, and came to his Indians on Lord’s day, June 12, and had greaterassistance in preaching among them than ever before, since his first coming among them.
From this time forward he was the subject of various frames and exercises of mind, in the general much after the same manner as hitherto from his first coming to Kaunaumeek, till he got into his own house, (a little hut, which he made chiefly with his own hands, by long and hard labor.) He found that the distance of the family with whom he at first lodged, debarred him from many favorable opportunities of access to the Indians, especially morning and evening; and after about three months, removed and lived with the Indians in one of their wigwams. Here he continued for about one month, when he completed the small house of which he now speaks.
Although he was much dejected during most of this period, yet he had many intermissions of his melancholy, and some seasons of comfort, sweet tranquillity and resignation of mind, and frequently special assistance in public services, as appears in his diary. The manner of his relief from his sorrow, once in particular, is worthy to be mentioned in his own words.
July 25.—“Had little or no resolution for a life of holiness; was ready almost to renounce my hope of living to God. And O how dark it looked, to think of being unholy for ever! This I could not endure. The cry of my soul was, Psalm 65:3. “Iniquities prevail against me.” But I was in some measure relieved by a comfortable meditation on God’s eternity, that he never had a beginning. Whence I was led to admire his greatness and power, in such a manner, that I stood still, and praised the Lord for his own glories and perfections: though I was (and if I should for ever be) an unholy creature, my soul was comforted to apprehend an eternal, infinite, powerful, holy God.”
July 30.—“Just at night, moved intomy own house, and lodged there that night; found it much better spending the time alone than in thewigwamwhere I was before.
Lord’s day, July 31.—“Felt more comfortably than some days past. Blessed be the Lord, who has now given me a place of retirement. O that I mayfind Godin it, and that he would dwell with me for ever!
Aug. 1.—“Was still busy in further labors on my house. Felt a little sweetness of religion, and thought that it was worth while to follow after God through a thousand snares, deserts, and death itself. O that I might alwaysfollow after holiness, that I may be fully conformed to God! Had some degree of sweetness in secret prayer, though I had much sorrow.
Aug. 3.—“Spent most of the day in writing. Enjoyed some sense of religion. Through divine goodness I am now uninterruptedly alone, and find my retirement comfortable. I have enjoyed more sense of divine things within a few days last past than for some time before. I longed after holiness, humility, and meekness: O that God would enable me to ‘pass the time of my sojourning here in his fear,’ and alwayslive to him!
Aug. 4.—“Was enabled to pray much through the whole day; and through divine goodness found some intenseness of soul in the duty, as I used to do, and some ability to persevere in my supplications. I had some apprehensions of divine things, which afforded me courage and resolution. It is good, I find, topersevere in attemptsto pray, if I cannotpray with perseverance, i. e. continue long in my addresses to the Divine Being. I have generally found thatthe more I doin secret prayer, the more I havedelighted to do,and the more I have enjoyed a spirit of prayer; and frequently I have found the contrary, when by journeying or otherwise I have been much deprived of retirement. A seasonable, steady performance ofSECRET DUTIES IN THEIR PROPER HOURS, and aCAREFUL IMPROVEMENT OF ALL TIME, filling up every hour with some profitable labor, either of heart, head, or hands, are excellent means of spiritual peace and boldness before God. Filling up our timewithandforGod, is the way to rise up and lie down in peace.
Aug. 13.—“Was enabled in secret prayer to raise my soul to God, with desire and delight. It was indeed a blessed season. I found the comfort of being a Christian; and “counted the sufferings of the present life not worthy to be compared with the glory” of divine enjoyments even in this world. All my past sorrows seemed kindly to disappear, and I “remembered no more the sorrow, for joy.” O, how kindly, and with what a filial tenderness, the soul confides in “the Rock of Ages,” at such a season, that he will “never leave it nor forsake it,” that he will cause “all things to work together for its good!” I longed that others should know how good a God the Lord is. My soul was full of tenderness and love, even to the most inveterate of my enemies. I longed that they should share in the same mercy; and loved that God should so do just as he pleased with me and every thing else. I felt peculiarly serious, calm, and peaceful, and encouragement to press after holiness as long as I live, whatever difficulties and trials may be in my way. May the Lord always help me so to do! Amen, and Amen.
Aug. 15.—“Spent most of the day in labor, to procure something to keep my horse on in the winter. Had not much spiritual enjoyment in the morning;was very weak in body through the day; and thought that this frail body would soon drop into the dust; and had some very realizing apprehensions of a speedy entrance into another world. In this weak state of body, I was not a little distressed for want of suitable food. I had no bread, nor could I get any. I am forced to go or send ten or fifteen miles for all the bread I eat; and sometimes it is mouldy and sour before I eat it, if I get any considerable quantity. And then again I have none for some days together, for want of an opportunity to send for it, and cannot find my horse in the woods to go myself; and this was my case now; but through divine goodness I had some Indianmeal, of which I made cakes, and fried them. Yet I felt contented with my circumstances, and sweetly resigned to God. In prayer I enjoyed great freedom; and blessed God as much for my present circumstances as if I had been a king; and thought that I found a disposition to be contented inanycircumstances. Blessed be God.”
In his diary for Saturday, he says he was somewhat melancholy and sorrowful in mind; and adds, “I never feel comfortably, but when I find my soul going forth after God. If I cannot be holy, I must necessarily be miserable for ever.
Lord’s day, Aug. 21.—“Was much straitened in the forenoon exercise; my thoughts seemed to be all scattered to the ends of the earth. At noon, I fell down before the Lord, groaned under my vileness, barrenness, and deadness; and felt as if I was guilty of soul murder, in speaking to immortal souls in such a manner as I had then done. In the afternoon God was pleased to give me some assistance, and I was enabled to set before my hearers the nature and necessity of true repentance. Afterward had some small degree of thankfulness.Was very ill and full of pain in the evening and my soul mourned that I had spent so much time to so little profit.
Aug. 23.—“Studied in the forenoon, and enjoyed some freedom. In the afternoon labored abroad: endeavored to pray, but found not much enjoyment or intenseness of mind. Toward night was very weary, and tired of this world of sorrow: the thoughts of death and immortality appeared very desirable, and even refreshed my soul. Those lines turned in my mind with pleasure,
“Come death, shake hands; I’ll kiss thy bands;“’Tis happiness for me to die.—“What!—dost thou think that I will shrink?“I’ll go to immortality.”
“Come death, shake hands; I’ll kiss thy bands;“’Tis happiness for me to die.—“What!—dost thou think that I will shrink?“I’ll go to immortality.”
“Come death, shake hands; I’ll kiss thy bands;“’Tis happiness for me to die.—“What!—dost thou think that I will shrink?“I’ll go to immortality.”
“Come death, shake hands; I’ll kiss thy bands;
“’Tis happiness for me to die.—
“What!—dost thou think that I will shrink?
“I’ll go to immortality.”
“In evening prayer, God was pleased to draw near my soul, though very sinful and unworthy; so that I was enabled to wrestle with God, and to persevere in my requests for grace. I poured out my soul for all the world, friends and enemies. My soul was concerned, not so much for souls as such, but rather for Christ’s kingdom, that it might appear in the world, that God might be known to be God, in the whole earth. And O my soul abhorred the very thought of apartyin religion! Let the truth of God appear, wherever it is; and God have glory for ever. Amen. This was indeed a comfortable season. I thought I had some foretaste of the enjoyments and employments of the upper world. O that my soul was more attempered to it!
Aug. 31.—[On a journey to New-York.] “Was in a sweet, serious, and I hope, Christian frame. Eternal things engrossed all my thoughts; and I longed to be in the world of spirits. O how happy is it to haveall our thoughts swallowed up in that world: to feel one’s self a stranger in this world, diligently seeking a road through it, the best, the sure road to the heavenly Jerusalem!”
He went forward on his journey, and after tarrying two or three days at New-York, set out from that city toward New-Haven, intending to be there at the commencement.
Lord’s day, Sept. 11.—“[At Horse-Neck.] In the afternoon I preached from Titus, 3:8. I think God never helped me more in painting true religion, and in detecting clearly, and tenderly discountenancing false appearances of religion, wild fire, party zeal, spiritual pride, &c. as well as a confident dogmatical spirit, and its spring, viz.ignorance of the heart. In the evening took much pains in private conversation to suppress some confusions which I perceived were among that people.
Sept. 13.—“Rode to New-Haven. Was sometimes dejected; not in the sweetest frame. Lodged at ****. Had some profitable Christian conversation. I find, though my inward trials were great, and a life of solitude gives them greater advantage to settle, and penetrate to the very inmost recesses of the soul; yet it is better to be alone than incumbered with noise and tumult. I find it very difficult maintaining any sense of divine things while removing from place to place diverted with new objects, and filled with care and business. A settled steady business is best adapted to a life of strict religion.
Sept. 14.—“This day I ought to have taken mydegree; but God sees fit to deny it me. And though I was greatly afraid of being overwhelmed with perplexity and confusion, when I should see myclassmatestake theirs; yet, at the very time, God enabled me with calmness and resignation to say, “the will of the Lord be done.” Indeed, through divine goodness, I have scarcely felt my mind so calm, sedate, and comfortable for some time. I have long feared this season, and expected my humility, meekness, patience and resignation would be much tried; but found much more pleasure and divine comfort than I expected. Felt spiritually serious, tender and affectionate in private prayer with a dear Christian friend to-day.
Sept. 15.—“Had some satisfaction in hearing the ministers discourse. It is always a comfort to me to hear religious and spiritual conversation. O that ministers and people were more spiritual and devoted to God! Toward night, with the advice of Christian friends, I offered the following reflections in writing, to the rector and trustees of the college—which are for substance the same that I had freely offered to the rector before, and intreated him to accept—that if possible I might cut off all occasion of offence from those who seek occasion. What I offered, is as follows:
“‘Whereas I have said before several persons, concerning Mr. Whittelsey, one of the tutors of Yale College, that I did not believe he had any more grace than the chair I then leaned upon; I humbly confess, that herein I have sinned against God, and acted contrary to the rules of his word, and have injured Mr. Whittelsey. I had no right to make thus free with his character; and had no just reason to say as I did concerning him. My fault herein was the more aggravated, in that I said this concerning one who was so much my superior, and one whom I was obliged to treat with special respect and honor, by reason of the relation I stood in to him in the college. Such a manner of behavior I confess did not become a Christian; it was taking too much upon me, and did not savor of that humble respect which I ought to have expressedtoward Mr. Whittelsey. I have long since been convinced of the falseness of those apprehensions, by which I then justified such a conduct. I have often reflected on this act with grief; I hope, on account of the sin of it: and am willing to lie low, and be abased before God and man for it. I humbly ask the forgiveness of the governors of the college and of the whole society; but of Mr. Whittelsey in particular. And whereas I have been accused by one person of saying concerning the reverend rector of Yale College, that I wondered he did not expect to drop down dead for fining the scholars that followed Mr. Tennent to Milford; I seriously profess that I do not remember my saying any thing to this purpose: but if I did, which I am not certain I did not, I utterly condemn it, and detest all such kind of behavior; and especially in an under-graduate toward the rector. And I now appear to judge and condemn myself for going once to the separate meeting in New-Haven, a little before I was expelled, though the rector had refused to give me leave. For this I humbly ask the rector’s forgiveness. And whether the governors of the college shall ever see cause to remove the academical censure I lie under, or no, or to admit me to the privileges I desire; yet I am willing to appear, if they think fit, openly to own, and to humble myself for those things I have herein confessed.’”
“‘Whereas I have said before several persons, concerning Mr. Whittelsey, one of the tutors of Yale College, that I did not believe he had any more grace than the chair I then leaned upon; I humbly confess, that herein I have sinned against God, and acted contrary to the rules of his word, and have injured Mr. Whittelsey. I had no right to make thus free with his character; and had no just reason to say as I did concerning him. My fault herein was the more aggravated, in that I said this concerning one who was so much my superior, and one whom I was obliged to treat with special respect and honor, by reason of the relation I stood in to him in the college. Such a manner of behavior I confess did not become a Christian; it was taking too much upon me, and did not savor of that humble respect which I ought to have expressedtoward Mr. Whittelsey. I have long since been convinced of the falseness of those apprehensions, by which I then justified such a conduct. I have often reflected on this act with grief; I hope, on account of the sin of it: and am willing to lie low, and be abased before God and man for it. I humbly ask the forgiveness of the governors of the college and of the whole society; but of Mr. Whittelsey in particular. And whereas I have been accused by one person of saying concerning the reverend rector of Yale College, that I wondered he did not expect to drop down dead for fining the scholars that followed Mr. Tennent to Milford; I seriously profess that I do not remember my saying any thing to this purpose: but if I did, which I am not certain I did not, I utterly condemn it, and detest all such kind of behavior; and especially in an under-graduate toward the rector. And I now appear to judge and condemn myself for going once to the separate meeting in New-Haven, a little before I was expelled, though the rector had refused to give me leave. For this I humbly ask the rector’s forgiveness. And whether the governors of the college shall ever see cause to remove the academical censure I lie under, or no, or to admit me to the privileges I desire; yet I am willing to appear, if they think fit, openly to own, and to humble myself for those things I have herein confessed.’”
“God has made me willing to do any thing that I can do consistently with truth, for the sake of peace, and that I might not be a stumbling block to others. For this reason I can cheerfully forego and give up what I verily believe, after the most mature and impartial search, is my right, in some instances. God has given me the disposition, that, if a man has done me a hundred injuries, and I (though ever so much provoked to it) have done him only one, I feel disposed and heartily willing humbly to confess my fault to him, and on my knees to ask forgiveness of him; though at the same time he should justify himself in all the injurieshe has done me, and should only make use of my humble confession to blacken my character the more, and represent me as the only person guilty; yea, though he should as it were insult me, and say, “he knew all this before, and that I was making work for repentance.” Though what I said concerning Mr. Whittelsey was only spoken in private, to a friend or two; and being partly overheard, was related to the rector, and by him extorted from my friends; yet, seeing it was divulged and made public, I was willing to confess my fault therein publicly. But I trust God will plead my cause.”
I was witness to the very Christian spirit which Brainerd showed at that time; being then at New-Haven, and one whom he thought fit to consult on that occasion. This was my first opportunity of a personal acquaintance with him. There truly appeared in him a great degree of calmness and humility, without the least appearance of rising of spirit for any ill treatment which he supposed he had suffered, or the least backwardness to abase himself before them who, as he thought, had wronged him. What he did was without any objection or appearance of reluctance, even in private to his friends, to whom he freely opened himself. Earnest application was made on his behalf to the authority of the college, that he might have his degree then given him; and particularly by the Rev. Mr. Burr of Newark, one of the correspondents of the society in Scotland; he being sent from New-Jersey to New-Haven, by the rest of the commissioners, for that end; and many arguments were used, but without success. Indeed, the governors of the college were so far satisfied with the reflections which Brainerd had made on himself, that they appeared willing toadmit him again into college; but not to give him his degree, till he should have remained there at least twelve months, which being contrary to what the correspondents, to whom he was now engaged, had declared to be their mind, he did not consent to it. He desired his degree, as he thought it would tend to his being more extensively useful; but still when he was denied it, he manifested no disappointment or resentment.
Sept. 20.—“[At Bethlehem.] Had thoughts of going forward on my journey to my Indians; but toward night was taken with a hard pain in my teeth, and shivering cold; and could not possibly recover a comfortable degree of warmth the whole night following I continued very full of pain all night; and in the morning had a very hard fever, and pains almost over my whole body. I had a sense of the divine goodness in appointing this to be the place of my sickness, among my friends, who were very kind to me. I should probably have perished if I had first got home to my own house in the wilderness, where I have none to converse with but the poor, rude, ignorant Indians. Here, I saw, was mercy in the midst of affliction. I continued thus, mostly confined to my bed, till Friday night; very full of pain most of the time; but, through divine goodness, not afraid of death. Then I saw the extreme folly of those who put off their turning to God till a sick bed. Surely this is not a time proper to prepare for eternity. On Friday evening my pains went off somewhat suddenly. I was exceedingly weak, and almost fainted; but was very comfortable the night following. I thought we were to prize the continuation of life, only on this account, that we may “show forth God’s goodness and works of grace.”
Oct. 4.—“This day rode home to my own house and people. The poor Indians appeared very glad of my return. Found my house and all things in safety, I presently fell on my knees, and blessed God for my safe return. I have taken many considerable journies since this time last year, and yet God has never suffered one of my bones to be broken, or any distressing calamity to befal me, excepting the ill turn I had in my last journey. I have been often exposed to cold and hunger in the wilderness, where the comforts of life were not to be had; have frequently been lost in the woods; and sometimes obliged to ride much of the night; and once lay out in the woods all night; yet blessed be God, he has preserved me!
Nov. 3.—“Spent this day in secret fasting and prayer, from morning till night. Early in the morning I had some small degree of assistance in prayer. Afterward read the story of Elijah the prophet, 1 Kings, 17th, 18th, and 19th chapters; and also 2 Kings, 2d, and 4th chapters. My soul was much moved, observing the faith, zeal, and power of that holy man; how he wrestled with God in prayer, &c. My soul then cried with Elisha, “Where is the Lord God of Elijah!” O I longed for more faith! My soul breathed after God, and pleaded with him, that a “double portion of that spirit” which was given to Elijah, might “rest on me.” And that which was divinely refreshing and strengthening to my soul, was, I saw that God is thesamethat he was in the days of Elijah. Was enabled to wrestle with God by prayer, in a more affectionate, fervent, humble, intense, and importunate manner, than I have for many months past. Nothing seemed too hard for God to perform; nothing too great for me to hope for from him. I had for manymonths entirely lost all hope of being made instrumental of doing any special service for God in the world; it has appeared entirely impossible, that one so vile should be thus employed for God. But at this time God was pleased to revive this hope. Afterward read from the 3d chapter of Exodus to the 20th, and saw more of thegloryandmajesty of Goddiscovered in those chapters than ever I had seen before; frequently in the mean time falling on my knees and crying to God for the faith of Moses, and for a manifestation of thedivine glory. Especially the 3d, 4th, and part of the 14th and 15th chapters were unspeakably sweet to my soul: my soul blessed God that he had shown himself so gracious to his servants of old. The 15th chapter seemed to be the very language which my soul uttered to God in the season of my first spiritual comfort, when I had just got through theRed Sea, by awaythat I had no expectation of. O how my soul thenrejoiced in God! And now those things came fresh and lively to my mind; now my soul blessed God afresh that he had opened that unthought of way to deliver me from the fear of the Egyptians, when I almost despaired of life. Afterward read the story of Abraham’s pilgrimage in the land of Canaan. My soul was melted, in observing hisfaith, how he leaned on God; how hecommunedwith God; and what astrangerhe was here in the world. After that, read the story of Joseph’s sufferings, and God’s goodness to him: blessed God for these examples of faith and patience. My soul was ardent in prayer, was enabled to wrestle ardently for myself, for Christian friends, and for the church of God; and felt more desire to see the power of God in the conversion of souls, than I have done for a long season. Blessed beGod for this season of fasting and prayer!—May his goodness always abide with me, and draw my soul to him!
Nov. 10.—“Spent this day in fasting and prayer alone. In the morning was very dull and lifeless, melancholy and discouraged. But after some time, while reading 2 Kings, 19, my soul was moved and affected; especially reading verse 14, and onward. I saw there was no other way for the afflicted children of God to take, but to go to God with all their sorrows. Hezekiah, in his great distress, went and spread his complaint before the Lord. I was then enabled to see the mighty power of God, and my extreme need of that power; and to cry to him affectionately and ardently for his power and grace to be exercised toward me. Afterward, read the story of David’s trials, and observed the course he took under them, how he strengthened his hands in God; whereby my soul was carried out after God, enabled to cry to him, and rely upon him, and felt strong in the Lord. Was afterward refreshed, observing the blessed temper that was wrought in David by his trials: all bitterness, and desire of revenge, seemed wholly taken away; so that he mourned for the death of his enemies. 2 Sam. 1:17, and 4:9-12. Was enabled to bless God that he had given me something of this divine temper, that my soul freelyforgives, and heartilyloves my enemies.
Nov. 29.—“Began to study the Indian tongue, with Mr. Sergeant, at Stockbridge.[E]Was perplexed for wantof more retirement. I love to live alone in my own little cottage, where I can spend much time in prayer, &c.
E. The commissioners who employed him, had directed him to spend much time this winter with Mr. Sergeant, to learn the language of the Indians; which necessitated him very often to ride backward and forward, twenty miles through the uninhabited woods between Stockbridge and Kaunaumeek; which many times exposed him to extreme hardship in the severe seasons of the winter.
E. The commissioners who employed him, had directed him to spend much time this winter with Mr. Sergeant, to learn the language of the Indians; which necessitated him very often to ride backward and forward, twenty miles through the uninhabited woods between Stockbridge and Kaunaumeek; which many times exposed him to extreme hardship in the severe seasons of the winter.
Dec. 22.—“Spent this day alone in fasting and prayer, and reading in God’s word the exercises and deliverances of his children. Had, I trust, some exercise of faith, and realizing apprehension of divine power, grace, and holiness; and also of the unchangeableness of God, that he is the same as when he delivered his saints of old out of great tribulation. My soul was sundry times in prayer enlarged for God’s church and people. O that Zion might become the “joy of the whole earth!” It is better to wait upon God with patience, than to put confidence in any thing in this lower world. “My soul, wait thou on the Lord;” for “from him comes thy salvation.”
Lord’s day, Jan. 1, 1744.—“In the morning had some small degree of assistance in prayer. Saw myself so vile and unworthy that I could not look my people in the face when I came to preach. O my meanness, folly, ignorance, and inward pollution!—In the evening had a little assistance in prayer, so that the duty was delightful, rather than burdensome. Reflected on the goodness of God to me in the past year, &c. Of a truth God has been kind and gracious to me, though he has caused me to pass through many sorrows; he has provided for me bountifully, so that I have been enabled, in about fifteen months past, to bestow to charitable uses about anhundred poundsNew-England money, that I can now remember. Blessed be the Lordthat has so far used me ashis steward, to distribute aportion of his goods. May I always remember, that all I have comes from God. Blessed be the Lord, that has carried me through all the toils, fatigues and hardships of the year past, as well as the spiritual sorrows and conflicts that have attended it. O that I could begin this yearwith God, and spend the whole of it tohis glory, either in life or death!
Jan. 3.—“Was employed much of the day in writing; and spent some time in other necessary employment. But my time passes away so swiftly, that I am astonished when I reflect on it, and see how little I do. My state of solitude does not make the hours hang heavy upon my hands. O what reason of thankfulness have I on account of this retirement! I find that I do not, and it seems I cannot, lead aChristian lifewhen I am abroad, and cannot spend time in devotion, Christian conversation, and serious meditation, as I should do. Those weeks that I am obliged now to be from home, in order to learn the Indian tongue, are mostly spent in perplexity and barrenness, without much sweet relish of divine things; and I feel myself a stranger at the throne of grace for want of more frequent and continued retirement. When I return home and give myself to meditation, prayer, and fasting, a new scene opens to my mind, and my soul longs for mortification, self-denial, humility, and divorcement from all things of the world. This evening my heart was somewhat warm and fervent in prayer and meditation, so that I was loth to indulge sleep. Continued in those duties till about midnight.
Jan. 6.—“Feeling my extreme weakness, and want of grace, the pollution of my soul, and danger of temptations on every side, I set apart this day for fasting andprayer, neither eating nor drinking from evening to evening, beseeching God to have mercy on me. My soul intensely longed that the dreadful spots and stains of sin might be washed away from it. Saw something of the power and all-sufficiency of God. My soul seemed to rest on his power and grace; longed for resignation to his will, and mortification to all things here below. My mind was greatly fixed on divine things: my resolutions for a life of mortification, continual watchfulness, self-denial, seriousness and devotion, were strong and fixed; my desires ardent and intense; my conscience tender, and afraid of every appearance of evil. My soul grieved with reflection on past levity, and want of resolution for God. I solemnly renewed my dedication of myself to God, and longed for grace to enable me always to keep covenant with him. Time appeared very short, eternity near and a great name, either in or after life, together with all earthly pleasures and profits, but an empty bubble, a deluding dream.
Jan. 7.“Spent this day in seriousness, with steadfast resolutions for God, and a life of mortification. Studied closely, till I felt my bodily strength fail. Felt some degree of resignation to God, with an acquiescence in his dispensations. Was grieved that I could do so little for God before my bodily strength failed. In the evening, though tired, was enabled to continue instant in prayer for some time. Spent the time in reading, meditation, and prayer, till the evening was far spent: was grieved to think that I could notwatch unto prayerthe whole night. But blessed be God, heaven is a place of continual and incessant devotion though the earth is dull.
Jan. 14.“This morning, enjoyed a most solemnseason in prayer: my soul seemed enlarged and assisted to pour out itself to God for grace, and for every blessing I wanted for myself, for dear Christian friends, and for the church of God; and was so enabled to “see Him who is invisible,” that my soulrested upon himfor the performance of every thing I asked agreeable to his will. It was then my happiness to ‘continue instant in prayer,’ and I was enabled to continue in it for near an hour. My soul was then “strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.” Longed exceedingly for an angelic holiness and purity, and to have all my thoughts, at all times, employed in divine and heavenly things. Felt the same divine assistance in prayer sundry times in the day. My soul confided in God for myself, and for his Zion: trusted in divine power and grace, that he would do glorious things in his church on earth, for his own glory.
Feb. 3.“Enjoyed more freedom and comfort than of late; was engaged in meditation upon the different whispers of the various powers and affections of a pious mind, exercised with a great variety of dispensations; and could not but write, as well as meditate, on so entertaining a subject. I hope the Lord gave me some true sense of divine things this day; but alas, how great and pressing are the remains of indwelling corruption! I am now more sensible than ever, that God alone is “the author and finisher of our faith,”i. e.that the whole and every part of sanctification, and every good word, work, or thought, found in me, is the effect of his power and grace; that “without him I can do nothing,” in the strictest sense, and that, “he works in us to will and to do of his own good pleasure,” and from no other motive. O how amazing it is that people can talk so much about men’s power and goodness,when if God did not hold us back every moment, we should be devils incarnate! This my bitter experience, for several days last past, has abundantly taught me concerning myself.
Feb. 7.“My soul felt and tasted that the Lord is gracious; that he is the supreme good, the only soul-satisfying happiness; that he is a complete, sufficient, and almighty portion. The language of my heart was, “Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.” O, I feel that it is heaven to please him, and to be just what he would have me to be! O that my soul were “holy, as he is holy!” O that it were “pure, even as Christ is pure;” and “perfect, as my Father in heaven is perfect!” These I feel are the sweetest commands in God’s book, comprising all others. And shall I break them! must I break them! am I under the necessity of it as long as I live in the world! O my soul, wo, wo is me, that I am a sinner, who continually grieve and offend this blessed God, infinite in goodness and grace! O methinks if he would punish me for my sins, it would not wound my heart so deep to offend him; but though I sin continually, yet he continually repeats his kindness to me! O methinks I could bear any sufferings; but how can I bear to grieve and dishonor this blessed God! How shall I yield ten thousand times more honor to him? What shall I do to glorify and worship this best of beings? O that I could consecrate myself, soul and body, to his service for ever! O that I could give up myself to him, so as never more to attempt to be my own, or to have any will or affections that are not perfectly conformed to him! But, alas! I find I cannot be thus entirely devoted to God; I cannot live, and not sin. O ye angels, do ye glorify him incessantly; and if possible,prostrate yourselves lower before the blessed King of heaven! I long to bear a part with you; and, if it were possible, to help you. O when we have done all that we can, to all eternity, we shall not be able to offer the ten thousandth part of the homage which the glorious God deserves!
March 3.“In the morning, spent (I believe) an hour in prayer, with great intenseness and freedom, and with the most soft and tender affection toward all mankind. I longed that those who, I have reason to think, owe me ill will, might be eternally happy. It seemed refreshing to think of meeting them in heaven, how much soever they had injured me on earth: had no disposition to insist upon any confession from them, in order to reconciliation, and the exercise of love and kindness to them. O it is an emblem of heaven itself, to love all the world with a love of kindness, forgiveness, and benevolence; to feel our souls sedate, mild, and meek; to be void of all evil surmisings and suspicions, and scarce able to think evil of any man upon any occasion; to find our hearts simple, open, and free, to those that look upon us with a different eye!—Prayer was so sweet an exercise to me, that I knew not how to cease, lest I should lose the spirit of prayer. Felt no disposition to eat or drink, for the sake of the pleasure of it, but only to support my nature, and fit me for divine service. Could not be content without a very particular mention of a great number of dear friends at the throne of grace; as also the particular circumstances of many, as far as they were known.
March 10.“In the morning, felt exceeding dead to the world, and all its enjoyments. I thought I was ready and willing to give up life and all its comforts, as soon as called to it; and yet then had as much comfortof life as almost ever I had. I longed to be perpetually and entirelycrucifiedto all things here below, by thecross of Christ. My soul was sweetly resigned to God’s disposal of me, in every regard; and I saw that nothing had happened but what was best for me. I confided in God, that he would never leave me, though I should “walk through the valley of the shadow of death.” It was then my meat and drink to be holy, to live to the Lord, and die to the Lord. And I thought that I then enjoyed such a heaven as far exceeded the most sublime conceptions of an unregenerate soul; and even unspeakably beyond what I myself could conceive of at another time. I did not wonder that Peter said, “Lord, it is good to be here,” when thus refreshed with divine glories. My soul was full of love and tenderness in the duty of intercession; especially felt a most sweet affection to some precious godly ministers, of my acquaintance. Prayed earnestly for dear Christians, and for those I have reason to fear are my enemies; and could not have spoken a word of bitterness, or entertained a bitter thought, against the vilest man living. Had a sense of my own great unworthiness. My soul seemed to breathe forth love and praise to God afresh, when I thought he would let his children love and receive me as one of their brethren and fellow citizens. When I thought of their treating me in that manner, I longed to lie at their feet; and could think of no way to express the sincerity and simplicity of my love and esteem of them, as being much better than myself.
Lord’s day, March 11.“My soul was in some measurestrengthened in God, in morning devotion; so that I was released from trembling fear and distress. Preached to my people from the parable of thesower, Matt.13, and enjoyed some assistance both parts of the day, had some freedom, affection, and fervency in addressing my poor people; longed that God should take hold of their hearts, and make them spiritually alive. And indeed I had so much to say to them, that I knew not how to leave off speaking.”
This was the last Sabbath in which he ever performed public service at Kaunaumeek, and these the last sermons which he ever preached to the Indians there. The methods he adopted for their salvation, he thus describes in a letter to Rev. Mr. Pemberton of New-York.
“In my labors with them, in order to “turn them from darkness to light,” I studied what was mostplainandeasy, and best suited to their capacities; and endeavored to set before them from time to time, as they were able to receive them, the mostimportantandnecessarytruths of Christianity; such as most immediately concerned their speedy conversion to God, and such as I judged had the greatest tendency, as means, to effect that glorious change in them. But especially I made it the scope and drift of all my labors, to lead them into a thorough acquaintance with these two things: (1.) Thesinfulnessandmiseryof the estate they were naturally in; the evil of their hearts, the pollution of their natures; the heavy guilt they were under, and their exposedness to everlasting punishment; as also their utter inability to save themselves, either from their sins, or from those miseries which are the just punishment of them; and their unworthiness of any mercy at the hand of God, on account of any thing they themselves could do to procure his favor, and consequently their extreme need of Christ to save them. And, (2.) I frequently endeavored toopen to them thefullness,all-sufficiency, andfreenessof thatredemptionwhich the Son of God has wrought out by his obedience and sufferings, for perishing sinners: how this provision he had made was suited to all their wants; and how he called and invited them to accept of everlasting life freely, notwithstanding all their sinfulness.
“After I had been with the Indians several months, I composed sundryforms of prayer, adapted to their circumstances and capacities; which, with the help of my interpreter, I translated into the Indian language; and soon learned to pronounce their words, so as to pray with them in their own tongue. I also translated sundrypsalmsinto their language, and soon after we were able to sing in the worship of God.
“When my people had gained some acquaintance with many of the simplest truths of Christianity, so that they were capable of receiving and understanding others, I gave them anhistoricalaccount of God’s dealings with his ancient professing people, the Jews; some of the rites and ceremonies they were obliged to observe, as their sacrifices, &c.; and what these were designed to represent to them; as also some of the surprisingmiraclesGod wrought for their salvation, while they trusted in him; and sorepunishmentshe sometimes brought upon them, when they forsook and sinned against him. Afterward I proceeded to give them a relation of the birth, life, miracles, sufferings, death, and resurrection of Christ; as well as his ascension, and the wonderful effusion of the Holy Spirit consequent thereupon.
“And having thus endeavored to prepare the way by such a general account of things, I next proceeded to read andexpoundto them the Gospel of St. Matthew(at least the substance of it) in course, wherein they had a more distinct and particular view of what they had had before some general notion. These expositions I attended almost everyevening, when there was any considerable number of them at home; except when I was obliged to be absent myself, in order to learn the Indian language with the Rev. Mr.SergeantSergeant. Besides these means of instruction, there was likewise an Englishschoolconstantly kept by my interpreter among the Indians; which I used frequently to visit, in order to give the children and young people some proper instructions, and serious exhortations suited to their age.
“The degree of knowledge to which some of them attained was considerable. Many of the truths of Christianity seemed fixed in their minds, especially in some instances, so that they would speak to me of them, and ask such questions about them as were necessary to render them more plain and clear to their understandings. The children, also, and young people, who attended the school, made considerable proficiency (at least some of them) in their learning; so that had they understood the English language well, they would have been able to read somewhat readily in a psalter.
“But that which was most of all desirable, and gave me the greatest encouragement amidst many difficulties and disconsolate hours, was, that the truths of God’s word seemed, at times, to be attended with somepowerupon the hearts and consciences of theIndians.Indians.And especially this appeared evident in a few individuals, who were awakened to some sense of their miserable estate by nature, and appeared solicitous for deliverance from it. Several of them came, of their own accord to discourse with me about their soul’sconcerns; and some, with tears, inquired what they should do to be saved?”
The Indians at Kaunaumeek being but few in number and Brainerd having been laboring among them about a year, and having prevailed upon them to be willing to leave Kaunaumeek, and remove to Stockbridge, to live constantly under Mr. Sergeant’s ministry; he thought he might now do more service for Christ among the Indians elsewhere: and therefore went to New-Jersey, and laid the matter before the Commissioners; who met at Elizabeth-Town, on the occasion, and determined that he should forthwith leave Kaunaumeek, and go to the Delaware Indians.
By the invitations which Brainerd had lately received, it appears, that it was not from necessity, or for want of opportunities to settle in the ministry, that he determined to forsake all the outward comforts, he might thus have enjoyed, to spend his life amongsavages, and endure the difficulties and self-denials of an Indianmission. He had, just as he was leaving Kaunaumeek, had an earnest invitation to a settlement at East-Hampton, one of the pleasantest towns on Long-Island. The people there were unanimous in their desires to have him for their pastor, and for a long time continued in earnest pursuit of him, and were hardly brought to relinquish their endeavors, and give up their hopes of obtaining him. Besides this, he had an invitation to preach with reference to a settlement in Millington, near his native town, and in the midst of his friends. Nor did Brainerd choose the business of a missionary to the Indians, rather than accept of those invitations, because he was unacquainted with the difficulties and sufferings which attended such a service; for he had had experience of these difficultiesin summer and winter; having spent about a year in a lonely desert among these savages, where he had gone through extreme hardships, and been the subject of a train of outward and inward sorrows, which were now fresh in his mind.
After this he continued two or three days in New-Jersey, very ill; and then returned to New-York; and from thence into New-England; and went to his native town of Haddam, where he arrived on Saturday, April 14. And he continues still his bitter complaints of want of retirement. While he was in New-York, he says thus, “O it is not the pleasures of the world which can comfort me! IfGoddeny his presence, what are the pleasures of thecityto me? One hour of sweet retirement whereGod is, is better than the whole world.”
April 17.—“In the evening, at my brother’s, singing hymns with friends, my soul seemed to melt; and in prayer afterward, enjoyed the exercise offaith, and was enabled to be fervent in spirit: found more of God’s presence than I have done any time in my late wearisome journey. Eternity appeared very near; my nature was very weak, and seemed ready to be dissolved; the sun declining, and the shadows of the evening drawing on apace. O I longed to fill up the remaining moments all for God! Though my body was so feeble, and wearied with preaching and much private conversation, yet I wanted to sit up all night to do something for God. To God, the giver of these refreshments, be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
April 18.—“Was very weak, and enjoyed but little spiritual comfort. Was exercised with one who cavilled against original sin. May the Lord open his eyes to see the fountain of sin in himself!”
After this he visited several ministers in Connecticut;and then travelled towards Kaunaumeek, and came to Mr. Sergeant’s, at Stockbridge, Thursday, April 26, having performed the journey in a very weak state of body.
April 27and28.—“Spent some time in visiting friends, and discoursing with my people, (who were now moved down from their own place to Mr. Sergeant’s) and found them very glad to see me returned. Was exercised in my mind with a sense of my own unworthiness.
Lord’s day, April 29.—“Preached for Mr. Sergeant both parts of the day, from Rev. 14:4. Enjoyed some freedom in preaching, though not much spirituality. In the evening, my heart was in some measure lifted up in thankfulness to God for any assistance.
April 30.—“Rode to Kaunaumeek, but was extremely ill; did not enjoy the comfort I hoped for in my own house.
May 1.—“Having received new orders to go to a number of Indians on Delaware river, in Pennsylvania, and my people here being mostly removed to Mr. Sergeant’s, I this day took all my clothes, books, &c. and disposed of them, and set out for Delaware river; but made it my way to return to Mr. Sergeant’s, which I did this day, just at night. Rode several hours in the rain through the howling wilderness, although I was so disordered in body, that little or nothing but blood came from me.
May 8.—“Travelled about forty-five miles to a place calledFishkill; and lodged there. Spent much of my time, while riding, in prayer that God would go with me to the Delaware. My heart sometimes was ready to sink with the thoughts of my work, and going alonein the wilderness, I knew not where; but still it was comfortable to think that others of God’s children had ‘wandered about in dens and caves of the earth;’ and Abraham, when he was called to go forth, ‘went out not knowing whither he went.’ O that I might follow after God!”
The next day he went forward on his journey; crossed the Hudson, and went to Goshen in the Highlands; and so traveled across the woods, from the Hudson to the Delaware, about a hundred miles, through a desolate and hideous country, above New-Jersey, where were very few settlements; in which journey he suffered much fatigue and hardship. He visited some Indians in the way, at a place calledMiunissinks, and discoursed with them concerning Christianity. Was considerably melancholy and disconsolate, being alone in a strange wilderness. On Saturday, May 12, he came to a settlement of Irish and Dutch people, and proceeding about twelve miles further arrived atSakhauwotung, an Indian settlement within the Forks of the Delaware.
Lord’s day, May 13.—“Rose early; felt very poorly after my long journey, and after being wet and fatigued. Was very melancholy; have scarcely ever seen such a gloomy morning in my life; there appeared to be noSabbath; the children were all at play; I, a stranger in the wilderness, and knew not where to go; and all circumstances seemed to conspire to render my affairs dark and discouraging. Was disappointed respecting anInterpreter, and heard that the Indians were much scattered. O, I mourned after the presence of God, and seemed like a creature banished from his sight! yet he was pleased to support my sinking soul amidst all my sorrows; so that I never entertainedany thought of quitting my business among the poor Indians; but was comforted to think that death would ere long set me free from these distresses. Rode about three or four miles to the Irish people, where I found some that appeared sober and concerned about religion. My heart then began to be a little encouraged: went and preached first to the Irish and then to the Indians; and in the evening was a little comforted: my soul seemed to rest on God, and take courage.
Lord’s day, May 20.—“Preached twice to the poor Indians; and enjoyed some freedom in speaking, while I attempted to remove their prejudices against Christianity. My soul longed continually for assistance from above; for I saw I had no strength sufficient for that work. Afterward preached to the Irish people; was much assisted in the first prayer, and somewhat in the sermon. Several persons seemed much concerned for their souls, with whom I discoursed afterward with much freedom and some power. Blessed be God for any assistance afforded to an unworthy worm. O that I could live to him!
Lord’s day, May 27.—“Visited my Indians in the morning, and attended upon a funeral among them; was affected to see their heathenish practices. O that they might be ‘turned from darkness to light!’ Afterward got a considerable number of them together, and preached to them; and observed them very attentive. After this preached to the white people from Heb. 2:3. ‘How shall we escape if we neglect so great salvation?’ Was enabled to speak with some freedom and power: several people seemed much concerned for their souls; especially one who had been educated a Roman Catholic. Blessed be the Lord for any help.
May 28.—“Set out from the Indians above the Forks of the Delaware, on a journey toward Newark, in New-Jersey, according to my orders. Rode through the wilderness; was much fatigued with the heat; lodged at a place called Black River; was exceedingly tired and worn out.
Lord’s day, June 10.—“[At Newark.] In the morning was much concerned how I should perform the work of the day: and trembled at the thoughts of being left to myself. Enjoyed very considerable assistance in all parts of the public service. Had an opportunity again to attend on the ordinance of the Lord’s Supper, and through divine goodness was refreshed in it: my soul was full of love and tenderness toward the children of God, and toward all men. At night I enjoyed more spirituality and sweet desire of holiness, than I have felt for some time: was afraid of every thought and every motion, lest thereby my heart should be drawn away from God. O that I might never leave the blessed God! ‘Lord, in thy presence is fulness of joy.’ O the blessedness of living to God!
June 11.—“This day the Presbytery met at Newark, in order to myordination. Was very weak and disordered in body; yet endeavored to repose my confidence in God. Spent most of the day alone; especially the forenoon. At three in the afternoon preached my probation sermon from Acts, 26:17, 18, being a text given me for that purpose. Felt not well either in body or mind: however, God carried me through comfortably. Afterward passed an examination before the Presbytery. Was much tired, and my mind burdened with the greatness of that charge I was in the most solemn manner about to take upon me: my mind was so pressed with the weight of the work incumbentupon me, that I could not sleep this night, though very weary and in great need of rest.
June 12.—“Was this morning further examined respecting myexperimental acquaintance with Christianity. At 10 o’clock myordinationwas attended; the sermon preached by the Rev. Mr. Pemberton. At this time I was affected with a sense of the important trust committed to me; yet was composed and solemn without distraction; and I hope that then, as many times before, I gave myself up to God, to be forhim, and not foranother. O that I might always be engaged in the service of God, and duly remember the solemn charge I have received in the presence of God, angels, and men. Amen.”