16. Another prayer very common is a certain kind of wounding; [8] for it really seems to the soul as if an arrow were thrust through the heart, or through itself. Thus it causes great suffering, which makes the soul complain; but the suffering is so sweet, that it wishes it never would end. The suffering is not one of sense, neither is the wound physical; it is in the interior of the soul, without any appearance of bodily pain; but as I cannot explain it except by comparing it with other pains, I make use of these clumsy expressions,--for such they are when applied to this suffering. I cannot, however, explain it in any other way. It is, therefore, neither to be written of nor spoken of, because it is impossible for any one to understand it who has not had experience of it,--I mean, how far the pain can go; for the pains of the spirit are very different from those of earth. I gather, therefore, from this, that the souls in hell and purgatory suffer more than we can imagine, by considering these pains of the body.
17. At other times, this wound of love seems to issue from the inmost depth of the soul; great are the effects of it; and when our Lord does not inflict it, there is no help for it, whatever we may do to obtain it; nor can it be avoided when it is His pleasure to inflict it. The effects of it are those longings after God, so quick and so fine that they cannot be described and when the soul sees itself hindered and kept back from entering, as it desires, on the fruition of God, it conceives a great loathing for the body, on which it looks as a thick wall which hinders it from that fruition which it then seems to have entered upon within itself, and unhindered by the body. It then comprehends the great evil that has befallen us through the sin of Adam in robbing us of this liberty. [9]
18. This prayer I had before the raptures and the great impetuosities I have been speaking of. I forgot to say that these great impetuosities scarcely ever leave me, except through a trance or great sweetness in our Lord, whereby He comforts the soul, and gives it courage to live on for His sake.
19. All this that I speak of cannot be the effect of the imagination; and I have some reasons for saying this, but it would be wearisome to enter on them: whether it be good or not is known to our Lord. The effects thereof, and how it profits the soul, pass all comprehension, as it seems to me.
20. I see clearly that the Persons are distinct, as I saw it yesterday when you, my father, were talking to the Father Provincial; only I saw nothing, and heard nothing, as, my father, I have already told you. But there is a strange certainty about it, though the eyes of the soul see nothing; and when the presence is withdrawn, that withdrawal is felt. How it is, I know not; but I do know very well that it is not an imagination, because I cannot reproduce the vision when it is over, even if I were to perish in the effort; but I have tried to do so. So is it with all that I have spoken of here, so far as I can see; for, as I have been in this state for so many years, I have been able to observe, so that I can say so with this confidence. The truth is,--and you, my father, should attend to this,--that, as to the Person who always speaks, I can certainly say which of Them He seems to me to be; of the others I cannot say so much. One of Them I know well has never spoken. I never knew why, nor do I busy myself in asking more of God than He is pleased to give, because in that case, I believe, I should be deluded by Satan, at once; nor will I ask now, because of the fear I am in.
21. I think the First spoke to me at times; but as I do not remember that very well now, nor what it was that He spoke, I will not venture to say so. It is all written,--you, my father, know where,--and more at large than it is here; I know not whether in the same words or not. [10] Though the Persons are distinct in a strange way, the soul knows One only God. I do not remember that our Lord ever seemed to speak to me but in His Human Nature; and--I say it again--I can assure you that this is no imagination.
22. What, my father, you say about the water, I know not; nor have I heard where the earthly paradise is. I have already said that I cannot but listen to what our Lord tells me; I hear it because I cannot help myself; but, as for asking His Majesty to reveal anything to me, that is what I have never done. In that case, I should immediately think I was imagining things, and that I must be in a delusion of Satan. God be praised, I have never been curious about things, and I do not care to know more than I do. [11] What I have learnt, without seeking to learn, as I have just said, has been a great trouble to me, though it has been the means, I believe, which our Lord made use of to save me, seeing that I was so wicked; good people do not need so much to make them serve His Majesty.
23. I remember another way of prayer which I had before the one I mentioned first,--namely, a presence of God, which is not a vision at all. It seems that any one, if he recommends himself to His Majesty, even if he only prays vocally, finds Him; every one, at all times, can do this, if we except seasons of aridity. May He grant I may not by my own fault lose mercies so great, and may He have compassion on me!
1.Inner Fortress, iv. ch. iii.
2. SeeLife, ch. xvii. § 5.
3. CompareLife, ch. xxiv. § 4.
4. SeeLife, ch. xx. § 23.
5."Arrobamiento y arrebatamiento."
6. SeeLife, chs. xx.andxxi.
7.Life, ch. xx. § 16;Inner Fortress, vi. c. xi.
8. SeeLife, ch. xxix. § 17.
9. SeeLife, ch. xvii. § 9.
10. SeeRelation, iii. § 6.
11. SeeSt.John of the Cross,Ascent of Mount Carmel, bk. ii. ch. xxii.
Of Certain Spiritual Graces She Received in Toledo and Avila in the Years 1576 and 1577.
1. I had begun to go to confession to a certain person [1] in the city wherein I am at present staying, when he, though he had much good will towards me, and always has had since he took upon himself the charge of my soul, ceased to come here; and one night, when I was in prayer, and thinking how he failed me, I understood that God kept him from coming because it was expedient for me to treat of the affairs of my soul with a certain person on the spot. [2] I was distressed because I had to form new relations--it might be he would not understand me, and would disturb me--and because I had a great affection for him who did me this charity, though I was always spiritually content when I saw or heard the latter preach; also, I thought it would not do because of his many occupations. Our Lord said to me: "I will cause him to hear and understand thee. Make thyself known unto him; it will be some relief to thee in thy troubles." The latter part was addressed to me, I think, because I was then so worn out by the absence of God. His Majesty also said that He saw very well the trouble I was in; but it could not be otherwise while I lived in this land of exile: all was for my good; and he comforted me greatly. So it has been: he comforts me, and seeks opportunities to do so; he has understood me, and given me great relief; he is a most learned and holy man.
2. One day,--it was the Feast of the Presentation,--I was praying earnestly to God for a certain person, and thinking that after all the possession of property and of freedom was unfitting for that high sanctity which I wished him to attain to; I reflected on his weak health, and on the spiritual health which he communicated to souls; and I heard these words: "He serves Me greatly; but the great thing is to follow Me stripped of everything, as I was on the cross. Tell him to trust in Me." These last words were said because I thought he could not, with his weak health, attain to such perfection.
3. Once, when I was thinking of the pain it was to me to eat meat and do no penance, I understood that there was at times more of self-love in that feeling than of a desire for penance.
4. Once, when I was in great distress because of my offences against God, He said to me: "All thy sins in My sight are as if they were not. For the future, be strong; for thy troubles are not over."
5. One day, in prayer, I felt my soul in God in such a way that it seemed to me as if the world did not exist, I was so absorbed in Him. He made me then understand that verse of theMagnificat,"Et exultavit spiritus meus,"so that I can never forget it.
6. Once, when I was thinking how people sought to destroy this monastery of the Barefooted Carmelites, and that they purposed, perhaps, to bring about the destruction of them all by degrees, I heard: "They do purpose it; nevertheless, they will never see it done, but very much the reverse."
7. Once, in deep recollection, I was praying to God for Eliseus; [3] I heard this: "He is My true son; I will never fail him," or to that effect; but I am not sure of the latter words.
8. Having one day conversed with a person who had given up much for God, and calling to mind that I had given up nothing for Him, and had never served Him in anything, as I was bound to do, and then considering the many graces He had wrought in my soul, I began to be exceedingly weary; and our Lord said to me: "Thou knowest of the betrothal between thee and Myself, and therefore all I have is thine; and so I give thee all the labours and sorrows I endured, and thou canst therefore ask of My Father as if they were thine." Though I have heard that we are partakers therein, [4] now it was in a way so different that it seemed as if I had become possessed of a great principality; for the affection with which He wrought this grace cannot be described. The Father seemed to ratify the gift; and from that time forth I look at our Lord's Passion in a very different light, as on something that belongs to me; and that gives me great comfort. [5]
9. On the Feast of the Magdalene, when thinking of the great love I am bound to have for our Lord, according to the words He spoke to, me in reference to this Saint, and having great desires to imitate her, our Lord was very gracious unto me, and said, I was to be henceforward strong; for I had to serve Him more than I had hitherto done. [6] He filled me with a desire not to die so soon, that I might have the time to occupy myself therein; and I remained with a great resolution to suffer.
10. On one occasion, I understood how our Lord was in all things, and how He was in the soul; and the illustration of a sponge filled with water was suggested to me.
11. When my brothers came,--and I owe so much to one of them, [7]--I remained in conversation with him concerning his soul and his affairs, which wearied and distressed me; and as I was offering this up to our Lord, and thinking that I did it all because I was under obligations to him, I remembered that by our Constitutions [8] we are commanded to separate ourselves from our kindred, and I was set thinking whether I was under any obligation, our Lord said to me: "No, My daughter; the regulations of the Order must be only in conformity with My law." The truth is, that the end of the Constitutions is, that we are not to be attached to our kindred; and to converse with them, as it seems to me, is rather wearisome, and it is painful to have anything to do with them.
12. After Communion, onSt.Augustine's Day, I understood, and, as it were, saw,--I cannot tell how, unless it was by an intellectual vision which passed rapidly away,--how the Three Persons of the most Holy Trinity, whom I have always imprinted in my soul, are One. This was revealed in a representation so strange, and in a light so clear, that the impression made upon me was very different from that which I have by faith. From that time forth I have never been able to think of One of the Three Divine Persons without thinking of the Three; so that to-day, when I was considering how, the Three being One, the Son alone took our flesh upon Him, our Lord showed me how, though They are One, They are also distinct. These are marvels which make the soul desire anew to be rid of the hindrances which the body interposes between it and the fruition of them. Though this passes away in a moment, there remains a gain to the soul incomparably greater than any it might have made by meditation during many years; and all without knowing how it happens.
13. I have a special joy on the Feast of our Lady's Nativity. When this day was come, I thought it would be well to renew our vows; and thereupon I saw our Lady, by an illuminative vision; and it seemed as if we made them before her and that they were pleasing unto her. I had this vision constantly for some days, and our Lady was by me on my left hand. One day, after Communion, it seemed to me that my soul was really one with the most Holy Body of our Lord, then present before me; and that wrought a great work and blessing in me.
14. I was once thinking whether I was to be sent to reform a certain monastery; [9] and, distressed at it, I heard: "What art thou afraid of? What canst thou lose?--only thy life, which thou hast so often offered to Me. I will help thee." This was in prayer, which was of such a nature as to ease my soul exceedingly.
15. Once, having a desire to render some service to our Lord, I considered that I could serve Him but poorly, and said to myself: "Why, O Lord, dost Thou desire my works?" And He answered: "To see thy good will, My child."
16. Once our Lord gave me light in a matter that I was very glad to understand, and I immediately forgot it, so that I was never able to call it again to mind; and so, when I was trying to remember it, I heard: "Thou knowest now that I speak to thee from time to time. Do not omit to write down what I say; for, though it may not profit thee, it may be that it will profit others." As I was thinking whether I, for my sins, had to be of use to others, and be lost myself, He said to me: "Have no fear."
17. I was once recollected in that companionship which I ever have in my soul, and it seemed to me that God was present therein in such a way that I remembered howSt.Peter said: "Thou art Christ, the Son of the living God;" [10] for the living God was in my soul. This is not like other visions, for it overpowers faith; so that it is impossible to doubt of the indwelling of the Trinity in our souls, by presence, power, and essence. To know this truth is of the very highest gain; and as I stood amazed to see His Majesty in a thing so vile as my soul, I heard: "It is not vile, My child, for it is made in My image." [11] I also learnt something of the reason why God delights in souls more than in any other creatures: it is so subtile that, though the understanding quickly comprehended it, I cannot tell it.
18. When I was in such distress, because of the troubles of our father, [12] that I had no rest, and after Communion one day was making most earnestly my petition to our Lord that, as He had given him to me, I might not lose him, He said to me: "Have no fear."
19. Once, with that presence of the Three Persons which I have in my soul, I was in light so clear that no doubt of the presence of the true and living God was possible; and I then came to the knowledge of things which afterwards I could not speak of. One of these things was, how the person of the Son only took human flesh. I cannot, as I have just said, explain it at all; for some of these things were wrought in the secret recesses of the soul, and the understanding seems to grasp them only as one who is in his sleep, or half awake, thinks he comprehends what is told him. I was thinking how hard it was to remain alive, seeing that it was living on that robbed us of that marvellous companionship; and so I said to myself: "O Lord, show me some way whereby I may bear this life!" He said unto me: "Think, my child, when life is over, thou canst not serve Me as thou art serving Me now, and eat for Me, and sleep for Me. Whatsoever thou doest, let it be done for Me as if thou wert no longer living, but I; for that is whatSt.Paul said." [13]
20. Once, after Communion, I saw how His Father within our soul accepts the most Holy Body of Christ. I have understood and seen how the Divine Persons are there, and how pleasing is this offering of His Son, because He has His joy and delight in Him, so to speak, here on earth; for it is not the Humanity only that is with us in our, souls, but the Divinity as well, and thus is it so pleasing and acceptable unto Him, and gives us graces so great. I understood also that He accepts the sacrifice, though the priest be in sin; but then the grace of it is not communicated to his soul as it is to their souls who are in a state of grace: not that the inflowings of grace, which proceed from this Communion wherein the Father accepts the sacrifice, cease to flow in their strength, but because of his fault who has to receive them; as it is not the fault of the sun that it does not illumine a lump of pitch, when its rays strike it as it illumines a globe of crystal. If I could now describe it, I should be better understood; it is a great matter to know this, because there are grand secrets within us when we are at Communion. It is sad that these bodies of ours do not allow us to have the fruition thereof.
21. During the Octave of All Saints, [14] I had two or three days of exceeding anguish, the result of my remembrance of my great sins, and I was also in great dread of persecutions, which had no foundation except that great accusations were brought against me, and all my resolutions to suffer anything for God failed me: though I sought to encourage myself, and made corresponding acts, and saw that all would be a great pain for me, it was to little purpose, for the fear never left me. It was a sharp warfare. I came across a letter, in which my good father [15] had written thatSt.Paul said that our God does not suffer us to be tempted beyond our power to bear. [16] This was a very great relief to me, but was not enough; yea, rather, on the next day I was in great distress at his absence, for I had no one to go to in this trouble, for I seemed to be living in great loneliness. And it added to my grief to see that I now find no one but he who can comfort me, and he must be more than ever away, which is a very sore trouble.
22. The next night after this, reading in a book, I found another saying ofSt.Paul, with which I began to be comforted; and being slightly recollected, I remained thinking how I had our Lord before present within me, so that I truly saw Him to be the living God. While thinking on this He spoke to me, and I saw Him in my inmost being, as it were beside my heart, in an intellectual vision; His words were: "I am here, only I will have thee see how little thou canst do without Me." I was on the instant reassured, and my fears left me; and while at Matins that very night our Lord Himself, in an intellectual vision so clear as to seem almost imaginary, laid Himself in my arms, as He is painted in the pictures of our Lady of Anguish. [17] The vision made me very much afraid, for it was so clear, and so close to me, that it made me think whether it was an illusion or not. He said to me, "Be not afraid of it, for the union of My Father with thy soul is incomparably closer than this." The vision has remained with me till now. What I have said of our Lord continued more than a month: now it has left me.
23. I was one night in great distress, because it was then a long time since I had heard anything of my father; [18] and, moreover, he was not well the last time he wrote to me. However, my distress was not so great as that I felt before, for I had hopes, and distress like that I never was in since; but still my anxiety hindered my prayer. He appeared to me on the instant; it could not have been the effect of imagination, for I saw a light within me, and himself coming by the way joyous, with a face all fair. It must have been the light I saw that made his face fair, for all the saints in heaven seem so; and I considered whether it be the light and splendour proceeding from our Lord that render them thus fair. I heard this: "Tell him to begin at once without fear, for the victory is his."
24. One day, after he came, when I was at night giving thanks to our Lord for the many mercies He had given unto me, He said to me: "O my child, what canst thou ask that I have not done?"
25. Our Lord said to me one day, in the monastery of Veas, that I was to present my petition to Him, for I was His bride. He promised to grant whatever I might ask of Him, and, as a pledge, gave me a very beautiful ring, with a stone set in it like an amethyst, but of a brilliancy very unlike, which He put on my finger. I write this to my own confusion, considering the goodness of God, and my wretched life; for I have deserved hell. Ah! my daughters, pray to God for me, and be devout toSt.Joseph, who can do much. This folly I write . . . folly I write. . . .
26. On the eve ofSt.Laurence, at Communion, I was so distracted and dissipated in mind, that I had no power over it, and began to envy those who dwell in desert places; thinking that, as they see and hear nothing, they are exempt from distractions. I heard this: "Thou art greatly deceived, My daughter; on the contrary, the temptations of Satan are more violent there. Have patience while life lasts, it cannot be helped." While dwelling on this, I became suddenly recollected, and I saw a great light within me, so that I thought I was in another world, and my spirit found itself interiorly in a forest and in a garden of delights, which made me remember those words of the Canticle: [19]"Veniat dilectus meus in hortum suum."I saw my Eliseus [20] there, not at all swarthy, but in strange beauty: around his head was a garland of precious stones; a multitude of damsels went before him with palms in their hands, all singing hymns of praise unto God. I did nothing but open my eyes, to see whether I could not distract myself from the vision, but that failed to divert my attention; and I thought there was music also,--the singing of birds and of angels,--which filled my soul with joy, though I did not hear any. My soul was in joy, and did not consider that there was nobody else there. I heard these words: "He has merited to be among you, and all this rejoicing which thou beholdest will take place on the day he shall set aside for the honour of My Mother; [21] and do thou make haste, if thou wouldst reach the place where he is." This vision lasted more than an hour and a half. In this respect--differently from my other visions--I could not turn away from it, and it filled me with delight. The effect of the vision was a great affection for Eliseus, and a more frequent thinking of him in that beauty. I have had a fear of its being a temptation, for work of the imagination it could not possibly be. [22]
27. The day after the presentation of the Brief, [23] as I was in the most eager expectation, which utterly disturbed me, so that I could not even pray,--for I had been told that our father was in great straits because they would not let him come away, and that there was a great tumult,--I heard these words: "O woman of little faith, be quiet; everything is going on perfectly well." It was the Feast of the Presentation of our Lady, in the year 1575. I resolved within myself, if our Lady obtained from her Son that we might see ourselves and our father free of these friars, to ask him to order the solemn celebration of that feast every year in our monasteries of the Barefooted Carmelites. When I made this resolution, I did not remember what I had heard in a former vision, that he would establish this solemnity. Now, in reading again this little paper, I think this must be the feast referred to. [24]
1. F. Yepes, then prior ofSt.Jerome's, Toledo (De la Fuente).
2. Don Alonzo Velasquez, canon of Toledo, to whomRelation xi.is addressed. The Saint speaks of this in a letter to Fra Gratian in 1576. The letter is numbered 82 in the edition of Don Vicente, and 23 in the fourth volume of the edition of Doblado.
3. Fra Jerome Gratian (De la Fuente).
4. 1St.Peter iv. 13:"Communicantes Christi passionibus, gaudete."
5. This took place in 1575, when she was going to found her monastery in Seville (Ribera, l. iv. c. v. n. 110).
6. See§ 4, above.
7. This was in 1575, when the Saint was founding the monastery of Seville; and the brother was Don Lorenzo, returned from the Indies, and who now placed himself under the direction of his sister (De la Fuente).
8. In the Chapter"De la Clausura,"§ 16:"De tratar con deudos se desvien lo mas que pudieren."
9. The monastery of Paterna, of the unreformed Carmelites. This was in 1576 (De la Fuente).
10.St.Matt. xvi. 16:"Tu es Christus, Filius Dei vivi."
11. Gen. i. 26:"Ad imaginem et similitudinem Nostram."
12. Fra Jerome Gratian. This took place during the persecution that fell on the reformed Carmelites at the end of the year 1575, and during the following year. Seethe last paragraph of this Relation(De la Fuente; see, also,Relation vi. § 1).
13. Galat. ii. 20:"Vivo autem, jam non ego: vivit vero in me Christus."
14. A.D. 1577 (De la Fuente).
15. Jerome Gratian (id.).
16. 1 Cor. x. 13:"Fidelis autem Deus est qui non patietur vos tentari supra id quod potestis."
17. Don Vicente says, that here is a proof--if any were wanting--that the Saint wrote this after her sojourn in Seville; because in Avila and in Castile and Aragon the expression is, "our Lady of Dolors;" while in Andalucia it is our Lady of Anguish--"Nuestra Señora de las Angustias."
18. Fra Jerome Gratian.
19. Cant. v. 1.
20. This was the name given to Fra Jerome Gratian, when the Saint was driven, by the persecution raised against her, to distinguish her friends by other designations than those by which they were usually known: this fragment cannot have been written before the year 1578 (De la Fuente).
21. Seethe last section.
22. Don Vicente published§§ 25and26as fragments separately (vol. i. pp. 524-526); but, as they seem to form a part of the series of events spoken of in this Relation, they have been placed here.
23. Fra Jerome Gratian exhibited the brief which made him Visitor-Apostolic to the unreformed Carmelites, who were very angry thereat, and rude in their vexation.
24. See§ 26.
Of a Revelation to the Saint at Avila, 1579, and of Certain Directions Concerning the Government of the Order.
InSt.Joseph of Avila, on Pentecost eve, in the hermitage of Nazareth, thinking of one of the greatest graces our Lord had given me on that day some twenty years before, [1] more or less, my spirit was vehemently stirred and grew hot within me, [2] and I fell into a trance. In that profound recollection I heard our Lord say what I am now going to tell: I was to say to the Barefooted Fathers, as from Him, that they must strive to observe four things; and that so long as they observed them, the Order would increase more and more; and if they neglected them, they should know that they were falling away from their first estate.
The first is, the superiors of the monasteries are to be of one mind.
The second, even if they have many monasteries, to have but few friars in each.
The third, to converse little with people in the world, and that only for the good of their souls.
The fourth, to teach more by works than by words.
This happened in the year 1579; and because it is a great truth, I have put my name to it.
Teresa de Jesús.
1. SeeLife, ch. xxxviii. § 11.
2. Psalm xxxviii. 3:"Concaluit cor meum intra me."
Written from Palencia in May 1581, and Addressed to Don Alonzo Velasquez, Bishop of Osma, Who Had Been, When Canon of Toledo, One of the Saint's Confessors. [1]
Jesus.
1. Oh, that I could clearly explain to your Lordship the peace and quiet my soul has found! for it has so great a certainty of the fruition of God, that it seems to be as if already in possession, [2] though the joy is withheld. I am as one to whom another has granted by deed a large revenue, into the enjoyment and use of which he is to come at a certain time, but until then has nothing but the right already given him to the revenue. In gratitude for this, my soul would abstain from the joy of it, because it has not deserved it; it wishes only to serve Him, even if in great suffering, and at times it thinks it would be very little if, till the end of the world, it had to serve Him who has given it this right; for, in truth, it is in some measure no longer subject, as before, to the miseries of this world; though it suffers more, it seems as if only the habit were struck, for my soul is, as it were, in a fortress with authority, and accordingly does not lose its peace. Still, this confidence does not remove from it its great fear of offending God, nor make it less careful to put away every hindrance to His service, yea, rather, it is more careful than before. But it is so forgetful of its own interests as to seem, in some measure, to have lost itself, so forgetful of self is it in this. Everything is directed to the honour of God, to the doing of His will more and more, and the advancement of His glory.
2. Though this be so, yet, in all that relates to health and the care of the body, it seems to me that I am more careful than I was, that I mortify myself less in my food, and do fewer penances: it is not so with the desires I had; they seem to be greater. All this is done that I may be the better able to serve God in other things, for I offer to Him very often, as a great sacrifice, the care I take of my body, and that wearies me much, and I try it sometimes in acts of mortification; but, after all, this cannot be done without losing health, and I must not neglect what my superiors command. Herein, and in the wish for health, much self-love also must insinuate itself; but, as it seems to me, I feel that it would give me more pleasure, and it gave me more pleasure when I was strong, to do penance, for, at least, I seemed to be doing something, and was giving a good example, and I was free from the vexation which arises out of the fact that I am not serving God at all. Your Lordship will see what it will be best to do in the matter.
3. The imaginary visions have ceased, but the intellectual vision of the Three Persons and of the Sacred Humanity seems ever present, and that, I believe, is a vision of a much higher kind; and I understand now, so I think, that the visions I had came from God, because they prepared my soul for its present state; they were given only because I was so wretched and so weak: God led me by the way which He saw was necessary; but they are, in my opinion, of great worth when they come from God.
4. The interior locutions have not left me, for, whenever it is necessary, our Lord gives me certain directions; and now, in Palencia, were it not for these, there would have been committed a great blunder, though not a sin. [3]
5. The acts and desires do not seem to be so vigorous as they used to be, for, though they are great, I have one much greater to see the will of God accomplished and His glory increased; for as the soul is well aware that His Majesty knoweth what is expedient herein, and is so far removed from all self-seeking, these acts and desires quickly end, and, as it seems to me, have no strength. Hence the fear I have at times though without disquietude and pain as formerly, that my soul is dulled, and that I am doing nothing, because I can do no penance; acts of desire for suffering, for martyrdom, and of the vision of God, have no strength in them, and, most frequently, I cannot make them. I seem to live only for eating and drinking, and avoiding pain in everything; and yet this gives me none, except that sometimes, as I said before, I am afraid that this is a delusion; but I cannot believe it, because so far as I can see, I am not under the sway of any strong attachment to any created thing, not even to all the bliss of heaven, but only to the love of God; and this does not grow less,--on the contrary, I believe it is growing, together with the longing that all men may serve Him.
6. But, for all this, one thing amazes me: I have not the feelings I had formerly, so strong and so interior, which tormented me when I saw souls go to their ruin, and when I used to think I had offended God. I cannot have these feelings now, though I believe my desire that God be not sinned against is not less than it was.
7. Your Lordship must consider that in all this, in my present as well as in my previous state, I can do no more, and that it is not in my power to serve Him better: I might do so, if I were not so wicked. I may say, also, that if I were now to make great efforts to wish to die, I could not, nor can I make the acts I used to make, nor feel the pains I felt for having offended God, nor the great fears I had for so many years whenIthought I was under a delusion: and accordingly, I have no need of learned men, or of speaking to anybody at all, only to satisfy myself that I am going the right road now, and whether I can do anything. I have consulted certain persons on this point, with whom I had taken counsel on the others, with Fra Dominic [i.e., Bañes], the Master Medina, and certain members of the Society. I will be satisfied with the answer which you, my Lord, may give me, because of the great trust I have in your Lordship. Consider it carefully, for the love of God! Neither do I cease to learn that certain souls of people connected with me when they died are in heaven: of others I learn nothing. Oh, in what solitude I find myself when I consider that the comparison of which I spoke to you, concerning the return from Egypt, does not apply to the child at my mother's breast. [4]
8. I am at peace within; and my likings and dislikings have so little power to take from me the Presence of the Three Persons, of which, while it continues, it is so impossible to doubt, that I seem clearly to know by experience what is recorded bySt.John, that God will make His dwelling in the soul: [5] and not only by grace, but because He will have the soul feel that presence, and it brings with it so many blessings, particularly this, that there is no need to run after reflections to learn that God is there. This is almost always the state I am in, except when my great infirmities oppress me. Sometimes, God will have me suffer without any inward comfort; but my will never swerves--not even in its first movements--from the will of God. This resignation to His will is so efficacious, that I desire neither life nor death, except for some moments, when I long to see God; and then the Presence of the Three Persons becomes so distinct as to relieve the pain of the absence, and I wish to live--if such be His good pleasure--to serve Him still longer. And if I might help, by my prayers, to make but one soul love Him more, and praise Him, and that only for a short time, I think that of more importance than to dwell in glory.
The unworthy servant and daughter of your Lordship,Teresa de Jesús.
1. This Relation is usually printed among the letters of the Saint, and Don Vicente did not change the practice, assigning as his reason the Saint's reference in§ 4to certain transactions in which she was engaged. The letter is the 333rd (336th in the second edition), and the 4th of vol. ii., ed. Doblado, and is probably the latest account of the state of her soul, for she died on October 4 in the following year.
2. SeeInner Fortress, vii. ch. ii.
3. This relates to the taking of the hermitage of our Lady de la Calle, in Palencia (De la Fuente). SeeFoundations, ch. xxix.
4."La soledad que me hace pensar no se puede dar aquel sentido à el que mama los pechos de mi madre, la ida de Egito!"This passage, Don Vicente observes, was omitted in all editions prior to his; he does not know what it means; and the translator can give no corresponding English words. [Transcriber's note: The Spanish quoted here was printed in the body of the text,p.479; English rendition supplied fromCorrigenda,p.[viii].]
5.St.John xiv. 23:"Mansionem apud eum faciemus."
Abecedario, Tercer,iv. 8.
Agony in raptures,xx. 15.
Ahumada, de, Antonio,iv. 1.
Ahumada, de, Doña Beatriz, mother ofSt.Teresa, death of,i. 7; seen in heaven by the Saint,xxxviii. 1.
Ahumada, de, Juana, sister of the Saint,xxxiii. 13.
Alcala, monastery founded in,xxxvi. 29, note.
Alcantara. SeeSt.Peter of Alcantara.
Almsgiving of the Saint,i. 6,Rel. ii. 3.
Alvarez, F. Baltasar,xxiv. 6,xxv. 18; mortifies the Saint,xxvi. 4; humility of,xxviii. 20; promise of, to protect the Saint,xxviii. 21; always consoled the Saint,xxix. 5; hesitates about the new foundation,xxxii. 16; commands the Saint to abandon it,xxxiii. 4; orders her to proceed,xxxiii. 13.
Alvarez, F. Rodrigo,Rel. viii.
Amendment of life, the work of prayer,viii. 6-12.
Amusements,vii. 1,Rel. i. 14.
Angels and evil spirits, vision of,xxxi. 11.
Angel, the Saint's vision of the,xxix. 16-18.
Answers to the Saint's prayers,xxxix. 1-7.
Antony,St., of Padua,xxii. 10.
Aranda, de, Don Gonzalo,xxxvi. 18.
Aridity, how it comes on in the second state of prayer,xv. 15.
Art, the, of serving God,xii. 2.
Ascent of the Mount,xxiii. 13.
Assumption, the, vision of,xxxix. 37.
Attachments, evil effects of worldly,xi. 5;xxiii. 5.
Augustin,St., Confessions of,ix. 8; effect of reading them on the Saint,ix. 9; saying of,xiii. 4.
Avila, birthplace ofSt.Teresa, troubled by the new foundation:xxxvi. 14.
Avila,Bl., Juan of,Rel. vii. 9.
Báñes, Fr.Dom.,xxxvi. 15; transmits the Saint's writings to the Inquisition,Rel. vii. 16.
Barrientos. SeeMartin.
Barron, Fra Vicente, confessor of the Saint's father,vii. 26; hears the confession of the Saint,vii. 27,xix. 19.
Beauty of our Lord,xxviii. 2,xxix. 2,xxxvii. 5; unimaginable,xxviii. 7.
Beginners, must toil,xi. 13; and persevere,xi. 15-17; not to be afraid of the cross,xi. 25; must be content,xii. 2; certain temptations of,vii. 16,xiii. 9; must begin humbly,xv. 19.
Bernard,St.,xxii. 10.
Betrothal spiritual, of the Saint,Rel. ix. 8,25.
Bird, the soul likened to a,xviii. 13,xix. 22.
Bishopric, a, the Saint consulted about the acceptance of,xl. 21.
Blessed, the, joys of,x. 3.
Blindness healed through the prayer of the Saint,xxxix. 1.
Body, the, shares the joy of the soul in certain states of prayer,xvii. 14,xviii. 15; state of, in raptures,xx. 2,4,23; our Lord seen by the Saint always in His glorified,xxix. 4.
Book, a living,xxvi. 6.
Books insufficient without a director,xxii. 3.
Borja, de,St.Francis. SeeFrancis.
Brief, the, sanctioning the observances ofSt.Joseph's,xxxiv. 2,xxxvi. 1,xxxix. 20.
Brizeño, Doña Maria,ii. 12; influences the Saint,iii. 1.
Bulls, the Sabbatine,xxxviii. 40.
Cardona, de, Doña Catalina,Rel. iii. 12.
Carmel, the Order of, vision concerning,Rel. iii. 14; advice to,Rel. x.
Caterpillar of self-respect,xxxi. 24.
Catherine,St., of Siena,xxii. 10.
Censoriousness of the world,xxxi. 19.
Cepeda, de, Alfonso Sanchez, father of the Saint, fond of spiritual books,i. 1; gives his daughter Maria in marriage,ii. 4, note,8; places the Saint at school in a monastery,ii. 8; would not consent to her becoming a nun,iii. 9; takes her to Bezadas to be cured,v. 5, 6; brings her to his house in Avila,v. 15; hinders her from making her confession in an illness,v. 17; persuaded by the Saint to practise mental prayer,vii. 16; makes progress therein,vii. 20; holy death of,vii. 22-25; seen in heaven by the Saint,xxxviii. 1.
Cepeda, de, Don Lorenzo, finds money for the new monastery ofSt.Joseph,xxxiii. 13.
Cepeda, de, Maria, sister of the Saint,ii. 4; sudden death of,xxxiv. 24; seen in heaven by the Saint,xxxiv. 25.
Cerda, de la, Doña Luisa,xxxiv. 1; attracted by the Saint,xxxiv. 4; visited bySt.Peter of Alcantara,xxxv. 6; tries to amuse the Saint by showing her diamonds,xxxviii. 5; the Saint's watchfulness over herself in the house of,xxxix. 11.
Cheerfulness, importance of,xii. 1.
Cherubim,xxix. 16.
Choice of a director,xiii. 28, 29.
Church, the, ceremonies of,xxxi. 4; the Saint's reverence for,xxxiii. 6.
Clare,St., encourages the Saint,xxxiii. 15.
Comforts, worldly, the Saint's fear of,xxxiv. 4.
Communion, effects of the Saint's,xvi. 3-10,xviii. 10-18,xxx. 16,xxxviii. 24,Rel. iv. 5,Rel. ix. 13; the Saint's longing for,xxxix. 31; graces of,Rel. ix. 20.
Complaint, loving, of the Saint,xxxvii. 13.
Confession, frequent, of the Saint,v. 17; matter of,Rel. v. 11.
Confessors, the Saint's difficulty in finding,iv. 8,13; harm done by ill-instructed,v. 6,20,vi. 6; one of them misleads the Saint,viii. 15; unskilful,xx. 28; wrong counsel of,xxvi. 5; of the Saint harsh with her,xxx. 15; obedience of the Saint to her,xxiii. 19,xxxiii. 4, 5,Rel, i. 9; the Saint rebuked for her affection to her,xxxvii. 6; names of the Saint's,Rel. vii. 5,11, 12, 13.
Consecration, power of the words of,xxxviii. 30.
Consolations,xi. 21; not to be sought for,xxii. 15.
Contemplation,xxii. 1; why granted to imperfect souls,xxii. 22, 23.
Contempt, Satan shuns,xxxi. 10; the Saint directed to treat her visions with,xxix. 6.
Contradiction of good people,xxviii. 24,xxx. 6.
Conversation, worldly,vii. 10; danger of,ii. 5,vii. 10; delight of our Lord in spiritual,xxxiv. 20.
Conversion of a wicked priest,v. 12; of a sinner,xxxix. 5.
Courage of the Saint,viii. 10; necessity of,x. 8; effects of,xiii. 3; necessary in the way of perfection,xxxi. 19.
Covetousness,xxxiii. 14.
Cowardice, spiritual,xiii. 6.
Creator, the, traces of, in things visible,ix. 6.
Crosses,xi. 8; desired by souls in the prayer of imperfect union,xvi. 9.
Cross, the, way of,xi. 8,xv. 17,21; necessity of carrying,xxvii. 14.
Daza, Gaspar,xxiii. 6; thought the Saint was deluded by an evil spirit,xxiii. 16; approved of the new foundation,xxxii. 21.
Delusion, a, into which the Saint fell,xxii. 3; the Saint always prayed to be delivered from,xxix. 6.
Delusions incidental to locutions,xxv. 3,11.
Desires, good,xiii. 8,xxi. 9,Rel. xi. 5.
Desolation, spiritual, of the Saint,xxx. 10.
Detachment, blessing of,xi. 2,xxxiv. 20; necessity of, for prayer,xi. 16,xv. 17; of the perfect,xv. 18; an effect of raptures,xviii. 8,xx. 10; takes away the fear of death,xxxviii. 7; the Saint's, from kindred,xxxi. 22,Rel. ii. 5,Rel. ix. 11; from directors,Rel. iv. 3.
Detraction, avoided by the Saint,vi. 4,vii. 3; insensibility to,Rel. ii. 4.
Detractors, the Saint prays for her,xix. 11.