"Here comes a queer manWho will not say his prayers,So we take him by his two legsAnd chuck him down the stairs."
"Here comes a queer manWho will not say his prayers,So we take him by his two legsAnd chuck him down the stairs."
And they did, much to honest Pepper's disgust, who rated and accused them well for their trouble. The man himself as he swam ashore affirmed that he would return and serve yet on board of the old ship. He kept his word; was posted to Captain Dogvane's watch, and became very much respected.
As was their custom, the Ojabberaways tried very hard to monopolize the whole of the conversation, with their numerous complaints, and they swore most stoutly that not a stitch of business should the Buccaneer do until they were given their independence and freed from the yoke of the tyrant. When they were told that all was being done for them that could in justice to all interests be done, one of them said, "Indeed a mighty deal too much has been done; but in the wrong direction. We ask for our freedom, and you give us a rope and bid us go hang."
Here some one amongst the crew who apparently had caught a cold, sneezed, this the Ojabberaways took as an additional insult upon their unhappy country, and because the insult could not be withdrawn, they created a great disturbance, to quell which, two or three of them had to be thrown overboard. The ship thus lightened rode all the better, but the cook said it was a sinful waste thus to sacrifice the Ojabberaways, when there was the whole of the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber weighing the old ship down by the stern. The discussion on board now took a lively turn, upon an assertion which the carpenter had previously made about boots and shoes being brisk. Some interested person declared that if the trade was brisk the boots themselves were bad, as could be seen by the Buccaneer's soldiers who were fighting in the East.
All the fat was now put into the fire, and there was a heated argument as to whether the Buccaneer was or was not engaged in warlike operations. There ought to have been no doubt about such a thing, but there was. It was also asserted that the rascally contractor was at his old game of starving both men and animals, or giving them bad food, and so amassing a large fortune and qualifying himself for promotion to the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber.
The Buccaneer turned for information to his trusty Captain Dogvane. "How is this, Master Dogvane?" he asked, "I thought you said my relations abroad were all good."
"Sir," replied the captain, "ever since the old Ship of State was built have there been these differences of opinion, and God forbid that it should be otherwise; it will be an evil day for my master when his watches take so little interest in his affairs as to cease to have wordy battles over them."
"But, Master Dogvane, whom am I to believe?"
"A straightforward question, sir, demands a straightforward reply. Believe in me."
At this there were loud jeers from the other watch, and many voices were heard to say: "Believe in him and he will run you pretty soon into shoal water."
"Aye! aye!" cried Dogvane, "the same old cry. I have been man and boy on board this old craft for many a long year, and these hands have held the helm and so the old ship rides safe and sound. Her bluff old bows riding superior to every storm. Have not gales and hurricanes swept over these decks, and yet she has risen superior to all? Some say the old craft alongside is in shallow water, and yet she seems peaceful and safe enough."
Here Random Jack said the captain was, as usual, drifting from the point.
"Of course, my little man, you must have your say. It was you that first set this ball a-rolling; but hurry no man's cattle is a safe cry. I was merely clearing my decks, as it were, for action."
Upon being pressed, Dogvane was obliged to admit that he was engaged in operations of a warlike nature; but he went into so many subtle distinctions as to the different kinds of warfare that nobody could follow him. He swore that in the footsteps of the other watch followed gratuitous and unprovoked war. "We are not now at war," he cried in great warmth, "though I will not say that we are not engaged in some kind of military operations which, however, though offensive in form are purely defensive in essence." Dogvane being apparently afraid lest he should be called upon for an explanation turned the conversation by appealing to a weak part in his master's nature, namely, his religion.
"Can we ever forget," he said, "the Divine Master we follow? Can we forget the principles of peace he taught us? The operations I am now engaged in are only a part of that terrible inheritance that the other watch left me." This of course brought down a storm upon him from the other watch. "My aim," he continued, "ever has been to maintain a friendly footing with all your neighbours, and by keeping them in union together to neutralize, fetter, and bind up the selfish aims of each."
"And the result of your labours," cried the captain of the Port Watch, "has been to estrange our master from all his friends and to land him in incessant troubles. Have you not bombarded a friend's town?" he added, "have you not massacred his people?"
Dogvane could not altogether deny this, so he said: "It is true that a few forts have been knocked down, but they were better down than up; and a few people have no doubt been killed, but what of that? Accidents will happen in the very best regulated undertakings."
Thus did the argument continue to the utter confusion of the bold Buccaneer who cast his eyes towards the Church Hulk alongside, and he inwardly wished that all was as peaceful and secure as it seemed to be there; but scarcely had the thought crossed his mind than a great hubbub rose up and the sound of controversy became loud. All eyes were turned towards the Church Hulk, and many feared they were about to witness one of those religious disputes which occasionally are so bitter and even disastrous. Some thought it must at least be a mutiny. Considerable relief was felt when it was found upon inquiry that it was nothing more serious than a discussion as to the shape and colour of the vestments in which our Creator was to be worshipped in, and a rival sect nearly came to blows over the form of an ecclesiastical hat. All this seemed strange, because the Church Hulk professed to sail by orders which said: "Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink, nor yet for your body what ye shall put on."
If people squabble amongst themselves it soon becomes known, and it soon began to be noised abroad that the Buccaneer's Church Hulk was in danger, both from jealousy without and the want of Christian charity and brotherly love within. It is certain that some of the crew of the Ship of State had their eyes upon her, and it got rumoured abroad that some fine morning people would wake up to find she had either slipped her moorings or been cut adrift. But has not this rumour ever been a lying rascal and a fit lieutenant for the devil himself?
The Buccaneer paced the deck of his old ship in a thoughtful manner. Suddenly he stopped and addressed his captain. "Dogvane," he said, "I have trusted you; beware lest you deceive me."
"Sir," said the captain, "the man who would deceive so good and great a master would be base indeed."
"Is all this true that the other watch have said about my ships? Am I in the wretched state they say? Where has gone all my money?"
"Master, allow not the idle shafts of the Port Watch to trouble you. They are greedy of office, and to gain their ends, they magnify some things and totally misrepresent others. Believe not what they said about your ships and about your trade. Bloated armaments, sir, are a source of danger; exciting the fear, jealousy, and suspicions of your neighbours; draining your exchequer, and feeding like a foul canker upon the fair flower of your industries. You are no longer a bold Buccaneer, sailing the seas in search of plunder. You are no land stealer. The object of your life is not now to carry fire and sword into your neighbour's country. You are a respectable trader, peaceful and industrious, a Christian, with religious principles to act up to."
"Yes, Master Dogvane; but there are those about, who, if I am not ready to protect my own, will save me the trouble."
"Sir, it is not right to have so base an opinion of the world; but your armaments are fully equal to all your needs."
"In this, Master Dogvane, I must perforce believe you. But how about that rascal Bruin? He has committed depredations in the past. He is a grasping fellow too, and I have my suspicions that there may be some truth in what I hear. He may be casting sheep's eyes at my fair Indian Princess."
"So long as they are only sheep's eyes, sir, where is the harm? The lamb which is the forerunner of the sheep is the emblem of peace. Suspicion, my master, is the attribute of either a base or weak mind, and is unworthy of you. The Eastern Bandit I have always found a pious and truthful man; only requiring to be known to be appreciated. Honest too, as times go; but awkward when vexed."
We must leave the Buccaneer in the hands of his skilful captain and take a turn ashore. The Port Watch having collected crowds of idlers addressed them on the general depressed state of affairs, and they found ready listeners. No one considers himself so well off but that he wants something more. There was a general and continued cry out against the foreign cheap-Jacks. The blackguards who take advantage of every breath of discontent to preach their doctrine of universal plunder had merry times, and their tongues wagged at the street corners, in the parks, and other public places. These fellows had a following, for they held up before the eyes of the poor a picture of plenty, while the criminals saw in them instruments to help them on in their trade. The sound of their many voices surged up like the angry roar of wild beasts in some distant jungle.
But now all eyes were turned towards the old Ship of State, for a sight was to be seen that had not been seen in the memory of living man before. It was nothing more nor less than the portly form of the old Buccaneer struggling with difficulty up the rigging, and behind him came the lithesome form of old Dogvane; both of them were evidently bound for the crow's nest, below which the legs of the look-out man could be seen hanging like the legs of some huge stork.
There was a look of anxiety on the captain's face, as though he feared the consequences of that climb up aloft. It might upset the gravity of so portly an old gentleman as his master had grown to be, and he might look at things with a temper somewhat clouded by anger. Then the look-out man might be found asleep at his post. That some such thoughts occupied old Dogvane's mind was evident, for, making some excuse, he passed his master in the rigging and hurried to the top. The man in the tub was so lost in his own meditations that he did not see the captain enter; but a kick startled him, and he cried, "Look out!" "I am going to," was Dogvane's reply. He then added: "Now, look alive, my hearty, and show me the official slides."
The Buccaneer arrived in the top, puffing and blowing and quite exhausted, for it was a stiff climb for one so stout. He was breathless, and his face was as ruddy as the setting sun. As he sat swabbing himself, as the sailors would say, he heard the murmurs of the crowd down below on shore rising up. "What noise is that?" he asked of the captain.
"That, sir, is the lowing of your many herds," was the reply. Dogvane was a ready man.
Now, when the people on shore had recovered from their first surprise, their tongues began to wag freely.
"At last!" cried one, "the old man is roused; now we shall see what happens."
"Not much, my mate," cried a second, "don't you see old Dogvane is up aloft too." Of course this was either a Port watchman, or one with Port watch sympathies.
"It is a pity," cried a third, "that the old gentleman did not mount aloft before and take a look round for himself; then he would have seen how things were going on. For, drat my buttons if you can believe any of these land lubbers below."
"Ah! it's all very well to talk," said another, "but the old gentleman is not so active as he used to be. Prosperity has made him lazy too, and good living has made him thick in the wind."
"There is life in the old man yet," cried another. And so it went on through the crowd. Several levelled their telescopes at the mast head of the old ship, and there were general regrets at the apparent absence of the Buccaneer's old coxswain, for the people believed in him. There was now what bid fair, at one time, to end in a general free fight between partisans of the two watches, and of course the Ojabberaways were quite ready to join in, for wherever heads were to be broken there they were sure to be; but a peaceful turn was given to the affair by Random Jack jumping upon an empty beer barrel and declaring, as he took off his jacket, that he was ready to meet in single combat, any man double his size of the Starboard Watch, and bid any one who liked to carry his challenge on board, either to the cook or to Billy Cheeks, the burly butcher.
"Listen to the lad!" the people cried and laughed; but no one took up the challenge.
"Well, my mates," cried an old salt, "let us wait and see what comes of it all. For my part I doubt much good, with old Dogvane up there too."
"What can he do, pray, if the old man takes a look for himself?" said another.
"What can he do?" cried Random Jack. "Look here, my hearties; that is a difficult question to answer when old Bill is concerned. For there is little he can't do, and there is not a trick or a dodge that that old fox is not up to. Why, he would get the weather side of the devil himself. Now, listen to me, my lads. Ah! it's all very well for you slavish followers of old Dogvane to put your tongues in your cheeks and flout and jeer, but those laugh in the end who win, and my merriment is yet to come. Now I will tell you what old Dogvane will do. He will make our master look through the wrong end of the telescope, or he will put in coloured lenses, or glasses with pictures painted on them, or he will do something to deceive; and whatever he does his crew will swear it is right, more especially the cook, the carpenter, and the burly butcher; but I have my eyes upon them; and I will smoke them out yet."
People laughed out right at these bold words of the little middy's. Many of the old salts said the boy would grow into no ordinary man, and that if he lived he would achieve great things. This Random Jack fully believed himself; and perseverance as is well known conquers all things. It is only necessary to be constantly dinning into the ears of people our own particular merits, and in time the most obstinate will give in and take you at your own valuation. In no other way can very much of the success we see in the world be accounted for.
If you are an impostor, the course of events may perhaps find you out, but it is hard to overthrow even a humbug when once fully established, and if he is knocked over he is sure to retain some of his followers and believers, who will worship him as a martyr, and he may even finish up by being canonized as a saint.
The look-out place at the mast head of the old Ship of State had many names, and amongst the rest it was called the owl's nest. This bird is sagacious looking; but by some people it is considered stupid, though perhaps rats, and mice, and other like vermin, think he is sharp enough for them. From this point of vantage Dogvane was bidding his master to behold the bright things that lay beneath him. "Look around you," he said, "and your eyes will rest upon a beautiful picture; upon fields of golden corn bending their heads ready for the sickle of the reaper; upon pastures well stocked with flocks and herds and upon a contented and a happy people." Just as the Buccaneer was stooping down to adjust his eye to the telescope, Dogvane very deftly slipped in, as the clever little middy had said he would, a slide beautifully painted with rural scenes, for what he had said existed only in his imagination, for a good deal of the land was lying fallow. The Buccaneer seemed lost in wonder and admiration, and was silent; but Dogvane kept talking all the time. Conjurors always do this to distract the attention of their audience, otherwise their imposition might be found out. "Your eyes rest, sir," the captain said, "upon a peaceful scene; no one would think that all those quiet looking villages, with their churches, stand over the bones of dead pirates." The Buccaneer did not like this allusion to his past life so he said:
"Master Dogvane! there are but few men that have not had their early indiscretions. Even the very best of us in looking back wish some things undone. Many a saint has commenced life as a sinner; then let the dead past be buried, and often the greater the sinner the greater the saint. The first public act of Moses was a murder."
Dogvane took advantage of this diversion to slip in another slide. "Behold!" he cried, "your happy villages, with their churches, nestling in amongst the trees. Behold your towns and cities, the monuments of your industry and intelligence! See the tall tapering chimneys rising far into the murky sky. Look down, my master; look down at your rivers thickly studded with innumerable ships." Dogvane said not a word about the nationality of those ships. He did not tell his master that they belonged, a good many of them, to the innumerable cheap-Jacks that infested the shores.
"Dogvane!" cried the Buccaneer, as he wiped the small glass of his telescope, "I see chimneys enough; but I see no smoke coming from them. They seem to me to be mute monuments raised to a dead industry." The artist had quite forgotten to put the smoke in. Perhaps he painted from nature—some artists do. Dogvane was quite equal to the occasion, "We compel all your subjects, sir, to consume their own smoke."
This of course was not the case, if it had been, the Buccaneer's people would not have had to live at times in a gloom that made mid-day scarcely distinguishable from midnight.
Do I accuse a high official; a man whose character was as that of the wife of Cæsar, of not adhering to the truth?
Heaven forbid, that we should be so profane. But even truth at times must be suppressed, and though this may be considered by the straight-laced and sickly minded to be lying by implication, it is not so. It is done in the very best and most pious society; and in a high state of civilization it is absolutely necessary; because truth hurts the feelings of the refined.
The tinkling of many bells rose up on the air, and hovered for a while over the crow's nest. "What sound is that?" asked the Buccaneer. "The bell wethers, sir, ringing out their glad tidings of large and multiplying flocks." It was nothing of the sort. It was the muffin man going his constant and monotonous rounds.
"Listen, sir!" exclaimed Dogvane in high glee, "to the merry, but perfectly unintelligible cry of your happy costermongers. From dewy morn till dewy eve they vend their wares."
"If their cry, Master Dogvane, is unintelligible, why allow them to disturb the quiet of my people?"
"For all that I do, sir, there is a goodly reason. One of the favourite cries of our enemies is that we are revolutionists, up-setters, and destroyers of cherished customs. We refute this base slander by pointing to your costermongers. Here is a time-honoured institution that we have left untouched, and if the merry voice of the costermonger is to be silenced the guilt shall be on the head of the Port Watch, for old Bill Dogvane will have nothing to do with it." After this burst of impassioned eloquence the captain of the Starboard Watch wiped a glistening tear from his eye, took a little time to get his breath and then continued: "Look at your sanitary arrangements! In a matter of drains you have not an equal."
"All this is very well, Master Dogvane, and at home things may be sound enough; but how about my neighbours?"
"Your neighbours, sir? oh! I am credibly informed that in a matter of drains they are not good. I believe they have none; or if they have, I have no official information on the subject."
"Confound their drains, man! How do I stand with them?" Saying this, the Buccaneer turned his glass to distant parts. Dogvane tried very hard to distract the attention of his master, so that he could turn the telescope round until the small end might be where the big end ought to be; but he had no opportunity; neither had he any foreign slides. This was an oversight, and Dogvane was disconcerted. He tried to persuade his master by all manner of devices, not to trouble himself about other people's affairs. Told him that he was looked upon with jealousy, as all great and good men are; but that he ought to be too wise to mind what people said.
This rather flattered the Buccaneer's vanity. So long as he was feared and respected that was all he cared for. This was not right from a Christian point of view; but we must not expect too much; for the flesh is at all times weak, and man has been endowed with certain qualities that will occasionally assert themselves. Was not the Hulk alongside the old Ship of State, the custodian of all Christian principles? Would you find charity and humility reigning supreme there? Good people all, beneath the priestly frock there sometimes beats a hard and unforgiving heart. Saint Chrysostom was a godly but outspoken man; one of strong convictions. He expressed an opinion that in his day the number of bishops who might be saved bore a very small proportion to those who would be damned. We live in better times, and the balance now would be no doubt against the devil. At least let us be charitable, and hope so.
The Buccaneer kept his gaze fixed upon the East, and Dogvane was not experiencing an ecstasy of delight. Presently his master cried, "Eh! what is that I see?" Dogvane seized the glass and placed his eye to the hole, "It is nothing, sir, but a dust storm. Such things are of frequent occurrence in the East, and very trying and disagreeable they are to those who have to live there. This is no doubt what that youngster, Random Jack, made such a fuss about."
"But who is kicking up the dust?" the Buccaneer demanded. Dogvane ran through a number of common and ordinary causes for such things, which however did not seem to satisfy his master, who said to the captain's surprise, "Dust storm, or no dust storm, Master Dogvane, I am going to take a look there myself. There is no knowing but what the Bandit of the East may be behind that cloud."
"Ah! the old scare!" muttered Dogvane. "Down on deck and pipe my yacht's crew away!" cried the Buccaneer as he prepared to descend. Dogvane was for making a thousand excuses, the manufacturing of which was to him a matter of the greatest ease. But it was of no use, and so down he went to comply with his master's bidding. He was still more horrified when he learnt that it was his master's intention to make a few calls on his neighbours on his way to the East.
"What do you want to leave home for now, sir, when all your people are so happy and comfortable?" Dogvane asked as he went down through the lubbers' hole.
"And what better time, pray, could I choose?"
"But your neighbours may not like to be taken thus unceremoniously?" Dogvane said as he began to descend.
"A friend, Master Dogvane, is always welcome, and by our reception we shall see in what estimation we are held."
"But, sir," cried Dogvane, looking up from the rigging.
"But me, no buts, Master Dogvane, but do as you are told; so down you go."
Dogvane seemed to have lost somewhat of his alacrity, for he took a terrible long time in reaching the deck, and kept up a running accompaniment to his thoughts, which, however, was not loud enough to be heard, and therefore cannot be recorded; though it is safe enough to assume that so good a man made use of no bad language. Something evidently troubled the old captain's mind, for when the two of them reached the deck, he said, "Master, you must not listen to everything you hear against the great Bandit of the East. People are not all honey behind your back. In the past you have ever been too ready to draw the sword, following the example of those who fight first, and argue afterwards."
"Because, Master Dogvane, experience has taught me that if you thrash your enemy first he is the more amenable to reason."
"That, honoured sir, was all very well in an uncivilized and barbarous age. When the mind was not open to reason, and when the manners had not been softened by Christianity, then the sword was, no doubt, a good major premise; but now, sir, it should never be drawn except through dire necessity. In a just and good cause I am ready to shed my last drop of blood for you."
"Nobly said, Dogvane! nobly said!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, as he slapped old Dogvane in an approving manner on the back, thereby nearly knocking all the wind out of his body.
"But, mind you, master," Dogvane said, "I must be assured that the cause is just. An appeal to arms should only take place when the noble art of diplomacy has failed. Then, sir, by all manner of means draw the sword."
"Master Dogvane; tell me what is Diplomacy?" asked the Buccaneer.
"Diplomacy, sir, is the polished and courteous method that one nation has of conducting business with another."
"To my mind, Master Dogvane, it is the polished method by which one nation tries very often to overreach another. Strip it of its courtly paraphernalia and you often find this Diplomacy to be a lying, intriguing, cheating, and unprincipled rascal, that every honest man ought to shun. Look you! it has been said that by this self-same Diplomacy I have lost a good deal of what I have won in fair and open fight."
Dogvane sighed over his master's want of enlightenment. But he knew too well that in his present mood he was not to be reasoned with, so what could a poor sailor do? What cannot be cured must be endured. Dogvane felt assured that everything was to be put down to the fallacious teachings of the Port Watch, and had he not been the pious man that he was he would undoubtedly have damned all their knavish tricks, if nothing else.
The cook, the butcher, and the carpenter, could see that something was amiss by the troubled look upon their captain's face, so they were not at all surprised to hear the bo'sn's whistle pipe the crew of the bold Buccaneer's royal yacht away; to be one of the crew of which was esteemed a great distinction, as it was a sure road to preferment. The cook only hoped the old man, meaning the Buccaneer, was not going to make a fool of himself; but he had his doubts, of course. Had the sagacious and learned Pepper been one of the party to give his master the benefit of his advice it would have been a different matter altogether.
But where is the old cox'sn all this time. Is the Buccaneer going to make his round of calls without his right-hand man?
Good people all, the cox'sn was on shore moving about amongst the people, doing good after his humble fashion, wherever he could. He did not always accompany his master, more is the pity; but the truth must be told. He could not at all times get on with Captain Dogvane, and old Jack Commonsense was not much of a traveller.
Just as the Buccaneer was about to start upon his round of calls, the snowy white sails of a large ship were to be seen gliding, as it seemed, over the fields that hemmed in his principal river; the hull of the stranger being hidden by a bend. From her mast-head flew a star-spangled banner, and the well-known strains of Yankee Doodle came floating up on the southerly breeze. "Ah!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, "Here comes Jonathan, our cheap-Jack cousin: been home to refit and reload I suppose." Presently a long black hull with a good sheer forward came, as it were, out of the low lying land below the city.
In days long gone by, such a suspicious looking craft would have made the bold Buccaneer beat to quarters, when out would have gone his guns, but times had greatly changed, and pirates of the open and declared type were not to be seen on Western waters. The black flag with death's head and cross-bones is never boldly run up now to the mast-head as in the good brave days of old. It frightens people. So all robberies both on sea and land are done under more respectable looking flags; and very much more genteelly. No walking the plank, no running up to the yard arm. Now a whole crew are sent to the bottom of the sea at a single shot, and there is an end of them.
The stranger finding a comfortable berth, rounded to, as sailors say. Splash went her anchor, rattle, rattle went her chain. Down came the yards, clewlines and buntlines were well manned, and up went the snowy sails. The nimble seaman scudded up aloft, and rolled up the canvas, and everything was trimmed down, and hauled taught, and his yards squared in proper ship-shape fashion. "Bravo, Jonathan!" cried the Buccaneer. "Nearly as well done as I could have done it myself. True chip of the old block; eh! Dogvane?"
"Yes, sir: and at driving a bargain, or getting the better of a friend, our Jonathan has not an equal."
Presently a boat impelled by lusty arms and hands shot round the stern of the old ship, and brought up alongside, and a tall lanky fellow with a big pack on his back stepped on deck. In an easy tone of familiarity he saluted the old Buccaneer. "Wa'al, old hoss, how are things with you?"
"Pretty well, Jonathan; pretty well," replied the Buccaneer.
"Glad to hear it; heard things wasn't quite O.K. Ever taste O.K. bitters? No! Wa'al, they would just revive a corpse, O.K. bitters would, you bet. Let us deal," he said as he took his pack off, and began laying his merchandise out on the deck. "I say, Boss, could you make it convenient to have this aire stream of yours widened? It puts me more in mind of one of our drains than anything else."
The old Buccaneer was highly indignant at his principal river being spoken of in such a disrespectful manner, and he replied with much dignity: "My river, Master Jonathan, is good enough for me, and if it is too narrow for other people, they can stay away."
"No offence, Boss, no offence. It does look small after our Mississippi, that would be an eye-opener for you, old hoss. But this ain't business. Now, here we have a lozenge that will cure anything, from a cough to a broken leg. Here's a pill fit to physic creation. Honest sailor," he said, addressing Dogvane, "try this pill. It will make your hair stand on end. Take a box for the sake of your family. Each pill is worth a pound, let you have a whole box for one shilling and a penny ha'penny. You have a son, a hopeful boy, give him a pill, if not a pill, try him with this pickle, it will sharpen his understanding and make him a credit to his family. Just you ask who cured Stonewall Jackson?" Dogvane declared he did not want anything; but Jonathan still cried up his wares. "Try this cocktail before going to bed, it will make your teeth curl. Talking about teeth; in teeth I guess we're tall. Now here is a set that one of your ecclesiastical big guns has asked God's blessing on, and they're up a quarter dollar accordingly."
"Jonathan!" the Buccaneer said, "I have long wished to have a little private conversation with you."
"All right, Boss, I thought something was up, chuck it off your chest, whatever it is, it will relieve you."
"I don't think it either neighbourly, or friendly, Jonathan, on your part to harbour people who plot against my life and property."
"What! Have you found out, old hoss, that snakes bite! You've harboured a good deal of vermin in your day, and you can't blame me for doing what you have done yourself. No, Sirree, that cock won't fight. Why, you've given an asylum to the cut-throat rascals of every nation under the sun, and when you could not find room for them, you have sent them over to me."
"I have only given an asylum, Jonathan, to the oppressed."
"That is only one way of looking at it, Boss. Too fine a name for a fellow with a bowie knife up his sleeve, and a six-shooter in his pocket; if he cries 'hands up,' old man, where are you? But this ain't business, honest sailor," here he again addressed Dogvane. "Buy this baby jumper for the missis. It will rock your child to sleep, wake it in the morning, wash it, dress it, slap it and feed it, and all for a few dollars. You have a son? No father of a family should be without this article." Then turning to the Buccaneer he said, "I reckon my gals are leaving your gals standing. They are just taking away all the cream of your men. Now, here's a notion, that may be will mend matters, try a cargo of these patent palpitating bosoms. They are warranted to go; they are as natural as life, and ever so much more convenient, for they can be taken off at night and put on in the morning. They never increase, and not like some cheap kind of article, you never see them under the shoulder, at the back, instead of in their proper places in front; buy a pair on trial."
"Stay, Master Jonathan, let us settle one thing at a time. Is it right for you to let the Ojabberaways hatch their infernal plots against me in your country?"
"Look here, old hoss, the Ojabberaways are blowers; then let them blow. It satisfies the darned skunks, and it don't hurt you. It aint safe in these high pressure times to sit upon your safety-valve. Let 'em blow off."
"I don't mind their blowing off, Jonathan; but I object to the skunks, as you call them, blowing up. As for blowing off; why, my parks and public places, are regular blow-holes, where democrats, demagogues, socialists, and blasphemers may, and do, howl themselves hoarse."
"It don't seem to me, old hoss, that you are altogether boss of your show. You are trying to run your ryal car on a democratic gauge, and you'll either run off the track or you'll bust your biler. But this ain't business, won't you buy? Honest sailor, here's a knife that will lick creation; and here's a watch—I reckon we are pretty big in watches. This child of nature is just leaving the rest of the world standing." Jonathan seeing that he could do no business, said, as he packed up his things: "Trade does seem dull; but I'll just look round shore. This island of yours is so darned small, and your cliffs are so high, that it is dangerous to walk after nightfall. You should just come over to our side of the water; you'd see something like a patch of land, you bet." Jonathan went forward to see if he could do any business amongst the crew. The carpenter wanted to deal with him in nails; then the cook wanted to clear out the Buccaneer's lumber-room; and the packman said that for a duke or two, or a couple of lords he would spring some dollars; for that he had none in his country, and accordingly they were very highly esteemed. He did love a lord. Then he wanted to exchange a dozen brow-beating barristers for one incorruptible judge; but the cook, the carpenter, and Billy Cheeks, the butcher, all said, that of brow-beating barristers, their old man had enough and to spare, and they could not part with any of their judges. As the cheap-Jack went over the ship's side, he said he had, he feared, mistaken the latitude and longitude, for he thought by the way things were going, he must be in the neighbourhood of Jerusalem. When he got ashore he had still greater reason for thinking this, for the Hebrew element was so strong that he declared there was little chance of an honest man getting a living. Many of the Jews tried to modernize their names, but do what they would, they could not change their natures.
Just as Jonathan, the packman, was stepping into his boat, the cook looked through one of the port-holes and asked him if he had any need for the Buccaneer's lion. Jonathan said he thought the animal was not sound, but the cook declared that he was; only a little out of wind, having done a good deal of roaring in his day. Jonathan offered in exchange a skunk, which he declared was a most useful and valuable animal, respected alike by friends and enemies; but they could not deal.
Soon the voice of the cheap-Jack was heard mingling with the others on shore. The Ojabberaways, though they bought little, and sold still less, received a good many of Jonathan's almighty dollars, and as long as they lasted they were likely enough to love him and be friends.
The clack, clack of a windlass was heard one fine morning sounding over the waters of the river that hurried by the Buccaneer's chief city. Alas! the merry songs of his seamen, as they hove in the slack of their chains was no longer to be heard. Their cheering "Yo, heave ho!" was but a faint memory of the past. No cloud of sails was spread to catch the breath of the north wind; but the vessel moved stealthily down the river, leaving behind her a muddy wake and above a long winding black serpent of smoke.
Great changes had come over this old Buccaneer. Neither he, nor his ships were anything like what they were in the good old past. The past that we are always looking back to with such loving and longing eyes. Those huge wooden castles that had borne his flag to so many victories had been towed long ago to their last moorings. But ah! things change, and mountains even, if not moved by faith, are constantly being altered by that persistent worker, time. People looked back with regret to those grand old wooden walls, with their tier upon tier of guns; but it was all in vain. Science had condemned them. Amidst all the change that was constantly going on, there was one thing on board of the old Ship of State that bound the Buccaneer to the past. She was still impelled by wind, and consequently was not a rapid sailer. The Church Hulk alongside her, was also propelled in a similar manner, but considering the gales of wind that sometimes swept her decks she was a slow mover.
Away went the Buccaneer in his steam yacht, old Dogvane, of course, being at the helm. The cox'sn, however, for reasons already mentioned, was left behind. The captain's face did not wear an expression of happiness, but then he was one of those who take their pleasures seriously, and sometimes even in a melancholy manner; and often when he looked his saddest he was enjoying himself most. To judge from appearances, people might be pardoned if they thought that he and his master were bent upon some mournful errand, such as the burying of some dear departed friend.
But to return to the wonder-stricken people who lined the shore. Many were the questions asked and many were the answers given. Though our brave old Buccaneer hated anything secret, more especially in other people, yet he himself conducted all his public affairs by a secret council; being driven to do so, perhaps, by necessity. Then the reason for this sudden and somewhat mysterious departure was left open to all kinds of conjecture, some saying one thing, some another.
"What is in the wind now?" asked one. "Is the old man steering for peace or for war?"
"Ah!" cried another, "perhaps his spirit is at last aroused. Heaven only knows he has slept long enough!"
"The barking of curs, my lads," said a third, "does not disturb the slumber or the dignity of a bull-dog. Fighting, mates, it may be; for those who won't fight will fall."
The young hands looked hopeful and the hot blood mounted to their cheeks, for they had heard and read of fights by sea and land, and of the doughty deeds done by their forefathers, and they longed, too, for the fray. There was life in these young sea whelps yet. It was said that the wanton, Luxury, had touched them gently with the velvet tips of her fingers, but so far she had not taken away their manhood and put them to lie on downy beds scented with the perfume of flowers. No, no, she had not gone as far as that, and though the Buccaneer's women, some of them, had become masculine, his men had not surrendered up their position to them just yet.
The young expressed their hopes, the old men shook their heads. The Ojabberaways were wild with delight, and hoped that their tyrant master, as they called him, would get so embroiled that they might have a chance of shaking themselves free. Then, as many thought, there would be merry times indeed for those who lived in the green and fertile isle of the West.
The Ojabberaways now behaved themselves in a manner so peculiarly their own, that there was every prospect of a free fight. The leaders, or paid patriots as they were called, took up a strong position, behind whatever natural objects presented themselves, and from these points of vantage they commenced pelting their opponents with strong personal abuse. Of this they always kept a large supply ready on hand. Wise counsels prevailed, and the blood of the young Buccaneers was cooled down, and so a row was avoided and all attention was again directed to the head of the family and his doings. "Mates!" cried one sturdy fellow, "it's not for fighting he has gone with Captain William Dogvane on board. More likely he has gone to beg some person's pardon for some idle words spoken, or may be he's gone to hand over some patch of land that we got in fair and open fight. But let that pass, conscience becomes tender as a man grows old."
Here a square built old sailor with a patch over his left eye, and who was minus an arm and a leg cried out, "Who would spill his blood and stand the chance of being knocked on the head, if he thought that all he got in fair and open fight was to be given back, because a tender conscience pules and whines. Look at me, mates! The glim of one of my skylights is dousted, and is battened down for ever. My timber too I've lost, and have I been lopped of my branches for nothing? All, forsooth, because an old man's conscience pricks. Damme, lads! there's no justice in the like o' that. Do our neighbours give up what they have grabbed? not they; more likely to put the pistol to your head, as in days of old, and cry out, 'Stand and deliver?' That's the way of the world, mates, and we must not set up to be better than other folk. Haven't I a vested interest in the old man's conquests to the extent of one arm, a leg and an eye? Then damme, make all fast, say I!"
Another said, "The old Buccaneer is more fitted now to carry the staff of a pilgrim than the pistol and cutlass of a pirate."
"Vast heaving, my mates," cried a voice from the crowd, "no hard names if you please. Our master's buccaneering days are over, and there is something so unsavoury about the name of a pirate, lads, that the word is now never used in good society. As to whether any little bit of business in that way is done on the sly, it is not for us to say. The wise man's eye is not always open; but his mouth, my hearties, is generally shut, so let us wait and see what comes of our master's peregrination." This was all that the old coxswain contributed at this particular part of the proceedings.
The Port Watch said there was no remedy for anything, but a shift of watches. Some even advocated a sudden raid on the old Ship, and by taking her by surprise to effect their purpose. Random Jack was for doing this, and he declared his readiness to lead the assault, and his courage was very much applauded, and not at all doubted. He was becoming a great favourite amongst the people, who had still so much of the old stuff left in them that they could appreciate pluck in any one. Just as they were going to put their plan to the trial, a soft sound of music came over the water. Music, it is known, has charms to soothe. Some uncovered their heads reverently for they thought it was the evening song coming from the old Church Hulk; but they were all very much disappointed when they found out that it was only the cook accompanying himself on his barrel organ to a hymn strung to his own praise.
This showed that the watch were not asleep. At the same time a spark, as bright as a diamond, rested, as it were, on the bulwark of the old Ship of State. This was caused by the rays of the setting sun impinging upon the glass eye of the carpenter. The burly butcher, fly flapper in hand, all ready for action, could also be seen. This made Random Jack thoughtful. Random Jack remembered the butcher's instrument of torture and he rubbed a part that had been more than once affected, and as he did so, he said that in his opinion things were not quite ripe for action, so the assault fell through, and the old Ship was allowed to ride peacefully at anchor. Hereupon the old coxswain took the opportunity of delivering an oration. "Mates!" he said, "let us do nothing rashly. Hasty actions often require much time for repentance. If so be that you can shift watches by fair means, do so; but give old Bill Dogvane a fair chance. He is an old hand, and an able steersman, and he has weathered many a storm." There was now a great outcry against the coxswain; he was called a traitor; a follower of Bill's; a carpet bag full of old wives' sayings; a bladder full of wind and such like things; one who, if he was struck on one cheek, would turn the other. All this abuse got old Jack Commonsense's back up, as the saying is, and whipping out an oath or two, he exclaimed: "Damme mates! I hope as how I am as good a Christian as the best of you, and as ready as any of you to do my duty to my God and my neighbour; but the man who strikes me, damme! I strike him back, or my name is not Jack Commonsense. Look you now: do you think if any of you blustering, railing lubbers, were to board the old Church Hulk there and strike, say, the High Priest on one cheek, that he would straightway turn the other? If you think so, go and try the experiment; I, for one, ain't agoing to. Mates! have we ever fought our enemies, that our clergy, God bless them! did not bless us, and pray for us? And while we fought with sword and pistol did they not fight for us with their spiritual weapons? Example, my mates, is the best precept, and our Church has never yet taught us in that way that fighting is wrong; or that too much meekness, except from outsiders, is to be very highly commended." When the old coxswain got upon his legs it was hard to get him down and every stump was to him a pulpit. He continued, "God forbid! that I should be a bully, going about the world seeking quarrels with the weak; but God grant, my lads, that I maybe ever ready to lead you all on against the attacks of the strong, who threaten us, and a young woman as I keep company with will be well to the fore, and if you are not found ready to follow old Jack and the beggar woman, then, my lads, make ready your necks for the yoke of the foreign invader. And it is old Jack Commonsense that says so."
We are in these degenerate days singularly unfortunate in many ways. Our means of excitement are nothing like what they used to be. The Buccaneer's island was no exception to the general rule. Indeed time seems to have handled him very roughly. Not that he was altogether free from surprises. Occasionally an idiot obtained possession of a pistol, and either tried to commit or did commit a murder. Then at times a man was knocked down, kicked and robbed, whilst the mighty house-breaker prowled about with pistol and crowbar in search of plunder. It is also true that the Ojabberaways did all they could in the way of providing excitement of a lively nature for the benefit of the old Buccaneer and all his people; but gone were his highwaymen. The vulgar thief alone remained. A mutiny at sea, with the murder of a crew, was a thing of the past. Yet we have to relate a dark conspiracy, which will be for ever known as the Cabal of the Cook's Caboose, and which might have been productive of the gravest results. Mention has already been made of a slight defection amongst a certain section of the crew.
It was past eight bells, and the midnight watch had been set sufficiently long to allow all the look-out men to take up their positions of repose. Not a sound was to be heard upon the old Ship of State except the heavy breathing of the watchman aloft and the monotonous tread of the look-out man aft, who had not as yet secured a comfortable place to pass his watch in. The Church Hulk was wrapped in a deep sleep and the Buccaneer's Chief Priest, with all his ecclesiastical big guns, minor canons, able priests, and ordinary deacons, were fondly locked in slumber's arms. They kept no visible look-out, but angels with their silver wings, it was firmly believed by all devout Buccaneers, hovered over that old ship at night and kept the devil and all his minions away. It was only when the dusky mantle of midnight rested upon the island that silence ever reigned supreme upon that old Church Hulk.
The look-out man on deck hailed the look-out man aloft. "What, ho there!" he cried. "Watchman! what of the night?" The man up aloft had evidently been deeply meditating, for something very like a yawn broke the stillness of the air, but presently a voice came down laden with the words: "All's well! The twinkling eyes of Heaven look down upon a world wrapped in peaceful slumber. All's well!"
"All's well," went up from below in reply, and again there was a great stillness. The eyes of all the houses on shore except one here and there which sat watching for the setting out of some poor weary soul to the regions that lie beyond the grave, were out. The dog that generally breaks the stillness of the night on such occasions was also silent; probably asleep. The wind even had folded her wings and had ceased to sing her lullaby to the accompaniment of her many stringed lute.
Presently a crouching form was to be seen creeping stealthily under the starboard side of the old Ship of State. The suspicious looking object who was enveloped in the dark cloak and slouched hat usually worn by conspirators and hired no doubt for the occasion, made for the cook's galley, and in a voice scarcely above a whisper, exclaimed: "Pepper!"
"Is that you, Chips?" came from the caboose.
"The same," was the reply.
"Where are the rest?" asked the cook.
"They will be here directly," the carpenter said, as he darted into the galley. Scarcely had he got well inside than his mate joined him, and shortly afterwards the burly form of Billy Cheeks, the butcher, was seen trying to conceal himself under the bulwarks. "Keep down, can't you?" cried the cook. "You'll have the look-out man see you."
"Can't help it if he does; can't make myself any smaller than nature made me," replied the butcher. "If I was as small as you, or a ringbolt chaser like Chips, I might be able to do it." This was sarcasm. The butcher loved sarcasm; but the cheery cook turned it off by saying that Chips, and Chisel, his mate, must spokeshave Billy Cheeks down to the ordinary and usual size of a conspirator. As the butcher did not see anything funny in this he did not laugh; and so the joke fell like a dead shell, quite harmless. But the cook, the carpenter, and his mate said that Billy Cheeks was far too big for a conspirator.
All was pitch dark inside the cook's caboose. The fire had long since been out, and it would not have been safe to strike a light. No doubt they had their dark lanterns, for conspirators would not be fully equipped without them, but for some reason best known to themselves, they did not for the present produce them.
"Your programme!" cried the butcher, who generally came at once to the point.
"Listen, my lads, and you shall hear," exclaimed the carpenter. "The old man being away and the captain with him, we must make this the high tide of our prosperity, and carry out as pretty a little scheme as ever entered the head of man, although I say it, as should not. The old coxswain is ashore amongst the landlubbers, so we have nothing to fear from him. For the rest of the crew on board belonging to our watch, well, if they will not join us, why, Billy, my man, you must do your duty. First and foremost we must lighten ship."
"That is easily done," said the cook, "by flinging overboard bodily the old man's Upper Chamber." It is wonderful what a hatred the cook had for this room in the after part of the old ship. He himself said it was on account of their ignorance, want of intelligence, class prejudice, and the airs and graces they gave themselves.
"As you all know, my mates," continued the carpenter, "things ain't as they ought to be on board this old craft; she is much too slow for the times. When a coat becomes too old to wear, what do we do? why, chuck it away."
The jolly little cook now had his say. "Without a doubt the old ship is too bluff bowed for the rapid times we live in, and is more fit to drive piles than to make way against the swift current of events. So, my lads, I am for seizing the ship, and my little game—"
"What is that?" cried the butcher, as he laid his trembling hand upon the carpenter's arm.
"What is what?" exclaimed the carpenter, slightly startled. "Can't you give Pepper time to explain himself. Hurry no man's cattle, is an old and good proverb."
"I heard a noise outside, as if someone was moving," said the butcher.
"Then take a look round, Billy," said the carpenter.
"I am too big," said the butcher, with a sneer, which was felt, though on account of the darkness it was not seen. "Let Pepper go; he is the smallest; no one will see him, and if they do they will take no notice." This was veiled sarcasm, but the cook thought it better not to notice it, because he knew the butcher could not help it.
"Let every man stick to his trade," said the cook, "my place is inside the galley and not out."
Then up spoke the doughty carpenter. "What, my lads! is quaking fear going to be present at our councils? Look at me. I am not afraid." As it was pitch dark, of course nobody could see. "Chisel, my lad," he said, addressing his mate, "show these fellows the stuff you are made of."
"And why should I do what others won't?" replied Chisel. "It is no more my business than it is the cook's, and every man to his trade, say I, too."
"Why don't you take a look round yourself?" cried the butcher.
"Of course I will. Thus!" exclaimed the carpenter, "does conscience make cowards of ye all." Having delivered himself of the quotation, he took a hasty glance through the little square hole that acted as a window in the back part of the galley, and said there was nothing. "I knew that," said the cook. "That is why I did not take the trouble to look; but this is a grievous waste of precious time." "Well, my lads," the carpenter continued, ignoring the fact that the cook was, as the saying is, in possession of the house, or rather, galley. "First and foremost we must seize this old craft, run her ashore, break her up, and build a spic and span new one, upon entirely new lines. We will take a hint here and a hint there. In such a thing our friend Jonathan would not be a bad man to go by. Then we will board the old ship alongside, and make her disgorge, for the general good, some of her accumulated plunder. She is worth a pretty plum I can tell you. Been hoarding up for ages, and yet she is always crying out poverty. Bah! there must be something wrong somewhere, or where does all the money go? She does not apparently give too much of it amongst the poorer part of her crew; but as she renders no accounts we are all in the dark, my lads. It is a busy buzzing hive of drones, though."
"As you say, Master Chips," said the cook. "She does not seem to give much of her stored up wealth to her poor brethren, and Heaven knows that the priestly gabardine too often covers an empty stomach, while others amongst them lead the lives of a Dives. Does poverty and penury find clothing or food out of her riches? Not a bit of it. Too many of her crew, are they not proud? Have they not made an exclusive and an aristocratic high-cast priesthood of themselves?"
"So wags the world, my mates; so wags the world," cried the carpenter. "While one suffers from repletion, another starves. But that old Hulk is now out of date, and she will cut up well you may be sure. Having plundered her, and given every ecclesiastical dog a bone—no offence to the sacred calling—we will bore a hole in her and let her sink. Then, when we are well across the bridge that connects her with this old craft, Chisel, my mate, shall saw the bridge through, and thus lay a trap for the rats; let them either sink or swim."
"Rats, they say," remarked the cook, as he handled his three-pronged toasting-fork, "always leave a sinking ship, and the ecclesiastical rat will prove, I expect, no exception to the rule."
"Honest Pepper!" cried the carpenter, "you speak, as you always do, like a book."
"I've some doubt on my mind, which I should like cleared up before we go any further," said the butcher.
"Out with it, Billy, my man, out with it," exclaimed the carpenter. "Your chest is big, but no doubt it will be the better for being lightened, and an empty house is better than a bad tenant, any day of the week."
"Well, you talked about running this craft ashore, and then turning your attention to the Church Hulk; but if you do that, what is the use of sawing the bridge in two. The bridge would be the plank we should have to walk; with nothing but a drop of some fathoms deep into the pit we had dug for ourselves."
"Or rather the water, Billy," said the cook, who loved his joke.
"That little error can easily be rectified by our settling with the Church Hulk first; but these are mere details. The workers, my lads, shall have their reward; and the clerical Lazarus shall sit down at the same table as the clerical Dives."
"But robbing a church," said the butcher, "is about the last thing a fellow ought to do, is it not?"
"The end, Billy, will justify the means," the carpenter remarked.
"Our master, the Buccaneer," said the cook, "was not above robbing a church once, and who will say he did wrong? Of course his conscience-healers will find justification for the act if he pays them well, and as they read history by the light of faith, and not altogether by facts, they can prove all things entirely to their own satisfaction, and what would have been an act of robbery in others, would be, when they were concerned, a most laudable action. Faith, as is well known, my mates, can work wonders, and it can overcome a mountain of the most obstinate facts with the greatest ease."
"But suppose they turn to and curse us," asked the butcher, who evidently had some qualms of conscience.
"And suppose they do," cried the cook. "Are we a lot of old women to be frightened by such things. Know you not the saying, Billy, that curses come home to roost? Let them curse then."
"Where is Chisel?" the carpenter asked.
"I am here," a voice said out of the darkness.
"Not hearing you, mate, I thought you must have slipped away."
"It appears to me," replied the carpenter's mate, "that there is little need for me to say much, considering that I am expected to do all the dirty work."
"Who will say that anything is dirty work?" replied the cook. "The worker purifies and elevates the work." Pepper was a philosopher. The carpenter continued, "Mates, rest assured of this; if it suits the Buccaneer to sacrifice his Church Ship, he will do it, for he has an elastic conscience, which he will satisfy by saying prayers before and after the act. And as for Dogvane, well, he will wait to see which way the cat jumps. If he sees the time has come, why, then, the State Church will be cast adrift. It is not the first time that old William has robbed a church. I am not the man to say he did a wrong. Why should the Church Hulk be kept moored alongsides of the old craft? All well enough when she ruled the roast; but now more than two hundred sects are outside her jurisdiction, and the Chief Priest and other officers under him cannot at all times keep the unruly crew in order. They have their mutinies, and their interior economy does not seem to be just as it should be; so, my lads, she will either have to mend her ways or end them, as has been said of another of our master's ancient establishments."
"Which, my mates," said the cook, "you may leave to me. I will have my knife into the Upper Chamber yet."
"After duty comes pleasure," continued the carpenter. "Having settled the Church Hulk we must turn our attention to old Squire Broadacre. His house is in a terrible state, and must be put in order. We must pare down his property a bit, for there is a family called Hodge, a good, decent, honest, and industrious, though perhaps ignorant lot, who are but poorly off. It is the squire's duty to look after this family; but, mates, it is well known that selfishness fills hell."
"But do you suppose that the Buccaneer is going to allow all this to be done?" exclaimed the butcher.
"It appears to me, mates," replied the carpenter, "that our friend Billy is going to throw cold water on all our plans."
"What is the use of our assembling here," asked the butcher, "if we are not allowed to speak?"
"Who wants to stop your speaking?" exclaimed the carpenter. "I certainly am not going to undertake the task, I can tell you. Our master must be talked and wheedled over, and as for old Dogvane, well, we all know that he has a damned tender conscience. (The oath must be pardoned. The best of carpenters, and all sailors, swear at times.) Look here, mates, I fancy I know as much about Captain Dogvane as most men. If he wants a thing done, and if so be that he has set his heart upon it, bang goes his conscience in that direction. Never was there a conscience under better control. It says to the captain's inclination, 'which way does my master want me to go, so that his servant may obey him?' Never yet did Dogvane's conscience prove him wrong, and he is at all times on the best of terms with it. Look you, our captain will say neither yea nor nay, and he will use so many words in saying so, that everyone will be at loggerheads, quarrelling over what he means, when in all probability he means nothing; but is only waiting to see which way the wind is going to blow."
Here the cook spoke: "I have great faith in the old man; but if he does not go with us, what then? All the talent is not in one head, and as for his first lieutenant, and one or two others, we can afford to lose them. They are too slow for the times."
"Lads, in cases like this," cried the carpenter, "we must not mince matters; and if the worst comes to the worst Billy Cheeks must do his duty."
The paleness of the butcher at these ominous words was concealed. There was a terrible hidden meaning in what the carpenter said, and it made the butcher's flesh creep and his blood run cold.
"I am at all times prepared to do my duty," the butcher said, "at fly-flapping the tail end of a Tory cockerel, or at stopping the cackle of the older birds, I will give way to no man; but I love the old captain, and I would not injure a hair of his venerable head on any account. As we all know, he is but lightly covered."
"Who wants you to injure his hair?" cried the carpenter. "Do you think we want you to be ship's barber as well as ship's butcher?" The carpenter, who began to fear that he had gone too far, thought it best to trim a bit, and therefore he advised the butcher not to be so sharp in coming to conclusions. "Of course," he said, "it's natural that you should put a professional aspect on things."
"There!" cried the butcher in alarm, "I heard the noise again."
"Then go and see what it is," the carpenter said in disgust.
"Ah! It makes no difference to me," the butcher replied. "If you other fellows did not hear it, I must have been mistaken." The cook, the carpenter, and Chisel his mate were extremely gratified at this generous admission on the part of the butcher, and they one and all said they never could remember the time when Billy Cheeks had owned himself in the wrong before. The carpenter was quite softened. Even Pepper was touched, and they all hoped that it augured no ill to the butcher, for sudden changes in disposition and character are often the unwelcome harbingers of speedy dissolution. They strongly advised Billy Cheeks to consult his medical man. This painful episode for the time quite damped the spirits of the conspirators. "If anything happens to you, Billy, where would you like to be buried?" the cook asked. They left the butcher to think the matter over, and after a while the carpenter continued: "Having got possession of everything, we will all live happily together ever afterwards." The butcher, who had recovered himself asked, "How about the old lion which keeps watch over the Buccaneer's affairs?"
"Your hand, Billy," cried the carpenter groping about in the dark, "I see you are better, and have taken up your character again of Chief Obstructionist. If you don't like to join our party, go over to the other watch. They are in want of men of substance."
"Why do you catch one up so precious sharp?" cried the butcher, irritated. "I suppose there is no harm in asking a simple question? Who wants to go over to the other watch? Haven't I always stood by you and Pepper, and defended you when you were both blackguarded and abused? One would think you two were the Buccaneer's darlings, but you are neither of you liked, though people may laugh at you, Pepper. What is the use of my being here, if I am to keep my mouth shut? Chisel may act the part of a dummy if he likes, but I will not."
"Messmate, your hand," cried the carpenter again. "No offence, old man. We are in the same boat, therefore we must pull together. There is an old adage that applies to us."
"It is no use our quarrelling over trifles," said the cook. "The old lion is asleep: or out of wind, and he is just about as harmless as if he were stuffed with hair or straw, and no one fears him now let him roar ever so loud."
"But to ease your mind, Billy," said the carpenter, "my mate shall draw his teeth and cut his claws."
"And pray why should I have all the dirty and dangerous work to do?" said Chisel again.
"What!" exclaimed the carpenter, in evident surprise. "Are you going to take a leaf out of the butcher's book, mate! It seems we commented upon your silence too soon; but if you are afraid to do the work; well let his teeth and claws remain. Thus the difficulty is got over with ease. After all, it is only a detail, and we will not come to loggerheads over a detail."
"There it is again," cried the butcher, "I swear I saw something like a hand spread out fan-shape towards me. The thumb was from me, and seemed attached to a human nose."
This was very terrible, and the conspirators felt a creepy sensation all over them. But the cook reassured them all, by saying, that very often people, whose stomachs were out of order, suffered from optical delusions. He said he felt sure Billy Cheeks must have eaten something that had disagreed with him; so they took no further notice, and proceeded with the business of the evening.
"Of course we shall want assistance; but we can count upon the Ojabberaways, they are always ready for anything in the shape of a row. They have their price, then we shall have the Hodges, and the Sikes with us. They are all ripe for action. Now another thing presents itself. We must have a head, no body can get along without a head."
"Some seem to get along very well without such a thing," said the cook. This also was sarcasm. The cook loved it, and his tongue it was said was as sharp as needles. "Well, my mates," he continued, "of course we must have a head; but mind you, let us have no hereditary fool to fill the office; and no baubles in the shape of crowns and court paraphernalia, no court flunkies, my lads, to eat the bread of idleness, no court pimps. I am dead against crowns. They are expensive articles, no matter upon whose head they rest. Kings too often are little better than blood suckers, and blood spillers, and all by the grace of God forsooth."
The subject of a head for the new commonwealth, or whatever it was to be called, was of so grave a nature that for some few minutes not one of the conspirators spoke. Evidently each one was revolving in his own mind as to upon whom the selection ought to fall, and no doubt each could have solved the momentous question to his own entire satisfaction; but modesty kept their thoughts locked up. Presently the carpenter spoke.
"It's a detail," he said. They all agreed, and so the matter dropped, not, however, before there had been a slight passage of arms between the carpenter and the cook. "Of course," said Chips, "you are out of the question, Pepper?"
"And why so, pray?" was the indignant reply. "I didn't say I would take the post if it were offered me; for I am not like some people I could mention, of an ambitious turn of mind. No matter who falls, so long as they mount." This must have hit the carpenter very hard.
"Whoever heard of a cook being made a ruler?" the carpenter asked.
"For the matter of that, whoever heard of a carpenter?" said the cook.
"Why Pepper, my lad, where's your schooling? Does not a carpenter's son, and one who was a carpenter himself rule the whole Christian World? But that is neither here nor there. You are too small; you would not command respect."
"Now I am surprised to hear a man of your ability, Chips, talk such utter nonsense. You seem to judge men as a butcher does his meat, by the pound. That is the sort of thing perhaps a woman might do. If that is to be your little game, you had better hoist Billy Cheeks up at once; he is not exactly a skeleton, and, no doubt, he would fill the place as well as any one else."
"No offence, Pepper, no offence, mate; it is a detail," said the carpenter.
"Then let it be a detail; and I care not who you hoist over us, so long as our head is neither expensive nor too highly gilded. But mind you, the lumber room must go."
They all agreed that this was a sensible way of looking at things, and to appease the cook, no doubt, they would there and then have lightened the ship by flinging over the whole of the Buccaneer's House of Lords, but the heavy tread of the watchman aft made them abandon the idea for the present; but as that ancient hereditary institution had fallen under the cook's displeasure, it was not likely that it could survive such a thing for long.
"What are we to do with our foreign relations?" asked the carpenter's mate.
"Ah! Chisel, my lad, you are coming to the front," said the carpenter.
"What have we to do with foreign relations?" the cook asked. "Let them mind their own business, and we will mind ours."
"The unfortunate thing is," said the butcher, "that they won't mind their own business; no people will." The butcher gave another start and declared he heard the mysterious sound at the back of the galley.
"Well, Billy!" the carpenter exclaimed, "for a big man, you have about the smallest heart of any man I ever met."
Thus did the conspirators settle the affairs of the Buccaneer's nation. But now another and most unmistakable sound saluted their ears. A cock crowed loud and long. It is a well-known fact that neither spirits nor conspirators can stand this sort of thing. "Ah!" cried the carpenter, "there goes the shrill herald of the morn." Conspirators generally speak in this florid manner. "The day has returned too soon. You have much to answer for, Billy; for by your incessant interruptions you have squandered our precious time. But no matter. My lads, one little thing before we part. We shall want money. We cannot get on without the needful. It is money that makes the old mare go."
"I have a scheme here," cried the cook, "of raising the necessary wind."
"Quick, Pepper, my man, where is that lamp of yours you are so fond of flaunting before the eyes of people in the broad light of day. The torch of Truth you call it."
"Ah! Master Chips, the light of that lamp is only shed on other people's business. It would never do here."