The allusion to this vulgar insect caused no little confusion in so goodly an assembly, and a wave of irritation seemed to pass through the whole crowd, affecting even the Lords Spiritual, and Miss Progress was so put about by being kept in the back-ground, whilst so much good time was being wasted upon so trivial a matter, that she exclaimed with considerable warmth, "Perish the flea!" Upon this old Jack cried out to the amusement of all, "There I am with you, miss; but first of all you've got to catch him."
The bold Buccaneer was extremely tickled, and his sides shook with merriment, and of course every one joined in. So great was the mirth that the whole noble structure was shaken to its very foundation, so much so, that the old lion got up from his recumbent position, and looked round in a terrified manner, and the cox'sn cried out as he turned towards the company, "Vast heaving, my hearties! Clap a stopper upon your laughing gear, and make all merriment fast."
The shrill blast of a herald's trumpet now claimed the attention of all, and the aggrieved women were dismissed with a promise that their case should receive the consideration it deserved, and the probability of a Royal Commission was hinted at, and with this they were obliged to be satisfied. Again the shrill notes of a brazen trumpet pierced the air, and silence unfolded her wings and hovered over the company. Now a herald, gorgeously apparelled in cloth of gold, emblazoned back and front in the customary fashion, entered upon the scene, and expectation was all on tip-toe.
"A messenger, a messenger, no doubt," cried Dogvane, "from his august and most sable Majesty King Hokee with dispatches from the most noble Bandit of the East."
With much pomp and ceremony the herald advanced, carrying over his left shoulder a spear, and in his right hand what looked like a battered beaver hat, with the crown knocked out. Halting in front of the Buccaneer, he exclaimed, after having made the usual obeisance, "Most noble and illustrious Sea King, ruler of the universe, the holder of the only key to Heaven, the redresser of wrongs, the chastiser of the evil doer, and the terror of the oppressor, know that a little while since, while yet the day was but a few hours old, two friendly factions of the Ojabberaways met, and entered upon an argument apparently from opposite premises, and this is the conclusion that they arrived at." With this he stuck his spear into the battered beaver, for such it was, and raised it up on high, for an admiring crowd to gaze upon. When curiosity was satisfied a very high state official took charge of the interesting relic, and it was conveyed with much ceremony to one of the Buccaneer's principal museums.
It must be owned that to sit and listen to the complaints of so many people was trying to the patience of all; but the Buccaneer and his family were well trained to this sort of thing, and even liked it. Sunday after Sunday the uncrowned queen, Respectability, sent them all to church, sometimes even twice. There they sat quietly under their favourite pulpit, and listened without a murmur to their pastor, who frequently either chided them as children, treated them as fools, or eternally damned them all as incorrigible sinners.
The upper ranks of the Buccaneer's people now came on and complained that their heels were being kicked by those who came after them, and that the respect that once was given to rank and social position was now grudgingly bestowed, if indeed it was bestowed at all. The deputation was presented with the proverb which the Buccaneer and his cox'sn had picked up in their roving days on the Spanish Main, and they were recommended to have it framed and hung up in some convenient place, where their children might be able to look upon it.
The Squire followed, and he again laid bare his numerous complaints; said he could never remember the time when he was in such low water, for he could get little or nothing out of his tenants, whilst his burdens were more than he could bear. Scarcely had he finished speaking, when his tenants appeared in a body, and declared, that owing to the foreign cheap-Jacks underselling them, they could not get enough out of the land to keep body and soul together, let alone money enough to pay their landlord rents. Some of these tenants complained too, that the clergy were too exacting, and made no abatement in their tithe charge; but demanded the pound of flesh that was in their bond.
This brought the clergy forward, and they declared that their claim was the first charge upon the land, which was taken subject to the burden. The pulpit produces the speaker, if it does nothing else. "Is it not in our bond," they said, "that we shall have the tenth part of the yearly increase arising from the profits of the land, the stock upon the land, and the personal industry of those living upon the land, or a just equivalent for these?"
There was now a most learned discussion upon the origin and nature of the tithe charge, all of which did little less than breed confusion. The argument was taken up amongst the company. Some said that it began first as a purely voluntary offering, but that long since a crafty priesthood had fossilized it into a hard and fast legal right, which weighed heavily upon the land in such hard times. The clergy said that it was on account of the hardness of men's hearts that the offering had to be legalized into a right. "If," they said, "the charge were left to the free will of man, we should soon starve, for man would give nothing in so selfish, degenerate, and worldly an age. The custom is sanctioned by age and by Divine authority, for did not Abraham, when he spoiled the five kings, give a tenth part of the spoils to Melchisedek?" No one seemed bold enough to deny this, and the clergy finished up by saying that as they were called upon to fulfil their obligations, so they must call upon other people to fulfil theirs.
This seemed but reasonable; but just as the Buccaneer was going to deliver judgment, the poor clergy took the opportunity to come forward and present their grievance, which was to the effect that they, and their families, were in many cases in want. Upon being appealed to, the High Priest and Lords Spiritual declared that it was so, and that it reflected the greatest discredit upon the Buccaneer and all his people, for it betokened a selfish hardness of heart that was most unchristian-like.
The poorer clergy were treated to a most excellent discourse upon the beauties of poverty, which beauties, it would appear, that even the clergy love best to contemplate at a distance, which in this, as in most things else, lends enchantment to the view. It was pointed out to this section of the disaffected, by those in spiritual authority, that Christ Himself was a great advocate for poverty and condemned in no measured terms the greed after riches; that all His early disciples were poor and lowly, and that His religion was propagated by a band of holy, but shoeless beggars. The poor clergy were bid to find comfort in this, and walk in the path to which they had been called with a sanctified humility.
The old cox'sn now got himself into disgrace, for he turned round and asked the preacher how he could reconcile the precept with the general practice. How, if poverty was such a fine thing, the clergy did not practise it themselves. The high ecclesiastics to whom Jack addressed himself did not condescend to answer so impertinent a remark, but all chance of Church preferment was for ever gone from the old cox'sn, and it is even possible that if he then had died he would not have been allowed Christian burial.
"This difficulty," cried the Buccaneer, "can be easily overcome." Then turning to his Lords Spiritual and other high church dignitaries, he said, "While some on board of your ship, my lords, have too much, others have too little of this world's wealth. A little while since some amongst you preached a homily upon the beauties of poverty. All of you follow the Master who said that it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, and when that rich man is a priest, how doubly hard must be the task. Therefore, I say to you, as I have said before, and in the language of Him whom you profess to follow, 'sell all that you have and give it to the poor,' or at least, share your riches amongst your poorer brethren."
Now, when those in authority on board the old Church Hulk heard this they were extremely sorrowful and sorely grieved, for many of them had large incomes and other worldly possessions, while some had fashionable and ambitious wives, and many had large families, and, as everyone knows, it is hard enough to serve two masters, and next to impossible when the masters are increased to many.
The old cox'sn, who was of a pious turn, wondered what would happen if Christ were to appear again upon earth and enter some one of the Buccaneer's many temples where the perfumed flowers of his fashionable society worshipped God, or, perhaps many gods, in all their pride and splendour. Jack, however, kept his counsel. He was an humble individual and it was not for him to meddle in such weighty matters.
Close upon the heels of the Church came the Buccaneer's lawyers, and true chips were these of the ancient block. The members of the Devil's own, as they were called, complained that an interfering fellow on board of the old Ship of State had called them brigands and other offensive names. This they did not so much mind, but what they did object to was, that busy bodies, instead of paying attention to their own business, wanted to meddle with theirs, and by so doing, to curtail their perquisites and cut down their fees. Of all the Buccaneer's trades and professions, in no one was the principle of the parable before alluded to more conspicuous than in his legal profession, the members of which not only fleeced their sheep, but flayed them, whenever they had the smallest opportunity. The estimation they were held in, even amongst the Buccaneer's people, was shown by the fact that in all his works of fiction, either on the stage or in novels, almost all the rogues were provided by the legal profession.
But the spirit of robbery to which allusion has been so frequently made, was to be found even where it ought not to have existed. Many of the Buccaneer's schools were presided over by members of his State Church and many of his teachers were drawn from the same source. Now some of these, in an underhand way, robbed the parents of the boys intrusted to their charge, for they were paid extremely well, if not exorbitantly, to educate their pupils, but in too many cases they taught them little or nothing, and sent them home, into the bargain, to live a good portion of the time at their parents' expense. Then at the end of what was by courtesy called their academical career, the young birds were sent out into the world veritable fledgelings as regards their knowledge, with not feathers sufficient to cover the nakedness of their ignorance or to fly in search of food. This is at the top of that scale at the bottom of which lies the vulgar thief who breaks through and steals.
After the lawyers came the doctors, who complained that people apparently had little or no inclination to get ill. They declared there seemed to be a selfish desire on the part of every one to keep the time-honoured and much-trusted family doctor out in the cold, and if it were not for the love which still kept a strong hold upon the people, to over-eat and over-drink themselves, their profession would be but a poor one, though in young children they still found some little support. Whether the doctors robbed the people or not, could not very easily be told as they rendered no details with their accounts.
The next lot to appear, showed by their double chests and double chins that they were no strangers to good living, and no doubt beneath their capacious waistcoats lay the tail end of many a bottle of their master's wine. These men complained that their masters had become so niggardly and looked after things so closely themselves, that perquisites (by some called plunder) were quite things of the glorious past, so that the modest independence with the public house, the lodging house, or the green-grocer's shop, was put so far away into the future as to come too late, if it ever came at all.
These much ill-used individuals had the same sad story to tell about foreign competition. They declared people came over in crowds from their neighbours and took the bread out of their mouths. Now came the women servants, resplendent in their cheap finery, and with airs and graces aped from their betters. Some of these quarrelled with some thing, some with another, and one and all seemed considerably above their position, being much too proud to work.
Before dealing with these the Buccaneer ordered on the masters and mistresses so that by hearing their side of the story he might be the better able to judge. It was a sign of the times that the servants came on first, and many believed that this merely was the finger post which pointed to a state of things, when all would be changed and the classes would be the humble and obedient slaves of the masses, when King Mob would wield the sceptre over the Buccaneer's people. It, therefore, behoved those interested to see that their future masters were properly educated.
The employers now declared that it was almost impossible to get good servants. Not one would bear correction. They demanded high pay for doing very little work, and grumbled at all times both at the quality and the quantity of their food. They declared that the lower orders were now so educated that all the girls preferred either to go into shops, or into the school-room, and then the suffering upper classes were called upon to support institutions to keep these spoilt children off the streets. There was a general complaint too, that the stomachs of the serving classes had become so dainty, that they turned up their noses at what their betters were very well contented with, and there was a general concurrence of opinion that, rather than put up with the insolence, ignorance, and idleness of the Buccaneer's own people, masters and mistresses would either do without servants altogether, or employ foreigners, who were more industrious, very much more sober, and quite as honest as the Buccaneer's people, while they did not go to their local clubs or pot houses, and talk over their master's affairs, and disclose to the vigilant burglar the whereabouts of their master's silver. Nor were they in league with the local tradesmen to rob their masters.
"Away with you all," cried the Buccaneer, addressing the servants. He was always ready to condemn peculation on such a scale as this. "Away with you," he cried, "for you are all robbers in disguise. Speak to them, Jack, and trounce them well with thy tongue."
"Aye, aye, yer honour. 'Bout ship, my lads and lasses, before shame and misfortune throw their grappling irons on board of you. You're heading for the jail and the work-house, and before you lie poverty and misery. 'Bout ship, I say, before you find that hunger is the best sauce for a proud stomach."
This batch went away more dissatisfied than ever, and they declared that the old coxswain's language was brutal in the extreme, and they swore they would have nothing to do with such a fellow as that. They determined to get some one of the ship's crew, who wanted some opportunity to bring himself before the public, to take their case up, and by putting a heavy tax upon foreign labour, give them greater opportunities to be independent, more idle, and insolent.
The Buccaneer thought that for a contented and prosperous people he had his fair share of disaffection; but Liberty now ushered in a pale-faced and solemn looking batch, who declared that drink was sending the Buccaneer's people to the dogs and the devil. They carried in front of them a banner on which was depicted a drunkard beating his wife, and ill-using his starved children. On the reverse, there was the besotted mother and the sober but miserable husband. This cheerless-looking lot, upon whose features laughter-loving mirth never seemed to dwell, were the total abstainers, who declared that nothing would save the Buccaneer and his people, except they were all made sober by law.
"Why, Jack!" cried the Buccaneer, turning to his friend, "one lot wants to feed me on peacods, while another wants to drench me with water."
But now a portly lot of red-faced, pimply-nosed publicans, whose stomachs were as round as one of their own beer barrels, pushed their way to the front, and swore that water was being the ruin of them. They told the Buccaneer in plain and unmistakable language, that if his people continued to walk in the paths of sobriety at the same rate at which they were at present going, the source from which he derived no little of his revenue would be completely dried up, and he would lose millions of his yearly income, when his upper classes would have to bear the burden of increased taxation.
The Buccaneer always taxed his upper classes as much as ever he could. Perhaps this was right. Besides, what was called the people, that mighty, but barely defined force, did not like taxation, and therefore they were exempted; but they had no prejudice otherwise against the principle.
The Buccaneer was touched, and after a moment's consideration he said, "Why can't my subjects drink in moderation, and not make beasts of themselves?"
"Why not, indeed, sir?" answered the publicans. "A man in moderation can take a good quantity of liquor and not hurt himself, and yet benefit the trade and his country. We set our face against your habitual drunkard. He is our enemy, because he gives in too soon. It is the steady drinker; the man who is always at it, and yet who never gets himself into difficulties, that is our friend."
To lose millions a year. This was indeed a serious affair, and the Buccaneer feared that those muddling water drinkers would do him considerable harm. But there was a bright spot looming in the distance, for had not his trusty Captain Dogvane told him that there was a heathen nation with an immense population to be civilised? Of course it was against his religious principles that he should place drunkenness within easy reach of this people; but then, if at the same time he gave them his Book, and rescued them from the devil, that would be a fair exchange, and in all things human, there must be shortcomings; things that one would willingly prevent if one could, but we cannot expect perfection in this world, and we must therefore have recourse to that most useful and necessary custom of winking at things we cannot help. It is much to be regretted, that the heathen with civilisation will take to strong liquors, as naturally apparently as a duck takes to water. But he does, so there is an end of it. The Buccaneer now eased his conscience by being extremely severe upon his publicans whom he read a sharp lecture. He treated them in a most haughty manner, said they were a demoralizing agency; a blot, a blemish, and a disgrace; but still he took their money. He told them they had better take care of themselves.
The publicans said that was the very thing of all others they would try to do; but they added that the officers of the Buccaneer's Revenue were so precious sharp, and were so much against them, and were down upon them with such heavy penalties if they attempted to help their friends the teetotallers, by watering their ales, and other strong drinks, that virtue had no chance to be over-virtuous. They declared that the licentious Revenue officers hovered over them like a lot of hungry vultures; and with their meddlesome ways were doing an infinity of mischief.
The publicans were a mighty power in the Buccaneer's kingdom, and it is to his credit that he rebuked them even as he did. He read them a lecture, and having in his mind's eye the banner of the teetotallers he pointed out to the delinquents the frightful consequences of drink. The publicans were quite equal to the occasion, they said that there were two sides to every question, and that the devil himself was not half as black as he was painted. To this the Lords Spiritual took exception, and they rose in a body and entered their protest against such a blasphemous assertion. Of course this weighty matter could not be argued out at such a time, or in such a place; but it was taken up on board the old Church Hulk, and received there all the attention it deserved, and no doubt it was the means of adding still more to the Buccaneer's numerous sects.
Some were inclined to subject the devil to the fashionable process known as white-washing. As every eminent blackguard in ancient, and up to a certain time even in modern history, has undergone this treatment, there is no reason why his satanic majesty should be left out in the cold. It seems hard that the blackguard Judas should not have been favoured, but perhaps some champion will yet arise to take up his cause. Does not the Christian world owe him something? Would it have been saved from the torments of hell, if Judas had not played the betrayer's part? The publicans said there was a good deal of prejudice about drink. That party feeling here, as elsewhere, ran extremely high, engendering very much animosity, and thus a good deal of obloquy and unjust reproach was heaped upon the head of the poor drunkard. They begged that the subject might be approached in no mean or narrow spirit. They maintained that the drunkard, if only a steady going drunkard, and a man of regular habits, was a public benefactor. One who did his best through the means of indirect taxation to swell the revenues of the State, and as a vast number of the Buccaneer's people paid no direct taxes, the only way they helped to keep up the dignity, the honour, the welfare, and the safety of the empire was by getting as drunk as they could, as often as they could. Indeed, looking at it from their point of view, the greater the drunkard, the greater the benefactor he was to the community; he being a man who sacrificed himself, and frequently his family, for the sake of his country, as every good citizen should. If he broke down occasionally under the burden of indirect taxation, he was an object more of pity than of contempt. And if he beat his wife, and starved his children, what then? The individual must at all times be sacrificed for the sake of the general public. So eloquent were the publicans, and there was so much force in what they said, that the Buccaneer began to waver. The publicans seeing the good impression they had made, continued on in the same direction, and pointed out that if the teetotallers set up the pump and pulled down the pot-house, that not only would the great Buccaneer lose his revenue, but that his people would assuredly become gourmands, for that there never was a total abstainer who was not a large if not a coarse feeder, and of the two, a drunkard, they declared, bad as he was, was infinitely to be preferred to a glutton.
The case was undoubtedly a serious one. Not one amongst the grand company—not even Dogvane himself—would dare to give an opinion directly against the publicans, such was their power in the island. The Buccaneer was obliged to admit that the drunkard was a despicable rascal, and the cause of very great misery; but then the public-houses brought in such a very large revenue.
There appeared to be only one way out of the difficulty and that was to have recourse to a Royal Commission. This institution which has before been mentioned, requires to be explained, for it was extremely useful to the Buccaneer and got him out of many difficulties. It was a wonderful institution and had many and various virtues. It was supposed to contain a cure for every evil under the sun and to possess wonderful powers of finding out ills and their several remedies; and it was supposed to have a microscopic eye, and a bright intelligence, that shed a light into the darkest holes and corners. At least, it was supposed to do all this. It was a mysterious institution, having, indeed, some of the attributes of the Inquisition. There was one thing about it that was evident to all. It was extremely slow in its working, and perhaps in this lay no little of its virtue, for anything that it took under its consideration faded away from public view long before any conclusion was arrived at, and thus it may be said that it squeezed all the life out of whatever it sat upon, and then buried its victim in some official pigeon-hole, or other tomb belonging to oblivion.
What the publicans had said brought forward the butchers; but Billy Cheeks had nothing to do with these. They declared they were doing scarcely any business. They said that however true it might be, as a general rule, about water-drinkers being large eaters, they saw no signs of total abstinence in this respect amongst the people. They added that what with foreign competition and the growing carefulness of housekeepers, who kept far too sharp an eye upon their allies the cooks, their profits were falling off every day. Then they pointed out that their trade was being threatened by the vegetarians, who could stuff themselves to repletion for about sixpence, or even less. Now a farmer, who having heard what the butchers had said, declared butchers ought to be making large fortunes, for that they charged the people quite double, and sometimes more, than what they gave for the meat. This was quite true, but then the butchers only acted upon that principle of robbery which was to be detected in the breast of most of the trading Buccaneers, and was all due, no doubt, to an old Sea King, or pirate, having taken to business in his latter years, and the principle on which he traded, namely, of turning his five talents into ten.
The dispute between the burly farmer and the burly butcher seemed likely to end in blows; but the vegetarians stepped in and acted as a buffer. They declared that animal food was not at all necessary, and that if men would only feed upon vegetables there would be no wars and they would live longer and more intellectual lives.
"If that comes to pass," said old Jack, "farewell to the lowing herds and the bleating flocks, for man isn't going to keep these things to look at, and a pretty flabby weak-kneed lot we shall be. Give me my chop and toothsome steak, say I."
Jack was told that he was very much behind the time and that science was dead against him. This discussion was put an end to by the appearance of the milkmen who complained that they had suffered considerably since they had been stopped manufacturing their own cream, adulterating their milk with water, and mixing fat with their butter. In fact, all the tradesmen had the same story to tell, and cried out against the stringent laws which ground them down to a rigid line of honesty. Perquisites and peculation, they declared, were almost things of the past, and they added that all this was strictly against the interests of trade, and was not according to precedent. They wanted to know where the Buccaneer would have been if, in his fine old Buccaneering days, he had been so hampered. In conclusion they declared that a too rigid honesty was not compatible with prosperity, and that though "honesty is the best policy" is a capital text to put over your door, it is a bad principle to practise behind the counter. They added that "caveat emptor" ought to be the motive power between man and man in all his mercantile transactions, and that idiots should be left to take care of themselves.
This unprincipled language horrified the Buccaneer, who having long since become wealthy, could now afford to be honest, virtuous, and respectable. So he condemned, in no measured terms, these nefarious adulterators, and would-be peculators. It is true that these tradesmen were but chips of the ancient block; but that block had now been laid aside, and was only produced on very great and state occasions, when the magnitude of it quite overshadowed all the small chips that had been cut from it, and the block was so highly polished that it looked altogether beautiful and quite virtuous.
But who are these men, who look like whitened sepulchres, that are treading so closely upon the heels of the milkmen?
These are the Buccaneer's bakers, who declared that nearly all the Buccaneer's bread was made by foreign hands, who were literally taking the very bread out of the mouths of the Buccaneer's own sons.
The Buccaneer knew there was very great truth in this. But how was he to remedy the evil? His was a free land and people ever had been allowed to come and to go at their own pleasure; and to buy and sell, and to make their money as best they could. Then the bakers had the same complaint about the severity of the law, which kept so strict an eye upon them all to the detriment of trade, that it was not safe to use any of the substances so useful in adulterating bread, such as bean meal, rice flour, potatoes and peas, indian corn, salt, and alum. Of course they admitted that too much alum was not good for the human stomach, but that was no business of theirs, and the human stomach could adapt itself to all things, so wonderfully and marvellously was it made.
The brewers next had their say, and declared that their ales and stouts stood a chance of being washed out of the market by the light beverages from the other side of the water, and that these and wishy-washy wines were ruining their trade, and undermining the constitution of the people. These malcontents declared that this was but the thin end of the wedge which was eventually to cleave the Buccaneer's prosperity asunder. It was by good strong brewed ales and beef that he had made himself what he was, and unless John Barleycorn was reinstated they fully believed that the Buccaneer would dwindle down to the mere shadow of his former self.
This oration met with general approval; for there were many who thought that beer and beef produced good muscle, sound bodies, and healthy and courageous minds; but a sickly smile played upon the features of the teetotallers and vegetarians, who pitied all those whose minds were so much clouded by ignorance.
Now a general cry rose up from amongst the traders against the buyers, who, it was said, were ruining trade by their co-operation, which, it was declared, had taken all the gilt off their gingerbread. The strange part of the thing was, that while the shop-keepers claimed the privilege of combining together to fleece their customers they denied the latter the right of combining together for their own protection. "How," they asked, "were poor people to maintain their families, make a modest competence, and support their public burdens, if the consumers patronized co-operative stores?" They all declared that in days, unhappily long since past, people lived quite as long as they did now, if not longer. This they considered a conclusive proof that adulteration, if conducted upon the principles of moderation, was not detrimental to the coatings of the human stomach, which, they said, was being ruined by the extreme care that was being taken of it, until indeed there was a good chance of that pampered and petted member ruling the whole body in a most tyrannical manner. The stomach had been made to do certain work; then why relieve it of its responsibility?
The tailors now advanced, and they also had their grievance; for they declared that the atmosphere was so impregnated with honesty that their cabbages were nothing like as fine as what they used to be; and they made the same cry out against foreign competition. The shoemakers had the same tale to tell. Behind these came the handmaids to fashion and folly, who declared that their field of operation was becoming more and more contracted, not on account of any falling off in the vanity of the female sex, but on account of the cruel laws that had been passed to guard the husbands against the extravagance of their wives. All this they declared was extremely unjust and entirely against the interest of trade.
The honest Hodge family now came lumbering along, and each member carried in his hands a halter of rope. The Buccaneer beheld them with amazement, for he feared they were going to take a leaf out of the Ojabberaways' book and make a prisoner of the poor old Squire. He was relieved to find they had no such intention. The Hodge family were one and all agriculturalists, but they declared that times were sadly out of joint with them. They said they wished to make a prisoner of no one; but they each of them had been promised a cow and a bit of land, by a gentleman they saw amongst the grand company, and they had brought the bit of rope to lead their beast back. "Hodge," cried the Buccaneer, "your bed may not be one of roses; but your condition has wonderfully improved. Your wages in the last fifty years have been doubled, and so have your comforts. You ever have had the reputation of being an honest fellow, willing to earn by the sweat of your brow a living; keep in the same track. Remember promises are made of pie crust, and take care, my honest fellow, that designing people neither make a tool nor a fool of you." Hodge scratched his head to try by gentle irritation to conjure his brain into such a state of activity that he might understand the situation, but he found no relief, and had to go away muttering to himself that "summut must be wrong somewhere."
A complete damper was now put upon the whole of the proceedings, by the appearance of a most melancholy and miserable-looking body of men. On their faces woe, deep woe, sat enthroned, and their dress bore testimony to the depth of their sorrow. This mournful section of the disaffected could scarcely speak for emotion. It was a deputation from the undertakers, who declared that unless something was done to revive and encourage their drooping trade, they would all have to throw themselves upon the community by entering the work-house. They said their business was not what it had been or what it ought to be. Though perhaps they did not suffer as much as other traders from foreign competition, people still having sufficient respect for themselves to wish to be buried in home-made coffins, yet the general depression, but more especially that which bore so heavily upon their worthy friends, the publicans, bid fair to ruin them. Indeed, they saw little before them but their own tenantless coffins. Then they said that buryings had so fallen off that little or no margin for profit was left, for not only had they decreased in number, but also considerably in quality. People, they declared, seemed to take more care of themselves than they used to; eating less, and drinking less; consequently living longer. Then when they died they generally left behind them strictly economical and even niggardly instructions, and worse still, relations who were mean enough to carry them out. They said all this was against the interests of trade, and ought to be put a stop to. All hired grief, they declared, was a drug upon the market. The nodding funereal plumes were fast vanishing. The pensive, sorrow-faced, and red-nosed mute, they declared, would soon be a being of the past, and would only live in the pages of history, unless some fresh life was put into him by more frequent deaths, and more decent and expensive funerals. They said that the money now spent upon floral decorations, which in a few hours were crushed under the earth, if they did not find their way to the grave-digger's cottage, would keep a mute in drink and his wife and family in bread for many weeks, and they declared that such sinful waste ought to be put down by the strong arm of the law. It was a pity, they said, that such a hardness of heart had seized upon the Buccaneer's people, for that now the circumstances of the deceased could no longer be told by the funeral obsequies, and that now many a great, and even rich man, went to his last resting-place with no more pomp, than if he had been one of mean degree. A few widows perhaps, whose hearts were stricken with remorse for the lives they had led their husbands, and out of gratitude for the comfortable circumstances they had been left in, still showed liberality, but the number, though respectable, was not more than sufficient to give a small flicker to the dying lamp of their prosperity.
With eyes brimful of tears, they declared that their old friends, the doctors, were deserting them, for they did not now kill half the people they used to, and there seemed to be a selfish desire on all sides to cheat the grave, and consequently to injure the undertakers.
Then they declared that science was doing an infinity of harm by poking its nose into every offensive smell it came across, by trapping drains, emptying, and forbidding cesspools, and finding sanitary preventions for nearly every disease. This, they declared, was violating one of the Buccaneer's most cherished principles, namely, the liberty of the subject. They further said that their trade now, owing to the doctors, science, and the spread of education, which was an enemy to dirt and drains, seldom, if ever, received a fillip from the friendly hand of an epidemic. As the absence of outdoor, and indoor, parish relief was an index to the prosperity of the country, so they declared that the falling off even in pauper funerals bore ample testimony to their languishing trade.
Thus ended this funeral oration, and it had such an effect upon the Buccaneer that what little spirits he commenced the day with had completely vanished. It seemed to him that each hour brought before him a sadder picture, and he called for the captain of his watch, for he wanted to ask him how he could reconcile what he had said about the general happiness, and prosperity of his people, with this long list of disaffection. But old Dogvane was not to be found. Some said he had only just gone round the corner for a few minutes, while others said he was on duty on board of the old Ship of State.
After a little consideration the Buccaneer made known to the undertakers how deeply he was grieved at their sad story, "But," he added, "in such things it is not well to act with indecent haste, lest some greater injury should be done. So grave do I consider the matter you have brought before me that I promise you a Royal Commission."
With voices quivering with emotion the undertakers thanked their august master for his extreme consideration, and most gracious condescension, and they said they felt sure that if their case was only laid before a Royal Commission it would certainly not be prejudiced by any undue, or indecent haste.
But now there was a great commotion going on in the crowd, and two angry women were heard abusing each other like the proverbial fish-fags. The one was called Fair Trade, the other Free Trade. These two had had a quarrel of long standing, and they never met that they did not exchange compliments. Each carried baskets, in which were various articles of merchandise. They seemed now to have a strong inclination to tear each other to pieces, and their shrill voices were heard for a considerable distance, and forced themselves upon the ears of the grand company.
"If I had my way," cried the one known as Fair Trade, "I would tear all that cheap finery of yours off your back."
"Yes," exclaimed the other, "and stick it upon your own. That costly, but sober looking homespun of yours needs something to set it off," so said Free Trade, who held up before the eyes of the people her cheap wares.
"Buy my home-made loaf," cried Fair Trade.
"Buy mine at half the price," cried Free Trade.
"Better give me double for mine," exclaimed Fair Trade, "than deal with that woman. She is bringing ruin upon us with her cheap trash. Through her our cornfields lie fallow. Through her our industries languish, and some even have passed away from us. Through her our country has been filled with idle hands, and the wolf of want has been brought to many a door."
"They don't seem to have settled their dispute yet, Jack," the Buccaneer said.
"No, sir. A few years since and nothing would do but you must lie the old bluff-bowed ship Protection up, and now some of them are always casting longing eyes at her, and their sighs of regret would fill the sails of a Seventy-Four."
"What!" cried the Buccaneer, in dismay, as he saw Poverty with her large family of ragged and half-starved children now come on to the scene. "You here again. Why I am constantly doing something for you, and my Great Hat is forever being sent round."
"And still I want," said Poverty.
"I have built you model dwellings. I have ordered all your drains to be trapped; your cesspools cleaned, and your dustbins emptied; and all your children I insist upon being sent to school, so that they may learn the efficacy of comfort and cleanliness, and learn to bear with patience their many sufferings."
"But I ask for food," persisted Poverty.
The Buccaneer now said, "I give you, my good woman, the very best of all food, namely, food for the mind."
But Poverty answered, "Why turn the lamp of knowledge into my hovel? Why teach me that while others have plenty, I am in rags, cold, and hungry. Knowledge on an empty stomach is a dangerous thing. To open my eyes is the refinement of cruelty, for ignorance, at least, dulls the edge of misery. If you cannot fill my stomach and patch up the rents in my clothes, then in pity kill me. Send me to a lethal chamber and let me revel for a brief moment in the luxury of one good meal, and let me pass into eternity without the pinching pangs of hunger."
This language shocked every one, and the feeling was still more increased, when Pity, who was standing not far off weeping, said, "Mother, if you cannot feed this poor woman and her many children; if you have no room for them, then for my sake take them to thy bosom, close their eyes, and hush them to sleep in everlasting slumber."
Poverty was chided in a gentle tone by the Buccaneer's High Church dignitaries there assembled, and prayers were said for her, and she was told that though she received stripes and lashes here, in the next world she would be rewarded, and she was bid to fix her gaze upon that region which lies beyond the grave, where the bright star of Hope is forever shining, and where there is neither hunger, cold, nor thirst.
Just as all sympathy was enlisted on the side of this poor woman a circumstance happened that changed the whole current of feeling. Suddenly a cry rose up of "Stop, thief." It was now found that while all interests were centred upon Poverty, one of her children, seeing the opportunity, slipped round, and getting unobserved upon the platform, had crawled along, in a most irreverent manner, under the legs of the Lords Spiritual, and being totally uninfluenced by the atmosphere of sanctity in which he moved, the young rascal had slipped his hand into the capacious pocket of the Buccaneer, and had taken therefrom ever so much gold and silver, while the old coxswain was found to have lost his best silk bandana.
This bold act of robbery caused a great commotion, and extreme indignation, and in trying to catch the thief, Poverty was entirely forgotten, for, of course, crime in a community is a much more serious thing than any amount of want, though one is frequently but the offspring of the other.
So indignant was the Buccaneer at this gross act of ingratitude, that directly he regained his composure, he read Poverty a lecture and told her she ought to be ashamed of herself, and that unless she took better care of her children they would be sure to fall into either the jailer's or the hangman's hands. "No wonder," he said, "that misery darkens your doors, and hunger pinches your children's stomachs. Away with you," he cried, "and learn to be honest, thrifty, industrious, and sober, for God alone helps those who help themselves."
There was a twinkle in the old coxswain's eye. He was labouring, like a ship in a gale of wind, under the influence of a joke. A joke is of such a nature that the owner of it cannot keep it in. Like murder it will out. "Master," he said, "your doctrine is a little dangerous. You scold Poverty one moment for what you bid her do the next."
"How so?"
"Why did not her young brat help himself to my bandana and to your superfluous cash?"
The expression on the Buccaneer's face at thus being trifled with, was such that old Jack, to make use of sea-faring language, bore away, and mixed amongst the crowd, just as another great hubbub arose from the regions of the disaffected. The grand court was broken up by Demos, who having collected as many as he could of the discontented had raised his standard again and was for enthroning King Mob in the Buccaneer's chair of State. With wild shouts and with flourishes of sticks and other improvised weapons, he came on and demanded a hearing, and many thought there would be just such another to-do as when the old cox'sn so gallantly defended the gorge and regained possession of the Place of Discord.
Demos now in the attitude more of a dictator than a supplicant, demanded of the Buccaneer that capital should be confiscated and divided amongst the people. That luxury should be banished. That all should be made to work for a living and that the hours of labour should be defined, limited, and enforced by law. "By nature," he said, "all are equal, and in the sight of God there is no such thing as class distinction. Every person born is born to an inheritance, and that is a right to live." Demos declared that all property must be common, and all human drones destroyed. He raised the old cry of equality, which history and even nature has proved to be an impossibility.
When the crowd heard the words of Demos there was a great shouting and clapping of hands. This comprehensive scheme somewhat frightened the upper layer of the Buccaneer's society; some of whom declared that Demos had foreign blood in his veins; that he was an alien. But Demos cried out, "No alien am I. I am as much your child as those who sit enthroned in high places. They toil not, neither do they spin, but live by the labour of other people. It is against the vampire capital, that I wage my war. That bloodsucker, which feeds upon the industries of your poorer children, who have built up for you your present greatness by the sweat of their brows and by the blood of their bodies."
"And would you, my lad, from sheer envy and hatred," cried the Buccaneer, "pull down in one day what it has taken me so many years of toil to build up? From what babbling brook have you drunk in your principles?"
"From no babbling brook," Demos exclaimed, "but from that deep spring which has been handed down to us from ages past. Did not the Great Master, whom yonder old Church Hulk professes to follow, teach us that all men before God are equal, and that all property should be held in common."
Here the High Priest of the Buccaneer rose up and said, "Our Great Master never, by either word or deed taught, or even sanctioned, robbery. On the contrary, He enjoined every man to be contented with that which he had; not to covet other men's goods. He said, give, but never take. But you are not the first who has tried to distort the Scriptures to serve your own selfish ends."
"Is it not written," said Demos, "him that taketh thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also?"
"That neither sanctions nor justifies the confiscation," replied the High Priest. "Is it not also written that the things belonging to Cæsar shall be given to Cæsar?"
"But who is Cæsar?" cried Demos. "I am no longer a boy now, to be petted and cajoled, and to be bought over by sweetmeats or a piece of cake. I have a freeman's limbs, give me then a freeman's rights."
It is not to be supposed that on so great an occasion the Buccaneer's old coxswain, Jack Commonsense, was going to remain silent, so he said, as he shoved himself to the front, for he had lost his place in the confusion brought about by the act of robbery on the part of one of Poverty's children. "Master!" he cried, "I am on in this scene. What rights, my lad," he said addressing Demos, "do you claim that you have not got, except the right of putting your hands into other people's pockets; just because your own happen to be empty or not too full? This is a robbing of Peter to pay Paul, with a vengeance."
"Who are you," said Demos, "that you should make yourself a judge over us?"
"Who am I?" quoth the coxswain. "Who am I, forsooth! It is a pity, my lad, you should have to ask the question; but there; memories the likes o' yours are always short; who am I, indeed! why I am Jack Commonsense, very much at your service, my lad, and cox'sn to the honest rover." Suddenly correcting himself, he said, as he lifted his tarpaulin in token of respect, "that is to say, Sea King, that ever ploughed the briny ocean. I have stood by my master, my lad, in fair weather and in foul, and when the stormy winds have blown, and the dark rocks and savage cliffs of danger have been upon our lee, oftentimes I have seized the helm and steered my master clear, and damme, if I will desert him now. Now listen, my lad, and all you whom it may concern, while I spin you a yarn that I picked up on the Spanish Main, ages ago. We picked up many things there, master, did we not? Dubloons and other treasures. But here's my yarn. Once upon a time, a man had five sons, and when he was dying he called them round him, and gave to each a fair share of his property, and told them to act to each other as he had acted towards them, and to have all things in common amongst themselves. But one, my lad, so the story goes, d'ye see, was a spendthrift, another was a wine bibber, while another was a glutton; the fourth was a seeker after pleasure, while the fifth was a hard working industrious and sober man. The four first named would do anything but work, and they each gave away their birthright to the fifth; the one for this thing, according to his want, the other for that, until at length the fifth son had possession of the whole patrimony; would you, my lad, were you in his place, divide, and go on dividing amongst your ne'er-do-well brothers to all eternity? Not you, or you are a greater fool than I take you to be. Where then is your community of property? Then as to your equality. That won't wash, my mates. There is no such thing as equality, for one is strong, another weak; one is swift of foot, another slow, while one has more brains than another. Why the hides of asses ain't all of a thickness, and the stick that reaches one, won't touch another; but let that fly stick to the wall, even among thieves and such like vermin, there is no equality, the strongest always getting the lion's share. Take all our master has, and lay it out before you; feast your eyes upon it; gloat over it, and then begin to divide it equally amongst yourselves, and you will be at each other's throats before you know where you are; so much for your brotherly love. Then, my mates, before you commence pulling down, you ought to decide upon what sort of a commonplace hovel you are going to build up. But the first thing you ought to do, is to turn out all the blackguards belonging to our neighbours, for we have enough of our own, and whatever right you think you may have to other people's property, foreign rapscallions can have none, and if you allow them to cry shares, you will be robbing your own honest selves. Trade will languish and die out, for there will be no security for earnings, and no emulation. Ambition, that mighty lever to human actions, will succumb. Farewell too, to art; and science even will flag for want of nourishment. As luxury is to be banished in our earthly paradise, all carriages will be put down, and all the hands employed in connection with them, will be thrown upon the market. The horses will have to be turned out to grass, and live a life of indolent ease, until they vanish from the land or are turned to a different use, for nature has decreed that nothing useless shall last. The vanities and even the luxuries of the rich furnish thousands of deserving mouths with their daily food; but all this will have to be stopped, and God alone knows who will benefit. Then I suppose you will occupy the palaces of the rich, as long as they stand, by people of one common level of social standing, and we shall sink into a nation of flats. Let that fly also stick to the wall. Then as no new mansions will be built, for want of wealth, the builders' trade will suffer, and more idle hands will be thrown on the community. Enterprise will die and one trade after another will go, and then farewell to all. The great Sea King upon whose vast empire the sun never sets; the mighty trader, the great pioneer of civilisation; he whose footprints are to be seen in every part of the universe will sink, unremembered unrespected, and unregretted into the silent tomb of the past and some stronger, and wiser people will take his place.
"Master!" cried the cox'sn turning to the bold Buccaneer, who listened with wonder to old Jack's long-winded harangue. "Master!" he cried, "this Demos is but a boy amongst us yet; he is a young colt that must be neatly bitted and ridden on the curb, or he will of a surety bolt and fling his rider into the ditch as his forebears have done before him."
Just as things were looking at their worst, the sound of music came over the water from the old Ship of State. It was Pepper, the cheery little cook, the foster father of Demos, playing a tune upon his barrel organ. The strains had a mellowing and soothing influence upon the whole company, and so what at one time bid fair to take a serious turn passed off quietly, and so ends the longest if not the dullest chapter in this eventful history.
The event recorded in the last chapter brought the grand court to a somewhat premature but fortunate conclusion. Though many grievances were made known, it is not recorded that a single one was remedied or redressed, and this perhaps was quite according to precedent.
Dogvane did not see the grand court out; but for reasons of his own, he slipped away and hastened on board of the old Ship of State, where also he found most of his watch; for as the saying is, they seemed to have smelt a rat. He called his merry men on deck. "Mates," he said, "my glass is falling; so likely enough we shall have a strong breeze blowing off shore before long, therefore haul all taught, make all snug, and look out for squalls."
The doughty cook now spoke up, like the bold and clever man that he was. "Captain," he said, "if so be that we are going to have foul weather, why not lighten the ship at once? Chuck over board a couple of dukes, or a brace of earls, or a score or so of common ordinary lords, and the old ship will ride through the storm all the better." It was wonderful, what a dislike Pepper had for the Buccaneer's Upper Chamber, and the people said there must be more in it than appeared on the face of things. Nothing the cook would have liked better than to have pickled the whole lot, when the brine would not have been wanting in strength; Billy Cheeks the burly butcher would no doubt have done all the preliminary business with pleasure, for he also had his eye upon the Buccaneer's bloated aristocracy. All this was very strange, for Billy, it was said, had the very best of blood in his veins.
Many thought that beneath the modest bearing of the cook, there lurked a great ambition, which was no other than to put on old Dogvane's cloak, boots, and collars when nature called that worthy old salt away.
When the cook suggested the lightening of the old ship, Chips the carpenter raised his axe and took up a position beside the hawser that bound the Church Hulk to the Ship of State. The butcher also drew his large knife and felt its edge, for he had quite regained his nerves, and was ready for anything. Old Dogvane smiled approvingly upon their ready zeal; but said, "Steady, my lads, steady. All in good time. No occasion to jettison any of our cargo yet, however useless it may be. You, Billy, who have some smattering of legal knowledge, can explain the meaning of the term. But again, my lads, I ask you, how you came to set that old church drum a beating? The solemn sound as you know will at all times awaken the slumbering feelings of our master. Besides, I myself am considerably affected by it. I should not see that old craft cut adrift without a pang. But see what it has done. It has thoroughly roused our master, and it has raised more devils than we probably shall be able to lay. It's ill to waken sleeping dogs, so says the proverb. The old Squire too is on the tramp, and our master is now for poking his nose into everything. The paint brush, my lads, the paint brush, is at most times better than either the hammer, or the chisel. No offence to your mate, Master Chips." It now came out that Chisel was still ashore, and absent without leave, and many thought he would not come out of it with anything less than a general court martial.
The carpenter now showed a spirit of mutiny that surprised all, and shocked both the cook and the butcher, his, at one time, friends.
"Captain!" he exclaimed, "I've served with you now for many a day, and I've served you well; but the time has come when every honest man should speak his mind. It is all very well for you to put all the blame upon our backs, but let every one bear his own burden. Why did you try the old dodge of throwing dust in our master's eyes? You know he is getting quite accustomed to that sort of thing and can see through it. Why did you tell him all those cock-and-bull stories about contentment, and all that kind of stuff, and induce the old gentleman to hold the Grand Court? Then why did you take him abroad? This it is that has raised all the dust."
"Well, Chips, my lad," cried the old captain, as he dashed a tear from his eye. "This comes hard, very hard from you. For you to turn upon me, cuts me to the very quick. Under the shadow of my wing, you have risen from a low position on board this old craft, to one of great consideration. There was much more in store for you, for I might, in time, have persuaded my master to make either a general or an admiral of you, or you may indeed have risen to be steward of his household. Only that I have a son myself who is the joy of my old age, and the very apple of my eye, and more to me than ever Joseph was to Jacob, it is possible that when I pass away my cloak would have fallen upon your shoulders."
The cook gave the butcher a look and the butcher's breathing became laboured under the weight of suppressed feeling. Old Dogvane continued his address to the carpenter: "Why did I throw dust in the old man's eyes? I am surprised that such a clever lad as you should ask such a simple question. Is it not a time-honoured custom? Have not both the watches done it for ages past? The only error I made was that the dust was not thick enough, and the old man saw through it, and there lies my mistake."
The carpenter was going to answer the captain, for his mutinous spirit was getting the better of him, but the cook seized the carpenter and led him away.
Presently the old Buccaneer was seen slowly walking down to the beach and he was pestered on every side by a swarm of cheap-Jacks of every nation. They hung about him, and as the saying is, they nearly bothered the life out of him. The poor old gentleman seemed to have suffered considerably from recent events, and the sickness of his heart was beginning to pray upon his body. With feeble steps he laboured along and hailed the old Ship of State, but his voice wanted the cheery ring of old.
"Away with you, my lads," cried Dogvane, who heard the Buccaneer's call. "Clear the decks, and each one to his post. Away, and leave the matter in my hands. I will below and look over the chart of public affairs and I will shape a course that will take us out of our difficulties or my name is not William Dogvane. I see the old gentleman has not his busy-body of a coxswain with him, so much the better for my plan. I never could hit it off with that party. Away, my lads, to your posts."
Each one did as he was told, though the carpenter grumbled; but the cook said to him: "Since when, my mate, have you learnt to change your tune?"
"That barrel organ of yours, Master Pepper, may grind away at the same old tune for ever for all I care; but I have my sticking point," said the carpenter. "At any rate I don't shilly-shally about things like old Dogvane does; but I speak out my mind like every honest man should; and look you, my little Pepper, I'm not going to be monkey-led by any man."
"Say you so," replied the cook. "That is a pity; I want a monkey for my organ, and no doubt, you would dance as well as any other."
"Not to your piping, my lad, so stow that. There is a time for all things, Master Pepper. Your jokes and jests are well enough upon a full stomach of contentment, but now they sound flat and feeble. Were I a man easily moved to mirth I might laugh perhaps to-morrow. Look you now! If our little game had come off old William would have been with us heart and soul and then the old fox would have set all sail before a full blast of public opinion, and have taken all credit to himself. But let the wind be doubtful, and he is for ever trimming as if his ship were in a constant sea of doldrums; and what is more, Pepper, he is not above flinging a messmate overboard if it suits his purpose. I'm weary, my lad, of the company I am sailing in."
"Ship of State ahoy!" came from the shore, and interrupted the carpenter's grumblings. A slight breeze came off the land and shook the shrouds. "Make all taught," cried old Dogvane, "and pipe the pinnace away. I see the cox'sn has put in an appearance after all. I wonder what the devil he wants. I begin to think he is an office-seeker and a place-hunter like the rest of the world." Having said this, Dogvane disappeared below.
Presently the old Buccaneer appeared on board. Not a soul was to be seen. "What!" he cried; "no one on deck. What ho! below there!"
No answer came. He passed by the cook's galley as he went to take a look forward. The cook could be heard reading out the following receipt: "Take one reputation of good social position and pull well to pieces, add one pound of garbage, two ounces of gall and one quart of vinegar, season well with salt and pepper, stew, stir and skim, and serve up when ready."
"A savoury dish that, Master Jack," said the Buccaneer to his coxswain, who replied that at such things the cook of the Starboard Watch had not an equal, and at a dish of scandal he could scarcely be beaten. The Buccaneer, having taken a turn round, came to the after part of the ship, and there he saw old Dogvane with his head just above the after companionway. "Who calls?" he asked in the most innocent manner possible.
"Who calls!" cried the Buccaneer, "and is this the way you look after my affairs? not a soul on deck!"
"Not a soul on deck, sir!" exclaimed Dogvane, in surprise; "then everyone must of a certainty be below." By this time many of the crew had put in an appearance and were busy working away at their respective duties. Chips, having got the better of his fit of ill temper, sang as he worked the following song: