People sunning themselves on deck.
THURSDAY.Course—straight ahead.Weather—clear.Wind—same.Sea—same.Ship’s Run—same.
Remarks:The crew continue scrubbing the decks. They did it in the rainy weather, and now it’s just the same. This ship etiquette is a nuisance.—I’m up in the air about my two tadpoles. I don’t know what has become of them. Found two frogs in their cage. I don’t know where they came from either. Perhaps they ate my two pollywogs. Now I have four frogs and no tadpoles.—We have thrown overboard 1,119,111 microbes to date. I only need two of each kind.—I’m getting prouder of my animals every day. I have the finest collection in captivity.—The back of my neck is blistered.—Had a bad scare today. Saw what we thought was a periscope but found it was only one of Mrs. Noah’s ear trumpets which had fallen overboard.
FRIDAY.Course—straight ahead.Weather—clear.Wind—same.Sea—same.Ship’s Run—same.
Remarks:We tried to give the ichthyosaurus quadriscessus an airing. She made the ship list so badly we had to drive her back to the steerage.—Guess the second officer fell asleep on the bridge. He did not call me for my watch.—The ladies always want to come up on the bridge when I am there. I had to take them through the Ark today. Mrs. Ham made some sarcastic remarks. She said she had frequently crossed on more luxurious vessels. That may be, but she never had a trip like this. These women are a perfect nuisance, but a captain has to be polite.—Walked around deck 16 times.
The icthyosuarus nearly tips the Ark.
SATURDAY.Course—straight ahead.Weather—same.Wind—same.Sea—same.Ship’s Run—same.
Remarks:Today we sprinkled a barrel of eau de cologne in the steerage and second cabin.—Posed again for my picture. Mrs. Shem promises to send me one if it is good.—Had the ladies in my cabin for tea. They asked many questions about my experiences at sea. I told them a few old yarns. Gave them all my autograph.—If those potato-bugs don’t soon lose their appetites we will run out of spuds.—Walked around deck 10 times.—Bath.
Noah poses for a picture, holding the anchor.
SUNDAY.Course—straight ahead.Weather—same.Wind—same.Sea—same.Ship’s Run—same.
Remarks:Services. I have a hard time getting the men to church this clear weather.—Put on my Sunday clothes today. It’s a nuisance to dress in these little staterooms. Every time I change my robes I have to pull the trunk from under the bunk, and then the things I want are usually in the trunks in the hold.—These women ask me so many foolish questions. I have to explain the machinery, the charts, and tell them how I run the Ark. They pester the life out of me with “What is this?” and “What is that for?” If they bother me tomorrow I’m going to hide.—Walked around the deck eight times.—We have prunes every Sunday night for supper.
WASHDAY.Course—straight ahead.Weather—same.Wind—same.Sea—same.Ship’s Run—same.
Remarks:Women folks down below washing. I was awfully lonely all day.—Now that the wireless is out of commission the ladies are using the wires for a clothes line.—Ham says the moles are burrowing in the coal.—The goats nearly ate the fish-worms’ pan.—The two mules with the tiger’s skin are overeating.—Still painting the Ark.—The laundry on this ship is miserable. My collars are like saws.—I’m getting corns on my hands from steering.—Walked around deck five times.
The Ark with washing hanging between the masts.
TUESDAY.Course—straight ahead.Weather—same.Wind—same.Sea—same.Ship’s Run—same.
Remarks:One of the bulldogs buried his bone in the coal. He wouldn’t let Ham go near the bunkers. If I hadn’t gone down cellar and chased him back to his kennel the Ark would have stopped. Ham is a big coward to be afraid of a little bulldog.—Was shocked this afternoon. Found the women folks in the smoke room holding a suffrage powwow. These women will want to run everything some day. I can remember the time when they knew where they belonged. I haven’t any use for these modern notions.
I’m tired writing all this dope about the course, weather, etc. I’m going to quit it even if I lose my job. Besides, I’m running out of stone and my chisels are getting dull.
WEDNESDAY.Course—I forgot, I’m not going to write that any more.
Remarks:Spent the morning writing letters.—Shem called my attention to the fact that I call the right hand side of the Ark the right side, and the left hand side the left side. He says I should say “port” for the port side, and “starboard” for the starboard side—or something like that. He seems to forget this is my first flood and I’m liable to make a few mistakes.—Ham dressed up the girl monkey, and took out the hand-organ. He thought I would give him some shekels, but he was mistaken.
noah posing with a bear.
THURSDAY.
Remarks:Wish the hen would lay more than one egg a day. We take turns eating it for breakfast. Eight days is a long time to wait. I’m going to suggest omelets.—Shem propounded a good one tonight. He asked why a hen crosses the boulevard. I laughed so hard it hurt.—Mrs. Shem took my picture again today.—Four of the seven kittens each found seven more kittens.—Moved the bookworms from the hold to Mrs. Noah’s cook book. They ought to find something they like in it.—The ravens make a lot of noise at night. I would choke them, only I need one later.—Mrs. Noah brings Yorick into the dining-room at meal time. I never did like to see people feed pets at the table.—One of the fleas is lost.
Everyone watches Noah eat the egg.
FRIDAY.
Remarks:We had our dance tonight. It was a glorious success. I’m all out of breath, and dead tired now. I danced through my birthday dancing sandals. We decorated the deck with flags and Japanese lanterns, and sprinkled candle grease on the dance floor to make it glide. Shem and Mrs. Japheth were the orchestra. I had eleven dances with Mrs. Shem, and only stepped on her feet twice and her dress once. Ham is a rough dancer. He bumped my partner.—Mrs. Noah wore a new gown. I did not think it was becoming because it was cut toodécolleté. I don’t see why these old women like to look so young.
Mr. and Mrs. Japheth did one of those new dances. I forget what they call it—something about a turkey. Rather unedifying I thought. If there had been any ministers around, I bet they would have passed resolutions.—We danced the minuet seventy times, and the Sir Roger de Coverley twenty. I was mixed up once in awhile because I hadn’t danced some of those dances for over 300 years.—We didn’t have any Egyptian dances.
“We had our dance tonight”
“We had our dance tonight”
SATURDAY.
Remarks:Had our only real catastrophe today. I’m broken hearted. I’m weeping now. I took the two unicorns out on deck for exercise. They insisted on climbing along the gunwale. They liked nothing better. I was afraid they would fall overboard. They did. It took Ham a long time to stop the Ark. He forgot which levers to pull. When we got back to the place where the unicorns fell overboard there was nothing to be seen but bubbles. The poor dears couldn’t swim. It was the saddest moment in my life. Shem says it may all be for the best because they were only good for designs on escutcheons and coats of arms. I take great comfort in his words, but I am afraid people will always say that unicorns were a myth. All the flags are at half-mast.—Something is making me scratch. I notice some red spots on my person.—Took my bath.
SUNDAY.Wireless Report—Shem says there’s no fun using the wireless unless you can talk to somebody.
Remarks:Services this morning. I am tired of preaching. Wish there had been some good ministers.—The candles are giving out. Was struck with a bright idea. Took the two lightning bugs and put them in a wine bottle. Hung it from the chandelier. Great success.—House-cleaned the aquarium this afternoon. I can’t see why the white fish don’t get along with the smoked herring.—Mrs. Noah located that flea.
Noah and Mrs. Noah.
MONDAY.
Remarks:We played charades tonight. Ham and his wife came as Adam and Eve. We guessed them in a minute. Japheth put on a suit of my robes, and came as me. I guessed him by the beard. Mrs. Noah was an Egyptian princess, who fell in love with some foreigners. I forget her name. Mrs. Japheth appeared as a Chaldean suffragette. We gave her up until she smashed a few portholes.
I came disguised with a lantern. Walked around the deck looking for someone. They couldn’t guess me. Then I went up to a looking-glass and shook hands with myself. They couldn’t even guess me after that. Afterwards, Ham said he thought I was Diogenes but I threw him off the scent when I shook hands with myself.
TUESDAY.
Remarks:Mrs. Ham wants me to give her the feathers of the birds of paradise if they die.—Ham played a mean trick on me today. While I was on the bridge he ran up and said somebody wanted me on the telephone. I was half-way down the ladder before I tumbled.—Mrs. Shem made candy this afternoon. She gave me a whole pan to myself. I do like that woman.—Mrs. Noah wishes there were some other women on the Ark to talk about.—Gave the apple worms a fresh apple.—Caught Ham fishing in the gold-fish bowl.
Ham fishing in the goldfish bowl.
WEDNESDAY.
Remarks:Spent the morning tacking a screen around the two spider-webs to keep the flies from bothering the poor bugs.—Fed the moths the last piece of brussels carpet today.—Those two sphinxes haven’t eaten a single thing on the voyage. I’ve read somewhere they only eat mummies.
Noah feeds a mummy to the sphinxes.
THURSDAY.
Remarks:Nothing happened today.
Noah snoozing on deck.
FRIDAY.
Remarks:We’re almost over the equator. Quite warm. Wish we had brought some electric fans.—That moose of mine has a dandy pair of antlers. I’d like to have them for a hat-rack.—Yorick scratched up the flower box. Mrs. Noah never said a word. If one of my animals had done that, I never would have heard the end of it.—It beats me where all these kittens are coming from. Put the canaries in the safe.
Noah places the canaries in the safe.
SATURDAY.
Remarks:Made inventory of cargo. All present. It’s a grand sight to see them all lined up. It’s a wonder I can remember all their names. I do get mixed on the Latin pronunciation occasionally, but the family never notice it. Anyway, I can’t see the use of giving a fly such a high-faluting name as “musca domestica.”—The women folks make a lot of fuss over the peacocks. They’re too fancy for me. I like something plain like a hippopotamus.—It might be a good plan to catalogue these animals while I have them all together. But I’m not a zoölogist. I’m a shipbuilder and navigator.—My day to eat the egg.—Slipped Mrs. Noah’s muff into the moths’ den. It ought to make good pasture for them.—Took my bath.
SUNDAY.Wireless Report—Do your Christmas shopping early.
Remarks:Services.—We’re over India. It’s a shame we are so close to these interesting places and can’t see them.—Shem says we are nearer the horizon today than any time on the cruise.—Ham can’t see any use in hanging up the red and green lights at night. As long as I’m captain I’m going to run the Ark according to the rules. Who ever heard of an Ark at sea without lights?—No ice-cream for dinner today. The freezer is broken.—Mrs. Noah found her muff. She was furious.
MONDAY.
Remarks:Can’t understand two little birds among my specimens. They roost in the top of the clock. Every once in awhile they come out and holler “coo-coo.” I have tried everything to make them eat. They don’t like bird-seed. Now, I’m tempting them with worms.—Took Mrs. Noah’s boa to the moths’ den. I was caught. She won’t talk to me now. That woman is heartless. She wouldn’t care if the dear animals starved to death. I’ll have to feed them blotting paper.—Repaired the freezer.
Noah looking at the cuckoo clocks.
TUESDAY.
Remarks:We can’t keep the fox terrier away from talking machine.
A dog listening to a phonograph.
WEDNESDAY.
Remarks:Had all the creeping things out for exercise. The deck was quite alive. I have made pets of all the animals on the Ark with the exception of some of these. Take the St. Vitus dance microbes for instance—they are entirely too unsympathetic for me. I don’t care much for the snakes either. They are the things that got my great-great-great-great-grandmother into trouble. One of the grasshoppers tried to jump overboard.—Japh, Ham and their wives sit too late in the smoke room. Those children ought to go to bed early.—Mrs. Shem says the Noah family eats so much the pigs are getting thin.—Seven more kittens today.
Seven jars with home remedies.
THURSDAY.
Remarks:One of the megatheriums presented her husband with a little, seventy-five foot daughter. We’re too crowded as it is. Shem and I fed her a couple of barrels of chloroform, and then threw it overboard. It will make a fine fossil for some museum.—Mrs. Noah gave a progressive bridge tonight. I had to go. I don’t see why one can’t sit at the same table all evening. Still, the moving keeps me awake. Mrs. Shem won a stamp album, and Ham got a chafing-dish.
The skunks being towed behind the Ark.
FRIDAY.
Remarks:Posed again for my picture.—Yorick has eaten all the Spratt’s biscuits.—Dropped one of the clay pigeons, but did not break him.—Spent morning whitewashing the chicken coop.—Fourteen more kittens today.—Passed several floatingVerbotensigns. We must be over Germany. Mrs. Ham had to tell us all about her travels in that country.—There’s a little hundred-footer in the thousand-legger bunk.
Noah with a back scratcher.
SATURDAY.
Remarks:Mrs. Japheth made afaux pasthis morning. She shouted, “Ship ahoy.” We all ran to the railing and looked. She insisted she saw smoke beyond the horizon. If there’s anything to be seen the man on the lookout ought to see it first.—I spend a good deal of time on the bridge these days. We are in the path of the liners and I don’t want a collision. But I guess we won’t sink. We have twelve rats aboard.—Bath.
Two storks.
“Feeding time in the steerage”
“Feeding time in the steerage”
SUNDAY.
Remarks:One of the bats broke up church. The women crawled under the pews when we began the chase. Ham smashed a mirror. He’ll have seven years’ bad luck. I finally hit the bird with a tennis racket, and chased him back to his cage. I don’t know, but I believe Ham let him out. I had a good sermon for today, too. I was going to tell the congregation about the sins of the world. They’ll get that sermon yet.—The cook says we are running out of provisions. Our water supply is still good.—My day for the egg.—We’re crossing the Ægean Sea. Mrs. Ham had to tell us about her last voyage.—Going to have a mock trial tomorrow.
MONDAY.
Remarks:Had the mock trial tonight. I was arrested on the charge of cruelty to animals. Mrs. Noah swore out the warrant. Japheth was the cop, and Ham the prosecuting attorney. Mrs. Noah was the first witness. She told the court I made the bats sleep upside down, that I wouldn’t let the mock turtles mock, and that I put sawdust in the bran I fed the megatherium cubieri. Mrs. Ham then took the stand and declared I never opened the sardine cans before I fed them to the whales, that I threw my sandle-jack at the cats, and knocked the stuffin’ out of the teddybears. Mrs. Japheth testified I put the chameleon on the crazy-quilt, and that I never cleaned the leopards. Of course, I didn’t do any of these things, but I do wish I had taken a punch at Yorick.
Mrs. Shem was my witness. She said I had been a member of the S. P. C. A. from infancy, that I was a couple of pillars of the temple, that I had done my best to make the bats roost like a regular chicken, and that she had frequently seen me trying to clean the spots off the leopards with benzine. Shem was my lawyer. He declared the accusations were pure blackmail, and that I was too young to be so cruel. The firstwitness, he said, showed her incompetence by pronouncing “megatherium cubieri,” “megatherium cubieri” and not “megatherium cubieri.” The other witnesses were all in the pay of the animal trust, according to my attorney, and as far as the chameleon charge was concerned he produced evidence to show the bugs like nothing better than a crazy-quilt to display their talents. In ending his speech, Shem said I was the greatest animal keeper who ever lived, and that it would be a blot on ancient history should I be convicted. I was unanimously acquitted by the jury.
Noah with a kangaroo.
TUESDAY.
Remarks:Spent morning in the monkey fo’csle. I’d hate to think I was a descendant of theirs. I once asked grandpa about that story. He said he had talked it over with his grandmother. She told him grandpa Adam often declared the fabrication to be a deliberate lie.—I don’t know what to do with the Ark after we land. Perhaps I can sell it to some curiosity or second-hand dealer.—The crane stood on his other leg today.—I felt sorry for the bugs in the hold, so I put an ark light down there.
A horde of cats at night.
WEDNESDAY.
Remarks:Christmas must be coming. Mrs. Noah has stopped complaining. She says I am looking so young. Mrs. Ham warmed my slippers tonight. Ham is really working.—A litter of pigs came aboard. Pigs is pigs. Anyway, they are more practical than kittens. It’s against my principles to eat pork, so we are going to make them into sausage.—Ham hopes the oysters have little ones. He says he would enjoy a good oyster-stew.—Put on my diver’s suit this afternoon, and went overboard to see if my two barnacles were still on the keel. They were.
“Went overboardto see if my twobarnacles werestill on the keel”
“Went overboardto see if my twobarnacles werestill on the keel”
THURSDAY.
Remarks:The night before Christmas. Everybody hung their stockings before the fireplace. Ham wanted me to play Santa, and climb down the funnel. I knew if I did he would pile on more coal. The family couldn’t do enough for me tonight.—I finally decided to play Santa Claus. Dressed up like a real toy-store Kriss Kringle. We had a jolly good time in the cabin. Decorated the tree, and hung some mistletoe from the chandelier. I caught Mrs. Shem several times. Mrs. Noah had to get jealous, and sat under it.
I don’t think they would have known who I was if my beard had not caught fire. Everybody lost their heads. The girls fainted. The boys ran for the fire buckets. I finally got a fire-extinguisher going, but the thing was so old-fashioned several inches of whiskers were burned before I put out the flames.
“Several inches of whiskers were burned”
“Several inches of whiskers were burned”
FRIDAY.
Remarks:Christmas—peace on earth, good will to men. Up early to see what was in my stocking. We had a family gathering in the saloon this morning. Received the most original presents. Mrs. Ham gave me some cigars (haven’t smoked any yet) and a pink lounging jacket. The family gave me: handkerchiefs, a stick pin, Christmas cards, another red tie, slippers, a knitted shirt, and a pair of skates. Ham gave me subscriptions to several magazines. I gave Mrs. Noah a handsome pair of anklets, and a cut-glass salad bowl. Gave Japheth his first razor. He’s only 82 and hasn’t much of a beard. I gave the ladies the regular Christmas presents.
When I was a child I enjoyed Christmas more than I do now. It’s too expensive for a man with a family as large as mine. People do give such inappropriate presents. I never looked well in a red necktie.—Had a real plum-pudding for dinner, but I think the plums were prunes.—Oh! yes, I did not get my egg today. They made eggnog out of it.—We opened a barrel of candy.—I’m glad the day is over.
SATURDAY.
Remarks:Lit a Christmas cigar. I never heard one spatter as much when it hit the water. The slippers pinch my feet.—Yorick walked in my way today. I gave him a kick. Mrs. Noah saw me. She jawed me and said I had to stop kicking her pet around.—Mrs. Ham complained to the captain that Mrs. Shem and Mrs. Japheth keep taking her steamer chair. I told her she would have to see the deck steward about it.—I wish Ham would work more and draw less.—Took my bath.
SUNDAY.
Remarks:I would like to see a newspaper.—Those two Texas steers are mighty interesting. Just to think what a big trust their descendants will figure in.—The poor guineapigs caught their tails in the machinery today. Now, they will have to go through the generations tailless.—Tried to smoke another Christmas cigar while promenading the deck with Mrs. Noah. How we men do suffer for our wives’ sake. Accidentally dropped it overboard.—We’re sailing up the Jordan River. Of course, Mrs. Ham told us all about her last trip. That woman has travelled a bit, and continually says, “When I was here the last time,” or “When I was here before.” It is vulgar to talk like that. These old travellers are pests.—Hurrah! the prunes are all gone.
WASHDAY.
Remarks:Brought one of the Balaam trick donkeys on deck. Ham had a terrible tumble. They wanted me to ride him, but I thought it would be undignified.—Band concert tonight. I was the audience. The music caused such a disturbance down in the hold that the band had to quit. I never was so grateful to those animals before.—We’re going about ¼ of a knot an hour. I wonder if an ark ever will be built to go as fast as one knot.—There’s another little rattle in the rattlers’ box.—Ham took our pictures today.
Taking a group photo on deck.
WEDNESDAY.
Remarks:Stopped all last night on account of a fog. I’m not taking any chances with the Ark.—Gave the elephants an extra peanut today. Japheth raised Cain with me. He’s a regular Scotchman.—This afternoon we took Jumbo out, and gave the ladies a ride. It looked like a circus parade. Wish I had a motion picture of it.—We also had the races on deck. The boys ran a marathon. I lost interest—too long. Afterwards I won the potato race.
Riding on the elephant.
THURSDAY. December 31,b.c.2349.
Remarks:It’s tomorrow now. We all sat around watching the old year out, and the new year in. At eight bells—midnight—the Ark whistles began to blow. The family jumped up on the tables, waved flags and blew horns. Shem opened a bottle of wine.—This is pretty late for me to be up, but I like a party once in awhile. I haven’t had one since the Ark was christened.
FRIDAY. January 1,b.c.2348.
Remarks:Wished everybody a happy yom kippur.—Am going to turn over some new leaves today. Resolved to stop allowing Mrs. Noah to run the Ark, to abandon wine, and swear off swearing. I am also going to keep a diary.—We had some fine stewed rabbit for supper.—Received a few New Year cards.—I am glad I have resolved to abstain from wine. In this antiquity there is little comfort in becoming inebriated. And, then, I don’t like that feeling I have in my head the morning after. It would be a blessing to humanity if someone would invent a remedy for that pain. I use a towel and ice water. Yes, I’m going to stop, and set a good example to my offspring.
SATURDAY.
Remarks:The iguanodon bernissartensis laid an egg. We thought the Ark had run aground when she cackled. The crew and I rolled it on the scales, but it was too heavy to weigh. Ham wanted his mother to make an omelet. I decided, however, to throw it overboard for fear the thing might hatch. It made a fine big splash.—Passed a school of drowned fish.—Cut myself this morning while shaving. I’m going to purchase a safety razor as soon as I get into port.—Passed over Paris. Poor girls.
The Ark sails though a sea of debris.
MONDAY.
Remarks:Entertainment tonight. Pretty dull affair except for my number which was the feature of the evening. Brought up one of the lions, and made him go through all his stunts—jump through rings, growl at me, etc. Then I had the seals. They are very slippery for trainers, but I made them juggle a flaming torch and balance balls on their noses. Did a lot of other circus tricks, too. Ended my performance with a grand display of the elephant. Let him carry me about, walk over me, and stand on a wash-tub and beg. I do love to crack that whip.—Mrs. Ham gave a lyre solo. She struck several false notes.—Mrs. Japheth sang “Auld Lang Syne.”—Ham did a hornpipe.—Shem recited a poem which he dedicated to me. It was so full of sentiment I’m going to learn it by heart even if I’m not much of a hand at poetry.—Mrs. Noah took up a collection for the wives of the seamen.—I don’t like these ship entertainments. I’d rather see a musical comedy with a good-looking choir any day.
“My number was the feature of the evening”
“My number was the feature of the evening”
WEDNESDAY.
Remarks:Today Mrs. Ham told us about a steamer where they had a daily newspaper. I decided to publish one. Made Shem the editor-in-chief, Japheth the printer, Mrs. Ham the society editor, and Ham the cartoonist. First copy is to come from press tomorrow.—We have another camel and a wee ichthyosaurus burgundii.—One of the crickets has a sore chirp.
Cartoon of Shem and Noah.
THURSDAY.
Remarks:First edition of our paper came out today. We call it theDiluvian Times. Price ½ shekel. Sold seven copies. Ham had a cartoon in it of Shem. It was the funniest thing I ever saw.—Played solitaire tonight to kill time.—The mock turtles have a baby mock turtle.—Am glad our paper is such a success.
FRIDAY.
Remarks:TheDiluvian Timeswas again for sale at the news-stand. Ham’s cartoon of Mrs. Noah made me roar. That boy certainly is clever with his chisel. Mrs. Noah was greatly offended. I don’t see why.—Twins arrived at the oyster headquarters.—Twelve more kittens today.—The German eagle and the British lion are always growling at each other.—Tonight I sat around reading the paper.
SATURDAY.
Remarks:Ham’s cartoon of Japheth was capital in today’sDiluvian Times. I laugh every time I think of it.—The flies are becoming a nuisance. They have occupied all the fly-paper. I love my two pet flies, but I don’t like their descendants.—Another rhino today. I boxed up the storks.
Noah boxing up the storks.
MONDAY.
Remarks:There wasn’t a yesterday. We reached the spot in the ocean where we captains have to forget a day. I don’t know where the 24 hours go. If I were a younger man I would organize an expedition to come out here and try to find them. Pushed all the sun-dials a whole day ahead.—There’s a cartoon of me in today’sDiluvian Times. That impertinent Ham did it. I didn’t see anything funny in it. Some people always spoil everything.
TUESDAY.
Remarks:NoDiluvian Timestoday. I prohibited the publication.—Spent the morning explaining the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 bells to Mrs. Noah and my daughters-in-law. They were very thick-headed.—Mrs. Noah broke her curling iron today. I made her another out of a piece of pipe.—The premium on my life insurance came due today. It was the first time in 479 years I’ve let it lapse.—We have a little Yorick. Mrs. Noah makes a lot of fuss over the puppy.
The iguanodon with her baby.
WEDNESDAY.
Remarks:Roof began to crack.—We let the microbes play in the smoke room this morning. Had quite a time getting them back in their respective cages.—That boy Shem is clever. He is a great comfort to me. He is fond of astronomy. It may come in handy after the fortieth. He’s fond of animals, too. He taught the rabbits to sit up on their hind legs.—One of the lap dogs has the colic.
Shem teaching a rabbit to sit.
The Engine Room
The Engine Room
THURSDAY.
Remarks:The elephant walked on my corn. By Jove, it did hurt. I wouldn’t have minded it if he had stepped on my other foot, but—oh!—that corn.—The alligators were homesick today. Ham painted some swamp scenery for them. That is about the first useful thing he has done on the whole trip.—My back tooth still hurts and we’re a long way from a good dentist. Tried the hot-water bag, seven poultices, and Mrs. Ham’s faith cure. Still it throbs.
FRIDAY.
Remarks:Made up my mind I would get rid of that tooth. Thought of a fine home-made-dentist plan to pull it. Tied one end of a string to the tooth and the other to the handle of my stateroom door. I wanted somebody to open the door, and then the tooth would fly out. Sat there all day, but no one came in. Tonight I opened the door and found some practical joker had tacked up a “no admittance” sign. I’ll bet it was Ham.
Noah with his bad tooth tied to a doorknob.
SATURDAY.
Remarks:Pulled that tooth today sailor fashion. Tied the other end of the string to the anchor, and hung on to the mast while Shem threw it overboard. Thought it would pull the mast up by the roots. I don’t care, I have fifteen teeth left, but it just dawned on me—I lost that anchor.
Noah with his bad tooth tied to the anchor.
SUNDAY.
Remarks:100th day of voyage.—Services. I preached about the dangers young people encounter in large cities. Hope the congregation remember my warnings.—Tonight I overheard the officers talking. Ham said there was not much fun working for the governor as I didn’t pay him anything. He wanted to know how he could bring up a family on those wages. Shem took my part and said I might leave him something in my will. Japheth reminded Ham his expenses were next to nothing, and that he had plenty to eat. He thought the Noah boys ought to make a fortune after we land because labor will be so cheap.
Ham said he was going in for politics, and then he would be sure of his fortune. Japheth said he would like to start a bank. Shem declared he only would succeed as a professor in some college.—My, I wish one of my sons would be a lawyer or a doctor. It gives distinction to the family. I’m glad I haven’t any daughters. All a woman thinks about is getting married, and I’d have a hard time finding good husbands for them.
MONDAY.
Remarks:Mrs. Shem and I beat Japheth and Mrs. Japheth at deck shuffleboard. Score 100 to 97. Mrs. Ham and Shem challenged us. I like to play that game. It’s fun pushing those stone checkers along the deck.—The boa constrictor peeled himself today.—Mrs. Ham wants the tiger skins to make rugs. I told her she could have them if the animals died, but I’m not going to let them die.—Engineer complains the crows are all the time in the engine room. He’s afraid they will get mixed up in the machinery. Hunted around the Ark and found some old clothes and ordered him to make a scarecrow.
The crows encounter a scarecrow.
TUESDAY.
Remarks:Ham is positively useless as an engineer. During the second watch I saw a snag ahead. I signalled “stop” to the engineer. Ham came up from the engine room and wanted to know why. We hit that snag. I’ll never let him engineer me through another flood.—Exercised the lobsters. Something must be wrong with their differential gears. They only walk backwards.—Hoisted the sails to help the coal.
WEDNESDAY.
Remarks:Shem and Mrs. Ham beat Mrs. Shem and me at shuffleboard today. Score 100 to 23. They did not play fair. They always waited till the Ark was steady before they shuffled. Broke my monocle while playing.—A little mammoth came aboard. Boxed up the storks again.—After tea the ladies patched the sails.—The male missing-link is down with the gout. Spent evening looking at the family album.