ContentsFourth Slice

'Well, if this isn't too bad,' shouted Bill, enraged. 'What d'you mean, comin' along in this unexpected way without bein' disguised?'

'No, no,' sang out the Possum. 'No disguises to-day.'

'No fighting, either,' said the Wombat.

'No disguises, no fighting, and no puddin'-stealing,'said the Possum. 'Nothing but the fairest and most honourable dealings.'

'If you ain't after our Puddin', what are you after?' demanded Bill.

'We're after bringing you a present in this bag,' said the Possum.

'Absurd,' said Bill. 'Puddin'-thieves don't give presents away.'

'Don't say that, Bill,' said the Possum, solemnly. 'If you only knew what noble intentions we have, you'd be ashamed of them words.'

'You'd blush to hear your voice a-utterin' of them,' said the Wombat.

'I can't make this out at all,' said Bill, scratching his head. 'The idea of a puddin'-thief offering a man a present dumbfounds me, as the saying goes.'

'No harm is intended,' said the Possum, and the Wombat added: 'Harm is as far from our thoughts as from the thoughts of angels.'

'Well, well,' said Bill, at length. 'I'll just glance at it first, to see what it's like.'

But the Possum shook his head. 'No, no, Bill,' he said, 'no glancing,' and the Wombat added: 'To prove that no deception is intended, all heads must look in the bag together.'

'What's to be done about this astoundin' predicament?' said Bill. 'If there is a present, of course we may as well have it. If there ain't a present, of coursewe shall simply have to punch their snouts as usual.'

'One must confess,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'to the prompting of a certain curiosity as to the nature of this present'; and Sam added, 'Anyway, there's no harm in having a look at it.'

'No harm whatever,' said the Possum, and he held the bag open invitingly. The Puddin'-owners hesitated a moment, but the temptation was too strong, and they all looked in together. It was a fatal act. The Possum whipped the bag over their heads, the Wombat whipped a rope round the bag, and there they were, helpless.

The worst of it was that the Puddin', being too short to look in, was left outside, and the puddin'-thieves grabbed him at once and ran off like winking. To add to the Puddin'-owners' discomfiture there was a considerable amount of bran in the bag; and, as Bill said afterwards, 'if there's anything worse than losing a valuable Puddin', it's bran in the whiskers'. They bounded and plunged about, but soon had to stop that on account of treading on each other's toes—especiallySam's, who endured agonies, having no boots on.

'What a frightful calamity,' groaned Bill giving way to despair.

'It's worse than being chased by natives on the Limpopo River,' said Sam.

'It's worse than fighting Arabs single-handed,' croaked Bill.

'It's almost as bad as being pecked on the head by eagles,' said Sam, and in despair they sang in muffled tones—

'O what a fearful fate it is,O what a frightful fag,To have to walk about like thisAll tied up in a bag.'Our noble confidence has sentUs on this fearful jag;In noble confidence we bentTo look inside this bag.'Deprived of air, in dark despairUpon our way we drag;Condemned for evermore to wearThis frightful, fearsome bag.'

'O what a fearful fate it is,O what a frightful fag,To have to walk about like thisAll tied up in a bag.

'Our noble confidence has sentUs on this fearful jag;In noble confidence we bentTo look inside this bag.

'Deprived of air, in dark despairUpon our way we drag;Condemned for evermore to wearThis frightful, fearsome bag.'

Bunyip Bluegum reproved this faint-heartedness, saying, 'As our misfortunes are due to exhibiting too great a trust in scoundrels, so let us bear them with the greater fortitude. As in innocence we fell, so let our conduct in this hour of dire extremity be guided by the courageous endurance of men whose consciences are free from guilt.'

These fine words greatly stimulated the others, and they endured with fortitude, walking on Sam's feet for an hour and a half, when the sound of footsteps apprised them that a traveller was approaching.

This traveller was a grave, elderly dog named Benjimen Brandysnap, who was going to market with eggs. Seeing three people walking in a bag he naturally supposed they were practising for the sports, but on hearing their appeals for help he very kindly undid the rope.

'Preserver,' exclaimed Bill, grasping him by the hand.

'Noble being,' said Sam.

'Guardian angel of oppressed Puddin'-owners,' said Bunyip Bluegum.

Benjimen was quite overcome by these expressions ofesteem, and handed round eggs, which were eaten on the spot.

'And now,' said Bill, again shaking hands with their preserver, 'I am about to ask you a most important question. Have you seen any puddin'-thieves about this mornin'?'

'Puddin'-thieves,' said Benjimen. 'Let me see. Now that you mention it, I remember seeing two puddin'-thieves at nine-thirty this morning. But they weren't stealing puddin's. They were engaged stealing a bag out of my stable. I was busy at the time whistling to the carrots, or I'd have stopped them.'

'This is most important information,' said Bill. 'It proves this must be the very bag they stole. In what direction did the scoundrels go, friend, after stealing your bag?'

'As I was engaged at the moment feeding the parsnips, I didn't happen to notice,' said Benjimen. 'But at this season puddin'-thieves generally go south-east, owing to the price of onions.'

'In that case,' said Bill, 'we shall take a course north-west, for it's my belief that havin' stolen our Puddin' they'll make back to winter quarters.'

'We will pursue to the north-west with the utmost vigour,' said Bunyip.

'Swearin' never to give in till revenge has been inflicted and our Puddin' restored to us,' said Bill.

'In order to exacerbate our just anger,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'let us sing as we go—

'On a terrible quest we run north-west,In a terrible rage we run;With never a rest we run north-westTill our terrible work is done.Without delayAway, away,In a terrible rage we run all day.'By our terrible zest you've doubtless guessedThat vengeance is our work;For we seek the nest with terrible zestWhere the puddin'-snatchers lurk.With rage, with gloom,With fret and fume,We seek the puddin'-snatchers' doom.'

'On a terrible quest we run north-west,In a terrible rage we run;With never a rest we run north-westTill our terrible work is done.Without delayAway, away,In a terrible rage we run all day.

'By our terrible zest you've doubtless guessedThat vengeance is our work;For we seek the nest with terrible zestWhere the puddin'-snatchers lurk.With rage, with gloom,With fret and fume,We seek the puddin'-snatchers' doom.'

They ran north-west for two hours without seeing a sign of the puddin'-thieves. Benjimen ran with them to exact revenge for the theft of his bag. It was hot work running, and having no Puddin' they couldn't have lunch, but Benjimen very generously handed eggs all round again.

'Eggs is all very well,' said Bill, eating them in despair, 'but they don't come up to Puddin' as a regular diet, and all I can say is, that if that Puddin' ain't restored soon I shall go mad with grief.'

'I shall go mad with rage,' said Sam, and they both sang loudly—

'Go mad with grief or mad with rage,It doesn't matter whether;Our Puddin's left this earthly stage,So in despair we must engageTo both go mad together.'

'I have a suggestion to make,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'which will at once restore your wonted good-humour. Observe me.'

He looked about till he found a piece of board, and wrote this notice on it with his fountain pen—

This he hung on a tree. 'Now,' said he, 'all that remains to be done is to hide behind this bush. The news of the procession will spread like wildfire through the district, and the puddin'-thieves, unable to resist such a spectacle, will come hurrying to view the procession. The rest will be simply a matter of springing out on them like lions.'

'Superbly reasoned,' said Bill, grasping Bunyip by the hand.

They all hid behind the bush and a crow, who happened to be passing, read the sign and flew off at once to spread the news through the district.

In fifteen minutes, by Bill's watch, the puddin'-thieves came running down the road, and took up a position on a stump to watch the procession. They had evidently been disturbed in the very act of eatingPuddin', for the Possum was still masticating a mouthful; and the Wombat had stuck the Puddin' in his hat, and put his hat on his head, which clearly proved himto be a very ill-bred fellow, for in good society wearing puddin's on the head is hardly ever done.

Bill and Sam, who were like bloodhounds straining at the leash, sprang out and confronted the scoundrels, while Bunyip and Ben got behind in order to cut off their retreat.

'We've got you at last,' said Bill, sparring up at the Possum with the fiercest activity. 'Out with our Puddin', or prepare for a punch on the snout.'

The Possum turned pale and the Wombat hastily got behind him.

'Puddin',' said the Possum, acting amazement. 'What strange request is this?'

'What means this strange request?' asked the Wombat.

'No bungfoodlin',' said Bill sternly. 'Produce the Puddin' or prepare for death.'

'Before bringing accusations,' said the Possum, 'prove where the Puddin' is.'

'It's under that feller's hat,' roared Bill, pointing at the Wombat.

'Prove it,' said the Wombat.

'You can't wear hats that high, without there's puddin's under them,' said Bill.

'That's not puddin's,' said the Possum; 'that's ventilation. He wears his hat like that to keep his brain cool.'

'Very well,' said Bill. 'I call on Ben Brandysnap, as an independent witness whose bag has been stolen, to prove what's under that hat.'

Ben put on his spectacles in order to study the Wombat carefully, and gravely pronounced this judgement—

'When you see a hatStuck up like thatYou remark with some surprise,"Has he been to a shop,And bought for his topA hat of the largest size?"'Or else you say,As you note the wayHe wears it like a wreath,"It cannot be fatThat bulges his hat;He's got something underneath."'But whether or notIt's a Puddin' he's gotCan only be settled by lifting his pot.Or by taking a stick,A stone or a brick,And hitting him hard on the head with it quick.If he yells, you hit fat,If he doesn't, well thatWill prove it's a Puddin' that's under his hat.'

'When you see a hatStuck up like thatYou remark with some surprise,"Has he been to a shop,And bought for his topA hat of the largest size?"

'Or else you say,As you note the wayHe wears it like a wreath,"It cannot be fatThat bulges his hat;He's got something underneath."

'But whether or notIt's a Puddin' he's gotCan only be settled by lifting his pot.Or by taking a stick,A stone or a brick,And hitting him hard on the head with it quick.If he yells, you hit fat,If he doesn't, well thatWill prove it's a Puddin' that's under his hat.'

'Now are you satisfied?' asked Bill, and they all shouted—

'Hurrah! hurray!Just listen to that;He knows the wayTo bell the cat.You'd better obeyHis judgement pat,'Without delayRemove the hat;It's tit-for-tat,We tell you flat,You'll find it payTo lift your hat.

'Hurrah! hurray!Just listen to that;He knows the wayTo bell the cat.You'd better obeyHis judgement pat,

'Without delayRemove the hat;It's tit-for-tat,We tell you flat,You'll find it payTo lift your hat.

'Obey the mandate of our chosen lawyer,Remove that hat, or else we'll do it faw yer.'

'No, no,' said the Possum, shaking his head. 'No removing people's hats. Removing hats is larceny, and you'll get six months for it.'

'No bashing heads, either,' said the Wombat. 'That's manslaughter, and we'll have you hung for it.'

Bill scratched his head. 'This is an unforeseen predicament,' he said. 'Just mind them puddin'-thieves a minute, Ben, while we has a word in private.' He took Sam and Bunyip aside, and almost gave way to despair. 'What a frightful situation,' wailed he. 'We can't unlawfully take a puddin'-thief's hat off, and while it remains on who's to prove our Puddin's under it? This is one of the worst things that's happened to Sam and me for years.'

'It's worse than being chased by wart-hogs,' said Sam.

'It's worse than rolling off a cowshed,' said Bill.

'It's worse than wearing soup tureens for hats,' said Sam.

'It's almost as bad as swallowing thistle buttons,' said Bill, and both sang loudly—

'It's worse than running in a fright,Pursued by Polar bears;It's worse than being caught at nightBy lions in their lairs.'It's worse than barrel organs whenThey play from night till morn;It's worse than having large-sized menA-standing on your corn.'It's worse than when at midnight youTread on a silent cat,To have a puddin'-snatcher whoWill not remove his hat.'

'It's worse than running in a fright,Pursued by Polar bears;It's worse than being caught at nightBy lions in their lairs.

'It's worse than barrel organs whenThey play from night till morn;It's worse than having large-sized menA-standing on your corn.

'It's worse than when at midnight youTread on a silent cat,To have a puddin'-snatcher whoWill not remove his hat.'

'All is not yet lost,' said Bunyip Bluegum. 'Without reverting to violent measures, I will engage to have the hat removed.'

'You will?' exclaimed Bill, grasping Bunyip by the hand.

'I will,' said Bunyip firmly. 'All I ask is that you strike a dignified attitude in the presence of these scoundrels, and, at a given word, follow my example.'

They all struck a dignified attitude in front of the puddin'-thieves, and Bunyip Bluegum, raising his hat, struck up the National Anthem, the others joining in with superb effect.

'Hats off in honour to our King,' shouted Bill, and off came all the hats. The puddin'-thieves, of course,were helpless. The Wombat had to take his hat off, or prove himself disloyal, and there was Puddin' sitting on his head.

'Now who's a liar?' shouted Bill, hitting the Possum a swinging blow on the snout, while Sam gave the Wombat one of his famous over-arm flip flaps that knocked all the wind out of him. The Wombat tried to escape punishment by shouting, 'Never strike a man with a Puddin' on his head'; but, now that their guilt was proved, Bill and Sam were utterly remorseless, and gave the puddin'-thieves such a trouncing that their shrieks pierced the firmament. When this had been done, all hands gave them an extra thumping in the interests of common morality. Eggs were rubbed in their hair by Benjimen, and Bill and Sam attended to the beating and snout-bending, while Bunyip did the reciting. Standing on a stump, he declaimed—

'The blows you feel we do not dealIn common, vulgar thumping;To higher motives we appeal—It is to teach you not to steal,Your head we now are bumping.You need not go on pumpingAppeals for kinder dealing,We like to watch you jumping,We like to hear you squealing.We rather think this thumpingWill take a bit of healing.We hope these blows upon the nose,These bended snouts, these tramped-on toes,These pains that you are feelingThe truth will be revealingHow wrong is puddin'-stealing.'

Then, with great solemnity, he recited the following fine moral lesson—

'A puddin'-thief, as I've heard tell,Quite lost to noble feeling,Spent all his days, and nights as well,In constant puddin'-stealing.'He stole them here, he stole them there,He knew no moderation;He stole the coarse, he stole the rare,He stole without cessation.

'A puddin'-thief, as I've heard tell,Quite lost to noble feeling,Spent all his days, and nights as well,In constant puddin'-stealing.

'He stole them here, he stole them there,He knew no moderation;He stole the coarse, he stole the rare,He stole without cessation.

'He stole the steak-and-kidney stewThat housewives in a rage hid;He stole the infant's Puddin' too,The Puddin' of the aged.'He lived that Puddin's he might lure,Into his clutches stealthy;He stole the Puddin' of the poor,The Puddin' of the wealthy.'This evil wight went forth one nightIntent on puddin'-stealing,When he beheld a hidden lightA secret room revealing.

'He stole the steak-and-kidney stewThat housewives in a rage hid;He stole the infant's Puddin' too,The Puddin' of the aged.

'He lived that Puddin's he might lure,Into his clutches stealthy;He stole the Puddin' of the poor,The Puddin' of the wealthy.

'This evil wight went forth one nightIntent on puddin'-stealing,When he beheld a hidden lightA secret room revealing.

'Within he saw a fearful man,With eyes like coals a-glowing,Whose frightful whiskers over-ranHis face, like weeds a-blowing;'And there this fearful, frightful man,A sight to set you quaking,With pot and pan and curse and ban,Began a Puddin' making.

'Within he saw a fearful man,With eyes like coals a-glowing,Whose frightful whiskers over-ranHis face, like weeds a-blowing;

'And there this fearful, frightful man,A sight to set you quaking,With pot and pan and curse and ban,Began a Puddin' making.

''Twas made of buns and boiling oil,A carrot and some nails-O!A lobster's claws, the knobs off doors,An onion and some snails-O!'A pound of fat, an old man rat,A pint of kerosene-O!A box of tacks, some cobbler's wax,Some gum and glycerine-O!'Gunpowder too, a hob-nailed shoe,He stirred into his pottage;Some Irish stew, a pound of glue,A high explosive sausage.'The deed was done, that frightful one,With glare of vulture famished,Blew out the light, and in the nightGave several howls, and vanished.'Our thieving lout, ensconced without,Came through the window slinking;He grabbed the pot and on the spotBegan to eat like winking.'He ate the lot, this guzzling sot—Such appetite amazes—Until those high explosives wroughtWithin his tum a loud report,And blew him all to blazes.'For him who steals ill-gotten mealsOur moral is a good un.We hope he feels that it revealsThe danger he is stood inWho steals a high explosive bomb,Mistaking it for Puddin'.'

''Twas made of buns and boiling oil,A carrot and some nails-O!A lobster's claws, the knobs off doors,An onion and some snails-O!

'A pound of fat, an old man rat,A pint of kerosene-O!A box of tacks, some cobbler's wax,Some gum and glycerine-O!

'Gunpowder too, a hob-nailed shoe,He stirred into his pottage;Some Irish stew, a pound of glue,A high explosive sausage.

'The deed was done, that frightful one,With glare of vulture famished,Blew out the light, and in the nightGave several howls, and vanished.

'Our thieving lout, ensconced without,Came through the window slinking;He grabbed the pot and on the spotBegan to eat like winking.

'He ate the lot, this guzzling sot—Such appetite amazes—Until those high explosives wroughtWithin his tum a loud report,And blew him all to blazes.

'For him who steals ill-gotten mealsOur moral is a good un.We hope he feels that it revealsThe danger he is stood inWho steals a high explosive bomb,Mistaking it for Puddin'.'

The puddin'-thieves wept loudly while this severe rebuke was being administered, and promised, with sobs, to amend their evil courses, and in the future to abstain from unlawful puddin'-snatching.

'Your words,' said the Possum, 'has pierced our brains with horror and remorse'; and the Wombat added: 'From this time onwards our thoughts will be as far removed from Puddin' as is the thoughts of angels.'

'We have heard that before,' said Bunyip Bluegum; 'but let us hope that this time your repentance is sincere. Let us hope that the tenderness of your snouts will be, if I may be permitted a flight of poetic fancy, a guiding star to lure your steps along the path of virtue—

'For he who finds his evil course is endedBy having of his snout severely bended,Along that path of virtue may be sentWhere virtuous snouts are seldom ever bent.'

With that the puddin'-thieves went over the hill, the sun went down and evening arrived, punctual to the minute.

'Ah,' said Bill. 'It's a very fortunate thing that evenin's come along at this time, for, if it hadn't, we couldn't have waited dinner any longer. But, before preparin' for a night of gaiety, dance, and song, I have a proposal to put before my feller Puddin'-owners. I propose to invite our friend Ben here to join us round the camp fire. He has proved himself a very decent feller, free with his eggs, and as full of revenge against puddin'-thieves as ourselves.'

'Hospitably spoken,' said Bunyip Bluegum, and the Puddin'-owners sang—

'Come join us we intreat,Come join us we implore,In Friendship's name our guest we claim,And Friendship's name is law.'We've Puddin' here a treat,We've Puddin' here galore;Do not decline to stay and dine,Our Puddin' you'll adore.'Our Puddin', we repeat,You really cannot beat,And here are we its owners threeWho graciously intreatYou'll be at our request,The Puddin'-owners' guest.'

'Come join us we intreat,Come join us we implore,In Friendship's name our guest we claim,And Friendship's name is law.

'We've Puddin' here a treat,We've Puddin' here galore;Do not decline to stay and dine,Our Puddin' you'll adore.

'Our Puddin', we repeat,You really cannot beat,And here are we its owners threeWho graciously intreatYou'll be at our request,The Puddin'-owners' guest.'

'For these sentiments of esteem, admiration, and respect,' said Ben, 'I thank you. As one market-gardener to three Puddin'-owners, I may say I wouldn't wish to eat the Puddin' of three finer fellers than yourselves.'

With this cordial understanding they set about preparing the camp fire, and the heartiest expressions of friendship were indulged in while the Puddin' was being passed round. As Bunyip aptly remarked—

'All Fortune's buffets he can surely pardon her,Who claims as guest our courteous Market Gardener.'

To which Benjimen handsomely replied—

'Still happier he, who meets three Puddin'-owners,Whose Puddin' is the equal of its donors.'

And, indeed, a very pleasant evening they had round the camp fire.

'This is what I call satisfactory,' said Bill, as they sat at breakfast next morning. 'It's a great relief to the mind to know that them puddin'-thieves is sufferin' the agonies of remorse, and that our Puddin' is safe from bein' stolen every ten minutes.'

'You're a bun-headed old optimist,' said the Puddin' rudely. 'Puddin'-thieves never suffer from remorse. They only suffer from blighted hopes and suppressed activity.'

'Have you no trust in human nature, Albert?' asked Bill, sternly. 'Don't you know that nothin' gives a man greater remorse than havin' his face punched, his toes trod on, and eggs rubbed in his hair?'

'I have grave doubts myself,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'as to the sincerity of their repentance'; and Ben Brandysnap said that, speaking as a market gardener, his experience of carrot catchers, onion snatchers, pumpkin pouncers, and cabbage grabbers induced him to hold the opinion that shooting them with pea-rifles was the only sure way to make them feel remorse.

In fact, as Sam said—

'The howls and groans of pain and grief,The accents of remorse,Extracted from a puddin'-thiefAre all put on, of course.'

'Then, all I can say is,' cried Bill, enraged, 'if there's any more of this business of puddin'-thieves, disguised as firemen, stealing our Puddin', and puddin'-thieves, not disguised at all, shovin' bags over our heads, blow me if I don't give up Puddin'-owning in despair and take to keepin' carrots for a livin'.'

The Puddin' was so furious at this remark that they were forced to eat an extra slice all round to pacify him, in spite of which he called Bill a turnip-headed old carrot-cruncher, and other insulting names. However, at length they set out on the road, Bill continuing to air some very despondent remarks.

'For what is the good of havin' a noble trustin' nature,' said he, 'for every low puddin'-thief in the land to take advantage of? As far as I can see, the only thing to do is to punch every snout we meet, and chance the odds it belongs to a puddin'-thief.'

'Come,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'I see you are not your wonted, good-humoured self this morning. As a means of promoting the general gaiety, I call on you to sing theSalt Junk Sarahwithout delay.'

This was immediately effective, and Bill with the greatest heartiness roared out—

'Ho, aboard theSalt Junk SarahRollin' round the ocean wide,The bo'sun's mate, I grieve to state,He kissed the bo'sun's bride.

'Rollin' home, rollin' home,Home across the foam;The bo'sun rose and punched his noseAnd banged him on the dome.'

At about the fifteenth verse they came to the town of Tooraloo, and that put a stop to the singing, because you can't sing in the public streets unless you are a musician or a nuisance. The town of Tooraloo is one of those dozing, snoozing, sausage-shaped places where all the people who aren't asleep are only half awake, and where dogs pass away their lives on the footpaths, and you fall over cows when taking your evening stroll.

There was a surprise awaiting them at Tooraloo, for the moment they arrived two persons in bell-toppers and long-tailed coats ran out from behind a fence and fell flat on their backs in the middle of the road, yelling 'Help, help! thieves and ruffians are at work!'

The travellers naturally stared with amazement atthis peculiar conduct. The moment the persons in bell-toppers caught sight of them they sprang up, and striking an attitude expressive of horror, shouted:

'Behold the puddin'-thieves!'

'Behold the what?' exclaimed Bill.

'Puddin'-thieves,' said one of the bell-topperers. 'For well you know that that dear Puddin' in your hand has been stolen from its parents and guardians, which is ourselves.' And the other bell-topperer added, 'Deny it not, for with that dear Puddin' in your hand your guilt is manifest.'

'Well, if this ain't enough to dumbfound a codfish,' exclaimed Bill. 'Here's two total strangers, disguised as undertakers, actually accusin' us of stealin' our own Puddin'. Why, it's outside the bounds of comprehension!'

'It's enough to stagger the senses,' said Sam.

'It's enough to daze the mind with horror,' said Bill.

'Come, come,' said the bell-topperers, 'cease these expressions of amazement and hand over the stolen Puddin'.'

'What d'yer mean,' exclaimed Bill, 'by calling this a stolen Puddin'? It's a respectable steak-and-kidney, apple-dumplin', grand digestive Puddin', and any fellers in pot-hats sayin' it's a stolen Puddin' is scoundrels of the deepest dye.'

'Never use such words to people wearing bell-toppers,' said one of the bell-topperers, and the other added, 'With that dear Puddin' gazing up to heaven, how can you use such words?'

'All very fine, no doubt,' sneered Bill, 'but if you ain't scoundrels of the deepest dye, remove them hats and prove you ain't afraid to look us in the eye.'

'No, no,' said the first bell-topperer. 'No removing hats at present on account of sunstroke, and colds in the head, and doctor's orders. My doctor said to me only this morning, "Never remove your hat." Those were his words. "Let it be your rule through life," he said, "to keep the head warm, whatever happens."'

'No singing "God save the King", neither,' said the other bell-topperer. 'Let your conduct be noble, and never sing the National Anthem to people wearing bell-toppers.'

'In fact,' said the first bell-topperer, 'all we say is, hand over the Puddin' with a few well-chosen words, and all ill-feeling will be dropped.'

Bill was so enraged at this suggestion that he dashed his hat on the ground and kicked it to relieve his feelings. 'Law or no law,' he shouted, 'I call on all hands to knock them bell-toppers off.'

All hands made a rush for the bell-topperers, whoshouted, 'An Englishman's hat is his castle,' and Top-hats are sacred things'; but they were overpowered by numbers, and their hats were snatched off. 'THE PUDDIN'-THIEVES!' shouted the company.

Those bell-toppers had disguised that snooting, snouting scoundrel, the Possum, and his snoozing, boozing friend the Wombat! There was an immense uproar over this discovery, Bill and Sam flapping and snout-bending away at the puddin'-thieves, the puddin'-thieves roaring for mercy. Ben denounced them as bag snatchers, and Bunyip Bluegum expressed his indignation in a fine burst of oratory, beginning:

'Base, indeed, must be those scoundrels, who, lost to all sense of decency and honour, boldly assume the outward semblance of worthy citizens, and, by the pretentious nature of their appearance, not only seek the better to impose upon the noble credulity of Puddin'-owners, but, with dastardly cunning, strike a blow at Society's most sacred emblem—the pot-hat.'

The uproar brought the Mayor of Tooraloo hastening to the scene, followed by the local constable. The Mayor was a little, fat, breathless, beetle-shaped man, who hastened with difficulty owing to his robe of office being trodden on by the Constable, who ran close behind him in order to finish eating a banana in secret. He had some more bananas in a paper bag, and his face was one of those feeble faces that make one think of eggs and carrots and feathers, if you take my meaning.

'How now, how now!' shouted the Mayor. 'A riot going on here, a disturbance in the town of Tooraloo. Constable, arrest these rioters and disturbers.'

'Before going to extremes,' said the Constable, in a tremulous voice, 'my advice to you is, read the Riot Act, and so have all the honour and glory of stopping the riot yourself.'

'Unfortunately,' said the Mayor, 'in the haste of departure, I forgot to bring the Riot Act, so there's nothing else for it; you must have all the honour and glory of quelling it.'

'The trouble is,' said the Constable, 'that there are far too many rioters. One would have been quite sufficient. If there had been only one small undersized rioter, I should have quelled him with the utmost severity.'

'Constable,' said the Mayor, sternly, 'in the name of His Majesty the King, I call on you to arrest these rioters without delay.'

'Look here,' said Bill, 'you're labourin' under an error. This ain't a riot at all. This is merely two puddin'-thieves gettin' a hidin' for tryin' to steal our Puddin'.'

'Puddin'-thieves!' exclaimed the Mayor. 'Don't tell me that puddin'-thieves have come to Tooraloo.'

'It staggers me with pain and grief,I can't believe it's true,That we should have a puddin'-thiefOr two in Tooraloo.'It is enough to make one dumbAnd very pale in hueTo know that puddin'-thieves should comeTo sacred Tooraloo.'The Law's just anger must appear.Ho! seize these scoundrels whoPollute the moral atmosphereOf rural Tooraloo.'

'It staggers me with pain and grief,I can't believe it's true,That we should have a puddin'-thiefOr two in Tooraloo.

'It is enough to make one dumbAnd very pale in hueTo know that puddin'-thieves should comeTo sacred Tooraloo.

'The Law's just anger must appear.Ho! seize these scoundrels whoPollute the moral atmosphereOf rural Tooraloo.'

'We protest against these cruel words,' said the Possum. 'We have been assaulted and battered and snout-bended by ruffians of the worst description.'

'How can Your Worship say such things,' said the Wombat, 'and us a-wearin' bell-toppers before your very eyes.'

'If you've been assaulted and battered,' said the Mayor, 'we shall have to arrest the assaulters and batterers, as well.'

'What's fair to one is fair to all,' said the Constable. 'You'll admit that, of course?' he added to Bill.

'I admit nothin' of the sort,' said Bill. 'If you want to arrest anybody, do your duty and arrest these here puddin'-snatchers.

'If you're an officer of the Law,A constant felon-catcher,Then do not hesitate beforeA common puddin'-snatcher.'

'We call on you to arrest these assaulters and batterers of people wearing top-hats,' said the puddin'-thieves;

'Our innocence let all attest,We prove it by our hatter;It is your duty to arrestNot those in top-hats of the bestBut those who top-hats batter.'

'It's very clear that somebody has to be arrested,' said the Mayor. 'I can't be put to the trouble of wearing my robes of office in public without somebody having to pay for it. I don't care whether you arrest the top-hat batterers, or the battered top-hatters; all I say is, do your duty, whatever happens—

'So somebody, no matter who,You must arrest or rue it;As I'm the Mayor of Tooraloo,And you've the painful job to do,I call on you to do it.'

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