Agatha Posket.[To herself.] My boy—saved!Lukyn.[ToHarris,who stands before the door.] Constable, get out of the way.Messiter.[Sharply.] Harris!Harris.[Without moving.] Yes, sir.Messiter.You will leave the hotel with these ladies, and not lose sight of them till you’ve ascertained what their namesare,and where theydolive.Lukyn and Vale.What!Agatha Posket and Charlotte.Oh!Messiter.Your own fault, gentlemen; it’s my duty.Lukyn.And it ismyduty to save these helpless women from the protecting laws of my confounded country! Vale!Vale.[Putting his coat on the sofa.] Active!Lukyn.[ToHarris.] Let these ladies pass! [He takesHarrisby the collar and flings him over toVale,who throws him over towards the ladies, who push him away.Messiterputs a whistle to his mouth and blows; there is an immediate answer from without.] More of your fellows outside?Messiter.Yes, sir, at your service. Very sorry, gentlemen, but you and your party are in my custody.Lukyn and Vale.What?Agatha Posket and Charlotte.Oh!Messiter.For assaulting this man in the execution of his duty.Lukyn.You’ll dare to lock us up all night?Messiter.It’s one o’clock now, Colonel—you’ll come on first thing in the morning.Lukyn.Come on? At what Court?Messiter.Mulberry Street.Agatha Posket.Ah! The magistrate?Messiter.Mr. Posket, mum.[Agatha Posketsinks into a chair,Charlotteat her feet;Lukyn,overcome, falls onVale’sshoulders.END OF THE SECOND ACT.THE THIRD ACTThe first scene is the Magistrate’s room at Mulberry Street Police Court, with a doorway covered by curtains, leading directly into the Court, and a door opening into a passage. It is the morning after the events of the last Act.Police Sergeant Lugg,a middle-aged man with a slight country dialect, enters with “The Times” newspaper, and proceeds to cut it and glance at its contents, while he hums a song.Mr. Wormington,an elderly, trim and precise man, enters.Mr. Wormington.Good morning, Lugg.Lugg.Morning, Mr. Wormington.Mr. Wormington.Mr. Posket not arrived yet?Lugg.Not yet, sir. Hullo! [Reading.] “Raid on a West End Hotel.—At an early hour this morning——”Mr. Wormington.Yes, I’ve read that—a case of assault upon the police.Lugg.Why, these must be the folks who’ve been so precious rampageous all night.Mr. Wormington.Very likely.Lugg.Yes, sir, protestin’ and protestin’ till they protested everybody’s sleep away. Nice-looking women, too, though, as I tell Mrs. Lugg, now-a-days there’s no telling who’s the lady and who isn’t. Who’s got this job, sir?Mr. Wormington.Inspector Messiter.Lugg.Messiter! That’s luck! Why he’s the worst elocutionist in the force, sir.*[As he arranges the newspaper upon the table, he catches sight ofMr. Wormington’snecktie, which is bright red.] Well, I—excuse me, Mr. Wormington, but all the years I’ve had the honour of knowin’ you, sir, I’ve never seen you wear a necktie with, so to speak, a dash of colour in it.* A City magistrate, censuring a constable for the indistinctness of his utterances in the witness box, suggested that the police should be instructed in a method of delivering evidence articulately.Mr. Wormington.Well, Lugg, no, that’s true, but to-day is an exceptional occasion with me. It is, in fact, the twenty-fifth anniversary of my marriage, and I thought it due to Mrs. Wormington to vary, in some slight degree, the sombreness of my attire. I confess I am a little uneasy in case Mr. Posket should consider it at all disrespectful to the Court.Lugg.Not he, sir.Mr. Wormington.I don’t know. Mr. Posket is punctiliousness itself in dress, and his cravat’s invariably black. However, it is not every man who has a silver wedding-day.Lugg.It’s not every one as wants one, sir.[Mr. Wormingtongoes out; at the same momentMr. Posketenters quickly, and leans on his chair as if exhausted. His appearance is extremely wretched; he is still in evening dress, but his clothes are muddy, and his linen soiled and crumpled, while across the bridge of his nose he has a small strip of black plaster.Mr. Posket.[Faintly.] Good morning, Lugg.Lugg.Good morning to you, sir. Regretting the liberty I’m taking, sir—I’ve seen you look more strong and hearty.Mr. Posket.I am fairly well, thank you, Lugg. My night was rather—rather disturbed. Lugg!Lugg.Sir?Mr. Posket.Have any inquiries been made about me, this morning—any messenger from Mrs. Posket, for instance, to ask how I am?Lugg.No, sir.Mr. Posket.Oh! my child, my stepson, young Mr. Farringdon, has not called, has he?Lugg.No, sir.Mr. Posket.[To himself.] Where can that boy be? [ToLugg.] Thank you, that’s all.Lugg.[Who has been eyeingMr. Posketwith astonishment, goes to the door, and then touches the bridge of his nose.] Nasty cut while shavin’, sir?[Lugggoes out.Mr. Posket.Where can that boy have got to? If I could only remember how, when, and where we parted! I think it was at Kilburn. Let me think—first, the kitchen. [Putting his hand to his side as if severely bruised.] Oh! Cis was all right, because I fell underneath; I feltit was my duty to do so. Then what occurred? A dark room, redolent of onions and cabbages and paraffine oil, and Cis dragging me over the stone floor, saying, “We’re in the scullery, Guv; let’s try and find the tradesmen’s door.” Next, the night air—oh, how refreshing! “Cis, my boy, we will both learn a lesson from to-night—never deceive.” Where are we? In Argyll Street. “Look out, Guv, they’re after us.” Then—then, as Cis remarked when we were getting over the railings of Portman Square—then the fun began. We over into the square—they after us. Over again, into Baker Street. Down Baker Street. Curious recollections, whilst running, of my first visit, as a happy child, to Madame Tussaud’s, and wondering whether her removal had affected my fortunes. “Come on, Guv—you’re getting blown.” Where are we? Park Road. What am I doing? Getting up out of puddle. St. John’s Wood. The cricket-ground. “I say, Guv, what a run this would be at Lord’s, wouldn’t it? and no fear of being run out either, more fear of being run in.” “What road is this, Cis?” Maida Vale. Good gracious! A pious aunt of mine once lived in Hamilton Terrace; she never thought I should come to this. “Guv?” “Yes, my boy.” “Let’s get this kind-hearted coffee-stall keeper to hide us.” We apply. “Will you assist two unfortunate gentlemen?” “No, blowed if I will.” “Why not?” “ ’Cos I’m agoin’ to join in the chase after you.” Ah! Off again, along Maida Vale! On, on, heaven knows how or where, ’till at last, no sound of pursuit, no Cis, no breath, and the early Kilburn buses starting to town. Then I came back again, and not much too soon for the Court. [Going up to the washstand and looking into the little mirror, with alow groan.] Oh, how shockingly awful I look, and how stiff and sore I feel! [Taking off his coat and hanging it on a peg, then washing his hands.] What a weak and double-faced creature to be a magistrate! I really ought to get some member of Parliament to ask a question about me in the House. Where’s the soap? I shall put five pounds and costs into the poor’s box to-morrow. But I deserve a most severe caution. Ah, perhaps I shall get that from Agatha. [He takes off his white tie, rolls it up and crams it into his pocket.] When Wormington arrives I will borrow some money and send out for a black cravat! All my pocket money is in my overcoat at the Hotel des Princes. If the police seize it there is some consolation in knowing that that money will never be returned to me. [There is a knock at the door.] Come in!Luggenters.Lugg.Your servant, Mr. Wyke, wants to see you, sirMr. Posket.Bring him in. [Lugggoes out.] Wyke! From Agatha! From Agatha!Luggre-enters withWyke.Wyke.Ahem! Good morning, sir.Mr. Posket.Good morning, Wyke. Ahem! Is Master Farringdon quite well?Wyke.He hadn’t arrived home, when I left, sir.Mr. Posket.Oh! Where is that boy? [ToWyke.] How’s your mistress this morning, Wyke?Wyke.Very well, I hope, sir;sheain’t come home yet, either.Mr. Posket.Not returned—nor Miss Verrinder?Wyke.No, sir—neither of them.Mr. Posket.[To himself.] Lady Jenkins is worse, they are still nursing her! Good women, true women!Wyke.[To himself.] That’s eased his deceivin’ old mind.Mr. Posket.[To himself.] Now, if the servants don’t betray me and Cis returns safely, the worst is over. To what a depth I have fallen when I rejoice at Lady Jenkins’ indisposition!Wyke.Cook thought you ought to know that the mistress hadn’t come home, sir.Mr. Posket.Certainly. Take a cab at once to Campden Hill and bring me back word how poor Lady Jenkins is. Tell Mrs. Posket I will come on the moment the Court rises.Wyke.Yes, sir.Mr. Posket.And, Wyke. It is not at all necessary that Mrs. Posket should know of my absence with Master Farringdon from home last night. Mrs. Posket’s present anxieties are more than sufficient. Inform Cook, and Popham, and the other servants that I shall recognise their discretion in the same spirit I have already displayed towards you.Wyke.[With sarcasm.] Thank you, sir. I will. [He produces from his waistcoat-pocket a small packet of money done up in newspaper, which he throws down upon the table.] Meanwhile, sir, I thought you would like to count up the little present of money you gave me last night, and in case you thought you’d been over-liberal, sir, you might halve the amount. It isn’t no good spoiling of us all, sir.Luggenters.Mr. Posket.You are an excellent servant, Wyke; I am very pleased. I will see you when you return from Lady Jenkins’s. Be quick.Wyke.Yes, sir. [To himself.] He won’t give me twopence again in a hurry.[He goes out;Luggis about to follow.Mr. Posket.Oh, Lugg, I want you to go to the nearest hosier’s and purchase me a neat cravat.Lugg.[Looking inquisitively atMr. Posket.] A necktie, sir?Mr. Posket.Yes. [Turning up his coat collar to shield himself fromLugg’sgaze.] A necktie—a necktie.Lugg.What sort of a kind of one, sir?Mr. Posket.Oh, one like Mr. Wormington’s.Lugg.One like he’s wearing this morning, sir?Mr. Posket.Of course, of course, of course.Lugg.[To himself.] Fancy him being jealous of Mr. Wormington, now. Very good, sir—what price, sir?Mr. Posket.The best. [To himself.] There now, I’ve no money. [Seeing the packet on table.] Oh, pay for it with this, Lugg.Lugg.Yes, sir.Mr. Posket.And keep the change for your trouble.Lugg.Thank you, sir; thank you, sir—very much obliged to you, sir. [To himself.] That’s like a liberal gentleman.[Lugggoes out asMr. Wormingtonenters through the curtains with the charge sheet in his hand.Mr. Wormington,on seeingMr. Posket,uneasily tucks his pocket-handkerchief in his collar so as to hide his necktie.Mr. Wormington.H’m! Good morning.Mr. Posket.Good morning, Wormington.Mr. Wormington.The charge sheet.Mr. Posket.Sit down.[Mr. Wormingtonputs on his spectacles;Mr. Posketalso attempts to put on his spectacles, but hurts the bridge of his nose, winces, and desists.Mr. Posket.[To himself.] My nose is extremely painful. [ToMr. Wormington.] You have a bad cold I am afraid, Wormington—bronchial?Mr. Wormington.Ahem! Well—ah—the fact is—you may have noticed how very chilly the nights are.Mr. Posket.Very, very.Mr. Wormington.The only way to maintain the circulation is to run as fast as one can.Mr. Posket.To run—as fast as one can—yes—quite so.Mr. Wormington.[To himself, looking atMr. Posket’sshirt front.] How very extraordinary—he is wearing no cravat whatever!Mr. Posket.[Buttoning up his coat to avoidMr. Wormington’sgaze.] Anything important this morning?Mr. Wormington.Nothing particular after the first charge, a serious business arising out of the raid on the “Hotel des Princes.”Mr. Posket.[Starting.] “Hotel des Princes?”Mr. Wormington.Inspector Messiter found six persons supping there at one o’clock this morning. Two contrived to escape.Mr. Posket.Dear me—I am surprised—I mean, did they?Mr. Wormington.But they left their overcoats behind them, and it is believed they will be traced.Mr. Posket.Oh, do you—do you think it is worth while? The police have a great deal to occupy them just now.Mr. Wormington.But surely if the police see their way to capture anybody we had better raise no obstacle.Mr. Posket.No—no—quite so—never struck me.Mr. Wormington.[Referring to charge sheet.] The remaining four it was found necessary to take into custody.Mr. Posket.Good gracious! What a good job the other two didn’t wait. I beg your pardon—I mean—you say we have four?Mr. Wormington.Yes, on the charge of obstructing the police. The first assault occurred in the supper-room—the second in the four-wheeled cab on the way to the station. There were five persons in the cab at the time—the two women, the two men, and the Inspector.Mr. Posket.Dear me, it must have been a very complicated assault. Who are the unfortunate people?Mr. Wormington.The men are of some position. [Reading.] “Alexander Lukyn, Colonel”——Mr. Posket.Lukyn! I—I—know Colonel Lukyn; we are old schoolfellows.Mr. Wormington.Very sad! [Reading.] The other is “Horace, &c. &c. Vale—Captain—Shropshire Fusiliers.”Mr. Posket.And the ladies?Mr. Wormington.Call themselves, “Alice Emmeline Fitzgerald and Harriet Macnamara.”Mr. Posket.[To himself.] Which is the lady who was under the table with me?Mr. Wormington.They are not recognised by the police at present, but they furnish incorrect addresses, and their demeanour is generally violent and unsatisfactory.Mr. Posket.[To himself.] Who pinched me—Alice or Harriet?Mr. Wormington.I mention this case because it seems to be one calling for most stringent measures.Mr. Posket.Wouldn’t a fine, and a severe warning from the Bench, to the two persons who have got away——Mr. Wormington.I think not. Consider, Mr. Posket, not only defying the licensing laws, but obstructing the police!Mr. Posket.That’s true—it is hard, when the police are doing anything, that they should be obstructed.Luggenters.Lugg.[Attempting to conceal some annoyance.] Your necktie, sir.Mr. Posket.S-ssh!Mr. Wormington.[To himself.] Then hecamewithout one—dear me!Lugg.[Clapping down a paper parcel on the table.] As near like Mr. Wormington’s as possible—brighter if anything.Mr. Posket.[Opening the parcel, and finding a very common, gaudy neckkerchief.] Good gracious! What a horrible affair!Lugg.According to my information, sir—like Mr. Wormington’s.Mr. Posket.Mr. Wormington would never be seen in such an abominable colour.Mr. Wormington.Well—really—I—[Removing the handkerchief from his throat.] I am extremely sorry.Mr. Posket.My dear Wormington!Mr. Wormington.I happen to be wearing something similar—the first time for five-and-twenty years.Mr. Posket.Oh, I beg your pardon. [To himself.] Everything seems against me.Lugg.One-and-nine it come to, sir. [Producing the paper packet of money and laying it upon the table.] And I brought back all the money you gave me, thinking you’d like to look over it quietly. Really, sir, I never showed up smaller in any shop in all my life!Mr. Posket.Upon my word. First one and then another! Whatiswrong with the money. [Opens the packet.] Twopence! [To himself.] That man Wyke will tell all to Agatha! Oh, everything is against me.[Lugghas opened the door, taken a card from some one outside, and handed it toMr. Wormington.Mr. Wormington.From cell No. 3.[Handing the card toMr. Posket.Mr. Posket.[Reading.] “Dear Posket, for the love of goodness see me before the sitting of the Court. Alexander Lukyn.” Poor dear Lukyn! What on earth shall I do?Mr. Wormington.Such a course would be most unusual.Mr. Posket.Everything is unusual. Your cravat is unusual. This prisoner is invited to dine at my house to-day—that’s peculiar. He is my wife’s first husband’s only child’s god-father—that’s a little out of the ordinary.Mr. Wormington.The charge is so serious!Mr. Posket.But I am a man as well as a magistrate, advise me, Wormington, advise me!Mr. Wormington.Well—you can apply to yourself for permission to grant Colonel Lukyn’s request.Mr. Posket.[Hastily scribbling onLukyn’scard.] I do—I do—and after much conflicting argument I consent to see Colonel Lukyn here, immediately. [Handing the card toMr. Wormingtonwho passes it toLugg,who thengoes out.] Don’t leave me, Wormington—you must stand by me to see that I remain calm, firm, and judicial. [He hastily puts on the red necktie in an untidy manner.] Poor Lukyn, I must sink the friend in the magistrate, and in dealing with his errors apply the scourge to myself. [ToMr. Wormington.] Wormington, tap me on the shoulder when I am inclined to be more than usually unusual.[Mr. Wormingtonstands behind him, andLuggenters withLukyn.Lukyn’sdress-clothes are much soiled and disordered, and he, too, has a small strip of plaster upon the bridge of his nose. There is a constrained pause,LukynandMr. Posketboth cough.Lukyn.[To himself.] Poor Posket!Mr. Posket.[To himself.] Poor Lukyn!Lukyn.[To himself.] I suppose he has been sitting up for his wife all night, poor devil! [ToMr. Posket.] Ahem! How are you, Posket?[Mr. WormingtontouchesMr. Posket’sshoulder.Mr. Posket.I regret to see you in this terrible position, Colonel Lukyn.Lukyn.By George, old fellow, I regret to find myself in it. [Sitting, and taking up newspaper.] I suppose they’ve got us in the “Times,” confound ’em![WhileLukynis reading the paper,Mr. PosketandMr. Wormingtonhold a hurried consultation respectingLukyn’sbehaviour.Mr. Posket.H’m! [ToLugg.] Sergeant, I think Colonel Lukyn may be accommodated with a chair.Lugg.He’s in it, sir.Lukyn.[Rising and putting down paper.] Beg your pardon, forgot where I was. I suppose everything must be formal in this confounded place?Mr. Posket.I am afraid, Colonel Lukyn, it will be necessary even here to preserve strictly our unfortunate relative positions. [Lukynbows.] Sit down. [Lukynsits again.Poskettakes up the charge sheet.] Colonel Lukyn! In addressing you now, I am speaking, not as a man, but, as an instrument of the law. As a man I may, or may not, be a weak, vicious, despicable creature.Lukyn.Certainly—of course.Mr. Posket.But, as a magistrate I am bound to say you fill me with pain and astonishment.Lukyn.Quite right—every man to his trade, go on, Posket.Mr. Posket.[Turning his chair to faceLukyn.] Alexander Lukyn—when I look at you—when I look at you—— [He attempts to put on his spectacles.] Ah—my nose. [ToLukyn.] I say, when I look at you, Alexander Lukyn, I confront a most mournful spectacle. A military officer, trained in the ways of discipline and smartness, now, in consequence of his own misdoings, lamentably bruised and battered, shamefully disfigured by plaster, with his apparel soiled and damaged—all terrible evidence of a conflict with that power of which I am the representative.Lukyn.[Turning his chair to faceMr. Posket.] Well, Posket, if it comes to that, when I look at you, when I look at you—[He attempts to fix his glass in his eye.] Confound my nose! [ToMr. Posket.] When I look at you,youare not a very imposing object, this morning.Mr. Posket.Lukyn!Lukyn.You look quite as shaky as I do—and you’re not quite innocent of court plaster.Mr. Posket.Lukyn! Really!Lukyn.And as for our attire, we neither of us look as if we had slipped out of a bandbox.Mr. Posket.Don’t, Lukyn, don’t! Pray respect my legal status! [Mr. WormingtonleadsMr. Posket,who has risen, back to his seat.] Thank you, Wormington. Alexander Lukyn, I have spoken. It remains for you to state your motive in seeking this painful interview.Lukyn.Certainly! H’m! You know, of course, that I am not alone in this affair?Mr. Posket.[Referring to charge sheet.] Three persons appear to be charged with you.Lukyn.Yes. Two others got away. Cowards! If ever I find them, I’ll destroy them!Mr. Posket.Lukyn!Lukyn.I will! Another job for you, Posket.Mr. Posket.[With dignity.] I beg your pardon, in the event of such a deplorable occurrence, I should not occupy my present position. Go on, sir.Lukyn.Horace Vale and I are prepared to stand the brunt of our misdeeds. But, Posket, there are ladies in the case.Mr. Posket.In the annals of the Mulberry Street Police Court such a circumstance is not unprecedented.Lukyn.Two helpless, forlorn ladies.Mr. Posket.[Referring to charge sheet.] Alice Emmeline Fitzgerald and Harriet Macnamara. Oh, Lukyn, Lukyn!Lukyn.Pooh! I ask no favour for myself or Vale, but I come to you, Posket, to beg you to use your power to release these two ladies without a moment’s delay.[Mr. WormingtontouchesMr. Posket’sshoulder.Mr. Posket.Upon my word, Lukyn! Do you think I am to be undermined?Lukyn.Undermine the devil, sir! Don’t talk to me! Let these ladies go, I say! Don’t bring them into Court, don’t see their faces—don’t hear their voices—if you do, you’ll regret it!Mr. Posket.Colonel Lukyn!Lukyn.[Leaning across the table and grippingMr. Posketby the shoulder.] Posket, do you know that one of these ladies is a married lady?Mr. Posket.Of course I don’t, sir. I blush to hear it.Lukyn.And do you know that from the moment this married lady steps into your confounded Court, the happiness, the contentment of a doting husband, become a confounded wreck and ruin?Mr. Posket.Then, sir, let it be my harrowing task to open the eyes of this foolish doting man to the treachery, the perfidy, which nestles upon his very hearthrug!Lukyn.Oh, lor’! Be careful, Posket! By George, be careful!Mr. Posket.Alexander Lukyn, you are my friend. Amongst the personal property taken from you when you entered these precincts may have been found a memorandum of an engagement to dine at my house to-night at a quarter to eight o’clock. But, Lukyn, I solemnly prepare you, you stand in danger of being late for dinner! I go further—I am not sure, after this morning’s proceedings, that Mrs. Posket will be ready to receive you.Lukyn.I’m confoundedly certain shewon’t!Mr. Posket.Therefore, Lukyn, as an English husband and father it will be my duty to teach you and yourdisreputable companions [referring to charge-sheet], Alice Emmeline Fitzgerald and Harriet Macnamara, some rudimentary notions of propriety and decorum.Lukyn.Confound you, Posket—listen!Mr. Posket.I am listening, sir, to the guiding voice of Mrs. Posket—that newly-made wife still blushing from the embarrassment of her second marriage, and that voice says, “Strike for the sanctity of hearth and home, for the credit of the wives of England—no mercy!”Mr. Wormington.It is time to go into Court, sir. The charge against Colonel Lukyn is first on the list.Lukyn.Posket, I’ll give you one last chance! If I write upon a scrap of paper the real names of these two unfortunate ladies, will you shut yourself up for a moment, away from observation, and read these names before you go into Court?Mr. Posket.Certainly not, Colonel Lukyn! I cannot be influenced by private information in dealing with an offence which is, in my opinion, as black as—as my cravat! Ahem![Mr. WormingtonandMr. Posketlook at each other’s necktie and turn up their collars hastily.Lukyn.[To himself.] There’s no help for it. [ToMr. Posket.] Then Posket, you must have the plain truth where you stand, by George! The two ladies who are my companions in this affair are——Mr. Posket.Sergeant! Colonel Lukyn will now join his party.[Luggsteps up toLukynsharply.Lukyn.[Boiling with indignation.] What, sir? What?Mr. Posket.Lukyn, I think we both have engagements—will you excuse me?Lukyn.Posket! You’ve gone too far! If you went down on your knees, which you appear to have been recently doing, and begged the names of these two ladies, you shouldn’t have ’em! No sir, by George, you shouldn’t.Mr. Posket.Good morning, Colonel Lukyn.Lukyn.You’ve lectured me, pooh-poohed me, snubbed me—a soldier, sir—a soldier! But when I think of your dinner-party to-night, with my empty chair, like Banquo, by George, sir—and the chief dish composed of a well-browned, well-basted, family skeleton, served up under the best silver cover, I pity you, Posket! Good morning![He marches out withLugg.Mr. Posket.Ah! Thank goodness that ordeal is passed. Now, Wormington, I think I am ready to face the duties of the day! Shall we go into Court?Mr. Wormington.Certainly, sir.[Mr. Wormingtongathers up papers from the table.Mr. Posketwith a shaking hand pours out water from carafe and drinks.Mr. Posket.My breakfast. [ToMr. Wormington.] I hope I defended the sanctity of the Englishman’s hearth, Wormington?Mr. Wormington.You did, indeed. As a married man, I thank you.Mr. Posket.Give me your arm, Wormington! I am not very well this morning, and this interview with Colonel Lukyn has shaken me. I think your coat-collar is turned up, Wormington.Mr. Wormington.So is yours, I fancy, sir.Mr. Posket.Ahem![They turn their collars down;Mr. PoskettakesMr. Wormington’sarm. They are going towards the curtains whenWykeenters hurriedly at the door.Wyke.Excuse me, sir.Mr. Wormington.Hush! hush! Mr. Posket is just going into Court.Wyke.Lady Jenkins has sent me back to tell you that she hasn’t seen the missis for the last week or more.Mr. Posket.Mrs. Posket went to Campden Hill with Miss Verrinder last night!Wyke.They haven’t arrived there, sir.Mr. Posket.Haven’t arrived!Wyke.No sir—and even a slow four-wheeler won’t account for that.Mr. Posket.Wormington! there’s something wrong! Mrs. Posket quitted a fairly happy home last night and has not been seen or heard of since!Mr. Wormington.Pray don’t be anxious, sir, the Court is waiting.Mr. Posket.But I am anxious! Tell Sergeant Lugg to look over the Accident-Book, this morning’s Hospital Returns, List of Missing Children, Suspicious Pledges People left Chargeable to the Parish, Attend to your Window Fastenings——! I—I—Wormington, Mrs. Posket and I disagreed last night.Mr. Wormington.Don’t think of it, sir! you should hear me and Mrs. Wormington! Pray do come into Court.Mr. Posket.Court! I’m totally unfit for business! totally unfit for business![Mr. Wormingtonhurries him off through the curtains.Luggenters, almost breathless.Lugg.We’ve got charge one in the Dock—all four of ’em. [SeeingWyke.] Hallo! you back again!Wyke.Yes—seems so. [They stand facing each other, dabbing their foreheads with their handkerchiefs.] Phew! you seem warm.Lugg.Phew! you don’t seem so cool.Wyke.I’ve been lookin’ after two ladies.Lugg.So have I.Wyke.I haven’t found ’em.Lugg.If I’d known, I’d a been pleased to lend you our two.[From the other side of the curtains there is the sound of a shriek fromAgatha PosketandCharlotte.Wyke.Lor’! what’s that!Lugg.Thatisour two. Don’t notice them—they’re hystericals. They’re mild now to what they have been. I say, old fellow—is your guv’nor all right in his head?Wyke.I suppose so—why?Lugg.I’ve a partickler reason for asking. Does he ever tell you to buy him anything and keep the change?Wyke.What d’yer mean?Lugg.Well, does he ever come down handsome for your extry exertion—do you ever get any tips?Wyke.Rather. What do you think he made me a present of last night?Lugg.Don’t know.Wyke.Twopence—to buy a new umbrella.Lugg.Well, I’m blessed! And he gave me the same sum to get him a silk necktie. It’s my opinion he’s got a softening of the brain. [Another shriek from the two women, a cry fromMr. Posket,and then a hubbub are heard. Running up to the curtains and looking through.] Hallo! what’s wrong? Here! I told you so—he’s broken out, he’s broken out.Wyke.Who’s broken out?Lugg.The lunatic. Keep back, I’m wanted.[He goes through the curtains.Wyke.[Looking after him.] Look at the guv’nor waving his arms and going on anyhow at the prisoners! Prisoners! Gracious goodness—it’s the missis![Amid a confused sound of voicesMr. Posketis brought in, through the curtains, byMr. Wormington.Luggfollows.Mr. Posket.Wormington! Wormington! the two ladies! the two ladies! I know them!Mr. Wormington.It’s all right, sir, it’s all right—don’t be upset, sir!Mr. Posket.I’m not well; what shall I do?Mr. Wormington.Nothing further, sir. What you have done is quite in form.Mr. Posket.What Ihavedone?Mr. Wormington.Yes, sir—you did precisely what I suggested—took the words from me. They pleaded guilty.Mr. Posket.Guilty!Mr. Wormington.Yes, sir—and you sentenced them.Mr. Posket.Sentenced them! The ladies!Mr. Wormington.Yes, sir. You’ve given them seven days, without the option of a fine.[Mr. Posketcollapses intoMr. Wormington’sarms.THE SECOND SCENE.The scene changes toMr. Posket’sdrawing-room, as in the first act.Beatieenters timidly, dressed in simple walking-costume.Beatie.How dreadfully early. Eleven o’clock, and I’m not supposed to come till four. I wonder why I want to instruct Cis all day. I’m not nearly so enthusiastic about the two little girls I teach in Russell Square.Pophamenters. Her eyes are red as if from crying.Popham.[Drawing back on seeingBeatie.] That music person again. I beg your pardon—I ain’t got no instructions to prepare no drawing-room for no lessons till four o’clock.Beatie.I wish to see Mrs. Posket.Popham.She hasn’t come home.Beatie.Oh then—er—um—Master Farringdon will do.Popham.[In tears.] He haven’t come home either!Beatie.Oh, where is he?Popham.No one knows! His wicked old stepfather took him out late last night and hasn’t returned him. Such a night as it was, too, and him still wearing his summer under-vests.Beatie.Mr. Posket?Popham.Mr. Posket—no, my Cis!Beatie.How dare you speak of Master Farringdon in that familiar way?Popham.How dare I? Because me and him formed an attachment before ever you darkened our doors. [Taking a folded printed paper from her pocket.] You may put down the iron ’eel too heavy, Miss Tomlinson. I refer you toBow Bells—“First Love is Best Love; or, The Earl’s Choice.”[AsPophamoffers the paper,Cisenters, looking very pale, worn-out, and dishevelled.Popham and Beatie.Oh!Cis.[Staggering to a chair.] Where’s the mater?Popham.Not home yet.Cis.Thank giminy!Beatie.He’s ill!Popham.Oh![Beatie,assisted byPopham,quickly wheels the large armchair forward, they catch hold ofCisand place him in it, he submits limply.Beatie.[TakingCis’shand.] What is the matter, Cis dear? Tell Beatie.Popham.[Taking his other hand.] Well, I’m sure! Who’s given you raisins and ketchup from the store cupboard? Come back to Emma![Cis,with his eyes closed, gives a murmur.Beatie.He’s whispering![They both bob their heads down to listen.Popham.He says his head’s a-whirling.Beatie.Put him on the sofa.[They take off his boots, loosen his necktie, and dab his forehead with water out of a flower-vase.Cis.I—I—I wish you two girls would leave off.Beatie.He’s speaking again. He hasn’t had any breakfast! He’s hungry!Popham.Hungry! I thought he looked thin! Wait a minute, dear! Emma Popham knows what her boy fancies![She runs out of the room.Cis.Oh, Beatie, hold my head while I ask you something.Beatie.Yes, darling!Cis.No lady would marry a gentleman who had been a convict, would she?Beatie.No; certainly not!Cis.I thought not! Well, Beatie, I’ve been run after by a policeman.Beatie.[Leaving him.] Oh!Cis.Not caught, you know, only run after; and, walking home from Hendon this morning, I came to the conclusion that I ought to settle down in life. Beatie—could I write out a paper promising to marry you when I’m one-and-twenty?Beatie.Don’t be a silly boy—of course you could.Cis.Then I shall; and when I feel inclined to have a spree, I shall think of that paper and say, “Cis Farringdon, if you ever get locked up, you’ll lose the most beautiful girl in the world.”Beatie.And so you will.[He goes to the writing-table.Cis.I’d better write it now, before my head gets well again.[He writes; she bends over him.Beatie.You simple, foolish, Cis! If your head is so queer, shall I tell you what to say?Pophamenters, carrying a tray with breakfast dishes.Popham.[To herself.] He won’t think so much ofhernow. His breakfast is my triumph. [ToCis.] Coffee, bacon, and a teacake.Beatie.Hush! Master Farringdon is writing something very important.Popham.[Going to the window.] That’s a cab at our door.Cis.It must be the mater—I’m off![He picks up his boots and goes out quickly.Beatie.[Following him with the paper and inkstand.] Cis! Cis! You haven’t finished the promise! You haven’t finished the promise!Lugg.[Heard outside.] All right, sir—I’ve got you—I’ve got you.[Pophamopens the door.Popham.The master and a policeman! [Luggenters supportingMr. Posketwho sinks into an armchair with a groan.] Oh, what’s the matter?Lugg.All right, my good girl, you run downstairs and fetch a drop of brandy and water.Mr. Posket.[Hurrying out.] Oh!Lugg.Now don’t take on so, sir. It’s what might happen to any married gentleman. Now, you’re all right now, sir. And I’ll hurry back to the Court to see whether they’ve sent for Mr. Bullamy.Mr. Posket.My wife! My wife!Lugg.Oh, come now, sir, whatisseven days! Why many a married gentleman in your position, sir, would have been glad to have made it fourteen.Mr. Posket.Go away—leave me.Lugg.Certainly, sir. [Pophamre-enters with a small tumbler of brandy and water; he takes it from her and drinks it.] It’s not wanted. I’m thankful to say he’s better.
Agatha Posket.
[To herself.] My boy—saved!
Lukyn.
[ToHarris,who stands before the door.] Constable, get out of the way.
Messiter.
[Sharply.] Harris!
Harris.
[Without moving.] Yes, sir.
Messiter.
You will leave the hotel with these ladies, and not lose sight of them till you’ve ascertained what their namesare,and where theydolive.
Lukyn and Vale.
What!
Agatha Posket and Charlotte.
Oh!
Messiter.
Your own fault, gentlemen; it’s my duty.
Lukyn.
And it ismyduty to save these helpless women from the protecting laws of my confounded country! Vale!
Vale.
[Putting his coat on the sofa.] Active!
Lukyn.
[ToHarris.] Let these ladies pass! [He takesHarrisby the collar and flings him over toVale,who throws him over towards the ladies, who push him away.Messiterputs a whistle to his mouth and blows; there is an immediate answer from without.] More of your fellows outside?
Messiter.
Yes, sir, at your service. Very sorry, gentlemen, but you and your party are in my custody.
Lukyn and Vale.
What?
Agatha Posket and Charlotte.
Oh!
Messiter.
For assaulting this man in the execution of his duty.
Lukyn.
You’ll dare to lock us up all night?
Messiter.
It’s one o’clock now, Colonel—you’ll come on first thing in the morning.
Lukyn.
Come on? At what Court?
Messiter.
Mulberry Street.
Agatha Posket.
Ah! The magistrate?
Messiter.
Mr. Posket, mum.
[Agatha Posketsinks into a chair,Charlotteat her feet;Lukyn,overcome, falls onVale’sshoulders.
END OF THE SECOND ACT.
The first scene is the Magistrate’s room at Mulberry Street Police Court, with a doorway covered by curtains, leading directly into the Court, and a door opening into a passage. It is the morning after the events of the last Act.
Police Sergeant Lugg,a middle-aged man with a slight country dialect, enters with “The Times” newspaper, and proceeds to cut it and glance at its contents, while he hums a song.
Mr. Wormington,an elderly, trim and precise man, enters.
Mr. Wormington.
Good morning, Lugg.
Lugg.
Morning, Mr. Wormington.
Mr. Wormington.
Mr. Posket not arrived yet?
Lugg.
Not yet, sir. Hullo! [Reading.] “Raid on a West End Hotel.—At an early hour this morning——”
Mr. Wormington.
Yes, I’ve read that—a case of assault upon the police.
Lugg.
Why, these must be the folks who’ve been so precious rampageous all night.
Mr. Wormington.
Very likely.
Lugg.
Yes, sir, protestin’ and protestin’ till they protested everybody’s sleep away. Nice-looking women, too, though, as I tell Mrs. Lugg, now-a-days there’s no telling who’s the lady and who isn’t. Who’s got this job, sir?
Mr. Wormington.
Inspector Messiter.
Lugg.
Messiter! That’s luck! Why he’s the worst elocutionist in the force, sir.*[As he arranges the newspaper upon the table, he catches sight ofMr. Wormington’snecktie, which is bright red.] Well, I—excuse me, Mr. Wormington, but all the years I’ve had the honour of knowin’ you, sir, I’ve never seen you wear a necktie with, so to speak, a dash of colour in it.
* A City magistrate, censuring a constable for the indistinctness of his utterances in the witness box, suggested that the police should be instructed in a method of delivering evidence articulately.
* A City magistrate, censuring a constable for the indistinctness of his utterances in the witness box, suggested that the police should be instructed in a method of delivering evidence articulately.
Mr. Wormington.
Well, Lugg, no, that’s true, but to-day is an exceptional occasion with me. It is, in fact, the twenty-fifth anniversary of my marriage, and I thought it due to Mrs. Wormington to vary, in some slight degree, the sombreness of my attire. I confess I am a little uneasy in case Mr. Posket should consider it at all disrespectful to the Court.
Lugg.
Not he, sir.
Mr. Wormington.
I don’t know. Mr. Posket is punctiliousness itself in dress, and his cravat’s invariably black. However, it is not every man who has a silver wedding-day.
Lugg.
It’s not every one as wants one, sir.
[Mr. Wormingtongoes out; at the same momentMr. Posketenters quickly, and leans on his chair as if exhausted. His appearance is extremely wretched; he is still in evening dress, but his clothes are muddy, and his linen soiled and crumpled, while across the bridge of his nose he has a small strip of black plaster.
Mr. Posket.
[Faintly.] Good morning, Lugg.
Lugg.
Good morning to you, sir. Regretting the liberty I’m taking, sir—I’ve seen you look more strong and hearty.
Mr. Posket.
I am fairly well, thank you, Lugg. My night was rather—rather disturbed. Lugg!
Lugg.
Sir?
Mr. Posket.
Have any inquiries been made about me, this morning—any messenger from Mrs. Posket, for instance, to ask how I am?
Lugg.
No, sir.
Mr. Posket.
Oh! my child, my stepson, young Mr. Farringdon, has not called, has he?
Lugg.
No, sir.
Mr. Posket.
[To himself.] Where can that boy be? [ToLugg.] Thank you, that’s all.
Lugg.
[Who has been eyeingMr. Posketwith astonishment, goes to the door, and then touches the bridge of his nose.] Nasty cut while shavin’, sir?
[Lugggoes out.
Mr. Posket.
Where can that boy have got to? If I could only remember how, when, and where we parted! I think it was at Kilburn. Let me think—first, the kitchen. [Putting his hand to his side as if severely bruised.] Oh! Cis was all right, because I fell underneath; I feltit was my duty to do so. Then what occurred? A dark room, redolent of onions and cabbages and paraffine oil, and Cis dragging me over the stone floor, saying, “We’re in the scullery, Guv; let’s try and find the tradesmen’s door.” Next, the night air—oh, how refreshing! “Cis, my boy, we will both learn a lesson from to-night—never deceive.” Where are we? In Argyll Street. “Look out, Guv, they’re after us.” Then—then, as Cis remarked when we were getting over the railings of Portman Square—then the fun began. We over into the square—they after us. Over again, into Baker Street. Down Baker Street. Curious recollections, whilst running, of my first visit, as a happy child, to Madame Tussaud’s, and wondering whether her removal had affected my fortunes. “Come on, Guv—you’re getting blown.” Where are we? Park Road. What am I doing? Getting up out of puddle. St. John’s Wood. The cricket-ground. “I say, Guv, what a run this would be at Lord’s, wouldn’t it? and no fear of being run out either, more fear of being run in.” “What road is this, Cis?” Maida Vale. Good gracious! A pious aunt of mine once lived in Hamilton Terrace; she never thought I should come to this. “Guv?” “Yes, my boy.” “Let’s get this kind-hearted coffee-stall keeper to hide us.” We apply. “Will you assist two unfortunate gentlemen?” “No, blowed if I will.” “Why not?” “ ’Cos I’m agoin’ to join in the chase after you.” Ah! Off again, along Maida Vale! On, on, heaven knows how or where, ’till at last, no sound of pursuit, no Cis, no breath, and the early Kilburn buses starting to town. Then I came back again, and not much too soon for the Court. [Going up to the washstand and looking into the little mirror, with alow groan.] Oh, how shockingly awful I look, and how stiff and sore I feel! [Taking off his coat and hanging it on a peg, then washing his hands.] What a weak and double-faced creature to be a magistrate! I really ought to get some member of Parliament to ask a question about me in the House. Where’s the soap? I shall put five pounds and costs into the poor’s box to-morrow. But I deserve a most severe caution. Ah, perhaps I shall get that from Agatha. [He takes off his white tie, rolls it up and crams it into his pocket.] When Wormington arrives I will borrow some money and send out for a black cravat! All my pocket money is in my overcoat at the Hotel des Princes. If the police seize it there is some consolation in knowing that that money will never be returned to me. [There is a knock at the door.] Come in!
Luggenters.
Lugg.
Your servant, Mr. Wyke, wants to see you, sir
Mr. Posket.
Bring him in. [Lugggoes out.] Wyke! From Agatha! From Agatha!
Luggre-enters withWyke.
Wyke.
Ahem! Good morning, sir.
Mr. Posket.
Good morning, Wyke. Ahem! Is Master Farringdon quite well?
Wyke.
He hadn’t arrived home, when I left, sir.
Mr. Posket.
Oh! Where is that boy? [ToWyke.] How’s your mistress this morning, Wyke?
Wyke.
Very well, I hope, sir;sheain’t come home yet, either.
Mr. Posket.
Not returned—nor Miss Verrinder?
Wyke.
No, sir—neither of them.
Mr. Posket.
[To himself.] Lady Jenkins is worse, they are still nursing her! Good women, true women!
Wyke.
[To himself.] That’s eased his deceivin’ old mind.
Mr. Posket.
[To himself.] Now, if the servants don’t betray me and Cis returns safely, the worst is over. To what a depth I have fallen when I rejoice at Lady Jenkins’ indisposition!
Wyke.
Cook thought you ought to know that the mistress hadn’t come home, sir.
Mr. Posket.
Certainly. Take a cab at once to Campden Hill and bring me back word how poor Lady Jenkins is. Tell Mrs. Posket I will come on the moment the Court rises.
Wyke.
Yes, sir.
Mr. Posket.
And, Wyke. It is not at all necessary that Mrs. Posket should know of my absence with Master Farringdon from home last night. Mrs. Posket’s present anxieties are more than sufficient. Inform Cook, and Popham, and the other servants that I shall recognise their discretion in the same spirit I have already displayed towards you.
Wyke.
[With sarcasm.] Thank you, sir. I will. [He produces from his waistcoat-pocket a small packet of money done up in newspaper, which he throws down upon the table.] Meanwhile, sir, I thought you would like to count up the little present of money you gave me last night, and in case you thought you’d been over-liberal, sir, you might halve the amount. It isn’t no good spoiling of us all, sir.
Luggenters.
Mr. Posket.
You are an excellent servant, Wyke; I am very pleased. I will see you when you return from Lady Jenkins’s. Be quick.
Wyke.
Yes, sir. [To himself.] He won’t give me twopence again in a hurry.
[He goes out;Luggis about to follow.
Mr. Posket.
Oh, Lugg, I want you to go to the nearest hosier’s and purchase me a neat cravat.
Lugg.
[Looking inquisitively atMr. Posket.] A necktie, sir?
Mr. Posket.
Yes. [Turning up his coat collar to shield himself fromLugg’sgaze.] A necktie—a necktie.
Lugg.
What sort of a kind of one, sir?
Mr. Posket.
Oh, one like Mr. Wormington’s.
Lugg.
One like he’s wearing this morning, sir?
Mr. Posket.
Of course, of course, of course.
Lugg.
[To himself.] Fancy him being jealous of Mr. Wormington, now. Very good, sir—what price, sir?
Mr. Posket.
The best. [To himself.] There now, I’ve no money. [Seeing the packet on table.] Oh, pay for it with this, Lugg.
Lugg.
Yes, sir.
Mr. Posket.
And keep the change for your trouble.
Lugg.
Thank you, sir; thank you, sir—very much obliged to you, sir. [To himself.] That’s like a liberal gentleman.
[Lugggoes out asMr. Wormingtonenters through the curtains with the charge sheet in his hand.Mr. Wormington,on seeingMr. Posket,uneasily tucks his pocket-handkerchief in his collar so as to hide his necktie.
Mr. Wormington.
H’m! Good morning.
Mr. Posket.
Good morning, Wormington.
Mr. Wormington.
The charge sheet.
Mr. Posket.
Sit down.
[Mr. Wormingtonputs on his spectacles;Mr. Posketalso attempts to put on his spectacles, but hurts the bridge of his nose, winces, and desists.
Mr. Posket.
[To himself.] My nose is extremely painful. [ToMr. Wormington.] You have a bad cold I am afraid, Wormington—bronchial?
Mr. Wormington.
Ahem! Well—ah—the fact is—you may have noticed how very chilly the nights are.
Mr. Posket.
Very, very.
Mr. Wormington.
The only way to maintain the circulation is to run as fast as one can.
Mr. Posket.
To run—as fast as one can—yes—quite so.
Mr. Wormington.
[To himself, looking atMr. Posket’sshirt front.] How very extraordinary—he is wearing no cravat whatever!
Mr. Posket.
[Buttoning up his coat to avoidMr. Wormington’sgaze.] Anything important this morning?
Mr. Wormington.
Nothing particular after the first charge, a serious business arising out of the raid on the “Hotel des Princes.”
Mr. Posket.
[Starting.] “Hotel des Princes?”
Mr. Wormington.
Inspector Messiter found six persons supping there at one o’clock this morning. Two contrived to escape.
Mr. Posket.
Dear me—I am surprised—I mean, did they?
Mr. Wormington.
But they left their overcoats behind them, and it is believed they will be traced.
Mr. Posket.
Oh, do you—do you think it is worth while? The police have a great deal to occupy them just now.
Mr. Wormington.
But surely if the police see their way to capture anybody we had better raise no obstacle.
Mr. Posket.
No—no—quite so—never struck me.
Mr. Wormington.
[Referring to charge sheet.] The remaining four it was found necessary to take into custody.
Mr. Posket.
Good gracious! What a good job the other two didn’t wait. I beg your pardon—I mean—you say we have four?
Mr. Wormington.
Yes, on the charge of obstructing the police. The first assault occurred in the supper-room—the second in the four-wheeled cab on the way to the station. There were five persons in the cab at the time—the two women, the two men, and the Inspector.
Mr. Posket.
Dear me, it must have been a very complicated assault. Who are the unfortunate people?
Mr. Wormington.
The men are of some position. [Reading.] “Alexander Lukyn, Colonel”——
Mr. Posket.
Lukyn! I—I—know Colonel Lukyn; we are old schoolfellows.
Mr. Wormington.
Very sad! [Reading.] The other is “Horace, &c. &c. Vale—Captain—Shropshire Fusiliers.”
Mr. Posket.
And the ladies?
Mr. Wormington.
Call themselves, “Alice Emmeline Fitzgerald and Harriet Macnamara.”
Mr. Posket.
[To himself.] Which is the lady who was under the table with me?
Mr. Wormington.
They are not recognised by the police at present, but they furnish incorrect addresses, and their demeanour is generally violent and unsatisfactory.
Mr. Posket.
[To himself.] Who pinched me—Alice or Harriet?
Mr. Wormington.
I mention this case because it seems to be one calling for most stringent measures.
Mr. Posket.
Wouldn’t a fine, and a severe warning from the Bench, to the two persons who have got away——
Mr. Wormington.
I think not. Consider, Mr. Posket, not only defying the licensing laws, but obstructing the police!
Mr. Posket.
That’s true—it is hard, when the police are doing anything, that they should be obstructed.
Luggenters.
Lugg.
[Attempting to conceal some annoyance.] Your necktie, sir.
Mr. Posket.
S-ssh!
Mr. Wormington.
[To himself.] Then hecamewithout one—dear me!
Lugg.
[Clapping down a paper parcel on the table.] As near like Mr. Wormington’s as possible—brighter if anything.
Mr. Posket.
[Opening the parcel, and finding a very common, gaudy neckkerchief.] Good gracious! What a horrible affair!
Lugg.
According to my information, sir—like Mr. Wormington’s.
Mr. Posket.
Mr. Wormington would never be seen in such an abominable colour.
Mr. Wormington.
Well—really—I—[Removing the handkerchief from his throat.] I am extremely sorry.
Mr. Posket.
My dear Wormington!
Mr. Wormington.
I happen to be wearing something similar—the first time for five-and-twenty years.
Mr. Posket.
Oh, I beg your pardon. [To himself.] Everything seems against me.
Lugg.
One-and-nine it come to, sir. [Producing the paper packet of money and laying it upon the table.] And I brought back all the money you gave me, thinking you’d like to look over it quietly. Really, sir, I never showed up smaller in any shop in all my life!
Mr. Posket.
Upon my word. First one and then another! Whatiswrong with the money. [Opens the packet.] Twopence! [To himself.] That man Wyke will tell all to Agatha! Oh, everything is against me.
[Lugghas opened the door, taken a card from some one outside, and handed it toMr. Wormington.
Mr. Wormington.
From cell No. 3.
[Handing the card toMr. Posket.
Mr. Posket.
[Reading.] “Dear Posket, for the love of goodness see me before the sitting of the Court. Alexander Lukyn.” Poor dear Lukyn! What on earth shall I do?
Mr. Wormington.
Such a course would be most unusual.
Mr. Posket.
Everything is unusual. Your cravat is unusual. This prisoner is invited to dine at my house to-day—that’s peculiar. He is my wife’s first husband’s only child’s god-father—that’s a little out of the ordinary.
Mr. Wormington.
The charge is so serious!
Mr. Posket.
But I am a man as well as a magistrate, advise me, Wormington, advise me!
Mr. Wormington.
Well—you can apply to yourself for permission to grant Colonel Lukyn’s request.
Mr. Posket.
[Hastily scribbling onLukyn’scard.] I do—I do—and after much conflicting argument I consent to see Colonel Lukyn here, immediately. [Handing the card toMr. Wormingtonwho passes it toLugg,who thengoes out.] Don’t leave me, Wormington—you must stand by me to see that I remain calm, firm, and judicial. [He hastily puts on the red necktie in an untidy manner.] Poor Lukyn, I must sink the friend in the magistrate, and in dealing with his errors apply the scourge to myself. [ToMr. Wormington.] Wormington, tap me on the shoulder when I am inclined to be more than usually unusual.
[Mr. Wormingtonstands behind him, andLuggenters withLukyn.Lukyn’sdress-clothes are much soiled and disordered, and he, too, has a small strip of plaster upon the bridge of his nose. There is a constrained pause,LukynandMr. Posketboth cough.
Lukyn.
[To himself.] Poor Posket!
Mr. Posket.
[To himself.] Poor Lukyn!
Lukyn.
[To himself.] I suppose he has been sitting up for his wife all night, poor devil! [ToMr. Posket.] Ahem! How are you, Posket?
[Mr. WormingtontouchesMr. Posket’sshoulder.
Mr. Posket.
I regret to see you in this terrible position, Colonel Lukyn.
Lukyn.
By George, old fellow, I regret to find myself in it. [Sitting, and taking up newspaper.] I suppose they’ve got us in the “Times,” confound ’em!
[WhileLukynis reading the paper,Mr. PosketandMr. Wormingtonhold a hurried consultation respectingLukyn’sbehaviour.
Mr. Posket.
H’m! [ToLugg.] Sergeant, I think Colonel Lukyn may be accommodated with a chair.
Lugg.
He’s in it, sir.
Lukyn.
[Rising and putting down paper.] Beg your pardon, forgot where I was. I suppose everything must be formal in this confounded place?
Mr. Posket.
I am afraid, Colonel Lukyn, it will be necessary even here to preserve strictly our unfortunate relative positions. [Lukynbows.] Sit down. [Lukynsits again.Poskettakes up the charge sheet.] Colonel Lukyn! In addressing you now, I am speaking, not as a man, but, as an instrument of the law. As a man I may, or may not, be a weak, vicious, despicable creature.
Lukyn.
Certainly—of course.
Mr. Posket.
But, as a magistrate I am bound to say you fill me with pain and astonishment.
Lukyn.
Quite right—every man to his trade, go on, Posket.
Mr. Posket.
[Turning his chair to faceLukyn.] Alexander Lukyn—when I look at you—when I look at you—— [He attempts to put on his spectacles.] Ah—my nose. [ToLukyn.] I say, when I look at you, Alexander Lukyn, I confront a most mournful spectacle. A military officer, trained in the ways of discipline and smartness, now, in consequence of his own misdoings, lamentably bruised and battered, shamefully disfigured by plaster, with his apparel soiled and damaged—all terrible evidence of a conflict with that power of which I am the representative.
Lukyn.
[Turning his chair to faceMr. Posket.] Well, Posket, if it comes to that, when I look at you, when I look at you—[He attempts to fix his glass in his eye.] Confound my nose! [ToMr. Posket.] When I look at you,youare not a very imposing object, this morning.
Mr. Posket.
Lukyn!
Lukyn.
You look quite as shaky as I do—and you’re not quite innocent of court plaster.
Mr. Posket.
Lukyn! Really!
Lukyn.
And as for our attire, we neither of us look as if we had slipped out of a bandbox.
Mr. Posket.
Don’t, Lukyn, don’t! Pray respect my legal status! [Mr. WormingtonleadsMr. Posket,who has risen, back to his seat.] Thank you, Wormington. Alexander Lukyn, I have spoken. It remains for you to state your motive in seeking this painful interview.
Lukyn.
Certainly! H’m! You know, of course, that I am not alone in this affair?
Mr. Posket.
[Referring to charge sheet.] Three persons appear to be charged with you.
Lukyn.
Yes. Two others got away. Cowards! If ever I find them, I’ll destroy them!
Mr. Posket.
Lukyn!
Lukyn.
I will! Another job for you, Posket.
Mr. Posket.
[With dignity.] I beg your pardon, in the event of such a deplorable occurrence, I should not occupy my present position. Go on, sir.
Lukyn.
Horace Vale and I are prepared to stand the brunt of our misdeeds. But, Posket, there are ladies in the case.
Mr. Posket.
In the annals of the Mulberry Street Police Court such a circumstance is not unprecedented.
Lukyn.
Two helpless, forlorn ladies.
Mr. Posket.
[Referring to charge sheet.] Alice Emmeline Fitzgerald and Harriet Macnamara. Oh, Lukyn, Lukyn!
Lukyn.
Pooh! I ask no favour for myself or Vale, but I come to you, Posket, to beg you to use your power to release these two ladies without a moment’s delay.
[Mr. WormingtontouchesMr. Posket’sshoulder.
Mr. Posket.
Upon my word, Lukyn! Do you think I am to be undermined?
Lukyn.
Undermine the devil, sir! Don’t talk to me! Let these ladies go, I say! Don’t bring them into Court, don’t see their faces—don’t hear their voices—if you do, you’ll regret it!
Mr. Posket.
Colonel Lukyn!
Lukyn.
[Leaning across the table and grippingMr. Posketby the shoulder.] Posket, do you know that one of these ladies is a married lady?
Mr. Posket.
Of course I don’t, sir. I blush to hear it.
Lukyn.
And do you know that from the moment this married lady steps into your confounded Court, the happiness, the contentment of a doting husband, become a confounded wreck and ruin?
Mr. Posket.
Then, sir, let it be my harrowing task to open the eyes of this foolish doting man to the treachery, the perfidy, which nestles upon his very hearthrug!
Lukyn.
Oh, lor’! Be careful, Posket! By George, be careful!
Mr. Posket.
Alexander Lukyn, you are my friend. Amongst the personal property taken from you when you entered these precincts may have been found a memorandum of an engagement to dine at my house to-night at a quarter to eight o’clock. But, Lukyn, I solemnly prepare you, you stand in danger of being late for dinner! I go further—I am not sure, after this morning’s proceedings, that Mrs. Posket will be ready to receive you.
Lukyn.
I’m confoundedly certain shewon’t!
Mr. Posket.
Therefore, Lukyn, as an English husband and father it will be my duty to teach you and yourdisreputable companions [referring to charge-sheet], Alice Emmeline Fitzgerald and Harriet Macnamara, some rudimentary notions of propriety and decorum.
Lukyn.
Confound you, Posket—listen!
Mr. Posket.
I am listening, sir, to the guiding voice of Mrs. Posket—that newly-made wife still blushing from the embarrassment of her second marriage, and that voice says, “Strike for the sanctity of hearth and home, for the credit of the wives of England—no mercy!”
Mr. Wormington.
It is time to go into Court, sir. The charge against Colonel Lukyn is first on the list.
Lukyn.
Posket, I’ll give you one last chance! If I write upon a scrap of paper the real names of these two unfortunate ladies, will you shut yourself up for a moment, away from observation, and read these names before you go into Court?
Mr. Posket.
Certainly not, Colonel Lukyn! I cannot be influenced by private information in dealing with an offence which is, in my opinion, as black as—as my cravat! Ahem!
[Mr. WormingtonandMr. Posketlook at each other’s necktie and turn up their collars hastily.
Lukyn.
[To himself.] There’s no help for it. [ToMr. Posket.] Then Posket, you must have the plain truth where you stand, by George! The two ladies who are my companions in this affair are——
Mr. Posket.
Sergeant! Colonel Lukyn will now join his party.
[Luggsteps up toLukynsharply.
Lukyn.
[Boiling with indignation.] What, sir? What?
Mr. Posket.
Lukyn, I think we both have engagements—will you excuse me?
Lukyn.
Posket! You’ve gone too far! If you went down on your knees, which you appear to have been recently doing, and begged the names of these two ladies, you shouldn’t have ’em! No sir, by George, you shouldn’t.
Mr. Posket.
Good morning, Colonel Lukyn.
Lukyn.
You’ve lectured me, pooh-poohed me, snubbed me—a soldier, sir—a soldier! But when I think of your dinner-party to-night, with my empty chair, like Banquo, by George, sir—and the chief dish composed of a well-browned, well-basted, family skeleton, served up under the best silver cover, I pity you, Posket! Good morning!
[He marches out withLugg.
Mr. Posket.
Ah! Thank goodness that ordeal is passed. Now, Wormington, I think I am ready to face the duties of the day! Shall we go into Court?
Mr. Wormington.
Certainly, sir.
[Mr. Wormingtongathers up papers from the table.Mr. Posketwith a shaking hand pours out water from carafe and drinks.
Mr. Posket.
My breakfast. [ToMr. Wormington.] I hope I defended the sanctity of the Englishman’s hearth, Wormington?
Mr. Wormington.
You did, indeed. As a married man, I thank you.
Mr. Posket.
Give me your arm, Wormington! I am not very well this morning, and this interview with Colonel Lukyn has shaken me. I think your coat-collar is turned up, Wormington.
Mr. Wormington.
So is yours, I fancy, sir.
Mr. Posket.
Ahem!
[They turn their collars down;Mr. PoskettakesMr. Wormington’sarm. They are going towards the curtains whenWykeenters hurriedly at the door.
Wyke.
Excuse me, sir.
Mr. Wormington.
Hush! hush! Mr. Posket is just going into Court.
Wyke.
Lady Jenkins has sent me back to tell you that she hasn’t seen the missis for the last week or more.
Mr. Posket.
Mrs. Posket went to Campden Hill with Miss Verrinder last night!
Wyke.
They haven’t arrived there, sir.
Mr. Posket.
Haven’t arrived!
Wyke.
No sir—and even a slow four-wheeler won’t account for that.
Mr. Posket.
Wormington! there’s something wrong! Mrs. Posket quitted a fairly happy home last night and has not been seen or heard of since!
Mr. Wormington.
Pray don’t be anxious, sir, the Court is waiting.
Mr. Posket.
But I am anxious! Tell Sergeant Lugg to look over the Accident-Book, this morning’s Hospital Returns, List of Missing Children, Suspicious Pledges People left Chargeable to the Parish, Attend to your Window Fastenings——! I—I—Wormington, Mrs. Posket and I disagreed last night.
Mr. Wormington.
Don’t think of it, sir! you should hear me and Mrs. Wormington! Pray do come into Court.
Mr. Posket.
Court! I’m totally unfit for business! totally unfit for business!
[Mr. Wormingtonhurries him off through the curtains.Luggenters, almost breathless.
Lugg.
We’ve got charge one in the Dock—all four of ’em. [SeeingWyke.] Hallo! you back again!
Wyke.
Yes—seems so. [They stand facing each other, dabbing their foreheads with their handkerchiefs.] Phew! you seem warm.
Lugg.
Phew! you don’t seem so cool.
Wyke.
I’ve been lookin’ after two ladies.
Lugg.
So have I.
Wyke.
I haven’t found ’em.
Lugg.
If I’d known, I’d a been pleased to lend you our two.
[From the other side of the curtains there is the sound of a shriek fromAgatha PosketandCharlotte.
Wyke.
Lor’! what’s that!
Lugg.
Thatisour two. Don’t notice them—they’re hystericals. They’re mild now to what they have been. I say, old fellow—is your guv’nor all right in his head?
Wyke.
I suppose so—why?
Lugg.
I’ve a partickler reason for asking. Does he ever tell you to buy him anything and keep the change?
Wyke.
What d’yer mean?
Lugg.
Well, does he ever come down handsome for your extry exertion—do you ever get any tips?
Wyke.
Rather. What do you think he made me a present of last night?
Lugg.
Don’t know.
Wyke.
Twopence—to buy a new umbrella.
Lugg.
Well, I’m blessed! And he gave me the same sum to get him a silk necktie. It’s my opinion he’s got a softening of the brain. [Another shriek from the two women, a cry fromMr. Posket,and then a hubbub are heard. Running up to the curtains and looking through.] Hallo! what’s wrong? Here! I told you so—he’s broken out, he’s broken out.
Wyke.
Who’s broken out?
Lugg.
The lunatic. Keep back, I’m wanted.
[He goes through the curtains.
Wyke.
[Looking after him.] Look at the guv’nor waving his arms and going on anyhow at the prisoners! Prisoners! Gracious goodness—it’s the missis!
[Amid a confused sound of voicesMr. Posketis brought in, through the curtains, byMr. Wormington.Luggfollows.
Mr. Posket.
Wormington! Wormington! the two ladies! the two ladies! I know them!
Mr. Wormington.
It’s all right, sir, it’s all right—don’t be upset, sir!
Mr. Posket.
I’m not well; what shall I do?
Mr. Wormington.
Nothing further, sir. What you have done is quite in form.
Mr. Posket.
What Ihavedone?
Mr. Wormington.
Yes, sir—you did precisely what I suggested—took the words from me. They pleaded guilty.
Mr. Posket.
Guilty!
Mr. Wormington.
Yes, sir—and you sentenced them.
Mr. Posket.
Sentenced them! The ladies!
Mr. Wormington.
Yes, sir. You’ve given them seven days, without the option of a fine.
[Mr. Posketcollapses intoMr. Wormington’sarms.
The scene changes toMr. Posket’sdrawing-room, as in the first act.
Beatieenters timidly, dressed in simple walking-costume.
Beatie.
How dreadfully early. Eleven o’clock, and I’m not supposed to come till four. I wonder why I want to instruct Cis all day. I’m not nearly so enthusiastic about the two little girls I teach in Russell Square.
Pophamenters. Her eyes are red as if from crying.
Popham.
[Drawing back on seeingBeatie.] That music person again. I beg your pardon—I ain’t got no instructions to prepare no drawing-room for no lessons till four o’clock.
Beatie.
I wish to see Mrs. Posket.
Popham.
She hasn’t come home.
Beatie.
Oh then—er—um—Master Farringdon will do.
Popham.
[In tears.] He haven’t come home either!
Beatie.
Oh, where is he?
Popham.
No one knows! His wicked old stepfather took him out late last night and hasn’t returned him. Such a night as it was, too, and him still wearing his summer under-vests.
Beatie.
Mr. Posket?
Popham.
Mr. Posket—no, my Cis!
Beatie.
How dare you speak of Master Farringdon in that familiar way?
Popham.
How dare I? Because me and him formed an attachment before ever you darkened our doors. [Taking a folded printed paper from her pocket.] You may put down the iron ’eel too heavy, Miss Tomlinson. I refer you toBow Bells—“First Love is Best Love; or, The Earl’s Choice.”
[AsPophamoffers the paper,Cisenters, looking very pale, worn-out, and dishevelled.
Popham and Beatie.
Oh!
Cis.
[Staggering to a chair.] Where’s the mater?
Popham.
Not home yet.
Cis.
Thank giminy!
Beatie.
He’s ill!
Popham.
Oh!
[Beatie,assisted byPopham,quickly wheels the large armchair forward, they catch hold ofCisand place him in it, he submits limply.
Beatie.
[TakingCis’shand.] What is the matter, Cis dear? Tell Beatie.
Popham.
[Taking his other hand.] Well, I’m sure! Who’s given you raisins and ketchup from the store cupboard? Come back to Emma!
[Cis,with his eyes closed, gives a murmur.
Beatie.
He’s whispering!
[They both bob their heads down to listen.
Popham.
He says his head’s a-whirling.
Beatie.
Put him on the sofa.
[They take off his boots, loosen his necktie, and dab his forehead with water out of a flower-vase.
Cis.
I—I—I wish you two girls would leave off.
Beatie.
He’s speaking again. He hasn’t had any breakfast! He’s hungry!
Popham.
Hungry! I thought he looked thin! Wait a minute, dear! Emma Popham knows what her boy fancies!
[She runs out of the room.
Cis.
Oh, Beatie, hold my head while I ask you something.
Beatie.
Yes, darling!
Cis.
No lady would marry a gentleman who had been a convict, would she?
Beatie.
No; certainly not!
Cis.
I thought not! Well, Beatie, I’ve been run after by a policeman.
Beatie.
[Leaving him.] Oh!
Cis.
Not caught, you know, only run after; and, walking home from Hendon this morning, I came to the conclusion that I ought to settle down in life. Beatie—could I write out a paper promising to marry you when I’m one-and-twenty?
Beatie.
Don’t be a silly boy—of course you could.
Cis.
Then I shall; and when I feel inclined to have a spree, I shall think of that paper and say, “Cis Farringdon, if you ever get locked up, you’ll lose the most beautiful girl in the world.”
Beatie.
And so you will.
[He goes to the writing-table.
Cis.
I’d better write it now, before my head gets well again.
[He writes; she bends over him.
Beatie.
You simple, foolish, Cis! If your head is so queer, shall I tell you what to say?
Pophamenters, carrying a tray with breakfast dishes.
Popham.
[To herself.] He won’t think so much ofhernow. His breakfast is my triumph. [ToCis.] Coffee, bacon, and a teacake.
Beatie.
Hush! Master Farringdon is writing something very important.
Popham.
[Going to the window.] That’s a cab at our door.
Cis.
It must be the mater—I’m off!
[He picks up his boots and goes out quickly.
Beatie.
[Following him with the paper and inkstand.] Cis! Cis! You haven’t finished the promise! You haven’t finished the promise!
Lugg.
[Heard outside.] All right, sir—I’ve got you—I’ve got you.
[Pophamopens the door.
Popham.
The master and a policeman! [Luggenters supportingMr. Posketwho sinks into an armchair with a groan.] Oh, what’s the matter?
Lugg.
All right, my good girl, you run downstairs and fetch a drop of brandy and water.
Mr. Posket.
[Hurrying out.] Oh!
Lugg.
Now don’t take on so, sir. It’s what might happen to any married gentleman. Now, you’re all right now, sir. And I’ll hurry back to the Court to see whether they’ve sent for Mr. Bullamy.
Mr. Posket.
My wife! My wife!
Lugg.
Oh, come now, sir, whatisseven days! Why many a married gentleman in your position, sir, would have been glad to have made it fourteen.
Mr. Posket.
Go away—leave me.
Lugg.
Certainly, sir. [Pophamre-enters with a small tumbler of brandy and water; he takes it from her and drinks it.] It’s not wanted. I’m thankful to say he’s better.