“‘Ay, tell your story free, off-hand,When wi’ a bosom crony;But still keep something to yoursel’You’ll scarcely tell to ony.’
“‘Ay, tell your story free, off-hand,When wi’ a bosom crony;But still keep something to yoursel’You’ll scarcely tell to ony.’
“‘Ay, tell your story free, off-hand,
When wi’ a bosom crony;
But still keep something to yoursel’
You’ll scarcely tell to ony.’
“Do not needlessly report ill of others. There are times when we are compelled to say, ‘I do not think Bouncer a true and honest man.’ But when there is no need to express an opinion, let poor Bouncer swagger away. Others will take hismeasure, no doubt, and save you the trouble of analyzing him and instructing them. And as far as possible dwell on the good side of human beings. There are family-boards where a constant process of depreciating, assigning motives and cutting up character goes forward. They are not pleasant places. One who is healthy does not wish to dine at a dissecting-table. There is evil enough in men, God knows. But it is not the mission of every young man and woman to detail and report it all. Keep the atmosphere as pure as possible, and fragrant with gentleness and charity.â€
Persons of kindly natures take pleasure in repeating the pleasant things they hear one acquaintance say of another; on the other hand, persons of an envious, jealous nature repeat the unpleasant thing they hear, or nothing. There is nothing that does more to promote kindly feeling than the repeating of pleasant things.
Never say, “It is my opinion,†or “I believe,†or “I thinkâ€â€”expressions that differ but little in meaning—when you are not thoroughly acquainted with the matter. In a matter of which a man has no knowledge he can have noopinion; he can, atthe most, have animpression. Say, therefore, when speaking of a matter of which you know little or nothing, if you would talk like a man of sense, “My impression is,†or “from the little I know of the matter, my impression is,†or “I know only enough of the matter to allow myself an impression, and that is,†or something of the sort. Men that are always ready with their “opinion†generally have noopinionsof anything.
“There is a kind of pin-feather gentility,†says “The Verbalist,†“that seems to have a settled aversion to using the termsmanandwoman. Well-bred men, men of culture and refinement—gentlemen, in short—use the termsladyandgentlemancomparatively little, and they are especially careful not to call themselvesgentlemenwhen they can avoid it. A gentleman, for example, does not say, ‘I, with someothergentlemen, went,’ etc.; he is careful to leave out the wordother. The men that use these terms most, and especially those that lose no opportunity to proclaim themselvesgentlemen, belong to that class of men that cock their hats on one side of their heads, and often wear them when and where gentlemen would remove them; thatpride themselves on their familiarity with the latest slang; that proclaim their independence by showing the least possible consideration for others; that laugh long and loud at their own wit; that wear a profusion of cheap jewelry, use bad grammar, and interlard their talk with big oaths.â€
“Socially, the termgentleman,†says the London periodical,All the Year Round, “has become almost vulgar. It is certainly less employed by gentlemen than by inferior persons. The one speaks of ‘a man I know,’ the other of ‘a gentleman I know.’ Again, as regards the termlady. It is quite in accordance with the usages of society to speak of your acquaintance the duchess as ‘a very nice person.’ People who say ‘a very nice lady’ are not generally of a social class that has much to do with duchesses.â€
“The termsladyandgentleman,†says the LondonQueen, “become in themselves vulgar when misapplied, and the improper application of the wrong term at the wrong time makes all the difference in the world to ears polite.â€
“Bashfulness,†says Bacon, “is a great hindrance to a man both of uttering his conceit andunderstanding what is propounded unto him; wherefore it is good to press himself forward with discretion both in speech and company of the better sort.â€
“Shyness,†says a modern writer, “cramps every motion, clogs every word. The only way to overcome the fault is to mix constantly in society, and the habitual intercourse with others will give you the ease of manner that shyness destroys.â€
“In all kinds of speech,†says Bacon, “either pleasant, grave, severe, or ordinary, it is convenient to speak rather slowly than hastily; because hasty speech confounds the memory, and oftentimes drives a man either to a nonplus or unseemly stammering upon what should follow; whereas a slow speech confirmeth the memory, addeth a conceit of wisdom to the hearers, besides a seemliness of speech and countenance.â€
The man of real dignity, of real intellectual strength, never hesitates to establish a sort of friendly relation with his servants and subordinates. If you see a man going about with a “ramrod down his back,†looking over the heads of his servants and subordinates, you may be surethat he knows just enough to know that his dignity is a nurseling and needs his constant attention.
Be not in haste to take offence; be sure first that an indignity is intended. He that calls you hard names, if they are unmerited, is beneath your resentment; if merited, you have no right to complain. In either case, nine times in ten, the better course is to say little and go your way. A well-bred man seldom if ever feels justified in indulging in recrimination. Altercations are as much to be avoided as personal encounters.
It often requires more courage to avoid a quarrel than to engage in one, and then the courage that keeps one out of a quarrel is the courage of the philosopher, while the courage that leads one into a quarrel is the courage of the bully. He that boasts of his prowess is a blackguard.
Steer wide of the stupid habit many persons get into of repeating questions that are asked them, and of asking others to repeat what they have said. If you take the trouble to observe, you will find your experience with these people to be something like this: “Will this street take me into Chatham Square?†“Chatham Square, did you say?â€You go into a men’s furnishing store and ask: “Will you show me some sixteen-inch collars?†“Sixteen inch, did you say?†You ask an acquaintance: “How long have you been in New York?†“How long have I been in New York, did you say?†or, “Which do you think the prettier of the two?†“Which do I think the prettier?†or, “I think it will be warmer to-morrow.†“What did you say?†or, “Patti was ill and did not sing last evening.†“What do you say, Patti didn’t sing?†“When do you expect to break yourself of the habit of asking me to repeat everything I say, or of repeating everything over after me?†“When do I expect to break myself of the habit?†If you think you have been understood, all you have to do, as a rule, is to keep silent and look your interlocutor full in the face for a moment to be made sure of it.
There is a kind of comparatively harmless gossip that some men indulge in, that makes them appear very diminutive in the eyes of men of the world. I refer to the habit some men have of making what may chance to come to their knowledge of other people’s affairs and movements the subject ofconversation. Though there is generally nothing malicious in the gabble of these busybodies, it sometimes causes a deal of unpleasantness. Men whose ambition it is to appear knowing,know, if they did but know it, far less than their discreet-mouthed neighbors.
All writers on the amenities of conversation agree that the discussion of politics and religion should be excluded from general society, for the reason that such discussions are very liable to end unpleasantly. Yet this would never be the case, if we were sufficiently philosophic to reflect that we are all what circumstances have made us, and that we, with only now and then an exception, should be of the same opinions as our neighbors had we been reared under like influences. When we censure another for his way of thinking, if we did but know it, we find fault not with him, but with the surroundings amid which he has grown up. There are but very few men in the world that have opinions that are really their own,i.e., that are the product of their own, independent judgment. Most men simply echo the opinions that have chanced to fall to their lot, and had other opinions chanced to fallto their lot—though directly opposed to those they now entertain—they would, in like manner, have echoed them—have fought for them, if occasion offered. But as there are very few of us that are not swayed by prejudice rather than guided by philosophy, politics and religion are, and are pretty sure to remain, dangerous topics to introduce into the social circle, and that, too, for the simple reason, as already intimated, that they are subjects upon which people generally feel so deeply that they cannot discuss them calmly, courteously, and rationally.
We sometimes meet with persons that lose no opportunity to say sharp things—things that wound. They are occasionally persons of some wit, but they are never persons of any wisdom, or they would not do what is sure to make them many enemies. Good manners without kindliness is impossible.
Persons of the best fashion avoid expressing themselves in the extravagant. They leave inflation to their inferiors, with many of whom nothing short of the superlative will suffice. From them we hear such expressions as “awfully nice,†“beastly ugly,†“horridly stuck up,†“frightfully cold,â€â€œsimply magnificent,†and “just divine,†while persons of better culture, to express the same thoughts, content themselves with “very pretty,†“very plain,†“rather haughty,†“very cold,†“excellent,†and the like. Intemperance in the use of language, like intemperance in everything else, is vulgar.