THEMERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR.ACT I.I. 1Scene I.Windsor. BeforePage’shouse.EnterJustice Shallow, Slender, andSir Hugh Evans.Shal.Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star-chamber matter of it: if he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.Slen.In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace5and ‘Coram.’Shal.Ay, cousin Slender, and ‘Custalorum.’Slen.Ay, and ‘Rato-lorum’ too; and a gentleman born, master parson; who writes himself ‘Armigero,’ in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation, ‘Armigero.’10Shal.Ay, thatIdo; and have done any time these three hundred years.Slen.All his successors gone before himhathdone’t; and all his ancestors that come after him may: they may15give the dozen white luces in their coat.Shal.It is an old coat.Evans.The dozen white louses do become an old coat well; it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to man, and signifies love.Shal.The luce isthe fresh fish; the salt fish is an20old coat.Slen.I may quarter, coz.Shal.You may, by marrying.Evans.It ismarringindeed, if he quarter it.Shal.Not a whit.I. 1.25Evans.Yes,py’r lady; if he has a quarter of your coat, there is but threeskirtsfor yourself, in my simple conjectures: but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff have committed disparagementsuntoyou, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my benevolence to make atonements and30compremisesbetween you.Shal.The council shall hear it; it is a riot.Evans.It is not meet the councilheara riot; there is no fear of Got in a riot: the council, look you, shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot;take your35vizaments in that.Shal.Ha! o’ my life, if I were young again, the sword should end it.Evans.It is petter that friends is the sword,andend it: and there is also another device in my prain, which peradventure40pringsgootdiscretions with it:—there is Anne Page, which is daughter to MasterThomasPage, which is pretty virginity.Slen.Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speakssmalllike a woman.45Evans.It is that fery person for all theorld, as just as you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon his death’s-bed (Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!) give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years old: it were agootmotion if weI. 1.50leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.Slen.Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?Evans.Ay, andher fatheris make her a petter penny.Slen.I know the young gentlewoman; she has good55gifts.Evans.Seven hundred pounds andpossibilitiesis goot gifts.Shal.Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?60Evans.Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do despise one that is false, or as I despise one that is not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and, I beseech you, be ruled by yourwell-willers. I will peat the door for Master Page. [Knocks] What, hoa! Got pless your house here!65Page.[Within] Who’s there?EnterPage.Evans.Here is Got’s plessing, and your friend, and Justice Shallow; andhereyoung Master Slender, that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your likings.70Page.I am glad to see yourworshipswell. I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.Shal.Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do it your good heart! I wished your venison better; it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?—and II. 1.75thankyou always with my heart, la! with my heart.Page.Sir, I thank you.Shal.Sir, Ithankyou; by yea and no, I do.Page.I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.Slen.How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard80say he was outrun onCotsall.Page.It could not be judged, sir.Slen.You’ll not confess, you’ll not confess.Shal.That he will not. ’Tis your fault, ’tis your fault; ’tis a good dog.85Page.A cur, sir.Shal.Sir, he’s a good dog, and a fair dog: can there be more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?Page.Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office between you.90Evans.It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.Shal.He hath wronged me, Master Page.Page.Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.Shal.If it be confessed, it is not redressed: is not that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he hath;95at a word, he hath, believe me: Robert Shallow, esquire, saith, he is wronged.Page.Here comes Sir John.EnterSir John Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym, andPistol.Fal.Now, Master Shallow, you’ll complain of me to theking?I. 1.100Shal.Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my lodge.Fal.But not kissed your keeper’sdaughter?Shal.Tut, a pin! this shall be answered.Fal.I will answer it straight; I have done all this.105That is now answered.Shal.Thecouncilshall know this.Fal.’Twere better for you if it wereknownincounsel: you’ll be laughed at.Evans.Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.110Fal.Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke your head: what matter have you against me?Slen.Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, andPistol.115Bard.You Banbury cheese!Slen.Ay, it is no matter.Pist.How now, Mephostophilus!Slen.Ay, it is no matter.Nym.Slice, I say! pauca, pauca: slice! that’s my120humour.Slen.Where’s Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?Evans.Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is three umpires in this matter, as I understand;I. 1.125that is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself, fidelicet myself; and thethreeparty is, lastly and finally, mine host of theGarter.Page.We three, to hear it and end it between them.Evans.Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my130note-book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with as greatdiscreetlyas we can.Fal.Pistol!Pist.He hears with ears.Evans.The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, ’He135hears with ear’? why, it is affectations.Fal.Pistol, did you pick Master Slender’s purse?Slen.Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else, of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards,140that cost me two shilling and two pence a-piece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.Fal.Is this true, Pistol?Evans.No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.145Pist.Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and master mine,I combat challenge of thislatten bilbo.Word of denial inthy labras here!Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest!Slen.By these gloves, then, ’twas he.I. 1.150Nym.Beavised, sir, and pass good humours: I will say ‘marry trap’ with you, if you runthe nuthook’s humouron me; that is the very note of it.Slen.By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me155drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.Fal.What say you, Scarlet and John?Bard.Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences.Evans.It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is!160Bard.And beingfap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and so conclusions passed thecareires.Slen.Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but ’tis no matter: I’ll ne’er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick: if I be drunk,165I’ll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.Evans.So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.Fal.You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.EnterAnne Page, with wine;Mistress FordandMistress Page, following.170Page.Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we’ll drink within.Exit Anne Page.Slen.O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.Page.How now, Mistress Ford!Fal.Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very wellI. 1.175met: by your leave, good mistress.Kisses her.Page.Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.Exeunt all except Shal., Slen., and Evans.Slen.I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book180of Songs and Sonnets here.EnterSimple.How now, Simple! where have you been? I must wait on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles about you, have you?Sim.Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to185Alice Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnight aforeMichaelmas?Shal.Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with you, coz; marry,this, coz: there is, as ’twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do190you understand me?Slen.Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I shall dothat thatis reason.Shal.Nay, but understand me.Slen.So I do, sir.195Evans.Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.Slen.Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I pray you, pardon me; he’s a justice of peace in his country, simple though I stand here.I. 1.200Evans.But that is not the question: the question is concerning your marriage.Shal.Ay, there’s the point, sir.Evans.Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page.205Slen.Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands.Evans.But can you affection the ’oman? Let us command to know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of themouth.210Therefore, precisely, can youcarryyour good will to the maid?Shal.Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?Slen.I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that would do reason.215Evans.Nay, Got’s lords and his ladies! you must speak possitable, if you cancarry heryour desires towards her.Shal.That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?220Slen.I will do a greater thing than that, upon your request, cousin, in any reason.Shal.Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz: what I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?Slen.I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if thereI. 1.225be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and have more occasion to know one another; I hope, upon familiarity will grow morecontempt: but if you say, ‘Marry her,’ I will marry her; that I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.230Evans.It is a fery discretion answer; save thefallis in the ort ‘dissolutely:’ the ort is, according to our meaning, ‘resolutely:’ his meaning is good.Shal.Ay, I think my cousin meant well.Slen.Ay, or else I would I might behanged, la!235Shal.Here comes fair Mistress Anne.Re-enterAnne Page.Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne!Anne.The dinner is on the table; my father desires your worships’ company.Shal.I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.240Evans.Od’s plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.Exeunt Shallow and Evans.Anne.Will’t please your worship to come in, sir?Slen.No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.245Anne.The dinner attends you, sir.Slen.I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin Shallow. [Exit Simple.] A justice of peace sometimes may bebeholdingto his friend for a man. I keep butI. 1.250three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead: but what though? yet I livelikea poor gentleman born.Anne.I may not go in without your worship: they will not sit till you come.Slen.I’ faith, I’ll eat nothing; I thank you as much as255though I did.Anne.I pray you, sir, walk in.Slen.I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my shin th’ other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a dish of stewed260prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? be there bears i’ the town?Anne.I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.Slen.I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel265at it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not?Anne.Ay, indeed, sir.Slen.That’s meat and drink to me, now. I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the270chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so cried andshrieked at it, that it passed: but women, indeed, cannot abide ’em; they are very ill-favoured rough things.Re-enterPage.Page.Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.I. 1.275Slen.I’ll eatnothing, I thank you, sir.Page.By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come.Slen.Nay, pray you, lead the way.Page.Come on, sir.280Slen.Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.Anne.Not I, sir; pray you, keep on.Slen.Truly, I will not go first; truly, la! I will not do you that wrong.Anne.I pray you, sir.285Slen.I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!Exeunt.I. 2Scene II.The same.EnterSir Hugh EvansandSimple.Evans.Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius’ house which is the way: and there dwells one Mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse, or hisdrynurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and hiswringer.5Sim.Well, sir.Evans.Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it is a ’oman that altogether’s acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page: and the letter is, to desire and require her to solicit your master’s desires to Mistress Anne Page. I10pray you, be gone: I will make an end of my dinner; there’s pippins andcheeseto come.Exeunt.I. 3Scene III.A room in the Garter Inn.EnterFalstaff, Host,Bardolph, Nym, Pistol, andRobin.Fal.Mine host of the Garter!Host.What says mybully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely.Fal.Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my5followers.Host.Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot.Fal.I sit at ten pounds a week.Host.Thou’rt an emperor, Cæsar, Keisar, and Pheezar.10I will entertain Bardolph;he shall draw, he shall tap: said I well, bully Hector?Fal.Do so, good mine host.Host.I have spoke; let him follow. [To Bard.] Let mesee thee frothandlime: I am at a word; follow.Exit.15Fal.Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade: an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.Bard.It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive.Pist.O baseHungarianwight! wilt thou the spigot20wield?Exit Bardolph.Nym.He was gotten in drink: is not the humourconceited?Fal.I am glad I am soacquitof this tinder-box: his thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilfulI. 3.25singer; he kept not time.Nym.The good humour is to steal at aminute’srest.Pist.‘Convey,’ the wise it call. ‘Steal!’ foh! a fico for the phrase!Fal.Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.30Pist.Why, then, let kibes ensue.Fal.There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.Pist.Young ravens must have food.Fal.Which of you know Ford of this town?35Pist.I ken the wight: he is of substance good.Fal.My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.Pist.Two yards, and more.Fal.No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am40about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, shecarves, she gives the leer of invitation: I can construe the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be Englished rightly, is, ‘I am Sir John Falstaff’s.’45Pist.He hathstudied her will, andtranslated her will, out of honesty into English.Nym.Theanchoris deep: will that humour pass?Fal.Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse:hehatha legionof angels.I. 3.50Pist.As many devilsentertain; and ‘To her, boy,’ say I.Nym.The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels.Fal.I have writ me here a letter to her: and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes55too, examined my parts with most judiciousœillades; sometimes the beam of her viewgildedmy foot, sometimes my portly belly.Pist.Then did the sun on dunghill shine.Nym.I thank thee for that humour.60Fal.O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here’s another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will becheatersto them both, and65they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.Pist.Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,70And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!Nym.I will run no base humour: here, take the humour-letter: I will keep the haviour of reputation.Fal.[To Robin] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letterstightly;Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.I. 3.75Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;Trudge, plod awayo’ thehoof; seek shelter, pack!Falstaff willlearnthehumouroftheage,French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page.Exeunt Falstaff and Robin.Pist.Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd andfullam holds,80And high and lowbeguilesthe rich and poor:Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,Base Phrygian Turk!Nym.I haveoperationswhich be humours of revenge.Pist.Wilt thou revenge?85Nym.By welkin and herstar!Pist.With wit or steel?Nym.With both the humours, I:I willdiscussthe humour of this love toPage.
Shal.Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star-chamber matter of it: if he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.
Slen.In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace5and ‘Coram.’
Shal.Ay, cousin Slender, and ‘Custalorum.’
Slen.Ay, and ‘Rato-lorum’ too; and a gentleman born, master parson; who writes himself ‘Armigero,’ in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation, ‘Armigero.’
10Shal.Ay, thatIdo; and have done any time these three hundred years.
Slen.All his successors gone before himhathdone’t; and all his ancestors that come after him may: they may15give the dozen white luces in their coat.
Shal.It is an old coat.
Evans.The dozen white louses do become an old coat well; it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to man, and signifies love.
Shal.The luce isthe fresh fish; the salt fish is an20old coat.
Slen.I may quarter, coz.
Shal.You may, by marrying.
Evans.It ismarringindeed, if he quarter it.
Shal.Not a whit.
I. 1.25Evans.Yes,py’r lady; if he has a quarter of your coat, there is but threeskirtsfor yourself, in my simple conjectures: but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff have committed disparagementsuntoyou, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my benevolence to make atonements and30compremisesbetween you.
Shal.The council shall hear it; it is a riot.
Evans.It is not meet the councilheara riot; there is no fear of Got in a riot: the council, look you, shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot;take your35vizaments in that.
Shal.Ha! o’ my life, if I were young again, the sword should end it.
Evans.It is petter that friends is the sword,andend it: and there is also another device in my prain, which peradventure40pringsgootdiscretions with it:—there is Anne Page, which is daughter to MasterThomasPage, which is pretty virginity.
Slen.Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speakssmalllike a woman.
45Evans.It is that fery person for all theorld, as just as you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon his death’s-bed (Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!) give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years old: it were agootmotion if weI. 1.50leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.
Slen.Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?
Evans.Ay, andher fatheris make her a petter penny.
Slen.I know the young gentlewoman; she has good55gifts.
Evans.Seven hundred pounds andpossibilitiesis goot gifts.
Shal.Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?
60Evans.Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do despise one that is false, or as I despise one that is not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and, IÂ beseech you, be ruled by yourwell-willers. IÂ will peat the door for Master Page. [Knocks] What, hoa! Got pless your house here!
65Page.[Within] Who’s there?
Evans.Here is Got’s plessing, and your friend, and Justice Shallow; andhereyoung Master Slender, that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your likings.
70Page.I am glad to see yourworshipswell. I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.
Shal.Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do it your good heart! I wished your venison better; it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?—and II. 1.75thankyou always with my heart, la! with my heart.
Page.Sir, I thank you.
Shal.Sir, Ithankyou; by yea and no, IÂ do.
Page.I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.
Slen.How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard80say he was outrun onCotsall.
Page.It could not be judged, sir.
Slen.You’ll not confess, you’ll not confess.
Shal.That he will not. ’Tis your fault, ’tis your fault; ’tis a good dog.
85Page.A cur, sir.
Shal.Sir, he’s a good dog, and a fair dog: can there be more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?
Page.Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office between you.
90Evans.It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.
Shal.He hath wronged me, Master Page.
Page.Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
Shal.If it be confessed, it is not redressed: is not that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he hath;95at a word, he hath, believe me: Robert Shallow, esquire, saith, he is wronged.
Page.Here comes Sir John.
Fal.Now, Master Shallow, you’ll complain of me to theking?
I. 1.100Shal.Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my lodge.
Fal.But not kissed your keeper’sdaughter?
Shal.Tut, a pin! this shall be answered.
Fal.I will answer it straight; I have done all this.105That is now answered.
Fal.I will answer it straight; I have done all this.
105That is now answered.
Shal.Thecouncilshall know this.
Fal.’Twere better for you if it wereknownincounsel: you’ll be laughed at.
Evans.Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.
110Fal.Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, IÂ broke your head: what matter have you against me?
Slen.Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, andPistol.
115Bard.You Banbury cheese!
Slen.Ay, it is no matter.
Pist.How now, Mephostophilus!
Slen.Ay, it is no matter.
Nym.Slice, I say! pauca, pauca: slice! that’s my120humour.
Slen.Where’s Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?
Evans.Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is three umpires in this matter, as I understand;I. 1.125that is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself, fidelicet myself; and thethreeparty is, lastly and finally, mine host of theGarter.
Page.We three, to hear it and end it between them.
Evans.Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my130note-book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with as greatdiscreetlyas we can.
Fal.Pistol!
Pist.He hears with ears.
Evans.The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, ’He135hears with ear’? why, it is affectations.
Fal.Pistol, did you pick Master Slender’s purse?
Slen.Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else, of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards,140that cost me two shilling and two pence a-piece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.
Fal.Is this true, Pistol?
Evans.No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.
145Pist.Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and master mine,I combat challenge of thislatten bilbo.Word of denial inthy labras here!Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest!
145Pist.Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and master mine,
I combat challenge of thislatten bilbo.
Word of denial inthy labras here!
Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest!
Slen.By these gloves, then, ’twas he.
I. 1.150Nym.Beavised, sir, and pass good humours: I will say ‘marry trap’ with you, if you runthe nuthook’s humouron me; that is the very note of it.
Slen.By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me155drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
Fal.What say you, Scarlet and John?
Bard.Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences.
Evans.It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is!
160Bard.And beingfap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and so conclusions passed thecareires.
Slen.Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but ’tis no matter: I’ll ne’er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick: if I be drunk,165I’ll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.
Evans.So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
Fal.You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.
170Page.Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we’ll drink within.
Exit Anne Page.
Slen.O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.
Page.How now, Mistress Ford!
Fal.Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very wellI. 1.175met: by your leave, good mistress.Kisses her.
Page.Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, IÂ hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
Exeunt all except Shal., Slen., and Evans.
Slen.I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book180of Songs and Sonnets here.
How now, Simple! where have you been? I must wait on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles about you, have you?
Sim.Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to185Alice Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnight aforeMichaelmas?
Shal.Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with you, coz; marry,this, coz: there is, as ’twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do190you understand me?
Slen.Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, IÂ shall dothat thatis reason.
Shal.Nay, but understand me.
Slen.So I do, sir.
195Evans.Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.
Slen.Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I pray you, pardon me; he’s a justice of peace in his country, simple though I stand here.
I. 1.200Evans.But that is not the question: the question is concerning your marriage.
Shal.Ay, there’s the point, sir.
Evans.Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page.
205Slen.Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands.
Evans.But can you affection the ’oman? Let us command to know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of themouth.210Therefore, precisely, can youcarryyour good will to the maid?
Shal.Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
Slen.I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that would do reason.
215Evans.Nay, Got’s lords and his ladies! you must speak possitable, if you cancarry heryour desires towards her.
Shal.That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?
220Slen.I will do a greater thing than that, upon your request, cousin, in any reason.
Shal.Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz: what I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?
Slen.I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if thereI. 1.225be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and have more occasion to know one another; I hope, upon familiarity will grow morecontempt: but if you say, ‘Marry her,’ I will marry her; that I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.
230Evans.It is a fery discretion answer; save thefallis in the ort ‘dissolutely:’ the ort is, according to our meaning, ‘resolutely:’ his meaning is good.
Shal.Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
Slen.Ay, or else I would I might behanged, la!
235Shal.Here comes fair Mistress Anne.
Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne!
Anne.The dinner is on the table; my father desires your worships’ company.
Shal.I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.
240Evans.Od’s plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.
Exeunt Shallow and Evans.
Anne.Will’t please your worship to come in, sir?
Slen.No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.
245Anne.The dinner attends you, sir.
Slen.I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin Shallow. [Exit Simple.] AÂ justice of peace sometimes may bebeholdingto his friend for a man. IÂ keep butI. 1.250three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead: but what though? yet I livelikea poor gentleman born.
Anne.I may not go in without your worship: they will not sit till you come.
Slen.I’ faith, I’ll eat nothing; I thank you as much as255though I did.
Anne.I pray you, sir, walk in.
Slen.I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my shin th’ other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a dish of stewed260prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? be there bears i’ the town?
Anne.I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.
Slen.I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel265at it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not?
Anne.Ay, indeed, sir.
Slen.That’s meat and drink to me, now. I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the270chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so cried andshrieked at it, that it passed: but women, indeed, cannot abide ’em; they are very ill-favoured rough things.
Page.Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.
I. 1.275Slen.I’ll eatnothing, I thank you, sir.
Page.By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come.
Slen.Nay, pray you, lead the way.
Page.Come on, sir.
280Slen.Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
Anne.Not I, sir; pray you, keep on.
Slen.Truly, I will not go first; truly, la! I will not do you that wrong.
Anne.I pray you, sir.
285Slen.I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!
Exeunt.
Evans.Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius’ house which is the way: and there dwells one Mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse, or hisdrynurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and hiswringer.
5Sim.Well, sir.
Evans.Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it is a ’oman that altogether’s acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page: and the letter is, to desire and require her to solicit your master’s desires to Mistress Anne Page. I10pray you, be gone: I will make an end of my dinner; there’s pippins andcheeseto come.
Exeunt.
Fal.Mine host of the Garter!
Host.What says mybully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely.
Fal.Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my5followers.
Host.Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot.
Fal.I sit at ten pounds a week.
Host.Thou’rt an emperor, Cæsar, Keisar, and Pheezar.10I will entertain Bardolph;he shall draw, he shall tap: said I well, bully Hector?
Fal.Do so, good mine host.
Host.I have spoke; let him follow. [To Bard.] Let mesee thee frothandlime: IÂ am at a word; follow.Exit.
15Fal.Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade: an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.
Bard.It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive.
Pist.O baseHungarianwight! wilt thou the spigot20wield?
Exit Bardolph.
Nym.He was gotten in drink: is not the humourconceited?
Fal.I am glad I am soacquitof this tinder-box: his thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilfulI. 3.25singer; he kept not time.
Nym.The good humour is to steal at aminute’srest.
Pist.‘Convey,’ the wise it call. ‘Steal!’ foh! a fico for the phrase!
Fal.Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
30Pist.Why, then, let kibes ensue.
Fal.There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.
Pist.Young ravens must have food.
Fal.Which of you know Ford of this town?
35Pist.I ken the wight: he is of substance good.
Fal.My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
Pist.Two yards, and more.
Fal.No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am40about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, shecarves, she gives the leer of invitation: I can construe the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be Englished rightly, is, ‘I am Sir John Falstaff’s.’
45Pist.He hathstudied her will, andtranslated her will, out of honesty into English.
Nym.Theanchoris deep: will that humour pass?
Fal.Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse:hehatha legionof angels.
I. 3.50Pist.As many devilsentertain; and ‘To her, boy,’ say I.
Nym.The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels.
Fal.I have writ me here a letter to her: and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes55too, examined my parts with most judiciousœillades; sometimes the beam of her viewgildedmy foot, sometimes my portly belly.
Pist.Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
Nym.I thank thee for that humour.
60Fal.O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here’s another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will becheatersto them both, and65they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
Pist.Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,70And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!
Pist.Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
70And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!
Nym.I will run no base humour: here, take the humour-letter: IÂ will keep the haviour of reputation.
Fal.[To Robin] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letterstightly;Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.I. 3.75Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;Trudge, plod awayo’ thehoof; seek shelter, pack!Falstaff willlearnthehumouroftheage,French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page.
Fal.[To Robin] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letterstightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
I. 3.75Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;
Trudge, plod awayo’ thehoof; seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff willlearnthehumouroftheage,
French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page.
Exeunt Falstaff and Robin.
Pist.Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd andfullam holds,80And high and lowbeguilesthe rich and poor:Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,Base Phrygian Turk!
Pist.Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd andfullam holds,
80And high and lowbeguilesthe rich and poor:
Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
Nym.I haveoperationswhich be humours of revenge.
Pist.Wilt thou revenge?
85Nym.By welkin and herstar!
Pist.With wit or steel?
Nym.With both the humours, I:I willdiscussthe humour of this love toPage.
Nym.With both the humours, I:
I willdiscussthe humour of this love toPage.