Chapter 6

Customer—Why do you call this electric cake?

Baker's Boy—I 'spose becuz it has currants in it.

"That tenor of yours has a marvelous voice. He can hold one of his notes for half a minute."

"Shucks! I've held one of his notes for two years."

Coleridge, who was a bad rider, was accosted when on horseback by a wag, who asked him if he knew what happened to Balaam, "The same thing that happened to me—An ass spoke to him."

Mother—"What did your father say when he saw his broken pipe?" Innocent—"Shall I leave out the swear words, mother?" Mother—"Certainly, my dear." Innocent—"Then I don't think he said anything."

"So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy, were you?" asked the garrulous person; "regular comic-opera bandits, eh?"

"No sir," said the traveler; "there was nothing of the comic-opera style about them. The gags they used were all new."

An excellent reason.—Casey—"Oi'll wurk no more fer thot mon Dolan." Mrs. Casey—"An' phwy?" Casey—"Shure, t'is an account av a remark thot he made t' me." Mrs. Casey—"Phwat did he say?" Casey—"Sez he, 'Pat, ye're discharged.'"

Old Lady(at a ball game)—"Why do they call that a fowl? I don't see no feathers."

O'Riley—"No ma'am. It's a picked nine."

Men are deceivers as a rule,And trust them far you never can;Though at confectioner's sometimesYou may unearth a candied man!

A lady was looking for her husband and inquired anxiously of a housemaid, "Do you happen to know anything of your master's whereabouts?"

"I'm not sure, ma'am," replied the careful domestic, "but I think they are in the wash."

"Have you much room in your new flat?"

"Room! Mercy me, I should think not. Why, our kitchen and dining-room are so small that we have to use condensed milk."

"Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant." "While driving through the park don't speak to your horses. They carry tales." "All animals are not in cages. There are some dandelions on the lawn."

She heard the fog-horn blowing,"And what is that?" quoth she,The sailor merrilyReplied: "it's just the dog-watch, ma'am,Whose bark is on the sea."

"She thinks that her husband is very economical."

"In what way?"

"She says that although he is passionately fond of cloves, he never eats but one at a time."

"I saw your sister on the street to-day."

"How was she looking?"

"I don't know. I didn't see her face."

"How did you know it was my sister?"

"Oh, I'm quick at figures."

"What is the secret of success?" asked the Sphinx.

"Push," said the Button.

"Never be led," said the Pencil.

"Take pains," said the Window.

"Always keep cool," said the Ice.

"Be up to date," said the Calendar.

"Never lose your head," said the Barrel.

"Make light of everything," said the Fire.

"Do a driving business," said the Hammer.

"Aspire to greater things," said the Nutmeg.

"Be sharp in all your dealings," said the Knife.

"Find a good thing and stick to it," said the Glue.

"Do the work you are suited for," said the Chimney.

He kissed her on the cheek;It seemed a harmless frolic;He's been laid up a week—They say, with painter's colic.

Charlemagne was in need of amusement.

"Why," they asked him, "do you have such a large number of court jesters in constant attendance on your royal person?"

"Because," he replied, with a right regal chuckle, "I could not earn the surname of 'The Great' were I not careful to keep my wits about me."

A certain young man told his girl the other night that if she didn't marry him he'd get a rope and hang himself right in front of her home.

"Oh, please don't do it, Harry," she said. "You know father doesn't want you hanging around here."

Three women may a secret keepIf, as it has been said,There's one of the lot has heard it notAnd the other two are dead.

Lovett—You don't believe in divorce, then?

Hayter—No, sir; I've got too much sportin' blood.

Lovett—What has that to do with it?

Hayter—I believe in a fight to the finish.

Lawyer: "Have you conscientious scruples against serving as a juror where the penalty is death?"

Boston Talesman: "I have."

Lawyer: "What, is your objection?"

Boston Talesman: "I do not desire to die."

Cohen left the ball-game because he said the umpire looked right at him when he called "three balls!"

"A Maine dealer says he has sold more skates this season than he has ever sold before in an entire season."

"That proves what I have contended right along."

"What's that?"

"That prohibition does not prohibit."

Alas, for all their ecstasy,They knew not what was best:The young man reached the front door,The old man did the rest.

"Paw, can an honest man play poker?"

"Yes, Tommy; but he can't win anything."

[131]If Pearl Street is crooked;Is Union Square?

"Why so glum, Blumly? Anything gone wrong?"

"Yes, I've just lost two of my best friends."

"By death or marriage?"

"Neither. I loaned them money."

Little Mary, quite contrary,How does your appetite grow?Lobsters and quail, champagne in a pail,And a "friend" to supply all the dough!

He—Then I am to understand that you have given me the mitten, as it were?

She—You have said it.

He—And is this all?

She—Of course it is. What more do you want—a pair of socks?

"Hey, boy, where's your brother?"

"In the barn, shoein' horses."

"Where's your mother?"

"In the back yard, shooin' chickens."

"Where's your father?"

"In the hammock, shooin' flies."

"Harold!" began his wife, in a furious temper, "my mind is made up——"

"Mercy!" interrupted her husband; "is that so? I had hoped that your mind, at least, was your own!"

Customer: "You have a sign in your window, 'A suit of clothes made while you wait.' Do you really do that?"

Tailor: "Yes, sir. You leave your order, with a deposit, and then go home and wait till the garments are finished."

"Mother, may I go out to wheel?""Yes, my darling daughter;I suppose, of course, you won't wear skirts,Although I think you oughter."

Lady—What! You here again? I don't believe you have done a thing all Summer.

Tramp—You do me an injustice, mum. I jist finished doin' thirty days.

"Betty, why do you sit up at this hour of the night darning your stockings?" said mother, sharply; "don't you know it's 12 o'clock?"

"Oh, yes," laughed Betty, "but it's never too late to mend!"

"Now, why," remarked the little dog, in speaking to the tree,"Would you say that the heart of you is like the tail of me?"The tree gave the conundrum up. The pup, with wisdom dark,Explained the matter saying, "It is farthest from the bark."

Butcher—I need a boy about your size, and will give you $1 a week.

Applicant—Will I have a chance to rise?

Butcher—Yes; I want you to be here at four o'clock in the morning.

A prominent man called to condone with a lady on the death of her husband, and concluded by saying, "Did he leave you much?"

"Nearly every night," was the reply.

Bill had a billboard. Bill also had a board bill. The board bill bored Bill so that Bill sold the billboard to pay board bill. So, after Bill sold his billboard to pay his board bill, the board bill no longer bored Bill.

Tommy—Pa, did you really mean it when you said you'd spank anyone that broke that vase?

Pa—Just come here, sir, and I'll show you.

Tommy—Don't show me. Show Bridget; she just broke it.

"Hereliespoor Sam: and what is strange,Grim death has worked in him a change——Healways liedand always will,He once lied loud and now liesstill."

"I'd like to see your mistress. Is she engaged?"

"Lord, sir! she's married; been married for twenty years."

Brown—I hear that they use all sorts of materials in the manufacture of illuminating gas, nowadays.

Jones—True. They even make light of the consumer's complaints.

"Me eyes is crossed," sighed Kate. "No, love,""Not crossed," cried Pat. "Be jaber,'Tis jist that aich is jealous ofThe beauty av its neighbor."

The other day the head of a boarding-school noticed one of the boys wiping his knife on the table-cloth, and pounced on him at once.

"Is that what you do at home?" he asked indignantly.

"Oh, no," answered the boy quickly, "we have clean knives."

John—Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast?

Tom—Sure I do.

John—Glue it to the floor.

"Pa," said little Willie, who had been reading a treatise on phrenology, "what is a bump of destructiveness?"

"Why—er—a railroad collision, I suppose,"

He always kneeled before the maidAnd kissed her finger tips;But he lost out. Another manCame by and kissed her lips.

"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I hope you are not going into politics."

"What made you think of that?"

"I heard you talking in your sleep about 'standing pat.'"

A man and his bride by the parson were tied,And when the performance was done,"Alas!" exclaimed he, examining his fee,"I add one to one and make one."

Mistress(to cook who has fallen down stairs)—I hope that you did not hurt yourself, Mary?

Mary—Oh, no, ma'am; Oi overtook meself at the bottom.

[137]We're all often forced to rob PeterIn order to settle with Paul,But some of us merely rob PeterAnd Paul never sees us at all.

She—"I think this a lovely hat you bought me, George, but really it's a sin to pay $50.00 for it."

He—"Well, the sin is on your own head, not mine."

Knock, and the world knocks with you;Boost, and you boost alone!When you roast good and loudYou will find that the crowdHas a hammer as big as your own!

"How did you cure your boy of swearing?"

"By the laying on of hands, principally."

"Ma, what is a Panama man called?"

"A Panaman, Johnny."

"Then what is a Panama woman?"

"If she's married and obeys President Roosevelt she's just a plain Panama."

[138]He who courts and goes away,May court again another day;But he who weds and courts girls stillMay go to court against his will.

A notice at a small depot near Manchester reads:

"Passengers are requested to cross over the railway by the subway."

This reminds us of the oft-quoted notice put up at the ford of an Irish river:

"When this board is under water the river is unpassable."

Mary had a little lamb,But she thought it was immense:With new green peas and other thingsIt cost her ninety cents.

Little Willie—Papa, why does the railway company have those cases with the ax and saw in every car?

Father—I presume they are put in to use in case anyone wants to open a window.

[139]The kerosene can on the mantel reposes,Its contents were sprinkled all over the fire,And all that poor Kathleen O'Donohue knows is,This dull world has changed for a sphere that is higher.

"He seems to have gone to the bad completely."

"Yes; I believe he found himself between the devil and the deep sea, and he realized that he couldn't swim."

As he walked with babyHe had to confessThat marriage with himWas a howling success.

The Spinster—How many lodges did you say your husband belonged to?

The Wife—Fifteen.

The Spinster—My goodness! just think of a man being out fifteen nights a week! Well, I'm glad that I'm an old maid.

[140]Seven little missionaries—Horrible their fate—Cannibals picked clean their bonesThen they were ate.

Judge—You are charged with profanity.

Prisoner—I am not.

Judge—You are, sir. What do you mean?

Prisoner—I was, but I got rid of it.

"I hate a liar," Wiggins cried,Said Jiggins, "Then 'twould seemYou really ought to try and hideYour lack of self-esteem."

"Kind lady," remarked the weary wayfarer, "can you oblige me with something to eat?"

"Go to the woodshed and take a few chops," replied the kind lady.

Lady (after the tramp finishes eating)—It's merely a suggestion—the woodpile is in the back yard.

Tramp—You don't say! What a splendid place for a woodpile!

[141]Said she, "How beautiful is nature!"Said the young man, "Yes, quite true;"Then, added, as he viewed her complexion,"And art is quite beautiful, too."

"How to make your trousers last,""Make your coat and waistcoat first."

The stork is a bird with a great big bill;He brings us the babies whenever he will;Then comes the doctor, and when he is through,You find that he has a big bill, too.

"Dearest," whispered Cordelia, after she had captured the coveted solitaire, "I have a confession to make. I am a cooking school graduate."

Clarence shuddered.

"Oh, well," he rejoined, after the manner of one resigned to his fate, "we can board."

If t-o-u-g-h spells tough,And d-o-u-g-h spells dough,Does s-n-o-u-g-h spell snuff?Or, simply snow?

The Wife(savagely)—Don't let me catch you flirting.

The Husband(meekly)—No, dear, never again. That's the way you did catch me, you know!

He called her an angel before they were wed,But that, alas! didn't endure.For ere many months had passed over his head,He wished that she was one for sure.

Elderly Man (greeting former acquaintance)—"I remember your face perfectly, miss, but your name has escaped me."

The Young Woman—"I don't wonder. It escaped me three years ago. I am married now."

"These verses make no sense," said she;"I can't tell what they mean.""Good! they'll make dollars then," cried he,"In any magazine."

The Barber—Did I ever shave you before?

The Victim—Yes, once.

The Barber—I don't remember your face.

The Victim—No; I suppose not. It's all healed up now.

They say the baby looks like me,A circumstance I dreaded,But the only likeness I can seeIs that we're both bald-headed.

"Do you think the things one eats have a direct effect on one's disposition?"

"Well, rather. We had Indian meal pudding so often at our house that everybody got savage."

"I once saw a man at a meeting of a mothers' club."

"That's nothing; I once saw a teetotaler on a fishing trip."

[144]Bluff a little, bluff a littleAs you go your way;Bluffing may not always help you—Many times it may.Bluff a little, bluff a little;Men may rail at you—But you'll see by watching closelyThat they're bluffing, too.

[144]Bluff a little, bluff a littleAs you go your way;Bluffing may not always help you—Many times it may.

Bluff a little, bluff a little;Men may rail at you—But you'll see by watching closelyThat they're bluffing, too.

The butcher is a fair minded fellow. He is always willing to meet his customers half weigh.

A queen was she—the beautiful maid—Beauty or wealth she did not lack—But the game was euchre that Cupid played,And the Queen was won by a Jack.

"So you paid $1,000 for a cook stove! Don't you think that was a good deal?"

"Yes, but they threw in a cook with it: she was warranted to stay two years!"

"Where are you going, my pretty maid?""I'm going to cut the corn," she said."Can I go with you, my pretty maid?""You're no chiropodist," she said.

Medium—Do you believe in spirits?

Busyman(off guard)—When taken in moderation, yes.

"You never bought a gold brick, did you?" asked the admiring friend.

"Not exactly," answered Mr. Cumrox. "But I once came mighty near having a French count for a son-in-law."

The fate of Lot's wifeWas all her own fault;She first turned to "rubber,"And then turned to salt.

I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads, and was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee. All the rest of us sit down.

I replied, solemnly, that "I was always told to stand for the weak."

He used to send her roses;He sent them every hour,But now they're married and he sendsHer home a cauliflower.

John—I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had was a peach.

Tom—That's nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I let the beer settle.

Her face was happy,His face was stern;Her hand was in his'n,His'n was in her'n.

Jack—"My wife's a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every time."

Fred—"That's nothing, my wife goes through my trousers and never misses a dime."

A man wanted a ticket to New York, and only had a $2 bill. It required $3 to get the ticket. He took the $2 bill to a pawnshop, pawned it for $1.50. On his way back to the depot he met a friend, to whom he sold the pawn ticket for $1.50. That gave him $3. Now, who's out that dollar?

"Is a howling dog a sign of death?"Said Doolittle to Dunn."Of course it is, if the dog will waitUntil I get my gun."

"No, indeed," she said, "I can never be your wife. Why, I had half a dozen offers before yours."

"Huh!" rejoined the young man in the case. "That's nothing. I proposed to at least a dozen girls before I met you."

There was a young woman named Hannah,Who put on a great many airs,She stepped on a peel of banana,And now she's laid up for repairs.

"What sort of labor is best paid in this country?" asked the English tourist.

"Field labor," answered the native American.

"Is that a fact?" queried the Englishman, who was inclined to be a bit skeptical.

"Sure," replied the other. "You ought to see the salaries our baseball players get."

This life's a game of chance, they say:The saw's more sad than witty,The public gathers 'round to play,The trust controls the "kitty."

George—I can't understand why my girl shook me.

Harold—What was that you wrote to her the last time?

George—All that I said was, "My Dear Susie: The dog I promised you has just died. Hoping these few lines will find you the same. Yours, George."

Now comes the question which will makeThis life a bitter cup....How many hoopskirts will it takeTo fill a trolley car up?

"Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks," remarked a Portland commercial traveller, "the best I ever saw was in a town near Bangor. Just before I retired I heard a scampering under the bed and looked under, expecting to see a burglar. Instead I saw a couple of large rats just escaping into their hole. I dressed and went down to the office and put in a big kick. The clerk was as serene as a summer's breeze.

"'I'll fix that, all right, sir,' he said. 'Front! Take a cat to 23 at once.'"

A recent school examination in England elicited the following definitions:

"Noah's wife," wrote one boy, "was called Joan of Arc." "Water," wrote another, "is composed of two gases, oxygen and cambrigen." "Lava," replied a third youth, "is what the barber puts on your face." "A blizzard," insisted another child, "is the inside of a fowl."

"Why don't you demand $50,000 instead of $5,000?" said the lawyer.

"Oh, because," explained the lady of the breach of promise suit. "Then he might change his mind and want to marry me."

"I'll admit," said Mrs. Hylo, "there are some things I don't know"——

"That's no lie," interrupted her husband.

"But," continued the alleged better half of the combination, "that man doesn't live who can tell me what they are."

"Friend of mine to-day," said Mr. Kidder, "was talking of coming here to board."

"I hope," remarked Mrs. Starvem, "you were pleased to recommend our table and"——

"Sure! Told him it was just the thing for him. He's a pugilist and wants to increase his reach."

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