In the growing gloom, Guillaumin pointed out De Valpic to me, deep in conversation with an officer in the Dragoons. When the latter had hurried on, our friend came back to us.
"I've just seen my cousin De Montjezieu. It's ripping the way one comes across people!"
"Any news?"
"Yes—interesting too."
We looked up anxiously.
In a few words he repeated the information he had just received. It was this. We were engaged in what might be called the second battle of the Ourcq, for there had been another fought and lost, between the 4th and 7th, by the plucky divisions of reservists from the Paris garrison. The great object of the Staff had been to collect a large army of fresh men to place in the hands of the Commander-in-Chief, the 7th Army Corps coming from Alsace, the 4th—that was ours—and then the divisions from Africa which had just disembarked at Marseilles. (So there was some truth in Pomot's tales, I thought.) With all those combined we should pull it off. We had been withstanding the pressure brought to bear on our weakest point all that day. Now we were going to take the offensive. If we managed to pierce their line...! From a certain thrill in his voice I imagined that that was not all.
"What? What more do you know? Out with it!"
De Valpic hesitated for a moment: "And the decisive attack, the Big Push, is to come off to-night, according to my cousin!"
"Do you believe it?"
Guillaumin yawned. "I say, they're not counting on us, I hope!"
"Why?" I said, sharply.
"We've done our bit!"
"That's no reason!"
"I'm sleepy."
"Get down to it, old chap. We'll wake you in time for the fun."
He lay down in the ditch. The night reigned. Searchlights swept the heavens. There was an occasional star-shell, and firing all the time. A fresh breeze got up.
Some time slipped by. We were all, or nearly all, dozing. That vague fusillade in the distance would have been enough to upset us. But suddenly without a whistle, without a call, everyone was on his feet. The echo of a bugle-call was borne to us on the wind, coming from several miles away—impressive, rousing notes. The solemn sound of the Charge. Each man seized his arms ready to rush forward.
But it was not to be. The captain came by: "Our turn will come, lads. Go on resting for the present—sleep, if possible!"
He certainly had us well in hand. Those few words from him were enough. The men lay down in the grass again, wrapping their greatcoats round them, and it was not long before they were sound asleep. Stars were shining in the calm sky above us.
CHAPTER XXI
THE CULMINATION
"Upyou get, sir!"
"What, what!"
Guillaumin was in front of me, smiling and swinging a lantern. Half-joking, he repeated: "I think we're in for it, sir!"
I got up. Shadows were moving round us. The sharp air stung. The night was clear but moonless. I asked what time it was. Three o'clock.
I immediately had a pleasant surprise. That form on the road—"Humel!" I dashed at him. "Hulloa, my boy! So you got through!"
"By jove! It was a bit of luck," he acknowledged.
I hungrily clamoured for details.
He explained: "You see, as long as we stayed in the trench, things went all right. We managed to hold the Bosches. They weren't particularly keen to face the bayonet. But at night we had no more ammunition. The men got unstrung and wanted to do a bunk. Delafosse opposed it—as you may imagine. Some of them began to slope off. The lieutenant made up his mind to it, and we followed them. But the Bosches got wind of it and opened fire at us. That's when we got cut up—not one out of four got away."
"The lieutenant?"
"Knocked out, disappeared."
Another name was on the tip of my tongue.
Humel understood, and lowered his voice! "Descroix? He stayed behind, too."
I, in my turn, told him of Henriot's death, and about Playoust. I saw his forehead wrinkle. He said nothing. I took his arm.
"Well, we're here!"
"Not for long," he murmured, downheartedly.
"Yes! Yes! I swear that you, you, you understand, will get through!"
What did I know of it? But I had said it with such assurance that I felt it had given him new heart.
There was a short whistle—the captain calling up the N.C. O's.
"Well, my friends," he said, "we have been complimented on our resistance the other night, and up till four o'clock yesterday in front of the Montrolle woods. Apparently we did not do badly!" He waited for a minute. "That is not all. We are asked, or I should say commanded, to intervene again. A great honour for the regiment!"
We were all hanging on his lips.
"Mind you remember this date," he said, "in case we come back. This is the night, the 9th to the 10th, that the battle is to be won. We are attacking all along the line, and I think I may be allowed to tell you, in confidence, that some of our comrades alongside have just entered Silly-le-Long. At the other extremity the Zouaves have taken Lizy-sur-Ourcq. The enemy is apparently still in possession of a little hill near here. What we've got to do is to oust them from it." His voice trembled. He must have been trying to find a last word of encouragement. Not succeeding, he added: "We start in five minutes!"
A remark not lacking in eloquence.
I joined De Valpic in the darkness. His cough had made me aware of his presence.
Guillaumin, who ran against us, said, in a joking tone: "Well, if we aren't polished off this time!" And then, a little more gravely: "If only it's of some use."
"Do you doubt it?"
"I? What do you think? I wouldn't change places. Those who have missed this——"
He rummaged in his pocket, pulled out a sou, and threw it into the air! "Heads we win!"
"And if it's the reverse?"
"A reverse for the Bosches!"
He hunted about in the dark.
"Can't you find it?"
"It never fell. It went straight up into the sky! The best sign of all."
We did not touch upon any more serious topics. We assembled, and started off. De Valpic left us to join his platoon.
"Good-bye."
We shook hands. We were never to see him again.
The most complete human friendship had drawn us together during the last fortnight.
We marched along a road in silence for half an hour. Then we extended into the fields, like mute armed phantoms, the noise of our footsteps absorbed by the ground.
For the first time I had taken my place at the head of my platoon. My eyes searched the darkness. I regulated our pace by the captain's, whose tall silhouette stood out against the blackness. I formed only one wish which was this: that our interventionmight have a decisive quality. A wish which resembled a prayer. I implored, I don't know what God, to grant me the good fortune to be a hero.
The ground was rising in a gentle slope. We were guided towards the east by a pale transparency, herald of the day. In that direction lay the enemy; the enemy whose sentries no doubt had orders to fire upon all suspicious objects. The first bullets would be for me. I did not think of them or fear them. The fifty men behind me, who would act as I acted, were a miraculous incentive.
There was a hollow exclamation close by on our left. A sentry! A shot rang out, followed by a second. I quickened the pace, my men remaining close at my heels.
In front of us, at a distance which was difficult to estimate, we could make out a noise and what seemed like confusion. On the left an already heavy fusillade was crackling. The absurd idea crossed my mind of giving orders for a volley. But the captain contented himself with raising his sword. Advance!
Our speed increased. Charging pace, fix bayonets! Some of the men were inclined to pass me. I restrained them below my breath.
There was a sudden volley of bullets, meant for us, but distinctly too high. We advanced bent double. There was a newrafale. This I felt was bearing to the right, where De Valpic's platoon was. A mysterious shock warned me that at that second my friend—my friend had succumbed.... Mown down, this fine life. But this destiny held no terror for him. And what other awaited us!
The balls continued to mew fiercely in our ears like terrible cats. It felt like the blows of wooden hammers which would pound and crush everything to dust—("would bash our heads in"; the popular expression just fitted it).
I was thinking of that when I became aware of a sort of fluctuation behind me. Somebody shouted: "Kneel!"
It was amazing. My line had instantly given way, and thrown themselves down. There was an immediate clash of steel, followed by feverish firing. A bullet whistled past my nose. I threw myself on to the ground and turned round and cursed Henry, the clumsy lout, who was firing and firing.
What was to be done. The captain yonder was bellowing in an infuriated voice: "Advance! Advance!"
I got up, waving my rifle, and shouted: "Come along, No. 3 platoon. Show them what you're made of!"
A few of them got up and followed me. The majority hesitated. There was no time to wait. We took about twenty steps at the double. I had to stop. There were only sixpoiluswith me!
I shouted again. I yelled. The bullets were still cracking. They passed us coming from both sides. I recoiled. The confusion was terrible. I bumped into Humel. Guillaumin turned up bringing us a handful of men. I remember that I asked him coldly: "How far off are they?"
"A hundred yards."
"Good. We've got 'em!"
Then I don't quite know what happened after that. It hardly lasted a minute. It seemed like a hundred years! I believe I rushed back in search of my men, shouting:
"This way! Come along! Follow me!"
I flew. I furrowed the ground, sowing the sacred fire in my tracks.
"Look, they can't touch us!"
They were no longer firing on our left. Hand-to-hand fighting must be going on—a cacophony. Noises which had nothing human left about them. No doubt the enemy was giving ground. I stumbled near a long ditch, a first-line trench, which they had already abandoned.
I felt sure that I was going to be killed, but oddly enough I cared very little. To-day or to-morrow, what did it matter! A thousand thoughts thronged each other in my mind. The dominant one, simple and sublime, was that Victory was leaning towards us. We should carry this hill, for I could see our men wriggling along the ground to rejoin us, and grouping themselves again.
The light and serenity, the frenzy of it! I swear that at that instant France was really something other than an abstract entity for me: the whole in which I participated, which was me and more than me. Of my own free will I was sacrificing my paltry individuality. I was melting a wan unit into the collective consciousness of the beings of my country.
Surprise may be caused by the fact that I found time to revolve all these thoughts in my mind during these brief moments, among this chaos, where I might be seen dashing about madly, expending myself in exhortations and reproaches.
Well, I did find time for them, and for a thousand others! I myself, lucid and multiplied, marvelled at it.
My resources were increased tenfold. I burst intoblossom. I attained the apogee of my power. The instant in which I raised myself to the conception of the immense national soul was also that in which my own spirit was expanded most largely. Nothing escaped me. I was twenty beings. I had a tender thought for the memory of my mother; one for my brother who had fallen; for those of my people who remained. And you, Jeannine, my betrothed, I evoked your face and let my lips caress it lightly. I descried all that life we should have lived together, and tasted all its happiness to the full. I adored you, oh my well beloved! I was certain, that at that instant you knew that I was being killed for your sake, that you were proud of it, and sobbed for it.
My men were collected there, lying with their eyes fixed on me, already half raised, ready to dart forward.
As I looked at them and counted them over, a fantastic idea struck me. Fifty living men. In a minute, half of them would be dead, at a sign from me.
Gloomily determined, I enjoyed my fatal power. Did I spare myself? No. I remained on my feet, and the bullets made a nimbus round me. Preserved by a constant miracle, I moved among these fiery trajectories like a salamander.
And then, ruminating on a vague hope of living, I dreamt that a fate protected me; that death was overawed by my temerity.
The hour struck in the depths of my consciousness.
I included all my men, body and soul, in a comprehensive gesture to advance.
Their undulating line moved as one man. Bouillon was just behind me. In getting up he seemed tostumble, and fell like a stone, with a bullet in his forehead.
Then I began to run quickly, straight ahead. There was no longer any need to turn round. Behind me I could hear that breathing, and the heavy trot regulated by mine. We formed an inseparable block, they and I. If any fell, their places were filled up. Twenty yards away I saw phantoms scattering.
"They're bolting!"
My own voice seemed to swell in the deep-throated roars which it tore from my companions. Living, rolling thunder! The enemy overcome and swept away! Full of a prodigious reserve of breath, life, and pride I was going to—
A-a-h!
CHAPTER XXII
SERENITY
I hadfallen face downwards. I experienced a sensation of shattering and laceration. My eyes closed. I made a convulsive effort to get up. Impossible! But where was I wounded? My head was swimming, everything was turning round me. I was dying.
"Your leg, isn't it?"
I succeeded in opening my eyes again.
Guillaumin!
"Yes—I think so!" I stammered.
"Hurts a bit, what?"
I tried to lift up my head and spit some soil out. Everything grew dim again. I caught sight of a clown's face—Judsi, leaning over me, too.
"Carry on! Carry on!" I murmured.
They disappeared from my field of vision. I saw another line of men pass in skirmishing order, then another. Was my brain affected? Why did I think I was back in camp at Mailly and once more taking part in the parade before the Bey of Tunis?
By some strange instinct, I dreaded being helped. I preferred to die in peace. For I thought my hour had come, and abandoned myself unregretfully.
Meanwhile, some time passed. Instead of agonising, I recovered my wits.
It was my right leg that had been hit—the bone to a certainty! For the moment, the pain was not so intolerable. I felt as if my leg had been substituted by a mass of lead.
Ah! The sun! Already high in the heavens!
I now began to wish for help, but the plateau was abandoned. Quite near me there was a dead body—poor Prunelle—fallen in the posture of an oriental suppliant. Farther on Gaufrèteau was drawing his last breath.
A tree stood a few yards off; a minute rise in the ground blocked out all the horizon.
I was thinking, longing to find out what really had happened. I struggled obstinately to turn over onto one side. At last I succeeded. By raising myself up on my elbow, I was able to examine my leg. It made a hideous angle under the trouser. The foot turned back towards the knee. There would have been reason enough to shudder, if that inert mass had not literally seemed a thing quite apart from me.
I thought of dressing my wound, but my strength was not up to undoing my pack and slitting up the cloth round my leg.
What was the result of the engagement? Everything tended to show that our masterly stroke at dawn had been successful. But were we following up our advantage? And how far? If only I could have dragged myself as far as that tree! I calculated the distance. What hope possessed me? I succeeded at the cost of real torture in getting into a sitting position. Now my plan was made. I must move backwards, propelling myself by my fists!
Oh! what a ghastly journey that was! I watched the removal of my leg. It was throbbing, but did notcause me acute pain, and seemed as if paralysed; mis-shapen and swollen, like a great ball, pinning me to the ground. I was as weak as a baby. Ten times over my head sank, my clenched fingers relaxed. I allowed myself a good rest, first after each half yard then after each foot, then even this latter distance seemed to me excessive.
Having attained my end—how I do not know—I drew breath for a long time.
It now remained for me—I was ambitious—to stand up—to see something. I gripped the trunk with both arms, while my sound leg stiffened—in vain—my God! The other was pinned to the ground!
I changed my tactics, and set about raising myself on one knee. When I had got there, I exerted all the strength of my being, and began to pull myself up slowly, oh, so slowly! My grip alone supported me. My hands were grazed by the bark.
On my feet, at last—triumphant! I was able to gaze far across the plain in front of me.
It was a large expanse of wild country, cut by a railway. Little did I care for the view. What I sought for hungrily was that cloud of dust—the men. I ended by discovering it. In the distance, as far as eye could see, there was a line of skirmishers—easily recognisable—our greatcoats and red trousers!
Vloumm! Rouvloumm! Vloumm! A cannonade echoed near at hand, making the air waves vibrate. About a mile and a half away a battery of the 75's let off a trial round. Too short! They harnessed up again, swung round, and were off at a gallop.
Yonder a company of dragoons were trotting in the same direction. The pursuit had begun.
By some intuition or suggestion my vision increased at this point. I had the feeling that I could see from one end to the other of our front. On the Ourcq just by, and farther off on the Marne, the Meuse, the Moselle, this very Destiny was being pronounced; this very morning, at this very hour, the success of our counter-offensive; the hostile rabble dislocated, broken, forced to retreat.
Paris and France saved! A grand date in the history of the world! What did it matter how long the War might last.
I greeted the day of glory. This noble stretch of country, the Île-de-France, stood forth before us—our adopted land—and lay stretched at our feet, presenting a fertile appearance for our sakes.
Preserved for the sons of my race, the acres which nourished us with their substance of life-giving properties. I thought not at all of my wound, of my life, no doubt in danger. Content to have lived until this sublime instant, I united in the same love, the freed territory, the luminary shining on my country, the beings dear to my heart; and enlacing the rugged tree, I eagerly stretched myself up to follow to the very horizon our victorious colours.
My strength suddenly gave way. The leaden weight became aggravated. I yielded with the one idea of falling upon my sound limb. My forehead struck the ground and I fell into a deep swoon.
PART IV
BOOK X
Epilogue
CHAPTER I
APPREHENSIONS
"That'sdoing very well—very well indeed!" It was Bujard, the house-surgeon, who was speaking. "If everyone got on as quickly as you——"
I no longer felt any pain. My gaze wandered round the huge room. It was warm and prettily decorated—the smoking-room in the M—— hotel, which had been converted into a hospital. My temperature was normal again and I experienced a sensation of relief and deliverance. How delightful it was to rest on this pliant mattress, in these cool sheets, to distinguish the prattle of my neighbours, and the patter of the sister's feet standing out from the subdued hubbub in the ward.
When the light tired me, I closed my eyes on this scene, and went over the vicissitudes of the nightmare I had just left behind....
My long prostration in a dying condition, on that deserted plateau; swoons from which I awoke at intervals; that deadly cycle; two days and two nights.... Ah! Faces were leaning over me. They pick me up and carry me away. Where am I? A stretcher, a motor.... Heavens, how my leg tears me! How thirsty I am!
In the train now, on some straw. Round me those poor unfortunates, spectres, drawing their last breath, can they be men? But I am like them! That first dressing in the train.... They snip and tear my trouser and drawers; my wound is exposed, all soiled; matter and congealed blood. There is some question of detraining me. A red-beard opposes the suggestion, I am put back on to the same straw, in a state of decay. The train starts again, and rolls on and on for days. Unexpected or unknown names of stations. The feeling of being tossed about from one end of France to the other. Oh, this heat, this jolting, this acrid, fetid odour of humanity.... I am sleeping, or dying, unconscious....
A very different period follows—Vichy. A hospital ward, this; and the same bed on which I am still lying. Washed and cared for, I am born anew. I joke with the sister, a cheery soul, an ex-nurse in the expeditionary corps in China; with the house-surgeon—he and I have mutual friends.
My wound is certainly severe—the fibula is shattered, the tibia fractured. I shall limp. But what matter? They have cut away a lot and extracted splinters of bone, and scraps of clothes.... Barring complications, I shall have five or six weeks of it, not more.
Heavens, how beautiful life is! The Battle of the Marne has just been fought. What inspiriting reading the newspapers make. The intoxication of Victory; our Victory. The very day I arrived I was able tohave two telegrams sent—their destinations will easily be guessed. Jeannine answered at once, by the ardent letter I had wished for. A promise in it makes my heart leap. The Landrys will arrange to come round by Vichy on their way to the South, where they spend each winter. There is only one slight shadow—an allusion to certain worries of the grandmother's, money matters, from what I can gather.
As to my father: here he is installed at my bedside.
My thoughts are pleasing ones, and linger over such memories. And then—and then!
A Saturday evening. Ever since the morning my leg seems to me to have got heavier.... Thirst dries the very marrow in my bones. My temperature suddenly rises 101.2°. When it is taken again 102.2°. What does it mean? Sunday at eight o'clock 104°. Professor Gauthier, who is called in for a consultation, examines me and seems put out. These confounded leg wounds!
More incisions, and a drainage tube is put back again, and we must wait and see.
What a day! I am consumed with thirst, and burning hot. My leg on fire right up to the hip, paroxysms of suffering, infernal shooting pains. Pus is forming in it. Exhaustion soon follows. My tongue is green, and I vomit. I no longer digest anything. Delirium sets in. I call Maman, I call Jeannine, in a despairing voice....
Those silhouettes of doctors. That consultation round my bed. A haze envelops me ... I hear music! Then Bujard's voice:
"Well, old chap...?"
Halloa, he's very affectionate!
"We may have to—amputate...!"
From the depths of my torpor, I have understood. "Yes, take it off! Take it off!" I implore them.
"That's right! Very sensible!" He nodded. "A leg! They make such excellent substitutes! And then...."
He emphasised this point: "You'll suffer no more, you know!"
Oh, how well he knows my weak spot. No more suffering—or fever....
How did it all happen? I had no notion of anything. I came round from the chloroform to find myself in my bed. My father said to me, with tears in his eyes:
"That's all over, Michel, you're saved!"
I slept and slept. I come to life again. I open my eyes. Have I been dreaming? I should be tempted to think so. I have difficulty in persuading myself of the reality of my misfortune. My gaze never rests without astonishment on the fold in my bed-clothes, where it sinks down over the stump of my excised thigh.
Stupefaction, yes: rather than distress. I am less crushed by it than I should have expected. What an abominable thing the existence of beings mutilated in this way used formerly to seem to me. To-day the fate which awaits me does not make me revolt. I smile, without too much melancholy, at the motherly words of encouragement from the excellent nun. I take note, almost with amusement of the sensations of itching in my missing sole and big toe, common in patients who have had a leg amputated.
The secret of my serenity is to be found in the fact that my thoughts return to the decisive engagement when leading my men. I had consented to the sacrifice. Intoxicating moments which could only be paid for with my life! And this last week again, I had seen my coffin open; death flowed in my veins. Now Destiny had had mercy on me. I might well consider myself blest!
But this period did not last long. At the end of a few days, the memory of my recent tortures paled. The withdrawal of this shadow robbed my present condition of its tinge of consolation.
There were ten of us in this ward, all seriously wounded, and operated on under favourable conditions. The general atmosphere was one of cheerfulness. I was soon out of sympathy with it.
I had made friends with my next-door neighbour, a recruit of twenty, Cadieu, by name. He was always in the most uproarious spirits and quite irresistible. I compared him with Judsi. What vitality there must be in a race which produces such men by thousands! His leg amputated too, and like mine, in the "upper third," he gaily made the best of it. First of all there was the pension. And then as an adjuster of scales it wouldn't worry him so much as all that! And then, what was a leg more or less after all?
He told me how he had been hit. When he had got the splinter in his leg, he had said to himself: "Well done! Of course you would just go and get in the light!" Lying down in a furrow he was waiting quietly for—what? Blimey! the end o' the war! The crackling was still going on as hard as ever. Suddenly, paf! Oh, my eye! A bullet in the foot. But 'e'd 'ad one bit o' luck. It was the one on the same side!
The boy had at once confided his love affairs to me. His lady friend was a housemaid to some people of goodposition. Her name was Margaret. "It all began by that there song, you remember 'ow it goes, 'Margaret, give me your 'eart.' I 'ummed it to 'er—." One child brought up in the country by her parents, good old things. He expected her to come and see him at the beginning of next month: "You're kept at it pretty 'ard in 'er trade! But 'er missus' 'usband 'as just bin 'napoohed' too. She bolted off to 'im in double-quick time, an' w'en Margaret was seein' 'er orf at the station, she up and told 'er that 'er boy was knocked out, too, and blowed if the lidy didn't feel sorter touched by it, and offered 'er a fortnight's 'oliday!"
His outpourings at an end, Cadieu, seeing I was still depressed, watched me out of the corner of his eye.
"And wot abaht you? An' your sweet'eart?" he said to me one day.
I smiled. "Not married, old chap, or attached in any way. No, seriously!"
How much to the point his guess had been, though!
O Jeannine! Sleeping and waking I had thought of my love. The other week her fair image presided over my revival. It was with my heart dedicated to her that I had put myself into the hands of the surgeons, and when I had opened my eyes again, amid the giddiness and sickness, it was the light of her face that had been the first thing to pierce the veil of my torpor.
I have said that I had telegraphed, that I had received a reply. But since then, what a striking change there had been. On the threshold of a new era, I tremblingly encouraged myself not to mistrust her. I remember the tone in which De Valpic had spoken of his unchanging love, when just on the point of death.
I waited to write to her until I had recovered my strength to a certain extent. A week! How long the time must seem to her. A second letter came from her. She demanded news.... What a piece of news I had to announce to her!
I made up my mind to it, however.
My first sentence revealed everything to her. It was a mutilated man, I told her, who was tracing these lines to her.... I stopped short, and turned over to bury my head in my pillow. Tears rose to my eyes! Then I recovered myself. I so much wanted this letter to appear a normal continuation of the others. When I re-read it, I was struck by the deadly heart-break depicted in it, in spite of myself! I was on the point of tearing the pages to pieces. I stayed for a long time, balancing them in my hands. Then I finally decided to slip them into the envelope; my salvation lay entirely in the pity I should inspire.
Some days passed by in boredom, and overwhelming anxiety, the reason of which I now forbade myself to specify. I tried in vain to distract my thoughts. My father read the papers aloud to me—those around me profited by it. With the monotonous delivery of an officer giving the order of the day, he sometimes stirred us all in pronouncing the word Victory. He had to take off his glasses which were dimmed.
But the Press no longer reflected the same enthusiasm evinced for the "Battle of the Marne." The thankless battle of the Aisne was dragging on, and becoming endless. We began to feel that the enemy would hold out for a long time on this stolen territory. There was heavy fighting going on in the North. Our left and the German right struggling to outstrip each other in their race for the coast—fierce cavalryencounters round Aire and Hazebrouck.... And there were already sinister rumours abroad concerning the probable fate of Anvers.
I bore myself a grudge for not being more thrilled. I urged myself to lose sight of my individual misery, in order to continue in communion with my noble nation. I tried hard to do it, but my efforts were in vain!
An epistle from Guillaumin reached me. He was safe and sound, and was anxious to be reassured on my account. His letter contained some details. Yes, poor De Valpic had fallen. His body had been identified, and was reposing in hallowed ground, beneath a cross. The platoon had been reduced to half its strength the day after Nanteuil, but reinforcements had arrived during the following days. They had been engaged over and over again since then, and were fighting nearly every day; yesterday again at Guennevières. They did not forget me in all that! Guillaumin enclosed in his letter a joint card signed by eachpoilu. One shaky scrawl was from the hand of poor Donnadieu, hit by a splinter in the abdomen, and who, so my friend told me, had succumbed during the night.
Who would believe that I put off answering him. And, for that matter, my sister-in-law, too, who had sent me several affectionate missives. Sometimes it was enervation which tortured me, as I lay there, sometimes a gloomy atony.
Margaret, Cadieu's friend, had arrived, a pretty, fair-haired girl of the soubrette and ingénue type. Her presence exhilarated my neighbour to such an extent that our corner was one long roar of laughter. I alone did not cheer up. He cast sorrowful looks at me, and the girl took to bringing me flowers in themorning when she brought them for her Julot. How sorry they were for me!
And my father! He certainly would not have questioned me. But his speech which was usually abrupt, softened, and his gaze grew more gentle when it rested on me. I was grateful to him for his tacit compassion, and I felt inclined to cry.
CHAPTER II
RELIEF
HowI trembled when at last I tore open...! My doom was to be pronounced. My secret terror was dissipated on glancing at the first lines. Jeannine reminded me that she was the daughter of a soldier, the niece and grand-daughter of a soldier. From time immemorial, glorious wounds had been revered in her family. She quoted the case of her great-uncle, who was also her godfather, who, in the year '70, had been hit by a bullet near his elbow, and had soon lost the use of his right arm, owing to rheumatism. Their admiration had surrounded him and followed in his train all his life long.
My misfortune, she said, had not taken her by surprise. She had dreaded it all along. Had I not discerned her deep compassion beneath the encouragement even in her very first letter?
At this point her tone grew more tender. She was aware, she said, of my bitterness and anguish which I tried in vain to conceal from her. However, I had turned to her. She thanked me for that. She was my faithful friend. She recognised herself as being picked out to help me in my trouble. After all, I was alive. Wasn't that all that mattered? My misfortune did not lower me. It all raised me, on the contrary. I must have fought superbly. How many timesa day she had pictured me leading my men to the attack. I had been intoxicated, had I not, by all that life offered of sublime sensations. I should not assume my former scepticism again, even in play. What a lot we should have to tell each other when—and Heaven grant that the day might be near at hand—we met again.
I read and re-read these six pages. I never tired of assuring myself of my joy and revelling in it. My heart melted as a result of the relief, and turned towards the wall; I wept the sweet tears which had been ready to flow for the last ten days.
I now recognised clearly what I had dreaded and could smile at it. A revival of the dry mistrust which was dissipated at a word from Jeannine!
This miracle of her persistent affection seemed to me the simplest and most natural reality. Since the milk of human kindness was not an empty saying! And then one might have mistrusted another, but she, like myself, had deliberately raised herself above the common sphere in which men's feelings move. How little the scruples and hesitations of average souls could count for in comparison with the mute vow which bound us. We belonged to each other, whatever might happen!
But, nevertheless, when the first transport was over, a vague feeling of unrest returned to skim the surface of my mind. I was insatiable. It seemed to me that I might have looked for a more tender and impassioned abandonment—for some involuntary avowal....
And then, no! On thinking it over, I had no difficulty in convincing myself that it was her modesty which forbade her to declare herself. I myself had never dared to put it into writing. No; our engagement would be ratified by a hand-clasp, by the chaste exchange of words.
I wrote her eight pages that same evening. Our correspondence was resumed. Each of us now, certainly waited for the other's letter to arrive before answering it—and the posts were still uncertain, a week sometimes went by without bringing the looked-for letter.
I was not without regret for the time when our love had found a way to express itself, every, or almost every day. We had ceased to move amongst those unique circumstances when not an hour must be lost in pouring out all one's heart, since each letter, received or despatched, might be the last. This was the return to normal conditions; letters between the betrothed before the ring has been given. It was at least something on which to feed the certainty of our happiness.
Time went on and on. At the end of a fortnight they had given my leg a thorough dressing for the first time. The compresses, with the aid of hot water, had come off more quickly, and given me less pain than I had feared they might. Bujard congratulated me on the condition of my wound. There was no trace of suppuration. Three weeks more and I should get up!
I smiled at his words of encouragement. I marvelled at feeling nothing at the severed stump but a sort of tickling which was sometimes, by the way, almost intolerable. The feeling that my right thigh had nothing to counter-balance it was very queer too.
The occupants of our ward had nearly all recovered. Some more beds were added. They tried to makemore room, and sent away a great many of those who could stand up. Cadieu was despatched to a convalescent home. He went hobbling off, much amused by his crutches. And merriment went with him.
Many of the new arrivals appeared exhausted and worn out. They arrived in an infected state—it was the end of October—from the ghastly slaughters in Belgium. There were several cases of tetanus and gangrene. I remember a big fellow, belonging to the naval brigade, who screamed with pain all night, and died at dawn.
I found this promiscuousness very trying, and lost strength again. My friend Bujard noticed it, and, after having consulted me, arranged for me to have a little room to myself. I took leave of the sister, Ste. Thérèse.
To begin with I missed the fresh air in the ward. I was reduced to the society of my father as sole companion, and he was not well, because he had had an attack of choking one evening, in the thick of the battle of the Yser, when he had thought our line had been broken through. Bujard had warned me that he was threatened with angina pectoris.
And yet with what solicitude the poor man surrounded me. He was by my side from eight o'clock in the morning onwards. He never left me during the day, and had obtained permission to have his meals brought up there. He tried everything imaginable to alleviate the monotony of my long convalescence. He joined a library so that I might have books, and tired himself by reading to me for hours together. In the end I had to implore Bujard to forbid him toread. He bought me a quantity of maps of different scales, and we tried to follow the situation, and the manœuvres of our five principal armies during the immortal days at the beginning of September. We marked out the actual front with little flags.
We talked, too. I evoked certain scenes from my childhood, our Lorraine, Eberménil. It caused my father frightful distress to think that the enemy were still there. "But not for long," he growled, grinding his teeth.
If I pressed the subject and recalled some happy occasion on which our dear departed ones had figured at our sides, then I used to see him fall into a deep day-dream, into which I dared not break. He belonged to those whose grief is frozen and taciturn, more heart-rending, perhaps, than ours, which is assuaged when we give vent to it.
I realised anew the difference in our two natures—not without regret! I should never have ventured, I thought, to allow him even a glimpse of the surprising evolution which had made a new man of me. It would have revolted him to learn from what depths I had started, and all that had been needed to bring me to this state of grace in which he had maintained himself without an effort, for more than forty years.
Jeannine, everything brought back the longing for your beloved presence! You alone knew me, such as I had been and such as I was. What pride, just think, for us two, to ascertain how, little by little, at the seat of my love for you, all these virtues had blossomed in my soul. You would persuade me, perhaps, that I bore the germs in my heart, but that they could never have flowered in the etiolating atmosphere in which my life had been spent.
Stirred by such thoughts, I suddenly became more sensible to the paternal affection. What nurse would have set her wits to work in such a touching fashion? He tried to remember how my mother used to treat me during my long illnesses in former days.
One morning, he put a pack of cards on my table and timidly proposed a game of piquet.
"A good idea!" I said. "Let's draw!"
He puckered his forehead and played attentively, and won. And I could see myself again as a child—a child playing like this with my mother, caressing her beautiful white hands. I could have seized and kissed this old man's wrinkled hands. The unique tenderness of parents, which one must hasten to enjoy! My mother had passed away years and years ago—and as for him, the last on earth of the beings whom I perpetuated, how much time would slip away before they left him, having lived his life, between four planks? I was harrowed in advance. I made a vow to do all that was in my power to sweeten the days—restricted, alas, in number—which still remained to him.
CHAPTER III
A SUNLIT CONVALESCENCE
Oneafternoon, towards two o'clock, my father took his hat, and said to me, in rather a mysterious tone:
"I must go out on an errand. I'll be back in a moment."
Half an hour later I became aware of shuffling going on outside my door. Somebody knocked.
"Come in!"
A little boy, dressed in black, appeared on the threshold. My heart gave a bound. That prominent forehead, where fair curls rolled, that straight, brilliant gaze. Victor! Victor, at five years old. Victor as he had been when my eyes had opened on him as a little child.
It was his son—little Robert.
Behind him was my sister-in-law. She came straight up to my bed, and bent down, raising her long widow's veil. We kissed each other, and I demanded my little niece Brigitte, who was shy and was burying her face in her mother's skirts.
The conversation immediately started off, quite naturally and delightfully, free of its whilom reserve. We ingenuously confessed that we had learnt to know each other, and how we had felt the mutual affection grow, in the course of these terrible months.
Madeleine had come to stay at Vichy for a few days.
"We will give you new courage," she said.
"I'm not lacking in it! You're the one who needs it, poor little sister."
"Oh! I have enough for three."
It was true enough. I was struck by her spirit of determination. And I had thought her in danger of giving way entirely beneath the blow. She spoke of nothing but the future; of her plans; of the education of her children. She thought of going to live at Versailles: the rents were not so high there as in Paris, they would be near the town, and the Lycée Hoche. For she wanted to keep Robert with her, in order that the whole family should cling together.
As my eyes were again drawn irresistibly to the little boy, she said: "Isn't he like——"
She did not complete the sentence. Tears pearled on her eyelashes. It was one of the few allusions she allowed herself, to her great sorrow.
I told her that her children would find a second father in me.
"He counted on it," she assured me.
And she showed me a note which Victor had written before leaving St. Mihiel; a few lines in which he confided those dearest to him on earth, to my charge. What instinct warned him that he would fall; that I should be preserved?
I reverently welcomed this sacred bequest. When my father had gone I should be the head of the family. New duties which I hailed with delight. And in a short time, I said to myself, Madeleine would find in Jeannine a friend, more than a friend. I think that if we had been alone it would have been to her, first of all, that I should have revealed my secret.
Those were calm days perfumed by sympathy and friendship. I had to tell the story of my campaign in full detail. Not even the children seemed bored as they listened.
Dear mites they were! Too quiet and good. I sent to a neighbouring bazaar for some toys for them. Then I drew up a plan for the future.
I asked my sister-in-law what she meant to do for the winter. It was impossible for her to go back home. The enemy had just laid hands on St. Mihiel.
"Stay in Paris," she said.
"How depressing that would be!"
I pretended to be seized with a sudden inspiration. "Suppose we all went off to the Riviera for a time, for a rest?"
The suggestion was carried unanimously. It was a landmark set up.... To draw all my belongings down there. It seemed to me that in accompanying me, they would share my joy. As for me—could I hesitate? The Landrys' departure for Antibes, seriously delayed by certain complications, was fixed for the following month. I had reminded Jeannine of her promise to come round by the Bourbon line. The matter was arranged.
I fondly imagined that I should have recovered by that date. Bujard spoke to me every day of the marvellous apparatus which was to disguise my misfortune.
My sister left again with her children, recalled to Paris by various purchases and other matters. The sweetness she had brought with her persisted. Those were radiant days.
I began to get up. First a foot out of bed, nothingmore. My father who was still vigorous lent me the support of his arm. My head swam when I stood up. I was just able to reach an arm-chair, and doubted whether my strength could ever come back. I was especially bewildered by the strange lack of equilibrium.
I held the crutches in abhorrence. I should never get accustomed to that. Directly it was possible, Bujard brought me a wooden stump. Frightful! However, it was a way of progressing. My left leg was able to get exercise, and regain strength, little by little. I walked up and down the landings, and the hotel garden.
I was measured for a jointed limb. Bujard had told me of an American firm which was supplying both groups of belligerents, so he assured me. I sent my order to them.
The delay demanded had seemed to me very reasonable. But, when I first began to go into the town I fell a prey to the embarrassing compassion of the passers-by. They nudged each other, when they met me.
"Another one!"
"Poor fellow!"
I, who aspired to losing myself in the crowd, like other people!
I happened just then to come across the prospectus of an English firm, which offered to provide the whole thing complete in a fortnight, at a price defying all competition!
"A hoax!" Bujard warned me.
It couldn't be helped. I was consumed with impatience. I wrote, enclosing my cheque. We should see. It would be well worth the twelve pounds it would cost me.
Those were happy weeks, I repeat. I went before a Board; I was passed, and left the hospital. I was free! And had the satisfaction of feeling that I had paid my debt to the full.
I wrote letters, and received them. Madeleine wrote me jewels of sisterly affection. Guillaumin, for his part, sent me picturesque epistles. They had had a rough time again, at the beginning of October, round Champieu and De Roye.
Since then, trench warfare had been inaugurated: they were settling down for the winter. There was not a word of complaint, simply the tranquil and delightful keenness he had always shown. The morale of the men was intact. And they had had so few casualties during the last five weeks. They were well fed. The only drawback was the lack of heating arrangements!
I replied to him at length, and sent a real letter, too, to each man who had signed the collective post-card which I have already mentioned.
I asked my sister-in-law to go and call on Guillaumin's sister in the little flat she had in the Gobelins. They talked for a whole hour about him and me, like firm friends; and Madeleine managed to procure some piano lessons for the other—a real feat!
The postal arrangements had improved considerably. Neither Jeannine nor I lost any time. Directly a letter arrived—quick!—the answer was written. Our eagerness was more intense than ever.
The German offensive in the North had not come to an end. The fighting round Ypres had caused us a recurrence of anguish. My father had another attack one evening when we once more thought—from reticences in thecommuniqué—that our line had beenforced and penetrated, and that the road to Calais was open.
A few words from Jeannine—a supplementary card, that one—were what reassured us, before all the papers. An aide-de-camp from Foch had just been dining with them, and had given them details. The situation had been critical, desperate, one day, but it had been tardily re-established the next day, and was now consolidated, and no longer gave any cause for alarm.
I read the whole passage to my father. He gave a sigh of relief.
"We are saved, then! The source of your information seems reliable. Is it one of your friends, who's written to you?"
"A friend, yes."
Later on, quite soon, it would be sweet to open my heart to him, to claim his blessing on the daughter I should bring him.
The Landrys had again put off the date of their departure. Jeannine gave me to understand, with a certain emphasis, that some business matters could not be settled. I had the delicacy never to ask for details.
This delay suited me very well. I would have given a lot for them not to join us before the ghastly "stump" had been relegated to the rubbish heap. Jeannine had, perhaps, guessed as much.
Oh! our correspondence at that point. I cannot prevent myself from returning to the subject. Its tone of complete confidence, of youthful abandonment. Oh! my loving beloved; arrayed in every attraction, who did not intoxicate me solely by the enchantment of her clear life and warm seduction, nor solely by thegoodness which all her being irradiated. She was the intellectual companion, too—the complement, for which man's instinct yearns, and which he discovers so rarely.
Sometimes, after having come into collision with my father who could not be shaken in his opinions, I would turn to her in delight and admire her broader outlook. For instance, he did not desire, or even admit, the possibility of peace or a truce before the enemy had been completely crushed. According to him, the necessary conditions of the future Treaty were that the Central Powers should be dismembered; large territories annexed; and our frontier extended as far as the Rhine. The brutal law of force. The vanquished must bow his head. While, as for her it must be noted that she cursed the cruel blindness of the Teuton caste which provoked the catastrophe just as much as I did. But she followed me—far better than that—she boldly out-stripped me in my desire simply for the repression of a minor race, in my wish for the future re-establishment of concord among all nations, not excepting even that one. Did she not want to convince me that each great race in turn let itself be ensnared by the mirage of universal hegemony. Look at us, under Napoleon! In fifty or a hundred years, we should see these Germans rallied to our republican wisdom.
What joy I experienced in playing lightly upon all the chords of this young soul, in hearing each one of them vibrate in harmony with me.
I will quote one touching incident. She it was who sent me, by telegram, too, the text of my promotion, as it appeared in theGazetteon November the 23rd. So that was why she had sounded me sodexterously for a long time now. I had told her what I knew, what my captain proposed. I thought no more about it, instead of which, she had studied the lists for weeks and weeks, with the perseverance of a woman in love.
The English firm fulfilled their contract, the order was delivered on the promised date. Bujard shook his head when he examined it. Just as he had expected. A ready-made model!
As for me, the apparatus attracted me. I put it on hurriedly, and having pulled on my trousers, went and planted myself in front of the wardrobe looking-glass, which no longer reflected the former, monstrous and incomplete apparition. Upright and firmly planted on my feet, and well-balanced, I admired myself, restored to my manly dignity. Now, Jeannine might come! I could not help telling her of the joy which was running over in me. I jokingly told her that I had to think before being sure which leg was missing.
She replied with the announcement that they were to start on their journey in a few days.
The fulness of life! The rapture of it! I was about to attain my supreme end, and was exalted by the prospect of it. The time was accomplished. I had escaped the wind of death which had felled so many others. The war might still be in progress—I must ask pardon for this return of egoism!—At a time when my brothers were still suffering and perishing, I awaited, with heart enthralled, the coming of my betrothed.
How strange is destiny. I looked back upon the weeks spent, not so very long ago, beside this girl. Ihad not had an inkling, then, of what she was to be to me. How fantastic it seemed that I should be beholden to that brutal separation. How near I had come to neglecting happiness!
But for the War——!
I dared to look this terrible truth in the face. Thus are hearts tempered anew. I had had to undergo the dread ordeal by fire, which consumes the greater number, whence a few issue, purified.
CHAPTER IV
THE AWAKENING
Suchwas the dream I lived in. To-day, when I go over that time in retrospect, I ask myself whether I did not experience any anxiety. Not the least. Not for an instant did I see my sky overcast.
I was harshly undeceived on one point though. In using it I found out how second-rate the English article was. It answered the purpose all right as long as I kept still, but light as it seemed it was necessary to exert my hip to work it, which made me walk with a kind of unsightly swing and very quickly tired me.
I got into the habit of going out during the best hours of the day while the fine weather lasted. Once outside, I walked slowly, putting on the air of a loiterer. As uninitiated passers-by might well think I was merely slightly lame, I now had to be doubly vigilant about avoiding the least contact with the crowd. Alas! I was very unsteady; twice I nearly fell when someone bumped into me, and people did not apologise; the mufti I had taken to again seemed to rob me of the right to any consideration.
Who would believe that I almost got as far as to regret the wooden stump? My last hopes were fixed on the American firm. I congratulated myself upon not having cancelled my order. A fellow-sufferer had just been introduced to me, who had been suppliedwith a leg by them, and I marvelled at his young and supple carriage.
Why did I make a point of telling Jeannine of my disillusionment? Perhaps in order to get the answer, "What are you worrying about?" With ambitious coquetry I boasted in advance of the wonders expected from the other firm.
The reply was delayed for six days, and when it came was only four pages. The Landrys were putting the finishing touch to their preparations. There was not a single allusion to my infirmity, which I had told her was well on the way to being cured. No doubt she had made a rule never to broach the subject. Having once and for all given me proof of her tender pity she wished thenceforward to spare me the humiliation of feeling that she even thought of it.
Some days slipped by. I had written to her again in an affectionate tone. Though tempted to give her to understand that it would be less painful to show myself to her in a fortnight's time, I refrained from making such a mistake. That was a secondary matter. Only let her come! let her come! Oh, my love!
At this point, there was a long silence on her part. Must it be put down to the postal service again? No, we received our other letters from Paris quite regularly.
At the end of ten days I wrote her a line, saying that I was anxious. No answer—what could I make of it? I was seized with apprehension. Was she ill perhaps? But I should have been told about it. Had some accident happened to her? That was more likely. If so, what was it? My thoughts wandered, incapable of fixing themselves.
Then, one morning, just as I got out of bed, the waiter brought me a card. What power there is inpresentiments! As I took it from him I distinctly saw another, the one I had got from Jeannine at F—— the day before we started. I immediately thought—why, I wonder? that was the first, and this—this, the last!
It was not the Paris postmark. I undid it slowly, pretending—on whose account?—to be unmoved. One page, no more. It was headed Juan-les-Pins, December 17, 1914. Jeannine expressed her regret at the fact that they had been prevented from making the detour they intended, because the time-tables fitted in so awkwardly. Her grandmother was not very well, as a result of a great deal of worry, and found the journey long enough without adding to it. They had arrived the day before yesterday on the Riviera, which was not justifying its reputation, since the sun was absent. It lacked joyousness above everything. She added that she could not tear her thoughts away from the cold Northern regions, where so much youth, and all the promise of the future was succumbing. She ended by expressing the hope that we should see each other again some day. There was no allusion to our travelling plans, which I had mentioned to her several times.
I stood still, thunder-struck. I mechanically began to read over the lines again. The letters were dancing. I searched for an unexpected meaning in them. I refused to admit.... But the conviction was secretly gaining ground in my mind.
When I got to the signature again, there was not an unsteady stroke. The evolution was complete; I was ripe at last to understand. It was the emanation of a distant, a prodigiously distant being. How could I ever have thought—? My simplicity amazed me. Here, endless overwhelming forebodings occurred to mymind. The imperceptibly, but totally changed tone of her letters; the note of friendship substituted for that of love; never a word in reference to my misfortune; the grandmother always refraining from adding a personal message, the long-delayed opportunity of seeing me again. Lastly, the brutal decision: these four sentences of dismissal.
I leant on the window looking over the hotel garden from the second floor. A bare lawn, and leafless trees. A cold and dreary wind was blowing, this winter morning. I pictured her, too, at her window opening on to the sea. My thoughts sought her thoughts. Yes, I wanted her to feel me moved by her cold, heart-breaking epistle at that moment. Ah, and if she could have read my heart, she would have seen that it held for her nothing but a desperate, resigned devotion.
Move her to pity? A dead ambition. Demand an explanation? What was the good? I saw it quite clearly. Curse her, blaspheme against her? How far that was from my thoughts. I did not accuse her of treachery. It seemed to me certain that at the time of the uplifting struggle she had dreamt of me as her bridegroom of to-morrow. But since I had been damaged. My God! What could I have reproached her with?
Had I still supposed myself worthy to inspire contentment in a youthful creature, inexperienced and perfect? When no engagement bound us! For on what foundations had I built? On nothing more than an odd avowal or two hidden here and there between the lines. Sand scattered by the wind! I might read over her letters, those written during the last few months and even those at the beginning. When once my own ardour had abated I should not find inthem either oath or promise; there was nothing there, nothing had ever been expressed but a sisterly affection.
It occurred to my mind that more than one girl of former days, brought up in the pious ideas of devotion and self-sacrifice, would have felt herself especially bound to proclaim as her fiancé the man who had suffered at the hands of Fate—inspirations to be respected, but, I admitted, out of date. This generation, less sensible—I have already said Jeannine was not the least—to the impress of religion, showed more common sense. It was permissible for a child of our century, however generous she might be, to trust to time to cure all heartaches, in others and in herself, to aspire to a happiness other than sacrifice.
Jeannine might have suffered, might be suffering still. Yes, she must regret that what was not, might not be. It was possible that she might carry away a picture of me which would illuminate a chaste corner of her memory: an idol that she had not been able to bring herself to destroy by seeing me again. It was Reason. I bowed to the sovereign I always recognised. Does one not usually end by repenting of a sacrifice? I glanced into the glass—I have said that I was not dressed: ugliness, a lack of harmony, weakness. If I had given her my arm, she would have been the one to support me. What shame, what remorse even, there would have been for me, in paralysing this creature, so vividly alive, in eternally hearing her pitied, she who was born to be envied.
I dressed with my mind a blank. I abstained, when I was ready, from knocking at the door of the room next to mine, where my father slept. I was afraid of letting him see the distracted look on my face.
I went downstairs and out of doors. Where shouldI go to? I avoided the frequented streets, and the park where I liked to sit. It was a long round. How my leg weighed on me. But I forced myself to walk quickly, as long as I continued to meet any one. When I got beyond the suburbs some power or other abruptly ceased to support me. Faint, and at the end of my strength, I was only just able to reach a heap of stones, upon which I sank down.
There was a nip in the air. The sun, like a dull ball, appeared behind a livid curtain of cloud.
What a feeling of irremediable collapse! All my strength, physical and moral, was annulled. My despair alone lived on in the depths of my frozen heart. For a long while I experienced a secret, harrowing joy in imagining the future, such as it might have been. My sorrow was exasperated by turning over such visions in my mind, and reached a state of paroxysm. I could not bear it. I got up, picked up my stick, and went on along the road.
Not far away, beyond some fields, a line of poplars made me guess where the Allier lay. I was drawn on by a fatal longing to reach the bank of the river. Poor soul, born but to disappear!
Swollen by the autumn rains, the river filled its huge bed to the brink. It was a glaucous, sinister stretch of water. Eddying foam was swept along on a strong current.
I was tempted. I approached the bank. It fell away in a steep slope towards the stream which swished along it with a monotonous gurgle. I planted my stick at the extreme edge among the fragments of slate. I leant over—it was horribly alluring—and I granted myself a certain delay.
What a stirring moment that was while my fatehung in the balance. I had come to the end of my tether. What had brought me there? Was it not the paltry idea of bringing remorse to birth in Jeannine's heart? But what would she know of my wretched fate? And why revenge myself so basely? I scrupled to annihilate the vestige of strength which I constituted. Lastly, there was the disdain for an act of romantic impotence.