And Guillaumin? I asked him how he felt.
"Pretty fit, thanks. I've had a good nap!"
It did not seem to occur to him that I might be solicitous about his morale.
They were all heroes then. My goodness no! Simply happy-go-lucky! There was a slight distinction though, and whatever it was, they scored by a propitious frame of mind. I was afraid that I might show up badly, being the only one to remain clear-headed. What could be done about it? I forced a wry smile.
Then I saw that Corporal Donnadieu was looking very unhappy and depressed. His nostrils looked pinched, and he was gazing at the ground.... He was obviously not keen to fight. I felt sorry for him. He was no doubt thinking of his wife, of his two children, one of them on the way....
I caught sight of Frémont, standing stock-still in the rear of the first platoon. I knew what he was dreaming of too. I repented at the thought that I might have impaired his courage yesterday. A persistent shadow seemed to have clouded his face ever since ... I only hoped that he too might get through.
CHAPTER IX
THE BAPTISM OF FIRE
Oncehaving left the wood, we reached the little hilltop of which I have already spoken.
In spite of having been told that the modern battle-field is empty, I had never imagined anything so desert like as this. Not a man to be seen in these fields which sloped gently downwards; it was abandoned territory.
The firing still continued to rage around us. We could even distinguish a distant crackling now, either rifle-firing or shrapnel, a sign that we were getting nearer.
When we passed by a Calvary, I saw some of the men sign themselves, Gaudéreaux and Trichet among others. They would never have done it during manœuvres. Why was I inclined to see in this Calvary one of the points which would decide the fate of the struggle? I think I must have been hypnotised by the remembrance of the one at Isly. I recollected Zola's superb pages inLa Débâcle. Another passage which recurred to my mind was the description of Waterloo inLa Chartreusefor which I had had a great admiration ever since my schooldays. I was tempted to compare myself with Fabrice. How far removed I was from his freshness of spirit, his youthful enthusiasm.
Guillaumin suddenly signed to me.
"Just look at that!"
Down below us, yonder, there rose a puff of smoke, then another nearer; a third; all in a line. They might have been little bonfires lit by an invisible hand. The bursting points of shells!
The noise of the short sharp reports reached us.
"Look out," Guillaumin whispered to me. "They're lengthening their range!"
We had stopped, silent and nonplussed. The captain galloped along the line.
"To fifty paces—extend."
Henriot bellowed, repeating the order. There was no panic. I think no one had fully realised yet that those slight puffs which had appeared were a direct menace to us.
We had taken up the extended order and went on marching, but with rather broken ranks.
"Close up! Close up!" shouted Henriot.
He was running. I noticed that he had drawn his sword. It was very funny. Did he think that he was about to charge? He tried to put it back into the sheath. He stumbled. The men nudged each other with their elbows. A pint of good blood!
Our "connecting file" rushed up.
"Blob formation!"
Henriot, who was still struggling with his scabbard, hesitated. Then he shouted:
"Left incline! No. Right incline! No. As you were!"
"He's all at sea!" said Guillaumin.
Suddenly.... What was happening? Something whistled past.
"Lie down!"
I threw myself down, and the men too, without waiting for the order. One did it instinctively.
"Testudos! Testudos!" bellowed Henriot, in an extraordinarily shrill voice.
There was a gigantic explosion close at hand; the ground shook. We were lyingpêle-mêle, wherever we'd happened to fall, in groups of eight or ten, and covering much too much ground.
"Close! Close!" I shouted. "Glue yourselves on to each other."
But the ground was shaken again, some flints were sent flying against us. No one stirred. What an instant that was. I hardly dared to look round. As far as the eye could see our men were scattered over the ground in little driblets in the same way in which water spilt on a pavement trickles into tiny pools.
I had predicted that I would be clear-headed.
Shells poured from the radiant sky, preceded by their awe-inspiring blast. We realised which were meant for us, and would fall within a radius of two or three hundred yards. If a single one hit the mark nothing would be left of us but a bleeding mass. O God of Chance! I humbly placed myself in His hands. Second after second passed in the expectation of annihilation. Then I recovered a certain amount of detachment in the thought that I had lost all control over my fate. My thoughts were in a whirl. Life was a fine thing. I might have employed the time allotted to me very differently. My youth contained nothing. I detested Laquarrière. I had made a mess of my share of existence! And mixed with these regrets was a new hope hard to explain.
How many minutes had passed. There was a lull. A voice was raised; it was Bouillon's.
"Nobody killed!"
The relief of it! We raised ourselves up on to our knees. Some aeroplanes were circling above us. Taubes, of course!
"Up you get!"
The neighbouring section had started off again. We advanced rapidly. Our connecting file came towards us at the double.
"By sections!"
Henriot repeated:
"Dreher, Guillaumin, by sections!"
We looked at each other, then I exclaimed:
"Come along, the 2nd with me!"
The men did not seem to understand.
"Bouguet, Donnadieu."
Guillaumin had gone off to rally his thirtypoilus.
Mine at last made up their minds to follow me, in some disorder.
What formation ought we to adopt? Two deep? Columns of four? Consult Henriot? I hailed him. Waste of energy. He went off making incomprehensible signals to Guillaumin. We must make the best of it.
"Two deep! Two deep!"
The booming began again ... for us, this lot!
"Kneel!"
I shook Siméon by the shoulder!
"Close! Testudos!"
A few actually remembered what to do—Lamalou and Bouillon. They stuck their heads between the legs of the men kneeling in front of them. Their neighbours imitated them.
I had been the last to get down, at the head of my small column. There was no one for me toshelter behind, so I ran a greater risk than any of the others.
"Get back here, Sergeant," said Corporal Bouguet, "we'll make room for you!"
I crawled back, and slipped in between him and Trichet.
"Thanks!"
I was guilty of a little bit of bluff and stuck my head out. There was a regular hurricane going on. All round us there were great spurts of smoke and dust, and clods of earth were hurled against us. But the pack seemed a great protection, and I felt that we were not very vulnerable really. Some shells did not burst, and I made a remark to that effect.
I had to watch the movements of the neighbouring sections in order to conform to them.
They were going on again.
"Advance!"
We went on.
"Pretty hot stuff!" said Judsi. "We ought to go in zigzags, best way to get through," he advised.
I approved.
Judsi's right. The range only varies in depth.
We were beginning to distinguish the sound of the different shells through this infernal din. The big ones were always impressive; we frankly snapped our fingers at the smaller ones.
"Is that all?" said Bouguet as a splinter of shrapnel bounced off his pack.
"Listen!" Lamalou exclaimed, "there are the 75's letting loose."
I don't know what we expected. A miracle—the immediate cessation of the enemy's fire. We weredisillusioned. It redoubled in intensity. One or two shells again fell near by.
"Ah!" exclaimed Bouguet. "That got 'em!"
"Who?"
"The lads of No. 1! Fell slap in the middle of 'em."
A shiver ran down my back. I only hoped to goodness that Frémont was all right. Looking round I saw haggard faces turned towards us. Corporal Donnadieu was deadly white. I forced a smile and shouted:
"Halloa there! How are you getting along?"
"So, so," said Lamalou.
I nearly tripped over a black, cylinder-shaped mass.
"Look out there. A 'dud'!"
They avoided it and Bouillon said:
"Lucky you gave tongue like that. I was just going to tip it a hefty biff."
How long did that march under artillery fire last? We covered a good bit of ground, two or three broad undulations. We halted, and reformed and advanced. From time to time we came across an enormous hole, five or six feet across and three feet deep, which we had to go round.
"Pretty useful, their 'coal boxes,' to make such pits."
Happily, Judsi, cried:
"They're digging a grave for the Kaiser!"
My one idea was to keep my intervals.
Bouillon asked me whether a river we were coming to was the Meuse.
I made him repeat it. A river? Why so there was.... The Othain perhaps? For everyone was talking about it....
"How are we to get across? Swim?"
I was asking myself the same question. The bursts of firing grew less frequent. We advanced in rushes, for longer distances, but not so fast. We felt comparatively safe. Our attention was beginning to wander....
"Lie down! We're in for it now!"
There was a terrible explosion close by, on our left ... a flash, and a stinging blast. I saw Bouguet put his hand up to his cap; a bit of the peak had gone.
Looking up, I shouted:
"Anything the matter?"
"Yes!"
The squall was not over. Never mind that! I ran along. A man was writhing on the ground.
"It's Blanchet," said Judsi.
"Where's he hit?"
"In the bread-basket."
The poor fellow was lying doubled up on his side. He was holding back his guts with his two hands stuck through a hole in his greatcoat. At a movement he made to push his gun aside, I caught sight of them.... I was petrified with horror, just as I had been one evening when I had seen a child pulled from under a tram. But I realised that everyone's gaze was fixed on me. I said:
"Donnadieu, he's in your half-section, isn't he?"
The corporal did not answer. His face was mottled, and there were beads of perspiration on his forehead.
"You must ... take away his ammunition!" I continued.
He hesitated, then bent down with terrible repugnance, and touched the wounded man's cartridge-pouches. He had some difficulty in opening them, because his hands were trembling.
Blanchet was giving in, his eyes were growing dim, and yet he had the courage to move a little to enable us to undo his haversack, which was also emptied. I repeated:
"Come along! Come along. Hurry up!"
Donnadieu murmured:
"I say, Sergeant, surely you won't leave him like that?"
I read in his eyes the vague hope of staying behind, of slinking away....
"Come along! We must catch the others up!" I said impatiently.
Then less harshly:
"The stretcher party will come and pick him up; they are sure not to be far off."
I bent down over the wounded man:
"Do you hear, old chap?"
He gave me a poignant look, without uttering a word. I stammered:
"You'll be all right, you'll find!Au revoir!"
Then raising myself I added more firmly:
"And now we must get on!"
The men followed me, but there were some very painful moments to be got through.
"The father of a family!" signed Siméon who knew him.
Our column was lengthening. I waited for the stragglers.
"Come along! Donnadieu, Trichet!..."
The ground sloped down towards the river. We were surprised by a strange, fetid smell in the air, which was oddly out of keeping with this harmonious countryside, gilded by the summer. We tried to make out what it was.
"Corpses!"
"And not French ones either!"
It was a fact that these grey forms lying in the grass were Germans—a regular hecatomb. Rows upon rows of dead bodies, which, in some places, we had to step over.... When had they fallen there? A day or two before no doubt. The men drew each other's attention to some ravens wheeling overhead or perched near by, croaking.
Pouah!
I thought of nothing but how to keep my nose covered. The men were less horrified, and seemed on the contrary interested, some of them almost amused. They were brutes, at heart, with no respect for anything!
Lamalou made a vile remark, revived from Sylla:
"It's Bosche. It smells good!"
CHAPTER X
A MOMENT'S RESPITE
Wereached the river which I afterwards discovered was the Loison. There was no difficulty there. Some foot-bridges had been erected, which bent beneath our weight till they touched the water.
On the other bank we were greeted by some Engineers.
"We've been working the water-wheel for you foot-sloggers! Isn't that worth a drink?"
We replied:
"In Berlin!"
The torrent of shells still continued, but passed over our heads. Our field-guns retorted, but only feebly, as we were well aware.
We began to clamber up the other side of the valley. More corpses! On our right we could see the smoking ruins of a village. But our morale had much improved, for we had just crossed the water-bed where the enemy's efforts had spent themselves in vain for three whole days.
Pffmm...! Pffmm...! We looked up.
"Pills?"
Bullets. Yes! An unpleasant sensation.
In the fields on a line with us, we caught sight of isolated soldiers (rotters—the lost lot), lying downor cowering on the ground, others dragging themselves along on their knees, or limping along. Where the deuce was the enemy? Perhaps at the edge of that wood about twelve hundred yards away, but invisible, needless to say.
A bank skirted a cross-road running along the side of the hill. We went towards it. Cover! Everyone felt the need of a real halt. The wish was fulfilled. We formed into sections.
Guillaumin greeted me with:
"Any of you hit? I was very much afraid so, for a minute!"
"A man named Blanchet," I said; "a splinter in the stomach!"
"Poor devil! Two kids, I believe!"
"And what about your lot?"
"Nobody. Not like the first. A shell made an awful mess of them."
"Frémont?"
"He wasn't touched, luckily."
Breton, the quartermaster-sergeant, joined us.
"Halloa, you chaps, going strong?"
We answered cordially:
"Not so bad for a start."
"We've done jolly well!" he said with naïve delight.
The captain came up accompanied by two subalterns. Some of the men began to get up.
"Stay as you are. It's not worth getting you fired at!"
"And what about you, sir!" Lamalou remarked.
"Oh, I'm taboo!"
The other gazed at him. The captain repeated:
"They can't do me any harm to-day!"
He smiled, his moustache bristling slyly. Then, turning to one of his companions:
"Pleased with your N.C.O.'s, Henriot?"
"Very much pleased, sir! Dreher and Guillaumin especially have done remarkably well!..."
"I was sure of it."
They went off. Guillaumin whispered:
"All over us, isn't he?"
He was joking, but I felt that he was touched and proud, dear chap that he was.
This rest did us both harm and good. Good, because we recovered from our exhaustion. We had a drink and a bite. Harm, because we softened and no one wanted to go on again.
An intermittent firing went on. Pffmm...! A bullet!... another!... and another!... Judsi pretended to catch them.
We heard that a man had just been killed in Ravelli's platoon, a bullet through his head. Confound it! We bent down. It was oppressively hot.
Then the artillery started off again. The order was passed along to lie down and protect our heads with our packs. The cartridge-pouches caused us agony. We stayed like that for nearly three-quarters of an hour. The men grew restless, and would rather have done a bolt, even forwards. I was the only one, I believe, to prefer the fatigue and less risk.
Henriot came to warn us to be ready.
We were. Some of the men readjusted their belts and straps.
A company on our right, the 23rd, was starting. Bouguet, who was watching it, exclaimed:
"Lawks. They're going down like ninepins!"
Guillaumin gave me a short lecture. All the theories they had taught us at the "Peloton" were out of date, all the supposed lessons of the Russo-Japanese war! The movements now must be carried out in established formations, sections for preference. The advantage of it was that the men felt they had support. Yes, but what a target they offered for the machine-guns in ambush.
Whom should I see appearing at my side but De Valpic, who crawled up.
"I wanted to come and wish you good luck," he said simply.
"Very nice of you!"
Lifting up my water-bottle, I said:
"Have a drink?"
"No thanks, Frémont gave me some water."
I was surprised. I had thought that that was the errand he had come on. But I was mistaken. He went away again. It was a purely friendly proceeding.
The order to start was delayed. Even I began to get impatient. Guillaumin, who had gone off, reappeared and confided in me that there had been great excitement.
The captain had just discovered Descroix tearing off his stripes.
"What an idea!"
"On the pretext that N.C.O.'s are marked particularly."
"Well?"
"It turned out badly. The captain called him ... a coward. He defended himself and contended that there was no need for him to get himself killed for nothing!"
"No one is ever killed for nothing!" the other answered. "And as to your stripes, if you daren't wear them, I'll relieve you of them!"
"The captain's a fool!" I said.
"Do you think so?"
"Certainly! It's probably true that the Bosches mark the N.C.O.'s."
Goodness knows I held no brief for Descroix, but Guillaumin disgusted me then with his little heroic sniffs.
I had decided to use my pack as a shield. I told him.
"Pooh! Do you think that's any good?"
I implored him to follow my example. It was sufficient protection against grape-shot. He ended by allowing himself to be convinced, and gave the same advice to the men who for the most part did not follow it.
Henriot, on his knees, was watching for the signal and giving us endless pieces of advice in an under-tone.
"You'll all start at once. Keep your eyes fixed on me, see? At the double. Is that clear? And as for firing, be careful about that. Be sure to wait for the order to fire!"
"Talk away," muttered Lamalou; "think we're going to wait for your bally permission when we get a sight of the Bosches?"
The whistle was blown.
"Advance!" shouted the subaltern.
CHAPTER XI
A MUCH STIFFER MATTER
Wehad hardly taken fifteen steps when the whistle began in our ears again! We threw ourselves down. But not quickly enough! Our left hesitated ... and got mixed.
"Scatter! Can't you? You ..." I shouted.
A man spun round and fell.
Henriot bellowed:
"Can't you lie down?"
But his voice hardly reached us.
"Why doesn't he lie down himself?" said Judsi. "Wot's the sense in it?"
He added:
"Pore Siméon. See wot a bloomin' pirouette 'e made. Didn't I say 'e was too tall!"
The firing slackened off, but we naturally saw nothing. A new rush—too long that one! Pffmm.... Crack! We were enveloped in a noise like the snapping of straps. A man fell not far from me, and the fellow next him looked as if he were going to stop.
"No, no! There isn't time," I shouted.
"Run! Run!" shouted Henriot.
It was easily said!
We had just gone into a ploughed field, and the earth stuck to our shoes.
"Will you run?" repeated the subaltern in a feverish tone.
I began to trot ponderously, steadying my water-bottle and my haversack. Two or three of the men did the same, but at the end of twenty yards we gave it up, out of breath....
I turned round and saw one of my chaps fall. I ran up.
"Well, Loriot, what's up now?"
"Oh, the blighters!" he groaned. "Oh, the bloody bastards!"
"What's the matter?"
His hands were glued to his front. He shrieked.
"Ow! my rupture!"
It was put on. I was not going to be caught!
"Get up!"
"Not much!"
I shook him.
"Up you get, Loriot!"
While he was going into contortions the others were gaining ground. Infuriated I yelled in his ear:
"You could be shot for this!"
But I suddenly felt doubtful. Was he really shamming? Tears were oozing out of his eyes.
"It's because I ran," he groaned.
The rest was lost.... He abruptly unbuckled his belt, and his braces. I bent down; there was a lump as big as my fist.... He hiccoughed, and vomited.
Stupefied and sickened, I stammered:
"Yes, yes.... Then.... St-tay where you are!"
All I had to do was to catch up with the rest. But now a new storm of bullets began to whizz by—thickerthan ever—buzzing like a swarm of bees.... And, Pap! Pap! Parapap! Pap!... There surely must have been a mitrailleuse in action.
I was alone. I no longer had the support of friendly presences. I did not take more than thirty yards. Good God! I suddenly collapsed. I hurled myself on to the ground.
My temples were throbbing. I could not get my breath. What did my life hang on? A thread! Pfffff! Pffmm.... If one of these sinister flies touched me ... there would be nothing left. The horror of such near annihilation ... suffocated me. Nothing!... The black chasm.... I did not want to....
With my mouth open I convulsively breathed the air. I soaked myself in the supreme sweetness of things ... the dazzling sun, the transparent sky, the green fields spread in my sight, and the blue curtain of the woods, encircling the clear horizon...!
Pffmm! Less than two yards from my face a little dust arose, a clod had been hit by a bullet. I buried my head in the furrow. I dreamt of digging a hole, and burying myself in it, alive!
My section was almost disappearing yonder, nearly two hundred yards away.... I suddenly regained consciousness. What was I doing? I was a coward then?
A coward? The word hurt me! Stay here behind. Oh, if only I had a wound! How I longed for one, no matter how bad a one as long as it was not mortal!... Or a sprain. I twisted my ankle and—must I confess it—pressed on it with all my strength.
There was nothing to be done! The ligamentsheld. As a matter of fact I soon gave it up, realising that I must go on. It had got to be done!
I was just about to overtake my section when there was a new unexpected noise ... like a huge piece of calico being torn.... They were opening fire farther down the line. But upon what? Nobody knew, but it was the signal for everyone to let fly. Instantly there was a crackle from one end of our line to the other.
When I came up some of the men turned round to look at me.
"Here's the sergeant!"
"Didn't expect to see you again!"
"Why not?"
"Thought you must be dead!"
"Oh, rot!"
Did I redden. Bouguet whispered to me:
"You must keep your eyes open. Some of 'em try to do a bunk on the Q.T.!"
I did not feel quite sure that he was not pulling my leg. Henriot bellowed:
"Yes, yes. Keep it up. Fire away!"
No detail as to the sight, or target, or the length of range. A man was missing! Guillaumin who crawled past, exclaimed:
"You ought to have been there, you see!"
Henriot now corrected himself:
"Cease firing! Advance!"
He got up and repeated the order. Nobody stirred. He lay down again and looked at us as if asking for advice. I pretended not to notice it. The men feverishly continued to bring their rifles to the shoulder, fire them, and reload.
I dropped on Moulard who was lying just behindTrichet and barely escaped hitting him at every shot he fired. Trichet drew back looking dazed, without seeming to understand.
The worthy Gaudéreaux who was beside him was firing precipitously.
But at what? At what?
In his agitation he got his lock jammed. I took hold of his rifle which burnt my hand. It took me a long while to repair the damage and I repeated:
"Why, in thunder, are you so set on playing with your trigger?"
Our losses were still slight. Only one man hit, in Guillaumin's section. But on ahead I caught sight of a barbed-wire entanglement surrounding a field. An unpleasant obstacle! And it was in our sector all right!
There was probably a ditch too. Henriot shouted:
"Here goes for cover!"
He started off courageously, and this time the men followed him. We covered the intervening space in a single rush, a foolish mistake which cost us two men. Judsi delighted his lads by imitating a horse's gallop.
The bullets shrieked over our heads as we crouched in the ditch. We let off a few desultory shots on the chance of hitting something. A minute or two passed. The subaltern was worrying about how to cross this entanglement!...
"It's quite simple," said Guillaumin. "Who's got the wire-nippers?"
"I have," said Corporal Bouguet.
Henriot hesitated:
"They'd better...."
"What?"
"Be made use of...."
"Very good, sir."
Bouguet calmly got up, and climbed out of the ditch. He knelt up and set to work.
"Good for you, Corporal!" shouted Bouillon.
It was a thrilling moment. The bullets whizzed and whistled all round him. He was a hero. He took his time about it, and it was a miracle that he was not hit ten times over!
"Will that do?" he asked.
"Excellently!"
He passed through the gap he had made and went and lay down in the field.
How tempted I was to admire him, but I restrained the impulse. He simply had no nerves, that was all. As for me my temperament forbade such achievements....
"Our turn now," said the lieutenant. "Follow me."
He made a dash and slipped through. He was not touched either. A great piece of luck. But then suddenly he lost his head and began to run forward all alone through the hail of bullets, without looking round. He went on for about fifty yards, then stopped, and disappeared into the hole made by a shell, in all probability. Yes, he had to call to us from there. His arm waved. We realised that he would never dare to come back to fetch us!
"Well, now we're in command of the platoon!" Guillaumin said to me. "Let's each take charge of our men, what?"
He added:
"We must get on!"
"Who'll go first?" I asked.
"I will, if you like."
He raised his voice to give his orders:
"When you get through, advance in skirmishing order by the right."
He sent two men on ahead, and then joined them. The rest crowded through. There were no hitches until it got to the last men, two of whom fell, one killed outright, the other wounded.
"I say, get them to fire a round!" shouted Guillaumin.
I gave the order for a volley. It was distinctly thin, and besides that, his men, having cleared the obstacle, stupidly inclined to the left. We were firing straight into their backs. I had some difficulty in getting my men to cease firing.
Bouillon said to me:
"The lucky chaps!"
"Why?"
"To have gone through first!"
They had left two dead men behind them, whose bodies half filled up the gap.
Our turn now.
I felt strangely detached. I watched myself get up and heard myself telling off the three men nearest to me:
"Get on, you, and you, and you!"
They went, much against their will.
"Get a move on!"
The first man lost his balance just as he got to the entanglement, and fell back into the ditch. The others immediately flung themselves back again.
I turned to the next two:
"You show them the way, Trichet and Bouillon!"
Bouillon looked at me imploringly, and neither of them budged an inch.
Pffmm! Pffmm! went the bullets above us!
"Aren't you ever coming?" shouted Guillaumin.
"No. 2 section is just as good as No. 1 section, surely!" I exclaimed.
Somebody muttered:
"After you!"
I implored Bouillon to try and get one or two through.
He sighed, and called out:
"Villain ... and Judsi, old chap, aren't you going to show them how?"
"You don't mean it?" said Judsi.
He came rolling along. Villain stood up with difficulty.
"Aa-h!"
His head burst like a hand-grenade.
Judsi ducked, giving vent to Cambronne's historical exclamation. Shaking like an aspen I wiped my sleeve on the grass.
At that instant a shot rang out among our men. What clumsiness! Beside myself, I shouted:
"Donnadieu!"
The corporal answered from his half-section. Was he there? Yes, I caught sight of him and went up to him.
"Donnadieu," I said excitedly, "I'm going on with some of the men. You'll shove the others along, see?... Kick them if necessary."
He looked down, and muttered something. I caught the word "wounded."
"What wounded? You wounded?"
This expression of misery and terror on his face ... his rifle lying on the ground. With his right hand hetook hold of the other fist, and raised it with difficulty to show me....
Blood was dripping from his hand. The middle finger was in a horrid mess and hung down limply, by a strand of skin; a fragment of bone was sticking out.
"Poor old chap ..." I began.
But I suddenly had an intuition. The man's eyes avoided me.
"It's a put-up job," I shouted down his ear; "you've done it yourself!"
I shook him roughly by the shoulder. The wretched creature tottered, and fell on his side, protecting his mutilated hand.
"You hound!"
I ground my teeth:
"A good job if it kills you!"
I believe that in my rage I went so far as to kick him.... One's own weak moments are so easily forgotten.... I was choking with anger and disgust, and the agony too of being unequal to my task.... I was responsible; and we were hanging back behind all the others, making a gap in the front of attack.
Our comrades who had gone on began to abuse us.
"A lot o' bloomin' funks!"
"Going to stay behind are you?"
I was forced to act. I felt my mind lashed by the burning blast of decision.
I began by rebuckling my pack behind my shoulders. Freedom for one's arms was an obvious necessity.
I stood up and said in a firm tone:
"We've not done yet; we've got to get through!"
My cheeks were scorching. Everyone was looking at me. I think I gave the impression of the most absolute coolness.
"Come along! Come along! Bouillon...!"
I reached the gap without hurrying myself. Pffmm! Pffmm! That terrible buzzing.... I got through and shouted imperiously:
"Hurry up! Hurry up there!"
I was standing up. I had set them in motion. Bouillon, Lamalou, and some others hurried along, bending down.... Someone shouted:
"Lie down, Sergeant, lie down!"
I lost all consciousness of what was passing. I was thinking of a thousand other things—of my brother.... I calmly wondered if he had been killed in this way. However, some instinct urged me to kneel down, and then the realisation of the danger we were in seized me.... If only I could have thrown myself down and lain still! But ten of my men were still on the other side. I felt bound to wait until the last one had come through. And they did not hurry themselves! How bitter I felt. All my senses were waking up again. I was annoyed with myself for exposing myself like this, but I could not prevent myself from doing so.
I had got them all over at last! Guillaumin got hispoilustogether for a new rush.
"Advance!"
Nobody dropped out; nobody, that is, except two poor lads who were killed on the spot.
"At the gallop!" cried Judsi, who was once more pretending to be a horse.
I signed to them to keep extended order. We ran along like that for about one hundred yards, almostwithout casualties, and then crowded all together behind a narrow tank.
There was heavy firing for a few minutes; a relaxation for the nerves! Two hundred and fifty yards! At the edge of the wood! Fire! I had given my orders quite at random.
Bouillon assured me emphatically that he could make out the peaked helmets. I, too, was firing madly, as an excuse for giving no more directions.
I suddenly saw Henriot beside me; he shouted:
"Cease firing!"
And leaning towards me, said:
"Steady on; you must husband your ammunition! And the show's over for to-day!"
Over? It was only then that I noticed that the sun had just disappeared, that the night was falling. The engrossing struggle had robbed us of all idea of time.
CHAPTER XII
WE COLLECT OURSELVES
"No! Call yourselvespoilus!" Bouillon exclaimed.
We looked at each other, and at the strained faces smeared with sweat and powder, the torn greatcoats, the knees and hands covered with earth. But what a feeling of buoyancy! In me most of all! I dared not predict the issue of the battle. Victory or defeat, that seemed of very slight importance to me, I admit, compared with the fact that I was still alive.
The night was falling. Behind us was the river, indicated by the dark waving of the willow-trees and in the distance the slopes of the farther bank were all enveloped in a haze of wan violet tones.
The captain was on his rounds.
"Well, what did you think of it, Dreher?" he asked me.
"Most interesting, sir!"
He went away, after giving me a cordial glance from his piercing eyes.
I sounded Henriot. Was there any hope of a distribution of...?
"None at all! Ssh! Don't let's talk about that!"
Certain measures were taken in view of a possible attack, and some rough trenches made. I wondered that volunteers were found for sentry-duty, and othersfor a fatigue party, led by Guillaumin, in search of water.
The latter for that matter looked after everything. He had directed the trench-digging and had made out the casualty returns, and then, being quite indefatigable, he left us to go and get news of the other platoons.
Rolled up in my great-coat, I was wishing for nothing so much as a doze, when he reappeared.
"Well?"
"I say, I've just heard a heart-breaking bit of news!"
"What? Who?"
"Poor little Frémont!"
I raised myself on my elbow:
"Oh. Is he hit?"
"Badly hit, apparently!"
My heart contracted. What a nightmare! That child who had been with me on the highroad yesterday, whom I had led on...! I saw him growing pale at the sight of the stretchers ... was it a presentiment...? And I had a vision of him on the bench in the garden the other day, folding his darling in his arms.
Guillaumin's thoughts had kept pace with mine.
"His wife," he said. "How sad it is! And you know she was expecting ... that they ... had hopes...."
"Yes, I know."
We were silent for a moment. Dull misery was brewing in me. Then Guillaumin got up; he wanted to spend his night beside his men.
"And I," I said, in a strangled voice, "you have no suspicions?"
"You! What about it?"
"My brother...."
"Well?"
"Has been killed."
"You're mad! How in the world could you know?"
"I heard it this morning."
He stammered:
"You.... Your brother ... the subaltern?"
"Yes."
He seized my hand.
"Michel.... Why ... didn't you tell me about it?"
My Christian name! I had quite got out of the habit of hearing it. I was touched, and pressed his warm hands. Tears rose to my eyes. I experienced the sad and yet sweet consolation which the affection of living people brings in the presence of death. He was a true friend. I admired the delicacy which made him hold his peace; so many people would have thought of nothing at that moment except of lavishing a flow of unmeaning words on me. He silently shared in my mourning.
At last he said simply:
"I am thinking of my sister. If I were killed ... or if she were to die!..."
He lingered for a few minutes, sitting beside me in the grass. There was a hallowed silence.... Friendship, the purest of manly sentiments, revealed itself to me in force....
I was the one to suggest he should go; he needed his sleep.
We pressed hands again.
"Mind you sleep, Michel."
"Good-night, Claude...."
He went away. I leaned my forehead on my arm,and tried to get to sleep, but my face was burning. What strange tumultuous thoughts besieged me.
I caught myself repeating: "Victor, my poor Victor!" But this time something was rent asunder. A veil fell. The artificial atmosphere in which all my joys and sorrows had been deadened for so long was dissipated.
My man's heart began to bleed. I became conscious of my grief. Without diminishing it I could now compare it, without blasphemy, with that other, into which the death of my mother had formerly plunged me. A double regret, identical, I felt in its essential point, for these two beings were of my blood, my nearest relations, a little of myself. Part of my life and future were buried with them. I understood now what an irrecoverable part my brother had played in my life. I had loved him when a child, and my childhood would never be renewed. Our gaze and our minds had awakened to the same things. A thousand memories were ours, ours alone. O Victor, I remembered the grace of your eighth, your tenth year. Our wild games in the big house at Tours, and in the summer holidays in the big garden at Emberménil. I admired you and adored you, my strong elder brother, who never abused your strength, who used to consent to being the "horse," out of your turn very often, so that I might hold the reins. When you brought friends home you did not like me, the youngest of the band, to be "ticked," and when I was "it" too long, you let yourself be caught on purpose.
I could remember my brother leaving for La Flêche as clearly as if it had been yesterday. I was inconsolable. I was seven years old, and in my unhappiness I refused to eat any pudding for a whole week!
I was just beginning to write. With a great effort I managed to cover a page for him every week. When he came back at Christmas, looking very smart in his new uniform, how delighted, how overjoyed I had been.
And then, little by little, we had drifted apart.
My brother! I had not really known him! I never should know him. Oh, the anguish of that thought. The fault had been on my side, for he in his affection had made many advances. The hope of putting an end to the misunderstanding between us never left him. Even quite lately certain words of his showed his fondness for me. But I had always repulsed him—he was shy, in spite of his handsome energetic appearance—by my arrogance and coldness.
Why had I decreed, ever since I was sixteen, that it was absurd for men to kiss, and at our next meeting had put out my hand to stop his customary greeting?
How many times, it was more like a hundred than one, he must have been grieved by my harshness and indifference before having resigned himself to it. And had he ever resigned himself to it?
Was it necessary that he should fall, to bring me to repentance. Alas! If only he could have seen me now, me the egoist, pouring out bitter, precious tears for him, the first for ten years.
I seemed to have been born anew to the deeper human feelings. Access to a sublime region was given back to me. My heart, which had been shrivelled and hardened for so long, softened and expanded. In a transport of generosity I tried to think who there was still left for me to love on earth.
The thought of my sister-in-law occurred to me first. I knew that, in her great love for Victor, shewould have welcomed me as a brother as eagerly as she had welcomed a father. It was I again who had discouraged her advances. I reproached myself for it. I foresaw the hope of atoning for it. This death would create certain duties for me. Madeleine had lost her parents, she had no relations except a married sister at Versailles. When once my father had gone, I should be the head of the family, the children's natural guardian.
I thought of the little things' future. I would look after Xavier's education, and guide him towards a fine career. And I saw the little girl grow up. We would let her marry where her heart led her.
I thought of my father with reverence too. Our sorrow drew us nearer to each other. I imagined him being abandoned by his strength, when he heard the news. My courage and my pity would support him without humiliating him. I even dreamt that his love, robbed of its object, would end by being concentrated entirely upon me. Was it only a fancy? I remembered his clasp, and his voice which changed when we bid each other farewell.
Thus my thoughts strayed to each of my dear ones. I paused at each vision to enjoy it. But it seemed to me that behind them all another was hiding, undecided whether to appear or not! Suddenly a light shone forth ... a silhouette rose up, of a child, slim and fair, with a grave sweet smile, and tender eyes. It was such a dazzling apparition that I thought of adorning it and setting it up as a secret goddess in the inmost depths of my being to preside over my regeneration.
I tried to sweep aside the idol, to dispel the nimbus of illusions.... What did an exchange of post-cards,as a continuation of our talks in the holidays, signify?
The phantom refused to fade away; it reigned, pure and enthralling, in my consciousness. It was becoming an obsession. I decided to get up and take a turn.
The silent night enveloped everything, things and people, our line and the enemy's. Most of the men were sleeping, tired out, but the sentries, standing a few yards ahead, peered into the mysterious darkness.
In No. 2 platoon some of the men were still talking below their breath. I recognised the voices of Judsi and Corporal Bouguet.
"There ain't nothing wrong with the lieutenant, but 'e loses 'is 'ead!"
"Tell you who's a bit of all right, and that's the sergeants!"
"As for Dreher, 'e knocked me silly, that 'e did. 'E's a cove wot won't stop at nothink, 'e is."
I did not listen any longer, but passed by, smiling. I was touched, and surprised at being so. And I thought, "Father, father, if only you could hear them!..."
BOOK VI
August 14th-25th
CHAPTER XIII
A VICTORIOUS DAWN
Thecold woke me as usual. I was stiff with cramp from my left shoulder down to my hip.... It would be a miracle if we did not all get our deaths of rheumatism.
An oppressive silence reigned. I put my hand out to feel the grass damp with dew. I could make out the shadow of my comrades a few yards away.
I rubbed myself and stretched my muscles. I was really remarkably fit on the whole, and the excruciating contraction in my side soon disappeared. I looked out. The Huns yonder must be dreading our awakening. I tried to recall the magnanimous feelings with which I had lulled myself to sleep a few hours ago, but I was too drowsy. Only one vision consented to charm me, the face of a young girl.
"At the wheel already, Dreher?"
It was the subaltern. He told me he had not slept much.
"There might have been a counter-attack! I had to keep on at my rounds!"
When he was just on the point of going away, he said:
"I say, Dreher, I hear, that is, Guillaumin told me, your brother...!"
"Oh, so you know about it. It has been a great blow!"
"We'll revenge him all right," he assured me.
A lot of good that would do me, I thought.
There was nothing to show where the east was. An indefinite brightness however replaced the darkness by insensible degrees. The tops of the willow-trees at the bottom of the valley were emerging from a woolly haze.
All our lot were up and about, now. The cooks found a way, without consulting the lieutenant, of going to make the coffee a few hundred yards to the rear.
Judsi, who brought up the first bucketful, said to me:
"Give us your mug, Sergeant!"
"I go in with the '10th,'" I objected, but he assured me that it would give them so much pleasure, we'd got on so well yesterday.
I let him give me some, and tasted it.
"Clinking, your coffee."
"Here's to you!"
Big Henry soon came up on behalf of the other half-section; and I had to accept a second cupful, in order to prevent any jealousy. What enchanted me was that I had won the esteem of these fellows—at small cost, goodness knows!
A little firing had been heard for the last few minutes, but only in the distance, strange to say! Nothing serious so far!
The quartermaster-sergeant passed, inquiring what ammunition we had left! Nothing very great! We had played havoc with it.
"No more need of bullets!" Guillaumin interrupted joyously. "We're going to do some storming now!"
I had not seen him since last night. Unbrushed, unshaven, his dirty face shining. Was this, I thought, henceforward to be my friend, my best friend? I would not allow myself to be ill-natured.
He was wanted by Henriot, and crawled away. It was the only mode of progression permitted. I was not sorry he had gone. I should have found nothing to say to him. The prospect of a bayonet charge obviously inflamed and excited him, just like that savage Lamalou who was boasting that he would skewer, how many?—one, two, three—who would have a bet on it?
As for me, I admit that I dreaded those two hundred yards across that no-man's-land (the last rush for how many of us!), and what followed, still more the hand-to-hand fight with the bayonet, the horrible butchery, the atrocious phase of the fighting for which no one prepares, for no one would face it in cold blood.
We had to wait for orders, for a long time, crouching behind the earthworks with our rifles in our hands.
It had got quite light.
All at once, exclamations were heard.
We looked round.
A hussar was galloping across the fields behind us.
"'E's arskin' ter be napoo'd!" Judsi exclaimed.
What a target indeed! How could the enemy help having a shot!
The horseman raced along the line, and disappeared. Not a single shot had been fired by the Bosches. Afew minutes of trying suspense passed. Then a rumour ran along the line. Some of the men showed signs of getting up.
"Lie down!" Henriot commanded.
But we saw Breton walking quickly towards us, without the customary precautions. His face was beaming!
When still thirty yards off, he shouted:
"Nobody ahead of us now!"
"What?"
"They sloped off in the night!"
The news flew from mouth to mouth. An ingenuous, delirious joy took hold of our companions. A broadside of jokes burst forth.
"The 'Allemans' funked us!"
Judsi chuckled.
"W'en the blighters saw the 1.3 being brought along ... they said to themselves: 'Nothing to be done but to 'ook it.'"
I breathed again. I marvelled at the fulfilment of my private wish. No more danger for the moment. I should not be killed this morning!
The hussar, who had brought the news, appeared again, and deliberately urged his horse towards the woods, the zone which yesterday had been inaccessible. There was a new outburst of delight, and the men began to rag the sentries who had been on duty during the night:
"Gaudéreaux, w'y couldn't 'ee tell us they'd done a bink. You was snoozin', you old blighter, I dew believe."
Half an hour later, when arms had been piled, and the men dismissed to rest, Guillaumin took me by the arm:
"Let's go and see what's become of the others!"
We met De Valpic on the way. He had not slept either, and was afraid he had caught a cold....
"You'll not be the only one, my dear chap!"
A few steps farther on there was a little group, the Humel-Playoust lot. We went up to them, delighted to find them safe and sound. I don't know what put the idea into my head of tapping Descroix on the shoulder and saying to him:
"Good biz. The N.C.O.'s haven't come off so badly, what?"
He turned round in a fury.
"What do you mean?"
I understood. He must have thought I was alluding to that stupid affair of the stripes, which had gone quite out of my head. So I turned to Humel:
"Was it you who saw Frémont fall?"
"Yes."
"Where was he hit?"
"Oh, look here! One has all one can do to look after oneself!"
The quartermaster-sergeant was making signs to us in the distance. We went towards him. Guillaumin enlightened me on the way.
"That Descroix business was a put-up job, you know. He doesn't like it talked about."
"All the worse if it was arranged beforehand!"
Breton, who had joined us, took us to a clump of trees. When we got there he said:
"Look here!"
A German officer was standing up leaning lightly against a shield. His field-glasses were up to his eyes, and he seemed to be gazing through the opening.
Was he alive or dead? We hesitated but soon found out when we got nearer.
"Rather neat, what?" said Breton.
While ferreting about near by, Guillaumin came across a shell-hole. He exclaimed:
"The work of the 75's. No wound, apparently. Simply the effect of the concussion."
Then with a knowing wink:
"Pretty hot stuff these Turpin machines, what?"
We looked for a few seconds at the big well-built man with regular features, in the tightly fitting uniform trimmed with frogs. Some of the men who had come up formed a circle round us. Lamalou, without any hesitation, put his hand on the shoulder of the dead body....
I shall never forget the horror of it! The legs remained firmly fixed, but the upper half of the body fell apart, as if it had been a mannequin made in two pieces.
We bolted, but thepoiluscalled to each other cheerily to come and have a look.
The halt continued; we extended the range of our walk as far as the quarter occupied by the other battalion. We came across friends at every other step, and greetings and hand clasps were more cordial than usual:
"No bad news, of your lot?"
And the reply was awaited with the curious mixture of curiosity and apprehension with which the list of victims is perused the day following a catastrophe.
We produced a painful effect each time. At the name of Frémont a look of sincere commiseration appeared on all the faces. Everyone loved him for his charm, and his good nature, this boy with the lookof a girl and the memory of his romance secretly touched all their hearts.
The losses did not appear to be very serious; on the whole, our company was among those to have suffered most.
Someone announced that Denais, the big fellow in the 19th, had been killed right at the beginning by a splinter of shrapnel.
"Denais!"
I was thunder-struck. We had been bed-neighbours for a week, once, in the infirmary. We had seen a lot of him at F—— even during the last few days. I could see his face contracting at the notes of the "Funeral March." I heard him cry: "Oh, shut up! It's idiotic!..." And now he had "gone west."
What struck me most was that his disappearance did not seem to affect any one. Not a single regret was expressed. At the "Peloton" he had always, like myself, been one of those who knew how to get out of things, difficult—again like me—to "catch out," like me polite and sarcastic. General opinion classed us together as thorough egoists.
"And how about your foot?" Guillaumin asked me. "How's it getting on?"
It had not entered my head again!
"All the better! Because now we shall have to fight chiefly on our legs!"
"Do you think so?"
"We shall have to follow them up!"
"Rot!"
He looked at me.
"By Jove, you don't look much as if you realised that we have just gained a victory."
I shrugged my shoulders, and he continued:
"It must be rather a knock for the Bosches! A repetition of Mulhouse...."
I poured cold water on his enthusiasm. The enemy had retired of themselves and had not been forced to by us; a manœuvre on their part, perhaps. And we saw only such a small part, a very small part.
Guillaumin grew heated and hurled himself into nebulous strategical problems. I enjoyed urging him on. At last he almost lost his temper.
"We'll go and ask the subaltern!"
Henriot was coming towards us just having left an officers' confabulation.
"Well?"
"Ah!" he exclaimed, raising his cap, "our success is even more complete than we had hoped!"
"Hm!"
Guillaumin smacked me on the back.
Descroix and Humel, and all that lot, joined us again.
"I've got some details," Henriot announced breathlessly. "Here...."
His recital only confirmed the version I had had from Dagomert. After a partial repulse, after allowing the Germans to cross the Othain, and the Loison, possibly for tactical reasons, we had suddenly taken the offensive. The enemy had retired in disorder. One regiment had been completely wiped out by fire.... Henriot quoted the regimental number: