THE COMBINED PRESS.

It is all settled. There was no other way. Art was held down by the Jews, who demanded that she come to their terms. So she has given up, not, perhaps, without a bit of a gurgle in her choked throat, but like the new woman she has become, she manfullyfaced the music with no bit of compromise. She gave all, asking nothing but that she be placed on a basis of “commercial independence.” I quote from the announcement which the factory officials make to her old time friends—those who believed that Art should exist because shewasArt, and that she should not be compelled to sell her very soul for the dollars she could earn by working overtime in their sweat shops:

“The Combined Press is a literary syndicate formed for the purpose of obtaining for writers commercial independence and liberal remuneration for high class work.”

This starts out well, and hereafter all writers who belong shall be given a rating inBradstreet’s.

“All contributors, whether stockholders or otherwise, will be given the privilege of receiving in payment the entire cash returns derived from their published matter, less actual cost of service.”

This is encouraging, for writers may feel secure in getting some return for their labor; but hopes are dashed in the next paragraph:

“Under no circumstances, however, will inferior contributions be accepted from any one, and merit will in every case be given preference regardless either of authorship or membership.”

The superintendent of the factory will, of coursebe the judge as to merit. Regarding the Plan the Sad Tale continues as follows:

“One thousand shares of stock will be issued to writers of established merit at $15.00 per share, paid up value. A payment of one-third of this amount will secure each share of the stock, but no certificates will be issued until stock becomes fully paid up, either by assessment or by accumulation of undivided profits.”

This is where the trail of the serpent shows. Mark you: it costs sums of money to be an Artist. The days when Genius burned the tallow dip at midnight in the garret are forever gone, for now, when everybody will have a commercial standing, the Artists’ Labor Union will permit of no more than eight hours labor each day. Here follows a choice bit:

“No stock will be issued to other than writers of marked literary ability, and applicants for membership will be required to give as reference the names of one or more high-class publications to which they have contributed. Applications for stock will be referred to a committee on membership, and no stock will be transferable, except to such as are deemed entitled to membership by this committee.”

Whatis “marked literary ability,” and who does the marking?

The factory, as it is now conducted, will consist of six departments. Following is a list of the Foremenand Forewomen to whom all complaints and applications for positions must be made:

“Fiction, Ruth McEnery Stuart; Humor, R. K. Munkittrick; Washington, A. H. Lewis (Dan Quin); Juvenile, John Kendrick Bangs; Woman, Frances Bacon Paine; Agricultural, James Knapp Reeve.”

The following paragraph did not seem to me to be quite complete, so I have filled out the things which were apparently forgotten in the hurry of getting this remarkable circular before the public:

“Striking articles of adventure (true or false), discovery, achievement and special news are desired; also dramatic short stories, with or without action and not less than five per cent human interest, for young and old, especially the old; anecdotes, quaint, humorous and pathetic; novelettes, poems, jingles, verselets, squibs, squabs, jokes—everything, in fact, that will interest, comfort, amuse, harass or annoy the modern or ancient reader, thoroughly artistic in execution, will be available.“Too much emphasis cannot be placed on the statement that only high-class matter, especially prepared for the Combined Press, will be used at $150 a column, net. We solicit and will pay the highest cash prices for hides, tallow, horns and pelts. Also for sale, cement, wool (wild from the West), hair (Le Gallienne and Ibsen brands), bricks (with or without straw) and material for building a modern periodical.“The stock books will be closed on November fifteenth, in order to complete the organization andmake contracts for the coming year, stock remaining unsold November fifteenth having been already arranged for by parties in New York City.“Address all communications to The Combined Press, 1128-1129 American Tract Building, New York.“Directors—John Kendrick Bangs, President; Ruth McEnery Stuart, Vice President; R. K. Munkittrick, Secretary; Albert B. Paine, Treasurer; A. H. Lewis (Dan Quin), Washington; James Knapp Reeve, Chief Geezer.”

“Too much emphasis cannot be placed on the statement that only high-class matter, especially prepared for the Combined Press, will be used at $150 a column, net. We solicit and will pay the highest cash prices for hides, tallow, horns and pelts. Also for sale, cement, wool (wild from the West), hair (Le Gallienne and Ibsen brands), bricks (with or without straw) and material for building a modern periodical.

“The stock books will be closed on November fifteenth, in order to complete the organization andmake contracts for the coming year, stock remaining unsold November fifteenth having been already arranged for by parties in New York City.

“Address all communications to The Combined Press, 1128-1129 American Tract Building, New York.

“Directors—John Kendrick Bangs, President; Ruth McEnery Stuart, Vice President; R. K. Munkittrick, Secretary; Albert B. Paine, Treasurer; A. H. Lewis (Dan Quin), Washington; James Knapp Reeve, Chief Geezer.”

Following is the form for use of those who want positions:

Form 427300 MTHE COMBINED PRESS.APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT.________ 189_To James Knapp Reeve, Head Geezer,American Tract Building, New York:I (Name in full, three names if possible) ________ do hereby apply for a position as ________ and if employed do agree to faithfully observe all rules and regulations of the Combined Press, to maintain strict integrity of character, to abstain from the use of intoxicating liquors and profane swearing, not to assign my wages, and that I will perform my duties to the best of my ability.I was born the ____ day of ____ year of ____ in County of ____ State of ____ My height is ____ feet ____ inches; weight ____ pounds.Married or single. (If married, give full name and address of wife or husband, and how you like it.)Name and address of parents, if living. If dead, state so, and why.Names of those wholly dependent upon and supported by me. (This must be answered in full.)Divorced? (If not, why not?)Full name and address of last employer and occupation.Names of all editors by whom employed, with bill of particulars giving times and places.Cause of leaving (in each case).Names of “high-class publications referred to who will endorse the applicant as a reliable, industrious and competent person of marked literary ability.”Witnesses:____X____Mark here.__________________

Form 427300 M

THE COMBINED PRESS.

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT.

________ 189_

To James Knapp Reeve, Head Geezer,American Tract Building, New York:

I (Name in full, three names if possible) ________ do hereby apply for a position as ________ and if employed do agree to faithfully observe all rules and regulations of the Combined Press, to maintain strict integrity of character, to abstain from the use of intoxicating liquors and profane swearing, not to assign my wages, and that I will perform my duties to the best of my ability.

I was born the ____ day of ____ year of ____ in County of ____ State of ____ My height is ____ feet ____ inches; weight ____ pounds.

Married or single. (If married, give full name and address of wife or husband, and how you like it.)

Name and address of parents, if living. If dead, state so, and why.

Names of those wholly dependent upon and supported by me. (This must be answered in full.)

Divorced? (If not, why not?)

Full name and address of last employer and occupation.

Names of all editors by whom employed, with bill of particulars giving times and places.

Cause of leaving (in each case).

Names of “high-class publications referred to who will endorse the applicant as a reliable, industrious and competent person of marked literary ability.”

Witnesses:____X____Mark here.

_________

FACTORY NOTES.James Knapp Reeve has been engaged as night watchman.Last Tuesday Munkittrick, who has charge of the automatic double-chisel mortising machine, while gettingout his second batch of verselets for the day and talking with Frankie Paine at the same time, accidentally lost a thumb. You must be more careful, Munk.Dan Quin is laid off for a week for sassing the foreman.Ruth Stuart is pasting labels on boxes on the sixth floor.Jimmy Reeve is captain of the Combined Press Base Ball Club, which will play against the Mule Spinners from Cohoes on Thursday.Johnnie Bangs had the misfortune to lose his pay envelope last Saturday night. It contained $4.65. The finder will please send it to him at Yonkers.The Albert Bigelow Paine Chowder Club will give one of their delightful assemblies at Milligan’s Hall at the Hydraulics next Saturday. Gents, 35c. Ladies, free.

James Knapp Reeve has been engaged as night watchman.

Last Tuesday Munkittrick, who has charge of the automatic double-chisel mortising machine, while gettingout his second batch of verselets for the day and talking with Frankie Paine at the same time, accidentally lost a thumb. You must be more careful, Munk.

Dan Quin is laid off for a week for sassing the foreman.

Ruth Stuart is pasting labels on boxes on the sixth floor.

Jimmy Reeve is captain of the Combined Press Base Ball Club, which will play against the Mule Spinners from Cohoes on Thursday.

Johnnie Bangs had the misfortune to lose his pay envelope last Saturday night. It contained $4.65. The finder will please send it to him at Yonkers.

The Albert Bigelow Paine Chowder Club will give one of their delightful assemblies at Milligan’s Hall at the Hydraulics next Saturday. Gents, 35c. Ladies, free.

And do myPhilistinereaders think this is all good fooling? Do they think that no such circular was ever issued? I hope they do. It is pleasant to retain our old fashioned belief that men write because they have something to say: because like Charles Reade they have a purpose to accomplish; because like Thackeray they can dazzle us with the satire ofa master, or because like Stevenson they can take us to Treasure Island or on that Inland Voyage where were days of such delight as come rarely to men.

This circular, however, is a stubborn reality printed in muddy black and gory red, and the word Combined is evidently pronounced Combin-ed. It will be sent to poor devils who imagine that by subscribing to a fifteen-dollar share of stock, their wares may be marketed like peaches in September, by men whose names are known because they are signed to “verselets, squibs and jokes” in Harper’s Drawer. Thus may the salaries of the officers be paid. It’s a lovely plan, and could originate in no better place than Franklin, Ohio. Then, too, “American Tract Building” sounds good. Surely nothing else than sincerity could issue from a Tract Building, and a guarantee of “commercial independence” is worth something.

But it’s none the less pathetic, for all that. Many shares of stock will be taken, and many weary days will be spent waiting for the promised halo which, after all, wouldn’t fit if it came. It was the father of Jules St. Ange, if I remember correctly, who made “the so best sugah in New Orleans,” And he died and never sold a barrel of it. He was happy because he knew it was the best, though the commercial men told him it was not. So, too, as all theWorld’s Louis has said, “He who has meant good work has done good work, though he has not the time to sign his name.”

I knew a man once, though, who worked many weary hours one Christmas time, and made a holiday story for a morning paper. It was a story of such truth as moved men to give to a hospital in a great city such money as supported it for half a year, and sick children were made well because of it. But he was not a man of “marked literary ability” and he never knew what he had done. He was not an Adam Smith, and he knew little and cared less about the wealth of nations. He simply wrote the truth from a heart that knew its own. Such men do not need to be told if their work be good or bad. They give us the best there is in them, and we are comforted because they have told us the things we knew before, only we didn’t know how to put them on paper.

H. P. Taber.

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