Frankton.Hah! There goes Miss Airy, I believe:—pray excuse me, Charles; perhaps she has observed me. You have eased my mind of its doubts, and your resolution has made your friend happy.—Adieu.
[Exit in haste.
Loveyet[manet].
A plague take your hurry, I say:—In the very moment of my telling him about sending the money to his house, he must conceit he saw Miss Airy;—but he has not received it yet, or he would have told me.—I hope Humphry has made no mistake;—I must see about it immediately.
[Exit.
SceneIV.The Street beforeMaria'sHouse.
EnterHumphryandNegrowith a trunk.
Humphry.This here is the house, I warrant you;—these crooked figures is enough for to puzzle a lawyer.—He said number two hundred and twenty-one:—two two's and a one stands for that, and there it is. [Knocks,—Servantcomes out.] Does one Mr. Frankton live here, pray?
Servant.No;—he is here pretty often though, and I expect he will live here altogether, by and by.
Humphry.Aye, I suppose he's only a lodger;—yes, this must be the place.
Servant.'Tis not the place you want, I believe.—Mr. Airy lives here.
Humphry.Mr. Airy! Aye, aye, now I've got it.—Here, Mr. What-d'ye-call'um, will you please to tell Miss Mary, somebody wants for to speak to her. [ExitServant.] Now I've found out the mistake;—since I told him how the old man was a going for to marry him to Miss Mary, he thought he must obey the old fellow, for fear he shou'dn't let him have any of his money, and she's got a swinging fortune, they say; so he sent the trunk to her.—But what shou'd he tell me to take it to Mr. Frankton's for?—Why I suppose he thought I should find him here, for the man says he's here very often:—and then the number on the door; why, that settles the matter at once,—there can't be two numbers alike, in the same street, sartainly:—Yes, he's made one of his old blunders.
Servantreturns.
Servant.Please to walk in, sir.
Humphry.Aye, aye;—here, master Cuffy, this way.
[They go in.
SceneV.A Room inMaria'sHouse.
MariaandOld Loveyetdiscovered sitting.
Loveyet.It certainly is a mistake, madam; I have sent nothing out of my house to-day.
Maria.He said it was from Mr. Loveyet, sir.—I confess I could not conceive what could induce you to send me a trunk of money.
Loveyet.Who brought it, madam?
Maria.A clownish kind of person, sir,—a countryman, I believe.
Loveyet.Ah, now I begin to suspect something.—What a sad rascal!—want to cheat his father! But this lucky mistake will spoil his project.
[Aside.
Maria.You are striving to unravel the mystery, sir.—I am afraid the man has made some serious mistake.
Loveyet.No matter,—it could not have come to a more suitable place; for, now it is here, it shall be yours, if you will consent to a proposal I have to make to you; for I have discovered it to be my property, after all.
Maria.If I can with propriety consent to anything you may propose, I will, sir;—but I hope you do not think either your or your son'smoneywill tempt me.
Loveyet.No, madam,—that is to say, I dare say it will not tempt you to do anything that is wrong;—but money is a tempting thing too,—though not quite so tempting as Miss Maria.—Hem, hem.—There was a delicate compliment for her!
[Aside.
Maria.Mercy on me! What can the ugly old mortal mean! It cannot be possible he would have the vanity to propose his odious self.
[Aside.
Loveyet.You must know, madam, my son has lately arrived from the West-Indies—
Maria.Really?—You rejoice me, sir.—Happy, happy Harriet!
Loveyet.Not so happy as you imagine, madam; for she is not to have my son, I assure you; I intend a lady of greater beauty and merit for him, who is not very far from me now,—provided she and her father have no objection.—There I put it home to her [Aside.]. Ugh, ugh.
Maria.I fear there is something in this rumour about Harriet.
[Aside.
Loveyet.Come, shall it be so, eigh?—Well, silence gives consent.—I know you can't have any particular objection. I must have you for a—Ugh, ugh, uh.
Maria.I must humour this joke a little. [Aside.]—The honour you wish to confer on me, is so great, Mr. Loveyet, that I want words to express a suitable acknowledgment;—but what will the world say, when a gentleman of Mr. Loveyet's sedateness and experience stoops to a giddy girl like me?
Loveyet.By my body, she thinks I want to have her myself.—Why, what a lucky young dog I am! I wish old Trueman was here now;—'ods my heart, and my life, and my—ugh, ugh,—but I must talk the matter over coolly with her. Hem, hem. [Aside.]—Oh, you dear little charming, angelic creature;—I love you so much, I cou'd find in my heart to—'Zounds! I cou'd eat you up.—By my body, but you must give me a sweet kiss. [Offers to kiss her.] 'Sblood! I can't bear it any longer. [Snatches a kiss.]—Ugh, ugh.
Maria.What a preposterous old dotard! [Aside.]—You will excuse me, Mr. Loveyet; I have company waiting for me.
Loveyet.By all means, my blossom;—it goes to my very heart to part with you, though;—but go to your company, my love, go, go.—I wou'dn't disoblige you, nor put the least thing in your way, for the seraglio—of the Grand Seignior. You may give up the trunk to my son now, if he calls for it, my love. [ExitMaria.] Oh, what a dear creature! Such sweet lips,—such panting, precious, plump, little—oh, I cou'd jump out of my skin at the thoughts of it!—By my body, I must have her, and poor Charles may have Harriet, for all.—A fig for both the Constitutions now, I say; I wou'dn't give my dear little Maria for a score of them.
[Exit.
SceneVI.A Street.
EnterYoung Loveyet.
I wish I could find that fellow;—I cannot think he has been treacherous;—but it is very strange, neither he nor my man have returned yet:—I am tired of seeking Frankton too;—since he made free to call at Harriet's for me, I think I will go to Miss Airy's for him: they say she lives near by. [EnterHumphry.]—Well, sir, what have you done with the trunk?
Humphry.Why, what you told me, to be sure. I've been a making your man Cuffy drunk, with some of the money you give me; but he's 'most sober now.
Loveyet.Did you see Mr. Frankton?
Humphry.No; but I carried the trunk to his lodgings though: I was just a going to Mr. Airy's, to see if I cou'dn't find you there.
Loveyet.Mr. Airy's?
Humphry.Aye,—where Mr. Frankton lodges; number two hundred and twenty-one;—there it is before your eyes.
Loveyet.That is number one hundred and twenty-two;—you did not carry it there, I hope.
Humphry.Yes I did.—Why isn't that the place?
Loveyet.Confound your dull brains!—Did you not enquire who liv'd there?
Humphry.Yes, Mr. Airy lives there.
Loveyet.What a strange circumstance!—You are sure Mr. Airy lives there.
Humphry.Sure and sartin;—why I see the young lady you're a going to be married to, and I give her the trunk; for I think the sarvint said how Mr. Frankton lodg'd there.—I hope there's no harm done.
Loveyet.I hope so too;—I must step in, and see; but this is the last time I shall send you with a message.
[Goes in.
Humphry.Like enough, for I'm a going home in the country to-morrow.
[Exit.
SceneVII.Trueman'sHouse.
EnterTrueman[reading a letter].
This is very unaccountable;—Richard Worthnought, eigh:—I wish, Mr. Worthnought, you had been at my school a while, before you scrawl'd this wretched epistle:—but the subject is still more unintelligible.
EnterWorthnought.
Worthnought.Mr. Trueman, I am yours.
Trueman.I deny it.—Heaven forbid, such a thing as you should be either mine or my daughter's!
Worthnought.I should not gain much credit by the alliance, I believe.—You have received my letter, sir, I presume.
Trueman.I think youpresume—rather more than becomes you, sir.
Worthnought.I find, the foolish old Put don't like me. [Aside.]—I am sorry you do not approve of my offer; but, but—a—rat me, but I must have her, for all that. Ha, ha, ha;—'foregad, I must, old gentleman.
EnterOld Loveyet.
Loveyet.But I say you shall not have her, sir;—there, I suppose you will have the impudence to callme oldgentleman next.
Worthnought.Demme, sir; what haveyouto do with his daughter?
Loveyet.Nothing; but my son has something to do with her: ha'n't he, friend Horace?
Trueman.Heyday! what does all this mean?—Has any State rejected the new Constitution?
Worthnought.Come, let's have no palitics, for gad's sake;—rat the canstitution:—I wou'dn't giveune Fille de joye, for all the musty canstitutions in christendom.
Trueman.By the dignity of my profession, you never read Publius then; or you would have likedoneconstitution.
Worthnought.Publius! ha, ha, ha.—I read Publius! Not I, sir, I assure you:—anoutréfellow,—a dull, mysterious, mechanical writer, as ever I refused to read, split me.
Loveyet.So he is, so he is, sir: by my body, I am glad to findsomebodyof my mind.
[TruemanandLoveyetretire to the back of the stage.
EnterFranktonandHumphry.
Frankton.You saw him go into Miss Airy's house, this morning, you say.
Humphry.Yes.
[Walks thoughtlessly about the stage.
Frankton.I think, this is a tolerable confirmation of the matter.
[Aside.
Worthnought.Hah,—Frankton;—'foregad, I am yours, superlatively.
Frankton.Are you, positively? Hah,—she is here. [EnterMaria, on the opposite side.] Your humble servant, Miss Airy.
Maria.[Pretends to take no notice ofFrankton.] Mr. Trueman, I hope I have the pleasure to see you well.
Trueman.I thank you, madam. [Resumes his discourse withLoveyet, who does not yet observeMaria.]
Maria.I hoped to have found Miss Harriet here, sir.
Trueman.Madam?—
[Turns toLoveyetagain.
Loveyet.Therefore, sir, as I was telling you, I am determined to have her.
[ToTrueman.
Trueman.[LeavingLoveyet.] How is this, madam?—Mr. Loveyet tells me, he is determined to have you.
Frankton.Who! How!—Have who, sir?
[Loud and earnestly.
Loveyet.[SeeingMaria.] By my body, there she is herself.—Have who, sir?—Why, have this lady, sir; who do you think?—My sweet Miss Airy, I have the transcendent pleasure to kiss your hand, ugh, ugh.
Maria.Oh, fie, Mr. Loveyet.—I will have the pleasure to tease Frankton, now. [Retires withOld Loveyet, whispering, and looking tenderly at him.]
Frankton.Amazement!—Theoldfellow!
[Aside.
Worthnought.This is all very astanishing, 'foregad:—demme, but she deserves to die an old maid, if she hashim.
[Aside.
Maria.[Pretends to observeFrankton, for the first time.]—Mr. Frankton!—I did not observe you before: I give you joy of your friend's arrival, sir;—I suppose you have seen him;—he is very agreeable.
Frankton.Then I need not ask you, if you have seen him, madam.
Maria.He was at my house not two hours ago.
Frankton.Did not you see him before that, madam?
Maria.I did not, sir.
Frankton.Detested falsehood!
[Aside.
Maria.The old gentleman acquainted me of his arrival, only a few minutes before.
Loveyet.Eigh, how,—old gentleman!—she did not mean me, I hope.
[Aside.
Frankton.And you think Mr. Loveyet is so agreeable then.
Loveyet.Aye, that's me;—by my body, he is jealous of me. Ha, ha; poor young fool!
[Aside.
Frankton.He thinks very highly ofyou, I assure you, madam; he speaks of you with admiration.
Maria.And what of that, sir?—You speak as if you thought him myonlyadmirer.
[Affectedly.
Frankton.Disgusting vanity! [Aside.]—No, madam,—the number of your admirers is at least equal to that of your acquaintance;—but there is only one, who sincerelyloves, as well as admires you.
Loveyet.Come, come, sir; none of your airs, sir:—loveher indeed;—why—why, she don't loveyou.
[Ogling and winking at her, &c.
Worthnought.Ha, ha, gudgeons all, demme;—old square toes is cursedly bit; I see that.
[Aside.
Maria.Mr. Loveyet, I return'd the trunk to your son.
Humphry.His son.—Ha, ha.
Loveyet.Yes, yes, he told me so just now:—the poor dog was ready to jump out of his skin, when I told him he should have Harriet.
EnterCantwellandHerald.
Worthnought.Oh, the devil!—Now shall I be blown up, like a barrel of gun-powder.
[Aside.
Cantwell.Servant, gentlemen and ladies.—How is your daughter, Mr. Trueman? I hope she is likely to do well.
Trueman.I hope she is, madam; it is a match which we all approve.
Cantwell.No, no, sir; I mean concerning her late affair.
Herald.Why, young Loveyet certainly would not stoop so low, as to have her now.
Trueman.'Zounds! Why not, pray?
Loveyet.What, in the name of ill luck, can they mean!—I hope, I—oh, there they come.
EnterHarrietandCharles Loveyet.
Cantwell.Oh, dear, here they are;—why she don't look as if that was the case.
[ToHerald.
Trueman.I desire, ladies, to know what you mean, by these mysterious whispers.
Cantwell.La! sir; you only want to put a body to the blush; but if you want an explanation, that gentleman [Pointing toWorthnought.] can give it to you.
Charles.The villain! [Aside.]—I fancyIcould explain it as well.
Worthnought.Hem, hem,—now comes on my trial.
[Aside.
Charles.But first,—your blessing, sir.
[Kneels to his father.
Harriet.And yours, sir.
[Kneels toTrueman.
Loveyet.What,—married already!
Charles.This ten minutes, sir.
[Rising.
Worthnought.Then my ill-star'd fortune is decided.
[Aside.
Trueman.Upon my erudition, you have been too precipitate, Harriet; but I have no reason to think, you will repent it; you, therefore, have my sincerest benediction.
[Raising her.
Maria.I give you joy, my dear.
[ToHarriet.
Frankton.Now all my fears have vanished.
[Aside, and goes toYoung Loveyet.
Loveyet.By my body, you have made quick work of it, Charles.
Charles.For fear of the worst, I have.
[Aside.
Loveyet.But—but are you in favour of the new Constitution yet?
Charles.At present I can think of no Constitution but that of Love and Matrimony, sir.
Loveyet.And I shall be sorry if your matrimonial Constitution does not prove the better one of the two.—Eigh, Maria?
Worthnought.Dick Worthnought, esquire, thou art an ass and a liar; and, what is worse than both,—as poor as poverty. Oh, Fortune, thou blind disposer of human events, when wilt thou make a man of me?
[Going angrily.
Charles.Stay a little, if you please, sir.—My happiness is too great at present, to let me take that revenge, which the baseness of your conduct deserves: but justice bids me accuse you of having wickedly, and without cause, endeavoured to injure the reputation of this lady, whom it is my highest boast and felicity now to call my wife; my making her such, however, at the very time when the baneful tongue of Slander is so diligent to damn her spotless fame,—[Looking significantly atCantwellandHerald.]—will at once convince the public of her innocence, and the cruelty of her enemies. With her, you have also injured her connexions; but I, for my own part, am fully satisfied with those symptoms of shame and repentance, which you now evince.
Trueman.Upon my education, I did not think him susceptible of either.—A few minutes ago, I received this audacious epistle from him.
"Sir, I have the honour to—acquaint you—that I have an inclination—to marry your daughter,—notwithstanding—the late scandalous—reports that are transpiring to her disadvantage, and (what is still worse) the—comparative meanness—of her fortune to mine."—The comparative meanness of her fortune to mine.
Worthnought.Never was put so much to my trumps, 'foregad.
[Exit.
Herald.Unmannerly wretches!
[Scornfully, and exit.
Cantwell.Oh, the wickedness of this wicked world!
[Exit after her.
Loveyet.Why, this is just as it should be now;—I think business goes on finely.
Maria.You will not think so, much longer.
[Aside.
Loveyet.By my body, I am as merry as a cricket;—an't you, Maria? For my part, I feel so well pleased, I could find in my heart to—to do as you have done;—[ToCharles.] cou'dn't you, my love?
[ToMaria.
Maria.Yes, sir.
Loveyet.Oh, you dear little rogue! With whom, eigh, with whom?—Don't be bashful,—tell them.—I know she means me.
[Aside.
Maria.I beg to be excused from telling that, sir; but I will tell you who it is I wouldnothave.
Loveyet.Aye, that's him.—[Aside, looking atFrankton.]—Well, who is it you won't have, Maria, who is it?
Maria.You, sir.
[Emphatically.
Loveyet.Me, eigh?—me—me, Maria?
Charles.Preposterous infatuation!
Loveyet.D——'d, wanton, treacherous jilt!
[Walks about discomposed.
Maria.You have jilted yourself, sir;—nothing but excess of dotage and self-conceit could have let you impose on yourself in such a manner.
Frankton.And may I then hope—
Maria.Hope?—Oh, yes, sir;—you have my permission tohopefor anything you please.
Charles.And you, madam, the disposition to gratify his hopes, I fancy.
Loveyet.I fancy you lie, sir; and you sha'n't have Harriet, for your impertinence.
Charles.Excuse me, father;—it is not in your power to prevent that;—the happy deed is already executed.
Loveyet.'Zounds! that's true!—and, what is still worse, the other deed is executed too.—Fire and fury! All is lost, for the sake of that inveigling, perfidious young Syren. Ugh, ugh, ugh.
Trueman.[Burlesquing whatLoveyethas said in a former scene.] "'Sdeath, sir! I tell you I am but two and forty years old: she sha'n't be more than thirty odd, sir; and she shall be ten years younger than I am too.—A man of five and forty, old, forsooth!" Ha, ha, ha.
Loveyet.Perdition! Is this what I have come to at last?—Despis'd,—betray'd,—laugh'd at,—supplanted by a puppy,—[Pointing toFrankton]—trick'd out of my money by a graceless, aristocratic son,—I—I'll—I'll go hang myself.
[Exit in a passion.
Humphry.This is, for all the world, like the show I see t'other night, at the Play-house.
Charles.His agitation of mind distresses me: my happiness is not complete, while it is enjoyed at the expense of a father's:—painful reflection!—We will go immediately, Harriet, and endeavour to pacify him.
His conduct shall instruct the hoary Sage,That youth and beauty were not meant for age;His rage, resentment, av'rice, dotage, pride,(Sad view of human nature's frailest side!)Shall mend us all;—but chiefly I shall prove,That all his Politics, can never match myLove.
His conduct shall instruct the hoary Sage,That youth and beauty were not meant for age;His rage, resentment, av'rice, dotage, pride,(Sad view of human nature's frailest side!)Shall mend us all;—but chiefly I shall prove,That all his Politics, can never match myLove.
The End.
TRANSCRIBERS' NOTES:General: Variable hyphenation of mack(-)marony and to(-)day as in original.Page 353: Politican corrected to Politician.Footnote 2: Geneological as in original text (twice).
General: Variable hyphenation of mack(-)marony and to(-)day as in original.
Page 353: Politican corrected to Politician.
Footnote 2: Geneological as in original text (twice).