163Saturday the Twenty-Ninth
Once more I’m a grass widow. My Duncan is awa’. He scooted for Calgary as soon as his threshing-work was finished up. But that tumult is over and once more I’ve a chance to sit down and commune with my soul. Everything here is over-running with wheat. Our bins are bursting. The lord of the realm is secretly delighted, but he has said little about it. He has a narrow course to steer. He is grateful for the money that this wheat will bring in to him, yet he can see it would never do to harp too loudly on the productiveness of our land—onmyland, I ought to say, for Casa Grande has now been formally deeded to me. I find no sense of triumph, however, in that transfer. I am depressed, in fact, at the very thought of it. It seems to carry a vague air of the valedictory. But I refuse to be intimidated by the future.
Gershom and I, indeed, have been indulging in the study of astronomy. The air was crystal clear last night, so that solemn youth suggested that we take164out the old telescope and study the stars. Which we did. And which was much more wonderful than I had imagined. But Gershom had no reflector, so after getting a neck-ache trying to inspect the heavens while on our feet we took the old buffalo-robe and a couple of rugs out to a straw-pile that had been hauled in to protect our winter perennials. There we indecorously reposed on our backs and went stargazing in comfort. And Gershom even forgot that painful bashfulness of his when he fell to talking about the planets. He slipped out of his shell and spoke with genuine feeling.
He suggested that we begin with the Big Dipper, which I could locate easily enough well up in the northern sky. That, Gershom told me, was sometimes called the Great Bear, though it was only a part of the realUrsa Majorof the astronomers. Then he showed me Benetnasch at the end of the Dipper’s handle, and Mizar at the bend in the handle, then Alioth, and then Megrez, which joins the handle to the bowl. Then he showed me Phaed and Merak, which mark the bottom of the bowl, and then Dubhe at the bowl’s outer rim.
I tried hard, but I was very stupid about getting the names right. Then Gershom asked me to look165up at Mizar, and see if I could make out a small star quite close to it. I did so, without much trouble, and Gershom thereupon condescended to admit that I had exceptionally good eyes. For that star, he explained, was Alcor, and Alcor was Arabic for “the proof,” and for centuries and centuries the ability to see that star had been accepted as the proof of good vision.
Then Gershom went on to the other constellations, and talked of suns of the first and second magnitude, and pointed out Sirius, in whose honor great temples had once been built in Egypt, and Arcturus, the same old Arcturus that a Hebrew poet by the name of Job had sung about, and Vega and Capella and Rigel, which he said sent out eight thousand times more light than our sun, and is at least thirty-four thousand times as big.
But it only made me dizzy and staggered my mind. I couldn’t comprehend the distances he was talking about. I just couldn’t make it, any more than a bronco that had been used to jumping a six-barred gate could vault over a windmill tower. And I had to tell Gershom that it didn’t do a bit of good informing me that Sirius was comparatively close to us, as it stood only nine light-years away. I remembered how166he had explained that light travels one hundred and eighty-six thousand miles a second, and that there are thirty million seconds in a year, so that a light-year is about five and a half million million of miles. But when he started to tell me that some of the so-called photographic stars are thirty-two thousand light-years away from us my imagination just curled up and died. It didn’t mean anything to me. It couldn’t. I tried in vain to project my puny little soul through all that space. At first it was rather bewildering. Then it grew into something touched with grandeur. Then it took on an aspect of awfulness. And from that it grew into a sort of ghastliness, until the machinery of the mind choked and balked and stopped working altogether, like an overloaded motor. I had to reach out in the cold air and catch hold of Gershom’s arm. I felt a hunger to cling to something warm and human.
“We call this world of ours a pretty big world,” Gershom was saying. “But look at Betelgeuse up there, which Michelson has been able to measure. He has, at least, succeeded in measuring the angle at the eye that Betelgeuse subtends, so that after estimating its parallax as given by a heliometer, it’s merely a matter of trigonometry to work out the size of the167star. And he estimated Betelgeuse to be two hundred and sixty million miles in diameter. That means it would take twenty-seven million of our suns to equal it in bulk. So that this big world of ours, which takes so many weeks to crawl about on the fastest ships and the fastest trains, is really a mote of dust, something smaller than the smallest pin-prick, compared to that far-away sun up there on the shoulder of Orion!”
“Stop!” I cried. “You’re positively giving me a chill up my spine. You’re making me feel so lonesome, Gershom, that you’re giving me goose-flesh. You’re not leaving me anything to get hold of. You haven’t even left me anything to stand on. I’m only a little speck of Nothing on a nit of a world in a puny little universe which is only a little freckle on the face of some greater universe which is only a lost child in a city of bigger constellations which in turn have still lonelier suns to swing about, until I go on and on, and wonder with a gasp what is beyond the end of space. But I can’t go on thinking about it. I simply can’t. It upsets me, the same as an earthquake would, when you look about for something solid and find that even your solid old earth is going back on you!”168
“On the contrary,” said Gershom as he put down his telescope, “I know nothing more conducive to serenity than the study of astronomy. It has a tendency to teach you, in the first place, just how insignificant you are in the general scheme of things. The naked eye, in clear air like this, can see over eight thousand stars. The larger telescopes reveal a hundred million stars, and the photographic dry-plate has shown that there are several thousands of millions which can be definitely recorded. So that you and I are not altogether the whole works. And to remember that, when we are feeling a bit important, is good for our Ego!”
I didn’t answer him, for I was busy just then studying the Milky Way. And I couldn’t help feeling that it must have been on a night like this that a certain young shepherd watching his flocks on the uplands of Canaan sat studying the infinite stairways of star-dust that “sloped through darkness up to God” and was moved to say: “When I consider the heavens, the work of Thy fingers, the moon and the stars which Thou hast ordained, what is man that Thou art mindful of him, or the son of man that Thou visitest him?”
“Yes, Gershom, it’s horribly humiliating,” I said169as I squinted up at those serene heavens. “They last forever. And we come and go out, and nobody knows why!”
“Pardon me,” corrected the literal-minded Gershom. “They do not last forever. They come and go out, just as we do. Only they take longer. Consider the Dipper up there, for instance. A hundred thousand years from now that Dipper will be perceptibly altered, for we know the lateral movement of Dubhe and Benetnasch will give the outer line of the bowl a greater flare and make the crook of the handle a trifle sharper. Even a thousand years would show change enough for instruments to detect. And a million years will probably show the group pretty well broken up. But the one regrettable feature, of course, is that we will not be here to see it.”
“Where will we be?” I asked Gershom.
“I don’t know,” he finally admitted, after an unexpectedly long silence.
“But will it all go on, forever and forever and forever?”
“To do so is not in the nature of things,” was Gershom’s quiet-toned reply. “It is the destiny of our own earth, of course, which most interests us. And however we look at it, that destiny is a gloomy one.170Its heat may fail. Stupart, in fact, has established that its temperature is going down one and a half degrees every thousand years. Or its volcanic elevating forces may give out, so that the land will subside and the water wash over it from pole to pole. Or a comet may wipe up its atmosphere, the same as one sponge-sweep wipes up moisture from a slate. Or the sun itself may cool, so that the last of our race will stand huddled together in a solarium somewhere on the Equator. Or as our sun rushes toward Lyra, it may bump into a derelict sun, just as a ship bumps into a wreck. If that derelict were as big as our sun, astronomers would see it at least fifteen years before the collision. For five or six years it would even be visible to the naked eye, so that the race, or what remained of the race, would have plenty of time to think things over and put its house in order. Then, of course, we’d go up like a singed feather. And there’d be no more breakfasts to worry over, and no more wheat to thresh, and no more school fires to start in the morning, and no more children to make think you know more than you really do, and not even any more hearts to ache. There would be just Emptiness, just voiceless and never-ending Nothingness!”171
Gershom stopped speaking and sat staring up at Orion. Then he turned and looked at me.
“What’s the matter?” he asked, for he must have felt my shiver under the robe.
“Nothing,” I said in a thin and pallid voice. “Only I think I’ll go back to the house. And I’m going to make a pot of good hot cocoa!” ... And that’s mostly what life is: making little pots of cocoa to keep our bodies warm in the midst of a never-ending chilliness!
172Tuesday the Eighth
My husband is home again. He came back with the first blizzard of the winter and had a hard time getting through to Casa Grande. This gives him all the excuses he could desire for railing at prairie life. I told him, after patiently listening to him cussing about everything in sight, that it was plain to see that he belonged to the land of the beaver. He promptly requested to know what I meant by that.
“Doesn’t the beaver regard it as necessary to dam his home before he considers it fit to live in?” I retorted. But Duncan, in that estranging new mood of his, didn’t relax a line. He even announced, a little later on, that a quick-silver wit might be all right if it could be kept from running over. And it was my turn to ask if he had any particular reference to allusions.
“Well, for one thing,” he told me, “there’s this tiresome habit of hitching nicknames on to everything in sight.”
I asked him what names he objected to.173
“To begin right at home,” he retorted, “I regard ‘Dinkie’ as an especially silly name for a big hulk of a boy. I think it’s about time that youngster was called by his proper name.”
I’d never thought about it, to tell the truth. His real name, I remembered, was Elmer Duncan McKail. That endearing diminutive of “Dinkie” had stuck to him from his baby days, and in my fond and foolish eyes, of course, had always seemed to fit him. But even Gershom had spoken to me on the matter, months before, asking me if I preferred the boy to be known as “Dinkie” to his school mates. And I’d told Gershom that I didn’t believe we could get rid of the “Dinkie” if we wanted to. His father, I knew, had once objected to “Duncan,” as he had no liking to be dubbed “Old Duncan” while his offspring would answer to “Young Duncan.” And “Duncan,” as a name, had never greatly appealed to me. But it is plain now that I have been remiss in the matter. So hereafter we’ll have to make an effort to have our little Dinkie known as Elmer. It’s like bringing a new child into the family circle, a new child we’re not quite acquainted with. But these things, I suppose, have to be faced. So hereafter my laddie shall officially be known as “Elmer,” Elmer Duncan174McKail. And I have started the ball rolling by duly inscribing in his new books “Elmer D. McKail” and requesting Gershom to address his pupil as “Elmer.”
I’ve been wondering, in the meantime, if Duncan is going to insist on a revision of all our ranch names, the names so tangled up with love and good-natured laughter and memories of the past. Take our horses alone: Tumble-weed and timeless Tithonus, Buntie and Briquette, Laughing-gas and Coco the Third, Mudski and Tarzanette. I’d hate now to lose those names. They are the register of our friendly love for our animals.
It begins to creep through this thick head of mine that my husband no longer nurses any real love for either these animals or prairie life. And if that is the case, he will never get anything out of prairie living. It will be useless for him even to try. So I may as well do what I can to reconcile myself to the inevitable. I am not without my moments of revolt. But in those moods when I feel a bit uppish I remember about my recent venture into astronomy. What’s the use of worrying, anyway? There was one ice age, and there is going to be another ice age. I tell myself that my troubles are pretty trivial, after all, since I’m only one of many millions on this earth and175since this earth is only one of many millions of other earths which will swing about their suns billions and billions of years after I and my children and my children’s children are withered into dust.
It rather takes my breath away, at times, and I shy away from it the same as Pauline Augusta shies away from the sight of blood. It reminds me of Chaddie’s New York lady with whom the Bishop ventured to discuss ultimate destinies. “Yes, I suppose I shall enter into eternal bliss,” responded this fair lady, “but would you mind not discussing such disagreeable subjects at tea-time?”
Speaking of disagreeable subjects, we seem to have a new little trouble-maker here at Casa Grande. It’s in the form of a brindle pup called Minty, which Dinkie—I mean, of course, which Elmer, acquired in exchange for a jack-knife and what was left of hisSwiss Family Robinson. But Minty has not been well treated by the world, and was brought home with a broken leg. So Whinnie and I made splints out of an old cigar-box cover, and padded the fracture with cotton wool and bound it up with tape. Minty, in the moderated spirits of invalidism, was a meek and well behaved pup during the first few days after his arrival, sleeping quietly at the foot of Elmer’s bed176and stumping around after his new master like a war veteran awaiting his discharge. But now that Minty’s leg is getting better and he finds himself in a world that flows with warm milk and much petting, he betrays a tendency to use any odd article of wearing apparel as a teething-ring. He has completely ruined one of my bedroom slippers and done Mexican-drawn-work on the ends of the two living-room window-curtains. But what is much more ominous, Minty yesterday got hold of Dinky-Dunk’s Stetson and made one side of its rim look as though it had been put through a meat-chopper. So my lord and master has been making inquiries about Minty and Minty’s right of possession. And the order has gone forth that hereafter no canines are to sleep in this house. It impresses me as a trifle unreasonable, all things considered, and Elmer, with a rather unsteady underlip, has asked me if Minty must be taken away from him. But I have no intention of countermanding Duncan’s order. The crust over the volcano is quite thin enough, as it is. And whatever happens, I am resolved to be a meek and dutiful wife. But I’ve had a talk with Whinnie and he’s going to fix up a comfortable box behind the stove in the bunk-house, and there the exiled Minty will soon learn to repose177in peace. It’s marvelous, though, how that little three-legged animal loves my Dinkie, loves my Elmer, I should say. He licks my laddie’s shoes and yelps with joy at the smell of his pillow ... Poor little abundant-hearted mite, overflowing with love! But life, I suppose, will see to it that he is brought to reason. We must learn not to be too happy on this earth. And we must learn that love isn’t always given all it asks for.
178Thursday the Seventeenth
The crust over the volcano has shown itself to be even thinner than I imagined. The lava-shell gave way, under our very feet, and I’ve had a glimpse of the molten fury that can flow about us without our knowing it. And like so many of life’s tragic moments, it began out of something that is almost ridiculous in its triviality.
Night before last, when Struthers was rather late in setting her bread, she heard Minty scratching and whimpering at the back door, and without giving much thought to what she was doing, let him into the house. Minty, of course, went scampering up to Dinkie’s bed, where he slept secretly and joyously until morning. And all might have been well, even at this, had not Minty’s return to his kingdom gone to his head. To find some fitting way of expressing his joy must have taxed that brindle pup’s ingenuity, for, before any of us were up, he descended to the living-room, where he delightedly and diligently proceeded to remove the upholstery from the old Chesterfield.179By the time I came on the scene, at any rate, there was nothing but a grisly skeleton of the Chesterfield left. Now, that particular piece of furniture had known hard use, and there were places where the mohair had been worn through, and I’d even discussed the expediency of having the thing done over. But I knew that Minty’s efforts to hasten this movement would not meet with approval. So I discreetly decided to have Whinnie and Struthers remove the tell-tale skeleton to the bunk-house. Before that transfer could be effected, however, the Dour Man invaded the living-room and stood with a cold and accusatory eye inspecting that monument of destructiveness.
“Where’s Elmer?” he demanded, with a grim look which started by heart pounding.
“Elmer’s dressing,” I said as quietly as I could. “Do you want him?”
“I do,” announced my husband, whiter in the face than I had seen him for many a day.
“What for?” I asked.
“I think you know what for,” he said, meeting my eye.
“I’m not sure that I do,” I found the courage to retort. “But I’d prefer being certain.”180
Duncan, instead of answering me, went to the foot of the stairs and called his son. Then he strode out of the room and out of the house. Struthers, in the meantime, circumspectly took possession of Minty, who was still indecorously shaking a bit of mohair between his jocund young teeth. She and Minty vanished from the scene. A moment later, however, Duncan walked back into the room. He had a riding-quirt in his hand.
“Where’s that boy?” he demanded.
I went out to the foot of the stairs, where I met Elmer coming down, buttoning his waist as he came. For just a moment his eye met mine. It was a questioning eye, but not a cowardly one. I had intended to speak to him, but my voice, for some reason, didn’t respond to my will. So I merely took the boy’s hand and led him into the living-room. There his father stood confronting him.
“Did that pup sleep on your bed last night?” demanded the man with the quirt.
“Yes,” said the child, after a moment of silence.
“Did you hear me say that no dog was to sleep in this house?” demanded the child’s father.
“Yes,” said Elmer, with his own face as white as his father’s.181
“Then I think that’s about enough,” asserted Duncan, turning a challenging eye in my direction.
“What are you going to do?” I asked. My voice was shaking, in spite of myself.
“I’m going to whale that youngster within an inch of his life,” said the master of the house, with a deadly sort of intentness.
“I don’t want you to do that,” I quavered, wondering why my words, even as I uttered them, should seem so inadequate.
“Of course you don’t,” mocked my husband. “But this is the limit. And what you want isn’t going to count!”
“I don’t want you to do that,” I repeated. Something in my voice, I suppose, must have arrested him, for he stood there, staring at me, with a little knot coming and going on one side of his skull, just in front of his upper ear-tip.
“And why not?” he asked, still with that hateful rough ironic note in his voice.
“Because you don’t know what you’re punishing this child for,” I told him with all the quietness I could command. “And because you’re in no fit condition to do it.”
“You needn’t worry about my condition,” he cried182out—and I could see by the way he said it that he was still blind with rage. “Come here, you!” he called to Dinkie.
It was then that the fatal little bell clanged somewhere at the back of my head, the bell that rings down the curtain on all the slowly accumulated civilization the centuries may have brought to us. I not only faced my husband with a snort of scorn, but I tightened my grip on the child’s hand. I tightened my grip on his hand and backed slowly and deliberately away until I came to the door of my sewing-room. Then, still facing my husband, I opened that door and said: “Go inside, Dinkie.” I could not see the boy, but I knew that he had done as I told him. So I promptly slammed the door shut and stood there facing the gray-lipped man with the riding-quirt in his hand. He took two slow steps toward me. His chin was thrust out in a way that made me think of a fighting-cock’s beak. He had not shaved that morning, and his squared jaw looked stubbled and blue and ugly.
“You can’t pull that petticoat stuff this time,” he said in a hard and throaty tone which I had never heard from him before. “Get out of my way!”
“You will not beat that child!” And I myself183couldn’t have made a very pretty picture as I flung that challenge up in his teeth.
“Get out of my way,” he repeated. He did not shout it. He said it almost quietly. But I knew, even before he reached out a shaking hand to thrust me aside, that he was in deadly earnest, that nothing I could say would hold him back or turn him aside. And it was then that my eye fell on the big Colt in its stained leather holster, hanging up high over one corner of the book-cabinet, where it had been put beyond the reach of the children.
I have no memory of giving any thought to the matter. My reaction must have been both immediate and automatic. I don’t think I even intended to bunt my husband in the short-ribs the way I did, for the impact of my body half twisted him about and sent him staggering back several steps. All I know is that holster and belt came tumbling down as I sprang and caught at the Colt handle. And I was back at the door before I had even shaken the revolver free. I was back just in time to hear my husband say, rather foolishly, for the third time: “Get out of my way!”
“You stay back there!” I called, quite as foolishly, for by this time I had the Colt balanced in my hand and was pointing it directly at his body.184
He stopped short, with a vacuous look in his eyes.
“You fool!” he said, in a sort of strangled whisper. But it was my face, and not the weapon, that he was staring at all the while.
“Stay back!” I said again, with my eyes fixed on his.
He hesitated, for a moment, and made a sound that was like the short bark of a laugh. It was too hard and horrible, though, ever to be taken for laughter. And I knew that he was not going to do what I had said.
“Stay back!” I warned him still again. But he stepped forward, with a grim sort of deliberation, with his challenging gaze locked on mine. I could hear a thousand warning voices, somewhere at the back of my brain, and at the same time I could hear a thousand singing devils in my blood trying to drown out those voices. I could see my husband’s narrowed eyes slowly widen, slowly open like the gills of a dying fish, for the hate that he must have seen on my face obviously arrested him. It arrested him, but it arrested him only for a moment. He dropped his eyes to the Colt in my hand. Then he moved deliberately forward until his body was almost against the barrel-end. I must have known what it185meant, just as he must have known what it meant. It was his final challenge. And I must have met that challenge. For, without quite knowing it, I shut my eyes and pulled the trigger.
There had been something awful, I know, in that momentary silence. And there was something awful in the sound that came after it, though it was not the sound my subconscious mind was waiting for. It was distinct enough and significant enough, heaven knows. But instead of the explosion of a shell it was the sharp snap of steel against steel.
The revolver was empty. It was empty-had been empty for weeks. But the significant fact remained that I had deliberately pulled the trigger. I had stood ready, in my moment of madness, to kill the man that I lived with....
Had a ball of lead gone through that man’s body, I don’t think he could have staggered back with a more startled expression on his face. He looked more than bewildered; he looked vaguely humiliated, oddly and wordlessly affronted, as he stood leaning against the table-edge, breathing hard, his skin a mottled blue-white to the very lips. He made an effort to speak, but no sound came from him. For a moment the dreadful thought raced through me that186I had indeed shot him, that in some mysterious way he was mortally hurt, without this particular bullet announcing itself as bullets usually do. I looked at the revolver, stupidly. It seemed to have grown heavy, as heavy as a cook-stove in my hand.
“You’d do that?” whispered my husband, very slowly, with a stricken light in his eyes which I couldn’t quite understand. I intended to put the Colt on the table. But something must have been wrong with my vision, for the loathsome thing fell loathsomely to the floor. I felt sick and shaken and a horrible misty feeling of homelessness settled down about me, of a sudden, for I remembered how closely I had skirted the black gulf of murder.
“Oh, Dinky-Dunk!” I blubbered, weakly, as I groped toward him. He must have thought that I was going to fall, for he put out his arm and held me up. He held me up, but there wasn’t an atom of warmth in his embrace. He held me up about the same as he’d hold up an open wheat-sack that threatened to tumble over on his granary floor. I don’t know what reaction it was that took my strength away from me, but I clung to his shoulders and sobbed there. I felt as alone in the gray wastes of time as one of Gershom’s lost stars. And I knew that187my Dinky-Dunk would never bend down now and whisper into my ear any word of comfort, any word of forgiveness. For, however things may have been at the first, I was the one who was now so hopelessly in the wrong,Iwas the big offender. And that knowledge only added to my misery as I stood there clinging to my husband’s shoulders and blubbering “Oh, Dinky-Dunk!”
It must have grown distasteful to him, my foolish hanging on to him as though he were a hitching-post, for he finally said in a remote voice: “I guess we’ve had about enough of this.” He led me rather ceremoniously to a chair, and slowly let me down in it. Then he crossed over to the old leather holster and picked it up, and stooped for the revolver, and pushed it down in the holster and buckled the cover-flap and tossed the whole thing up to the top of the book-cabinet again. Then, without speaking to me, he walked slowly out of the room.
I was tempted to call him back, but I knew, on second thought, that it would be no use. I merely sat there, staring ahead of me. Then I shut my eyes and tried to think. I don’t know why, but I was thinking about the bigness of Betelgeuse, which was twenty-seven million times as big as our sun and188which was going on through its millions of miles of space without knowing anything about Chaddie McKail and what had happened to her that morning. I was wondering if there were worlds between me and Betelgeuse with women on them, with women as alone as I was, when I felt a pair of small arms tighten about my knees and an adoring small voice whispered “Mummsy!” And I forgot about Betelgeuse. For it was my Dinkie there, with his little rough hand reaching hungrily for mine....
Minty has been removed from Casa Grande. I took him over to the Teetzel ranch in the car, and young Dode Teetzel is to get a dollar a week for looking after him and feeding him. Only Elmer and I know of his whereabouts. And once a week the boy can canter over on Buntie and keep in touch with his pup.
We have a tacit understanding that the occurrences of yesterday morning are a closed chapter, are not to be referred to by word or deed. Duncan himself found it necessary to team in to Buckhorn and left word with Struthers that he would stay in town over night. The call for the Buckhorn trip was, of course, a polite fabrication, an expedientpax in belloto permit the dust of battle to settle a little about189this troubled house of McKail. All day to-day I have felt rather languid. I suppose it’s the lethargy which naturally follows after all violence. Any respectable woman, I used to think, could keep a dead-line in her soul, beyond which the impulses of evil dare not venture. But I must have been wrong.... All week I’ve been looking for a letter from Peter Ketley. But for once in his life he seems to have forgotten us.
190Sunday the Twentieth
I’ve been wondering to-day just what I’d do if I had to earn my own living. I could run a ranch, I suppose, if I still had one, but two or three years of such work would see me a hatchet-faced old termagant with fallen arches and a prairie-squint. Or I could raise chickens and peddle dated eggs in a flivver-and fresco hen-coops with whitewash until the trap-nest of time swallowed me up in oblivion. Or I could take a rural school somewhere and teach the three R’s to little Slovenes and Frisians and French-Canadians even more urgently in need of soap and water. Or perhaps I could be housekeeper for one of our new beef-kings in his new Queen-Anne Norman-Georgian Venetian palace of Alberta sandstone with tesselated towers and bungalow sleeping-porches. Or I might even peddle magazines, or start a little bakery in one of the little board-fronted shops of Buckhorn, or take in plain sewing and dispose of home-made preserves to the élite of the community.191
But each and all of them would be mere gestures of defeat. I’m of no value to the world. There was a time when I regarded myself as quite a Somebody, and prided myself on having an idea or two. Didn’t Percy even once denominate me as “a window-dresser”? There was a time when I didn’t have to wait to see if the pearl-handled knife was the one intended for the fish-course, and I could walk across a waxed floor without breaking my neck and do a bit of shopping in the Rue de la Paix without being taken for a tourist. But that was a long, long time ago. And life during the last few years has both humbled me and taught me my limitations. I’m a house-wife, now, and nothing more—and not even a successful house-wife. I’ve let everything fall away except the thought of my home and my family. And now I find that the basket into which I so carefully packed all my eggs hasn’t even a bottom to it.
But I’ve no intention of repining. Heaven knows I’ve never wanted to sit on the Mourner’s Bench. I’ve never tried to pull a sour mug, as Dinky-Dunk once inelegantly expressed it. I love life and the joy of life, and I want all of it I can get. I believe in laughter, and I’ve a weakness for men and women who can sing as they work. But I’ve blundered into a192black frost, and even though there was something to sing about, there’s scarcely a blue-bird left to do the singing. But sometime, somewhere, there’ll be an end to that silence. The blight will pass, and I’ll break out again. I know it. I don’t intend to be held down. Ican’tbe held down. I haven’t the remotest idea of how it’s going to happen, but I’m going to love life again, and be happy, and carol out like a meadow-lark on a blue and breezy April morning. It may not come to-morrow, and it may not come the next day. But it’s going to come. And knowing it’s going to come, I can afford to sit tight, and abide my time....
I’ve just had a letter from Uncle Chandler, enclosing snap-shots of the place he’s bought in New Jersey. It looks very palatial and settled and Old-Worldish, shaded and shadowed with trees and softened with herbage, dignified by the hand of time. It reminds me how many and many a long year will have to go by before our bald young prairie can be tamed and petted into a homeyness like that. Uncle Chandler has rather startled me by suggesting that we send Elmer through to him, to go to school in the East. He says the boy can attend Montclair Academy, that he can be taken there and called for every193day by faithful old Fisher, in the cabriolet, and that on Sunday he can be toted regularly to St. Luke’s Episcopal Church, and occasionally go into New York for some of the better concerts, and even have a governess of his own, if he’d care for it. And in case I should be worrying about his welfare Uncle Chandler would send me a weekly night-letter “describing the condition and the activities of the child,” as the letter expresses it. It sounds very appealing, but every time I try to think it over my heart goes down like a dab-chick. My Dinkie is such a little fellow. And he’s my first-born, my man-child, and he means so much in my life. Yet he and his father are not getting along very well together. It would be better, in many respects, if the boy could get away for a while, until the raw edges healed over again. It would be better for both of them. But there’s one thing that would happen: he would grow away from his mother. He’d come back to me a stranger. He’d come back a little ashamed of his shabby prairie mater, with her ten-years-old style of hair-dressing and her moss-grown ideas of things and her bald-looking prairie home with no repose and no dignifying background and neither a private gym nor a butler to wheel in the cinnamon-toast. He’d be having194all those things, under Uncle Chandler’s roof: he’d get used to them and he’d expect them.
But there’s one thing he wouldn’t and couldn’t have. He wouldn’t have his mother. And no one can take a mother’s place, with a boy like that. No one could understand him, and make allowances for him, and explain things to him, as his own mother could. I’ve been thinking about that, all afternoon as I ironed his waists and his blue flannellet pajamas with frogs on like his dad’s. And I’ve been thinking of it all evening as I patched his brown corduroy knickers and darned his little stockings and balled them up in a neat little row. I tried to picture myself as packing them away in a trunk, and putting in beside them all the clothes he would need, and the books that he could never get along without, and the childish little treasures he’d have to carry away to his new home. But it was too much for me. There was one thing, I began to see, which could never, never happen. I could never willingly be parted from my Dinkie. I could think of nothing to pay me up for losing him. And he needed me as I needed him. For good or bad, we’d have to stick together. Mother and son, together in some way we’d have to sink or swim!
195Wednesday the Thirtieth
The tension has been relieved by Dinky-Dunk going off to Calgary. Along with him he has taken a rather formidable amount of his personal belongings. But he explains this by stating that business will keep him in the city for at least six or seven weeks. He has been talking a good deal about the Barcona coal-mine of late, and the last night he was with us he talked to Gershom for an hour and more about the advantages of those newer mines over the Drumheller. The newer field has a solid slate roof which makes drifting safe and easy, a finer type of coal, and a chance for big money once the railway runs in its spur and the officials wake up to the importance of giving them the cars they need. The whole country, Dinky-Dunk claims, is underlaid with coal, and our province alone is estimated to contain almost seventeen per cent. of the world’s known supply. And my lord and master expressed the intention of being in on the clean-up.
I don’t know how much of this was intended for196my ears. But it served to disquiet me, for reasons I couldn’t quite discern. And the same vague depression crept over me when Dinky-Dunk took his departure. I kept up my air of blitheness, it is true, to the last moment, and was as casual as you please in helping Duncan to pack and reminding him to put his shaving-things in his bag and making sure the last button was on his pajamas. I kissed him good-by, as a dutiful wife ought, and held Pauline Augusta up in the doorway so that she might attempt a last-minute hand-waving at her daddy.
But I slumped, once it was all over. I felt mysteriously alone in an indifferent big world with the rime of winter creeping along its edges. Even Gershom, after the children had had their lesson, became conscious of my preoccupation and went so far as to ask if I wasn’t feeling well.
I smilingly assured him that there was nothing much wrong with me.
“Lerne zu leiden ohne zu klagen!” as the dying Frederick said to a singularly foolish son.
“But you’re upset?” persisted Gershom, with his valorous brand of timidity that so often reminds me of a robin defending her eggs.
“No, it’s not that,” I said with a shake of the head.197“It’s only that I’m—I’m a trifle too chilly to be comfortable.”
And the foolish youth, at that, straightway fell to stoking the fire. I had to laugh a little. And that made him study me with solemn eyes.
“Just think, Gershom,” I said as I gathered up my sewing, “my heart is perishing of cold in a province which is estimated to contain almost seventeen per cent. of the world’s known coal supply!”
And that, apparently, left him with something to think about as I made my way off to bed ... It’s hard to write coherently, I find, when you’re not living coherently ...
Syd Woodward, of Buckhorn, having learned that I can drive a tractor, has asked me if I’ll take part in the plowing-match to-morrow. And I’ve given my promise to show Mere Man what a woman can do in the matter of turning a mile-long furrow. I feel rather audacious over it all. And I’m glad to inject a little excitement into life ... I’m saving up for a new sewing-machine ... Tarzanette has got rather badly cut up in some of our barb-wire fencing.
198Friday the Fifteenth
The plowing-match was good fun, and I enjoyed it even more than I had expected. The men “kidded” me a good deal, and gave me a cheer at the end (I don’t quite know whether it was for my work or my costume) and I had to pose for photographs, and a moving-picture man even followed me about for a round, shooting me as I turned my prairie stubble upside down. But the excitement of the plowing-match has been eclipsed by a bit of news which has rather taken my breath away.It is Peter Ketley who has bought the Harris Ranch.
199Saturday the Twenty-Third
The rains have brought mushrooms, slathers of mushrooms, and I joy in gathering them.
Yesterday afternoon I rode past the Harris Ranch. The old place brought back a confusion of memories. But I was most disturbed by the signs of building going on there. It seems to mean a new shack on Alabama Ranch. And a new shack of very considerable dimensions. I’ve been wondering what this implies. I don’t know whether to be elated or depressed. And what business is it, after all, of mine?
My Dinkie—I have altogether given up trying to call my Dinkie anything but Dinkie—came home two evenings ago with a discolored eye and a distinct air of silence. Gershom, too, seemed equally reticent. So I set about discreetly third-degreeing Poppsy, who finally acknowledged, with awe in her voice, that Dinkie had been in a fight.
It was, according to my petticoated Herodotus, a truly terrible fight. Noses got bloodied, and no one200could make the fighters stop. But Dinkie was unquestionably the conqueror. Yet, oddly enough, I am informed that he cried all through the combat. He was a crying fighter. And he had his fight with Climmie O’Lone—trust the Irish to look for trouble!—who seems to have been accepted as the ring-master of his younger clan. Their differences arose out of the accusation that Dinkie, my bashful little Dinkie, had been forcing his unwelcomed attention on one Doreen O’Lone, Climmie’s younger sister. That’s absurd, of course. And Dinkie must have realized it. He didn’t want to fight, acknowledged Poppsy, from the first. He even cried over it. And Doreen also cried. And Poppsy herself joined in.
I fancy it was a truly Homeric struggle, for it seems to have lasted for round after round. It lasted, I have been able to gather, until Climmie was worsted and down on his back crying “Enough!” Which Poppsy reports Dinkie made him say three times, until Doreen nodded and said she’d heard. But my young son, apparently, is one of those crying fighters, who are reckoned, if I remember right, as the worst breed of belligerents!
I have decided not to tell Dinkie what I know. But I’m rather anxious to get a glimpse of this young201Mistress Doreen, for whom lances are already being shattered in the lists of youth. The O’Lones regard themselves as the landed aristocracy of the Elk-trail District. And Doreen O’Lone impresses me as a very musical appellative. Yet I prefer to keep my kin free from all entangling alliances, even though they have to do with a cattle-king’s offspring....
I had a short letter from Dinky-Dunk to-day, asking me to send on a package of papers which he had left in a pigeon-hole of his desk here. It was a depressingly non-committal little note, without a glimmer of warmth between the lines. I’m afraid there’s a certain ugly truth which will have to be faced some day. But I intend to stick to the ship as long as the ship can keep afloat. I am so essentially a family woman that I can’t conceive of life without its home circle. Home, however, is where the heart is. And it seems to take more than one heart to keep it going. I keep reminding myself that I have my children at the same time that I keep asking myself why my children are not enough, why they can’t seem to fill my cup of contentment as they ought. Now that their father is so much away, a great deal of their training is falling on my shoulders. And I must, in some way, be a model to them. So202I’ll continue to show them what a Penelope I can be. Perhaps, after all, they will prove our salvation. For our offspring ought to be the snow-fences along the wind-harried rails of matrimony. They should prevent drifting along the line, and from terminal to lonely terminal should keep traffic open ... I have to-night induced Poppsy to write a long and affectionate letter to herpater, telling him all the news of Casa Grande. Perhaps it will awaken a little pang in the breast of her absent parent.