Educational Efforts.—Squire Longbow's "Notis."—"The Saterday Nite."—Ike and the Squire.—Various Remarks to the Point.—Mrs. Fizzle and the Temperance Question.—Collection taken.—General Result.
Educational Efforts.—Squire Longbow's "Notis."—"The Saterday Nite."—Ike and the Squire.—Various Remarks to the Point.—Mrs. Fizzle and the Temperance Question.—Collection taken.—General Result.
There has been much written in the world about the benefits of education. I am very sure that its importance was not overlooked in Puddleford. I cannot say that the village has ever produced giants in literature, but it has produced great men, comparatively speaking and judging, and very great if we take the opinion of the Puddlefordians themselves. Somebody once said that "in the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed are monarchs," and I suppose it was upon this principle, if we give the maxim a literal construction, that Squire Longbow, who had lost an eye, as the reader may recollect, had become elevated to such a pitch among his neighbors.
Education, in almost every western community, stands at about a certain level among the masses. That level changes with changing generations, but very seldom among individuals of the same. I ought perhaps to exclude the Squire, who was an exception to all general rules, and would have undoubtedly distinguished himself anywhere and under any circumstances. The children of the pioneer, or a portion of them, receive educationaladvantages, which had been denied the father, and their children still greater, until at last the polished statue rises out of the marble in the quarry.
But there were efforts making at Puddleford, about the time I allude to, to increase the common stock of knowledge, and keep up the general reputation of Puddleford with that of the world, which ought not to pass unnoticed.
One day in November, I discovered the following notice posted up in the streets, and nailed to several trees adjacent to the highways in the country:—
"NOTIS"To all it may konsarn—men, wimmin, and their children. Whareas, edication, and knowlidg of all sorts, is very likely to run down in all knew countrys, owin to a great manny reasons that aint propper to go into this ere notis—and whareas many of the habitants of Puddleford and the circumjacint country all round bout it, are in danger of suffering that way—And whareas a few of us leading men have thot on the matter, and concluded that sumthing must very soon be did, or til be too late—therefore a meeting will be held at the log-chapel next Saterday nite, to raise up the karacter of the people in this respect.(Signed.)'Squire LongbowAnd others.'"
"NOTIS
"To all it may konsarn—men, wimmin, and their children. Whareas, edication, and knowlidg of all sorts, is very likely to run down in all knew countrys, owin to a great manny reasons that aint propper to go into this ere notis—and whareas many of the habitants of Puddleford and the circumjacint country all round bout it, are in danger of suffering that way—And whareas a few of us leading men have thot on the matter, and concluded that sumthing must very soon be did, or til be too late—therefore a meeting will be held at the log-chapel next Saterday nite, to raise up the karacter of the people in this respect.
(Signed.)'Squire LongbowAnd others.'"
On the "Saterday nite," mentioned in the above "notis," I attended at the log-chapel, for the purpose of raising up the "karacter of the people." The gatheringwas large—made up of men and women, and quite a number were in from the country. Squire Longbow, the "Colonel," "Stub Bulliphant" the landlord of the Eagle, Ike Turtle the pettifogger, Sile Bates his opponent, Charity Beadle, Philista Filkins, "Aunt Graves," "Sister Abigail," Sonora Brown, and a large number of others, made up the meeting. It was very evident that somethingwouldbe done. Pretty soon Ike Turtle rose, gave a loud rap with his fist on the side of the house, and said it was "high time this ere body came to order, and he would nominate Squire Longbow for President."
"You've heerd the nomination," continued the Squire, rising slowly from his seat in another part of the house. "You who are in my favor say Ay!"
"Ay!" exclaimed the house.
"Clear vote—no use in putting the noes;" and Squire Longbow took his stand in the pulpit, and proceeded:—
"Feller-citizens, ladies and gentlemen, all on you who are here, just keep still while I thank you. We have cum up here on a pretty big business—neither more nor less than edication. P'raps you don't all on you know that edication makes everybody and everything—it made our forefathers, it made some of us, and is a going to make our children, ifwedoourduty. You have made me President on this occasion, and it is my duty to thank you, and feller-citizens, you don't, you can't, no mancantell how I feel when—"
Here Ike Turtle rose. "Squire Longbow," said Ike, "arn't it rather on-parliamentary to be speaking when you hain't got no secretary to take things down?"
The Squire was thunderstruck. "No secretary!" he exclaimed, "no secretary! all void! but I'll appoint SileBates secretarytunk pro nunck(nunc pro tunc), as we say in law, and that'll save proceedings—and as I was saying," continued the Squire, "no man can tell how I feel, pressed down as I am with the responsibility that you have thrown on to me." The Squire then took his seat.
Ike Turtle rose again to state the object of the meeting. He said "he was an old residenter, and he had in fact grown up with the country. He had seed everything go ahead except edication. Taking out the President, members of the larned professions, the school-master, and the man who tended Clewes' grocery, there warn't hardly a person of edication left. Now," continued Ike, warming up, "this shouldn't orter be—we should all set about detarmined to do something ('Amen!' groaned Father Beals.) Why, if it looks dark, feller-citizens, remember the dark days of the revolution, when the soldiers went roaming about, with a piece of corn-bread in one hand, nothing in t'other, with ragged uniforms on, and little or no breeches, yet all the while busting with patriotism. Jest turn your eyes backwards on to them times, and you'll think you're in paradise. Something's got to be did for edication. We've got to have a Lyceum, a library, and lecters on all the subjects of the day. (Here 'Aunt Graves' gave a groan, as she expected all this would be accomplished by taxation.) Don't groan over yender," exclaimed Ike, "'taint right to groan at a new thing just a-starting—might as well groan down a child for fear he wouldn't be a man. Yes, they must be had—I say they must! or we'll all run to seed, and die. Why, Christopher Columbus, men and women, how many on you don't know your right hand from your left, scientifically speaking, and byme-by weshall go to ruin as old Nineveh did. Mr. President, I move that a collection be taken for the gineral purposes of this meeting."
I was a little puzzled to determine whether Ike was serious or not. With all his eccentricities, he was a good citizen, and always put his shoulder to the public wheel. When he made his motion to take up a collection, a dead calm fell upon the audience. After a few moments, Sile Bates rose, and said,—
He "hoped this 'spectable meeting warn't going to Peter-out."
The calm continued. Squire Longbow stepped forward from his seat in the pulpit, and remarked that "he couldn't see what difference it would make a thousand years hence whether they did anything, or whether they didn't."
A man from the country "didn't know what money had to do with edication."
The Colonel said his pockets were "as dry as a powder-house."
One old lady thought "somebody'd have to sign for her 'fore spring."
Aunt Graves thought that "poor folks, who lived on bil'd vittels, hadn't orter be called on."
The hat was, however, passed around, and three dollars and seventy-five cents raised, "for the gineral purposes of the meeting," according to Ike's motion; and I will say here that this amount was appropriated towards the purchase of books for the Puddleford library, which was established at this meeting, and which has now grown into usefulness and importance.
The hat was reached up to the secretary, who gave ita couple of shakes, declaring at the same time, that he was "happy to say that the public spirit of Puddleford hadn't gin out yet."
Squire Longbow then rose and said, that "some plan must be laid to get up a set of lecters. There were three great sciences, law, preaching, and physic—law consarned property, physic consarned the body, and preaching consarned the soul. These sciences must be scattered, so everybody could enjoy 'em. He could talk on law himself, and Bigelow could on preaching, and physic was understood, any way. There were other subjects which would come up in their order. There was paintin', and poetry, and music—but them warn't of no account in a new country where money was skase. Politics was one of the uncertain sciences, and it didn't do much good to speak on't, any how. A feller might study and study, and just likely as not the next election would blow him into fiddle-strings. Yet politics had got to be had, 'cause that was what kept the country alive, and made liberty grow. Old Gineral Washington himself had a little on't. He said 'twas one etarnal job to start edication, but jist get the thing a-goin once, and it'll move off like ile—it'll run rite off like a steam injin."
Ike said "he know'd a curtain lecter or two might be had," looking round at Stub Bulliphant. "They warn't the worst kind nother. They'd bring a man all up standin', when nothin' else would. He'd seen a fellow cave right in under one on 'em, and come out as cow'd as a whipt spaniel. About lecterin' on politics, he didn't know. He guessed the bushes were a little too thick to talk on that, yet. He hoped the meetin' would speak right out, and 'spress their feelin's, wimmin and all."
Old Mrs. Fizzle had been watching the movement of this august body for some time, and had thought, several times, that it was her duty to speak. When Ike, therefore, invited "women and all," she concluded to try it. She was a tall, weasel-faced looking person, and belonged to Bigelow's church. She was an out-and-out temperance woman, and had kept all Puddleford hot by her efforts to put down the sale of intoxicating drinks. She was a fiery, nervous, active, good sort of a woman. Mrs. Fizzle rose. She said "she thought she would give this meetin' a piece of her mind, consarnin' things in general. She didn't know but the meetin' was well enough—she liked meetins—she said she didn't care nothin' about politics, never did her any good as she know'd on—she didn't want to hear any lecters any way 'bout that. If some on 'em would talk 'bout temperance, she'd turn out, and give a little something to help the cause along. She said if she really thought that this meetin' could stop Clewes from selling licker, she'd tend it reg'lar."
"Certainly, ma'am," said Ike, rising, and turning his eyes towards Mrs. Fizzle. "We'll put ahabus corpus on to him 'fore breakfast to-morrow morning."
Mrs. Fizzle said, "she didn't know what that was, and she didn't care much, if 'twould only hold him tight."
Ike said "it would hold him—couldn't break it no how—it was made by the law to catch just such chaps with."
"Wal," said Mrs. Fizzle, "if the law made it, I'm 'fraid on't. I've hearn tell how folks creep through holes the law leaves. I don't like your scorpus, as you call it."
Squire Longbow rose. "He felt it his duty to say, that a writ of habus scorpus would hold anything on airth. It was one of the biggest writs in all nater. He could hold all Clewes' grocery with one on 'em. He felt it his duty further to say this as a magistrate, who was bound by his oath to take care of the law."
Mrs. Fizzle "thought that would do. She had great 'spect for the Squire's opinion—and she now thought she'd go in for the meetin'."
Sile Bates said, "for his part, he thought the meetin' was getting a good deal mixed. 'Every tub orter stand on its own bottom,' as the Apostle Paul, Shakspeare, John Bunyan, or some other person said. We can't do everything all at onst; if we try, we can't make the Millennium come until 'tis time for't. We can kinder straighten up matters—hold onto the public morals a little more—and give edication a punch ahead. But who knows anything about the sciences in Puddleford? and who can lecter? 'When the blind lead the blind,' as the newspapers say, 'they all go head over heels into the ditch.' Great Cæsar Augustus, Mr. President, jist think of a lecter on 'stronomy, thatetarnalscience, which no man can lay his hands on, which the human intellect gets at by figuring. Just think of Bigelow Van Slyck, Ike Turtle, oryou, Mr. President, measuring the distance to the stars. Don't it make your head swim, to think on't? He wouldn't say that the Squire couldn't lay down the law for the people, 'cause he made most on't, and ought to know it by heart. (The Squire gave a loud cough, and straightened himself in his seat.) As for licker, he alwayswasagin it, that is, he never touch'd it except in haying, harvesting, husking, and occasionally,a little along, between, when he didn't feel right. He s'posed he was a strict temperance man—was secretary of a teetotal society once, but it died out for want of funds to keep up lights and fires. He hop'd this meetin' wouldn't get so much on its shoulders, as to break down 'fore it got started."
There were several more speeches and suggestions made. There were two or three on the floor at once, several times, during the progress of business. Order was out of the question. A course of lectures was finally decided upon, and the meeting adjourned. The reader will not forget that the end had in view by this rough, deliberate body was noble; and, in their own way, they moved along steadily towards it. Such a people do not forget their duty, however ludicrously the discharge of it may be at first.
Looking back from the present, over a period of ten years, at the proceedings of this meeting and its results, I feel quite disposed to write down Squire Longbow, Ike Turtle, and Sile Bates, among the philanthropists of the age.
Social War.—Longbow, Turtle & Co.—Bird, Swipes, Beagle & Co.—Mrs. Bird.—Mrs. Beagle.—Mrs. Swipes—Turkey and Aristocracy.—Scandal.—Husking-bees, and "such like."—The Calathumpian Band.—The Horse-fiddle.—The Giant Trombone.—The Gyastacutas.—Tuning up.—Unparalleled Effort.—Puddleford still a representative Place.
Social War.—Longbow, Turtle & Co.—Bird, Swipes, Beagle & Co.—Mrs. Bird.—Mrs. Beagle.—Mrs. Swipes—Turkey and Aristocracy.—Scandal.—Husking-bees, and "such like."—The Calathumpian Band.—The Horse-fiddle.—The Giant Trombone.—The Gyastacutas.—Tuning up.—Unparalleled Effort.—Puddleford still a representative Place.
I have taken the liberty, in the preceding chapters, to speak freely of some of the leading characters of Puddleford. I have alluded to Longbow, Turtle, and Bigelow, not because they were the only people of the village, or the best; but because they were the rudder of society, and steered it along in the same way that ships are guided over stormy waters. Now, there were a great many more very excellent folks, who helped chink in and fill up around these more important personages, and make up an harmonious whole. Zeke Bird, the blacksmith, was one; Tom Beagle, the shoemaker, another; Lem Swipes, the tailor, still another. These men were among the first settlers of Puddleford, and had done as much towards its up-building as any other. They had immigrated from a place in Ohio, and consequently knew something about the world. All three families were cousins, or second cousins, to one another, and they acted in unison upon any public or social question.
They hated, with a supreme hatred, Longbow, Turtle& Co., because they were "aristocrats." Mrs. Bird, who was a very impulsive, peak-nosed sort of a woman, and who always wore a red flannel petticoat protruding beyond her dress, and her shoes slip-shod, used to often say, "that if there was anything she did despise it was a stick-up. She didn't believe old Mrs. Longbow, or any of her darters, were any better than common folks; and she'd see the whole pack on 'em pumpin' lightning at two cents a clap, before she'd skrouch to 'em!"
Mrs. Beagle was quite a different body. She was not so full of fire and fury as Mrs. Bird. She didn't allow her feelings to get the advantage of her malice. She moved more underground; yet she was always busy pecking away at that "up-street clique," as she called them.
Mrs. Beagle was a neat, tidy body, and wore an air of great sincerity about her face. She used to say that "nothing grieved herso muchas to be compelled to believe anything bad 'bout her neighbors," and that "she never spoke of nothing till it got all over, and there warn't no use of holding in any longer." She made it her business to watch the morals and religion of all the Longbows, and Turtleses, and Bateses, and report accordingly. She said "she didn't know but it was all right for a member of the Methodist church, like Miss Lavinia Turtle, to wear three bows to her bonnet on Sunday—she didn'tknow—she warn't going to say—'haps she hadn't orter say—but the wayshelooked at religion, 'twas as wicked as Cain—for herself, she made no pretensions, but when folks did, she wanted to see 'em lived up to." She said, "she meant to have Mrs. Bates turned out of the church for riding out on Sunday, for she'd seen her several times with her own eyes, sixmiles from town; but she wouldn't speak of it, if it warn't such a scandal on her profession;" besides, she had it from good authority, that "she water'd her milk 'fore she sold it, but she wouldn't say who told her, 'cause she promised not to."
Mrs. Swipes was a fat, blouzy-faced, coarse, ignorant woman, and revenged herself by firing bombshells into the aristocratic camp every opportunity she could get, and cared but little what she said, or whom she hit, if she could only keep the enemy stirred up. "She'd heard that Mrs. Longbow's father got into jail once down in Pennsylvania, and that the hull batch on 'em were as poor as Job's turkey; and that the old Squire himself had a pretty tight nip on't; but his friends bailed him out, and he lean'd for the west. As for Mrs. Bates, sheknewshe'd lie, right flat out—she'd catch'd her dozens of times; and, of course, Lavinia couldn't be any better—for as the old cock crows, the young one learns. She wouldn't swap characters with any on 'em, not she."
The husbands of these ladies thought just about as much of Longbow & Co. as their wives did. They were an indolent trio, and labored only enough to keep soul and body together. The rest of their time was devoted to the "Eagle tavern," street-lounging, and commentaries upon the daily developments of the aristocracy. Each one of the families of these cliques were social centres, around which others revolved, and drew all their light and heat. And then there were still other families, away down below the Birds and Beagles in the scale of respectability, who were ever warring uponthem, proving
"That fleas have other fleas to bite 'em,And so on,ad infinitum."
"That fleas have other fleas to bite 'em,And so on,ad infinitum."
I recollect attending a party, one evening during the winter, at Bird's, when the aristocracy took a regular broadside fire. It seemed that Longbow, some days previous, had a turkey on his table for dinner, which roused up all the wrath of his adversaries. Mrs. Bird said, "she really s'posed that he thought poor people couldn't have such things; but she'd let him know she'd lived on' turkeys before he ever know'd there was such a thing—and she had good sass with 'em too. Mrs. Longbow," she said, "cooked it for nothing in the world but to make her knuckle to her; but she'd never give in as long asshedrew the breath of life—that she wouldn't!"
Mrs. Sonora Brown said, "that warn't all—Longbow had bo't a bran new carpet for down-stairs, and used sales-molasses for common, eenamost every day—and the clark in Clewes' grocery had got a goin' arter Lavinny every night—and Mrs. Longbow had got mift at Mrs. Weazel, because Weazel said he wouldn't stand any more of Longbow's decisions—and they'd got a burning sperm ile in the house instead-er taller—and they were a puttin' on the drefulest sight of airs, old woman and all, that ever was seen."
Mrs. Beagle said "it was all true about the ile—she see'd it burn through the winder—and she'd seen a great many more things through the winder—but she warn't a going to tell what they were!"
Mrs. Sonora Brown threw up her hands in horror, and said, "she had always suspected it, but darsn't say so."
"O, shaw!" exclaimed Mrs. Beagle; "that's nothing to Bates' wife; she walks out arm-in-arm in broad daylight with her cousin that's been sneaking round there on a visit." She said, "Puddleford used to be a 'spectablevillage, but there warn't any morals any more since these high-flyers had got into it—and she guess'd Bates' wife was flaring out, and trading at the stores as much as Longbow."
Mr. Bird very grumly said, "he'd better hold in, for if he didn'thista little note he had again' him 'fore long, he'd sue him to judgment, andlevelan execution on everything he had, and clean him out."
A yellow-looking woman, who sat in the corner, and who had just before remarked that "she'd had the shakin' ager onto her all winter," wanted to know if "the newmarchant was going to jine the upper crust, or be one of our folks."
It was not long, however, before all were rattling away together, so that nothing but the emphatic words could be distinguished. Artillery, fire-arms, and all, were blazing. Such a scorching as the aristocracy received had hardly ever been equalled.
Longbow & Co. did not care for their enemies. They rather felt proud of the notice bestowed upon them. Ike Turtle used to say, "'twas fun to stand and take the fire of fools;" but Squire Longbow's dignity was so profound, that he never permitted himself to know that there was really any war going on.
Society in the country, among the farmers, was quite another thing. Puddleford villagehada country, and village pride looked down upon it, just as it does in larger places. The amusements and frolics of the country were more simple and hearty. In the winter, husking-bees, apple-parings, and house-warmings were held every week at some of the farm-houses. Great piles of corn were stacked up in barn, the girls and boys invitedin for miles around, long poles run through strung with lanterns, and the husking rushed through, 'mid songs and jokes. Then all hands adjourned to the house, and drank "hot stuff," ate nuts, and played games, and stormed around, until they started the very shingles on the roof; while the great fireplace, piled up with logs into the very throat of the chimney, shook its shadows around the room in defiance of the winds that roared without.
Now and then the country quality held a regular blow-out at Bulliphant's tavern. On these occasions, dancing commenced at two in the afternoon, and ended at daylight next morning. Dry goods and perfumery suffered about those days. The girls and boys dressed their hair with oil of cinnamon and wintergreen, and the Eagle smelt like an essence shop. It fairly overpowered the stench of Bulliphant's whiskey-bottles. Every one rigged out to within an inch of their lives. The girls wore ruffles on their pantalets frizzled down over their shoes, nearly concealing the whole foot; and all kinds and colors of ribbons streamed from their heads and waists. The "boys" mounted shirt-collars without regard to expense, and flaunted out their brass breast-pins, two or more to each, with several feet of watch-chain jingling in front. The landlord of the Eagle termed these gatherings his "winter harvest."
Another amusement, frequent in the country, was the turnout of the "Calathumpian Band." The band, I am aware, did not originate with Puddleford. Newly-married couples were serenaded before it ever had an existence there. Butthisband was one of the very finest specimens. No one knew exactly who its members were;but they were always on hand, soon after a wedding, in full uniform, with all their instruments in order. It was organized when the country was very new, and was, at the period I refer to, in the highest state of prosperity.
One of its instruments was called the "horse-fiddle;" another the "giant trombone;" another the "gyastacutas." The "horse-fiddle" was two enormous bows, made of hoops, heavily stringed and rosined, with a beef-bladder, fully inflated, pushed between the string and the bow. The "great trombone" was a dry goods box, turned bottom-side up, and was played upon with a scantling eight or ten feet long. The edge of the box and the scantling were rosined, and it was worked by two men sawing up and down. The "gyastacutas" was a nail keg, with a raw hide strained over it, like a drum-head, and inside of the keg, attached to the centre of this drum-head, a string hung, with which this instrument was worked by pulling in the string and "let fly."
Besides all these, the band were supplied with dinner horns, conch-shells, sleigh-bells, and sometimes guns and pistols.
It assembled, usually about eleven o'clock at night, around the quarters of the newly-married couple, and within a day or two after marriage. Its members were dressed up like an army of scare-crows. Some wore their shirts outside, some their coats and vests buttoned behind, and some were attired in female dress. Its leader marched and countermarched this strange medley, and announced and conducted all the music. The band never moved without orders—it was thoroughly disciplined.
The instruments were first put in tune. The trombone gave out a low and heavy growl—the "gyastacutas," a bung! the horse-fiddle sullenly replied—a chink-chink from a few pairs of bells, and a toot-e-toot from the horns and shells, showed the blast was near at hand.
And such a blast! The infernal regions could not equal it. It roared and echoed for miles around. It fairly tore out the inside of one's head. The cows bellowed and the dogs barked, honestly believing that the dissolution of all things was at hand. The whole surrounding population roused up, for no person pretended to sleep when the Great Calathumpian Band was assembled.
The reader must not suppose that this band was a mere congregation of boys. Not by any means; it was one of the institutions of the country—one of the public amusements of the day, and was patronized by young and old. Men had lived and died members of the Calathumpian Band, and are remembered in Puddleford for this, if nothing else.
It is said that the songs and the amusements of a people determine their character. If this be true, the reader can judge something of the country population about Puddleford from the little sketch I have given of them. The amusements of the villagers themselves were quite miscellaneous. The "aristocracy," as Bird & Co. termed them, gathered every night at the Eagle, where they played cards, checkers, backgammon, made bets, discussed the affairs of the nation and the private affairs of their neighbors, drank a little whiskey, and went home at eleven or twelve o'clock deeply impressed with their own importance. Bulliphant's bar-room was their centreof gravity, and it was a matter of deep concern, if any member of the club was not found in his accustomed place. Longbow, Turtle, and Bates had actually unseated several pairs of pantaloons on the landlord's chairs, which proved clearly enough thattheywere faithful members.
Important business was transacted by this club. It made all the justices of the peace, constables, school inspectors, &c., &c., and was a controlling clique, in all political matters, within the township.
The reader discerns that Puddleford, in most respects, was like other places. It had its divisions in society, its importance, its pomp and show, and relatively speaking, its aristocracy. It played through the same farce in a small way that larger places do on a more extended plan. Longbow felt just as omnipotent, walking up and down the streets of Puddleford, as the tallest grandee treading a city pavement. The scale of greatness was not as long in his village, but he stood as high on it as any other man in the world on his—and so long as he headed his own scale, it mattered but little to him where the "rest of mankind" were.
It must have been a very remarkable character who once said, "human nature is always the same"—that the only difference in human pride and folly is one of degree. And I really hope there are none of my readers who feel disposed to look down upon Puddleford with contempt, because I have presented a few personages who have innocently caricatured what others daily practise, who have been polished in the very laboratory of fashion. Puddleford ought not, for that reason, to be condemned.
It seems to me that it may, on the contrary, be a lesson to such,becauseit makes a burlesque of itself in chasing folly. Puddleford is a great looking-glass, which reflects the faces of almost every person who looks into it, and proves, what that remarkable character said, "that human nature is always the same."
Puddleford and Politics.—Higgins against Wiggins.—The Candidates' Personale.—Their Platforms.—Delicate Questions.—Stump Speaking.—Wiggins on Higgins.—Impertinent Interruptions.—Higgins on Wiggins.—Ike Turtle not dead yet.—Commotion.—Squire Longbow restores Order.—Grand Stroke of Policy.—The Roast Ox at Gillett's Corners.
Puddleford and Politics.—Higgins against Wiggins.—The Candidates' Personale.—Their Platforms.—Delicate Questions.—Stump Speaking.—Wiggins on Higgins.—Impertinent Interruptions.—Higgins on Wiggins.—Ike Turtle not dead yet.—Commotion.—Squire Longbow restores Order.—Grand Stroke of Policy.—The Roast Ox at Gillett's Corners.
Puddleford was famous for its political excitements, and so indeed is a new country generally. Its people watched the altar of liberty with an "eternal vigilance." The qualifications of all persons, from a candidate for the presidency down to township constable, were thoroughly canvassed by the electors. What might be a qualification for office in Puddleford, might disqualify in another region, but we cannot expect that all men will think alike. We must not forget that office meant something in Puddleford—that it conferred honor on the man, whether the man conferred honor on it or not. A highway commissioner, or overseer of the poor, was a character looked up to, and a supervisor or justice were the oracles of their neighborhood.
The merits and demerits of candidates were freely discussed at public meetings, held most usually in the open air, and composed of all parties. Aspirants for public favor, who were opposed to each other, met and made and answered arguments. All things in the "heavensabove and the earth beneath," were raked up and presented at these gatherings. The creation of the world—Adam and Eve—Cain—Jerusalem—Greece and Rome—the revolution, and the last war, were dragged into speeches, and made material for electioneering.
In the fall, subsequently to my settlement, Higgins ran against Wiggins for member of the legislature. It was said that this was one of the most exciting contests that Puddleford ever experienced. Every man, woman, and child were enlisted. The "Higgins" men didn't speak to the "Wiggins" men, nor the "Wiggins" men to the "Higgins" men, for more than two months, and the opposing families absolutely refused to visit.
Wiggins was a little, waspish man, who lived in the country, and was called a "forehanded" farmer. He had been a justice of the peace in Cattaraugus county, State of New York, and thought as much of himself as he did of any other person living. He had a small, withered face, which looked like a frost-bitten apple, red hair, and a quick, restless eye. He was a violent politician, a shrewd manager, had a keen insight of human nature, some humor; and was and always had been a red-hot democrat. He rafted lumber for several years on the Susquehanna, where he received the greater part of his education. He could write his name, and had been known to attempt a letter, but no one was ever yet found who could read his correspondence. His orthography was decidedly bad. He spelled in a sort of short-hand way, which was not so objectionable, after all, as his language usually conveyed the pronunciation of the words intended. "Il" was used for "ile" or "oil;" "hos" stood for "horse;" "kanderdit for ofis," for "candidatefor office," and so on. His extemporaneous speaking was quite tolerable, and it was this gift whichhadgiven him notoriety.
Higgins was a man much after the sort of Wiggins, in many respects, though not altogether. He was a violent whig, and talked incessantly about his "glorious party." He was a large, tall, broad-breasted fellow, ignorant, cunning, and cut something of a swagger wherever he went. He drank whiskey, chewed a paper of fine-cut every day, read the newspapers, cursed the locofocos, prognosticated the downfall of the country, and pledged himself to die game, let what would happen.
These candidates for office had a "platform," a part of which was intended for Puddleford, and a part for their common country—some planks of which were thrown in merely to catch votes, and some for future fame. Wiggins said he was for "giving immortal man full swing inter all things, and letting his natur fly loose like the winds." He was "for driving the American eagle inter every land, whether she'd go or not." He was "for a railroad and canal straight thro' Puddleford, to be built by the state, under the penalty of a revolution." He was "agin rich men everywhere, for they trampled down the poor." He was "for upsetting Longbow and his clique, and declared he would bring in a bill, if elected, that would blow the whole set out of sight." He was for "easy times," "plenty of cash," "little or no work," "good crops," and everything else the people wanted.
Higgins was for "breaking down, and scat'ring locofocos everywhere." He went "for everything that's right, and agin everything that's wrong." He wasfor "beating Wiggins." He could "show that he hadn't patriotism enough to keep the breath warm in a four year old child! there warn't a spark of American glory in him. He wanted to sell out the whole country to the British, and would if elected! Besides, he kicked up a fuss in Bigelow's church, about the doctrines preached, and damaged religion." Higgins, it seemed to me, based his success upon the supposed unpopularity of Wiggins, and not upon any political principles of his own, while Wiggins relied upon the great fundamental truths that were shadowed forth in his platform.
There were other questions which agitated the populace of Puddleford and its county, such as the sale of liquor, the removal of the Indians, &c., &c., which both Higgins and Wiggins touched very tenderly, because it became necessary to advocate both sides, sometimes for and sometimes against, according to the views of those persons who happened at the time to be soliciting information.
During the fall, I had the pleasure of hearing these two rival aspirants for office define their position before the people. The gathering was in a grove, very large for a new country, and made up of men, women, and children. Flags and inscriptions were flying here and there, some for Higgins and some for Wiggins, and every person was as brimful of patriotism as he could hold.
Wiggins rose, and presented himself on a high platform that had been erected for the occasion, pulled up his collar, buttoned his coat, coughed a few times, and then took a leisurely survey of the crowd. "Feller citizens! men and women!" said he, "there is goingto be an election, and I'm a-goin to run for office. Not that I care anything about the office itself, for I don't, a tinker's ladle, but I want to beat Higgins, who never ought to be trusted with the liberties of any people, and I'm willing to sacrifice something to do it. Feller citizens! I want to have you recollect where Higgins lives—at 'Satan's Half Acre!'—where they don't have any Fourth of July; no Sunday school, only about two months a year; and the same place, feller citizens, where they mobbed the temperance lecturer, and swore they'd drink streak-lightning if they were a-min-to! (Great applause, and cheers for Wiggins, mingled with oaths and hisses from Higgins' friends.) Feller citizens, Higgins is a leading man there, and accountable for all this; and if he is elected, we shall indorse all these doings."—A man from the "Half Acre," one of Higgins' friends, rose, and said he'd take the liberty of saying that was an "infarnal lie." Wiggins replied, by inquiring "if the meeting would see free discussion gagged down, here, in the presence of the immortal Washington, who, he hoped, was looking down on-to us!" whereupon the unfortunate man was pitched, headlong, out of the crowd. "Arter having looked at where Higgins lives," continued Wiggins, "look at Higgins himself! what is he? what does he know? what can he do? Why, feller citizens, he was born down somewhere in a place so small, that it ain't on the map, and started life by tending a lime-kiln; but he broke down in this business, and was discharged. He next tried to go to school, but there warn't any class low down enough to get him into. He then tried hoss doct'ring; and you, feller citizens, know when a man turnsout good-for-nothing, he goes rite into the larned professions. He tried hoss doct'ring! and, after laying out ten or a dozen of those noble animals inter the cold embrace of death (applause), he ran away to get rid of a summons that was clus arter him! Then he fiddled for a while winters, and laid off summers; then he druv stage, then he got-tor-be captain of a raft, his first office; but he stranded her, and she's never been got off yet. At last, he went to 'Satan's Half Acre,' where he thinks he ain't known, and actually, feller citizens, has the impudence to come up for office. (Great applause.)
"Now," continued Wiggins, "having disposed of Higgins, I am going to launch out on the great political questions of the day—questions that swell up in me, and fairly make me tremble all over, to think on. We've a mighty sight to do, to take care of them liberties that was 'queathed to us by Gen'ral Washington, jest before he died. The old hero know'd he was a-going, but afore he went, he give us our liberty, and said all that he asked on us was to take care on it, and not let anybody steal or coax it away from us, but always hold on to it like a dog to a root. If it hadn't been for our party," exclaimed Wiggins, in a loud voice, "that great American eagle that has flew'd so long, and kivered our juvenil' years with his wings—that eagle, feller citizens, that sleeps on the ragin tornado, and warms himself in the sun—thateagle, I say—thateagle! eagle! would now be as dead as a smelt, lying on his back, a-groaning for help. (Great applause, and three cheers.) (Wiggins said he hoped the audience would hold in their manifestations of applause as much as they could, as it scattered his thoughts.) The fust whig," continued Wiggins, "thatwe have any notis' on in his'try, is the old feller with tail and horns, who goes to and fro, up and down the airth; and he, you know, stole all-er Job's property, killed off his children, and came pretty near killing the old man himself. The next was John Adams, who didn't want anybody to come into the country, nor say nothing after they had got here. He, feller citizens, was for exploding all the glories of natur, and drying up the etarnal fountains of hope and consolation—for turning man back again into the regions of confusion, where all is night and misery! (Very great applause, followed by a flight of hats in the air.) The next whig was everybody that supported old John, such as Higgins and his party.
"Now, feller citizens, what's the reason you hain't got any more money? It's because the laws ain't right. Man was born to have enough of everything. This is a big world we live in—it ram'fys itself all round the 'quator, and its mountains diversify themselves into infinity. You own your part on't just as much as the greatest nabob; and all you've got to do is to stand up to the rack, vote for true men, and you'll get it; and it's your duty to rise in your wrath, break the chains of oppression, and declare that you'll never lay down the sword until the last enemy is routed." (More applause.) Here a solemn-faced man rose, and asked Wiggins to define himself on the "licker question." "Thank you, sir," replied Wiggins—"was just comin' to that." "The licker question—the licker question," continued Wiggins, speaking with gravity, for there was a great division of opinion among his hearers on that subject—"the licker question, feller citizens, is agreatquestion.Some people drink, some don't—some drink a little, some a good deal. The licker question is a question that a great many folks talk about.Italk about it myself, and" (the same man rose again, and ask'd Wiggins if he would "vote agin licker?" Wiggins said "it throw'd him off his balance, to be disturb'd in public speaking")—"everybody know'd how he stood on that pint—he'd never chang'd; he stood where his forefathers did; he went the whole hog on the licker question"—("Which side?" inquired the man.) "Which side? which side?" ejaculated Wiggins: "do you wanter trammel up a free and inderpendent citizen of this mighty republic! How do I know,here, what I shall be called upon to votefororagin! Ask me to say I'll vote agin something that hain't come up yet! When David knocked over the great giant Goliah, do you 'spose he knew just where he'd throw the stone to hit him." "Yes-sir-ee," exclaimed Higgins, springing on his feet "he did that very thing." Wiggins "hoped order would be preserved. I shall leave to the expansive development of the times," continued Wiggins, his arms flying like a windmill, "the blazing energies of the day, and cling to the constitution till it goes out inter the expiring regions of oblivion." (Three cheers were given.)
Wiggins sat down, evidently quite exhausted; and I noticed that he had made a decided impression. Higgins rose, stripped off his coat and vest, rolled up his shirt-sleeve, stuffed a quarter-paper of tobacco into his cheek, and "ascended the platform." He said he was a humble citizen, and warn't com'd of rich or larned folks—hehadtended lime-kiln—hehaddoctor'd hosses—hehaddruv stage; and he was goin' to drive and doctora jackass. (Much cheering.) He had alwaysworkedfor his living. He'd give five dollars to any man who'd tell him where Wigginswasborn, or show that he ever did anything.Helived on the sweat, and the blood, and the brains of the people. He'd tended grocery, peddled calickers, try'd to talk law once, and was now on a farm, just for appearance' sake. For himself, he was a humble link in the great whig chain. (Ike Turtle said he s'posed he was that link called theswivel.) Higgins, with an affected pleasantry, asked Turtle "how long it was since he run'd away from the State of New York, for debt?" Turtle replied, that "Wiggins ought to know, for he was along with him"—whereupon a tremendous shout was raised in favor of Turtle. Higgins rallied and proceeded. He said "he warn't goin' to talk about the devil, and John Adams—he didn't know nothing about either on 'em—it was entirely agin his religion to speak of such things before such a 'spectable audience. (Some sensation.) What he wanted to do was, to carry the great,etar-nal, glorious principles of his party rite strait inter every mortal being, and save the country, which now lies bleeding at its last gasp." (Ike asked Higgins to "throw him down a bundle of them principles, and if they suited him, he'd take a few.")
Somebody told Turtle to sit down, whereupon Turtle appealed to the crowd, and inquired if they'd see a citizen gagged down. ("No! no!" was the reply.)
Higgins went on. He said Wiggins warn't so near straight on the licker question as his yaller dog at hum, for his dog never got drunk, and Wiggins did, sometimes. ("That's a lie!" exclaimed Wiggins.) "Ofcourse he'll deny it, feller citizens—I would, if I was in his place—but I, feller citizens, without fear of man, not caring about an election, step forth, and say to you all, in the full blaze of day, thatI'll do all for the cause that lies in my power, having in view the interests of everybody in this republic." (Applause.)
Higgins said that "he was sorry to see such a man as Wiggins trying to quote scripter to this audience—a man, feller citizens, is Wiggins—who don't know whether David was the son of Goliah, or Goliah the son of David—a man who don't know whether Paul wrote the book of Genesis, or Genesis the book of Paul—a swearin' man, feller citizens; and yet he talks about Goliah throwing stones at David. (Wiggins wished to correct Higgins—it was the other way—David threw the stone at Goliah.) Howsomever," continued Higgins, "he talks about the stonesbein' thrown, and uses the scripters in this way; and arn't it a vile way, feller citizens, to catch your votes—to run himself into the legislater with, where he can knock over the liberties of the country, and make the green fields a howlin' waste again!" (This was followed by very great applause.)
After the applause ceased, Ike Turtle rose with gravity, and reaching forth a bottle towards Higgins, inquired if "he wouldn'thave a little, as natur couldn't bear up long under such rackin' thoughts."
Higgins said he didn't believe this free and highly moral and religus audience would long stand a party who'd throw a jug of licker inter their faces.
Turtle replied that it was a mere experiment. He bro't it on purposto see if there wasanyplace where Wigginswouldn'tdrink. (This raised a shout.)
Wiggins retorted by saying that "he never had made a walking grocery of himself." (Much laughter.)
Turtle "didn't know about that—if he did he carried itinside." The whole meeting finally got into a commotion, each party taking sides. Squire Longbow set up a hue and cry, "In the name of the people of ——," and order was restored. I heard him say, after the crowd had become quiet, "that the constitution guaranteed talking, and altho' he was on t'other side in politics, he must say, as a magistrate, that it guaranteed Higgins the floor, as the great Story decided in his chapter on rows and mobs."
Higgins bowed to Squire Longbow, and proceeded. "I'm not goin' to say much more, and, finally, feller citizens," he continued, "I won't say any more. The audience issointelligent, understand so well all the principles of gov'ment, from Noah's family that sailed inter the ark, down to the remotest possibility of futer gen'rations—have so weigh'd everything 'longing to 'em, before the morning stars sang, and dirgested it by piece-meal—that it would be an everlasting insult formeto attempt to talk furder—and in conclusion I will say: Three cheers for the dying heroes who got our freedom, and who now lie a-sleeping on the shores of glory!" (Tremendous applause, accompanied by cheers and swinging of hats.)
I have given, I believe, the substance of the first two speeches, but these were only introductory to those that followed. It was expected, when the meeting opened, that the speaking would occupy most of the day, and the specimens which I have reported were merely straws thrown out to determine which way the wind blew. Thereal questions at issue were dexterously dodged by sallies of wit and flights of unmeaning bombast.
Wiggins mounted the stand again, and spoke for an hour. He told a large number of humorous stories, and turned their point against Higgins—then he sailed away into the clouds astride a burst of nonsense—then he came down again. At one time, while Wiggins was "cavorting in the upper regions," as Turtle called it, Sile Bates, who was a whig, started to his feet, and placing his closed hand to one eye, and cocking the other, he stared away after him, as earnestly as if he were just passing out of sight. Higgins followed, and the speaking was kept up, alternately, until about four o'clock in the afternoon, when the meeting closed, without either Higgins or Wiggins defining their position, or saying one word indicative of their future political course.
Just as the meeting closed, Ike Turtle, who was the real political manager on the part of the democratic party, rushed up to the speakers' stand, and swinging his hat round, cried out at the top of his lungs, "Feller citizens! The democratic party, knowin' that the speaking would last a good while, and that natur might become exhausted in listenin' and 'tendin' to the duties of our common country, have prepared a roasted ox, down at 'Gillett's Corners' with all the fixins, where we want you all to go, whigs and democrats, both Higgins and Wiggins, and particularly the ladies, who have turned out so nobly—and the young folks can have a dance in the evenin' if they wish."
Here was a stroke of management worth all the speeches of the day. No one suspected that there was a dinner in preparation, and when Ike made the announcement,there was a shout that came from the heart, and made the woods ring. And the meeting adjourned to "Gillett's Corners."
Several other public political gatherings were held, and a very large amount of breath, time, and eloquence were expended; but the result was the election of Wiggins by a tremendous majority, and I do not now recollect of hearing of an allusion, by him, in the legislature, to any of those "leading measures" that occupied his thoughts on the "stump."
I believe, after all, that the country was very well represented. Wiggins used about as much gas and deception in securing his seat as a New York politician, but not any more; but after he had obtained it, he felt and acted like a representative of the people, who had a reputation of his own to sustain. When I say "well represented," I mean thathe did no harm—nor any good either—but always voted right on party questions, because his name began with W, and was nearly the last called—if it had begun with A, he would have ruined himself, and perhaps his country—so true it is that a man's fame or infamy may hang by a single thread.