EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER,BEINGRULES FOR PUNNING,ORPUNS FOR ALL PERSONS AND SEASONS.A FRAGMENT.
"Comitantibus armis,
PUNicase—attolletgloria."Virg. Æn.iv.
Prefatory remarks on the art of punning—its antiquity from Homer'soutis, through Sophocles, Cicero, &c. down to Shakspeare, &c. Its advantages over wit. Wit requires wit in the hearer to comprehend it—a lasting and insuperable objection to its universality. Puns, on the contrary, require no wit to make them, nor any to understand them. Prove this by their well-known effect on stupidity in drawing-rooms, theatres, &c. An act to abolish punning would be the destruction of three-quarters of what are called thewitsof our times, and fifteen-sixteenths of the dramatic writers.
Under these circumstances of fashion and prevalence, a man might as well go into a gambling house without knowing how to play, as into company without knowing how to make himself agreeable by punning. Rules are necessary for the acquisition of every art. Let what Ovid desired to have said of him, in respect to love, be said of me, with regard to punning—"Magister erat."
In therulesdivide thus—puns for every day, in one week, in winter, spring, summer, and autumn. Puns, in these different seasons, for men, and puns for women, varied according to the class of life, and the rank held in the particular establishment, &c. &c.
MASTER OF A FAMILY.First day—Sketch to be filled up.
Sunday.—This is a day of rest for all things but women's tongues and puns—they have none. You go to church, of course, to set a good example to your family, but letthemattend to the parson, you may be preparing puns against dinner-time, when you expect a party.
The man of the house is nothing without his wife. It is becoming that she should assist you—she is yourhelp-mate. Connive together, and let her putleading questions. Half an hour before dinner—company come. All very stupid as usual. Mrs.—— observes, that she fears that the dinner will be rather late, as she was obliged to takeAdam, the footman, to the park, on account of the children. The husband immediately remarks, that Adam may bethe firstof men, but he isa damnslow fellow.
Mrs.——. My dearTom, you deserve aCanefor that.Mr.——. Ay, if you wereAbleto give it to me, who am ahostto-day. Perhaps you were on theEveof saying this; well, there's as much chance in these things as in aPair o' dice.
Mrs.——. My dearTom, you deserve aCanefor that.
Mr.——. Ay, if you wereAbleto give it to me, who am ahostto-day. Perhaps you were on theEveof saying this; well, there's as much chance in these things as in aPair o' dice.
(A general laugh.)
Here you are at the end of this excellent subject. I don't know that any thing more can be made of it.
N.B. Hire no man unless his name isAdam, or he will suffer you to call him so.
Let your children enter. Miss Lucy, George, and Theodore, all punsters, but this day is devoted to the father. Call your daughter,Lucy, because, if you are aprofoundscholar, you can frequently bring in "luceclarior." Your other girl,Sally, ran away with an apothecary. Mrs.—— will say this, and you'll exclaim, "Ah,Salvolatile!"
Invite a poor French priest[29]to your table at these times. He is always to ask, when your children appear, "Est ce qu'ils sont tous par la même mère?"
[29]The wordEmigré, which appears in this article as before printed, would at once destroy theunquestionableright Swift has to the honour of this MS. forEmigrédid not obtain in our language till long after his death.
[29]The wordEmigré, which appears in this article as before printed, would at once destroy theunquestionableright Swift has to the honour of this MS. forEmigrédid not obtain in our language till long after his death.
When you are to reply—"Yes, I believe they are all by the samemare, but I won't answer for the horse[30]."
[30]This has been given to Foote; but dates decide.
[30]This has been given to Foote; but dates decide.
This is not very complimentary to your wife; but it would be a pretty joke indeed, if a good pun was to be lost for such a trifling consideration.
If you consult decency too much, there's an end of wit. He who digs for diamonds must not be over squeamish about dirt. Here Mrs.—— may say, "My dearTom, I wish the man would bring up the dinner."
Mr. ——. "Bring upthe dinner, my love? Heaven forbid! As Dido says, that's 'sic sic,' so so[31]."
Mr. ——. "Bring upthe dinner, my love? Heaven forbid! As Dido says, that's 'sic sic,' so so[31]."
[31]Æn. iv. 660.
[31]Æn. iv. 660.
You must not be too nice, as I observed before.
You must not be too nice, as I observed before.
(Mrs. —— rings the bell.)Enter Servant.
Mrs.——. Is dinner ready?Mr.(Looking round.)—Thechopsare, I'm sure.Adam. It is dishing now, ma'am.
Mrs.——. Is dinner ready?
Mr.(Looking round.)—Thechopsare, I'm sure.
Adam. It is dishing now, ma'am.
(A crash heard as if an accident.)
Mr.——Dishingindeed—I fear it'sdished.
Mr.——Dishingindeed—I fear it'sdished.
Dinner—all seated.
Mrs.——. Will any body take soup?Mr.——. What, before grace, yougraceless rogues. There's no parson here, I see; though we are not without some ofthe cloth. Well, I'll say it—grace at dinner ismeet.
Mrs.——. Will any body take soup?
Mr.——. What, before grace, yougraceless rogues. There's no parson here, I see; though we are not without some ofthe cloth. Well, I'll say it—grace at dinner ismeet.
[A universal laugh. The sight of dinner is a breeder of good-humour.]
Take care to have the salt-cellars put on the table empty.
Mr.——. Why what the devil's this—no salt!Mrs.——. (As planned.)—You havesaltenough, I'm sure, my dear.Mr.——. "Egopunior ipse," Ovid. Very well, very well! my wife is not amiss: but the salt, Adam.Adam.Sir, the house-keeper's gone out, and I don't know where to get any.Mr.——. Why an't here foursaltsellers?
Mr.——. Why what the devil's this—no salt!
Mrs.——. (As planned.)—You havesaltenough, I'm sure, my dear.
Mr.——. "Egopunior ipse," Ovid. Very well, very well! my wife is not amiss: but the salt, Adam.
Adam.Sir, the house-keeper's gone out, and I don't know where to get any.
Mr.——. Why an't here foursaltsellers?
[The Frenchman does not understand this, but he is to laugh heartily nevertheless.]
Mrs.——. Here, Adam; take this key, and you'll find some in the store-room, at the top of the house.
Mrs.——. Here, Adam; take this key, and you'll find some in the store-room, at the top of the house.
Mr.——.Attic salt, eh! ha, ha, ha! Well, come let's fall to; this meat willkeepno longer without salt.Mrs.——. My dearTom, that rich dish will only give you the gout.Mr.——. Pooh! "Chacun à songout." Why should not I eat it, as well as another?Mrs.——. Bless me, how you mangle that duck.Mr.——.Mangleit, my love. Well, I think that's better than towash and ironit; but tell me how you'll have it done, and you shall find meductile.
Mr.——.Attic salt, eh! ha, ha, ha! Well, come let's fall to; this meat willkeepno longer without salt.
Mrs.——. My dearTom, that rich dish will only give you the gout.
Mr.——. Pooh! "Chacun à songout." Why should not I eat it, as well as another?
Mrs.——. Bless me, how you mangle that duck.
Mr.——.Mangleit, my love. Well, I think that's better than towash and ironit; but tell me how you'll have it done, and you shall find meductile.
[Many opportunities will offer of makingobscene puns, but I give no rules for these; they come naturally to every punster! All I shall say is, that they mustneverbe neglected.]
Let your cook be famous for pancakes. One of your little boys must inquire for some.
Mr.——. My dear, this is Sunday; you know we can't have pancakes tillFri-day.
Mr.——. My dear, this is Sunday; you know we can't have pancakes tillFri-day.
[Many more puns must be introduced.Champaign,real pain;after allcheese is best, &c.]
The company will, probably, add some, and you may, also, by accident; however, you'll have this advantage over your friends, that you'll be certain of all these while you're with your wife, and at home. Your acquaintance, of course, havenames, and if they have no other merit, it's very hard if you can't make something of them in the pun way. Any blockhead can do that.
DESSERT.
Mr.——. "Give every man hisdeserts." Shakspeare.
Mr.——. "Give every man hisdeserts." Shakspeare.
Mrs.——. My love, shall I send you a peach?Mr.——. Yes, and if it isn't a good one, I'll impeachyour judgment.
Mrs.——. My love, shall I send you a peach?
Mr.——. Yes, and if it isn't a good one, I'll impeachyour judgment.
By connivance with the Frenchman, he must offer you a pinch of Maccuba snuff, saying he's sorry it is not better, but his Tonquin bean has lost its flavour. You then reply—Ay, I see it's one of thehas-beens.
Mrs.——. Oh! that's too bad.Mr.——. Why, it's wit at apinch, at any rate; therefore it need notmake you baw—l, as if I had got into the wrongbox.—(Turning to the boys.)—What's Latin for goose, eh!Boys.Brandy, papa!Mrs.——. You'll kill yourself with that vile liquor.Mr.——. How can that be—Isn't it eau devie?Mrs.——, at some time, must call for the nutmeg grater.—You take it, and address your neighbour: Sir, you are a great man, but here is agrater.
Mrs.——. Oh! that's too bad.
Mr.——. Why, it's wit at apinch, at any rate; therefore it need notmake you baw—l, as if I had got into the wrongbox.—(Turning to the boys.)—What's Latin for goose, eh!
Boys.Brandy, papa!
Mrs.——. You'll kill yourself with that vile liquor.
Mr.——. How can that be—Isn't it eau devie?
Mrs.——, at some time, must call for the nutmeg grater.—You take it, and address your neighbour: Sir, you are a great man, but here is agrater.
The sweetmeats will be praised of course.
Mr.——. All my wife's doing. Nancy's a notable woman, I assure you; but I'm morenot ablethan she is, an't I, my dear?
Mr.——. All my wife's doing. Nancy's a notable woman, I assure you; but I'm morenot ablethan she is, an't I, my dear?
Ladies all rise.
Mrs.——. (Blushing.)—I can take a hint. My dear, pray touch the bell.Mr.——. (Chucking a young lady under the chin.)—Yes, my love, I'll touch thebelle.Mrs.——. (Going.)—You wag!Mr.——. No, I think youwag, but—(bowing)—Ibowto you.
Mrs.——. (Blushing.)—I can take a hint. My dear, pray touch the bell.
Mr.——. (Chucking a young lady under the chin.)—Yes, my love, I'll touch thebelle.
Mrs.——. (Going.)—You wag!
Mr.——. No, I think youwag, but—(bowing)—Ibowto you.
The ladies gone, the gentlemen need no instructions. They will all have recourse to theirmother tongue, andthe most ignorant will shine the most. The master must begin with half a dozen obscene puns, to make himself agreeable, and the conversation general[32].
[32]Here I have run my pencil through several puns on the ladies' retiring. Though he says it is unnecessary,Swiftcould not help indulging the natural bent of his genius, which is a strong proof of the authenticity of the MS. An additional evidence appears in a query in a memorandum made on the margin of this MS. for the puns for afarmer. Some one, who has rye-fields, is to write to him—Pray sendme men to mow rye? and he is to return a skull.Memento mori—Don't you see? But query—willmowingrye do for any butour Irish farmers?
[32]Here I have run my pencil through several puns on the ladies' retiring. Though he says it is unnecessary,Swiftcould not help indulging the natural bent of his genius, which is a strong proof of the authenticity of the MS. An additional evidence appears in a query in a memorandum made on the margin of this MS. for the puns for afarmer. Some one, who has rye-fields, is to write to him—Pray sendme men to mow rye? and he is to return a skull.Memento mori—Don't you see? But query—willmowingrye do for any butour Irish farmers?
THE TEA TABLE.
Mr.——. (Entering after all the rest.)—Ah! Mrs.——, what I see you areat hometo atto-night.Boys.Pa, we have had no tea.Mr.——. "Sinetejuventas." That's wrong. It isrightthat you should not beleftout.Mrs.—— purposely sends a dish of tea to a lady, without sugar, of which she complains.Mr.——. (Handing the sugar basin.)—Well, ma'am, if you do not like it, you maylumpit.
Mr.——. (Entering after all the rest.)—Ah! Mrs.——, what I see you areat hometo atto-night.
Boys.Pa, we have had no tea.
Mr.——. "Sinetejuventas." That's wrong. It isrightthat you should not beleftout.
Mrs.—— purposely sends a dish of tea to a lady, without sugar, of which she complains.
Mr.——. (Handing the sugar basin.)—Well, ma'am, if you do not like it, you maylumpit.
[Miss Lucy plays on the piano-forte, but is to fail in her first attempt.]
Mrs.——. (As planned.)—That comes of playing at sight.Mr.——. Atsight!Why what the deuce would come if she was to shut her eyes?
Mrs.——. (As planned.)—That comes of playing at sight.
Mr.——. Atsight!Why what the deuce would come if she was to shut her eyes?
If any thing like serious or sensible conversation should be introduced, and there's no knowing what some dull fellow may not do, put an end to it at oncewith a pun. If he talk of war, suppose he means thePun-ic war, and say that in your battles you are with Livy—"Punctim magìs quam cœsim peto hostem." If he speak of the army, look archly at your wife, and say you expect soon to have a sonin arms, &c. Should he mention the Prince of Wales, inquire, which is greater, theDolphinof Franceor thePrince ofWales? solving the question immediately with Juvenal's
"Delphinis Balæna Britannica major."ThanDolphinsgreater is theBritish Whale.
Now something about going intoBedfordshire and the land ofNodwill wind up what is commonly called a very pleasant day, full of wit, humour, and repartee. I must not forget to observe, that, if you can add anypractical jokes, which lead to puns, and fallat all shortof murder, the treat will be improved.
Viz. Pinch a piece out of a man's arm, to say you did not know there was anyharm. Break his shin—that'sleg-al. Pull away his chair[33]when he is sitting down—you'vegood groundfor it. Run your head against his—two headsare better than one. Overturn the milk-jug on him—then he's in themilky way. So with the urn—then he's inhot water. When he hops about, say he seems in alame-ntable way. Let the boys knock the candle into some lady's lap—this you may call awick-ed thing, &c. &c. Intersperse these, with other such amiable pleasantries as these, and all the fools (a commandingmajorityin everyassemblyin the country), will shout for joy, extol your wit, and applaud your ingenuity.
[33]Memorandum.This joke is recommended, by thesurgeons, for all seasons; but, in mysystem, better arranged, it will be proper to distinguish. In thewinter, when the carpet's down, you are glad to bring that affair on thetapis. In thespring, theearthbegins tobearevery thing. In thesummer, it's "summum jus," because it's "summainjuria," and the carpet being up, you give himboardwitha dealof pleasure, that'splain: and in theautumn, you allude to thefall. Besides, what does he do in a chair—all flesh isgrass—hay!
[33]Memorandum.This joke is recommended, by thesurgeons, for all seasons; but, in mysystem, better arranged, it will be proper to distinguish. In thewinter, when the carpet's down, you are glad to bring that affair on thetapis. In thespring, theearthbegins tobearevery thing. In thesummer, it's "summum jus," because it's "summainjuria," and the carpet being up, you give himboardwitha dealof pleasure, that'splain: and in theautumn, you allude to thefall. Besides, what does he do in a chair—all flesh isgrass—hay!
LONDON:PRINTED BY THOMAS DAVISON, WHITEFRIARS.
CONTENTS.
PageDedication to the King,iA Word to the Witty and the Wise,iiiDescription of Frontispiece,viiProlegomena on Punning,1Origin of Punning,19Art of Punning, by Swift and Sheridan,23Satire on Sheridan, by Dr. Tisdal,68Dying Speech of Tom Ashe,72A Pestilent Neighbour,77Punning Epistle on Money,78God's Revenge against Punning, by Dr. Arbuthnot,79The Birth of a Pun,84Antiquity of Puns,85Punning on Surnames,86Punning run mad,90Bashful on Punning,93Examples in Punning,97W. R. V—ana,125Norburyana,129Punning Epigrams,143The Punster's Court,165Puns for all Purposes,166A Punning Essay,183Every Man his own Punster,190
ILLUSTRATIONS.
Page1.Vignette to Title—The Punster's Court2. The Dance of Wit,v3. Squibs and Crackers, a 5th of November scene,14. The Androgynos, or Jove's Pun,195. The Art of Punning,236. The Lord's Humbassador,637. The Dancing Punster,708. The Birth of a Pun,849. The Bashful Punster,9310. The Magic of Punning,9611. The Punster's Bowl,9712. Lord Norbury and Court,12913. The Sporting Punsters,14314. Death of Poor Carlo,16415. Gunpowder Wit,16616. Tartani's Dream,182
With Numerous Elegant Vignettes interspersed through the Work.
TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES.
Except for obvious typos and printer errors, which have been corrected without comment, the author's spelling, grammar, and use of punctuation are retained as in the original publication, with the following exceptions:
Page44. Change cremona to Cremona.... threw down a Cremona-fiddle with a ...
Page47. Change tory to Tory.... pretends to be a Tory, or ...
Page52. Correct typo. Change recal to recall.... you may recall a discourse...
Page128. Opening quote added in the paragraph ending"_even a major-ity_."
Page180. Correct typo. Change, to.... it is An-acre-on-tick.
There are three apparent printer errors in the list of illustrations. Although there are html links directing the reader to pages 70, 84, and 166, there are no illustrations on those pages in the original publication.