The Market Place.EnterPlumeandKite.
The Market Place.
EnterPlumeandKite.
Plume.A baker, a tailor, a smith, butchers, carpenters, and journeymen shoemakers, in all thirty-nine—I believe the first colony planted in Virginia had not more trades in their company than I have in mine.
Kite.The butcher, sir, will have his hands full, for we have two sheep-stealers among us—I hear of a fellow, too, committed just now for stealing of horses.
Plume.We'll dispose of him among the dragoons—Have we never a poulterer among us?
Kite.Yes, sir, the king of the gipsies is a very good one; he has an excellent hand at a goose or a turkey—Here's Captain Brazen, sir. I must go look after the men.
EnterBrazen,reading a Letter.
EnterBrazen,reading a Letter.
Brazen.Um, um, um, the canonical hour——Um, um, very well—My dear Plume! give me a buss.
Plume.Half a score, if you will, my dear! What hast got in thy hand, child?
Brazen.'Tis a project for laying out a thousand pounds.
Plume.Were it not requisite to project first how to get it in?
Brazen.You can't imagine, my dear, that I want twenty thousand pounds! I have spent twenty times as much in the service—But if this twenty thousand pounds should not be in specie——
Plume.What twenty thousand?
Brazen.Harkye——[Whispers.
Plume.Married!
Brazen.Presently; we're to meet about half a mile out of town, at the waterside—and so forth—[Reads.]For fear I should be known by any of Worthy's friends, you must give me leave to wear my mask till after the ceremony which will make me for ever yours.—Lookye there, my dear dog!
[Shows the Bottom of the Letter toPlume.
Plume.Melinda! and by this light her own hand! Once more, if you please, my dear—Her hand exactly—Just now, you say?
Brazen.This minute; I must be gone.
Plume.Have a little patience, and I'll go with you.
Brazen.No, no, I see a gentleman coming this way that may be inquisitive; 'tis Worthy, do you know him?
Plume.By sight only.
Brazen.Have a care, the very eyes discover secrets.
[Exit.
EnterWorthy.
EnterWorthy.
Wor.To boot and saddle, captain, you must mount.
Plume.Whip and spur, Worthy, or you won't mount.
Wor.But I shall; Melinda and I are agreed; she's gone to visit Sylvia, we are to mount and follow; and could we carry a parson with us, who knows what might be done for us both?
Plume.Don't trouble your head; Melinda has secured a parson already.
Wor.Already! do you know more than I?
Plume.Yes, I saw it under her hand—Brazen and she are to meet half a mile hence, at the waterside, there to take boat, I suppose, to be ferried over to the Elysian Fields, if there be any such thing in matrimony.
Wor.I parted with Melinda just now; she assured me she hated Brazen, and that she resolved to discard Lucy for daring to write letters to him in her name.
Plume.Nay, nay, there's nothing of Lucy in this—I tell ye, I saw Melinda's hand as surely as this is mine.
Wor.But I tell you, she's gone this minute to Justice Balance's country-house.
Plume.But I tell you, she's gone this minute to the waterside.
Enter aServant.
Enter aServant.
Serv.Madam Melinda has sent word that you need not trouble yourself to follow her, because her journey to Justice Balance's is put off, and she's gone to take the air another way.[ToWorthy.
Wor.How! her journey put off?
Plume.That is, her journey was a put off to you.
Wor.'Tis plain, plain—But how, where, when is she to meet Brazen?
Plume.Just now, I tell you, half a mile hence, at the waterside.
Wor.Up or down the water?
Plume.That I don't know.
Wor.I'm glad my horses are ready—I shall return presently.
[Exit.
Plume.You'll find me at the Hall: the justices are sitting by this time, and I must attend them.
[Exit.
A Court of Justice.Balance, Scale,andScruple,upon the Bench;Constable, Kite, Mob.KiteandConstableadvance.
A Court of Justice.
Balance, Scale,andScruple,upon the Bench;Constable, Kite, Mob.
KiteandConstableadvance.
Kite.Pray, who are those honourable gentlemen upon the bench?
Const.He in the middle is Justice Balance, he on the right is Justice Scale, and he on the left is Justice Scruple, and I am Mr. Constable; four very honest gentlemen.
Kite.O dear, sir! I am your most obedient servant. [Saluting theConstable.] I fancy, sir, that your employment and mine are much the same; for my business is to keep people in order, and, if they disobey, to knock them down; and then we are both staff officers.
Const.Nay, I'm a serjeant myself—of the militia—Come, brother, you shall see me exercise. Suppose this a musket; now I'm shouldered.
[Puts his Staff on his right Shoulder.
Kite.Ay, you are shouldered pretty well for a constable's staff, but for a musket you must put it on the other shoulder, my dear!
Const.Adso! that's true—Come, now give the word of command.
Kite.Silence.
Const.Ay, ay, so we will—we will be silent.
Kite.Silence, you dog, silence!
[Strikes him over the Head with his Halbert.
Const.That's the way to silence a man with a witness. What do you mean, friend?
Kite.Only to exercise you, sir.
Const.Your exercise differs so much from ours, that we shall ne'er agree about it; if my own captain had given me such a rap, I had taken the law of him.
EnterPlume.
EnterPlume.
Bal.Captain, you're welcome.
Plume.Gentlemen, I thank you.
Scrup.Come, honest captain, sit by me. [Plumeascends, and sits upon the Bench.]—Now, produce your prisoners——Here, that fellow there, set him up. Mr. Constable, what have you to say against this man?
Const.I have nothing to say against him, an' please you.
Bal.No; what made you bring him hither?
Const.I don't know, an' please your worship.
Scale.Did not the contents of your warrant direct you what sort of men to take up?
Const.I can't tell, an' please ye; I can't read.
Scrup.A very pretty constable, truly. I find we have no business here.
Kite.May it please the worshipful bench, I desire to be heard in this case, as being the counsel for the king.
Bal.Come, serjeant, you shall be heard, since nobody else will speak; we won't come here for nothing.
Kite.This man is but one man, the country may spare him, and the army wants him; besides, he's cut out by nature for a grenadier; he's five feet ten inches high; he shall box, wrestle, or dance the Cheshire round with any man in the country; he gets drunk every Sabbath-day, and he beats his wife.
Wife.You lie, sirrah, you lie; an please your worship, he's the best natured pains-taking'st man in the parish, witness my five poor children.
Scrup.A wife and five children? you constable, you rogue, how durst you impress a man that has a wife and five children?
Scale.Discharge him, discharge him.
Bal.Hold, gentlemen. Harkye, friend, how do you maintain your wife and five children?
Plume.They live upon wild-fowl and venison, sir; the husband keeps a gun, and kills all the hares and partridges within five miles round.
Bal.A gun! nay if he be so good at gunning, he shall have enough on't. He may be of use against the French, for he shoots flying to be sure.
Scrup.But his wife and children, Mr. Balance?
Wife.Ay, ay, that's the reason you would send him away; you know I have a child every year, and you are afraid that they should come upon the parish at last.
Plume.Lookye there, gentlemen; the honest woman has spoke it at once; the parish had better maintain five children this year, than six or seven the next. That fellow, upon this high feeding, may get you two or three beggars at a birth.
Wife.Lookye, Mr. Captain, the parish shall get nothing by sending him away, for I won't lose my teeming-time, if there be a man left in the parish.
Bal.Send that woman to the house of correction,——and the man——
Kite.I'll take care of him, if you please.
[Takes him down.
Scale.Here, you constable, the next. Set up that black-faced fellow, he has a gunpowder look; what can you say against this man, constable?
Const.Nothing, but that he's a very honest man.
Plume.Pray, gentlemen, let me have one honest man in my company, for the novelty's sake.
Bal.What are you, friend?
Mob.A collier; I work in the coal-pits.
Scrup.Lookye, gentlemen, this fellow has a trade, and the act of parliament here expresses, that we are to impress no man that has any visible means of a livelihood.
Kite.May it please your worship, this man has no visible means of a livelihood, for he works underground.
Plume.Well said, Kite; besides, the army wants miners.
Bal.Right, and had we an order of government for't, we could raise you in this and the neighbouring county of Stafford, five hundred colliers, that would run you under ground like moles, and do more service in a siege, than all the miners in the army.
Scrup.Well, friend, what have you to say for yourself?
Mob.I'm married.
Kite.Lack-a-day! so am I.
Mob.Here's my wife, poor woman.
Bal.Are you married, good woman?
Woman.I'm married in conscience.
Kite.May it please your worship, she's with child in conscience.
Scale.Who married you, mistress?
Woman.My husband: we agreed that I should call him husband, to avoid passing for a whore, and that he should call me wife, to shun going for a soldier.
Plume.A very pretty couple! What say you, Mr. Kite? will you take care of the woman?
Kite.Yes, sir, she shall go with us to the sea-side, and there, if she has a mind to drown herself, we'll take care nobody shall hinder her.
Bal.Here, constable, bring in my man.[ExitConstable.] Now, captain, I'll fit you with a man such as you never listed in your life.
EnterConstableandSylvia.
EnterConstableandSylvia.
Oh, my friend Pinch! I'm very glad to see you.
Syl.Well, sir, and what then?
Scale.What then! is that your respect to the bench?
Syl.Sir, I don't care a farthing for you, nor your bench neither.
Scrup.Lookye, gentlemen, that's enough; he's a very impudent fellow, and fit for a soldier.
Scale.A notorious rogue, I say, and very fit for a soldier.
Const.A whoremaster, I say, and therefore fit to go.
Bal.What think you, captain?
Plume.I think he's a very pretty fellow, and therefore fit to serve.
Syl.Me for a soldier! send your own lazy lubberly sons at home; fellows that hazard their necks every day, in the pursuit of a fox, yet dare not peep abroad to look an enemy in the face.
Const.May it please your worships, I have a woman at the door to swear a rape against this rogue.
Syl.Is it your wife, or daughter, booby?
Bal.Pray, captain, read the articles of war; we'll see him listed immediately.
Plume.[Reads.Articles of war, against mutiny and desertion, &c.
Syl.Hold, sir——Once more, gentlemen, have a care what you do; for you shall severely smart for any violence you offer to me; and you, Mr. Balance, I speak to you particularly, you shall heartily repent it.
Plume.Lookye, young spark, say but one word more, and I'll build a horse for you as high as the cieling, and make you ride the most tiresome journey that ever you made in your life.
Syl.You have made a fine speech, good Captain Huff-cap! but you had better be quiet; I shall find a way to cool your courage.
Plume.Pray, gentlemen, don't mind him, he's distracted.
Syl.'Tis false! I am descended of as good a family as any in your county; my father is as good a man as any upon your bench, and I am heir to twelve hundred pounds a-year.
Bal.He's certainly mad. Pray, captain, read the articles of war.
Syl.Hold, once more. Pray, Mr. Balance, to you I speak; suppose I were your child, would you use me at this rate?
Bal.No, 'faith: were you mine, I would send you to Bedlam first, and into the army afterwards.
Syl.But consider my father, sir; he's as good, as generous, as brave, as just a man as ever served his country; I'm his only child; perhaps the loss of me may break his heart.
Bal.He's a very great fool if it does. Captain, if you don't list him this minute, I'll leave the court.
Plume.Kite, do you distribute the levy money to the men, while I read.
Kite.Ay, sir. Silence, gentlemen!
[Plumereads the Articles of War.
Bal.Very well; now, captain, let me beg the favour of you not to discharge this fellow, upon any account whatsoever. Bring in the rest.
Const.There are no more, an't please your worship.
Bal.No more! There were five, two hours ago.
Syl.'Tis true, sir; but this rogue of a constable let the rest escape, for a bribe of eleven shillings a man, because he said the act allowed him but ten, so the odd shilling was clear gains.
All Just.How!
Syl.Gentlemen, he offered to let me go away for two guineas, but I had not so much about me: this is truth, and I am ready to swear it.
Kite.And I'll swear it: give me the book—'tis for the good of the service.
Mob.May it please your worship, I gave him half a crown, to say that I was an honest man; but now, since that your worships have made me a rogue, I hope I shall have my money again.
Bal.'Tis my opinion, that this constable be put into the captain's hands, and if his friends don't bring four good men for his ransom by to-morrow night, captain, you shall carry him to Flanders.
Scale.Scrup.Agreed, agreed.
Plume.Mr. Kite, take the constable into custody.
Kite.Ay, ay, sir. [To theConstable.] Will you please to have your office taken from you? or will you handsomely lay down your staff, as your betters have done before you?
[Constabledrops his Staff.
Bal.Come, gentlemen, there needs no great ceremony in adjourning this court. Captain, you shall dine with me.
Kite.Come, Mr. Militia Serjeant, I shall silence you now, I believe, without your taking the law of me.
[Exeunt.
The Fields.EnterBrazenleading inLucymask'd.
The Fields.
EnterBrazenleading inLucymask'd.
Brazen.The Boat is just below here.
EnterWorthywith a Case of Pistols under his Arm.
EnterWorthywith a Case of Pistols under his Arm.
Wor.Here, Sir, take your choice.
[Going between 'em and offering them.
Brazen.What! Pistols! are they charg'd, my Dear?
Wor.With a brace of Bullets each.
Brazen.But I'm a Foot Officer, my Dear, and never use Pistols, the Sword is my way—and I won't be put out of my Road to please any Man.
Wor.Nor I neither, so have at you.
[Cocks one Pistol.
Brazen.Look'e, my Dear, I don't care for Pistols—Pray oblige me, and let us have a bout at Sharps; dam it, there's no parrying these Bullets.
Wor.Sir, if you han't your Belly full of these, the Swords shall come in for second Course.
Brazen.Why then Fire and Fury! I have eaten Smoak from the Mouth of a Cannon, Sir; don't think I fear Powder, for I live upon't. Let me see. [Takes one.] And now, Sir, how many Paces distant shall we fire?
Wor.Fire you when you please, I'll reserve my Shot till I am sure of you.
Brazen.Come, where's your Cloak?
Wor.Cloak! what d'ye mean?
Brazen.To fight upon, I always fight upon a Cloak, 'tis our way Abroad.
Lucy.Come, Gentlemen, I'll end the Strife.
[Unmasks.
Wor.Lucy!Take her.
Brazen.The Devil take me if I do Huzza! [Fires his Pistol.] D'ye hear, d'ye hear, you plaguy Harrydan, how those Bullets whistle, suppose they had been lodg'd in my Gizzard now!
Lucy.Pray, Sir, pardon me.
Brazen.I can't tell, Child, till I know whether my Money be safe, [Searching his Pockets.] Yes, yes, I do pardon you; but if I had you in the Rose Tavern, Covent-Garden, with three or four hearty Rakes, and three or four smart Napkins, I wou'd tell you another Story, my Dear.
[Exit.
Wor.And was Melinda privy to this?
Lucy.No, Sir, she wrote her Name upon a piece of Paper at the Fortune-tellers last Night, which I put in my Pocket, and so writ above it to the Captain.
Wor.And how came Melinda's Journey put off?
Lucy.At the Town's end she met Mr. Ballance's Steward, who told her that Mrs. Silvia was gone from her Father's, and no Body cou'd tell whither.
Wor.Silvia gone from her Father's! This will be News to Plume. Go home, and tell your Lady how near I was being shot for her.
[Exeunt.
EnterBalancewith a Napkin in his Hand, as risen from Dinner, andSteward.
EnterBalancewith a Napkin in his Hand, as risen from Dinner, andSteward.
Stew.We did not miss her till the evening, sir; and then, searching for her in the chamber that was my young master's, we found her clothes there; but the suit that your son left in the press, when he went to London, was gone.
Bal.The white, trimm'd with silver?
Stew.The same.
Bal.You ha'n't told that circumstance to any body?
Stew.To none but your worship.
Bal.And be sure you don't. Go into the dining-room, and tell Captain Plume that I beg to speak with him.
Stew.I shall.
[Exit.
Bal.Was ever man so imposed upon! I had her promise, indeed, that she would never dispose of herself without my consent—I have consented with a witness, given her away as my act and my deed—and this, I warrant, the captain thinks will pass. No, I shall never pardon him the villany, first, of robbing me of my daughter, and then the mean opinion he must have of me, to think that I could be so wretchedly imposed upon: her extravagant passion might encourage her in the attempt, but the contrivance must be his. I'll know the truth presently.
EnterPlume.
EnterPlume.
Pray, captain, what have you done with our young gentleman soldier?
Plume.He's at my quarters, I suppose, with the rest of my men.
Bal.Does he keep company with the common soldiers?
Plume.No, he's generally with me.
Bal.He lies with you, I presume?
Plume.No, 'faith; the young rogue fell in love with Rose, and has lain with her, I think, since she came to town.
Bal.So that between you both, Rose has been finely managed.
Plume.Upon my honour, sir, she had no harm from me.
Bal.All's safe, I find—Now, captain, you must know, that the young fellow's impudence in court was well grounded; he said I should heartily repent his being listed, and so I do, from my soul.
Plume.Ay! for what reason?
Bal.Because he is no less than what he said he was—born of as good a family as any in this county, and he is heir to twelve hundred pounds a-year.
Plume.I'm very glad to hear it—for I wanted but a man of that quality to make my company a perfect representative of the whole commons of England.
Bal.Won't you discharge him?
Plume.Not under a hundred pounds sterling.
Bal.You shall have it, for his father is my intimate friend.
Plume.Then you shall have him for nothing.
Bal.Nay, sir, you shall have your price.
Plume.Not a penny, sir; I value an obligation to you much above an hundred pounds.
Bal.Perhaps, sir, you shan't repent your generosity——Will you please to write his discharge in my pocket-book? [Gives his Book.] In the mean time, we'll send for the gentleman. Who waits there?
EnterSteward.
EnterSteward.
Go to the captain's lodging, and inquire for Mr. Wilful; tell him his captain wants him here immediately.
Serv.Sir, the gentleman's below at the door, inquiring for the captain.
Plume.Bid him come up. Here's the discharge, sir.
Bal.Sir, I thank you—'Tis plain he had no hand in't.[Aside.
EnterSylvia.
EnterSylvia.
Syl.I think, captain, you might have used me better, than to leave me yonder among your swearing drunken crew; and you, Mr. Justice, might have been so civil as to have invited me to dinner, for I have eaten with as good a man as your worship.
Plume.Sir, you must charge our want of respect upon our ignorance of your quality—but now you are at liberty, I have discharged you.
Syl.Discharged me!
Bal.Yes, sir, and you must once more go home to your father.
Syl.My father! then I am discovered——Oh, sir! [Kneeling.] I expect no pardon.
Bal.Pardon! no, no, child; your crime shall be your punishment: here, captain, I deliver her over to the conjugal power, for her chastisement. Since she will be a wife, be you a husband, a very husband—When she tells you of her love, upbraid her with her folly; be modishly ungrateful, because she has been unfashionably kind; and use her worse than you would any body else, because you can't use her so well as she deserves.
Plume.And are you, Sylvia, in good earnest?
Syl.Earnest! I have gone too far to make it jest, sir.
Plume.And do you give her to me in good earnest?
Bal.If you please to take her, sir.
Plume.Why then I have saved my legs and arms, and lost my liberty; secure from wounds, I am prepared for the gout; farewell subsistence, and welcome taxes—Sir, my liberty and the hope of being a general, are much dearer to me than your twelve hundred pounds a-year—but to your love, madam, I resign my freedom, and, to your beauty, my ambition—greater in obeying at your feet, than commanding at the head of an army.
EnterWorthy.
EnterWorthy.
Wor.I am sorry to hear, Mr. Balance, that your daughter is lost.
Bal.So am not I, sir, since an honest gentleman has found her.
EnterMelinda.
EnterMelinda.
Mel.Pray, Mr. Balance, what's become of my cousin Sylvia?
Bal.Your cousin Sylvia is talking yonder with your cousin Plume.
Mel. and Wor.How!
Syl.Do you think it strange, cousin, that a woman should change; but I hope you'll excuse a change that has proceeded from constancy: I altered my outside, because I was the same within, and only laid by the woman, to make sure of my man: that's my history.
Mel.Your history is a little romantic, cousin; but since success has crowned your adventures, you will have the world on your side, and I shall be willing to go with the tide, provided you'll pardon an injury I offered you in the letter to your father.
Plume.That injury, madam, was done to me, and the reparation I expect, shall be made to my friend: make Mr. Worthy happy, and I shall be satisfied.
Mel.A good example, sir, will go a great way—When my cousin is pleased to surrender, 'tis probable I shan't hold out much longer.
EnterBrazen.
EnterBrazen.
Brazen.Gentlemen, I am yours—Madam, I am not yours.
Mel.I'm glad on't, sir.
Brazen.So am I—You have got a pretty house here, Mr. Laconic.
Bal.'Tis time to right all mistakes—My name, sir, is Balance.
Brazen.Balance! Sir, I am your most obedient—I know your whole generation—had not you an uncle that was governor of the Leeward Islands, some years ago?
Bal.Did you know him?
Brazen.Intimately, sir, he played at billiards to a miracle—You had a brother too, that was a captain of a fire-ship—poor Dick—he had the most engaging way with him of making punch—and then his cabin was so neat—but his poor boy Jack was the most comical bastard—Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! a pickled dog, I shall never forget him.
Plume.Have you got your recruits, my dear?
Brazen.Not a stick, my dear!
Plume.Probably I shall furnish you, my dear! instead of the twenty thousand pounds you talked of, you shall have the twenty brave recruits that I have raised, at the rate they cost me——My commission I lay down, to be taken up by some braver fellow, that has more merit, and less good fortune—whilst I endeavour, by the example of this worthy gentleman, to serve my king and country at home.
With some regret I quit the active field,Where glory full reward for life does yield;But the recruiting trade, with all its trainOf endless plague, fatigue, and endless pain,I gladly quit, with my fair spouse to stay,And raise recruits the matrimonial way.[Exeunt omnes.
TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE
A number of obvious misspellings have been corrected and missing punctuation has been silently added. Contemporary spellings have generally been retained (e.g. but for butt, cieling, ideot, quinted for squinted). One character name appears in the text as both Tummus and Tummas.Two additional changes have been made and can be identified in the body of the text by a grey dotted underline: