ABSOLUTESir, I must repeat it—in this I cannot obey you.
Sir ANTHONYNow damn me! if ever I call you Jack again while I live!
ABSOLUTENay, sir, but hear me.
Sir ANTHONY Sir, I won't hear a word—not a word! not one word! so give me your promise by a nod—and I'll tell you what, Jack—I mean, you dog—if you don't, by——
ABSOLUTEWhat, sir, promise to link myself to some mass of ugliness! to——
Sir ANTHONY Zounds! sirrah! the lady shall be as ugly as I choose: she shall have a hump on each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the crescent; her one eye shall roll like the bull's in Cox's Museum; she shall have a skin like a mummy, and the beard of a Jew—she shall be all this, sirrah!—yet I will make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night to write sonnets on her beauty.
ABSOLUTEThis is reason and moderation indeed!
Sir ANTHONYNone of your sneering, puppy! no grinning, jackanapes!
ABSOLUTEIndeed, sir, I never was in a worse humour for mirth in my life.
Sir ANTHONY 'Tis false, sir, I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know you'll grin when I am gone, sirrah!
ABSOLUTESir, I hope I know my duty better.
Sir ANTHONY None of your passion, sir! none of your violence, if you please!—It won't do with me, I promise you.
ABSOLUTEIndeed, sir, I never was cooler in my life.
Sir ANTHONY 'Tis a confounded lie!—I know you are in a passion in your heart; I know you are, you hypocritical young dog! but it won't do.
ABSOLUTENay, sir, upon my word——
Sir ANTHONY So you will fly out! can't you be cool like me? What the devil good can passion do?—Passion is of no service, you impudent, insolent, overbearing reprobate!—There, you sneer again! don't provoke me!—but you rely upon the mildness of my temper—you do, you dog! you play upon the meekness of my disposition!—Yet take care—the patience of a saint may be overcome at last!—but mark! I give you six hours and a half to consider of this: if you then agree, without any condition, to do every thing on earth that I choose, why—confound you! I may in time forgive you.—If not, zounds! don't enter the same hemisphere with me! don't dare to breathe the same air, or use the same light with me; but get an atmosphere and a sun of your own! I'll strip you of your commission; I'll lodge a five-and-threepence in the hands of trustees, and you shall live on the interest.—I'll disown you, I'll disinherit you, I'll unget you! and damn me! if ever I call you Jack again! [Exit.]
ABSOLUTE Mild, gentle, considerate father—I kiss your hands!—What a tender method of giving his opinion in these matters Sir Anthony has! I dare not trust him with the truth.—I wonder what old wealthy hag it is that he wants to bestow on me!—Yet he married himself for love! and was in his youth a bold intriguer, and a gay companion!
[Re-enter FAG.]
FAG Assuredly, sir, your father is wrath to a degree; he comes down stairs eight or ten steps at a time—muttering, growling, and thumping the banisters all the way: I and the cook's dog stand bowing at the door—rap! he gives me a stroke on the head with his cane; bids me carry that to my master; then kicking the poor turnspit into the area, damns us all, for a puppy triumvirate!—Upon my credit, sir, were I in your place, and found my father such very bad company, I should certainly drop his acquaintance.
ABSOLUTE Cease your impertinence, sir, at present.—Did you come in for nothing more?—Stand out of the way! [Pushes him aside, and exit.]
FAG So! Sir Anthony trims my master; he is afraid to reply to his father—then vents his spleen on poor Fag!—When one is vexed by one person, to revenge one's self on another, who happens to come in the way, is the vilest injustice! Ah! it shows the worst temper—the basest——
[Enter BOY.]
BOYMr. Fag! Mr. Fag! your master calls you.
FAG Well, you little dirty puppy, you need not bawl so!—The meanest disposition! the——
BOYQuick, quick, Mr. Fag!
FAG Quick! quick! you impudent jackanapes! am I to be commanded by you too? you little impertinent, insolent, kitchen-bred—— [Exit kicking and beating him.]
* * * * * * *
LUCY So—I shall have another rival to add to my mistress's list—Captain Absolute. However, I shall not enter his name till my purse has received notice in form. Poor Acres is dismissed!—Well, I have done him a last friendly office, in letting him know that Beverley was here before him.—Sir Lucius is generally more punctual, when he expects to hear from hisdear Delia, as he calls her: I wonder he's not here!—I have a little scruple of conscience from this deceit; though I should not be paid so well, if my hero knew that Delia was near fifty, and her own mistress.
[Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.]
Sir LUCIUS Ha! my little ambassadress—upon my conscience, I have been looking for you; I have been on the South Parade this half hour.
LUCY [Speaking simply.] O gemini! and I have been waiting for your worship here on the North.
Sir LUCIUS Faith!—may be that was the reason we did not meet; and it is very comical too, how you could go out and I not see you—for I was only taking a nap at the Parade Coffee-house, and I chose the window on purpose that I might not miss you.
LUCYMy stars! Now I'd wager a sixpence I went by while you were asleep.
Sir LUCIUS Sure enough it must have been so—and I never dreamt it was so late, till I waked. Well, but my little girl, have you got nothing for me?
LUCYYes, but I have—I've got a letter for you in my pocket.
Sir LUCIUS O faith! I guessed you weren't come empty-handed—Well—let me see what the dear creature says.
LUCYThere, Sir Lucius. [Gives him a letter.]
Sir LUCIUS [Reads.]Sir—there is often a sudden incentive impulse in love, that has a greater induction than years of domestic combination: such was the commotion I felt at the first superfluous view of Sir Lucius O'Trigger.—Very pretty, upon my word.—Female punctuation forbids me to say more, yet let me add, that it will give me joy infallible to find Sir Lucius worthy the last criterion of my affections. Delia.Upon my conscience! Lucy, your lady is a great mistress of language. Faith, she's quite the queen of the dictionary!—for the devil a word dare refuse coming at her call—though one would think it was quite out of hearing.
LUCYAy, sir, a lady of her experience——
Sir LUCIUSExperience! what, at seventeen?
LUCY O true, sir—but then she reads so—my stars! how she will read off hand!
Sir LUCIUS Faith, she must be very deep read to write this way—though she is rather an arbitrary writer too—for here are a great many poor words pressed into the service of this note, that would get theirhabeas corpusfrom any court in Christendom.
LUCYAh! Sir Lucius, if you were to hear how she talks of you!
Sir LUCIUSOh, tell her I'll make her the best husband in the world, and LadyO'Trigger into the bargain!—But we must get the old gentlewoman'sconsent—and do every thing fairly.
LUCYNay, Sir Lucius, I thought you wa'n't rich enough to be so nice!
Sir LUCIUS Upon my word, young woman, you have hit it:—I am so poor, that I can't afford to do a dirty action.—If I did not want money, I'd steal your mistress and her fortune with a great deal of pleasure.—However, my pretty girl, [Gives her money] here's a little something to buy you a ribbon; and meet me in the evening, and I'll give you an answer to this. So, hussy, take a kiss beforehand to put you in mind. [Kisses her.]
LUCY O Lud! Sir Lucius—I never seed such a gemman! My lady won't like you if you're so impudent.
Sir LUCIUS Faith she will, Lucy!—That same—pho! what's the name of it?—modesty—is a quality in a lover more praised by the women than liked; so, if your mistress asks you whether Sir Lucius ever gave you a kiss, tell her fifty—my dear.
LUCYWhat, would you have me tell her a lie?
Sir LUCIUSAh, then, you baggage! I'll make it a truth presently.
LUCYFor shame now! here is some one coming.
Sir LUCIUSOh, faith, I'll quiet your conscience! [Exit, humming a tune.]
[Enter FAG.]
FAGSo, so, ma'am! I humbly beg pardon.
LUCYO Lud! now, Mr. Fag—you flurry one so.
FAG Come, come, Lucy, here's no one by—so a little less simplicity, with a grain or two more sincerity, if you please.—You play false with us, madam.—I saw you give the baronet a letter.—My master shall know this—and if he don't call him out, I will.
LUCY Ha! ha! ha! you gentlemen's gentlemen are so hasty.—That letter was from Mrs. Malaprop, simpleton.—She is taken with Sir Lucius's address.
FAG How! what tastes some people have!—Why, I suppose I have walked by her window a hundred times.—But what says our young lady? any message to my master?
LUCY Sad news. Mr. Fag.—A worse rival than Acres! Sir Anthony Absolute has proposed his son.
FAGWhat, Captain Absolute?
LUCYEven so—I overheard it all.
FAG Ha! ha! ha! very good, faith. Good-bye, Lucy, I must away with this news.
LUCYWell, you may laugh—but it is true, I assure you.—[Going.] But, Mr.Fag, tell your master not to be cast down by this.
FAGOh, he'll be so disconsolate!
LUCYAnd charge him not to think of quarrelling with young Absolute.
FAGNever fear! never fear!
LUCYBe sure—bid him keep up his spirits.
FAGWe will—we will.
[Exeunt severally.]
* * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * *
ABSOLUTE 'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed. Whimsical enough, faith! My father wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away with! He must not know of my connection with her yet awhile. He has too summary a method of proceeding in these matters. However, I'll read my recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed—but I can assure him it is very sincere. So, so—here he comes. He looks plaguy gruff. [Steps aside.]
[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]
Sir ANTHONY No—I'll die sooner than forgive him. Die, did I say? I'll live these fifty years to plague him. At our last meeting, his impudence had almost put me out of temper. An obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy! Who can he take after? This is my return for getting him before all his brothers and sisters!—for putting him, at twelve years old, into a marching regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds a year, besides his pay, ever since! But I have done with him; he's anybody's son for me. I never will see him more, never—never—never.
ABSOLUTE[Aside, coming forward.] Now for a penitential face.
Sir ANTHONYFellow, get out of my way!
ABSOLUTESir, you see a penitent before you.
Sir ANTHONYI see an impudent scoundrel before me.
ABSOLUTE A sincere penitent. I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error, and to submit entirely to your will.
Sir ANTHONYWhat's that?
ABSOLUTE I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your past goodness, and kindness, and condescension to me.
Sir ANTHONYWell, sir?
ABSOLUTE I have been likewise weighing and balancing what you were pleased to mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority.
Sir ANTHONYWell, puppy?
ABSOLUTE Why then, sir, the result of my reflections is—a resolution to sacrifice every inclination of my own to your satisfaction.
Sir ANTHONY Why now you talk sense—absolute sense—I never heard anything more sensible in my life. Confound you! you shall be Jack again.
ABSOLUTEI am happy in the appellation.
Sir ANTHONY Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented my telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture—prepare. What think you of Miss Lydia Languish?
ABSOLUTELanguish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire?
Sir ANTHONYWorcestershire! no. Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop and her niece,Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were lastordered to your regiment?
ABSOLUTEMalaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the namesbefore. Yet, stay—I think I do recollect something. Languish!Languish! She squints, don't she? A little red-haired girl?
Sir ANTHONYSquints! A red-haired girl! Zounds! no.
ABSOLUTEThen I must have forgot; it can't be the same person.
Sir ANTHONYJack! Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen?
ABSOLUTE As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. If I can please you in the matter, 'tis all I desire.
Sir ANTHONY Nay, but Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully irresolute! not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought of love! Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at the insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! O, Jack, lips smiling at their own discretion; and if not smiling, more sweetly pouting; more lovely in sullenness!
ABSOLUTE[Aside.] That's she, indeed. Well done, old gentleman.
Sir ANTHONYThen, Jack, her neck! O Jack! Jack!
ABSOLUTEAnd which is to be mine, sir, the niece, or the aunt?
Sir ANTHONY Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you! When I was of your age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket! The aunt indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have touched anything old or ugly to gain an empire.
ABSOLUTENot to please your father, sir?
Sir ANTHONY To please my father! zounds! not to please—Oh, my father—odd so!—yes—yes; if my father indeed had desired—that's quite another matter. Though he wa'n't the indulgent father that I am, Jack.
ABSOLUTEI dare say not, sir.
Sir ANTHONYBut, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so beautiful?
ABSOLUTE Sir, I repeat it—if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I desire. Not that I think a woman the worse for being handsome; but, sir, if you please to recollect, you before hinted something about a hump or two, one eye, and a few more graces of that kind—now, without being very nice, I own I should rather choose a wife of mine to have the usual number of limbs, and a limited quantity of back: and though one eye may be very agreeable, yet as the prejudice has always run in favour of two, I would not wish to affect a singularity in that article.
Sir ANTHONY What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you're an anchorite!—a vile, insensible stock. You a soldier!—you're a walking block, fit only to dust the company's regimentals on! Odds life! I have a great mind to marry the girl myself!
ABSOLUTE I am entirely at your disposal, sir: if you should think of addressing Miss Languish yourself, I suppose you would have me marry the aunt; or if you should change your mind, and take the old lady—'tis the same to me—I'll marry the niece.
Sir ANTHONY Upon my word, Jack, thou'rt either a very great hypocrite, or—but, come, I know your indifference on such a subject must be all a lie—I'm sure it must—come, now—damn your demure face!—come, confess Jack—you have been lying, ha'n't you? You have been playing the hypocrite, hey!—I'll never forgive you, if you ha'n't been lying and playing the hypocrite.
ABSOLUTE I'm sorry, sir, that the respect and duty which I bear to you should be so mistaken.
Sir ANTHONY Hang your respect and duty! But come along with me, I'll write a note to Mrs. Malaprop, and you shall visit the lady directly. Her eyes shall be the Promethean torch to you—come along, I'll never forgive you, if you don't come back stark mad with rapture and impatience—if you don't, egad, I will marry the girl myself!
[Exeunt.]
* * * * * * *
FAULKLAND They told me Julia would return directly; I wonder she is not yet come! How mean does this captious, unsatisfied temper of mine appear to my cooler judgment! Yet I know not that I indulge it in any other point: but on this one subject, and to this one subject, whom I think I love beyond my life, I am ever ungenerously fretful and madly capricious! I am conscious of it—yet I cannot correct myself! What tender honest joy sparkled in her eyes when we met! how delicate was the warmth of her expression! I was ashamed to appear less happy—though I had come resolved to wear a face of coolness and upbraiding. Sir Anthony's presence prevented my proposed expostulations: yet I must be satisfied that she has not been so very happy in my absence. She is coming! Yes!—I know the nimbleness of her tread, when she thinks her impatient Faulkland counts the moments of her stay.
[Enter JULIA.]
JULIAI had not hoped to see you again so soon.
FAULKLAND Could I, Julia, be contented with my first welcome—restrained as we were by the presence of a third person?
JULIA O Faulkland, when your kindness can make me thus happy, let me not think that I discovered something of coldness in your first salutation.
FAULKLAND 'Twas but your fancy, Julia. I was rejoiced to see you—to see you in such health. Sure I had no cause for coldness?
JULIA Nay, then, I see you have taken something ill. You must not conceal from me what it is.
FAULKLAND Well, then—shall I own to you that my joy at hearing of your health and arrival here, by your neighbour Acres, was somewhat damped by his dwelling much on the high spirits you had enjoyed in Devonshire—on your mirth—your singing—dancing, and I know not what! For such is my temper, Julia, that I should regard every mirthful moment in your absence as a treason to constancy. The mutual tear that steals down the cheek of parting lovers is a compact, that no smile shall live there till they meet again.
JULIA Must I never cease to tax my Faulkland with this teasing minute caprice? Can the idle reports of a silly boor weigh in your breast against my tried affections?
FAULKLAND They have no weight with me, Julia: No, no—I am happy if you have been so—yet only say, that you did not sing with mirth—say that you thought of Faulkland in the dance.
JULIA I never can be happy in your absence. If I wear a countenance of content, it is to show that my mind holds no doubt of my Faulkland's truth. If I seemed sad, it were to make malice triumph; and say, that I had fixed my heart on one, who left me to lament his roving, and my own credulity. Believe me, Faulkland, I mean not to upbraid you, when I say, that I have often dressed sorrow in smiles, lest my friends should guess whose unkindness had caused my tears.
FAULKLAND You were ever all goodness to me. Oh, I am a brute, when I but admit a doubt of your true constancy!
JULIA If ever without such cause from you, as I will not suppose possible, you find my affections veering but a point, may I become a proverbial scoff for levity and base ingratitude.
FAULKLAND Ah! Julia, that last word is grating to me. I would I had no title to your gratitude! Search your heart, Julia; perhaps what you have mistaken for love, is but the warm effusion of a too thankful heart.
JULIAFor what quality must I love you?
FAULKLAND For no quality! To regard me for any quality of mind or understanding, were only to esteem me. And for person—I have often wished myself deformed, to be convinced that I owed no obligation there for any part of your affection.
JULIA Where nature has bestowed a show of nice attention in the features of a man, he should laugh at it as misplaced. I have seen men, who in this vain article, perhaps, might rank above you; but my heart has never asked my eyes if it were so or not.
FAULKLAND Now this is not well from you, Julia—I despise person in a man—yet if you loved me as I wish, though I were an AEthiop, you'd think none so fair.
JULIA I see you are determined to be unkind! The contract which my poor father bound us in gives you more than a lover's privilege.
FAULKLAND Again, Julia, you raise ideas that feed and justify my doubts. I would not have been more free—no—I am proud of my restraint. Yet—yet—perhaps your high respect alone for this solemn compact has fettered your inclinations, which else had made a worthier choice. How shall I be sure, had you remained unbound in thought and promise, that I should still have been the object of your persevering love?
JULIA Then try me now. Let us be free as strangers as to what is past: my heart will not feel more liberty!
FAULKLAND There now! so hasty, Julia! so anxious to be free! If your love for me were fixed and ardent, you would not lose your hold, even though I wished it!
JULIAOh! you torture me to the heart! I cannot bear it.
FAULKLAND I do not mean to distress you. If I loved you less I should never give you an uneasy moment. But hear me. All my fretful doubts arise from this. Women are not used to weigh and separate the motives of their affections: the cold dictates of prudence, gratitude, or filial duty, may sometimes be mistaken for the pleadings of the heart. I would not boast—yet let me say, that I have neither age, person, nor character, to found dislike on; my fortune such as few ladies could be charged with indiscretion in the match. O Julia! when love receives such countenance from prudence, nice minds will be suspicious of its birth.
JULIA I know not whither your insinuations would tend:—but as they seem pressing to insult me, I will spare you the regret of having done so.—I have given you no cause for this! [Exit in tears.]
FAULKLAND In tears! Stay, Julia: stay but for a moment.—The door is fastened!—Julia!—my soul—but for one moment!—I hear her sobbing!—'Sdeath! what a brute am I to use her thus! Yet stay!—Ay—she is coming now:—how little resolution there is in a woman!—how a few soft words can turn them!—No, faith!—she is not coming either.—Why, Julia—my love—say but that you forgive me—come but to tell me that—now this is being too resentful. Stay! she is coming too—I thought she would—no steadiness in anything: her going away must have been a mere trick then—she shan't see that I was hurt by it.—I'll affect indifference—[Hums a tune; then listens.] No—zounds! she's not coming!—nor don't intend it, I suppose.—This is not steadiness, but obstinacy! Yet I deserve it.—What, after so long an absence to quarrel with her tenderness!—'twas barbarous and unmanly!—I should be ashamed to see her now.—I'll wait till her just resentment is abated—and when I distress her so again, may I lose her for ever! and be linked instead to some antique virago, whose gnawing passions, and long hoarded spleen, shall make me curse my folly half the day and all the night. [Exit.]
* * * * * * *
Mrs. MALAPROP Your being Sir Anthony's son, captain, would itself be a sufficient accommodation; but from the ingenuity of your appearance, I am convinced you deserve the character here given of you.
ABSOLUTE Permit me to say, madam, that as I never yet have had the pleasure of seeing Miss Languish, my principal inducement in this affair at present is the honour of being allied to Mrs. Malaprop; of whose intellectual accomplishments, elegant manners, and unaffected learning, no tongue is silent.
Mrs. MALAPROP Sir, you do me infinite honour! I beg, captain, you'll be seated.—[They sit.] Ah! few gentlemen, now-a-days, know how to value the ineffectual qualities in a woman! few think how a little knowledge becomes a gentlewoman!—Men have no sense now but for the worthless flower of beauty!
ABSOLUTE It is but too true, indeed, ma'am;—yet I fear our ladies should share the blame—they think our admiration of beauty so great, that knowledge in them would be superfluous. Thus, like garden-trees, they seldom show fruit, till time has robbed them of the more specious blossom.—Few, like Mrs. Malaprop and the orange-tree, are rich in both at once!
Mrs. MALAPROP Sir, you overpower me with good-breeding.—He is the very pine-apple of politeness!—You are not ignorant, captain, that this giddy girl has somehow contrived to fix her affections on a beggarly, strolling, eaves-dropping ensign, whom none of us have seen, and nobody knows anything of.
ABSOLUTE Oh, I have heard the silly affair before.—I'm not at all prejudiced against her on that account.
Mrs. MALAPROP You are very good and very considerate, captain. I am sure I have done everything in my power since I exploded the affair; long ago I laid my positive conjunctions on her, never to think on the fellow again;—I have since laid Sir Anthony's preposition before her; but, I am sorry to say, she seems resolved to decline every particle that I enjoin her.
ABSOLUTEIt must be very distressing, indeed, ma'am.
Mrs. MALAPROP Oh! it gives me the hydrostatics to such a degree.—I thought she had persisted from corresponding with him; but, behold, this very day, I have interceded another letter from the fellow; I believe I have it in my pocket.
ABSOLUTE[Aside.] Oh, the devil! my last note.
Mrs. MALAPROPAy, here it is.
ABSOLUTE[Aside.] Ay, my note indeed! O the little traitress Lucy.
Mrs. MALAPROPThere, perhaps you may know the writing. [Gives him the letter.]
ABSOLUTE I think I have seen the hand before—yes, I certainly must have seen this hand before——
Mrs. MALAPROPNay, but read it, captain.
ABSOLUTE[Reads.]My soul's idol, my adored Lydia!—Very tender, indeed!
Mrs. MALAPROPTender! ay, and profane too, o' my conscience.
ABSOLUTE [Reads.]I am excessively alarmed at the intelligence you send me, the more so as my new rival——
Mrs. MALAPROPThat's you, sir.
ABSOLUTE [Reads.]Has universally the character of being an accomplished gentleman and a man of honour.—Well, that's handsome enough.
Mrs. MALAPROPOh, the fellow has some design in writing so.
ABSOLUTEThat he had, I'll answer for him, ma'am.
Mrs. MALAPROPBut go on, sir—you'll see presently.
ABSOLUTE [Reads.]As for the old weather-beaten she-dragon who guards you—Who can he mean by that?
Mrs. MALAPROP Me, sir!—me!—he means me!—There—what do you think now?—but go on a little further.
ABSOLUTE Impudent scoundrel!—[Reads.]it shall go hard but I will elude her vigilance, as I am told that the same ridiculous vanity, which makes her dress up her coarse features, and deck her dull chat with hard words which she don't understand——
Mrs. MALAPROP There, sir, an attack upon my language! what do you think of that?—an aspersion upon my parts of speech! was ever such a brute! Sure, if I reprehend any thing in this world, it is the use of my oracular tongue, and a nice derangement of epitaphs!
ABSOLUTE He deserves to be hanged and quartered! let me see—[Reads.]same ridiculous vanity——
Mrs. MALAPROPYou need not read it again, sir.
ABSOLUTE I beg pardon, ma'am.—[Reads.]does also lay her open to the grossest deceptions from flattery and pretended admiration—an impudent coxcomb!—so that I have a scheme to see you shortly with the old harridan's consent, and even to make her a go-between in our interview.—Was ever such assurance!
Mrs. MALAPROP Did you ever hear anything like it?—he'll elude my vigilance, will he—yes, yes! ha! ha! he's very likely to enter these doors;—we'll try who can plot best!
ABSOLUTE So we will, ma'am—so we will! Ha! ha! ha! a conceited puppy, ha! ha! ha!—Well, but Mrs. Malaprop, as the girl seems so infatuated by this fellow, suppose you were to wink at her corresponding with him for a little time—let her even plot an elopement with him—then do you connive at her escape—while I, just in the nick, will have the fellow laid by the heels, and fairly contrive to carry her off in his stead.
Mrs. MALAPROPI am delighted with the scheme; never was anything better perpetrated!
ABSOLUTE But, pray, could not I see the lady for a few minutes now?—I should like to try her temper a little.
Mrs. MALAPROP Why, I don't know—I doubt she is not prepared for a visit of this kind. There is a decorum in these matters.
ABSOLUTEO Lord! she won't mind me—only tell her Beverley——
Mrs. MALAPROPSir!
ABSOLUTE[Aside.] Gently, good tongue.
Mrs. MALAPROPWhat did you say of Beverley?
ABSOLUTE Oh, I was going to propose that you should tell her, by way of jest, that it was Beverley who was below; she'd come down fast enough then—ha! ha! ha!
Mrs. MALAPROP 'Twould be a trick she well deserves; besides, you know the fellow tells her he'll get my consent to see her—ha! ha! Let him if he can, I say again. Lydia, come down here!—[Calling.] He'll make me a go-between in their interviews!—ha! ha! ha! Come down, I say, Lydia! I don't wonder at your laughing, ha! ha! ha! his impudence is truly ridiculous.
ABSOLUTE'Tis very ridiculous, upon my soul, ma'am, ha! ha! ha!
Mrs. MALAPROPThe little hussy won't hear. Well, I'll go and tell her at once who itis—she shall know that Captain Absolute is come to wait on her. AndI'll make her behave as becomes a young woman.
ABSOLUTEAs you please, ma'am.
Mrs. MALAPROP For the present, captain, your servant. Ah! you've not done laughing yet, I see—elude my vigilance; yes, yes; ha! ha! ha! [Exit.]
ABSOLUTE Ha! ha! ha! one would think now that I might throw off all disguise at once, and seize my prize with security; but such is Lydia's caprice, that to undeceive were probably to lose her. I'll see whether she knows me. [Walks aside, and seems engaged in looking at the pictures.]
[Enter LYDIA.]
LYDIA What a scene am I now to go through! surely nothing can be more dreadful than to be obliged to listen to the loathsome addresses of a stranger to one's heart. I have heard of girls persecuted as I am, who have appealed in behalf of their favoured lover to the generosity of his rival—suppose I were to try it—there stands the hated rival—an officer too!—but oh, how unlike my Beverley! I wonder he don't begin—truly he seems a very negligent wooer!—quite at his ease, upon my word!—I'll speak first—Mr. Absolute.
ABSOLUTEMa'am. [Turns round.]
LYDIAO heavens! Beverley!
ABSOLUTEHush;—hush, my life! softly! be not surprised!
LYDIA I am so astonished! and so terrified! and so overjoyed!—for Heaven's sake! how came you here?
ABSOLUTE Briefly, I have deceived your aunt—I was informed that my new rival was to visit here this evening, and contriving to have him kept away, have passed myself on her for Captain Absolute.
LYDIAO charming! And she really takes you for young Absolute?
ABSOLUTEOh, she's convinced of it.
LYDIA Ha! ha! ha! I can't forbear laughing to think how her sagacity is overreached!
ABSOLUTE But we trifle with our precious moments—such another opportunity may not occur; then let me now conjure my kind, my condescending angel, to fix the time when I may rescue her from undeserving persecution, and with a licensed warmth plead for my reward.
LYDIA Will you then, Beverley, consent to forfeit that portion of my paltry wealth?—that burden on the wings of love?
ABSOLUTE Oh, come to me—rich only thus—in loveliness! Bring no portion to me but thy love—'twill be generous in you, Lydia—for well you know, it is the only dower your poor Beverley can repay.
LYDIA [Aside.] How persuasive are his words!—how charming will poverty be with him!
ABSOLUTE Ah! my soul, what a life will we then live! Love shall be our idol and support! we will worship him with a monastic strictness; abjuring all worldly toys, to centre every thought and action there. Proud of calamity, we will enjoy the wreck of wealth; while the surrounding gloom of adversity shall make the flame of our pure love show doubly bright. By Heavens! I would fling all goods of fortune from me with a prodigal hand, to enjoy the scene where I might clasp my Lydia to my bosom, and say, the world affords no smile to me but here—[Embracing her.] [Aside.] If she holds out now, the devil is in it!
LYDIA [Aside.] Now could I fly with him to the antipodes! but my persecution is not yet come to a crisis.
[Re-enter Mrs. MALAPROP, listening.]
Mrs. MALAPROP[Aside.] I am impatient to know how the little hussy deports herself.
ABSOLUTESo pensive, Lydia!—is then your warmth abated?
Mrs. MALAPROP[Aside.] Warmth abated!—so!—she has been in a passion, I suppose.
LYDIANo—nor ever can while I have life.
Mrs. MALAPROP [Aside.] An ill tempered little devil! She'll be in a passion all her life—will she?
LYDIA Think not the idle threats of my ridiculous aunt can ever have any weight with me.
Mrs. MALAPROP[Aside.] Very dutiful, upon my word!
LYDIALet her choice be Captain Absolute, but Beverley is mine.
Mrs. MALAPROP [Aside.] I am astonished at her assurance!—to his face—this is to his face!
ABSOLUTEThus then let me enforce my suit. [Kneeling.]
Mrs. MALAPROP [Aside.] Ay, poor young man!—down on his knees entreating for pity!—I can contain no longer.—[Coming forward.] Why, thou vixen!—I have overheard you.
ABSOLUTE[Aside.] Oh, confound her vigilance!
Mrs. MALAPROP Captain Absolute, I know not how to apologize for her shocking rudeness.
ABSOLUTE [Aside.] So all's safe, I find.—[Aloud.] I have hopes, madam, that time will bring the young lady——
Mrs. MALAPROP Oh, there's nothing to be hoped for from her! she's as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of Nile.
LYDIANay, madam, what do you charge me with now?
Mrs. MALAPROP Why, thou unblushing rebel—didn't you tell this gentleman to his face that you loved another better?—didn't you say you never would be his?
LYDIANo, madam—I did not.
Mrs. MALAPROP Good heavens! what assurance!—Lydia, Lydia, you ought to know that lying don't become a young woman!—Didn't you boast that Beverley, that stroller Beverley, possessed your heart?—Tell me that, I say.
LYDIA'Tis true, ma'am, and none but Beverley——
Mrs. MALAPROPHold!—hold, Assurance!—you shall not be so rude.
ABSOLUTE Nay, pray, Mrs. Malaprop, don't stop the young lady's speech: she's very welcome to talk thus—it does not hurt me in the least, I assure you.
Mrs. MALAPROP You are too good, captain—too amiably patient—but come with me, miss.—Let us see you again soon, captain—remember what we have fixed.
ABSOLUTEI shall, ma'am.
Mrs. MALAPROPCome, take a graceful leave of the gentleman.
LYDIAMay every blessing wait on my Beverley, my loved Bev——
Mrs. MALAPROPHussy! I'll choke the word in your throat!—come along—come along.
[Exeunt severally; CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE kissing his hand to LYDIA—Mrs.MALAPROP stopping her from speaking.]
* * * * * * *
ACRESIndeed, David—do you think I become it so?
DAVID You are quite another creature, believe me, master, by the mass! an' we've any luck we shall see the Devon mon kerony in all the print-shops in Bath!
ACRESDress does make a difference, David.
DAVID'Tis all in all, I think.—Difference! why, an' you were to go now toClod-Hall, I am certain the old lady wouldn't know you: Master Butlerwouldn't believe his own eyes, and Mrs. Pickle would cry, Lard presarveme! our dairy-maid would come giggling to the door, and I warrant DollyTester, your honour's favourite, would blush like my waistcoat.—Oons!I'll hold a gallon, there ain't a dog in the house but would bark, andI question whether Phillis would wag a hair of her tail!
ACRESAy, David, there's nothing like polishing.
DAVIDSo I says of your honour's boots; but the boy never heeds me!
ACRES But, David, has Mr. De-la-grace been here? I must rub up my balancing, and chasing, and boring.
DAVIDI'll call again, sir.
ACRESDo—and see if there are any letters for me at the post-office.
DAVID I will.—By the mass, I can't help looking at your head!—if I hadn't been by at the cooking, I wish I may die if I should have known the dish again myself! [Exit.]
ACRES [Practising a dancing-step.] Sink, slide—coupee.—Confound the first inventors of cotillions! say I—they are as bad as algebra to us country gentlemen—I can walk a minuet easy enough when I am forced!—and I have been accounted a good stick in a country-dance.—Odds jigs and tabors! I never valued your cross-over to couple—figure in—right and left—and I'd foot it with e'er a captain in the county!—but these outlandish heathen allemandes and cotillions are quite beyond me!—I shall never prosper at 'em, that's sure—mine are true-born English legs—they don't understand their curst French lingo!—theirpasthis, andpasthat, andpast'other!—damn me! my feet don't like to be called paws! no, 'tis certain I have most Antigallican toes!
[Enter SERVANT.]
SERVANTHere is Sir Lucius O'Trigger to wait on you, sir.
ACRESShow him in.
[Exit SERVANT.]
[Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.]
Sir LUCIUSMr. Acres, I am delighted to embrace you.
ACRESMy dear Sir Lucius, I kiss your hands.
Sir LUCIUSPray, my friend, what has brought you so suddenly to Bath?
ACRES Faith! I have followed Cupid's Jack-a-lantern, and find myself in a quagmire at last.—In short, I have been very ill used, Sir Lucius.—I don't choose to mention names, but look on me as on a very ill-used gentleman.
Sir LUCIUSPray what is the case?—I ask no names.
ACRES Mark me, Sir Lucius, I fall as deep as need be in love with a young lady—her friends take my part—I follow her to Bath—send word of my arrival; and receive answer, that the lady is to be otherwise disposed of.—This, Sir Lucius, I call being ill-used.
Sir LUCIUSVery ill, upon my conscience.—Pray, can you divine the cause of it?
ACRES Why, there's the matter; she has another lover, one Beverley, who, I am told, is now in Bath.—Odds slanders and lies! he must be at the bottom of it.
Sir LUCIUS A rival in the case, is there?—and you think he has supplanted you unfairly?
ACRESUnfairly! to be sure he has. He never could have done it fairly.
Sir LUCIUSThen sure you know what is to be done!
ACRESNot I, upon my soul!
Sir LUCIUSWe wear no swords here, but you understand me.
ACRESWhat! fight him!
Sir LUCIUSAy, to be sure: what can I mean else?
ACRESBut he has given me no provocation.
Sir LUCIUS Now, I think he has given you the greatest provocation in the world. Can a man commit a more heinous offence against another than to fall in love with the same woman? Oh, by my soul! it is the most unpardonable breach of friendship.
ACRESBreach of friendship! ay, ay; but I have no acquaintance with this man.I never saw him in my life.
Sir LUCIUS That's no argument at all—he has the less right then to take such a liberty.
ACRES Gad, that's true—I grow full of anger, Sir Lucius!—I fire apace! Odds hilts and blades! I find a man may have a deal of valour in him, and not know it! But couldn't I contrive to have a little right of my side?
Sir LUCIUS What the devil signifies right, when your honour is concerned? Do you think Achilles, or my little Alexander the Great, ever inquired where the right lay? No, by my soul, they drew their broad-swords, and left the lazy sons of peace to settle the justice of it.
ACRES Your words are a grenadier's march to my heart! I believe courage must be catching! I certainly do feel a kind of valour rising as it were—a kind of courage, as I may say.—Odds flints, pans, and triggers! I'll challenge him directly.
Sir LUCIUS Ah, my little friend, if I had Blunderbuss Hall here, I could show you a range of ancestry, in the O'Trigger line, that would furnish the new room; every one of whom had killed his man!—For though the mansion-house and dirty acres have slipped through my fingers, I thank heaven our honour and the family-pictures are as fresh as ever.
ACRES O, Sir Lucius! I have had ancestors too!—every man of 'em colonel or captain in the militia!—Odds balls and barrels! say no more—I'm braced for it. The thunder of your words has soured the milk of human kindness in my breast;—Zounds! as the man in the play says,I could do such deeds!
Sir LUCIUS Come, come, there must be no passion at all in the case—these things should always be done civilly.
ACRES I must be in a passion, Sir Lucius—I must be in a rage.—Dear Sir Lucius, let me be in a rage, if you love me. Come, here's pen and paper.—[Sits down to write.] I would the ink were red!—Indite, I say, indite!—How shall I begin? Odds bullets and blades! I'll write a good bold hand, however.
Sir LUCIUSPray compose yourself.
ACRES Come—now, shall I begin with an oath? Do, Sir Lucius, let me begin with a damme.
Sir LUCIUS Pho! pho! do the thing decently, and like a Christian. Begin now—Sir ——
ACRESThat's too civil by half.
Sir LUCIUSTo prevent the confusion that might arise——
ACRESWell——
Sir LUCIUSFrom our both addressing the same lady——
ACRESAy, there's the reason—samelady—well——
Sir LUCIUSI shall expect the honour of your company——
ACRESZounds! I'm not asking him to dinner.
Sir LUCIUSPray be easy.
ACRESWell, then,honour of your company——
Sir LUCIUSTo settle our pretensions——
ACRESWell.
Sir LUCIUSLet me see, ay, King's-Mead-Fields will do—in King's-Mead-Fields.
ACRES So, that's done—Well, I'll fold it up presently; my own crest—a hand and dagger shall be the seal.
Sir LUCIUS You see now this little explanation will put a stop at once to all confusion or misunderstanding that might arise between you.
ACRESAy, we fight to prevent any misunderstanding.
Sir LUCIUS Now, I'll leave you to fix your own time.—Take my advice, and you'll decide it this evening if you can; then let the worst come of it, 'twill be off your mind to-morrow.
ACRESVery true.
Sir LUCIUS So I shall see nothing of you, unless it be by letter, till the evening.—I would do myself the honour to carry your message; but, to tell you a secret, I believe I shall have just such another affair on my own hands. There is a gay captain here, who put a jest on me lately, at the expense of my country, and I only want to fall in with the gentleman, to call him out.
ACRES By my valour, I should like to see you fight first! Odds life! I should like to see you kill him if it was only to get a little lesson.
Sir LUCIUS I shall be very proud of instructing you.—Well for the present—but remember now, when you meet your antagonist, do every thing in a mild and agreeable manner.—Let your courage be as keen, but at the same time as polished, as your sword.
[Exeunt severally.]
* * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * *
DAVIDThen, by the mass, sir! I would do no such thing—ne'er a Sir LuciusO'Trigger in the kingdom should make me fight, when I wasn't so minded.Oons! what will the old lady say, when she hears o't?
ACRES Ah! David, if you had heard Sir Lucius!—Odds sparks and flames! he would have roused your valour.
DAVID Not he, indeed. I hate such bloodthirsty cormorants. Look'ee, master, if you wanted a bout at boxing, quarter staff, or short-staff, I should never be the man to bid you cry off: but for your curst sharps and snaps, I never knew any good come of 'em.
ACRESBut my honour, David, my honour! I must be very careful of my honour.
DAVID Ay, by the mass! and I would be very careful of it; and I think in return my honour couldn't do less than to be very careful of me.
ACRESOdds blades! David, no gentleman will ever risk the loss of his honour!
DAVID I say then, it would be but civil in honour never to risk the loss of a gentleman.—Look'ee, master, this honour seems to me to be a marvellous false friend: ay, truly, a very courtier-like servant.—Put the case, I was a gentleman (which, thank God, no one can say of me;) well—my honour makes me quarrel with another gentleman of my acquaintance.—So—we fight. (Pleasant enough that!) Boh!—I kill him—(the more's my luck!) now, pray who gets the profit of it?—Why, my honour. But put the case that he kills me!—by the mass! I go to the worms, and my honour whips over to my enemy.
ACRES No, David—in that case!—odds crowns and laurels! your honour follows you to the grave.
DAVIDNow, that's just the place where I could make a shift to do without it.
ACRESZounds! David, you are a coward!—It doesn't become my valour to listento you.—What, shall I disgrace my ancestors?—Think of that,David—think what it would be to disgrace my ancestors!
DAVID Under favour, the surest way of not disgracing them, is to keep as long as you can out of their company. Look'ee now, master, to go to them in such haste—with an ounce of lead in your brains—I should think might as well be let alone. Our ancestors are very good kind of folks; but they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with.
ACRES But, David, now, you don't think there is such very, very, very great danger, hey?—Odds life! people often fight without any mischief done!
DAVID By the mass, I think 'tis ten to one against you!—Oons! here to meet some lion-headed fellow, I warrant, with his damned double-barrelled swords, and cut-and-thrust pistols!—Lord bless us! it makes me tremble to think o't—Those be such desperate bloody-minded weapons! Well, I never could abide 'em!—from a child I never could fancy 'em!—I suppose there an't been so merciless a beast in the world as your loaded pistol!
ACRESZounds! I won't be afraid!—Odds fire and fury! you shan't make meafraid.—Here is the challenge, and I have sent for my dear friend JackAbsolute to carry it for me.
DAVID Ay, i' the name of mischief, let him be the messenger.—For my part I wouldn't lend a hand to it for the best horse in your stable. By the mass! it don't look like another letter! It is, as I may say, a designing and malicious-looking letter; and I warrant smells of gunpowder like a soldier's pouch!—Oons! I wouldn't swear it mayn't go off!
ACRESOut, you poltroon! you ha'n't the valour of a grasshopper.
DAVID Well, I say no more—'twill be sad news, to be sure, at Clod-Hall! but I ha' done.—How Phillis will howl when she hears of it!—Ay, poor bitch, she little thinks what shooting her master's going after! And I warrant old Crop, who has carried your honour, field and road, these ten years, will curse the hour he was born. [Whimpering.]
ACRES It won't do, David—I am determined to fight—so get along you coward, while I'm in the mind.
[Enter SERVANT.]
SERVANTCaptain Absolute, sir.
ACRESOh! show him up.
[Exit SERVANT.]
DAVIDWell, Heaven send we be all alive this time to-morrow.
ACRESWhat's that?—Don't provoke me, David!
DAVIDGood-bye, master. [Whimpering.]
ACRESGet along, you cowardly, dastardly, croaking raven!
[Exit DAVID.]
[Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]
ABSOLUTEWhat's the matter, Bob?
ACRES A vile, sheep-hearted blockhead! If I hadn't the valour of St. George and the dragon to boot——
ABSOLUTEBut what did you want with me, Bob?
ACRESOh!—There—— [Gives him the challenge.]
ABSOLUTE [Aside.] To Ensign Beverley.—So, what's going on now?—[Aloud.] Well, what's this?
ACRESA challenge!
ABSOLUTEIndeed! Why, you won't fight him; will you, Bob?
ACRES Egad, but I will, Jack. Sir Lucius has wrought me to it. He has left me full of rage—and I'll fight this evening, that so much good passion mayn't be wasted.
ABSOLUTEBut what have I to do with this?
ACRES Why, as I think you know something of this fellow, I want you to find him out for me, and give him this mortal defiance.
ABSOLUTEWell, give it to me, and trust me he gets it.
ACRES Thank you, my dear friend, my dear Jack; but it is giving you a great deal of trouble.
ABSOLUTENot in the least—I beg you won't mention it.—No trouble in the world,I assure you.
ACRES You are very kind.—What it is to have a friend!—You couldn't be my second, could you, Jack?
ABSOLUTEWhy no, Bob—not in this affair—it would not be quite so proper.
ACRES Well, then, I must get my friend Sir Lucius. I shall have your good wishes, however, Jack?
ABSOLUTEWhenever he meets you, believe me.
[Re-enter SERVANT.]
SERVANTSir Anthony Absolute is below, inquiring for the captain.
ABSOLUTEI'll come instantly.——
[Exit SERVANT.]
Well, my little hero, success attend you. [Going.]
ACRES——Stay—stay, Jack.—If Beverley should ask you what kind of a manyour friend Acres is, do tell him I am a devil of a fellow—will you,Jack?
ABSOLUTETo be sure I shall. I'll say you are a determined dog—hey, Bob!
ACRES Ah, do, do—and if that frightens him, egad, perhaps he mayn't come. So tell him I generally kill a man a week; will you, Jack?
ABSOLUTEI will, I will; I'll say you are called in the country Fighting Bob.
ACRES Right—right—'tis all to prevent mischief; for I don't want to take his life if I clear my honour.
ABSOLUTENo!—that's very kind of you.
ACRESWhy, you don't wish me to kill him—do you, Jack?
ABSOLUTENo, upon my soul, I do not. But a devil of a fellow, hey? [Going.]
ACRES True, true—but stay—stay, Jack—you may add, that you never saw me in such a rage before—a most devouring rage!
ABSOLUTEI will, I will.
ACRESRemember, Jack—a determined dog!
ABSOLUTEAy, ay, Fighting Bob!
[Exeunt severally.]
* * * * * * *
Mrs. MALAPROP Why, thou perverse one!—tell me what you can object to him? Isn't he a handsome man?—tell me that. A genteel man? a pretty figure of a man?
LYDIA[Aside.] She little thinks whom she is praising!—[Aloud.] So isBeverley, ma'am.
Mrs. MALAPROP No caparisons, miss, if you please. Caparisons don't become a young woman. No! Captain Absolute is indeed a fine gentleman!
LYDIA[Aside.] Ay, the Captain Absolute you have seen.
Mrs. MALAPROP Then he's so well bred;—so full of alacrity, and adulation!—and has so much to say for himself:—in such good language, too! His physiognomy so grammatical! Then his presence is so noble! I protest, when I saw him, I thought of what Hamlet says in the play:— "Hesperian curls—the front of Job himself!— An eye, like March, to threaten at command!— A station, like Harry Mercury, new——" Something about kissing—on a hill—however, the similitude struck me directly.
LYDIA [Aside.] How enraged she'll be presently, when she discovers her mistake!
[Enter SERVANT.]
SERVANTSir Anthony and Captain Absolute are below, ma'am.
Mrs. MALAPROPShow them up here.——
[Exit SERVANT.]
Now, Lydia, I insist on your behaving as becomes a young woman. Show your good breeding, at least, though you have forgot your duty.
LYDIA Madam, I have told you my resolution!—I shall not only give him no encouragement, but I won't even speak to, or look at him. [Flings herself into a chair, with her face from the door.]
[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]
Sir ANTHONY Here we are, Mrs. Malaprop; come to mitigate the frowns of unrelenting beauty,—and difficulty enough I had to bring this fellow.—I don't know what's the matter; but if I had not held him by force, he'd have given me the slip.
Mrs. MALAPROP You have infinite trouble, Sir Anthony, in the affair. I am ashamed for the cause!—[Aside to LYDIA.] Lydia, Lydia, rise, I beseech you!—pay your respects!
Sir ANTHONY I hope, madam, that Miss Languish has reflected on the worth of this gentleman, and the regard due to her aunt's choice, and my alliance.—[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Now, Jack, speak to her.
ABSOLUTE [Aside.] What the devil shall I do!—[Aside to Sir ANTHONY.] You see, sir, she won't even look at me whilst you are here. I knew she wouldn't! I told you so. Let me entreat you, sir, to leave us together! [Seems to expostulate with his father.]
LYDIA [Aside.] I wonder I ha'n't heard my aunt exclaim yet! sure she can't have looked at him!—perhaps the regimentals are alike, and she is something blind.
Sir ANTHONYI say, sir, I won't stir a foot yet!
Mrs. MALAPROP I am sorry to say, Sir Anthony, that my affluence over my niece is very small.—[Aside to LYDIA.] Turn round, Lydia: I blush for you!
Sir ANTHONY May I not flatter myself, that Miss Languish will assign what cause of dislike she can have to my son!—[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Why don't you begin, Jack?—Speak, you puppy—speak!
Mrs. MALAPROP It is impossible, Sir Anthony, she can have any. She will not say she has.—[Aside to LYDIA.] Answer, hussy! why don't you answer?
Sir ANTHONY Then, madam, I trust that a childish and hasty predilection will be no bar to Jack's happiness.—[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Zounds! sirrah! why don't you speak?
LYDIA [Aside.] I think my lover seems as little inclined to conversation as myself.—How strangely blind my aunt must be!
ABSOLUTE Hem! hem! madam—hem!—[Attempts to speak, then returns to Sir ANTHONY.] Faith! sir, I am so confounded!—and—so—so—confused!—I told you I should be so, sir—I knew it.—The—the—tremor of my passion entirely takes away my presence of mind.
Sir ANTHONY But it don't take away your voice, fool, does it?—Go up, and speak to her directly!
[CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE makes signs to Mrs. MALAPROP to leave them together.]
Mrs. MALAPROP Sir Anthony, shall we leave them together?—[Aside to LYDIA.] Ah! you stubborn little vixen!
Sir ANTHONY Not yet, ma'am, not yet!—[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] What the devil are you at? unlock your jaws, sirrah, or——
ABSOLUTE [Aside.] Now Heaven send she may be too sullen to look round!—I must disguise my voice.—[Draws near LYDIA, and speaks in a low hoarse tone.] Will not Miss Languish lend an ear to the mild accents of true love? Will not——
Sir ANTHONY What the devil ails the fellow? why don't you speak out?—not stand croaking like a frog in a quinsy!
ABSOLUTEThe—the—excess of my awe, and my—my—my modesty, quite choke me!
Sir ANTHONY Ah! your modesty again!—I'll tell you what, Jack; if you don't speak out directly, and glibly too, I shall be in such a rage!—Mrs. Malaprop, I wish the lady would favour us with something more than a side-front.
[Mrs. MALAPROP seems to chide LYDIA.]
ABSOLUTE [Aside.] So all will out, I see!—[Goes up to LYDIA, speaks softly.] Be not surprised, my Lydia, suppress all surprise at present.
LYDIA[Aside.] Heavens! 'tis Beverley's voice! Sure he can't have imposed onSir Anthony too!—[Looks round by degrees, then starts up.] Is thispossible!—my Beverley!—how can this be?—my Beverley?
ABSOLUTE[Aside.] Ah! 'tis all over.
Sir ANTHONY Beverley!—the devil—Beverley!—What can the girl mean?—this is my son, Jack Absolute.
Mrs. MALAPROP For shame, hussy! for shame! your head runs so on that fellow, that you have him always in your eyes!—beg Captain Absolute's pardon directly.
LYDIAI see no Captain Absolute, but my loved Beverley!
Sir ANTHONYZounds! the girl's mad!—her brain's turned by reading.
Mrs. MALAPROP O' my conscience, I believe so!—What do you mean by Beverley, hussy?—You saw Captain Absolute before to-day; there he is—your husband that shall be.
LYDIAWith all my soul, ma'am—when I refuse my Beverley——
Sir ANTHONY Oh! she's as mad as Bedlam!—or has this fellow been playing us a rogue's trick!—Come here, sirrah, who the devil are you?
ABSOLUTE Faith, sir, I am not quite clear myself; but I'll endeavour to recollect.