V. BOOK OF BACHELORSVERILY, VERILY, MYDAUGHTER, THE FOOLHATH SAID IN HERHEART, “ALL MENSHOULD MARRY! FORTHERE IS A REASONFOR EVERYTHINGUNDER THE SUN, SAVEABACHELOR”BOOK OF BACHELORSCHAPTER ONEGoto, my Daughter. Knowest thou a man who hath lived long in a bachelor flat? Then beware of him! For his ways are full of guile and he hath not a thrill left.Alas, the bachelor flat is a curse sent upon Woman. For, lo, though a man hath dwelt in the back hall-room of a boarding-house for many years and hath suffered all its untold horrors, the moment he taketh a flat the sweet feminine thing seeketh him out and yearneth to make him “comfortable”.And his days are made sad with sofa pillows and towel racks, and picture frames, and shaving-pads, and foot-stools, until his house resembleth a bargain counter, or the spoils from the harem of a sacked city.He groaneth when he seeketh in corners for a spot wherein to place his forty-seventh cushion; he curseth when he returneth after dark and falleth over tabourets andotherevidences of thepursuit of man; he laugheth as he borroweth old socks from his men friends that he may supplyallof those whodesire to do his mending. And to him, in matters of love, there is nothing new under the sun.For the man that weddeth a widow is number two, but the woman that weddeth a bachelor-flatee is numberforty-two.And when she mendeth his coat and patteth his pillow; when she kisseth him in the cleft within his chin and runneth her fingers through his hair, he feeleth no thrill. For these are unto him but as a tale that hath been many times told.Verily, his sentiments are frayed at the edges and his emotions worn thin with usage. His heart is patched in many places and his illusions are as last year’s roses—withered.Yea, his love is but as warmed-over pudding or cold veal served upon the second day; even as second-hand furniture, whereof the interior is motheaten.But he is better thannothing.CHAPTER TWOVerily, verily, my Daughter, the fool hath said in her heart, “All men should marry! For there is a reason for everything under the sun, save abachelor.”But I have gone among the bachelors, questioning them, young and old; and I say unto thee, the “reasons” why a man taketh astimulantare not more numerous and wonderful than the reasons why he doth not marry.Behold, he doth not marry:Because he is tooyoung.Because he is tooold.Because he hath notthoughtabout it.Because he hath thoughttoo muchabout it.Because he is poor and cannotafforda wife.Because he is rich and doth notrequirea wife.Because he lovethnowoman.Because he lovethallwomen.Because he hath not met therightwoman.Because hehathmet the right woman and been “disappointed”.Because he hath manyillusionsconcerning women.Because he hathnoillusions concerning them.Becausenowoman is good enough.Becauseheis not “good enough” foranywoman.Because he is not ready tosettle down.Because he isalreadysettled down, and is content.Because he isweakand fearful.Because he isstrongand impregnable.And, likewise—justbecause.CHAPTER THREEHearken, my Daughter, unto the parable of the merrie bachelor; hearken and be comforted.For, I say unto thee, not one of these liveth but shall receive his just desert!Now, in my youth, there came unto me such an one, saying, “Whyshall I marry? For lo, have I notallthe comforts of home, athalfthe expense? Behold, I have three good meals a day and a den filled with gew-gaws, which are the work of many damsels. Yea, and not one of them but yearneth to sew on my buttons.“Moreover, I can go forth into the country in the summer time without having to pawn mine overcoat; and in the winter I can go unto my club without having to perjure my soul.“Verily, verily, my life is like unto an eleven-course dinner.“For on Monday I may talkartunto a high-browed damsel; and on Tuesday I may talkloveunto a widow; and on Wednesday I may talknonsenseunto a fluffy thing.“But a married man must talkdomestic economyunto thesame womanevery night, which is like a table d’hote menu, of a deadening monotony.“Behold, I offer no apology for my singleness; for I amunashamed! And my one fear is that I shall awaken from thisdream!”And I answered him, saying, “Even so!”Yet, as time passed, the hairs dropped one by one from the head of the bachelor, until it shone as a great light.Lo, from eating and drinking much good food and having noworries, he became round and pudgy, like unto a Billiken.And the maidens of the land who had trembled at his approach now tittered merrily at sight of him. Yea, whereas, before, he had been able to spend an whole evening with one of them, bringing a box of cheap candy, he now spent all his savings upon them.For it requireth real orchids and champagne to make a fat manfascinating.And he observed the married men of his acquaintance, that from overworking they had still kept theirfigures and wereinteresting. Yea, and they flirted with their stenographers and were merry; but the bachelor not having to labor had accomplished nothing; for he had spent his days in yawning.Then he came unto me, crying:“Lo! At last I would marry and settle down. But she that I once loved hath married another. And how shall I choose a wife? For all women are asonewoman unto me.”And I mocked him with my ha-has, saying:“My Son, I adjure thee, wed any woman thoucanst! For the buds of the Nation arenotcollecting antiques. Yet, peradventure, one of these shall accept thee as agood thing; or another shall take thee as alast resort, when she hath passed her fifth season. Go to! Thou hast eaten the bread of life withouthoneythereon, and thou shalt hereafter be satisfied with thecrumbs.”Verily, verily, life without love is as a pipe without a light; but a man without a wife is as a helpless barge without a tow-boat.CHAPTER FOURMyDaughter, hear now the Thanksgiving Day prayer of a bachelor:Oh, Lord, I thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed me another year offreedom. That I am still safe!That Thou hast made me what Iam—wise, unconquerable, immune!That, although I have many times lost my heart, I have never yet lost myhead.That I did not marry my first love.That, though the hairs of my head be numbered, they are still sufficient to cover my bald spot.That, though my forehead gradually becometh moreintellectual, it is not yet bare.That I have never yet written a letter which could be held against me in a breach-of-promise suit, but have confined all mytendermessages unto telegrams and postcards.That all my words have been discreet and mine actions cautious and self-restrained.That, although maidens may bestow upon me purple neckties, spotted scarfs, plaid mufflers and orange-colored gloves at Christmastide, I shall not be required towearthem.That I am still regarded aseligibleamong maidens and matrons. That they have notfound me out!That, day by day, my heart is acquiring a coat of cement and my conscience a coat of mail.That I have carefully preserved all my emotions in alcohol!That there is no marrying nor giving in marriage in Heaven!Yea, for good cigars, bachelor flats, vaudeville, briar pipes, clubs, apartment hotels, stenographers, comic operas, taxicabs andwidows, Good Lord I thank Thee!And now in the name of peace and contentment, vouchsafe me another year of single blessedness.Yea, give me liberty or give me death! Amen!SELAH
VERILY, VERILY, MYDAUGHTER, THE FOOLHATH SAID IN HERHEART, “ALL MENSHOULD MARRY! FORTHERE IS A REASONFOR EVERYTHINGUNDER THE SUN, SAVEABACHELOR”
BOOK OF BACHELORS
Goto, my Daughter. Knowest thou a man who hath lived long in a bachelor flat? Then beware of him! For his ways are full of guile and he hath not a thrill left.
Alas, the bachelor flat is a curse sent upon Woman. For, lo, though a man hath dwelt in the back hall-room of a boarding-house for many years and hath suffered all its untold horrors, the moment he taketh a flat the sweet feminine thing seeketh him out and yearneth to make him “comfortable”.
And his days are made sad with sofa pillows and towel racks, and picture frames, and shaving-pads, and foot-stools, until his house resembleth a bargain counter, or the spoils from the harem of a sacked city.
He groaneth when he seeketh in corners for a spot wherein to place his forty-seventh cushion; he curseth when he returneth after dark and falleth over tabourets andotherevidences of thepursuit of man; he laugheth as he borroweth old socks from his men friends that he may supplyallof those whodesire to do his mending. And to him, in matters of love, there is nothing new under the sun.
For the man that weddeth a widow is number two, but the woman that weddeth a bachelor-flatee is numberforty-two.
And when she mendeth his coat and patteth his pillow; when she kisseth him in the cleft within his chin and runneth her fingers through his hair, he feeleth no thrill. For these are unto him but as a tale that hath been many times told.
Verily, his sentiments are frayed at the edges and his emotions worn thin with usage. His heart is patched in many places and his illusions are as last year’s roses—withered.
Yea, his love is but as warmed-over pudding or cold veal served upon the second day; even as second-hand furniture, whereof the interior is motheaten.
But he is better thannothing.
Verily, verily, my Daughter, the fool hath said in her heart, “All men should marry! For there is a reason for everything under the sun, save abachelor.”
But I have gone among the bachelors, questioning them, young and old; and I say unto thee, the “reasons” why a man taketh astimulantare not more numerous and wonderful than the reasons why he doth not marry.
Behold, he doth not marry:
Because he is tooyoung.
Because he is tooold.
Because he hath notthoughtabout it.
Because he hath thoughttoo muchabout it.
Because he is poor and cannotafforda wife.
Because he is rich and doth notrequirea wife.
Because he lovethnowoman.
Because he lovethallwomen.
Because he hath not met therightwoman.
Because hehathmet the right woman and been “disappointed”.
Because he hath manyillusionsconcerning women.
Because he hathnoillusions concerning them.
Becausenowoman is good enough.
Becauseheis not “good enough” foranywoman.
Because he is not ready tosettle down.
Because he isalreadysettled down, and is content.
Because he isweakand fearful.
Because he isstrongand impregnable.
And, likewise—justbecause.
Hearken, my Daughter, unto the parable of the merrie bachelor; hearken and be comforted.
For, I say unto thee, not one of these liveth but shall receive his just desert!
Now, in my youth, there came unto me such an one, saying, “Whyshall I marry? For lo, have I notallthe comforts of home, athalfthe expense? Behold, I have three good meals a day and a den filled with gew-gaws, which are the work of many damsels. Yea, and not one of them but yearneth to sew on my buttons.
“Moreover, I can go forth into the country in the summer time without having to pawn mine overcoat; and in the winter I can go unto my club without having to perjure my soul.
“Verily, verily, my life is like unto an eleven-course dinner.
“For on Monday I may talkartunto a high-browed damsel; and on Tuesday I may talkloveunto a widow; and on Wednesday I may talknonsenseunto a fluffy thing.
“But a married man must talkdomestic economyunto thesame womanevery night, which is like a table d’hote menu, of a deadening monotony.
“Behold, I offer no apology for my singleness; for I amunashamed! And my one fear is that I shall awaken from thisdream!”
And I answered him, saying, “Even so!”
Yet, as time passed, the hairs dropped one by one from the head of the bachelor, until it shone as a great light.
Lo, from eating and drinking much good food and having noworries, he became round and pudgy, like unto a Billiken.
And the maidens of the land who had trembled at his approach now tittered merrily at sight of him. Yea, whereas, before, he had been able to spend an whole evening with one of them, bringing a box of cheap candy, he now spent all his savings upon them.
For it requireth real orchids and champagne to make a fat manfascinating.
And he observed the married men of his acquaintance, that from overworking they had still kept theirfigures and wereinteresting. Yea, and they flirted with their stenographers and were merry; but the bachelor not having to labor had accomplished nothing; for he had spent his days in yawning.
Then he came unto me, crying:
“Lo! At last I would marry and settle down. But she that I once loved hath married another. And how shall I choose a wife? For all women are asonewoman unto me.”
And I mocked him with my ha-has, saying:
“My Son, I adjure thee, wed any woman thoucanst! For the buds of the Nation arenotcollecting antiques. Yet, peradventure, one of these shall accept thee as agood thing; or another shall take thee as alast resort, when she hath passed her fifth season. Go to! Thou hast eaten the bread of life withouthoneythereon, and thou shalt hereafter be satisfied with thecrumbs.”
Verily, verily, life without love is as a pipe without a light; but a man without a wife is as a helpless barge without a tow-boat.
MyDaughter, hear now the Thanksgiving Day prayer of a bachelor:
Oh, Lord, I thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed me another year offreedom. That I am still safe!
That Thou hast made me what Iam—wise, unconquerable, immune!
That, although I have many times lost my heart, I have never yet lost myhead.
That I did not marry my first love.
That, though the hairs of my head be numbered, they are still sufficient to cover my bald spot.
That, though my forehead gradually becometh moreintellectual, it is not yet bare.
That I have never yet written a letter which could be held against me in a breach-of-promise suit, but have confined all mytendermessages unto telegrams and postcards.
That all my words have been discreet and mine actions cautious and self-restrained.
That, although maidens may bestow upon me purple neckties, spotted scarfs, plaid mufflers and orange-colored gloves at Christmastide, I shall not be required towearthem.
That I am still regarded aseligibleamong maidens and matrons. That they have notfound me out!
That, day by day, my heart is acquiring a coat of cement and my conscience a coat of mail.
That I have carefully preserved all my emotions in alcohol!
That there is no marrying nor giving in marriage in Heaven!
Yea, for good cigars, bachelor flats, vaudeville, briar pipes, clubs, apartment hotels, stenographers, comic operas, taxicabs andwidows, Good Lord I thank Thee!
And now in the name of peace and contentment, vouchsafe me another year of single blessedness.
Yea, give me liberty or give me death! Amen!
SELAH