VII. BOOK OF ADMONITIONSVERILY, VERILY, EVENTHY FATHER SOLOMON,HIMSELF, HAD NOTMORETHAN ENOUGHWIVES. FOR EVERYMAN REQUIRETH ATLEAST TWO SOUL-MATES.ONE TO AMUSE HIM—ANDONE TO WAIT UPON HIMBOOK OF ADMONITIONSCHAPTER ONEMyDaughter, Hearken Unto My Words, And attend diligently to my counsel; for the understanding ofManis the beginning of a good income, and a knowledge ofhis waysmore profitable than a higher education.Behold, a woman delighteth to travel the path of love slowly and through devious by-ways of flirtation and sentiment, but a manrushethover it at the speed limit.Unto a woman, the first kiss is but thestartin the love chase, but unto a man it is ofttimes thefinish.Lo, when a woman weddeth a man, it is in order that she maygethim; but when a man weddeth a woman, it is in order that he may preventanotherfrom getting her.Yea, verily, when a woman clingeth unto single blessedness, it is because she hath metnoman with whom she could endure to live; but, when a man remaineth a bachelor, it is because he hath met no womanwithoutwhom hecannotlive.A man weddeth a woman in order to escape loneliness, and immediately thereafter joineth aclubin order to escape the woman.He marryeth a damsel because she appealeth to his “higher nature”, and spendeth all the rest of his days seeking after those who appeal to his lower nature.A woman is cast down with doubts lest a man doth not love her; but a man never troubleth his soul, as to whether or not a woman loveth him, but as to whether or not hewantethher to love him.Behold, anhonestwoman may cheat at cards, but never at love; but he considereth himself an “honorable man” that never cheateth at a game of poker though he never playeth fair at the game of hearts.Go to! Think no manin lovewhile he flattereth thee and extolleth all thy ways; but, when he beginneth tomoraliseand to criticise thyhats, then mayest thou plan thy trousseau.When he saveth thy life it may be for chivalry’s sake; but when he carryeth anumbrellato please thee it is for love’s sake.Be not set up when a man giveth thee the key to his heart, for, peradventure, upon the following day, he maychange the lock!Then, how shall a woman understand a man, since they areallcut upon thebias!Verily, verily, by turning him around, my Daughter, and reading himbackward, even as a Chinese laundry ticket!CHAPTER TWOHowlong, oh, ye Easy Ones, shall men continue to call ye “kitten” when they are sentimental and “cat” when they wax cynical?Verily, verily, I say unto thee, the ways of amanare the ways of Grimalkin; for doth not a cat, and likewise a man, prize hisdignityabove all things else in the heavens above, or in the earth beneath, or in the subways under the earth?Moreover, doth not a cat, and likewise a man, seek out all thesoftplaces upon the face of the earth, and all the mostcomfortablespots within the house, and all theeasychairs of the office?Yea, doth not a man, even as a cat, wander abroad at night and return only at mealtimes?Doth not a cat, and also a man, cling unto the woman that maketh him mostcomfortableand stroketh him therightway, but revile and despise her that disturbeth his meditations and arouseth him from his slumbers?Doth not a cat flee in terror from one that flingeth cold water upon his coat, and a man from her that flingeth cold water upon his vanity?Doth not a man, like unto a cat, struggle to escape when he is heldtightly, yet remain cheerfully where he is not wanted?Doth not a cat, and likewise a man, flee fearfully from that which is flung at his head—whether it be a bone, or a plate, or awoman?And, being “dropped,” doth not a cat and likewise a man, land always upon hisfeetand depart in search of consolation?Lo, if thou pursuest a cat and a man with thine endearments will they not shrink from thee, with vexation?But, if thou ignorest them, will they not sit devotedly at thy feet?Go to! I say unto thee awomanis not as a tabby, but as a Faithful Fido which cannot be shaken off.She followeth a man whithersoever he goeth, accepting gladly a pat upon the head and a kind word, and lying down at his feet to bestepped on.Verily, verily, why doth a spinster console herself with acatin her loneliness?Even because this is the only thing which can be found to resemble aman!CHAPTER THREELo, while a man courteth a maiden he faith unto her:“Beloved,I adorethe waves and frivols of thy hair! The neatness of thy waistline is my delight; and whatisthat subtile sachet which maketh thee to remind me always of the rose of morning?”But in his heart he saith:“Yet, when we are married, then shallI teachher not to wear false ringlets, and the imported complexion which she now putteth on shall she abjure.“Verily from the using of thatawful scentshall I break her, and from the wearing of corsets shall I rescue her! For we shall then beone, and I shall bethat one!”And while a damsel seeketh to allure a man she saith unto him:“Thou artsosensible. Yea, I pray thee, continue to wear acomfortablecollar always; for why shalt thou suffer for style’s sake? Lo, thy beard and thy mustache, they are socharacteristic; and in a soft hat thou hastreal personality!”But in her heart she muttereth:“Go to! When I have himsafe, then shall I entice him to put on a high collar, even untofour inches; and the shaving of his face will require but two weeks! Yea, and that quaint top-piece shall he exchange for a derby within the first month. For I knowjustwhat he needeth!”Verily, verily, even in the hour of their courtship, do they prepare forwar!Even while she poureth his wine, doth she determine that he shall become a teetotaler! Even while he passeth her the sweetmeats doth he plan to put her on adiet, ’ere she acquire embonpoint.As enemies before the battle, do they exchange civilities, saying “How congenialwe are!”For every woman thinketh to make a man over after apattern, and every man thinketh to remodel a woman according to astockideal.Yea, after the honeymoon each seeketh to trim the other down and to add all themodern improvements.Then give them the fruit of their labors, which is amutualshock!CHAPTER FOURMyDaughter, she that heedeth my instructions shall find a man easier to play upon than a pianola.Behold, she hath but to press the right key, and he shall repeat all his repertoire, even unto theconfessionof his sins.Yea, verily, a man rejoiceth in confessions; and nothing delighteth his soul so much as torepent. For, then can he return unto his follies with a clear conscience and renewed enthusiasm.Go to!Whois so virtuous as an husband that hath butjustreceived a cold bath and his wife’s forgiveness?Lo, he goeth forth feeling like unto an uncrowned saint.He is puffed up withrighteousness.Yet, before the night cometh, peradventure, he shall again have wobbled from the straight and narrow way.How long, then, oh my Daughter, shalt thou encourage men to persecute thee with their “I’m so-sorrys”, and their “Never-agains”? For, verily, verily, every man believeth that a woman’s patience is a thing of India rubber, which will stretch over a multitude of backslidings.Yea, he hath not adoubtthat a broken promise may be glued together with kisses, and a broken heart mended with softsoap.Confessions are but the soothing syrup wherewith he stilleth his conscience. And his sins would lack much joy if he had not the pleasure of “regretting” them.But I say unto thee, a woman’s faith is like unto a cobweb which cannot be patched up, once it hath been shattered; and a woman’s heart is not as a rubber ball, which reboundeth after it hath been cast down.Nay, a bride sobbeth “Harold, tell meall!”But after ten years, a wife saith, “Do whatsoever thou pleasest, but come not untomewith thy tale of woe. Lo, I am aweary of holding onto Heavenwith one hand and ontotheewith the other. Therefore go thy ways and let mesleep!”Verily, verily, in time, doth a man’s penitencepallupon a woman; and his kiss of remorse is more to be dreaded than his sins.For, once love hath cooled, itmaybe warmed-over, yet it is flat and tasteless, even as a Monday luncheon.CHAPTER FIVEMyDaughter, observe my counsel, for the heart of a man is like unto a Broadway car, in which there is always room forone more.Behold, in matters of love, a woman is aspecialist, but a man is ageneral practitioner. Yea, a woman loveth but onetype—evenone man—but a man loveth anything which happeneth to beat hand.Lo, he that weddeth a brunette shall ever after seek peroxide blondes; and he that marryeth a pink and yellowdollshall acquire a sudden interest inintellectandbrunettes. Forvarietyis the spice of love.Moreover, a woman is an epicure in love, but a man is a gourmand.In the love-feast, a woman desireth but one course at a time; but a man relisheth themallservedat once, like unto a dinner at a country inn.Yea, he mixeth his flirtations, even as he mixeth his libations, and wondereth sadly why he awakeneth always with an headache.Verily, verily, even thy Father, Solomon, had notmorethan enough wives. For every man requireth at least two soul-mates.One for Sundays—and one for week days.One to amuse him—and one to wait upon him.One to save his soul—and one to save his pennies.One to help him make a fortune—and one to help him spend it.One for his lighter side—and one for his darker side.One for company, one for comfort, one for inspiration, one for pastime—and many others, fora change.SELAH.
VERILY, VERILY, EVENTHY FATHER SOLOMON,HIMSELF, HAD NOTMORETHAN ENOUGHWIVES. FOR EVERYMAN REQUIRETH ATLEAST TWO SOUL-MATES.ONE TO AMUSE HIM—ANDONE TO WAIT UPON HIM
BOOK OF ADMONITIONS
MyDaughter, Hearken Unto My Words, And attend diligently to my counsel; for the understanding ofManis the beginning of a good income, and a knowledge ofhis waysmore profitable than a higher education.
Behold, a woman delighteth to travel the path of love slowly and through devious by-ways of flirtation and sentiment, but a manrushethover it at the speed limit.
Unto a woman, the first kiss is but thestartin the love chase, but unto a man it is ofttimes thefinish.
Lo, when a woman weddeth a man, it is in order that she maygethim; but when a man weddeth a woman, it is in order that he may preventanotherfrom getting her.
Yea, verily, when a woman clingeth unto single blessedness, it is because she hath metnoman with whom she could endure to live; but, when a man remaineth a bachelor, it is because he hath met no womanwithoutwhom hecannotlive.
A man weddeth a woman in order to escape loneliness, and immediately thereafter joineth aclubin order to escape the woman.
He marryeth a damsel because she appealeth to his “higher nature”, and spendeth all the rest of his days seeking after those who appeal to his lower nature.
A woman is cast down with doubts lest a man doth not love her; but a man never troubleth his soul, as to whether or not a woman loveth him, but as to whether or not hewantethher to love him.
Behold, anhonestwoman may cheat at cards, but never at love; but he considereth himself an “honorable man” that never cheateth at a game of poker though he never playeth fair at the game of hearts.
Go to! Think no manin lovewhile he flattereth thee and extolleth all thy ways; but, when he beginneth tomoraliseand to criticise thyhats, then mayest thou plan thy trousseau.
When he saveth thy life it may be for chivalry’s sake; but when he carryeth anumbrellato please thee it is for love’s sake.
Be not set up when a man giveth thee the key to his heart, for, peradventure, upon the following day, he maychange the lock!
Then, how shall a woman understand a man, since they areallcut upon thebias!
Verily, verily, by turning him around, my Daughter, and reading himbackward, even as a Chinese laundry ticket!
Howlong, oh, ye Easy Ones, shall men continue to call ye “kitten” when they are sentimental and “cat” when they wax cynical?
Verily, verily, I say unto thee, the ways of amanare the ways of Grimalkin; for doth not a cat, and likewise a man, prize hisdignityabove all things else in the heavens above, or in the earth beneath, or in the subways under the earth?
Moreover, doth not a cat, and likewise a man, seek out all thesoftplaces upon the face of the earth, and all the mostcomfortablespots within the house, and all theeasychairs of the office?
Yea, doth not a man, even as a cat, wander abroad at night and return only at mealtimes?
Doth not a cat, and also a man, cling unto the woman that maketh him mostcomfortableand stroketh him therightway, but revile and despise her that disturbeth his meditations and arouseth him from his slumbers?
Doth not a cat flee in terror from one that flingeth cold water upon his coat, and a man from her that flingeth cold water upon his vanity?
Doth not a man, like unto a cat, struggle to escape when he is heldtightly, yet remain cheerfully where he is not wanted?
Doth not a cat, and likewise a man, flee fearfully from that which is flung at his head—whether it be a bone, or a plate, or awoman?
And, being “dropped,” doth not a cat and likewise a man, land always upon hisfeetand depart in search of consolation?
Lo, if thou pursuest a cat and a man with thine endearments will they not shrink from thee, with vexation?
But, if thou ignorest them, will they not sit devotedly at thy feet?
Go to! I say unto thee awomanis not as a tabby, but as a Faithful Fido which cannot be shaken off.
She followeth a man whithersoever he goeth, accepting gladly a pat upon the head and a kind word, and lying down at his feet to bestepped on.
Verily, verily, why doth a spinster console herself with acatin her loneliness?
Even because this is the only thing which can be found to resemble aman!
Lo, while a man courteth a maiden he faith unto her:
“Beloved,I adorethe waves and frivols of thy hair! The neatness of thy waistline is my delight; and whatisthat subtile sachet which maketh thee to remind me always of the rose of morning?”
But in his heart he saith:
“Yet, when we are married, then shallI teachher not to wear false ringlets, and the imported complexion which she now putteth on shall she abjure.
“Verily from the using of thatawful scentshall I break her, and from the wearing of corsets shall I rescue her! For we shall then beone, and I shall bethat one!”
And while a damsel seeketh to allure a man she saith unto him:
“Thou artsosensible. Yea, I pray thee, continue to wear acomfortablecollar always; for why shalt thou suffer for style’s sake? Lo, thy beard and thy mustache, they are socharacteristic; and in a soft hat thou hastreal personality!”
But in her heart she muttereth:
“Go to! When I have himsafe, then shall I entice him to put on a high collar, even untofour inches; and the shaving of his face will require but two weeks! Yea, and that quaint top-piece shall he exchange for a derby within the first month. For I knowjustwhat he needeth!”
Verily, verily, even in the hour of their courtship, do they prepare forwar!
Even while she poureth his wine, doth she determine that he shall become a teetotaler! Even while he passeth her the sweetmeats doth he plan to put her on adiet, ’ere she acquire embonpoint.
As enemies before the battle, do they exchange civilities, saying “How congenialwe are!”
For every woman thinketh to make a man over after apattern, and every man thinketh to remodel a woman according to astockideal.
Yea, after the honeymoon each seeketh to trim the other down and to add all themodern improvements.
Then give them the fruit of their labors, which is amutualshock!
MyDaughter, she that heedeth my instructions shall find a man easier to play upon than a pianola.
Behold, she hath but to press the right key, and he shall repeat all his repertoire, even unto theconfessionof his sins.
Yea, verily, a man rejoiceth in confessions; and nothing delighteth his soul so much as torepent. For, then can he return unto his follies with a clear conscience and renewed enthusiasm.
Go to!Whois so virtuous as an husband that hath butjustreceived a cold bath and his wife’s forgiveness?
Lo, he goeth forth feeling like unto an uncrowned saint.
He is puffed up withrighteousness.
Yet, before the night cometh, peradventure, he shall again have wobbled from the straight and narrow way.
How long, then, oh my Daughter, shalt thou encourage men to persecute thee with their “I’m so-sorrys”, and their “Never-agains”? For, verily, verily, every man believeth that a woman’s patience is a thing of India rubber, which will stretch over a multitude of backslidings.
Yea, he hath not adoubtthat a broken promise may be glued together with kisses, and a broken heart mended with softsoap.
Confessions are but the soothing syrup wherewith he stilleth his conscience. And his sins would lack much joy if he had not the pleasure of “regretting” them.
But I say unto thee, a woman’s faith is like unto a cobweb which cannot be patched up, once it hath been shattered; and a woman’s heart is not as a rubber ball, which reboundeth after it hath been cast down.
Nay, a bride sobbeth “Harold, tell meall!”
But after ten years, a wife saith, “Do whatsoever thou pleasest, but come not untomewith thy tale of woe. Lo, I am aweary of holding onto Heavenwith one hand and ontotheewith the other. Therefore go thy ways and let mesleep!”
Verily, verily, in time, doth a man’s penitencepallupon a woman; and his kiss of remorse is more to be dreaded than his sins.
For, once love hath cooled, itmaybe warmed-over, yet it is flat and tasteless, even as a Monday luncheon.
MyDaughter, observe my counsel, for the heart of a man is like unto a Broadway car, in which there is always room forone more.
Behold, in matters of love, a woman is aspecialist, but a man is ageneral practitioner. Yea, a woman loveth but onetype—evenone man—but a man loveth anything which happeneth to beat hand.
Lo, he that weddeth a brunette shall ever after seek peroxide blondes; and he that marryeth a pink and yellowdollshall acquire a sudden interest inintellectandbrunettes. Forvarietyis the spice of love.
Moreover, a woman is an epicure in love, but a man is a gourmand.
In the love-feast, a woman desireth but one course at a time; but a man relisheth themallservedat once, like unto a dinner at a country inn.
Yea, he mixeth his flirtations, even as he mixeth his libations, and wondereth sadly why he awakeneth always with an headache.
Verily, verily, even thy Father, Solomon, had notmorethan enough wives. For every man requireth at least two soul-mates.
One for Sundays—and one for week days.
One to amuse him—and one to wait upon him.
One to save his soul—and one to save his pennies.
One to help him make a fortune—and one to help him spend it.
One for his lighter side—and one for his darker side.
One for company, one for comfort, one for inspiration, one for pastime—and many others, fora change.
SELAH.