But you mustn't write to people you—!
[Angrily.] Go away! [He hurries out. Peggy wipes her eyes.]
Oh, don't be upset, Miss!
No, I won't, I won't. But I am only a girl, and the responsibility is very great for such young shoulders. [There is a murmur of voices outside. Jane and Tyler go out as Rankling enters with Ermyntrude, followed by Reggie with Dinah. Reginald is endeavouring to keep her away from Mallory, who comes after them. Saunders and Gwendoline follow next, and Queckett brings up the rear. There is much talking as Queckett indicates the seats they are to occupy.]
[Quietly to Queckett.] Did you give the girls the notes?
[Surprised.] No.
Oh! Never mind—I'll whisper to them now. [She whispers hurriedly to Dinah, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude.]
[To himself.] didn't understand they were for the girls. [He goes to the head of the table as Rankling, Mallory, and Saunders come suddenly together, each carrying a note.]
[To Mallory.] Mallory, we were right—there is some horrible mystery about Queckett. [Looking to see they are not observed.] I've had an anonymous warning. "For heaven's sake, don't touch the pud—pudding."
I know.
Tell the boy. [To Saunders.]
I say—don't you say yes to Saunders.
I know. Tell the old gentleman. [To Saunders.] He knows. [To Rankling.] He knows. [With a simultaneous gesture they pocket the notes and go to find their seats at table. They all sit. The lobster salad and the pâté have been placed by Tyler at the end of the table. Tyler now enters carrying nine large plates which he places before Queckett.]
[With assumed composure and good spirits.] There is a spontaneity about our jolly little supper which will perhaps, ah'm! atone for any absence of elaboration.
Don't name it, Mr. Queckett.
Just as it should be, my dear fellow. [Tyler goes out.]
The language of the heart is simplicity. Our little supper is from the heart.
Ah, I shall never forget your little suppers in the Albany—where were they from?
Gunters', Jack. [With a groan.] Oh! [Jane, at the door, hands to Tyler a very small pudding in a silver basin, which he places before Queckett.]
[To themselves.] The pudding! [They exhibit great eagerness to get a view of the pudding.]
[Behind Mallory's bach.] Oh, how shameful it looks!
[Falteringly.] Here is a homely little dish which has fascinations for many, though I never touch it myself—I never touch it myself. [Rankling, Mallory and Saunders exchange significant looks.] Ah'm! A pudding made of larks. [He glances round, all look down, there is deep silence.] A pudding—made—of larks. [To Dinah.] My dear—a very little?
No, thank you, Uncle.
Perhaps you're right. Gwendoline, a suggestion?
No, thank you, Uncle.
[To Peggy.] Margaret, I know what your digestion is—I won't tempt you. [To Ermyntrude.] Ermyntrude—the least in the world?
No, thank you, Uncle.
[To himself.] Ah! How lucky!
[To herself!] Brave girls; I was afraid they'd falter.
[Heartily.'] Now then—Admiral Rankling?
No, thank you. No pudding? I haven't long dined, thank you, Queckett.
[To Reginald—coldly.] May I?
[Distantly.'] I never eat suppers, thank you.
[To Saunders.] My dear Mr. Saunders?
No, Mr. Queckett, thank you.
[Getting desperate—to Mallory.] Jack—a lark?
No, thanks, old fellow.
Well, I—[Throwing down his knife and spoon, and leaning back in his chair. To Tyler.] Take it away! [Tyler removes the pudding; they all watch its going.]
[Handing it to Jane.] Keep it warm, Jane.
A lobster salad and a small pâté de foie gras are at your end of the table.
[Looking round.'] May I? [There is a general reply of "No, thank you," expressed in symbols by the ladies.]
[To herself] Poor girls, what sacrifices they make for these men!
[With a plate in his hand.] May I—?
[Together.] No, thank you.
[To himself] What a supper party! Tyler, the champagne. [Tyler fetches a bottle of champagne, and proceeds to open it.]
[Behind Ermyntrude and Peggy, to Mallory.] If we see the cork drawn, shall we risk it?
[To Rankling.] Risk it.
Risk it. [Reginald has risen from the table and is seen tapping Saunders upon the shoulder and speaking to him rapidly and excitedly.]
No, I have not! [Talking together, Reginald and Saunders go out hurriedly.]
What's the matter with that charming young fellow now? [To the table.] Excuse me. [He follows them out.]
[Tearfully to Gwendoline.] Reginald's jealousy gets worse and worse. I am sure it will cloud our future.
[To Dinah.] Mr. Saunders wasn't looking at you, I am positive. The poor little fellow was stroking my hand. [Mallory returns with Saunders and Reginald, who both look excited, and their hair is disarranged.]
[To Mallory and Saunders.] I beg your pardon; I may have been mistaken. I imagined that Mr. Saunders was regarding my wife in a way which overstepped the borders of ordinary admiration. [They hastily shake hands all around and hurry back to their seats. Tyler has poured out the champagne, and now departs. Admiral Rankling rises. Queckett taps the table for silence.]
Please—please.
Ah'm!
[To himself.] I thought the old gentleman wouldn't resist the temptation.
My dear Mr. Queckett, it would ill become an old man—himself the father of a daughter, nearly, if not quite, of the age of the young lady opposite me—to lose an opportunity of saying a few words on the pleasant, the—the extremely pleasant—condition of the British Naval Forces—ah'm! no—
[To himself.] I knew that would happen.
Pardon me, I have been speaking on other subjects to-night. I should say, the extremely pleasant occasion which brings us together.
Certainly, my dear Rankling, how nice of you!
Not only am I the commander—the father—of a ship—of a daughter whom it is my ambition to see happily wedded to the man of her choice—
Hear, hear!
[In an undertone, glaring at her.] You vexing girl.
But I am also the husband of a heavily plated cruiser—er—um—h'm! of a dear lady to whose affection and society I owe the greatest happiness of my life.
[To herself.] How different some gentlemen are when their wives are not present.
If I have the regret of knowing that my acquaintance with Mrs.—Mrs.—
Parkinson.
Thank you, I know—Parkinson—has begun only to-night, I have also the pleasure of inaugurating a friendship with that delightful young lady, which on my side shall be little less than paternal. I—I—I—
Oh, gracious!
I—I cannot sit down—
[Wearily.] Why not!
I will not sit down without adding a word of congratulation to Mr.—Mr. —
Parkinson.
Thank you, I know—Parkinson—the young gentleman whose ingenious construction and seagoing qualities—
No—no.
Er—um—whose amiability and genial demeanour have so favourably impressed us. As an old married man I welcome this recruit to the service.
Hear, hear.
It is one of hardship and danger—of stiff breezes and dismal night watches. But it is because Englishmen never know when they are beaten—
No, no.
Yes, sir—it is because Englishmen never know when they are beaten that they occasionally find conjugal happiness. I ask you all to drink to the Navy—to Mr. and Mrs.—thank you, I know—Jenkinson.
[All except Dinah and Reginald rise and drink the toast "Mr. and Mrs. Parkinson," then as they resume their seats, Reginald rises sulkily.]
Admiral Rankling.
[Jane appears at the door, wildly beckoning to Queckett.]
[In a whisper.] Sir—Sir—!
[Angrily.] Not now—not now—go away.
Hush! [The Girls motion Jane away; she retires.]
[To Reginald.] I beg pardon.
All I have to say is that the highest estimation Admiral Rankling can form of me will not do justice to my devotion to my wife.
[Sotto voce.] Oh, beautiful!
[Fiercely.] And I should like to know the individual, old or young, who would take my wife from me!
[To himself] Many a husband would like to know that person.
In conclusion—as for Admiral Rankling's offer of a paternal friendship, I trust he will remember that offer if ever we should have occasion to remind him of it. [Looking at his watch.] And now I regret to say—[The girls rise, the men follow.]
No, no—not before we have danced one quadrille.
Oh, yes—oh, yes! A quadrille!
Uncle Vere will play for us.
No, Uncle Vere will not!
Oh, yes, you will, Queckett, old fellow, eh?
Well—I—with pleasure, Jack. [To himself!] How dare they!
Clear the floor! [Saunders and Mallory, assisted by Ermyntrude and Gwendoline, put back the table and chairs.]
[Getting very good humoured.] Upon my soul, I never saw such girls in my life! I wonder whether my Dinah is anything like 'em! [Dinah and Reginald are having a violent altercation.]
A wife shouldn't dance with her husband—it is horrible form!
I can't see you led out by a stranger.
It is merely a quadrille.
Merely a quadrille! Woman, do you think I am marble?
[Distractedly, turning to Rankling.] Admiral Rankling, are you going to dance?
[Gallantly.] If you do me the honour, my dear Madam. [She takes his arm.]
[Madly, to Dinah.] Ah, flirt!
[To Peggy.] Get rid of them soon, or I shall become a gibbering idiot!
[Slapping Queckett on the back.] Now, then, Queckett. [Queckett goes to the piano. To Peggy.] Will you make me happy, dear Miss Peggy?
Thank you, Mr. Mallory, I never dance. [Taking his arm.] But I don't mind this once. Uncle!
[To himself.] I wash my hands of the entire party! [He plays the first figure of a quadrille, while they dance—Rankling and Dinah, Saunders and Gwendoline, Mallory and Peggy, Ermyntrude and Reginald. They dance with brightness and animation, but whenever Reginald encounters Dinah there is a violent altercation. As the figure ends Jane enters again, and runs to Queckett at the piano.]
What is it?
Oh, sir, do come down-stairs—as far down as you can get.
What do you mean?
That boy, Tyler, sir!
Tyler—well?
He went off bang in the kitchen, sir, about ten minutes ago. Them fireworks!
Fireworks! Where is he?
Gone for the engines, sir.
[Rising.] The engines!
Uncle!
Uncle Vere!
Now then, Uncle!
Excuse me—let somebody take my place at the piano. I—I'll be back in a moment! [Jane hurries out, he following her.]
[Running to the piano and commencing a waltz.'] A waltz! Change partners! [Rankling dances with Ermyntrude, Saunders with Gwendoline. Reginald is left out, but is wildly following Dinah, who is dancing with Mallory.]
[Puffing.] Not so fast, Miss Griffin—not so fast.
[Dinah's ear.] I shall require some explanation, Madam.
Oh, Reginald! [There is the sound of a prolonged knocking at the street door, followed by a bell ringing violently.]
[Playing.] Somebody wants to come in, evidently. [Suddenly the music and the dancing stop and everybody listens; then they all run to the windows and look out.]
What's that?
What's wrong?
Oh, look there!
Oh, there's such a crowd at our house! [Queckett re-enters with Jane, who sinks into a chair. Queckett looks very pale and frightened.]
Listen to me, please.
What's the matter?
Don't be alarmed. Look at me. Imitate my self-possession.
What is the matter?
The matter? The weather is so unfavourable that the boy Tyler has been compelled to display fireworks on the premises.
Oh! What has happened?
Pray don't be disturbed. There is not the slightest occasion for alarm. We have now the choice of one alternative.
What's that?
To get out without unnecessary delay.
[Clustering together.] Oh!
[Assuming the tone of a commander.] Mr. Mallory! Mr. Saunders!
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir. [Mallory and Saunders place themselves beside Rankling.]
Ladies, fetch your cloaks and wraps preparatory to breaking up our pleasant little party. Who volunteers to assist the ladies?
I, sir!
I, sir!
I do!
I do!
Mr. Mallory, tell off Mr. Queckett and Mr. Jenkinson to help the ladies. [The girls run out, followed by Reginald, Queckett, and Jane.]
Mr. Mallory! Mr. Saunders!
Yes, sir.
Our respective coats. [They bustle about to get their coats as the door quietly opens and Jaffray, a fireman, appears.]
Good evening, gentlemen. Can you tell me where I'll find the ladies?
They're putting on their hats and cloaks.
Thank you, gentlemen, I'm much obliged to you. [He goes to the window, pulls up the blind, and throws the window open, the top of a ladder is seen against the balcony.] Are you coming up, Mr. Goff?
[Out of sight.] Yes, Mr. Jaffray. [Goff, a middle-aged, jolly-looking fireman, enters by the balcony and the window.]
Gentlemen, Mr. Goff—one of the oldest and most respected members of the Brigade. Mr. Goff tells some most interesting stories, gentlemen.
[Impatiently.] Stories, sir! Call the ladies, Mr. Mallory. [Mallory goes out.]
I shouldn't hurry them, sir—ladies like to take their time. Now I remember an instance in October, '78—
Confound it, sir, you're not going to relate anecdotes now!
I beg your pardon, sir, Mr. Goff is one of the most experienced and entertaining members of the Brigade.
I tell you I don't care about that just now! Where are the ladies? [Saunders goes out.]
Excuse me sir, Mr. Goff's reminiscences are well worth hearing while you wait.
But I don't wish to wait! [Mallory and Peggy, Saunders and Gwendoline, Reginald and Dinah, followed by Jane, enter. The girls are hastily attired in all sorts of odd apparel and carrying bonnet-boxes, parcels, and small hand-bags. Ermyntrude carries, amongst other things, a cage of white mice, Gwendoline a bird in a cage, and Dinah a black cat, and Peggy a pair of skates and a brush and comb.]
We're ready. Take us away!
I must really ask you, ladies and gentlemen, to take it quietly for a few minutes.
Take it quietly! What for?
The staircase isn't just the thing for ladies and gentlemen at the present moment. I shall have to ask the ladies and gentlemen to use the Escape.
[Turning to the window.] The Escape! is it? Where?
It'll be here in two minutes. In the meantime, I think Mr. Goff could wile away the time very pleasantly with a reminiscence or two. Ladies, Mr. Goff—
Oh, take us away! Take us away! [Mallory, Saunders, and Reginald soothe the ladies, Jaffray goes to the window and looks out.]
[Pleasantly seating himself and taking off his helmet.] Well, ladies, I don't know that I can tell you much to amuse you—however—
Be quiet, sir—we will not be entertained!
[Carrying a hose from the window to the door.] Really, gentlemen, I must say I've never heard Mr. Goff treated so hasty at any conflagration. [He carries the hose out.]
A fireman full of anecdote! I decline to appreciate any reminiscence whatever. So do we all!
Certainly!
All of us!
It was in July, '79, ladies—my wife had just brought my tea to the Chandos Street Station—[Jaffray re-enters and goes to the window.]
Will you be silent, sir?
Get up and do something!
Go away!
The Escape, ladies and gentlemen—that window—one at a time. [There is a general movement and hubbub. Goff rises, he and Jaffray disappear by the window on the left. Mallory throws open the other window, and Jaffray appears outside and receives Dinah, Gwendoline, Ermyntrude, Peggy, and Jane as they escape.]
Mr. Mallory—Mr. Saunders—good evening! [Reginald disappears by the right-hand window. Saunders goes after him, Mallory is about to follow when Queckett enters hurriedly. Queckett is in a tall hat, a short covert coat, and carries gloves and an umbrella. He is flourishing a letter.]
[Pulling Mallory back.] Jack—Jack!
Hallo!
I'm going back to save some valuables. Directly you get down post that letter. Oh, Jack, it's so important.
[Looking at the letter.] To the Eagle Fire Insurance Company.
Quite so—slipped my memory. [Mallory disappears. Jaffray follows him.]
[Hurrying to Queckett.] My dear Queckett, it is the commander's duty to be the last to leave the ship—you are master here. Thank you for your hospitality. Good-night.
My dear Rankling, thank you for coming to see me. Good-night. [Jaffray appears at the window.]
It's all right, gentlemen—there's a kind lady down below who is taking everybody into her house for the night—Mrs. Rankling of Portland Place.
Mrs. Rankling—that's my wife! [Queckett disappears.]
Is she, sir? Glad to hear it. Then they are all your visitors till to-morrow.
Confound it, sir, where do I live?
Just at the corner here, sir—a hundred yards off.
Then where am I now?
Miss Dyott's boarding school, sir—Volumnia College.
What! [He and Jaffray go out by the window on the right as Goff enters by the window on the left.]
Where is he? [Calling at the door.]Sir, here's the lady of the house—rode up on an engine from Piccadilly—make haste—she says she will come up the ladder. [Queckett enters quickly, dragging after him several boxes of cigars.]
A lady! What lady? [Miss Dyott appears at the window. She is in the gorgeous dress of an opera-bouffe Queen, with a flaxen wig much disarranged and a crown on one side. Recoiling.] Caroline!
[Entering and taking him by the collar.] Come down! [She drags him towards the window.]
The scene is a well-furnished, tastefully decorated morning-room in the house of Admiral Rankling. At the further end of the room there are two double doors facing each other, one with glazed panels opening to a conservatory, the other to a dark room. There are also two doors near to the pillars that support an archway spanning the room. All is darkness save for a faint glow from the fire, and a blue light coming through the conservatory windows.
Peggy, dressed as before, enters quietly, looking about her.
[In a whisper.] Where have I got to now, I wonder? What a dreadful wilderness of a house to wander about in, in the dark, all alone. Oh, for the daylight! [Looking at her watch.] Half-past six. Why, gracious! here's a spark of fire! Oh, joy! [She goes down on her knees, and replenishes the fire with coal from the scuttle. The door opens, and Gwendoline peeps in.]
[In a whisper.] What room is this? [Entering noiselessly.] Will the day never break? [Frightened, and retreating as Peggy makes a noise blowing up the fire.] Oh!
[Frightened.] Oh! Who is that? [Looking around.] Gwendoline!
Peggy!
Are you wandering about too?
Yes. I can't sleep—can you?
[Shivering.] Sleep? no. As if I could sleep in a strange bed in a strange house, in one of Admiral Rankling's night-gowns. You didn't meet any daylight on the stairs, did you? [Another door opens, and Ermyntrude enters noiselessly.]
[Clinging to Peggy.] Oh, look there!
[In a whisper.] I wonder where I am now.
Ermyntrude!
[Clinging to a chair.] Ah!
Be quiet! It's we—it's us—it's her and me! Oh, my grammar's going now!
Can't you girls get to sleep?
I should think not.
There wasn't any daylight in your room when you came down, was there?
I thought I saw a glimmer through the window on the first floor landing.
Ah, perhaps that's some of yesterday's. I know! I've made up the fire; let us bivouac here till daybreak. Two by the fire, and take it in turns for the sofa. [Picking up a bearskin rug and carrying it to the sofa.] Who's first for the sofa?
Ermyntrude.
Gwendoline.
Come along, Gwendoline. [Gwendoline puts herself upon the sofa, and Peggy covers her with the bearskin.] There—as soon as you drop off to sleep it will be Ermyntrude's turn. [Looking through the conservatory doors.] Oh, how the snow is coming down! [Joining Ermyntrude, who is warming her hands by the fire. She sits in an arm-chair.]
Peggy—do you know what has become of poor Dinah?
Yes, she's locked up up-stairs till the morning. Admiral Rankling locked her up.
[From the sofa.] It's a shame!
Go to sleep! Oh, what a scene there was! Admiral Rankling foamed at the mouth. It was lucky they got Mr. Queckett away from him in time.
[Sleepily.] Where is Mr. Queckett?
Go to sleep.
[Leaning against Peggy's knees.] Mr. Queckett is locked up too, isn't he?
Of course he is—till the morning. Miss Dyott locked him up—very properly I think.
And where's Miss Dyott?
Up-stairs, in the room next to mine, in hysterics. Hush! I do believe Gwendoline has gone off. Are you pretty comfortable?
[Her head on Peggy's lap—sleepily.] Yes, thank you.
[Wearily.] Oh! [The door quietly opens, and Saunders appears. Peggy and Ermyntrude are hidden from him by the armchair.]
[Sleepily.] I can't sleep in my room. Where have they put Uncle Jack, I wonder? [Seeing Gwendoline, who is sleeping, with the light from the conservatory windows upon her.] Oh—what's that? [Going softly up to Gwendoline, and looking at her.] Why, here's my Gwen. I wonder if she'd mind my sitting near her. [Turning up his coat collar and sitting gently on the footstool, he leans against the head of the sofa drowsily.] Now if any robbers wanted to hurt Gwen, I could kill them. [Closing his eyes wearily.] Oh! [Soon there is a sound of heavy regular breathing from the four sleeping figures. The door opens, and Mallory enters.]
[Shivering.] Can't get a blessed wink of sleep. Where have I wandered to? Why, this is the room where the awful row was. [Seeing Gwendoline.] Hallo, here's one of those schoolgirls—[discovering Saunders] and—well, this nephew of mine is a devil of a fellow! That isn't a glimmer of fire, surely. [Walking towards the fireplace he nearly stumbles over Ermyntrude.] More girls! [He accidentally knocks over the scuttle. They all wake with a start.]
What's that?
Who is it?
Hush, don't be frightened! It's only I.
Mr. Mallory.
I've been wandering about—can't sleep.
No—we can't sleep either.
Well, I don't know about that. [Ermyntrude lights the candle on mantelpiece.]
Why haven't you and Mr. Saunders gone home? You're not burnt out.
Perhaps not; but Admiral Rankling asked me to remain, and, if he hadn't, I'm not going to leave this house till my friend Queckett is out of danger.
Out of danger.
Yes. Are you aware that you young ladies have brought very grave difficulties upon that unfortunate gentleman?
[Crying.] He encouraged us! He's a man!
Now, pray don't cry, my dear Miss—what is your name this morning?
Hesslerigge, and I wish I'd never been born!
Hesslerigge and you wish you'd never been born. [Taking her hand.] Well, Miss Hesslerigge, the serious aspect of the affair is that Admiral Rankling has a most violent, ungovernable temper.
[Tearfully.] I know. I've never seen a gentleman foam at the mouth before. It's quite a new experience.
[Soothingly.] Of course—of course—and therefore I'm apprehensive for poor Mr. Queckett's bodily safety. Meanwhile I won't disturb you any longer; come along, Saunders.
Where are you going?
To the front door—to speak a word or two of encouragement to that young fellow, Paulover.
Oh, is he outside still? In the snow!
Why, he has been walking up and down on the other side of the way all night.
[Indignantly.] And you haven't let him in!
How could I! You forget that our host has forbidden him the house.
No, I don't; I saw them roll out into the road together. Girls, shall we open the front door or shall we remain the mere slaves of etiquette?
I should like to let him in.
Certainly—why not?
Come along—I know the way. [Saunders, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude go out quietly.]
[To Peggy.] Well, you'll perhaps pardon my saying that you are a devil-may-care little schoolgirl!
You make a great mistake. I am not a schoolgirl; I am struggling to be a governess.
Ah, I hope you'll make your way in your profession. [Peggy has discovered the spirit-stand on the sideboard and now places it on the table.]
What are you going to do now?
Brew poor Mr. Paulover something hot. [Bringing the kettle and spirit lamp to the table] Light this lamp for me, please. [He lights the lamp.] If you can recommend me at any time to a lady with young daughters I shall be grateful.
I will—I will.
I think I am almost capable of finishing any young lady now.
I am sure you are. [Looking at the spirit lamp.] Is that alight? [They put their heads down close together to look at the lighted lamp.] That's all right.
Seems so. [They rise and look at one another.]
We'd better watch it, perhaps, in case it goes out. [They bob down again with their heads together and both sit on the same chair.] You'll get into an awful scrape over your share in last night's business, won't you?
Frightful; the thought depresses me.
Do you think Miss Dyott, or Mrs. Queckett, or whatever she is, will send you home?
She can't—she's got me for ever. She took me, years ago, for a bad debt.
How can she punish you then?
I think she will withdraw her confidence from me.
You won't despair, will you?
I'll try not to.
What a jolly little sailor's wife you'd make—brewing grog like this.
I hope I should do my duty in any station of life to which I might be called.
I'm a sailor, you know.
No—are you?
[Taking her hand and putting it to his lips.] You know I am.
[Suddenly.] It's going to boil over! [They jump up quickly, Mallory retreats.] Oh, no, it isn't. [Gwendoline and Ermyntrude enter, leading Reginald, with Saunders following. Reginald is in a deplorable condition, covered with snow and icicles, his face is white, and his nose red.] Oh, poor Mr. Paulover!
He's frost-bitten!
Thaw him by degrees. [Peggy mixes the grog. Gwendoline and Ermyntrude lead Reginald to a chair before the fire, he uttering some violent but incoherent exclamations.]
He's annoyed with Admiral Rankling. [The girls chafe his hands while he still mutters, with his eyes rolling.]
It's a good job his language is frozen. [Putting the glass of grog to his lips.]
[Reviving.] Thank you. Take my hat off, please—I bought it from a cabman. [Gwendoline removes his hat, which is very shabby.] Good morning! Where's my wife Dinah?
She's quite safe.
I must see her—speak to her!
You can't—she's locked up.
Then I must push a long letter under her door. She must, she shall, know that I am going to walk up and down outside this house all my life. [Faintly.] Bring writing materials!
I'll hunt for the pen and ink.
So will I.
[To Peggy.] No—no—you do it. These men are bachelors—they can't feel for me!
Here's a writing-table. [Peggy runs to Mallory and opens the lid of the writing-table.]
Note paper and envelopes—where's the—[opening one of the small drawers—she starts back with a cry.] Oh! [They all turn and look at her.]
What's the matter?
[Taking from the drawer a large bunch of keys, each with a small label, which she examines breathlessly.] Duplicate keys of all the rooms in the house! What gross carelessness—to leave keys in an open drawer! Girls, why should not we impress this fact upon Admiral Rankling by releasing Dinah immediately?
Oh, yes, yes.
[Seizing Peggy's hand.] Oh, Miss Hesslerigge, my father-in-law is entertaining an angel unawares.
Oh, stop, stop, stop—I don't think we're quite justified—
[Scornfully.] Hah, I told you he was merely a bachelor! [Pointing to Saunders.] So is his companion. Give me the keys?
No—no—I take the responsibility of this. I am a girl! [Going towards the door, and looking at Mallory and Saunders as they make way for her.] I hope you will repent your line of conduct, gentlemen. [She goes out.]
I think we all shall. [There is a sudden noise, as of some one falling down a couple of stairs. They start and listen.]
Oh!
What's that?
[Looking out at door.'] Here's Admiral Rankling! [There is a suppressed exclamation with a silent scamper to the further end of the room.]
[Indignantly.] What the deuce does a respectable man want out of bed at this unearthly hour?
[In a rage, outside the door.] Confound that!
Oh!
[Opening the door leading to the dark room.] Here's a room here. Shall we condescend to hide?
Yes. [They disappear hastily as Rankling appears in a dressing-gown, his face pale and his eyes red and wild.]
Hallo! Some one has been sitting up—candles—and a fire. Ah! [Sniffing and walking about the room, he goes straight to the mantelpiece upon which Reginald's grog has been left and takes up the tumbler.] It's Mallory. [With suppressed passion.] It's against the rules for anybody to sit up in my house!
[Calmly.] But I don't mind Mallory—I don't—[Looking at sofa.] Hallo—Mallory has been turning in here. [Going to the sofa and sitting there shaking with anger.] Are we never going to have any more daylight? How long am I to wait till that miserable schoolmistress releases the worm Queckett! Queckett! Uncle Vere! The reptile who has made a fool of me in the eyes of my wife and daughter! Ugh! But I must husband my strength for Queckett. I have been a very careful man all my life; as far as muscular economy goes, Queckett shall have the savings of a lifetime. [Lying down and pulling the rug over him.] Uncle Vere! Ah—I was a wild, impetuous, daring lad once—[going to sleep] and I can be unpleasant even now. I can! The Admiralty doesn't know it—Emma doesn't know it—Queckett shall know it. [He breathes heavily. The others have been peeping from their hiding place, and as they close the door, Peggy enters alone, quickly but silently. She looks for the others, then almost falls over Rankling on the sofa, at which she retreats with a suppressed screech of horror. Mallory opens the further door and gesticulates to her violently to be silent.]
[Petrified.] Oh, my goodness gracious! [Mallory comes and bends over Rankling, listening to his breathing; he then goes to Peggy.]
He's dropped off. Where is Mrs. Paulover?
She's not on that side of the house.
I've a plan for disposing of the old gentleman. Try the other side.
I'm going to. [Turning and clutching Mallory.] But, oh, Mr. Mallory, what do you think I've done?
That's impossible to conjecture.
I've made a mistake about the doors and—I have unlocked Mr. Queckett! [She goes out quickly, Mallory thinks for a moment, then bursts into a fit of silent laughter.]
I love that girl! [Reginald appears at the further door, gesticulating.]
[In a hoarse whisper.] Where is my wife? I cannot live longer without her! Where is Dinah?
Hush! She'll be here in a minute. Come out of there and lend me a hand. [Saunders, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude enter on tiptoe. To Reginald.] Now then—gently. [Mallory and Reginald each take an end of the sofa and carry Rankling out through the door into the dark room.]
[Breathlessly.] If they bump him, all's lost! [Mallory and Reginald re-appear.]
I feel warmer now.
Turn the key. Reginald turns the key as Dinah and Peggy enter cautiously.
Dinah!
Reggie!
My wife! [Reginald rushes down to Dinah and embraces her frantically. There is a general cry of relief as Mallory embraces Peggy, and Gwendoline throws her arms round Saunders. Suddenly there is the sound of some one stumbling downstairs, accompanied by a smothered exclamation.]
[Listening.] What's that?
[Peeping out at the door.] Here's Uncle Vere got loose. He has fallen downstairs.
Oh, bother! Come along, Dinah. [Reginald and Dinah, Saunders, Ermyntrude, and Gwendoline go out quickly.]
[To Mallory.] Rather bad taste of your nephew and those girls to run after a newly-married couple, isn't it?
Yes; we won't do it.
No; but we don't want to be bothered with your old friend, Queckett, do we?
No—he's an awful bore.
Is the conservatory heated? [Taking his arm.] I don't mind if it isn't. [They disappear into the conservatory. The door opens and Queckett, his face pale and haggard, enters, still wearing his hat and the short covert coat over his evening dress, and carrying his gloves and umbrella.]
To whom am I indebted for being let out? Was it by way of treachery, I wonder? Somebody has been sitting up late, or rising early! Who is it? [Sniffing and looking about him, then going straight to the mantelpiece, taking up the tumbler and smelling the contents.] I am anxious not to do any one an injustice, but that's Peggy. Oh, what a night I've passed! I have no hesitation in saying that the extremely bad behaviour of Caroline—of the lady I have married—and the ungovernable rage of Rankling, are indelibly impressed upon me. [Looking round nervously.] Good gracious! I am actually in the room where Rankling announced his intention of ultimately dislocating my vertebræ. I shall certainly not winter in England. [The clock strikes seven, he looks at his watch.] Seven. It will be wise to remain here till the first gleam of daylight, and then leave the house—unostentatiously. I will exchange no explanations with Caroline. I shall simply lay the whole circumstance of my injudicious, boyish marriage before my brother Bob and the other members of my family. Any allowance which Caroline may make me shall come through them. [There is a sound of something falling and breaking outside the room.] The deuce! What's that? [Going on tip-toe over to the door, and peeping out.] Somebody has knocked something over. [Snatching up his hat, gloves, and umbrella.] I sha'n't wait till daybreak if they're breaking other things. [He hurries to the other door, opens it, looks out, and closes it quickly.'] People sitting on the stairs! Is this a plot to surround me? The conservatory? [He goes quickly to the conservatory doors, opens them, then draws back closing them quickly.] Two persons under a palm tree. [There is a knock at the door on the rights] Oh! [Seeing the door leading to the dark room.] Where does that lead to? [He tries the door, unlocks it and looks in.] A dark room! Oh, I'm so thankful!
[He disappears, closing the door after him. The knocking outside is repeated, then the door opens and Miss Dyott enters. She is dressed in her burlesque queen costume, her face is pale. She carries the head, broken off at the neck, of a terra-cotta bust of a woman.]
I have broken a bust now. It is an embarrassing thing to break a bust in the house of comparative strangers. Oh, will it never be daylight? Does the milkman never come to Portland Place? I have been listening at the keyhole of Vere's room—not a sound. He can sleep with the ruin of Volumnia College upon his conscience while I—[sinking into a chair.'] Ah, I realize now the correctness of the poet's observation—"Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown!" [Queckett comes quietly from the dark room, much terrified'.]
Rankling's in there—asleep. In the dark I sat on him. Oh, what a narrow escape I've had! [Coming behind Miss Dyott and suddenly seeing her.] Caroline! Scylla and Charybdis! [He bolts back into the dark room.] Miss Dyott. [Rising alarmed.] What's that? [Mrs. Rankling enters in a peignoir.]
I heard something fall. [Seeing Miss Dyott.] Mrs. Queckett! [Distantly.] Instructions were given that everybody should be called at eight. I had arranged that a more appropriate costume should be placed at your disposal. [Seeing the broken bust.] Ah, what has happened?
I knocked over the pedestal.
[Distressed.] Oh, bust of myself by Belt! I saw him working on it! Oh, Mrs. Queckett, is there no end of the trouble you have brought upon us?