Bar.
That's no great matter: for variety
They may swear truth, else 'tis not much look'd after:
I will serve Process, presently, and strongly,
Upon your Brother, andOctavio,
Jacintha, and the Boy; provide your proofs, Sir,
And set 'em fairly off, be sure of Witnesses,
Though they cost mony, want no store of witnesses,
I have seen a handsome Cause so foully lost, Sir,
So beastly cast away for want of Witnesses.
Hen.
There shall want nothing.
Bar.
Then be gone, be provident,
Send to the Judge a secret way: you have me,
And let him understand the heart.
Hen.
I shall, Sir.
Bar.
And feel the pulses strongly beat, I'le study,
And at my hour, but mark me, go, be happy,
Go and believe i'th' Law.
Hen.
I hope 'twill help me.
[Exeunt.
SCENA II.
EnterLopez, Diego,and fourParishionersandSingers.
Lop.
Ne're talk to me, I will not stay amongst ye,
Debaush'd and ignorant lazie knaves I found ye,
And fools I leave ye. I have taught these twenty years,
Preacht spoon-meat to ye, that a Child might swallow,
Yet ye are Block-heads still: what should I say to ye?
Ye have neither faith, nor mony left to save ye,
Am I a fit companion for such Beggers?
1..
If the Shepheard will suffer the sheep to be scab'd, Sir—
Lop.
No, no ye are rotten.
Die.
Would they were, for my sake.
Lap.
I have Nointed ye, and Tarr'd ye with my Doctrine,
And yet the Murren sticks to ye, yet ye are Mangy,
I will avoid ye.
2..
Pray ye, Sir, be not angry,
In the pride of your new Cassock, do not part with us,
We do acknowledge ye are a careful Curate,
And one that seldom troubles us with Sermons,
A short slice of a Reading serves us, Sir,
We do acknowledge ye a quiet Teacher,
Before you'll vex your Audience, you'll sleep with 'em,
And that's a loving thing.
3..
We grant ye, Sir,
The only benefactor to our Bowling,
To all our merry Sports the first provoker,
And at our Feasts, we know there is no reason,
But you that edifie us most, should eat most.
Lop.
I will not stay for all this, ye shall know me
A man born to a more beseeming fortune
Than ringing all-in, to a rout of Dunces.
4..
We will increase your Tithes, you shall have Eggs too,
Though they may prove most dangerous to our Issues.
1..
I am a Smith; yet thus far out of my love,
You shall have the tenth Horse I prick, to pray for,
I am sure I prick five hundred in a year, Sir.
2..
I am a Cook, a man of a dri'd Conscience,
Yet thus far I relent: you shall have tith Pottage.
3.
Your stipend shall be rais'd too, good NeighbourDiego.
Die.
Would ye have me speak for ye? I am more angry,
Ten times more vex'd, not to be pacified:
No, there be other places for poor Sextons,
Places of profit, Friends, fine stirring places,
And people that know how to use our Offices,
Know what they were made for: I speak for such Capons?
Ye shall find the Key o'th' Church
Under the door, Neighbours,
You may go in, and drive away the Dawes.
Lop.
My Surpless, with one sleeve, you shall find there,
For to that dearth of Linnen you have driven me;
And the old Cutwork Cope, that hangs by Geometry:
'Pray ye turn 'em carefully, they are very tender;
The remnant of the Books, lie where they did, Neighbours,
Half puft away with the Church-wardens pipings,
Such smoaky zeals they have against hard places.
The Poor-mans Box is there too: if ye find any thing
Beside the Posie, and that half rub'd out too,
For fear it should awake too much charity,
Give it to pious uses, that is, spend it.
Die.
The Bell-ropes, they are strong enough to hang ye,
So we bequeath ye to your destiny.
1.
'Pray ye be not so hasty.
Die.
I'le speak a proud word to ye,
Would ye have us stay?
2.
We do most heartily pray ye.
3.
I'le draw as mighty drink, Sir.
Lop.
A strong motive,
The stronger still, the more ye come unto me.
3.And I'le send for my Daughter.
Lop.
This may stir too:
The Maiden is of age, and must be edified.
4.
You shall have any thing: lose our learned Vicar?
And our most constant friend; honest dearDiego?
Die.
Yet all this will not do: I'le tell ye, Neighbours,
And tell ye true, if ye will have us stay,
If you will have the comforts of our companies,
You shall be bound to do us right in these points,
You shall be bound, and this the obligation,
Dye when 'tis fit, that we may have fit duties,
And do not seek to draw out our undoings,
Marry try'd Women, that are free, and fruitful,
Get Children in abundance, for your Christnings,
Or suffer to be got, 'tis equal justice.
Lop.
Let Weddings, Christnings, Churchings, Funerals,
And merry Gossippings go round, go round still,
Round as a Pig, that we may find the profit.
Die.
And let your old men fall sick handsomely,
And dye immediately, their Sons may shoot up:
Let Women dye o'th' Sullens too, 'tis natural,
But be sure their Daughters be of age first,
That they may stock us still: your queazie young Wives
That perish undeliver'd, I am vext with,
And vext abundantly, it much concerns me,
There's a Child's Burial lost, look that be mended.
Lop.
Let 'em be brought to Bed, then dye when they please.
These things considered, Country-men, and sworn to.
2.
All these, and all our Sports again, and Gambols.
3.
We must dye, and we must live, and we'll be merry,
Every man shall be rich by one another.
2.
We are here to morrow and gone to day, for my part
If getting Children can befriend my Neighbours,
I'le labour hard but I'le fill your Font, Sir.
1.
I have a Mother now, and an old Father,
They are as sure your own, within these two months—
4.
My Sister must be pray'd for too, she is desperate,
Desperate in love.
Die.
Keep desperate men far from her,
Then 'twill go hard: do you see how melancholy?
Do you mark the man? do you profess ye love him?
And would do any thing to stay his fury?
And are ye unprovided to refresh him,
To make him know your loves? fie Neighbours.
2.
We'll do any thing.
We have brought Musick to appease his spirit,
And the best Song we'll give him.
Die.
'Pray ye sit down, Sir,
They know their duties now, and they stand ready
To tender their best mirth.
Lop.
'Tis well, proceed Neighbours,
I am glad I have brought ye to understand good manners,
Ye had Puritan hearts a-while, spurn'd at all pastimes,
But I see some hope now.
Die.
We are set, proceed Neighbours.
SONG.
1
Let the Bells ring, and let the Boys sing,The young Lasses skip and play,Let the Cups go round, till round goes the ground,Our Learned old Vicar will stay.
2
Let the Pig turn merrily, merrily ah,And let the fat Goose swim,For verily, verily, verily ah,Our Vicar this day shall be trim.
3