FOOTNOTES:[33]Evidently, an Imperial Messenger.[34]Apparently, a slate. The point is, that Russians still perform all their calculations on the ancient abacus, with marvellous rapidity, and look upon pen-and-paper or slate-and-pencil as a slow, cumbrous process.[35]By this twist of pronunciation the word becomes "storm-meter."[36]The North Sea. The Mediterranean, literally translated, is "Sredizemnoe"—Midland. Therefore the old gunsmith twists this into "Tverdezemnoe."[37]The old gunsmith uses a word which sounds fairly right, but means "a disturber."[38]By substituting anlfor adthe old gunsmith turns "under-skipper" into "half-skipper."
[33]Evidently, an Imperial Messenger.
[33]Evidently, an Imperial Messenger.
[34]Apparently, a slate. The point is, that Russians still perform all their calculations on the ancient abacus, with marvellous rapidity, and look upon pen-and-paper or slate-and-pencil as a slow, cumbrous process.
[34]Apparently, a slate. The point is, that Russians still perform all their calculations on the ancient abacus, with marvellous rapidity, and look upon pen-and-paper or slate-and-pencil as a slow, cumbrous process.
[35]By this twist of pronunciation the word becomes "storm-meter."
[35]By this twist of pronunciation the word becomes "storm-meter."
[36]The North Sea. The Mediterranean, literally translated, is "Sredizemnoe"—Midland. Therefore the old gunsmith twists this into "Tverdezemnoe."
[36]The North Sea. The Mediterranean, literally translated, is "Sredizemnoe"—Midland. Therefore the old gunsmith twists this into "Tverdezemnoe."
[37]The old gunsmith uses a word which sounds fairly right, but means "a disturber."
[37]The old gunsmith uses a word which sounds fairly right, but means "a disturber."
[38]By substituting anlfor adthe old gunsmith turns "under-skipper" into "half-skipper."
[38]By substituting anlfor adthe old gunsmith turns "under-skipper" into "half-skipper."
Their wager began on the Dryland Sea, and they drank until they came to Dunamund on the Gulf of Riga, but they always kept even, and did not yield to each other; and they kept so accurately even that when one of them, gazing at the sea, beheld an imp crawling out of the water, the same thing instantly revealed itself to the other. Only, the half-skipper beheld a red-headed imp, whereas the left-handed man declared that he was as swarthy as a Moor.
The left-handed man said: "Cross yourself and turn away—here is a friend from the Abyss;" and the Englishmandisputed, and declared that it was a "sea-puss."
"If you like," says he, "I'll toss you into the sea, and be not afraid—it will give you back to me immediately."
And the left-handed man replied: "If that is so, then throw me."
The half-skipper took him by the slack of the breeches, and carried him to the rail.
The sailors saw this, stopped them, and reported to the Captain, and he ordered them both to be locked up downstairs, and that they should be given rum and liquor and cold food, so that they might eat and drink and carry out their wager; but hot studing with fire[39]was not to be given to them because it might set fire to the spirits inside them.
And thus they were brought, in confinement, to Petrograd, and neither hadwon the wager from the other; and there they were placed on separate carts, and the Englishman was carried to the house of the Ambassador, on the English Quay, while the left-handed man was taken to the police station.
And from that time on their fates began to differ greatly.
FOOTNOTE:[39]"Studen" means "cold." The gunsmith converts it into hot plum-pudding with blazing brandy.
[39]"Studen" means "cold." The gunsmith converts it into hot plum-pudding with blazing brandy.
[39]"Studen" means "cold." The gunsmith converts it into hot plum-pudding with blazing brandy.
When the Englishman was brought to the Embassy, they immediately summoned to him a medical man and an apothecary. The medical man ordered him to be placed in a warm bath, while the apothecary instantly rolled a gutta-percha pill, and thrust it into his mouth, and then they took hold of him, and laid him on a feather-bed and covered him with a fur coat, and left him to sweat; and that no one might disturb him, orders were issued throughout the whole Embassy that no one should dareso much as to sneeze. The medical man and the apothecary waited until the half-skipper had fallen asleep, and then they prepared another gutta-percha pill for him, laid it on a small table by the head of his bed, and went away.
But the left-handed man was tumbled down on the floor of the police station, and asked: "Who are you, and whence come you, and have you a passport or any other tugament?"
But he, from illness, drinking, and the long pitching on the ship, had grown so weak that he answered not a word, but only groaned.
Then they immediately searched him, took his motley garment off of him, and seized his money and his repeater-watch, and the Inspector ordered that he be taken, gratis, to the hospital, by the first cabman who happened along.[40]
A policeman led the left-handed man out to place him in a sledge, but for a long time he could not catch one, because cabmen shun the police. And all this time the left-handed man lay on the cold pavement; then the policeman caught a sledge, only without a warm laprobe, because on such occasions cabmen hide their laprobes in the sledges under them, in order that the policeman's feet may get chilled the more quickly. So they carried the left-handed man uncovered, and when they began to shift him from one sledge to another they kept dropping him, and when they picked him up they tweaked his ears to bring him to his senses. They carried him to one hospital, but there they would not take him in because he had no tugament. They carried him toanother, and there, also, they would not receive him, and so, also, at a third, and a fourth; they dragged him about until morning dawned, through all the most tangled and distant ways, and kept shifting him incessantly, so that they completely wore him out. Then one assistant medical man told the policeman to take him to the Obukhoff hospital for common people, where they receive all people of unknown rank to die.
There they ordered a receipt to be given, and the left-handed man to be set upon the floor in the corridor until he should be examined.
But at the same hour on the following day, the English half-skipper rose, swallowed the second gutta-percha pill, ate a light breakfast of chicken and rice, drank airfixe, and said: "Where is my Russian comrade? I will go and seek him."
He dressed himself and sallied forth.
FOOTNOTE:[40]Policemen have the right to use cabs thus, gratis, for the transportation of intoxicated persons, each cabman being obliged to convey him to the boundary of that particular police district; after which, he is trans-shipped to another reluctant cabman; and so on.
[40]Policemen have the right to use cabs thus, gratis, for the transportation of intoxicated persons, each cabman being obliged to convey him to the boundary of that particular police district; after which, he is trans-shipped to another reluctant cabman; and so on.
[40]Policemen have the right to use cabs thus, gratis, for the transportation of intoxicated persons, each cabman being obliged to convey him to the boundary of that particular police district; after which, he is trans-shipped to another reluctant cabman; and so on.
By some wonderful means the half-skipper found the left-handed man rather speedily, only they had not yet put him to bed, but he still lay on the floor of the corridor and complained to the Englishman: "I must say a couple of words to the Emperor without fail."
The Englishman hastened to Count Kleinmichel and made a row: "How can they treat him so? He has a human soul," says he, "even if he has only a sheepskin coat."
For this bit of reasoning they immediately chased the Englishman away,—because he had dared to mention the human soul. And then some one said to him: "You had better go to Cossack Platoff—he has simple feelings."
The Englishman got at Platoff, who was now reclining on his couch once more. Platoff listened to him and recalled the left-handed man.
"Certainly, my friend," says he, "I am very intimately acquainted with him—I have even tweaked him by the hair—only I know not how I can assist him in his present unhappy plight, because I am now entirely out of the service and have received full pension, so they no longer respect me; but do you run quickly to Commandant Skobeleff; he is in power, and also experienced in this sort of thing—he will do something."
And the half-skipper went to Skobeleff, and told him everything; what the left-handed man's illness was, and how he had contracted it. Says Skobeleff: "I understand this complaint, only the Germans cannot cure it; but some sort of a doctor of the ecclesiastical vocation is needed here, because those fellows have been reared on such examples, and they can give aid. I will immediately send thither the Russian doctor, Martyn-Solsky."
But when Martyn-Solsky arrived, the left-handed man was breathing his last, because he had cracked his neck on the pavement, and could utter intelligibly only these words: "Tell the Emperor that the English do not clean their guns with brick-dust. Let them not clean their guns so among us; otherwise—God preserve us from war—they will not be fit to fire." And with this assurance the left-handed man crossed himself and died.
Then Martyn-Solsky immediately went and reported this to Count Tchernyscheff in order that he might announce it to the Emperor. But Count Tchernyscheff shouted at him: "Stick to your emetics and cathartics and don't meddle in what is none of your business—we have Generals in Russia to attend to that!"
And so they did not tell the Emperor, and this mode of cleaning continueddown to the very date of the Crimean campaign. At that time, when they began to load their guns the bullets rattled about in them, because they had been cleaned with brick-dust. Then Martyn-Solsky reminded Count Tchernyscheff of the left-handed man, and Count Tchernyscheff said: "Go to the devil, you windbag! Don't meddle with what does not concern you, or I'll deny that I ever heard anything about this from you—and won't you just catch it!"
Martyn-Solsky reflected: "He actually will deny it," and so he held his tongue.
But if he had reported the left-handed man's words to the Emperor in season, the war with the enemy in the Crimea would have taken quite a different turn.
And now all this is "a matter of bygone days" and "traditions of the oldentimes," albeit they are not so very ancient. But there is no need to make haste to forget these traditions, in spite of the fabulous style of the legend, and the epic character of its principal hero. The actual name of that hero, like the names of many of the greatest geniuses, is forever lost to posterity; but, considered as a myth personified by popular fancy, it is interesting, and his deeds may serve as a memorial of the epoch of which the general spirit has been faithfully and accurately caught.
Of course, there are no longer any such master-workmen in Tula as this fabulous, left-handed man; machines have evened up the inequalities of talents and gifts, and genius is not eager to struggle against industry and accuracy. Machines, while favorable to a rise in wages, are not favorable to artistic enterprise, which formerly exceeded measure, inspiring the popular fancy to thefabrication of legends similar to the one in hand.
Workmen, naturally, understand how to prize the benefits which have accrued to them from the practical adjustments of mechanical science, but they allude to the days that are past with pride and affection. This is their epos, and it has, moreover, a great deal of the "human soul" about it.
Three hundred copies were printed by D. B. Updike, at The Merrymount Press, Boston, in October, 1916, of which this is Number 66.
Three hundred copies were printed by D. B. Updike, at The Merrymount Press, Boston, in October, 1916, of which this is Number 66.