If it be true that there is a Mountain of Mirth and pleasure for young married people to ascend unto, these are certainly the finest and smoothest conductors to it; that, because it was impossible to invite every one to the Wedding, this sweetVenusmust be led abroad, and shewed to all her husbands friends & acquaintance: yea, all the World must see what a pretty couple they are, and how handsomly they agree together. To which end they trick and prick themselves daily up in their best apparel; garnishing both the whole city and streets with tatling and pratling; & staring into the houses of all their acquaintance to see whether they are looked at.
Plate 3Folio 52.Published by The Navarre Society, London.
Do but see what a mighty and surpassing mirth! for they hardly can go ten or twelve furlongs but they constantly meet and are saluted by some of their acquaintance, wishing them all health, happiness and prosperity; or by others invited to come in, and are treated according as occasion presents, wishing them also much joy in their married estate; Yea the great Bowl is rins'd, and about goes a brimmer to the good prosperity of the young couple. Well, thinks the young woman, what a vast difference there is between being a married woman & a maid! How every one receives & treats you! What respect and honour every one shews you! How you go daily in all your gallantry taking pleasure! And how every where you are fawn'd upon, imbrac'd and kist, receiving all manner of friendship! It is no wonder that all womankind are so desirous of marriage, and no sooner lose their first husbands, but they think immediately how to get a second? Oh, saith she, what a fulness of joy there is in the married estate, by Virginity! I resolve therefore to think also upon my Bridemaids, and to recommend them where ever there is occasion.
And this is the least yet, do but see! what for greater pleasure! for every foot you are invited out here & there to a new treat, that is oft-times as noble and as gallant as the Wedding was, and are plac'd alwaies at the upper end of the Table. If next day you be but a little drousie, or that the head akes; the husbandknows a present remedy to settle the brain; and the first thing he saith, is, Come lets go to see Master or Mistriss such a one, and walk out of Town to refresh our selves, or else go and take the air upon theThameswith a Pair of Oars. Here is such a fresh mirth again that allLambeth, theBankside, andSouthwarkshakes with it. Oh thatApollowould but drive his horses slowly, that the day might be three hours longer; for it is too soon to depart, and that for fear of a pocky setting of the Watch. So that its every day Fair-time. Well, who is so blind that he cannot see the abundant pleasures of marriage?
To this again, no sooner has the young couple been some few daies at rest, and begin to see that the invitements decline; but the young woman talks of going out of Town together, and to take their pleasures in other Towns and Cities, first in the next adjacent places, and then to others that ly remoter; for, because she never was there, and having heard them commended to be such curious and neat places, she hath a great mind to seeOxfordandCambridge.
Yea, and then she saith, my dear, we must go also to seeYork,GlocesterandBristol, and take our pleasures those waies; for I have heard my Fathers Book keeper often say, that it is very pleasant travelling thither, and all things very cheap. And when he began to relate any thing of Kent, and its multiplicity of fruit, my very heart leapt up for joy; thinking to my self, assoon as I am married, I will immediately be pressing my husband that we may go thither; because it seem'd to me almost incredible. And then again he would sometimes relate ofHerefordshirewhat delicious Syder and Perry is made there, which I am a great lover of; truly Hony, we must needs go that way once, that I may say I have satiated my self with it, at the Fountain-head. Ah, my dearest, let us go thither next week.
It is most certain that the Good-man hath no mind at all to be thus much longer out of his house, & from his vocation; by reason he is already so much behind hand with his loss of time in Wooing, Wedding, Feasting and taking pleasure; but alas, let him say what he will, he cannot disswade her from it.
You may as soon retort the wind,As make a woman change her mind.
In the night she dreams on't, and by day she talks on't, and alwaies concludes this to be her certain rule. "The first year won't come again. If we don't take some pleasure now, when shall we do it! Oh, my Dear, a year hence we may have a child, then its impossible for me to go any where, but I shall be tied like a Dog to a chain: And truly, why should not we do it as well as they & they did; for they were out a month or two, and took their pleasures to thepurpose? my Mother, or my Cousin will look to our house; come let us go also out of Town! For the first year will not come again."
Well, what shall the good man do? if he will have quietness with his wife, he must let her have her will, or else she will be daily tormenting of him. And to give her harsh language, he can't do that, for he loves her too well. His father also taught him this saying, for a marriage lesson,Have a care of making the first difference.If he speak unkindly to her, his Love might be angry, and then that would occasion the first difference, which he by no means willingly would be guilty of; for then these Pleasures would not have their full swing.
Well, away they go now out of Town: But, uds lid, what a weighty trunk they send the Porter with to the Carriers! For they take all their best apparel with them, that their friends in the Country, may see all their bravery. And besides all this, there must be a riding Gown, and some other new accoutrements made for the journy, or else it would have no grace.
Now then, away they go, every one wishing them all health and prosperity upon their journy, & so do I.
But see! they are hardly ridden ten mile out of Town, before the young woman begins to be so ill with the horses jolting, that she thinks the World turns topsie-turvy with her. Oh she's so ill, that she fears she shall vomit her veryheart up. Then down lights her husband, to take her off, and hold her head, and is in such a peck of troubles, that he knows not which way to turn or wind himself. Wishing that he might give all that he's worth in the World to be at a good Inn. And she poor creature falling into a swoon, makes him look as if he had bepist himself, & though he sighs and laments excessively she hears him not; which occasions him such an extremity of grief that he's ready to tear the hair off of his head. But the quamishness of her stomack beginning to decline, she recovers; and rising, they walk for a little space softly forwards; the good man thinking with himself how he shall do to get his dearly beloved to an Inn, that she may there rest her distempered body. And then getting her up again, they ride very softly forwards, to get to the end of their journy.
Truly, I must confess, that amongst the rest of the Pleasures of marriage, this is but a very sorry one. But stay a little, yonder me thinks I see the Steeple, we shall be there presently; the little trouble and grief you have had, will make the salutations you receive, and the scituation of the place seem so much the pleasanter. And these dainty green Meadows will be a delicate refreshment. You'l find your stomack not only sharpned, but also curiously cleansed of all sorts of filthy and slimy humours. And you light not sooner from your horse then yourappetite is ready to entertain what ever comes before you: The good Man in the mean while is contriving at whose house he shall first whet his knife, and where he thinks his poor wearied wife will receive the best entertainment and caresses, to drive out of her imaginations the troubles and wearisomness of her journy; which will the easier be dispensed with, when she walks out to see the rarities of the place, and to visit your Cousins and relations. And so much the more, because every one will be wishing the new married couple much joy, receiving them kindly, and doing them all manner of pleasures and civilities: which I assure you is no small matter of mirth.
But every thing must have an end. It is therefore now very meet to speak of removing to some other City. But let the husband say what he will of travelling by horseback, she is struck on that ear with an incurable deafness.
They must have a Coach to themselves, and the great Trunk must go along with them, or else the whole journy would have no grace. Neither would it be respect enough for them in the presence of so many good friends and acquaintance, unless the Coach come to take them up at the dore. And it must be done to. Here now one is returning thanks for th'entertainment, and the other for their kind visit, and withall wish the young couple that all content, pleasure, and delight may further attend them upon theirjourny, &c. Then it is Drive on Coachman, and away fly the poor jades through the streets, striking fire out of the liveless stones, as if Pluto just at the same time were upon the flight with his Proserpina through the City.
But, O new married couple, what price do you little think this mirth will stand you at? What man is there in the World, that hath ever an eye in his head, but must needs see, that if he tarry out long, this must be the ready way to Brokers-Hall. Yet nevertheless I confess you must do it, if you intend to have any peace or quietness with your new wife.
These are the first fruits and pleasures of marriage, therefore you must not so much as consider, nay hardly think, of being so long from home, though in the mean while all things there is going also the ready way to destruction; for it is the fashion, at such times, that maid, man, and all that are in your service, to act their own parts; and so merry they are that they possess their own freedom, and keep open Table, that the whole neighbourhood hears their laughter. Ask the neighbours when you come home, and you will quickly hear, that by them was no thought of care or sorrow; but that they have plaied, ranted and domineer'd so that the whole neighbourhood rung with it; and how they have played their parts either with some dried Baker, pricklouse Tailor, or smoaky Smith, they themselves know best.
Down goes the spit to the fire; the pudding pan prepared; and if there be either Wine, Beer or any thing else wanting; though the Cellar be lockt; yet, by one means or another, they find out such pretty devices to juggle the Wine out of the Cask, nay and Sugar to boot too; that their inventions surpass all the stratagems that are quoted by the Author of the English Rogue; of which I could insert a vast number, but fear that it would occasion an ill example to the unlearned in that study. Howsoever they that have kept house long, and had both men & maid-servants, have undoubtedly found both the truth and experience hereof sufficiently. And how many maids, in this manner, have been eased of that heavy burthen of their maidenheads, is well known to the whole World.
These are also some of the first fruits and delights of marriage; but if they were of the greatest sort, they might be esteemed and approved of to be curable, or a remedy found for prevention. Yet let them be of what state and condition they will, every one feels the damage and inconvenience thereof, ten times more then it is outwardly visible unto him, or can comprehend. For if you saw it you would by one or other means shun or prevent it. But now, let it be who it will, whether Counsellor, Doctor, Merchant, or Shopkeeper; the one neglects his Clients Suit, the other his Patients, the third his Negotiation & Trade, and the fourth hisCustomers; none of them all oft-times knowing from whence it arises that their first years gain is so inconsiderable. For above the continual running on of house-rent, the neglect and unnecessary expensive charge of servants; you consume your self also much mony in travelling and pleasure; besides the peril and uneasiness that you suffer to please and complaite your new married Mistris. O miserable pleasure!
But you will be sure to find the greatest calamity of this delight, as soon as you return home again; if you only observe the motions of your wife, for whose pleasure and felicity you have been so long from home. Alas she is so wearied and tired with tumbling and travelling up & down, that she complains as if her back were broke, and it is impossible for her to rise before it is about dinner time; nay and then neither hardly unless she hear that there is something prepared suitable to her appetite. If any thing either at noon or night is to be prepared and made ready, the husband must take care and give order for the doing of it; the good woman being yet so weary, that she cannot settle her self to it; yea it is too much for her to walk about her chamber, her very joints being as it were dislocated with the troublesomness of the journy.
In the mean while the servants they ly simpring, giggling, and laughing at one another, doing just what they list, and wishing that theirMistris might be alwaies in that temper, then they were sure to have the more freedom to themselves: the which, though done by stealth, they make as bad as may be: and yet hardly any man, tho he had the eyes ofArgoluscan attrap them; for if by chance you should perceive any thing, they will find one excuse or another to delude you, and look as demure as a dog in a halter, whereby the good man is easily pacified and satisfied for that time.
And these things are more predominant, when there is a cunning slut of a Maid, that knows but how to serve and flatter her Mistris well, getting her by that means upon her side: in such cases you'l generally see two maids where one might serve, or else a Chair-woman; the one to do all the course work, the other to run of errands and lend a helping hand (if she hath a mind to it) that all things may the sooner be set in order; & she then with her Mistris may go a gadding.
And because Peggy & her Mistris, do in this manner, as it were, like a Jack in a box, jump into each others humour, the good woman may take her rest the better; for she hath caretakers enough about the house. And if the husband, coming from the Change or other important affair, seems to be any waies discontented, that all things lies stragling about the house, & are not set in order, presently crafty Peggy finds a fit expedient for it with complaining that herMistris hath had such an insufferable pain in her head and in her belly, that it was beyond imagination; & also she could get no ease for her, unless she had prepared her some butter'd Ale, and a little mul'd Sack; and this is the reason why all things were not so ready as they ought to have been.
Herewith the good mans mouth is stopt. If he begins afterwards to speak with his wife concerning th'unnecessary Chair-women; his answer is, prithee Sweetheart, don't you trouble your self with those things, leave that to me, I'l manage that to the best advantage; men have no understanding about house-keeping; & it is most proper for a woman to have the governance of her Maids. And also Sweetheart, if there be now and then occasion for a semstress or a Chair-woman, they are things of so small importance, that they are not worth the speaking of.
Now, if he will have peace and quietness at home, this reply must give him full satisfaction; and tho he be never so patient, viewing all things at a distance; yet the maids behind his back, that their Mistris may more then overhear it, dare call him, a TomPeep in the pot, orGoodman busiebody. And before dinner is fully done, he must hearPegasking her Mistris; Mistris, wont you please forsooth, to go by and by and give MistrisMoodya visit, or discourse a little with Madam Elenor? As long as youhave nothing to do, what need you ty your self to any thing? Pray tell her that story that the North Country Gentleman related, which you laught at yesterday so heartily. MadamElenorwill admire at it. And I'm sure she hath something that she will relate unto you. Herewith the good Mistris begins to get a drift, and away she goes withPegout of dores. Let it go then as it will with the house keeping.
This is also no small pleasure, when the Mistris and the Maid alwaies agree so lovingly together! then the husband need not go any more out of Town to please his wives fancy; for she can now find pleasure enough by her old acquaintance sweet MistrisMoody, and courteous MadamElenor.
Do but see now, O Lovers, what multiplicity of roses, and thistles there are in the very Porch of the Wilderness of Marriage; you may think then what the middle and end must be.
Chapter Separator
Plate 4Folio 52.Published by the Navarre Society, London.
Verily it is a great pleasure for the new married couple, that they have been up and down taking their pleasure, and have been feasted by all their acquaintance.
Now they have travelled from place to place, and taken a full view of what friends and relations each other hath; and seen also the great difference there is in the ornaments, neatness, manners and deportments of each place, and also how pleasant theHills,DalesandMeadowslie, with their silver streaming Brooks; but most particularly, how neatly and compleatly one may, for their mony, be treated. Yet come finally to a consideration within themselves of the weakness and vanity of this pleasure; perceiving that all those who possess it, at last conclude it burthensom, and have a longing desire to be athome again in a frugal management of house-keeping at their own Tables.
Verily, this is that happy hour of pleasure that the new married man hath been long seeking for; to the end he might once be freed from all such idle expences, and be again carefully looking after his affairs and vocation. Now he begins to hope that all things will come into a handsom posture; also not doubting, but that his wife will, having had her full swing and hearts content of treats and all other sorts of pleasures, begin like a House-Wife, to order her self to take some care for the concerns of the Family, which indeed oft-times falls out so, to the great joy, profit, and tranquility of the good man.
But can it be possible that this sweet pleasure should be so disht up, without some bitter sauce of discontent? O kind Husband, if you will beleeve that, then you may well think the whole state and term of your marriage to be a Paradice upon earth; and that you have already got footing in the high-way to all fullness of pleasures and contentments: Yet tarry a few daies, and then experience will give you a better understanding of further pleasures.
For the new Wife is no sooner come to be at quiet; but she begins to complain, that she can hardly addict her self to this new way of life; that it appears very strange and odly to her to converse with a new Maid, by reason she mustbe telling her this thing, and commanding her the t'other; and have a regard of all what she does, which are things that she before never used to trouble her self with; and that it is such a trouble to her to be out of her Parents house, in a strange dwelling place: Nay, this oft-times surges so high, that the good man hath his hands full of work to comfort her, and to talk these foolish fancies out of her noddle; and verily, unless he can bridle her frivolous humour with some pleasant discourses, and dry up her tears with no small number of kisses; oh then he'l be sadly put to't. And if this all falls out well, before six weeks are at an end, there'l appear another dark cloud again, to eclipse this splendant Sunshine.
For behold, within a very small time the good woman begins to scrape acquaintance, and get some familiarity with her neighbours, which increaseth from day to day more and more; nay oftentimes it comes to that height, she's better to be found among her neighbours, then at home in her own family. Here she sees Mistris Wanton playing with her child that is a very pretty Babe. There she sees MistresBreedwellmaking ready her Child-bed linnens and getting of her Clouts together. Yonder MistrisMaudlencomplains that she doth not prove with child; & then MistresYoung-at-itbrags how nearly she could reckon from the very bed-side. Oh then she thinks I have been married this threemonths, and know nothing at all of these things; it is with me still as if I were yet a maid: What certainly should be the reason thereof?
This is the first occasion that begets a great disturbance in the brain-pan and imagination; and wo be to the good man, if he doth not understand his Py-work well! Then to the end she may hear the better how things goes; she inquires very earnestly amongst her acquaintance what caresses they receive from their husbands; and most shamlesly relates what hath passed between her and her husband, twixt the curtains, or under the Rose; which she doth to that purpose, that she may hear whether her husband understands his work well, and whether he doth it well, and oft enough; and also whether he be fully fit for the employ, &c. for the verification whereof the Councel of women bring so many compleat relations, that it is a shame to think, much more to speak of them.
Whosoever she speaks with every one pities her, and gives her their advice: And the best sort will at the least say to her, I would oftentimes treat my husband with such sort of spices as were good for my self,viz.Oisters, Egs, Cox-combs, sweet breads, Lam-stones, Caveer, &c. and counsell him every morning to go to the Coffe-house and drink some Chocolate; & above all things advise him to desist from Tabacco and drying things, or any other things that are too cooling for the kidneys. And thenI would many times my self by dallying with him, and some other pretty Wanton postures, try to provoke him to it; whereby he should surely know that it was neither your coolness, nor want of desire that might be blamed in it; but rather alwaies confess, that you had sufficiently done your indeavour.
Who will doubt but that she puts this advice, in operation? O happy man, who art now every foot treated with some new sorts of kickshaws at your Table; and have free leave to frequent the Coffy-house, which other women grumble and mumble at. And besides all this, you find that your dearest embraceth you as if you were an Angel, and shews you a thousand other friendly entertainments that are beyond imagination to express: it is alwaies in the evening, my Dear come to bed: and in the morning, pray Love ly a little longer. These are most certainly very great pleasures.
But if the Woman marks that this helps not, and that all things remain in the old posture, then she begins to mump and maunder at her husband; vaunting much of her own fitness, and not a little suspecting her husbands; oftentimes calling him a Fumbler, a dry-boots, and a good man Do-little, &c.
This makes him look as if he had beshit him self. And though he never so much indeavours to vindicate himself; and also to perswade her from the reasons and examples given by severallearned Doctors; Culpepper; the Queens Midwife; and some others of his friends and acquaintance that he demonstrates unto her; it is all but wind. She still complains, I must have a Child, or else I shall run distracted.
And this manner of frantickness hath so vehemently struck into her brains, that the very house seems to burn over her head: Insomuch that she's no sooner risen from her bed or from the Table, but immediately she goeth a gadding amongst the neighbours; and takes other peoples children in her arms, kissing and slabbring of them so unmeasurably, as if she would almost devour them with love; nay she useth more simple and childish actions with them, then ever own mothers have done. By which means the children have many times as great an affection for their neighbour, as they have for their own Father and Mother.
This gadding out of dores doth undoubtedly a little trouble her husband: But when he begins to consider, that his wife by this means knows how to handle, and make much of children; and then again, that she thus beforehand learns it for nothing; it must of necessity be no less then a great pleasure for him. And so much the more, whilest she is pratling with her neighbour, and playing with her child; he is freed from the curse of hearing her sighs and complaints to have a child. For she's no sooner within the dores, but she talks of her neighbourschild, and wishes with the loss of all that shes worth in the World that she had such a one too; which continues alwaies so long, that finally she bursts out into the like former frenzy against her husband: see there I must have a child also, or else I shall run distracted.
But what remedy? which way he turns or winds himself, he finds no means or way how to pacifie his wife. And therefore thinks it best himself to take th'advice of Doctor, and most especially with that French Doctor, who is so renowned for his skill of making many men and women that before were barren and unfruitfull to conceive children: Insomuch that they do now every year precisely bear a young son, or a daughter, yea somtimes two at a time. It is thereby also very necessary that the good woman her self consult with some experienced Midwives, and old Doctresses; to the end, that those distempers which are the occasion of barrenness, might be the better removed and taken away.
To this end there are almost as many Boxes and Gally-pots brought together, as would near upon furnish an Apothecaries shop: Then to work they go with smearing, anointing, chafing, infusing, wherewith (as they term it) the good woman is to be made fresh and fit; but they make the bed and whole house so full of stink and vapours, that it may be said they rather stop the good and wholesom pores and other parts ofthe body; then to open those that were stopt and caused Distempers.
But in the conclusion we find it to be both fruitless and miserable, where the good woman goes to seek it by th'Apothecary; even as her husband doth out of the Oister and Eg-shels.
And if this will not do now; where shall the poor man hide his head next? What shall he do more to please and pacifie her? He thinks upon all the ways and means possible to entertain her to content. If she will have costly things, he will buy them for her; and dissimulately saith that all what she practiseth for her content, is his only pleasure and delight: yea, although her pride and ambition many times in several things flies too high, and oft-times also doth not happen to be very suitable with the constitution of the cash; he dares in no wise contradict her, for he fears that she will presently be at variance with him again: And thinks in the interim, whilest her mind hangs upon these things, she forgets her maunding and mumbling for a child. Still hoping that there will come one happy night, that may crown his earnest desires with fructivity; this it is that makes him that he dares not anger her or give her a sour countenance; fearing that if she might have conceived, that would be the means of turning the tide.
To be short, it is his only and greatest delight to see that his wife is well satisfied and receiveth her content and pleasure; which is very hardto be practised, so long as she is not with child.
But O what a joy there will be if he may be but once so happy as to hit that mark! How will the first day of her reckoning to ly in stand in his Almanack, as if it were printed with a red Letter! Well young people, be contented; Long look'd for comes at last to the satisfaction of the Master.
Chapter Separator
The old Proverb tels us, that after the sour comes the sweet; and I find, jolly couple, that it is so with you also; for I hear finally that your wife is big with child: Well what a Pleasure is that! Certainly, now you see that all your Doctoring and medicining hath been to some purpose, and now you feel also that all herbs were made for some good effects.
How happy a thing it is that you have made use of a learned Doctor, and an experienced Midwife. Now is the only time to be very carefull, for fear the least accident might turn the tide with the young woman, and so she get a mischance, or some other sad mishap; and a mischance is worse for her than a true Child-bearing; for that weakens nature abundantly, and oftentimes brings with it several sad consequences, & Thus the women talk.
Plate 5Folio 85.Published by The Navarre Society, London.
But you, O noble Champion, who have behaved your self so gallantly; continue now to reap the further conquests of your honour. Look not at any small matters; and most especially if you hope or desire to gain the principal prize of your pleasure. For be assured, that you must suffer much, and see through a perspective glass all things at a distance; because you never before saw your wife in so gallant a state and condition as she now is in; and therefore you must cherish and preserve her much more then formerly you have done. If you hear her often grunt and groan, mumble and chide, either with the men or maid-servants; nay, though it were with your own self, you must pass it by, not concerning your self at it; and imagine that you do it for the respect you bear your wife, but not by constraint; for it is common with big-bellied women to do so.
But most especially rejoice in your self, if this grunting and groaning happen only by day time; because then you may somtimes avoid it, or divertise your self with other company. Yet by night generally shall the good woman be worst of all? therefore be sure to provide your self well with pure Aniseed, Clove, Cinamon-waters, and good sack, that you may therewith be ready to strengthen and assist her. For it will often happen that when you are in your best and first Sleep, that your dearest wil waken you and complain of pain at her heart, of dizziness and great faintness; then all what is in the house must bestirring, and you your self also, though it be never so cold, out of the bed you must with all the speed possible. Comfort your self herewith, that this was one of the pleasures which you got with your wife, though it was not set down in the Contract of marriage.
Now for this again you alwaies receive the honour, that when you are invited with her to any place at a treat, the best that is upon the Table shall be presented to the big-bellied woman: Yea if she long or have a desire to any thing; immediately every one that observes it, are ready to serve her with it; nay, though there were never so little in the Dish, her longing must be fully satisfied, if no body else should so much as tast of it. And by this means oftentimes the good woman is so ill and disturbed, that she is forced to rise from the Table, and falls from one faintness into another; which for civilities sake, is then baptized, that she hath sat too high or been throng'd, or that the room being so full, the breath of the people offended her.
And though she perceives that this very food makes her so ill; yet for the most part she will be so choice and so dainty, that she seldom knows her self what she will eat or hath a mind to; but generally it tends to some thing or other that is delicate: Upon this manner again, according to the former custom, she tumbles it in till she is sick with it; and if any one looksbut very wishly at her; immediately another saies to them; she must eat for two, nay perhaps for three.
And not only that in this manner she grows so delicate and gluttonous; but is thereby so easie and lazy, that she can hardly longer indure her sowing cushion upon her lap. Also sitting is not good for her, for fear the child thereby might receive some hindrance and an heartfullness. Therefore she must often walk abroad; and to that end an occasion is found to go every day a pratling and gossiping to this and then to another place; in the mean while leaving her husband without a wife, and the family without a mistris.
Then in conclusion this falls also burthensom to her, (as it is generally with all things that are too frequently used) then she will be for spurring you up to walk abroad with her, that she may get all sorts of fruits and other fopperies that the season of the year affords; and at the first baiting-place she's for some Cream with sugar, stewd prunes, and a bottle of sider or perry; and thus abroad to spend much, and at home neglect more.
If she have then gone somthing far, she is so excessive weary with it, that if her life must ly at stake, she cannot set one foot further. Herewith is the poor man absolutely put to a stand: ride she may not, or all the fat would be in the fire; and they are so deep in the Countrythat there is somtimes neither Coach nor boat to be had.
And if you should happen to be where a River is, there's never a boat to be had; but if there should be one, then you must be subject to humour the churlish Ferry man, who seeing the necessity of the occasion, and that you are able to pay for it, will have what price he pleases. And somtimes again you are timorous your self to hazard it, because many women are very fearfull upon the water.
But indeed, if by this unhappy occasion, a good expedient may be found to please your dearly beloved, it is no small joy. Well then make your self jocund herewith, to the end that other troubles may not so much molest and disturb you.
You may also be very well assured, that your wife no sooner comes to be a little big-bellied, but she receives the priviledge to have all what she hath a mind to & that is called Longing. And what husband can be so stern or barbarous that he will deny his wife at such a time what she longs for? especially if it be a true love of a woman, you must never hinder her of her longing; for then certainly the child would have some hindrance by it.
Forasmuch then as is necessary that you alwaies seek to avoid and prevent this, you must observe, that all women when they are with child, do fall commonly from one longing toanother: And then the providing and buying of that for them, must be as great a pleasure to you as it is to them in the receiving and use of it; and that not alone for theirs, but your childs sake also. And truly he that will or cannot suit himself to this humour, will be very unhappy, because he shall not then receive the full scope and freedom of this pleasure.
It is also most certain that these longing desires doth transport their imaginations from one finical thing to another: If it be in the summer, then they long for China Oranges, Sivil Lemmons, the largest Asparagus, Strawberries with wine and sugar, Cherries of all sorts, and in like manner of Plums, and these they must have their fill of: And then when they have gotten through the continuance their full satisfaction thereof; then be assured they begin to long for some great Peaches and Apricocks; And though they be never so scarce and dear, yet the woman must not lose her longing, for the child might get a blemish by it.
If then Apples and Pears begin to grow ripe, you have the same tune to sing again; for she is possessed with a new longing desire as bad, as if it were a Quotidian Ague in all the joints of her body; and whatsoever comes new to her sight, creates in her a fresh longing. If she gets one hour curious Catherine Pears, Pippins, or Russetings, the next she hath a mind to Filberds; and then an hour or two later Wall nuts andGrapes fall into her thoughts; do what you will there's no help for it, her longing must be satisfied, let it go as it will, or cost what it will.
And this her longing leads her from one thing to another, of all what the richness of the summer, or liberality of the harvest, out of their superfluities pour down upon us. Insomuch that the good man wishes a thousand times over that he might once be rid of these terrible charges and great expence.
But alas what helps it? there's no season of the year but gives us some or other new fruits that the women have alwaies a new longing desire to. And if it be in the Winter, then they long for juicy Pomgranates, new Wine upon the must, with Chesnuts; then for Colchester Oisters; then again for Pancakes and Fritters; and indeed for a thousand several sorts of such toys and fancies as do but appear before their longing imaginations. And oftentimes it is no real longing, for that were then pardonable, but a liquorish delicate desire that they are sick of; as may be seen by those who simply imagine themselves to be with child, are alwaies talking of this and t'other dainty that they long after. And that which is worst of all, is that both they and those that are really with child, long commonly for that which is scarcest and hardest to be gotten: Yea in the very middle of winter they oftentimes long to have a Greengoose or young Chickens; which in some places arevery hard to be got, and not without paying excessive dear for them.
This longing being so satisfied; immediately arises another, and nothing will serve but Meats, and several sorts of Comfits. Yea how often happens it, though it rain, snow, and is very slippery, that both the husband and the maid, if never so dark and late in the night, must trot out and fetch candied Ginger, dried Pears, Gingerbread, or some such sort of liquorish thing. And what is to be imagined, that can be cried about in the streets by day time, but her longing before hath an appetite prepared for it?
Yea through an excessive eating of raw fruits, and feeding upon multiplicities of sweet-meats; to fulfill their longing; it turns to a griping of the guts and overflowing of the Gall, which again occasion Cholick, & manytimes other lamentable pains. Here is then another new work. There the Doctor must be presently fetcht, and according to what he pleases to order, either a Glister must be set, or some other Physick taken for it.
But by reason these things are not so pleasant to the good woman as the foregoing liquorish delicacies; she thinks it best that the Midwife be sent for, because she hath a great deal better knowledge touching the infirmities of women then the Doctors: Then she is fetcht, and having done the first part of her office, she gives hergood comfort; and orders her to take only some of the best white Wine, simper'd up with a little Orange-peel, well sweetned with sugar, and so warm drunk up; and then anoint your self here, and you know where, with this salve; and for medicines [that are most to be found in Confectionres or Pasterers shops] you must be sure to make use of those, then your pain will quickly lessen. You must not neglect also ofttimes to eat a piece of bread and butter with either Caroway or Aniseed Comfits; use also Cinnamon; the first expels wind, and the second strengthens the heart; and they are both good for the woman and the child. Be sure also to drink every morning and every evening a glass of the best sack, for that strengthens the fruit of the womb, and occasions you a good quickness, &c.
Who will doubt, but that she obeys the orders of the Midwife, much better then that of the Doctors. And verily there is also a great deal of difference in the suffering, of such or uneasie fumbling at the back part; or the receiving of such pleasant and acceptable ingredients. And so much the more, when she begins to remember that Doctor Drink-fast used to tell her, that Medicins never make so good an operation, when they are at any time taken against the appetite, or with an antipathy, by the Patient.
Thus you may see, approaching Father, howyou are now climb'd up to a higher step of glory: Your manly deeds, make your name renowned; and your joy is so much augmented that your wife looks alwaies merrily and pleasantly upon you, for giving her content; and she now also salutes you with the most sweetest and kindest names imaginable; you must also now be her guest upon all sorts of Summer and Winter fruits, & a thousand other kinds of liquorish and most acceptable dainties. Insomuch that although you did not come into the streets in six months, you may by the humour and actions of your wife know perfectly when Strawberries, Cherries, Apples, Pears, Nuts & Grapes, are in season. And there is no greater pleasure for your best beloved, then that she sees you eat as heartily of them as she her self doth.
Confess then unfeignedly, from the very bottom of your heart; are not these great Pleasures of marriage? And be joyfull; for this is only a beginning, the best comes at last. Know likewise, that this is but as a fore-runner of the sixth Pleasure, and will both touch you at heart, and tickle your purse much better: Yea, insomuch that the experience thereof will shew you that there is a whole mountain of pleasures to be found in the bands of Wedlock. Whereby I fear, that you will, perhaps, make a lamentable complaint, of your no sooner arriving at this happiness.
But comfort your self herewith; that the medicaments of the Doctor and Midwife, perhaps have done such a wished for operation, that you thereby may obtain many Sons and Daughters, which you may then timely admonish and instruct to that duty, so long by your self neglected, and in a manner too late to repent of.
Doubt not, but assuredly beleeve, that now you are once gotten into the right road, you may easily every year see a renovation of this unspeakable pleasure; and beholding your wife oftentimes in this state; in like manner you perceive that not only your name and fame is spread abroad, but your generation also grow formidable. And this all to the glory of your relations, and joy of your dearly Beloved.
Chapter Separator
Plate 6Folio 102.Published by the Navarre Society, London.
In good truth it is very pleasant to see how the good womans Apron from day to day, how longer the more it rises; now all the World may plainly see you have behaved your self like a man, and every one acknowledge that you are both good for the sport. Verily this is a great pleasure! And it increases abundantly, when your wife comes to be so near her reckoning, that she feels her self quick, and begins to provide and take care for the Childs and Child-bed linnen. Then you need not fear the turning of the tide, or that a mischance will happen; wherewith all people, seeing no other issue, laugh and scoff unmeasurably; and think that the Midwife hath been greased in the fist (as it oftentimes happens) because she should say, that it was a full created child, and no collection of ill humors, or a wind-egg.
And the greatest joy is, that you have now so hoisted your top-sail, that your wife cannot any more call you aDry-boots, or aJohn Cannot; which were for you such disrespectfull names, and yet for quietness sake you were forced to smother them in your breast, because you could have no witnesse for your vindication.
You are now so far exalted, that you will very speedily be saluted with the name ofDad&Pappa; which is as pleasing and acceptable for you now, as the name ofBridegroomwas before.
O how happy you are! & what pleasures doth the married estate provide for you! how glad must your wife be now! how strictly she reckons the months, nay the very weeks and days! O what an unexpressible love hath she for you now! and with what imbraces and kisses she entertains you, because you have furnish'd her shop so well! Now you may perceive that the procreating of children, makes the band of wedlock much stronger, and increaseth the affections.
Now were it well time, that by death either of the good woman or the Child, that you did, by a will, seek the mortification of the disadvantagious Contract of marriage; and by that means get all there is to your self, in place of going back to her friends and relations; But, alas, she hath so much in her head at present, that there is no speaking to her about it, without being a great trouble to her: besidesher sences cannot now bear it therefore you must let it alone till another time.
Do you your self but observe, & you'l quickly see that a lying-in requireth so much trimming, that she hath really care enough upon her! the Child-bed linnen alone, is a thing that would make ones head full of dizziness, it consists of so many sorts of knick-knacks; I will not so much as name all the other jinkombobs that are dependances to it. Therefore, ought you to be so compassionate with her, as not to speak to her about any other thing; for all her mind and sences are so imploied upon that subject, that she can think upon nothing else but her down-lying. Hear but deliberately to all her lying-in, and of what belongs to it. Tis no wonder neither for there is not one of her acquaintance comes to her, either woman or maid, but they presently ask her, Well, Mistris, when do you reckon? And that is a Text then, so full of matter that there is oftentimes three or four hours preacht upon it, before any of the Auditors be weary. O that all Ministers were so happy, as to have alwaies such earnest and serious hearers. In the mean while there is no body happier than the maids, for they are then free from being the Town-talk; for at other times, the first word is, How do you like your maid? which is another Text that the women generally preach out of, and make longest sermons in.
But methinks, I should happen to fall here from the Mistris upon the Maid.
To go forward then. See how serious your dearest is, withJanethe Semstress, contriving how much linnen she must buy to make all her Child-bed linnen as it ought to be! how diligently she measures the Beds, Bellibands, Navel clouts, shirts, and all other trincom, trancoms! and she keeps as exact an account of the ells, half ells, quarters, and lesser measures, as if she had gone seven years to school to learn casting of an account.
Let this measuring and reckoning be pleasant to you, because the charge thereof will fall costly enough for you. To morrow she goes to market, to buy two or three pieces of linnen, one whereof must be very fine, and the other a little courser. And you need not take any notice what quantity of fine small Laces she hath occasion for, by reason it might perhaps overcloud this sixth pleasure of marriage, which you now possess.
Why should you not be merry? you have now above all things a Wife to your mind; who whatsoever she imagines, desires or doth, it is alwaies accompanied with wishes. O, saies she, how glad shall I be; when all things is bought that there ought to be for the making of my Child-bed linnen. And no sooner is it bought, but then she wishes that it were made.
But this requires some time: and then you'lhave reason to rejoice; for it is commonly the usual custom of the semstresses to let you go and run after them, and fop you off with lies and stories, till the time be so nigh at hand, that it will admit no longer delay.
Yet before you see that your wife hath accomplisht this desire, you'l find her very much troubled at two several causes, which will make you glad when she hath once obtained them. For these are things of importance, to wit, the making choice of a Midwife and a Nurse, because upon one depends the health and preservation of the life of the Woman; and on the other that of the Child.
Let it no waies molest or trouble you, but rather be pleasing and acceptable, if she be continually chattering at you, and desiring your advice and councell, who she shall make choice of or not; hereby you may observe, that you have a very carefull wife; and if you listen a little more narrowly, you will hear what a special care she hath for all things; then she will every day be relating to you that amongst the number of Midwives which have been recommended to her, there is not one that pleases her; for one is too young and unexperienced, another is too old and doting; a third is too big handed; a fourth hath too much talk; and the fifth drinks too much wine. To be short there is so many deficiencies in every one of them, that the good womanhath need of a learned Counsellors advice to help her to chuse the best.
And the like trouble hath she also concerning the taking of a Nurse, having already spent above a months time in examining among her kindred and relations, and other good acquaintance, how such and such nurses have behaved themselves; & she is informed that there are few to be found but have certainly some faults or other, and somtimes very great ones, for one is too sluttish, another saunters too much, a third too lazy; another too dainty: and then again, one eats too much, and another drinks too much; one keeps company too much with the maid, and another in like manner with the good man: And such a one or such a one are the best, but they were not very handy about the hearth, to make ready some liquorish dainty things for the good woman, which is a matter of no small weight.
Behold! hath she not very great cause to be troubled: and thereout you may very well also observe how happy you are, seeing you have gotten a wife that night and day is busie and taking care of all these concerns and other affairs. Yes verily, although her big-belly be very cumbersom to her, yet she must be abroad, every day from morning till evening, to take care and provide all these important things, that nothing may be wanting. Well what a carefull wife you have! how mightily she isconcerned for this above all other things whatsoever!
And scarcely hath the good woman gotten these two main instruments; but she finds her self still involved in so much other business, that she hardly can tell how to do or turn her self in it; for now there wants a Groaning stool, a Screen, and a Cradle, with what belongs to it; and heaven knows what more, which have been so long neglected with the care that was taking to get a Midwife and a Nurse. Then again there wants new Hangings, a Down-bed, a Christening-cloath, silver candle sticks, a Caudle-cup, &c. that of necessity must be bought & used at the lying-in, & Gossips feast; so that the good man need not fear that his mony will grow mouldy for want of being turned too & again.
Oh were your dear wife so happy that she had once made an end of all these ponderous affairs, then all would be well: For then she could begin to give order for the making clean the house from top to bottom; and for the pressing of some curtains, Vallians and Hangings; the rubbing of Stools, Chairs and Cupboard; the scouring of the Warming-pan and Chamber-pot: And 'tis no wonder, for when the good woman lies in, then come so many busie bodies that with their glouring eyes are peeping into every hole and corner.
These things do so excessively trouble herbrain; that she can hardly the whole day think upon any thing else, yea goes so near her that it oftentimes totally bereaves her of her nights rest insomuch that she is fain to ly very long abed in the morning. And if by night she happen but only to think of Boobincjo, she hath immediately such an alteration in her very intrals, that she feels here or there some or other deficiency; which comes so vehement upon her that the poor husband, though it be never so cold, must out of bed to fetch some Cinnamon and Annis-seed water, or good sack; or else some other such sort of those liquorish ingredients and then these are the principal keys of Musick that the whole night through are sung and plaid upon. O how happy is the good man, that he hath, from time to time, in her child-bearing, learned all these things with so much patience, which makes him now that he can the better bear with all these finical humours.
But for this again, O compassionate Ninny-hammer, you shall have not only great commendations for your patience; but the pleasure also that some of your nearest relations will come and kiss your hands, and withall tell you how happy you are that y'are almost arrived at that noble degree of being intituled Father. And then, with great respect & reverence, they desire to receive the honour, some of being your first-born childs God-fathers, andothers to be God-mothers: Neither will they then be behind hand in presenting the Child with several liberal gifts, as an acknowledgement of the honour they receive, above others, in being favoured with your Gossipship.
Well who would not, for so much honour and respect, but now and then suffer the trouble of his wives quamish stomack with some charges to't? And more then that, you have now the best opportunity in the World, to go with your new chosen Gossips, (as you did before with your Bridemen) & chuse & taste out some of the most delicious Wine, for you must be sure to store your Cellar well, because then both the Bridemen and Bride-maids will certainly come to eat some of the long-look'd for Caudle; besides the great number of friends that will come then also to give you a visit, and with all respect wish you much joy: I will not so much as think any thing of those that will come also to the Christning and Gossips Feast.
Be joyfull with this, till such time as the t'other Pleasure begins to appear.
Chapter Separator
Behold, young couple, hitherto a considerable deal of time is spent and passed over, with the aforesaid Mirth and Pleasures; do not you now perceive what a vast difference is between the married or unmarried estate? You have, by provision, made your self Master of these six Pleasures; nay oftentimes before you have gotten the longd-for joy of the fourth Pleasure, appears that of the seventh very unexpectedly; for the good woman begins to look so sour, grumble, grunt and groan, that it seems as if she would go into the Garden and fetch a Babe out of the Parsley-bed.
But Uds-lid this is a great-surprizal; for a little while ago she said that she was but seventh months gone of her reckoning. How then? should she have jested upon it? or has the good woman lost her book, and so made a false account? Yet this being the first time of her reckoning, ought the more favourably to be passed by as long as the Trade goes forwards.
Plate 7Folio 116.Published by The Navarre Society, London.
There's now no small alarm in the Watch. Who is there that is but near or by the hand that is not set a work! Oh, was Dorothy the Semstress, and Jane the laundress now here, what a helping hand we might have of them! Where are now the two Chair-women also, they were commonly every day about the house, and now we stand in such terrible need of them, they are not to be found? Herewith must the poor Drone, very unexpectedly, get out of bed, almost stark naked, having hardly time to put on his shoes and stockins; for the labour comes so pressing upon her, that it is nothing but, hast, hast, hast, fetch the Midwife with all possible speed, and alas, there is so many several occasions for help, that she cannot miss her maid the twinkling of an eye; neither dare she trust it to the Maids fetching, for fear she should not find the Midwives house; and she hath not shewed it her, because she made her reckoning that she had yet two months more to go.
Therefore without denial away the good man himself must to fetch the Midwife; for who knows whether or no she would come so quick if the maid went; nay it is a question also, being so late in the night, whether she would come along with the maid alone, because she dwells in a very solitary corner clearly at thet'other end of the City: (for after a ripe deliberation of the good woman, the lot fell so that she made choice of this grave and experienced Midwife).
Away runs the poor man without stop or stay, as if he were running for a wager of some great concern. And though it be never so cold, the sweat trickles down by the hair of his head, for fear he should not find the Midwife at home; or that perhaps she might be fetcht out to some other place, from whence she could not come. And if it should happen so, we are all undone, for the good woman must have this Midwife, or else she dies; neither can or dare she condescend to take any of the other, for the reasons afore mentioned.
But what remedy? if there must come another, then she will so alter, vex, and fret her self at it, that all the provocations of pains in labour, turns against her stomack, and there is no hopes further for that time.
But whilest you are running, and consider in this manner hope the best; rather think with your self, what great joy is approaching unto you, if your wife, thus soon, come to be safely delivered of a hopefull Son or Daughter: In the first place, you will be freed from all that trouble of rising in the night, and from the hearing of the grumbling and mumbling of your wife; two months sooner then you your self did expect you should have been.
Be not discomforted although she doth thus unexpectedly force you out of bed, before you have hardly slept an hour, for you see there's great occasion for't; and now is the time to show that you truly love your wife. This first time will make it more accustomary, the first is also commonly the worst. And if you be so fortunate that at the very first you happen to meet with this prudent and grave Matron Midwife, & do bring her to your longing-for dearly beloved Wife; yet nevertheless you may assure your self, that before you can arrive to have the full scope and heighth of this Pleasure, you'l find something more to do: For the Midwife is not able alone to govern and take care of all things that must be fetcht, brought and carried to and again; therefore of necessity the friends must be fetcht with all the speed imaginable, viz. Sisters, Wives, Aunts, Cousins, and several familiar good acquaintances must have notice of it, and be defraied to come to her quickly, quickly, without any delay; and if you do not invite them very ceremonially, every one according to their degrees and qualities, it is taken to be no small affront.
It hath hapned more then a hundred times that the Sister afterwards would not come to the Christning Feast; because, by chance, she heard, that the Brothers wife had notice given her of the Child-bearing before her self; little considering how few people the young people had in thenight to assist them; or that the confusion and unexperiencedness was the occasion that they did not think of such a method or order. Nay oftentimes is this sort of jealousie arisen between the Aunt and Cousin; whereby may most certainly be observed the intelligibility of the most prudent female sex.
'Tis true this running seems both troublesom and tiresom but little doth the good man know that he is now first come into that noble School & herein his patience shall be effectually exercised or that this is but the first year of trying the same! O how happy are they that are well instructed in it.
Do but see how impatient the good expecting Father is. What is there not yet wanting, before he hath his lesson perfect! Behold the poor Drone, how he moves too & fro! see what a loss and tostication he is in! he tramples his hat under his feet, pulls the hair off his head, not knowing what he would do, or which way to help his dear Wife; and the Friends that were sent for do not come so quick as he expected, because the most part of them must first trick and prick themselves up before that they dare come; the one fearing the piercing view of another, though they be all near relations and friends.
Here he stands trembling, not knowing which way to turn himself. Womens assistance is at this present most requisite, and a good Stiermanat Stern, or the ship may run upon a sand. She runs first backwards then forwards; seeks here then there. And although he hath the keys of all the Chests, and Trunks, his head runs so much a Wool gathering, that, let him do what he will, he can find no sort of those things he most stands in need of.
Alas all things is thus out of order, by reason the good woman did not think to come so soon in Childbed. Oh what manner of Jinkinbobs are not here wanting that are most useful at this occasion; and the Midwife cries and bawls for them that she's hoarse again! here's both the groaning-stool and the screen yet to be made: And MistrisPerfecthath them both, but they are lent out.
Yonder Peg the maid runs her anckle out of joint, and her self out of breath, to desire to borrow them of MistrisBuy-all. And she's hardly gotten out of dores, before they perceive that the warming pan is yet to be bought; and that that's worst of all, is, that all the Child-bed linnen is not yet starch'd or iron'd; oftentimes it happens that it is yet upon the Bankside at bleach. What a miserable condition is this!
Here the good man is at no small quandary, with all the women, oh were this the greatest disappointment for him! but presently he sees all the womens countenances looking very dole-fully and mournfully at each other, onebeginning to pray; another to cry in; there comes a great alteration in the pangs and pains of her Labour; nay they are so desperate, that the fear is, either the mother or the child, or perhaps both must go to pot. For all whatsoever the Doctor hath prescribed, or that hath been fetcht from the Apothecaries; nay the very girdle of SaintFranciscan work here no miracle.
Uds bud, this is but a sad spectacle. Oh, says Peg the maid, doth this come by marrying? I'l never venture it as long as I live. I do beleeve that it is very pleasurable to ly with a Gentleman, but the Child-bearing hath no delight at all in it. Oh I am affraid, if there come not a sudden change, that my good Mistris will not be able to undergo it. Oh sweet pretty blossom as she is.
'Tis most true, that here wants crums of comfort both for the husband and the wife; yea for the Midwife and all the rest of the Women beside; for they all cry that the tears run streaming down their cheeks; and neither their Cinamon-water, nor burnt wine, can any waies refresh or strengthen her. Uds-lid: if there come no other tiding the sweetness of this pleasure will prove but bitter to them.
But hark a little! there comes something of a tiding, that brings us five pounds worth of courage with it. Two or three more such, would make every one of our hearts a hundredpound lighter, and the great Caudle Skellet would begin to quake and tremble.
Pray have a little patience, tarry, and in the twinkling of an eye you shall be presented with a Child, and saluted with the title of Father.
Chapter Separator