Search not after great Riches, but for one of your own degree; for the Rich are insulting, self-conceited, and proud.Admire no outward beauty; because they are proud of their beauty, and imagine themselves to be Goddesses, whom their husbands ought to obey.Shun those who are much lesser then your self: For when a mean one finds her self promoted by a great Match, she is much prouder and self-conceited then one of a good extraction; and will much sooner than another indeavour to domineer over her husband.Dissemble not in your wooing. For dissimulation deceives its own Master.Be not too hasty. For a thing of importance must be long and prudently considered of, before a final conclusion can be made.Follow the advice of understanding friends. For to be wise, and in love, was not given to the Gods themselves.Chuse no Country wench: For she'l want a whole years learning, before she'l know how to shine upon a house or Office, and two years to learn to make a cursie.If you marry, arm your self with patience. For he that hath the yoke of marriage upon his shoulders, must patiently suffer and indure all the disquiets and troubles that that estate is subject to.
Search not after great Riches, but for one of your own degree; for the Rich are insulting, self-conceited, and proud.
Admire no outward beauty; because they are proud of their beauty, and imagine themselves to be Goddesses, whom their husbands ought to obey.
Shun those who are much lesser then your self: For when a mean one finds her self promoted by a great Match, she is much prouder and self-conceited then one of a good extraction; and will much sooner than another indeavour to domineer over her husband.
Dissemble not in your wooing. For dissimulation deceives its own Master.
Be not too hasty. For a thing of importance must be long and prudently considered of, before a final conclusion can be made.
Follow the advice of understanding friends. For to be wise, and in love, was not given to the Gods themselves.
Chuse no Country wench: For she'l want a whole years learning, before she'l know how to shine upon a house or Office, and two years to learn to make a cursie.
If you marry, arm your self with patience. For he that hath the yoke of marriage upon his shoulders, must patiently suffer and indure all the disquiets and troubles that that estate is subject to.
If these things be observed by you innocent and wandring Lovers, they will much assist you in your choice, but not preserve you from being a slave; because the Gentlewoman whom you have chosen, hath till this time be past, had one or other ill condition, which she knew how to hide and dissemble with, that you never so much as thought of, or expected from her.Cornelius Agrippa knew this in his daies, when he said, men must have and keep their wives, e'en as it chanceth; if they be (saies he) merry humored, if they be foolish, if they be unmannerly, if they be proud, if they be sluttish, if they be ugly, if they be dishonest, or whatsoever vice she is guilty of, that will be perceived after the wedding, but never amended. Be therefore very vigilant, you wandring Lovers, and sell not your liberty at so low a price, which cannot be redeemed again with a whole Sea of repentances.
And you, O silent Gentlewomen, methinks you long to know whether there be no remedies for you to be had, that you may also be as well arm'd against the rigid natured, subtle and dissembling Lovers, as well as they have against the vitious Gentlewomen; take notice, that since you have subjected your selves to that foolish fashion of these times, never of your selves to go a wooing; but with patience will expect who will come for you, that rule must be first observed, and regard taken of him that cometh, then it is the time to consider, principally.
Whether he loveth you for your mony, or for your beauty.Inquire whether he have a good method, or way, for the maintaining of a Family. For if he have not that to build upon, the whole foundation will tumble.Search also whether he be of an honest, rather then great extraction. For Vertue is the greatest Gentility.Inquire also whether he be a frequenter of Alehouses; especially of such as are of an evill reput.To be a lover of such houses,Makes him to think of other Spouses.If he be covetous of honour, he hath several other Vertues.Hate a Gamester like the Plague; for they are consumers of all; nay their very gain is loss.Abhor a person of no imploy, or gadder along the streets; for they are fit for nothing.If you marry, shew all honour, respect, and love to your husband. Indeavour not to Lordize over him; because that, both by Heaven and nature is given unto him.
Whether he loveth you for your mony, or for your beauty.
Inquire whether he have a good method, or way, for the maintaining of a Family. For if he have not that to build upon, the whole foundation will tumble.
Search also whether he be of an honest, rather then great extraction. For Vertue is the greatest Gentility.
Inquire also whether he be a frequenter of Alehouses; especially of such as are of an evill reput.
To be a lover of such houses,Makes him to think of other Spouses.
If he be covetous of honour, he hath several other Vertues.
Hate a Gamester like the Plague; for they are consumers of all; nay their very gain is loss.
Abhor a person of no imploy, or gadder along the streets; for they are fit for nothing.
If you marry, shew all honour, respect, and love to your husband. Indeavour not to Lordize over him; because that, both by Heaven and nature is given unto him.
In so doing, you will have, as well as our new-married Couple, the expectation of a happy match; which though it falls out well, yet is subject to severall accidental corruptions; as you will perceive in the further Confession of the insuing Pleasures, even as if they were a Looking-glass.
It was formerly very pleasant living, when Trading and Merchandizing flourished so nobly, that every evening people were fain to carry a whole drawer full of mony out of the Counter in to the Counting-house; and then the good woman had alwaies two or three hours work to sort it, before they could so much as think of going to bed: but it seems that destructive War, as being a scourge from Heaven, for our dissatisfied Spirits; hath so lamentably humbled the Land of our Nativity, that there are very few who have not now just causes enough to complain.
And you, O young people, shall be witnesses hereof, who have already, in that short time that you have been married, experience that things do not alwaies run upon wheels so merrily as was expected. 'Tis true you possess the Pleasure of an indifferent Trade, as well as the rest of your Neighbours; but it is not in any measure to be compared with those golden daies that your Ancestors had, when they could lay up so much wealth, and yet complained they had but little custom.
Plate 17135Published by The Navarre Society, London.
Verily, when I rightly consider it, methinks you are happier then they were. For at that time all their delight was, by a covetous frugality, to reap much riches together, and though that hapned very well, yet there was never enough; for mony is no impediment to a covetous soul because it alwaies yearns for more. But now on the contrary, it is esteemed to be very nobly done, and people take an absolute delight in it, if they can but tell how to scrape so much together, that they may keep the Dunners from their dores, bring up their children indifferently well, and pay the taxations and impositions that are imposed upon them. In good truth, they that can do this now, are worthy of as much credit and reputation, as those were that prospered much in former daies; and their Pleasure ought not to be lesser then the others before was.
O happy Successors, who through the contentment of your minds, possess now as great Pleasure, as your rich Parents formerly did, in their plentifull daies. Verily, your gain is comparatively better then theirs, because you are satisfied with so much less; and by consequence when the hour of death approaches, you can so much the easier depart from this World, by reason you shall not leave so many knives behind you that may cut your childrens throats.
Therefore if your Trading should come to diminish more; and that you can hardly tellhow to keep both ends together; then comfort your selves with this happiness; to the end that the Pleasures of your marriage, may thereby not be eclipsed. For in bad times you must as diligently search after the Pleasures of Marriage, as for gain and good Trading.
But it seems, as you imagine, that this Pleasure rather decreases then increases; because that the small trading, is accompanied with bad paiment; and where ever you run or go to dun, you find no body at home, but return back to your house with empty pockets. For there is Master Highmind, and Squire Spightfull, who come every day in their Velvet Coats to the Change, are not in the least ashamed that the Goods, which they bought to be paid ready down, after the expiration of a full year, are not yet paid. And Master Negligent, who is alwaies in an Alehouse, and seldom to be found in his Counting-house or at the Change, thinks it is abundance too early in July, so much as to look upon the reckoning of last New-year, much less to pay it.
Nevertheless others have their Creditors also, and this Bill of Exchange, and that Assignment must be paid at their due times; yea, and the Winter is approaching, Wood and Coals must be bought, the Cellar furnisht with Beer and Wine, and some Firkins of Butter, and provision made for the powdring-tub to be filled, as well as several other sorts of necessaries for theFamily that will be wanting. Insomuch that this affords but a very slight appearance of concluding the year in Pleasure.
But, O carefull House Father, if you knew in what a happy age you live, you would not go away so dissatisfied, but imbrace all these affairs very joifully for extraordinary Pleasures.
Hitherto you have gone forward like one young and unexperienced, and have meant with Master Dolittle, alias John the Satisfied, that things were to be done with kissing, licking, dallying, and other fidle fadles; but now you are come to a more sober, serious understanding, and to have mans knowledge, and the same prudent conduct that your Parents and Friends had, when they were assembled together about your Contract of Marriage, and then thought of all these things. Now you are grown to be a Master of Arts in the University of Wedlock. And great Juno laught, that Venus hath so long hoodwink'd you.
Come on then, these films being now fallen, from your eys, do but observe how prudent carefull Time hath made you, and how circumspect and diligent you begin to be that you may get through the World with honour, commendations, and good respect; how like a care taking Father you are now providing for your Wife, Children, and whole Family. Oh if your Father and Mother were now alive, how would they rejoice in this your advancement;which are indeed the upright Pleasures of Marriage. For all married people, draw the cares, here mentioned, along with them; though they come with a bag full of mony about their necks in to the World.
Do but see, till now you have had a brave and splendant house, paid great rent, only for your self and family to live in; now you begin to consider with understanding and Pleasure, whether a dwelling of less price would not serve as well, in which you might have a Chamber or two that you could let out to some civil Gentlemen, who might diet with you; it would help to pay the rent, and bring some profit in besides; and it is all one trouble for boiling, roasting, and going to Market: the day goes about nevertheless, and the Maid suits her work accordingly. And moreover, you have good company of them in your house, and alwaies either one or another at dinner begins to relate some kind of pretty discourse, that is continually very pleasurable and delightfull to be heard.
Observe how glad your Wife is concerning this resolution! There hath not been these three years any Proclamation published, which pleased her fancy better: for now her husband will have some pastime, and good company at home, so that he needs not go to seek it in the evening in Alehouses or other places. Well who cannot but see here how one may learnthrough honest Time and Experience, what Pleasures they are accompanied with?
But stay a little, and to be serious with you, when you get such guests, you'l see how they will plague you; for the general imaginations of such Gentlemen are, that all the monies they spend, is pure gain, and that the Landlord and Landlady alwaies ought to provide such sort of diet as they have most a mind to: and though it be never so well drest, yet there shall hardly come one dish to the Table, but they will be finding fault that this hath too much pepper in it, and that too much salt, &c. Besides all this, both Maids and Men, and all what's in the house, must be at their commands; nay be readier and nimbler to serve them then their Master and Mistriss. And that's more, you are deprived of the whole freedom of your house and table. It happens also many times, that they have so many visiters, and runners after them, that they require more attendance; and the maid hath more work with them alone, then the whole house-keeping besides.
This is the general course of all fellow Commoners; I will not say any thing of a worser sort, which are many times amongst them; who run in the mornings to Strong-water Shops, and in the afternoon to Taverns; where they so disguise themselves, that one must be ashamed for honest people who are in the Shop, or standing upon the flore, that seesthem either come in a dores or down from their Chambers, hardly able to stand; besides they value not if they tarry out late at nights; and, if it be possible, they will intice the good man of the house to debauch with them. And then again they are seldom free from private chatting and pratling with the Maid and Men servants.
But perhaps you may light of a better sort, which Time, who is the mother of all things, will make appear. Let it be as it will, here is alwaies pleasure and delight to be expected for the good man, because the good woman by this means increaseth to more knowledge of housholding affairs; and therefore is alwaies busie, like a prudent mother, in educating, governing, and instructing her children.
Yea, if you, O Father of the Family, will go a little further, and behold with clear eys, how far your wife, through these bad times, is advanced in understanding and knowledge; I do assure you, you will find your self as ravisht with joy; because this is as great a transformation as ever Ovid writ of. For whereas at the beginning of your marriage, all her cogitations were imploied for the buying of large Venetian Looking-glasses, Indean Chainy, Plush Stools and Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, rich Presses and Tables, yea and whatsoever else was needfull for neatness and gallantry; we see now, that all her sences are at work, where ever they may or can be, to save and spare all things, and to takecare that there may not so much as a match negligently be thrown away.
Formerly, your good wife used, by reason of her youth, and want of knowledge, to walk very stately, hand in hand with you, along the streets, finically trickt up with powdered locks, and a laced Gorget and Gown, and had commonly need of, at the least, three hours time, before she, with the help of two serviceable assistants, could be put to her mind in her dress; and then again all her discourse was of walking or riding abroad, and of junketting and merriment; whereas now on the contrary, seeing the small gain, she is sparing of all things, and ordring it to the best advantage for the family; without so much as setting one foot out of her House or Counter unnecessarily. Never thinking more of gadding abroad, to take pleasure; but finds all her delight by being busie in her houskeeping, amongst her children and servants. Here you may behold her driving the maid forwards, and setting her a spinning, to keep the sleep out of her eys; and with this intent also that she may have the delight to get yarn enough ready towards Winter, to let a brave Web of Linnen be woven for the service of the Family. Yea, and here she shews you, that though before she was but a Bartholomew Baby, that she is now grown to be a brave houswife. And that, if need requires, she can put a hand to the plough stoutly.
O happy man, who in such a sad and troublesom time, can find out so many Pleasures of Marriage, and who art already so well instructed in that most illustrious School!
'Tis true, you will meet with some jeering prattle-arses, that will say, is this that brave couple, that there was such a noise made of when they were married! Is this the Gentlewoman that used to go so costly in her Gorgets and Gowns! Goes she now with a plain wastcoat! alas and welladay! doth her feathers begin to hang thus! Well, is this the Gentlewoman that used alwaies to keep two maids! Can she now make a shift with a little wench that earns her wages with spinning, and her diet with doing the house work? it must certainly ly very nastily and sluttishly at her house.
'Tis very true, this might happen to you, and it would seem to eclipse the Sun of your Pleasures of Marriage very much; if you had not now, O well matcht Couple, through the instruction of the winged Time, gotten such prudent eys that you can easily see through such vain and simple Clouds.
But now you apprehend, to your great joy and comfort, that this arrow comes out of the Quiver of such as are indebted to every body, and suffer themselves daily to be durrid; who are continually pratling with the Neighbors, and gadding along the streets; they take notice ofevery dore that opens, and neglect their own houskeeping having no understanding to govern it; the dishes, pots and pans are alwaies standing in the middle of the flore; and Benches and Stools are all covered and ly filled with the Childrens dirty clouts, and the Windows are so thick with dirt, that the Sun can hardly shine through them. Whose first word is, when any body comes into their house, What! by reason of these sad times a body hath neither joy nor delight in their houskeeping. If we wash the glass windows, they are in danger of breaking, and at present we cannot bear with any losses. And these ordinarily have more pratling and felling then any other women, and no body knows any thing better then these sworn tittletattlers; they are seldom to be found with a pin-cushion upon their laps; and are the occasion that their houses, children and Maids stink of filth and sluttishness, with their cloaths out at the elbous, and their stockins out at the heels. Whilest their husbands sit in the Alehouses, and seek by drinking, domineering and gaming to drive these damps of the sad times out of theire brains; which continueth so long, till that all is consumed, and they both fly damnably in debt to their Creditors.
Well then, you worthy and faithfull Houskeepers, you see now the unhappy state and condition of these venomous controulers of others: And on the contrary, you may perceive howhappy the bad times, like a prudent Instructor, makes you; what a quantity of understanding and delight it imparts unto you; whilest you both, with joint resolution, diligent hands and vigilant eys, indeavor the maintenance and setting up of your Family. Be assured, that this care and frugality will so root it self in your very bones, that although the times changed and grew better, you would reserve a stedfast delight in the promoting the good and benefit of your houskeeping; and withall leave to your children such riches and good examples, that they will follow your footsteps of carefulness with delight, and lay a hand to the plough, thereby to demonstrate that they were of a good extraction: which if it so happen, you will inherit one of the greatest and desiredst Pleasures that is to be found in the Married estate.
Plate 18251Published by The Navarre Society, London.
Uds life, now I thinke on't, amongst the Pleasures of Mariage, this is none of the least, when one sees their children feed well, and grow up healthfully and merrily; and their stomacks in a morning are as soon open as their eys; then at noons they can claw it away at a good dish, as well as persons of full growth and years; and about four of the clock their appetites are again prepared for an afternoons lunchion; insomuch that they can eat you into poverty, without making their teeth bleed. O it is such a delight to see that they continually grow up so slovenly and wastfully in their cloaths, that they must needs have every half year almost a new suit, and that alwaies a little bigger; whereby the Father sees that he shall in short time have a son to be his man in the shop, and the mother a daughter to be her caretakester and controulster of the Kitchin.
Thus we advance in the estate of Mariage, from one pleasure to another. O how happy you'l be, if your children be but pliable and courteous, and grow up in obedience, andaccording to your example! But we see in the generality, that as their understanding increases, that also their own wills and desires do in like manner not diminish.
Perhaps you meet with some such symptoms as these are in your own son; for having been some years learning the Latine Tongue at Pauls or Merchant Tailors School; he is then inveagled by some of the neighbors sons to go with them to learn the Italian or French language; to which purpose they know of a very delicate Boarding school a little way out of the City; and then they baptize it with the name, that he hath such a longing and earnest desire to learn it, that he cannot rest in the night for it.
What will you do? The charge there of, the bad times, and the necessity you have for him at home, makes you perswade him from it, and to proffer him convenient occasions in the City; but what helps it, the fear of drawing the child from that which he has so much a mind to; and may be, that also, wherein his whole good fortune consists, causes you to take a resolution to fullfill his desire. Away he's sent then, and agreed for. And then there must be a Trunk furnisht, with all manner of linnen and cloaths, with other toys and sweet meats, and mony in his pocket to boot.
Having been some small time there he sends some letters for what he wants. Which is, with recommendations of being saving anddiligent, sent unto him. And it is no small pleasure for the Parents, if they do but see that he is an indifferent proficiant. All their delight and pleasure is, when time will permit, to go to their son, and to shew him their great love and affection.
But the Daughter, which goes along with her Mother, is kindled with no small matter of jealousie to see that her Brother puts her Parents to so much charge, gets what he pleases, and that their minds are never at rest about him. When she, on the contrary, being at home, is thrust by her Mother into the drudgery of the house, or kept close to her needle. Yet these are pacified with a fine lace, a ring, or some such sort of trinkom trankoms; and then with telling them into the bargain, when your brother comes home he shall keep the shop.
This the Father is in expectation of. And the son being come home, gives a great Pleasure to his Father and Mother, by reason he speaks such good Latin and Italian, and is so gentile in his behaviour: but to look to the shop, he hath no mind to. Say what they will, talk is but talk. All his desire and mind is to go to the University either of Oxford or Cambridge. And although the Father in some measure herein yeelds and consents; the Mother, on the other side, can by no means resolve to it; for her main aim was, that her son should be brought up in the shop; because that in theabsence, or by decease of her husband, he might then therein be helpfull to her. Besides that, it is yet fresh in her memory, that when her Brother studied at Oxford, what a divellish deal of mony it cost, and what complaints there come of his student-like manner of living. Insomuch that there was hardly a month past, but the Proctor of the Colledge, or the Magistracy of the City must have one or other penalty paid them.
Now they try to imploy the son in the shop, who delights in no less melody then the tune of that song: letting slip no occasion that he can meet with to get out of the shop; and shew himself, with all diligence, willing to be a Labourer in the Tennis Court, or at the Bilyard Table; and is not ashamed, if there be hasty work, in the evening, to tarry there till it be past eleven of the clock. What a pleasure this vigilance is to the Father and Mother, those that have experience know best. Especially when they in the morning call their son to confession, and between Anger and Love catechize him with severall natural and kind reproofs.
'Tis but labour lost, and ill whistling, if the horse won't drink. What remedy? turn it, and wind it so as you will.
The son his mind to study is full bent,Or else will live upon his yearly rent.
Here must be a counsell held by wisdom, prudence, love and patience. Here also theimaginations of incapableness or want of monies must be conquered; for to constrain a son to that he hath no mind to, is the ready way to dull his genious, and perhaps bring him to what is worser, to wit, running after whores or Gaming. And to teach him how to live upon his yearly means, the tools are too damn'd costly. So that now the Parents have true experience of the old Proverb.
The Children in their youth, oft make their Parents smart,Being come to riper years, they vex their very heart.
Nevertheless, after you have turn'd it and wound it so as you will, the sending of him to the University of Oxford bears the sway; and there to let him study Theology being the modestest Faculty, by one of the learnedst and famousest Doctors. And verily, he goes forward so nobly, that, in few months, before he half knows the needfull Philosophy, he is found to be a Master of Arts in Villany. And moreover, the Parents were by some good friends informed, that lately he was acting the domineering student, and being catcht by the watch, was brought into the Court of Guard; but through the extraordinary intercession of his own and some other Doctors, they privately let him go out again.
A little longer time being expired, he sends Post upon Post dunning letters; his quarter ofthe years out, his Pockets empty, and the Landlady wants mony; besides there are severall other things that he wants, both of Linnen and Woollen; all which things yield an extraordinary Pleasure, especially, if the mony which is sent, without suffring shipwrack, be imploied and laid out for those necessaries.
For some students are so deeply learnt, that they consume the monies they get in mirth and jovialty, and leave their Landladies, Booksellers, Tailors, Shoomakers, and all whom they are indebted to, unpaid. Nay, his own Cousin, that studied at Cambridge, knew very learnedly how to make a cleaver dispatch, with his Pot-Companions, at Gutterlane, of all the mony that was sent him by his Parents, for his promotion; and under the covert of many well studied lies desired more.
But who knows, what wonderfull students tricks, before he is half so perfect, your son will have learnt, to make his Father and Mother merry with; for, as I have heard, he hath gotten so much aquaintance, that he hath the Bookseller to be his friend, who sets down the prizes of the Books he delivers, three times as much again as they are worth; and for the overplus, he, with some other students, are bravely merry together.
Yea, he's come so far himself, that he doth, to get mony, know how to sell his best Authors; and sets in place of them someBlocks very neatly cut and coloured like gallant Books. And if any one comes that will lay their hands upon them; he saith immediately, eat, drink, smoke and be merry to your hearts content; but whatsoever you do, touch not my books; for that's as a Medean Law and an inviolable statute in my Chamber; as it doth, to the same purpose, stand written thus before my Chamber of Books:
Be jolly, sing, and dance; command me with a look,One thing I do forbid, you must not touch a Book.
The old Proverb saith, it must bend well, before it can make a good hook. But it is easie to be perceived by the beginning, what may be expected from the flexibility of this precious twig. O extraordinary and magnificent pleasure for the Parents, when they see that their son, in so short a time, is so damnably advanced! And so much the more, a little while after, there comes one and tells them by word of mouth, that there were several Schollars, which were playing some antick tricks in the night; and amongst some others both their Son and their Cousin were apprehended, and at this very present sad accusations were brought in against them. In the mean while, the Chancellor, having heard that they are all persons of good Parentage, and that there will be brave greasing in the case, laughs in his fist because such things asthose are generally moderated and assopiated by the means and infallible vertue of the correcting finger hearb.
This brings the Parents a fine Bartholomew Baby to play with; and if there ly loosely in a corner a fifty pound bag they will go nigh to see how they may make use of it. And this gives a horrible augmentation to the Pleasures of Marriage! But let them turn it and wind it which way they will, the Parents must go thither, and seek by all means possible according to their ability, to pacific the matter.
As they are upon their journy, they hear in every Town where they come, how debauched and wicked lives the Students leads, not only concerning that which was lately done at Oxford, but at other places also. Which makes them be in no small fear, whether their son, perhaps may not be guilty only of this, but some worser misdemeanor, and is therefore at present clapt up.
Here Master Truetale begins to relate, that lately there were four Students, who for some petulancy, had been at Confession by the Mayor, and he with their vomiting up some Guinies, gave them their absolutions; but they perceiving that hereby their purses were cruelly weakned, and that the return of monies did not come according to expectation, took a resolution to get some revenge of him for it. And he having built a new house, caused it, by a curiousWorkman, to be neatly painted on the outside: which these four Students seeing, they took a good quantity of Tar, and did so damnably bedawb it, that it looked as if old Nick had been there with his rubbing brush. Which the Mayor seeing in the morning, seemed to be little troubled at it; but said, certainly some body hath done this, that I have taken too little mony of, and therefore in gratitude have, for nothing, thus bepainted my delicately painted house.
But nevertheless the Mayor sends in the evening five or six Spies abroad into those Taverns and Alehouses where the lightest Students generally frequented; who were smoking and drinking there, and amongst other discourses related, how it tickled their fancies, that the covetous Mayor was served such a delicate trik, &c. Whereupon some of them hearing that the action was so much commended, and that the Mayor made no search about it, saies, that was my work with James Smith the Londoner, Jack Dove the Kentishman, and Sanny Clow the Scotch man. Upon this they were all four apprehended in the night, and very cleaverly clapt by the heels, &c.
Hereupon Mistriss Credit, said, There are no such wicked inventers of mischief, as moniless Students; of which we had lately a new example, for some of those Blades wanting mony, were resolved to act this trick,viz.Some few daies before there was a malefactor hanged, and one of them between eleven and twelve of the clock at night, gets hard by the Gallows where he hung, and feigned to be the spirit of the malefactor; sometimes appearing, and then again vanishing; in the mean while the rest of his companions, all separate from each other, as if they had been strangers, placed themselves not far from it. Each of them seemed to be frightned, and shewed unto all the passers by that there was the spirit of the malefactor that was executed. This run forward like wild fire, in somuch that the number of the spectators increased abundantly. And whilest every one was so busie in beholding it, the moniless Students were as serious in picking of their Pockets, cutting the silver buttons off their cloaths, which no body perceived, till the Spirit was vanished, and they were gotten home. So did I know, saith Master Mouth, two necessitous Students, who at a Fair-time, observed that a Country man, having sold some commodities that he brought to Market, had received five or six Crown pieces for them; and went amongst the Booths to buy somthing, but feared in the throng one or another might steal them from him; therefore would not trust them in his Pocket, nor with his Purse in the breast of his doublet; but puts them in his mouth; saying, No body I'm sure can take them from thence, and walks into the Booths, therecheapning a hat; in the mean while, one of these Students goes to the very next Booth, buies some pedling thing, and pulling mony out of his Pocket to pay, saith what a pox is the meaning of this? Just now I had several Crown pieces, and now I have nothing; and since that, there hath no body else been near me, but this Country fellow; and begins to catch him by the shoulders; saying, hark ye Squire, I miss several Crown pieces which I had but just now. This so amazed the Country man, that he began to mumble with the Crown pieces in his mouth; whereupon the Student said, I verily beleeve the villain hath them in his mouth. The Country man answered thereupon, those that I have in my mouth are my own, I received them just now for some commodities; But let the Country man say what he would, it was not beleeved; he was lamentably beaten, his Crown pieces taken from him, and given to the Student.
By this you may perceive, saith Master Otherway, that the Proverb is true,Poverty is subtle. I was lately told of some poor troublesom Students, who had, a little way off the City, caused a dainty Feast to be made ready for them; and knowing that the Landlord had a brother, whom he extreamly loved, which lived about five and twenty miles off; write a Letter to the Landlord, and therein acquaint him that his Brother was very desperatelysick, oftentimes calling for him; therefore if he would see and speak with him alive, he must with all possible speed immediately come thither, &c.
Then they found out such a cleaver contryvance to have this Letter delivered into the hands of the Landlord, that he had not the least distrust of a cheat; but away he rides immediately. In the mean while, these Students committed much sauciness and wantonness with the Mistriss and the Maid; till at last locking them both up in a Chamber, away they went without paying.
To this a Miller that sate close by, relates, that lately, not far from his house, two Students laid violent hands upon a woman, and bound her to a Post.
'Tis a Wonder, saith Master Demure, proceeding forward, that since they commit such wicked and so many base actions, more of these Students are not apprehended. When I dwelt at my Country house, there came a parcel of these drunken blades, that were expresly gone abroad to play some mad tricks; they pulled down the pales of my neighbors Garden; and one among them that served for Chief, commanded pull off these planks, tear up this Post, &c.
In the mean time, a poor Country man coming by with his empty Wagon; begs of this commander, that he would be pleased tobestow upon him those old Planks and Posts for his winter firing, because he was so poor, that he knew not where to get any: which this Gentleman granting him, he laies on a lusty load upon his Wagon.
Being drove a pretty way of, the owner comes to the place, and sees in what a lamentable condition his Garden lay; asks who had done it, and understands that they were Students which had taken their march towards some of the adjacent Country Towns, but that the Country man with his Planks, must needs be got very far from the City, &c. Away runs the owner with all speed, makes his complaint, and gets an order to arrest the poor Country man, his horse and Wagon. Who coming to be examined at his triall, was condemned to be set in the Pillory, with two Planks set before him, upon which must be written in great white Letters.
Garden-Theef.
These wicked Students stood together to behold this, and laught till they split, to see that this poor innocent Country man, must suffer such shame and punishment for his winter firing.
Just in the same manner, not long ago, some divellish Students, had taken a heavy rail from before a house which was newly set there, but hearing that the Watch or Bell man approched; they presently whept it before another mans dore,where there was none; and leaning all of them over the rail; saluted the Watch with saying, Good night Gentlemen, Good night; and the Watch the like to them again: But the Watch was no sooner gone then they fell to breaking of it all in peeces, and run away as fast as they could drive.
Those people are unhappy, saith Master Talkon, especially such as live in Country Towns, that are near to Cities where there are Universities; for many times one or another must be a sufferer from these roguish natured Students; and they imagine in themselves that all what the Country people possess must be at their pleasure and disposition. Whereby it happens, in the Summer, that for their wicked pastime, they go to rob the Orchards of the best fruit, and to steal Hens, Ducks, and Pigeons; and then again to destroy the Fields of Turnips, Carrots, Parsnips, Beans and Pease, &c. Tearing up such multiplicities, that it would be incredible if we should relate it all. But it is common for them to destroy ten times as much as they can eat or carry away.
And when the Summer is past, that there are no fruits either in Orchards or Fields; then their whole delight and recreation is to commit insolencies in the Streets of the City by night; and if they can but any waies put an affront upon the Watch; that is laught at, and esteemed to be an heroick act.
It hapned lately, that some Students walking out of Town, saw a little boy in the Fields, that was holding the cord of an indifferent Kite, which was in the Air, in his hand; they laughing at him, said, The Kite is bigger than the Boy; come let us ty the cord about the Boy, then they will not lose one another. And immediately catching hold of the Boy, they forced the cord from him, and bound it fast about his middle in a great many knots, then went their way.
Whilest the Boy was very busie and indeavouring to unty the knots, the Wind grew high, insomuch that the Boy used all his strength to hold back the cord; but his strength failing him, he was with a furious blast snatcht up by the Kite from the ground, and presently after let fall again into a pretty deep ditch, where the poor innocent Boy was unhappily drowned.
It would be sempiternal for us here to make a relation of all the petulancy and wickedness of Students, whereof these and other Parents, each in their particular, are miserably sensible of. For every one acts his own part, but it tends altogether unto wickedness, lavishness, and troublesomness.
Here you may see Master Empty-belly takes the greatest delight in the World, nobly to treat some Northern Gentlemen of his acquaintance and Pot-companions, and then again to be treated by them: where there is an absoluteagreement made, that when any one of them gets mony from their Parents, he shall give the company a treat of five Guinnies. And though they generally observe, that before they part, one quarrel or other arises, and the Swords drawn; yet this Law is inviolabler, than ever any Statutes of Henry the VIII. were. Which continued so long till one of them be desperately wounded or killed, and he that did it apprehended; and to the great greef of his Parents tried for his life, or else flies his Country, to save it.
Others we may see, that have no greater pleasure then to sit whole nights with their Companions playing at Tables; and there game away Rings, Hats, Cloaks and Swords, &c. and then ply one another so close with whole bumpers of Sack and old Hock, that they are worse then senceless beasts, feeling and groping of the very Walls, and tumbling and wallowing to and fro in their own nastiness. And esteem it to be a Championlike action if one can but make the t'other dead drunk by his voracity of sucking in most. As if they intended hereby to become learned Doctors.
Some again are most horribly addicted to frequent the pestilential Bawdy-houses; of which they are never satisfied, till mony, cloaths, books, and their own health of body is consumed; and then come home to their Parents soundly peppered.
Some there are that oftentimes so deeply ingage themselves with their Landlords daughters, that they can answer to her examination without the knowledge either of their Parents or Doctors, and are fit for promotion in the Art of Nature. But if the Landlady hath never a daughter of her own, there's a Neece or Neighbors daughter, which knows how to shew her self there so neatly, that with her tripping and mincing she makes signals enough, that at their house Cubicula locanda is to be had. And these are the true Divers, that know infinitely well how to empty the Students Pockets.
Thus doth every one act their parts. Whilest the Parents are indeavouring to gather and scrape all together that they can, that their Son, who is many times the onliest or eldest, may go forward in his study, and become perfect in one Faculty. And the more, because they see that he is sharp-witted, and according as his Doctor saith, a very hopefull young man. Little thinking that he makes as bad use of those natural benefits, as he is lavish of his mony.
But it is a common saying that the London-youths must have their wills. Which oftentimes occasions, that when they have studied a long time in Divinity, they finally turn to be some Inns of Court Gentlemen; fearing that their wild Students life, might in any other vocation, be cast in their teeth.
Yet somtimes it also happens, that from thevery first they behave themselves modestly, and advance so gallantly in their Studies, that it is a comfort for their Parents, and great benefit for themselves. But nevertheless, though they obtain their Promotion with commendation, reputation, and great charges; yet it is all but fastidious, unless their Parents can leave or give them some considerable means; or that they through their brave behaviours, perfections, and sweet discourses, can inveagle themselves in to a rich match. For many years are spent before they can get a Parsonage or Benefice, and when it doth happen in some Country Town, the means will hardly maintain them.
If he be a Counsellor or Doctor of Physick, what a deal of time runs away before he can come in to practice! especially if in the one he hath not the good fortune to get the two or three first causes for his Clients; and in the other, not to make satisfactory cures of his first Patients. Therefore, what a joy would it have been for the Parents if their Son had spent his time in understanding Shop-keeping, and been obedient to the exhortations of his Parents!
But though some do this, and are therein compliant to their Parents; yet we perceive that this also is subject to many vexations, by reason that the children through a contrary drift, many times disturb their Parents night rest; especially when there are such kind ofMaids in the house, that will listen to their humors and fancies.
These will, for the most part, please their Master and Mistriss to the full; and do all things so that their Mistriss shall be satisfied, and have no occasion to look out for another: And yet, in the mean while, all their main aim is, to get and intice the son, with their neatness, cleanliness, friendliness, and gentileness, to be on their side. To that end knowing how, as well as their Mistriss, to Hood themselves, curl their locks, and wantonly overspread their breasts with a peece of fine Lawn, or Cambrick, that they seem rather to be finically over shadowed then covered, and may the better allure the weak eys of the beholders.
These know that Dame Nature hath placed her best features in a City Maid, as well as in a Lady at Court: And that there are no keener Swords, or stronger steels to penetrate through the hearts of men, then the handsom bodiedness, comly and kind behaviour of women.
This is oftentimes the occasion that the son hath more inclination towards her, then he hath for a Gentlewoman of a good family and indifferent fortune; nay it transports him so, that they finally make use of one bed; and the son (much unexpected by the Parents) is come to be Father himself. But what an inestimable Pleasure of Marriage this is for the new Grandfather and Grandmother, every one may judge.Especially, if it happens, as I saw once, that the Prentice lay with his Masters Daughter; and the Son with the Kitchin Wench; and the Prentice run away with the daughter; and the Son would by all means marry with the Kitchin Wench. Which was such a great grief for the Parents, that it might be justly termed rather one of the Terrors than Pleasures of Marriage. So that we see, although the Children be at home by their Parents, or in the shop, and remain under their view and tuition; yet nevertheless, by one or other, never to be expected, occasion, they fall in to evill courses; which every one that brings up children hath such manifold and several waies experience of, that it would be infinite and too tiresom to give you an account of all the Confessions. Therefore we will pass by these (as if we were running a horse-race), and to shorten our journy, return again to our well married Couple, from whom we are cruelly straied.
You see and observe then, O well married Couple, what strange tricks and actions that children will play. If yours act then the part of a liberal Son, or wanton Student, rejoice therein that you have not brought forth a dunce or blockhead; but since his Doctor saith that he is sharp-witted, and a hopefull youth; doubt not, but that you will, when he comes to his seriouser years, with delight and pleasure see him to be a great man.
For it hath many times hapned, that those who have been the maddest and wildest Students at the University, have afterwards come to be noble Personages, Ministers of State, and learned Doctors. Of whom we could relate unto you several examples, if we knew certainly that the revealing of that Confession would not be ill taken.
Thrice happy are you, O noble Couple, that you are yet in possession of the Pleasures of the first Marriage, and are not troubled with the contention of a cross-graind Father-in-law, or Mother-in-law over your Children, nor with their fore-children, or Children of the second bed. For whatsoever happens to you now, comes from a Web of your own spinning, and your love to that, conquers and covers all infirmities; because we know very well that that certainly compleats one of the Pleasures of Marriage.
Plate 19181Published by the Navarre Society, London.
'Tis true, it seems to fall both tart and bitter, when the children take such lavish courses, and get such wild hairs in their nostrils; the sons acting the parts of spendthrifts, and petulant Students, and the Daughters of light Punks; as long as these things remain so, they appear to be but very sober Pleasuresof Marriage. But when we perceive, that these thorns being past, the pleasant roses appear, and that these light hearted Students finally come to be gallant Practitioners; O that affords you the most satisfactory and largest Pleasure of Marriage that ever could be expected.
So also, if you perceive that your Daughters are lively, active and airy; that somtimes they would rather go to a Play, then to Church; or rather be merry of an evening, than at Sermon in the morning, and grow to be altogether mannish minded; you must then conclude these are natural instincts. If it happen to fall out, contrary to your expectation, that she hath more mind to a brave young fellow that's a Prentice, whose parts and humor she knows, then she hath in a Plush Jacketted or gilt Midas; then make your selves joyfull in the several examples that you have of others, who being so married, have proved to be the best Matches; of which examples multiplicities are at large prostrated to your view in the Theater of Lovers. So that you do herein yet find the Pleasure of Marriage.
But it is much farther to be sought for among the vexations which house-keeping people have not only from children, but from base-natured, lasie, tailing, lavish, and ill-tongued servants; done unto them somtimes by their men, but generally by the foolish and stifnecked Maids. These can make their Master totally forget hisBase Viol and singing of musick, and their Mistriss the playing upon the Virginals. It was a much less trouble for Arion and Orfeus to charm all the senceless creatures both of Sea and Land in those daies; then it is now for house-keepers to bring their servants to a due obedience.
Neither is this strange, because some Maids, when they see they have gotten a kind natured and mild Gentlewoman to their Mistriss; immediately practice, by all means possible, to rule and domineer over her; insomuch that whatsoever the Mistriss orders or commands, she knows how, according to the imagination of her own understanding, to order and do it otherwise. And dare many times boldly contradict them, and say,Mistriss, it would be better if this were done then, and that so.
And if the Mistriss be so mild that she condescends and passes by this some times; they are immediately, in their own conceits, as wise again as their Mistriss; and dare, when they come among their tailing Gossips, brag that they can bend their Mistriss to their Bow; and if their Mistriss bids them do any thing, they do it when it pleases them, or at their own oportunity; for their Mistriss is troubled with the simples, a Sugar-sop, &c.
But if it happen so that one of these Rule-sick Wenches, comes into a service where the Mistriss is a notable spirited woman that lookssharply and circumspectly to the government of her Family, then she's damnably put to't; and is troubled in spirit, that her Mistriss will not understand it so, as she would fain have it, according to her hair-brain'd manner, and gets this to an answer,Jane, do it as I command you, then it is well, though it were ill done. Let your Mistriss command, its your duty to obey; or else, next time you must hire your self out for Mistriss, and not for Maid, &c.
How pleasant this answer was to Jane, it appears, because she no sooner gets out, but she runs to Goody Busie-body that hires out servants; where she makes no smal complaint of her Mistresses insulting spirit; and asks whether she knows not of a hire for her by some houskeeping Batchelor or Widower; because she understands the ordring of her work very well, is a special good Cook, and loves Children, &c. Then she would leave her Mistriss, and tell her that her Aunt was very sick and lay a dying, and that she must go thither, &c.
Goody Busie-body is presently ready, because she sees here is a means to earn double wages, the Maid must be provided with another service, and the Mistriss with another Maid; so she begins, like a Broker, to turn and wind it about every way to rid her self of the one, and then to recommend another in the place. Though it be mighty inconvenient for the Mistriss, and troubles her, because she many times maybe near her lying-in, or some other pressing necessity, &c.
Whose merrier then Jane, for she hath gotten a new service by a Widower, and can order and govern all things now according to her own mind; where she hath not the name of a Maid, but of a Governantess. Nay, now she's cunning enough to bridle in all her ill conditions, and watches the very ey of her Master, keeping all things very cleanly and neat in order; upon hopes that her Master might fall into a good humour, and make a place also for her in his bed. For verily she loves Children so well that she would be helping to get one her self. To which purpose she useth all inventions imaginable, running too and again about the house bare-necked, and her breasts raised up; or comes to his bedside all unlaced, or fains to sit sleeping by the fire side with her coats up to her knees, against her Master comes home, with the key in his Pocket, merrily disposed, from his Companions; or with a short Coat on, stoops down very low in the presence of her Master, to take up somthing from, or clean the flore; or climbs up a ladder to rub the glass windows; and knows of a thousand such manner of inticements, of which there's never a one of them, but, if the Master have any flesh or blood in him, are sufficient to catch and insnare him. For this hapned to her fellow Creature who having dwelt some indifferent time witha Widower, he came home one evening pretty merry, and jestingly talked to her about her sweetheart;See there, Peggy, be carefull, and when you come to marry, I will give you this bed that I ly on, with all that belongs to it.Whereupon the Maid answered,Well Sir, if I shall have all that justly belongs to it, I must have you also Sir, for it is yours, and you ly upon it.The answer pleased the Master so well, that he catches Peggy in his arms, throws her upon the bed, and lies down by her; till at last, in spite of all his relations, he made his Maid his Wife: who being married, then began to discover her stifnecked, cross-graind humors, that she had so long kept secret; but it was the occasion of both their ruines.
But we will leave Jane and Peggy with their Widowers, and take a view what kind of a Pleasure of marriage that our Mistriss possesseth with her new Maid; for Goody Busie-body recommended her highly to be a very honest, vertuous Maid, of a good family, and gave her self security for her fidelity.
Nevertheless, there are hardly three daies past, but the Mistriss perceives that she is notably inclined to toss up her cup: but for the better certainty, the Mistriss commands her to draw some Wine in a glass that was very clean rinsed; which she no sooner brought back, but the Mistriss observed that greasy lips had been at it; yet before she sent her thesecond time, she takes a trencher and holds it over the smoke of a Candle to grow black, then with her finger rubs that soot upon the edge or hollow part of the glass; and commanded her, as she did before, to draw some Wine; but when she came back again, the Mistriss then perceived that the round circle of the glass was impressed upon both sides of her mouth and upon her forehead. Who can abstain themselves from laughter, when they see such a marked sheep come out of the Wine Cellar? Who could imagine that a Maid in three daies time should occasion so much pleasure of marriage! How much more mirth will you receive from her, when she has taken a good bowsing cup to be jolly! You have here a triall of her fidelity, that Goody Busie-body vaunted of. For the future she may very well say, that she is mighty dexterous at smuckling of Wine; who knows but she may get an Angel a year the more wages for it.
But whilest she pleases her Mistriss with this sight, the t'other causes her to enjoy a new recreation: for she having gotten leave to go to Church in th'afternoon, tarries out till seven of the clock in the evening, tho she knows there are friends invited to supper, the children must be got to bed, and all things set in good order; neither is it strange, for she thinks, I am now the eldest Maid, the t'other may attend. When I hired my self, my Mistriss told me I shouldgo on Sundaies to Church; and also, when occasion served, after Sermon I should walk abroad for an hour or two; and now there is a very good opportunity, because she hath another Maid at home, &c.
She keeps singing in this tune. And finally coming home, thinks that she has a great deal of reason on her side, and is not ashamed to retort ten cross words for one. 't Is no wonder neither, for she had been talking with Mistriss Sayall the Cupster, who had Cupt her but the Sunday before, and then told her that she could observe out of her physiognomy, and the course of her blood, several infallible signs, that she should come to be a woman of good quality, and that she would not be above a year unmarried. Also there came thither at the same time Dorothy and Margery, whom Mistriss Sayall had in like manner prognosticated what was befallen them. These did not a little admire, that she, being now the eldest Maid, earned such small wages, and that her Mistriss did not raise it; because she deserved at the least fifteen shillings a year more, and a better New years gift, and Fairing.
Thus they stuff one anothers pates full. And Mistriss Sayall, and Goody Busiebody, seem to be as if they were sisters cast in one Mould; for the one knows how to blow the simple wenches ears full; and the t'other, worse then a Bawd, makes them cross-grain'd; and keepboth of them a school for ill-natured Wenches, and lazy sluts, to natter, to exhort, and to exasperate in; yet these half Divel-drivers, carry themselves before the Mistresses like Saints; but do indeed, shew themselves to be the most deceitfullest cheats, who carry alwaies fire in one hand and water in the t'other.
These know how, very subtlely, many times, to fatten their carkasses, with meat and drink out of the Mistresses Cellars and Butteries; keeping alwaies a fair correspondence with the theevish Maids, which know many tricks and waies how to convey it unto them; and scold and brawl against those whose stoln meat and drink they thus idly and basely convey away. These use again all possible indeavours to recommend them here or there to a sweetheart, and make their own houses serve as an Exchange for this Negotiation; where they appear as precise at their hours, as a Merchant doth at Change-time.
This it is, that makes them look like a Dog in a halter, when they cannot get leave on Sundaies to go a gadding; and it is a wonder they do not bargain for it when they hire themselves: though there are some that are not ashamed, (who dare not so openly confess this) to bargain that they may go every Sunday to Church, as if they were extraordinary devout, when it is really to no other end, then to set out their gins, to catch some Tailor, Baker,Shoomaker, Cooper, Carpenter, Mason, or such like journyman: which is hardly passed by to satisfie their fleshly lusts, before they perceive that they have chosen a poor and wretched for a plentifull livelihood; and are often, by their husbands, beaten like Stockfish, though Lent be long past. But what delight they have, in being curried with this sort of five-tooth'd Comb, the neighbours can judge by the miserable songs they sing.
These find also the Pleasures of Marriage, at which they have so long aimed, and so much indeavoured for; and would now gladly lick their fingers at that which they have many times thrown away upon the Dunghills, or in the Kennels; falling many times into deplorable poverty, or to receive Alms from the Churchwardens and charitable people; of which there are vast numbers of examples, too lamentable and terrible to be related.
By this small relation you may see what kind of points these sort of people have upon their Compass. But to write the true nature and actions of such Rubbish, were to no other purpose then to foul a vast quantity of paper with a deal of trash and trumpery. For many are damnably liquorish tooth'd, everlasting Tattlesters, lazy Ey-servants, salt Bitches, continual Mumblers out of their Pockets, wicked Scolds, lavish Drones, secret Drinckers, stifnecked Dunces, Tyrants over Children, StinkingSluts, Mouldy Brain'd trugs; hellish sottish Gipsies; nay and sometimes both Whorish and Theevish; and must, therefore, not have come into consideration here, if they did not so especially belong to the disconsolations of Marriage; occasioning many times more troubles and disquiets in a Family, then all the rest of the adversities that may befall it.
This is the reason that makes the Mistriss many times turn one after t'other out of dores; and is afreard that a new one should come in again. And is also ashamed that the Neighbors should see every foot a new Maid upon her flore; who by an evil nature, are ready to beleeve the worst of their fellow neighbours, what is told them by a tale-carrying, long-tongued Slut of a Maid; though they many times observe how wickedly they are plagued with their own.
O super-excellent Pleasure of Marriage! where shall we make a conclusion, if we should set all things down according to their worth and value! Certainly every one would, to that purpose, want a Clark in their own Family.
As continual prosperity giveth a great satisfaction to married people; and congealeth their hearts more and more with a fervent Love; so, on the contrary, we many times see, that when they are oppressed with bad Trading, Bankrupts, chargeable housekeeping and Children, it occasions and raises a coolness in the affections; insomuch that it disquiets their rest, and they consume the whole night many times with flying fancies and cogitations, how such an Assignment, or that Bill of Exchange, or the last half years rent shal be paid, &c. because the emptness of their Purse, and the slow paiment of their Debtors too much impedes them. And their yearly rents are so small and uncertain, that there runs away many times more in reparations and taxations annually then the rents amounts to. This occasions disquiet. From this it proceeds, that many times when they rise, their wits run a wool-gathering, and they are more inclined to look crabbedly, grumble and mumble, then to shew each other any signs of love and friendship: for an empty purse, makes a sorrowfull pate. This gives no smal defeat to the Pleasures of Marriage. Now they begin to observe that there is no state or condition in the World so compleat, but it hath some kind of imperficiency.
Plate 20197Published by the Navarre Society, London.
This kind of necessity may, by a man, in a Tavern, with good company, be rinsed with a glass of Wine, but never thereby be supplied: And the woman may with singing and dandling of her children, or controuling and commanding of her servants, a little forget it, yet nevertheless when John the cashier comes with the Bill of Exchange, and William the Bookkeeper with the Assignment, they ought both to be paid, or else credit and respect ly at the stake. This requires a great deal of prudence, to take care for the one, and preserve the other.
The best sort of Matches have found this by experience to be true: And for that reason they ofttimes stop a little hole to make a bigger. But because this can be of no long continuance, some do measure their business smaller out at first, and dwell at a lesser rent, hire out their Chambers and Cellars; and afterwards, make mony of some movables, will not turmoil themselves with so much trade, and great trust; nay sometimes also, take some other trade by the hand, the commodities whereof are of a quicker consumption. And if this happen to people that are not so perfectly well match'd, as our self-same-minded couple, and that the husbandhath been a frequenter of company, you shall then seldom see that the husband and the Wife are concordant in their opinions; for he generally will be for trading in Wine and Tobacco, in which sort of commodities he is well studied; and the woman is for dealing in linnen, stockings, gloves, or such like Wares as she knows best how to traffick with. And verily it looks but sadly (although it oftentimes happens) when a Man and his Wife do contend about this. Nevertheless some men, because they imagine to have the best understanding, use herein a very hard way of discourse with their wives, making it all their business to snap and snarl, chide and bawl, nay threaten and strike also; which indeed rather mars then mends the matter, little thinking that quietness in a family is such a costly Jewell, that it seldom can be valued.
Others, on the contrary, take their greatest delight, when they know how, with affableness to please their wives humour, and with plausible words can admonish them what is best and fittest to be done; and rather to extoll those graces which are found in them, than to reprove their deficiencies: According to the instructions of the prudent Emperor Marcus Aurelius, who said, that men ought often to admonish their wives, seldom reprove them, and never strike them.
But many men whose understanding is turned topsie turvy in their brains, seek it in a contraryplace, and where the Bank is lowest, the Water breaks in soonest. In such case the Women suffer cruelly. For if he be foul-mouth'd, he is not ashamed openly before his servants and other people to check, curb, and controul his wife lustily; and when they are in private together, reprehends her so bitterly, that he would not dare to mention it in the ears of honest people: because having seen that his Border, out of meer civility, cut many times the best peece at Table and presented to his Wife, bilds thereupon a foundation of jealousie, and an undoubted familiarity, which he privately twits her in the teeth with; though in publick he is ashamed to let it appear that he is jealous; because then he would be laught at for it; therefore he doth nothing but pout, mumble, bawl, scold, is cross-grain'd and troubled at every thing; nay looks upon his Wife and all the rest of his Family like a Welsh Goat, none of them knowing the least reason in the World for it.
In the meanwhile he useth all possible means privately to attrap his wife; for to see that which he never will see; and at which he is so divellishly possessed to have a wicked revenge; nay which he also never can see though he had a whole boxfull of spectacles upon his nose; because she never hath, or ever will give him the least reason for it. In that manner violating loves knot, and laying a foundation of implacable hatred.
Verily, if a woman be a little light-hearted and merry humoured, it is a great delight and pleasure for her to be taking notice, and every way to be scoffing, with all the foolish tricks and devices of such a jealous Coxcomb. But otherwise there is no greater Hell upon Earth, then for an honest Woman to dwell with a jealous husband; because in his absence she dare not in the least speak to any one, and in his presence hardly look upon any body. This is known to those, who have had experience of it, and it never went well with any Family where this damned house-divel ever got an entrance.
'Tis true, all men are not defiled with this dirtiness. But such Loggerheads many times occasion, through their wicked folly and evill doings, that the Woman, who before never thought of jealousie, now begins to grow jealous her self. For she, considering that her husband is so without any ground or reason, looks so sour, and ill-natured; and alwaies when he comes home every thing stands in his way; besides, that the soothings and friendly entertainments, should differ so much from those of former times, and especially from them of the first year; cannot imagine that the small gain and the bad times are the occasion of it; therefore she thinks that there is some other fine Gipsie, that puts him on to these base humors, or that he is led away by some or other charming Punk.
And it is no wonder, because coming home lately he said, that somewhere as he was walking home he had lost his Watch, which he had just as he was coming out of the Tavern. And two or three weeks before came home without his Cloak, saying, that some wicked Rascals had taken it from him in the streets. Moreover she rememorates, how he related not long since, that he had been, out of jest, one evening, with three or four others, in six of the most vile and wickedest Bawdy houses in the City, though that he had committed nothing unhandsom there, as he said; therefore she thinks that she hath more reason to suspect his evil doings, then he hath of hers.
And having pondered upon all these things, this and t'other way, imagineth that she hath a great deal of reason to suspect him. Nay, the daily grumbling and mumbling, the lessening of the mony, his coming home late at nights, his cool kindness, besides all the rest, seem to be sufficient proofs. So that here the Pleasure of Marriage is so monstrously Clouded, as if there were a great Eclipse of the Sun, and it will be a wonder to see with what kind of colour it will appear again. For the Husband catechizes his Wife with such a loud voice, that it is generally heard through the whole neighbourhood; and the Wife, to vindicate her innocency, lets fly at him again with such a shrill note, as if she had gone to school to learn it in DruryLane, or Turnball street. And it is a wonder that the first Chyrurgian is not sent for to cure this Woman of her bad tongue.
Here you ought to come, O restless Lovers, to behold your selves in these two darlings; you, who in your wooing are also possessed with jealousie, if you see that another obtains access to your Mistriss; or who, perhaps as wel as you, doth but once kiss the knocker of the dore, or cause an Aubade to be plaied under her Chamber Window: Look sharply about you, and behold how these Aubades decline, or whether it be worth your while to give your Rival the Challenge; or to stab, poison, or drown'd your self, to shew, by such an untimely death, the love you had for her; and on your Grave, bear this Epitaph, that through damn'd jealousie you murthered your self. These married Couple, used to do so; but see now what a sad life they live together, because jealousie took root in them so soon, and now bringeth forth such evill fruits.
Oh that this, now senceless, married Couple, had here, like the Athenians, prudent Umpires! how easily might they, perhaps, be united and pacified! For the Athenians had constituted a certain sort of superiors, whom they intituled Pacificators of the married people; whose Power was to appease all differences between married people; and to constrain them that they must live in peace and unity with each other. Inlike manner at Rome a Temple was built, where scolding married people, being reunited, came to sacrifice, and to live in better tranquility.
But alas! it is now clear contrary, such contentious Couples, use all the means and indeavours they possibly can rather to be divorced, then reunited; to that end solliciting both the Majestical and Ecclesiastical Powers; to whom are related a thousand sad reasons by each party, because either of them pretendeth to have the greatest reason on their side; of which this Age imparteth us several examples, wherewith the Magistracy, Ministry and Elders find no small trouble; especially, if they be people of a brave extraction, good credit and reputation, who have procreated severall children together. For this jealous and contentious house Divell, domineers as well among people of great respect, as those of lesser degree; though there be some which so order it, that they smother this fire within dores, and suffer it not to burst out at the house top. Nevertheless it is impossible to hide this unkindness from the eys of them that are in the Family. Therefore it is to be admired, that the sister who dwelleth with this married Couple, and seeth and hears all this unkindness, mumbling and grumbling, yet hath such an earnest desire to be set down in the List of the great Company. Nay though she had read all the twenty Pleasures of Marriage through and through, and finds by the example of herBrother that they are all truth; yet she is like a Fish, never at rest till she gets her self into the Marriage-Net, where she knows that she never can get out again: According to these following Verses, which she hath sung so many times:
You may in sea lanch when you will,To see the boistrous Main,Great storms, and wind, your sails will fill,Fore you return again.The married state, is much like this,O'rewhelm'd with many crosses,Yet must be born, see how it is,With tauntings, toils, and losses.