a black actress in stylish dress with ermine muff
What a Loud voice the Boy has. Yes; he is a Call boy. What are his Functions? Why, he Calls upon the actors to Act, of course. Then again, he Smokes cigarettes. Why does he Call the leading man "Charlie"? Because he has Known him a long, long Time; as much as Two weeks! Sometimes the Boy is condescending and gives the actors Tips on how to act. He tells them confidentially how Rotten the others are. He says he Thinks the ingenue is a Stupid child! Perhaps she Slapped his face when he tried to Kiss her. Emulate the Call boy, children. He knows more about the Business than Any one else.
call boy knocking on a door
What Beautiful figures these Two men have. The figures are on paper. They represent the Enormous profits made by the Show. Later they will be published in the Papers. The public will Be told how enormously Successful the Show has been. There are Other figures over on the Table. There is nothing beautiful about the Second set. What are they for? They are to reckon the Royalty on. The Royalty goes to the Man who wrote the play. Are either set of figures correct? Ask the managers.
two men looking at list of figures on wall
You must always believe what you see in the Papers. This paper says the Show has made a big Hit. What does that Mean? Does it mean that the management has been hit? Or the public? The paper says the Leading lady is a Dream. Dear me! Did you Ever have Bad Dreams? Why, this must be a Press notice; there's a drawback in every Line. Good press notices swell the Box office receipts. Yes; and sometimes they Swell the press agent's Head.
Hark! Do you Hear the real Fire bells? Oh, see the real Fire enginedashacross the Stage! The horses move Almost as quickly as a Broadway car. How red the real Flames are. Yes; the Gas bill will be very High. Do not scream, children; no one will get Burnt. This is not a Real fire; there is no Smoke. The show is Certainly a Hot one. It will be Hotter to-morrow—after the Critics have Roasted it. The programme says the Fire scene is marvellously Realistic. Let us Light two or three programmes and Throw them into the aisle. There! Do you notice any Difference?
scene of fire in the play
See the Gallery usher. He must be Very tired, for he leans indolently against the doorpost. Perhaps he does not like his High station. How Graceful is his pose; how airy his demeanor. His clothes are shabby—or perhaps it is a new style. We will Ask him to Take us to our seats. Surely you Did not expect him to Move? Oh, no; he would Not think of doing That. Instead, he waves His hand gracefully. He says, "First two, first row." How kind! We will not disturb his rest. But if you will tap his forehead Gently with a Brick, Johnny, he may wake up.
gallery usher leaning against wall pointing
Let us listen to the Popular song. It is being sung by a Charming damsel. No; Johnny, we are not referring to the Song but to the Singer. The song ends inoo-oo-oo. Isn't it a Masterpiece! And the music sounds like yellow hosiery. How sublimely entrancing! The song is a Great success. Everybody will Buy several copies. The song is popular because it ends inoo-oo-oo! No one cares for the rest of the words. Noble words like These will make any Song popular. If you are a Genius, Clara, you will write anoo-oo-oosong.
This is the Man who plays the Drums. How short he is—and how Fat. He has three Kettle drums, a tenor and a bass. Sometimes he is a Cuckoo clock. Oh, listen! Now he is a church Bell. Pretty soon he will Play on some sticks of Kindling wood tied together. Isn't he clever? Music seems to come from His finger tips. How deft he is. Of course, he has never upset a Sugar bowl, Johnny. How did he Get his Wonderful Musical education? Perhaps it was drummed into him. His wife says She can't get him to Practise on the kindling Wood at home. What a pity.
Isn't this a cute Little envelope? It contains the Actor's salary. The actor has Told his friends just what Salary he is getting. This looks like a Very small envelope to hold Such a Large sum. Maybe it is in very large bills. Actors often do get large Bills. Shall we look at the Figures on the outside of the Envelope? No; we Might be disappointed in the actor If we did. Perhaps the actor will Pay back the Fiver he borrowed, now that he Has got his salary. Can you define the Word "perhaps," children?
Who are all these People standing around? Oh, this is a booking Agency; a place where They put your name in a Book. Let us listen to what The people say. From their Talk they must be the Greatest actors and actresses in the Country. No doubt that is Correct. This large man says he has Made more great Hits than any Other actor in the Land. Is a touch a hit? Surely these Great Artists do not come Here looking for Work. Dear me, no; they Just drop in to get their Mail.
Do you Notice the chilly feeling, children? Yes; the lady Star has Quarrelled with the Manager. She says she will Have her friends Back on the stage Whenever she likes. The manager says it is against the Rules. Why is he So angry about a little Thing? Why, don't you know? One of the friends was a Particular friend. The manager likes to be The particular friend himself. Will he fire the pretty Lady star? No; they will have Supper together and all will be Serene. If he should Fire the pretty lady they Would both go Broke.
The monologue artist is a Funny fellow. His salary is very Large and he is the Real thing. If a joke is not funny he will Tell it over and Over again. All vaudeville people Think it is a Sin to waste a good Joke. Can you tell Me where the Monologue artist Gets his jokes from? No; no one knows that, but He is very fond of Reading ancient Roman books. You would Never think it from his Talk, would you? Oh, never!
Why is this Man called the Low comedian? Is it because he Comes high? How humorous are his Antics on the stage! On the Street he looks like a Belated funeral. See what a curt Nod he gives the Leading man as they Pass each other. Are they not Good friends? Oh, yes, they are Very good friends, but the Comedian thinks the Show would be Much better if the leading man were Out of the Cast. Is the comedian Jealous then? No. Actors are never jealous.
What a wonderful thing is the Positively last appearance! The Great singer is going to Retire. We must Hurry up and get seats so that We can hear her. Do not delay or we will Miss a great Treat. Is it not nice of the Singer to give a farewell tour? So considerate! We remember that she did it when Mother was young. Perhaps, when we have Grand-children, she will give a Farewell tour for them. Do great singers never Grow old? No; people who give Last appearances grow younger every day.
Children, observe the Curtain. Is it not a work of Art? The painting on it is very, very beautiful. The Art is so far above us that we cannot Tell what the Picture is meant for. Is that a Horse in the lower corner? Surely it is. How strong the horse is. His limbs are like Iron. They look it! Why has the Lady with Pink hair got on a Green sheet? That's a very simple question. The Painter was an Irishman and so by Putting a fold of the Sheet over the Lady's head he got the Green above the Red. Patriotic painter!
What a crush in the Lobby. The handsome couple are Hurrying to Catch their train. The man behind has Caught the lady's train for her. He says, "Excuse me." The lady Smiles and says it is no Matter. She whispers to her Husband. She says, Blankety blank Ham bones! Is she not a great linguist? The lady in the Pretty dress in Front of her is Lifting her skirt very High. She does not want to get it Dirty. What long stockings she Has. How angry she would Be if she Thought we had Noticed.
man stepping on woman's train
What a beautiful Hat the lady has on. It cost Thirty-five dollars. She is going to sit down. Will she take the Hat off? Dear me, no! That would be Wasting Thirty-five Dollars. See the Pretty Flowers and Plumage. How much more beautiful They are than the Old scenery on the Stage. How kind of the Lady to keep her Hat on so that every one can Admire it. That is right, Johnny; make paper balls and throw them at the Hat. Try to hit the Lady on the Ear. She likes playful children. See, there is another Lady with a hat on. This is not a Play; it is a Millinery Display.
Now, children, you must be very Quiet for we are Up in the Flies and the Performance is going On. Do you know what those ropes are? They are to Pull the scenes up and down. Isn't there a lot of Dust up here? Yes; but it is nothing to the Dust the Manager would raise if He knew we were up Here. It is not at all Necessary for the manager to raise the Wind in order to raise a Dust. Oh, dear me, no. Why do they Call the place the Flies? Because the scenes fly up and Down. Loosen the ropes, Clara. Yes, three of them. There, do you see how it is Done? But what is that Noise on the stage? Come, children, I think we had Better go.
What a very Nice-looking man that is, sitting Next to you, Harry. He looks so happy, too. Is he Talking to himself? No, no, silly, he is just Humming the airs of the Opera. He does that so that We will know that He has heard the Music before. How thoughtful of Him. Pretty soon he Will begin to tell the Lady he is with just what is Going to happen. Naturally she will enjoy the play much Better after he does that. But would it not Be a nice thing to Repay him for his Trouble? Suppose we hit him With a Brick when he comes out. That will be a Thoughtful thing to do.
Who is the Handsome man in the Beautiful greasy overalls? Is it not the Man we saw on the Street car that Every one took for an Actor? What is he Doing here on the Stage at so Early an hour? Ah! little children, he is a poor but Honest scene-shifter, and he is About to go to Work. Can any one tell where He got the Lovely clothes he Wore in the Car? No? Well, we will not Press the question, and The clothes have already been pressed.
Can you tell me What that thing is Right in front of the Gallery? Clever boy, Johnny; itisthe Calcium light. It is used to Make pretty colors on the Stage. When the very Interesting scene is on, the Man who runs it will take particular trouble to Get in the way of the People behind him. Why does he Do this? Is it Simply because he is a Calcium man? But you ought to See how Brave and lion-like he is When he has Forgotten to Throw the Spot light on the Star. He is Very considerate of the Audience, oh, yes, but He doesn't care a Hang for the Manager.
Hold your breaths, Children, this is Going to be a dark change. All the lights have gone out, so we Will not be able to See the things on the Stage. Do you see anything with White shirt sleeves Running across the Stage? Ah! See the Table get up and Walk off. The scenes are Swinging around and Disappearing. How funny it is that we think we See things. Of course we don't, for this is a Dark change. Biff! the lights have Been lit again. Why does the man in the White shirt sleeves run off the Stage in such a Hurry?
Have you noticed the Wires under your seats, children? They are called Hat Racks. Some silly people say they Are nerve racking. They are put under The seats to hold person's Hats. It Never takes more than fifteen Minutes to get a hat into one, but You can get a hat out in Half an hour! If you want to Make your Tall hat look like a Derby put it In a hat rack. The man who Invented them knew how to take Care of a hat, for the Rack is so arranged that the Hat will fall down on to the Dusty floor, just when somebody is Going to stick his Feet out under your Chair.
Wait till all the Other folks are gone, my dears, so that we can See the Sweeper. Ah, here he is. He is the man who sweeps out the Theatre. Notice how gently he Puts the chair seats up. If any one should lose their Diamonds, and he Were to find them, would He turn them in at the Box office? Of course he would! Sometimes he Finds umbrellas. What does he do with those?—Ah, well, even the poor should Lay something away for a Rainy day. The Box-office man will Tell you that the Sweeper once found a set of False teeth and Turned them in.
Here we have the Foreign Artiste. See; a reporter is going to Interview her. She saysbon jourto the Reporter. That is so he will Know she is French. If we listen we will hear Her talk about "gay Par-ee and ze Nobilitee she have met on ze Continong." What a beautiful accent she Has. The reporter is Smiling. When he comes out he Will say that she was Born in Ireland and that her Right name is Murphy. But then, of course, Reporters always think they Know everything. Ah, the Foreign Artiste has lost her Handkerchief. Is the language she Uses now, French?
bare shouldered actress peeking through curtain opening
The really Great Actress is going to Europe. Her friends are all down to See her off. They have brought huge Bunches of flowers labelled "Bon Voyage." With all the Candy she has, she ought to have a bon bon Voyage. She will go to London first, she Says. Will she stay in London long? Oh, yes; she will get a Little room in Bloomsbury and Cook her own meals. When she comes Back she will tell of the Delightfully Bohemian customs of the English. Will she enjoy her Trip to Europe? Rahther!
Oh, look! the actor is putting on his Shirt. Don't you remember how Clean and white it Looked last night? But this shirt is Dirty. Or are these stains of toil? Surely the Actor will not wear this shirt Again. Do not take too much for Granted, children. Clean shirts are a Very expensive Luxury. If the actor were a Manager now, he Might wear a clean shirt Every night. Managers always have Money, but Actors put so Much in the Bank that they can not afford many Clean shirts. And, besides, what's the use?
Did you notice the Check room? Isn't it a lovely arrangement? There is Absolutely no charge. The programme says so. When you check your Overcoat, Johnny, be sure and Leave your change in the Pocket. Then you will know Where it is. Do not think of Asking for your Overcoat again Until the next morning. You might inconvenience the Boy in charge if you did and then he Might make you Wait. There is no Charge for checking, but If you were to Give the Boy anything for himself he Would be very grateful. He might even say Thank you.
This is a Sad sight that greets us, Little children. Do you know What it is? It is the newspaper man who has to Go to all the Theatres every night. He must do this so that If there is anything doing it will be In the papers. Is there anything Doing to-night? Yes; the Actors are doing the Managers and the Managers are doing the public. Do the public Like to be done? There is no such thing as the Public, children; each Man thinks he is too wise to be Done. But the newspaper man; what About him? Ah, that is the Sad part of it. The press agents Do him every time they Get a chance.
Let us look into the actor's Trunk. It has just been Brought up to the Dressing room. The poor actor; he must have Packed his trunk in a Great hurry. See; here is a Panama hat that he Wears in the First scene, right on Top. The place for hats is the Bottom of the trunk. Johnny, take the Things all out and We will re-pack the trunk. There now; that's much better. Everything that was on top is now on the Bottom. How Glad the actor will be when he sees what We have done. He will come in in a Hurry and will be Tickled to death. In spite of his hurry He will try to find us so that he can Thank us.
The hotel Clerk has been to see the Show. He is trying to Make an impression on the Soubrette. He sent her a Big bunch of Flowers and a Little note. He would like to Take her to Supper. Does he Know the Soubrette? Oh, dear, no. He has never seen her Off the stage. He will wait at the Stage door for Her and will Wear a big Carnation in his Buttonhole. The man With the broad Shoulders will be there, Too. The Soubrette will call the Latter "Pop" and will introduce the two Men. Then the Hotel clerk will say how Pleased he will be to Buy supper for Three.
Step softly, children dear; the actor is dying. He has played many parts in his life and has made many enemies. Some of them are gathered round him now; the others have always been his friends. Once he was rich, but of late he has been poor. His friends and enemies alike have helped him. They have given their services at benefits and have visited him. Some who have spoken harshly of him are sorry now, and they say so. Are there many people as good to their kind as actors and actresses?
Transcriber's Notes:Hyphenation inconsistencies: Both "Bald-headed" and "Baldheaded" are used in this text.
Hyphenation inconsistencies: Both "Bald-headed" and "Baldheaded" are used in this text.