INGOLDSBY(hotly)
What do you mean by terrorizing a lady?
RUPERT
I didn’t! I didn’t say aword! Iwasbehind there, but I couldn’t help it. It wasn’tmyvoice talking to you.
INGOLDSBY
Then who was it?
THE MYSTERIOUS VOICE
If you’re anxious for more witnesses, I suggest that you look under the settee.
MRS. BRIGGS(changing her mind as she is in the act of sinking down upon the settee)
What!
JESSIE
Look at it!
(Mrs. Briggs screams faintly, as the settee moves rapidly to the left entrance, evidently meaning to leave the room.)
INGOLDSBY(to Rupert)
Stop that thing! Catch it!
(They seize the settee just as it is disappearing into the corridor. They drag it back into the room.)
RUPERT(trying to lift the settee)
Come out from under there!
INGOLDSBY
Come out, now!
THE SETTEE
I won’t! You lea’ me alone!
INGOLDSBY
Both together now—heave!
(They heave, and the settee yields, disclosing Lancelot with his previously smooth hair disheveled and his clothes well rumpled.)
MRS. BRIGGS(astonished)
Lancelot! Oh, gracious me!
INGOLDSBY(to Lancelot)
Shame on you!
RUPERT
Yes, shame on you!
LANCELOT(resentfully)
Well, youwouldget me; but I’ll make you sorry you did it, both of you! (He rises, brushing himself and adjusting his attire.)
INGOLDSBY(irritably)
Don’t you know better than to frighten ladies and eavesdrop and—
LANCELOT(warmly)
I was abs’lootly honorable, because I couldn’t help it, and you none of you ever gave me a single chance to get away.Myconduct is the only one here that hasn’t got a stain on it or anything. (He turns hotly upon Mrs. Briggs and Jessie.) I got nothing to reproach myself with, but I’d just like to know what either of you got to say for yourselvesnowabout the way you been talkin’ about Mrs. Curtis! If you either of you ever justdareto soil yourlips with even hernameagain, why, I know morethings—
MRS. BRIGGS
Be quiet, Lancelot.
LANCELOT
Quiet?Me?(He laughs shortly with an irony he could not express in words.) In the first place, don’t call me Lancelot any more. You know how I hate that name, and I been tryin’ to break you of it long enough—and now I will! I don’t care what you call me, but don’t call methat!
JESSIE(pointing to the settee)
How long were you under there?
LANCELOT(sternly)
Long enough to get mighty tired of hearin’ people callin’ each other “Darling”! Good gracious! You don’t think Ienjoyedit, do you? Why, what I heard while I was under there—well, I got a pretty strong constitution, but—
MRS. BRIGGS
Hush! Oh, me!
INGOLDSBY
The voice that spoke didn’t sound like Lancelot’s voice—
LANCELOT(turning upon him ominously)
Did you hear me say not to call me Lancelot? I mean you, too.
INGOLDSBY(with hasty meekness)
I’ll call you anything you like; but I want to know who it was thatspoke. You say it wasn’t you—
LANCELOT(very emphatically)
No, it wasn’t. I wouldn’t ’a’ told you to look under the settee, would I?
INGOLDSBY(with a gesture toward Rupert)
And this gentleman says it wasn’t he.
RUPERT
Why, it spoke again after I came out.
INGOLDSBY(quite bewildered)
So it did. Then who—
LANCELOT
I don’t care who it was; what I want to point out, right here and now, before we go any further, why, I’m in a position to say that I got some plans for my future life and I don’t expect to have any intaference with ’em from my family, or from anybody that wants tojoinmy family either. All up to now, I’ve spent my life in a dependent position, so to speak, but after what’s happened here lately, and knowin’ all thethingsIdoknow—
(His voice has risen during this oration, and Jessie, after a glance to the left entrance, attempts to moderate him.)
JESSIE
Hush! There’s somebody—
LANCELOT
I don’t carewho’scomin’, I’m goin’ to say my say. I expect to settle my own future in my own way, and any lady that I may decide to makeanothermember of this family—
JESSIE
Hush!
(The eyes of Lancelot follow hers to the left entrance and his stern manner is instantly softened.)
LANCELOT
It’s her.
(Mrs. Curtis comes in, but stops uncertainly near the entrance.)
MRS. CURTIS
Oh! I’m afraid I— (She turns to go.)
LANCELOT
Wait. I was just talkin’ to ’em about you.
MRS. CURTIS
You were, Mr. Briggs?
LANCELOT(to the others, reprovingly)
Shenever calls me Lancelot. Missuz—Missuz Curtis, I didn’t have to tell ’em; they’d already found out you were a widow. We don’t need to bother about that anyway.
MRS. CURTIS
Wedon’t?
LANCELOT
I’ve found out a goodmanythings since I saw you, and I’m goin’ to tell you the whole biznuss.
MRS. BRIGGS
Shame!
JESSIE(with a despairing laugh)
What would it matter? There’s somebodyelsehere that knows “the whole biznuss”!
MRS. CURTIS(struck by this)
What did you say, Miss Briggs?
INGOLDSBY(warmly)
She made a sensible remark, madam. There is a person concealed in this room—
MRS. CURTIS(impulsively)
Oh, dear! How did you know?
ALL THE OTHERS
What?
MRS. CURTIS
Nothing.
INGOLDSBY
All right! (To Rupert.) I think I know now where he is, and I’m going to have him out.
MRS. CURTIS(gasping, then imploringly)
Pleasestop!
INGOLDSBY(halting)
Why?
MRS. CURTIS(weakly)
It’s a friend of mine.
LANCELOT(apprehensively)
A friend of yours?
MRS. CURTIS
I—I’ll answer for him. He’ll never mention—ah—anything. He really wouldn’t be interested. He doesn’t know any of you.
THE MYSTERIOUS VOICE
No; and doesn’t care to!
INGOLDSBY(angrily)
Now, Iwill—
MRS. CURTIS
Pleasedon’t!
INGOLDSBY
I mean to know who he is.
MRS. CURTIS(pleading)
Please! If you found him, you’d only see a total stranger to you. But hewouldn’tbe astranger to quite a lot of people in this hotel thatIknow.
INGOLDSBY(now shaking his head)
I’m afraid I don’t see it.
MRS. CURTIS(in a faltering voice)
He’s just here for one day and we—we didn’t want anyone to know it. I had so many engagements I could only take a short walk in the country with him this morning and—and promise to meet him here at five this afternoon.
LANCELOT(who has been staring at her painfully)
But—but—see here!
MRS. CURTIS
Yes, I tried to get you to run away and dance with some nice young thing.
LANCELOT(pathetically)
So you could be here with—him?
MRS. CURTIS
I—I believe so.
LANCELOT(dismally)
Oh, my!
INGOLDSBY
Madam, what you say doesn’t excuse this person’s eavesdropping.
THE MYSTERIOUS VOICE(belligerently)
Why doesn’t it? A lady’s got a right to keep her engagement a secret as long as she wants to, hasn’t she? There are people in this hotel that would know all about it if they saw her with me. (With some bitterness.) That’s why she said to meet her here, because it’s so quiet!
INGOLDSBY
That doesn’t excuse—
THE MYSTERIOUS VOICE
It’s more your fault than anybody else’s. I was awake all last night on a noisy train, and I was quietlyasleephere—till you woke me up.
INGOLDSBY
Tillwhowoke you up?
THE MYSTERIOUS VOICE
Tillyoudid. I never knew a man that made so much noise about proposing a second marriage.
JESSIE(amazed)
Oh, Mamma!
MRS. BRIGGS(with severe dignity)
I’ll speak to you and Mr. Rupert Smith after dinner. Henry, I don’t see the propriety of continuing an argument with this interloper, whoever he may be. (She takes Ingoldsby’s arm.)
JESSIE
No. Let’sdoget away from here! (She moves toward the left entrance with Rupert.)
INGOLDSBY(looking back, as he follows with Mrs. Briggs; speaks reprovingly)
I hope you have some shame for your conduct, sir.
THE MYSTERIOUS VOICE
Bless you, my children!
INGOLDSBY(infuriated)
Now, I’ll— (He turns to go back.)
MRS. BRIGGS(restraining him)
Henry!
(They go on the left entrance. Jessie and Rupert have passed out into the corridor.)
LANCELOT
Did he say “a lady’s got a right to keep her—herengagement—a secret”?
MRS. CURTIS
Yes.
LANCELOT
To—to—to you?
MRS. CURTIS
Yes, dear.
LANCELOT(piteously)
Oh—oh, pshaw!
MRS. BRIGGS(calling back)
Lancelot!
LANCELOT(meekly)
Yes’m.
(He goes dismally across to the left entrance and pauses. Ingoldsby and Mrs. Briggs have withdrawn, preceding him.)
MRS. CURTIS(as he pauses)
What is it, Mr. Briggs?
LANCELOT(swallowing)
Noth—nothin’. (He goes out.)
MRS. CURTIS(turning, after a moment’s faintly smiling meditation)
You poor thing!
THE MYSTERIOUS VOICE(in an aggrieved tone)
Well, I should say I am!
(She goes to the Philippine chair, near the right rear corner, and, moving a smaller chair close to it, seats herself and addresses the invisible person, who is evidently sitting in the shelter of the big chair.)
MRS. CURTIS
After all, there’s nobody else here justnow, darling.
THE MYSTERIOUS VOICE
No. We’re alone, darling.
MRS. CURTIS
You poor darling!
(She glances about, then impulsively leans behind the huge back of the Philippine chair as the curtain descends.)