Admonition
Take from your statute laws and booksAll legal protection for thieves and crooks;Your complicated bills of mechanics’ liensThat offer to rogues the ample meansThe owners of houses with their demesnesTo make go down humbly into their jeansFor the jingly coin doubly to payThe working man, and padded expenses defray.Your unjust schemes of municipal taxationThat cause home owners such great vexation.Your tax upon mortgages, bills and notesUpon which the poor man’s title barely floats,Causing him to pay levies upon his landsAs if they were clear like the rich man’s;By increasing for him his interest and duesWhich the money sharks collect as they choose.Your laws against usury one may takeTend solely the poor man’s back to break.You drive away the cheap money he might get,And leave him at the mercy of that lawless setWho fatten upon unfortunates suddenly thrown in debt.Nearly all your laws for the collection of duesInto our commercial life dishonesty infuse.Your regulations of homestead, exemption and staySimply postpone our troubles to another day.By intricate trials with their writs and pleas;And copious objections about titles and fees,Remainders absolute, contingent and entailed,Upon technicalities numberless justice is impaled;Your instructions, your errors and appeals,Until the waiting, anxious litigant feelsThat the door of the temple of justice is locked;And his chance of right is securely blocked.Your free legal aid and your festive welfare board,Their matrons and clerks, a mighty hungry hoard,Impose upon the payers of taxes a weighty load;All for the purpose of sending over the roadSome unfortunate victim of their own slimy graftOr some poor devil whom they kick “fore and aft.”Your Juvenile court of which the kids make sport,Where curtailed haired women and men hold the fort.And such institutions the wits of man can deviseAre considered by Progressives as blessings in disguise.Your tariffs for protection passed in Congress hallsTo build all around us mighty Chinese walls,Are sapping from the people their dear blood of life,And making for politicians no end of deadly strife.Your proctor with his aids to fight against divorce;Who by his pugnacity is seeking to enforceUnfortunate couples bound in unhappy wedded lockTo parade their troubles upon the public dock;And to bind the chains anew they seek to dissever,Holding them fast that he may be deemed clever,In the estimation of all the Christian Endeavor;And that class of persons who want now and foreverTo meddle in the affairs of all whomsoeverAre not able to disclaim the care they obtain;Who crowd upon the weak the blessings they do not seek;All to achieve for themselves a home in the skyWhen from their missions on earth they fly.The Commissioners of Vice are pulling for a sliceOf fame as it goes by investigating thoseWho employ many girls simply to keep them in hoseAnd such other fancy articles that they supposeWill always make them shine when they go out to dine,As a girl dressed up haply feels fine.And now here comes Teddy with his big stick and hatFor damages to his soiled name in legal spat,With a small newspaper man suing for a big chunkBecause he published that T. R. had been drunk.To tell the names of men who are shams in our timesWould overload my epic with variegated rhymes:The one named above is more than a man;He stands for ideas, a party and a clanBorn of disappointment and just turned looseSailing under the banner of the Big Bull Moose.This clique of theirs all swelling up to burstDecry all our institutions to be the very worst.They’d have our laws, judges and courts recalled,And others to suit them forthwith installed.They’d regulate the wages men have to pay,Neglecting to tell the laborer he might be in the wayUnless his work he did should his employers pay;For unless his production his pay did compensateHe and others would soon be off the slate.They told us too in tones as loud as they could prateHow all the monied men and trusts they’d regulate,Carefully hiding the man who was running their slate,And supplying the funds for them to navigate.The working man too his dinner pail they’d fillForgetting also to tell him to send in his bill.They’d secure to all the women free right to vote,So they could say to hubby: “We’ve got your goat.”And volumes of such ideas upon us did they floatAll too numerous in this article to quote.Drop your silly custom not worn off by growthThat judicial bodies must put a witness to oath,That all he says and all that he shall quoteWill be the truth and nothing but the truth,About the matters he relates in his witness booth.The reasons for this habit have long passed forsooth,It deceives none on bench or in jury box;It may occasionally aid some old, designing foxTo some youthful, verdant judge deceiveAnd, of some just debt himself relieve.On the whole, it does more harm than goodAs at present the thing is generally understood:For in a contested suit with one who knowsAgainst a trembly one who partially showsSome lingering faith in “Old Scare Crows,”The inclination to lie and deceive in the oneWould surely be by the other simply outdone:The one might be bound by the fears of hellWhile the other swears away his lies to tell.When the witness swears he’s perjured unawares,For by his plight he must the whole truth revealBy the rule he must more than half conceal.Stop your fight for prohibition and do the fair thing;Our people to temperance themselves will shortly bring.Take taxes off whisky, wine, liquor and beer;And, for the cause of temperance you needn’t have a fear.Let all your marts and markets freely sellEvery kind of liquor they ever heard tell;Let every one the stuff make from gulf to lake;Make the price so cheap that with one leap,Men will forsake the common thing to keep.At one cent a drink the bar keeper will thinkHis saloon will sink and soon put him on the brinkOf finding some other way all his expenses to pay;So out soon he goes not stopping his doors to close.There still will be drinking and that keeps you thinking,That by compulsion you can create a revulsionIn the taste of man heap sooner than you can.The truth is, you’ve always tried in vainAll these cultivated tastes of man to restrain.The more you try to force men good habits to acquire,The more you stir up and increase his raging desire,To show his freedom against which you conspire.He’ll go to any extent which you’ll never prevent,To get his booze on which his mind is bent;He’ll keep his “blind tigers” and his wooden legs,Hollowed out and neatly made with faucet of pegs,His whisky he’ll conceal and feel he’s in the right;So you’ll not stop him no matter how you fight.The drunkard will drink no matter what you think,At any cost no matter if you consider him lost.Make the price so cheap that for his family’s keep,He’ll still be ahead to buy his folks their bread.
Take from your statute laws and booksAll legal protection for thieves and crooks;Your complicated bills of mechanics’ liensThat offer to rogues the ample meansThe owners of houses with their demesnesTo make go down humbly into their jeansFor the jingly coin doubly to payThe working man, and padded expenses defray.Your unjust schemes of municipal taxationThat cause home owners such great vexation.Your tax upon mortgages, bills and notesUpon which the poor man’s title barely floats,Causing him to pay levies upon his landsAs if they were clear like the rich man’s;By increasing for him his interest and duesWhich the money sharks collect as they choose.Your laws against usury one may takeTend solely the poor man’s back to break.You drive away the cheap money he might get,And leave him at the mercy of that lawless setWho fatten upon unfortunates suddenly thrown in debt.Nearly all your laws for the collection of duesInto our commercial life dishonesty infuse.Your regulations of homestead, exemption and staySimply postpone our troubles to another day.By intricate trials with their writs and pleas;And copious objections about titles and fees,Remainders absolute, contingent and entailed,Upon technicalities numberless justice is impaled;Your instructions, your errors and appeals,Until the waiting, anxious litigant feelsThat the door of the temple of justice is locked;And his chance of right is securely blocked.Your free legal aid and your festive welfare board,Their matrons and clerks, a mighty hungry hoard,Impose upon the payers of taxes a weighty load;All for the purpose of sending over the roadSome unfortunate victim of their own slimy graftOr some poor devil whom they kick “fore and aft.”Your Juvenile court of which the kids make sport,Where curtailed haired women and men hold the fort.And such institutions the wits of man can deviseAre considered by Progressives as blessings in disguise.Your tariffs for protection passed in Congress hallsTo build all around us mighty Chinese walls,Are sapping from the people their dear blood of life,And making for politicians no end of deadly strife.Your proctor with his aids to fight against divorce;Who by his pugnacity is seeking to enforceUnfortunate couples bound in unhappy wedded lockTo parade their troubles upon the public dock;And to bind the chains anew they seek to dissever,Holding them fast that he may be deemed clever,In the estimation of all the Christian Endeavor;And that class of persons who want now and foreverTo meddle in the affairs of all whomsoeverAre not able to disclaim the care they obtain;Who crowd upon the weak the blessings they do not seek;All to achieve for themselves a home in the skyWhen from their missions on earth they fly.The Commissioners of Vice are pulling for a sliceOf fame as it goes by investigating thoseWho employ many girls simply to keep them in hoseAnd such other fancy articles that they supposeWill always make them shine when they go out to dine,As a girl dressed up haply feels fine.And now here comes Teddy with his big stick and hatFor damages to his soiled name in legal spat,With a small newspaper man suing for a big chunkBecause he published that T. R. had been drunk.To tell the names of men who are shams in our timesWould overload my epic with variegated rhymes:The one named above is more than a man;He stands for ideas, a party and a clanBorn of disappointment and just turned looseSailing under the banner of the Big Bull Moose.This clique of theirs all swelling up to burstDecry all our institutions to be the very worst.They’d have our laws, judges and courts recalled,And others to suit them forthwith installed.They’d regulate the wages men have to pay,Neglecting to tell the laborer he might be in the wayUnless his work he did should his employers pay;For unless his production his pay did compensateHe and others would soon be off the slate.They told us too in tones as loud as they could prateHow all the monied men and trusts they’d regulate,Carefully hiding the man who was running their slate,And supplying the funds for them to navigate.The working man too his dinner pail they’d fillForgetting also to tell him to send in his bill.They’d secure to all the women free right to vote,So they could say to hubby: “We’ve got your goat.”And volumes of such ideas upon us did they floatAll too numerous in this article to quote.Drop your silly custom not worn off by growthThat judicial bodies must put a witness to oath,That all he says and all that he shall quoteWill be the truth and nothing but the truth,About the matters he relates in his witness booth.The reasons for this habit have long passed forsooth,It deceives none on bench or in jury box;It may occasionally aid some old, designing foxTo some youthful, verdant judge deceiveAnd, of some just debt himself relieve.On the whole, it does more harm than goodAs at present the thing is generally understood:For in a contested suit with one who knowsAgainst a trembly one who partially showsSome lingering faith in “Old Scare Crows,”The inclination to lie and deceive in the oneWould surely be by the other simply outdone:The one might be bound by the fears of hellWhile the other swears away his lies to tell.When the witness swears he’s perjured unawares,For by his plight he must the whole truth revealBy the rule he must more than half conceal.Stop your fight for prohibition and do the fair thing;Our people to temperance themselves will shortly bring.Take taxes off whisky, wine, liquor and beer;And, for the cause of temperance you needn’t have a fear.Let all your marts and markets freely sellEvery kind of liquor they ever heard tell;Let every one the stuff make from gulf to lake;Make the price so cheap that with one leap,Men will forsake the common thing to keep.At one cent a drink the bar keeper will thinkHis saloon will sink and soon put him on the brinkOf finding some other way all his expenses to pay;So out soon he goes not stopping his doors to close.There still will be drinking and that keeps you thinking,That by compulsion you can create a revulsionIn the taste of man heap sooner than you can.The truth is, you’ve always tried in vainAll these cultivated tastes of man to restrain.The more you try to force men good habits to acquire,The more you stir up and increase his raging desire,To show his freedom against which you conspire.He’ll go to any extent which you’ll never prevent,To get his booze on which his mind is bent;He’ll keep his “blind tigers” and his wooden legs,Hollowed out and neatly made with faucet of pegs,His whisky he’ll conceal and feel he’s in the right;So you’ll not stop him no matter how you fight.The drunkard will drink no matter what you think,At any cost no matter if you consider him lost.Make the price so cheap that for his family’s keep,He’ll still be ahead to buy his folks their bread.
Take from your statute laws and books
All legal protection for thieves and crooks;
Your complicated bills of mechanics’ liens
That offer to rogues the ample means
The owners of houses with their demesnes
To make go down humbly into their jeans
For the jingly coin doubly to pay
The working man, and padded expenses defray.
Your unjust schemes of municipal taxation
That cause home owners such great vexation.
Your tax upon mortgages, bills and notes
Upon which the poor man’s title barely floats,
Causing him to pay levies upon his lands
As if they were clear like the rich man’s;
By increasing for him his interest and dues
Which the money sharks collect as they choose.
Your laws against usury one may take
Tend solely the poor man’s back to break.
You drive away the cheap money he might get,
And leave him at the mercy of that lawless set
Who fatten upon unfortunates suddenly thrown in debt.
Nearly all your laws for the collection of dues
Into our commercial life dishonesty infuse.
Your regulations of homestead, exemption and stay
Simply postpone our troubles to another day.
By intricate trials with their writs and pleas;
And copious objections about titles and fees,
Remainders absolute, contingent and entailed,
Upon technicalities numberless justice is impaled;
Your instructions, your errors and appeals,
Until the waiting, anxious litigant feels
That the door of the temple of justice is locked;
And his chance of right is securely blocked.
Your free legal aid and your festive welfare board,
Their matrons and clerks, a mighty hungry hoard,
Impose upon the payers of taxes a weighty load;
All for the purpose of sending over the road
Some unfortunate victim of their own slimy graft
Or some poor devil whom they kick “fore and aft.”
Your Juvenile court of which the kids make sport,
Where curtailed haired women and men hold the fort.
And such institutions the wits of man can devise
Are considered by Progressives as blessings in disguise.
Your tariffs for protection passed in Congress halls
To build all around us mighty Chinese walls,
Are sapping from the people their dear blood of life,
And making for politicians no end of deadly strife.
Your proctor with his aids to fight against divorce;
Who by his pugnacity is seeking to enforce
Unfortunate couples bound in unhappy wedded lock
To parade their troubles upon the public dock;
And to bind the chains anew they seek to dissever,
Holding them fast that he may be deemed clever,
In the estimation of all the Christian Endeavor;
And that class of persons who want now and forever
To meddle in the affairs of all whomsoever
Are not able to disclaim the care they obtain;
Who crowd upon the weak the blessings they do not seek;
All to achieve for themselves a home in the sky
When from their missions on earth they fly.
The Commissioners of Vice are pulling for a slice
Of fame as it goes by investigating those
Who employ many girls simply to keep them in hose
And such other fancy articles that they suppose
Will always make them shine when they go out to dine,
As a girl dressed up haply feels fine.
And now here comes Teddy with his big stick and hat
For damages to his soiled name in legal spat,
With a small newspaper man suing for a big chunk
Because he published that T. R. had been drunk.
To tell the names of men who are shams in our times
Would overload my epic with variegated rhymes:
The one named above is more than a man;
He stands for ideas, a party and a clan
Born of disappointment and just turned loose
Sailing under the banner of the Big Bull Moose.
This clique of theirs all swelling up to burst
Decry all our institutions to be the very worst.
They’d have our laws, judges and courts recalled,
And others to suit them forthwith installed.
They’d regulate the wages men have to pay,
Neglecting to tell the laborer he might be in the way
Unless his work he did should his employers pay;
For unless his production his pay did compensate
He and others would soon be off the slate.
They told us too in tones as loud as they could prate
How all the monied men and trusts they’d regulate,
Carefully hiding the man who was running their slate,
And supplying the funds for them to navigate.
The working man too his dinner pail they’d fill
Forgetting also to tell him to send in his bill.
They’d secure to all the women free right to vote,
So they could say to hubby: “We’ve got your goat.”
And volumes of such ideas upon us did they float
All too numerous in this article to quote.
Drop your silly custom not worn off by growth
That judicial bodies must put a witness to oath,
That all he says and all that he shall quote
Will be the truth and nothing but the truth,
About the matters he relates in his witness booth.
The reasons for this habit have long passed forsooth,
It deceives none on bench or in jury box;
It may occasionally aid some old, designing fox
To some youthful, verdant judge deceive
And, of some just debt himself relieve.
On the whole, it does more harm than good
As at present the thing is generally understood:
For in a contested suit with one who knows
Against a trembly one who partially shows
Some lingering faith in “Old Scare Crows,”
The inclination to lie and deceive in the one
Would surely be by the other simply outdone:
The one might be bound by the fears of hell
While the other swears away his lies to tell.
When the witness swears he’s perjured unawares,
For by his plight he must the whole truth reveal
By the rule he must more than half conceal.
Stop your fight for prohibition and do the fair thing;
Our people to temperance themselves will shortly bring.
Take taxes off whisky, wine, liquor and beer;
And, for the cause of temperance you needn’t have a fear.
Let all your marts and markets freely sell
Every kind of liquor they ever heard tell;
Let every one the stuff make from gulf to lake;
Make the price so cheap that with one leap,
Men will forsake the common thing to keep.
At one cent a drink the bar keeper will think
His saloon will sink and soon put him on the brink
Of finding some other way all his expenses to pay;
So out soon he goes not stopping his doors to close.
There still will be drinking and that keeps you thinking,
That by compulsion you can create a revulsion
In the taste of man heap sooner than you can.
The truth is, you’ve always tried in vain
All these cultivated tastes of man to restrain.
The more you try to force men good habits to acquire,
The more you stir up and increase his raging desire,
To show his freedom against which you conspire.
He’ll go to any extent which you’ll never prevent,
To get his booze on which his mind is bent;
He’ll keep his “blind tigers” and his wooden legs,
Hollowed out and neatly made with faucet of pegs,
His whisky he’ll conceal and feel he’s in the right;
So you’ll not stop him no matter how you fight.
The drunkard will drink no matter what you think,
At any cost no matter if you consider him lost.
Make the price so cheap that for his family’s keep,
He’ll still be ahead to buy his folks their bread.