for fear he should get wetThe Round Pond and the little model ships interested His Majesty most of all though, I fancy, and he spent quite a long time admiring them, until, while assisting a small boy to get his ship ashore, he had the misfortune to slip into the water himself, and had to be fished out with the assistance of a boathook.His Majesty certainly did not look either dignified or regal as he stood on the bank saturated with water, and his royal robes clinging about him in the most woe-begone manner—and as the crowd had greatly increased, Iwas very glad to get the poor Wallypug into a cab and drive home.his majesty has an accidentOn our way there, the Rhymester, being very much afraid of getting his clothes wet, sat in the furthest corner of the cab and amused himself by writing a verse on the subject of his Majesty’s misfortune, which read somehow like this:“King George I’ve heard is King of Greece,But since this luckless slipping,The Wallypug I do declareShould be the King ofDripping.”I think his Majesty thought it rather unkind of the Rhymester to make fun of himin this way, but before he had time to think much about the matter, we had arrived at our destination, and to my great surprise I could see a vast crowd collected at the doors of the building in which my flat is situated.CHAPTER IIISUNDRY SMALL HAPPENINGSWhatever could it all mean? The Doctor-in-Law stood on the steps, calling out, “Walk up, walk up, ladies and gentlemen, and see the Talking Fish,” while large posters were pasted on the walls, bearing the words, “Admission Sixpence” and “One day only.”The Commissionaire who usually stands at the door was looking very surprised and angry, while the page boy was grinning all over his face. Whatever was happening? I hastily paid the cabman, and followed by the Wallypug made my way through the crowd to the entrance.“Admission sixpence each,” said the Doctor-in-Law, holding out his hand.“walk up, walk up, ladies and gentlemen”“What do you mean?” I replied, “and what is all this crowd doing here?”“Admission sixpence each!” repeated the Doctor-in-Law stubbornly, not taking the least notice of my questions, and holding his wand across the doorway so that I could not get in.“Nonsense!” I cried; “I’m not going to pay to go into my own house.”“Pay for the Wallypug then and I’ll let you in free,” said the little man insinuatingly.“I shall do nothing of the sort,” I cried, pushing past him and hurrying up the stairs.To my surprise I found my rooms occupied by strangers. Sergeant One-and-Nine was reciting some of the Rhymester’s poems in the dining room to three deaf old ladies, two of whom had ear trumpets, while A. Fish, Esq., was holding a kind oflevéein my study, seated in a chair placed on the writing table, and was surrounded by an admiring crowd of people who were asking all sorts of questions.Mrs. Putchy met me at the door.“Oh, sir!” she exclaimed. “I’m so glad you’ve come home. I haven’t known what to do with all these people.”“But what does it all mean, Putchy?” Iinquired. “What are they doing here at all?”“Why, you see, sir!” said Mrs. Putchy, “Mr. Doctor-in-Law found that A. Fish, Esq., was attracting a good deal of attention out of doors, and he thought that it would be a capital idea to have a kind of show here and charge sixpence admission to see him; and if there’s been one, I’m sure there’s been a hundred people up here this afternoon. The remarks they’ve been making too, and the questions they’ve been asking. Why, one old lady, sir, wanted to know how much you paid A. Fish, Esq., a week, and if I wasquitesure that you gave him enough to eat. They’ve broken three chairs too, and that little Venetian glass vase that stood on the bracket in the corner. And just now I caught some little boys tearing pictures out of one of those illustrated books you brought home last week.”Here was a pretty state of affairs. The strangers had by this time left A. Fish, Esq., and had collected around the poor Wallypug, who had been waiting in his wet clothing in the hall, and I was obliged to politely but firmly insist upon them at once leaving thehouse, telling them that their money would be returned at the door.“I should think so, indeed,” said one angry-looking stout lady. “Why, the whole thing is a fraud and you ought to be thoroughly ashamed of yourself. Talking fish indeed! I don’t believe he’s a fish at all—at any rate, not what I call a ‘fish,’” and she flounced down the stairs only to return a moment or two afterwards to say, “I thought you said that we were to have our money back.”“So you are, madam,” I replied.“Well, why don’t you see that we get it then? That man downstairs refuses to give me any money. The whole thing is a swindle. But I don’t mean to be defrauded in this way, I can tell you.”I went downstairs and told the Doctor-in-Law that he must at once return everyone their money, and this after a great deal of grumbling he did, while the Commissionaire and the page boy tore down the posters outside the door at my request.I explained to the Doctor-in-Law that this sort of thing must not occur again, and made him promise that he would never again usemy rooms as a place in which to hold a show.I really felt rather annoyed about it, for I could not imagine whatever the neighbours would think of me for permitting such a scene to take place in my rooms, but it evidently was useless now to say anything more about it.The next morning, despite the wetting which the Wallypug had received at the Round Pond, his thoughts still ran upon boating, and nothing would satisfy his Majesty but that he should go for a row. I suggested Richmond as the best place to start from, and so we drove over Hammersmith Bridge and across Barnes Common.Arrived at Richmond we had no difficulty in securing a nice boat.“I’ll row for one,” said his Majesty.“And I for another,” said the Rhymester.“Very well then,” I replied. “Perhaps the Doctor-in-Law will steer, and so we will manage very nicely.”Quite a large crowd had collected to see us start, and perhaps that is what made the Wallypug so nervous; as it was, as soon aswe pushed off, his Majesty fell backwards with his feet sticking up above the seat, while the Rhymester stuck one oar deep down into the water and pulled it with all his might, while the other flourished about in the air.his majesty fell backwardsThe Doctor-in-Law’s idea of steering consisted in pulling first one string and then the other, and so we did not get along very well just at first.When the Wallypug had picked himself up from the bottom of the boat, however, and the Rhymester and he made another attempt, I think we should have got along fairly well if the Doctor-in-Law, in trying to get out of the way of a passing boat, had not steered us into the bank, where we stuck fast in the mud till someone on the footpath very kindly pushed us off again. After that I thought it best to take the oars myself, and his Majesty steered under my direction. In this way we managed to get a little way past Teddington Lock by luncheon time, and having found aneyotwith no one on it we went ashore and unpacked the hamper of good things which we had brought with us.It was a beautiful day, and I think that we all enjoyed the picnic immensely. I know that I did for one, and so, I think, did his Majesty, for after the meal he laid aside his crown and royal robes and made himself comfortable on the grass under the trees, and looked thoroughly happy with a big cigar in his mouth.his majesty enjoys himselfA. Fish, Esq., busied himself in preparing notes for his lecture on the “Perhapness of the Improbable,” and the Doctor-in-Law, having piled all the cushions in the boat at one end, threw himself upon them and read the newspaper.In this way the afternoon passed very comfortably, and the Rhymester, after scribbling upon several pieces of paper, came and read to me a poem which had been inspired by our beautiful surroundings; he called itSOUL YEARNINGS.The water’s as wet as wet can be,And the trees, and the grass, are green,While the little birds sing and the fishes swim;’Tis a most delightful scene.It makes me yearn for I don’t know what,To come from I don’t know where,And take me away to the thingummybobAnd the what-you-may-call-’ems there;and he told me that beautiful scenery always affected him in that way.an unfortunate volleyIt was now time for us to be thinking about getting back, especially as I should have to do all of the rowing. So we got into the boat again, and I rowed back as far as Twickenham, where we stopped at Eel-pie Island to have some tea. While we were waiting for it to be prepared, we began a game of tennis, but were obliged to leave off, as an unfortunate volley of the Doctor-in-Law’s caught the Wallypug on the nose, and so his Majesty declined to play any more.We persuaded him to join us at cricket, though, having found some stumps and a bat and ball in an outhouse on the Island, and got on very well for some time till, at a shout of “out, leg before wicket,” the Wallypug (who had caught the ball very nicely on his shin) fell forward on to the Doctor-in-Law, crushing his hat well over his eyes, and ruffling his temper considerably.“out”In fact, I was very glad that tea was announced just then, for I feared that there was going to be a bother, and, as it was, the Doctor-in-Law kept scowling at his Majesty very fiercely.“I shall make him pay for it,” declared the little man, and, during tea, which we had at wicker tables by the river’s edge, he was busy making out an account, which later he handed with great solemnity to the Wallypug. His Majesty apparently could not understand it, and passed it on to me. On examination, I found it to be worded as follows:His Majesty the Wallypug of Why,In account withThe Doctor-in-Law.To damage of one hat,£076”Physical injury,020”Moral deterioration,1569————£22178”3 per cent. discount for cash,362————£26411————“What do you mean by moral deterioration?” demanded the Wallypug.“Oh, I don’t know. Same as other people do, I suppose,” said the Doctor-in-Law. “It’s always charged now, I believe. I read something about it in the papers this afternoon.”“But the addition is all wrong,” I expostulated.“No, it isn’t,” replied the Doctor-in-Law, rudely snatching the document from me and putting it into his pocket-book, “and if it is, it’s nothing to do with you. I shall charge it in our expenses, which the people of Why have undertaken to pay, so there.” And the avaricious little fellow ran off to the boat, which we afterwards found he had beenletting out on hire to small boys at a penny a head.The return journey was accomplished without any remarkable incidents, and on reaching home I found a very pressing invitation from Girlie’s mother for the whole party to attend her “At Home” the next day.It appears that this lady had called upon me while we were out, and Mrs. Putchy had told her of the Wallypug’s arrival.His Majesty was good enough to say that he should be delighted to accept, and so I wrote off at once to say that she might expect us.CHAPTER IVLOSTWe had a terrible fright the next morning, for the poor dear Wallypug got lost, and for some time we could not imagine what had become of him.It happened in this way: directly after breakfast his Majesty said that he should like to go for a walk and look at the shops.“I’m not going,” declared the Doctor-in-Law. “I have someveryimportant letters to write.”We all looked up in surprise, for we did not know that the Doctor-in-Law had any other acquaintances in London.“Letters from which I hope to derive a princely income,” continued the little man grandly; “and, therefore, I have no time for such foolishness as looking into shop windows.”“He’s afraid thad he bight have to sped sub buddy,” remarked A. Fish, Esq.“Nothing of the sort,” replied the Doctor-in-Law, turning very red though.“Well, don’t waste time talking about it; let’s go if we are going,” said the Rhymester; and so, as I also had some correspondence to attend to, it was arranged that the Wallypug, the Rhymester, and A. Fish, Esq., should go for a little stroll by themselves. I had some doubts in my own mind as to the advisability of letting them go alone, but they promised not to go beyond Kensington Gardens, and to wait for me there just inside the gates.After they had gone I settled down to my letter-writing, and was getting along nicely when the Doctor-in-Law interrupted me with:“I say, I wish you would let me have about twenty sheets of note-paper, will you, please?”“Twenty!” I exclaimed in surprise.“Yes, twenty,” said the Doctor-in-Law. “Or you had better make it a quire while you are about it.”I thought the quickest way to get rid of him was to give him the paper, so I got up and got it for him.“And a packet of envelopes, please,” he said, as I handed it to him.“Anything else?” I asked rather sarcastically.“Stamps!” he replied, calmly holding out his hand.“Well, really—” I expostulated.“Oh, halfpenny ones will do. You’re surely not so mean as to mind tenpence, are you?”“I don’t think I’m mean, but—”“Hand them over then, and don’t waste so much time talking,” said the little man impatiently, and so, just to get rid of him, I gave him the stamps and sat down to my letters again.I had hardly begun when he came back.“Don’t you take any other newspapers than these?” he demanded, showing me a handful.“No, I don’t, and I think it’s rather extravagant of me to have those,” I replied.“Well, then, how do you suppose that I am going to manage? I want at least five other papers, and it’smostimportant that I should have them.”“You might buy them,” I suggested.“They are so dear,” he grumbled.“Well, why don’t you go to the Public Library then?” I suggested. “You know where it is, and you could see all of the papers there, you know.”“Ah, a capital idea,” he said, putting on his hat and going out.“Now,” I thought, “I shall have peace at last.”I was not left undisturbed long though, for a few minutes later Mrs. Putchy came to the door.“Oh, please, sir, will you go down? Mr. Doctor-in-Law is having such a bother with the postman.”I hurried out, and found the little man very angry indeed.“This postman won’t give me a letter,” he cried when he saw me.“Perhaps he hasn’t one for you,” I answered.“But I saw him giving them away all down the street for nothing,” persisted the Doctor-in-Law. “And when I asked him in a civil way for one, he refused to give it to me. It’s no use for him to say he hasn’t one, when he has a whole packet in his hand now, and alot more in his bag, no doubt. Are you going to give me a letter or not?” he continued, turning to the postman.“are you going to give me a letter or not?”“No, sir,” continued the man, smiling. “I haven’t any for you.”“Very well, then,” said the Doctor-in-Law decidedly, “I shall certainly write to the Queen and tell her that if she employs you any longer I shall take all my custom away, and I shallnot send the twenty letters, that I intended writing to-day, off at all.”I endeavoured to explain to the little man that the postman could not possibly give him a letter if he had not one addressed to him.“Oh, that’s all nonsense,” he exclaimed, going off in a huff. “Of course you would take his part.”Before I could settle down to work again the Rhymester and A. Fish, Esq., returned.“Where’s the Wallypug?” I demanded.“Oh, he’s coming by the next ’bus,” said the Rhymester. “Haven’t you had any rain here?”“No,” I replied.“Oh, we had quidt a sharb shower,” said A. Fish, Esq., “ad I was afraid of gettig wet, so we stopped a ’bus—there was odly roob for two though, ad the Wallypug said thad he would cub od by the dext.”“I hope he will get home all right,” I said anxiously. “I don’t think you ought to have left his Majesty by himself.”“Oh! it’s only a little way,” said the Rhymester; “he’s sure to get home all right.”“so we stopped a ’bus”An hour passed and there was no signs ofthe Wallypug. I now began to get seriously anxious.It would, of course, be the easiest thing in the world for his Majesty to take the wrong ’bus, and be taken goodness knows where.I couldn’t think what was best to be done. The Rhymester suggested sending the Crier out, but I never remembered having seen one at Kensington, and at last, after searching for some time ourselves in Kensington Gardens, and making inquiries in High Street, and failing to glean any tidings of his Majesty, I thought it best to go to the Police Station.Here I found a very important-looking official in uniform, with a big book in front of him.“What is it?” he inquired, glaring at me fiercely.“I’ve called to know if you could assist me in finding a friend who, I fear, has lost his way,” I replied.The official did not answer me, but reached down another large book.“What’s his name?” he inquired gruffly.“His name? Oh—er—his name is—er—that is to say he is the—” I had not theleast idea what the Wallypug’s name really was, so I couldn’t very well say.“What’s his name?” shouted the official. “I’ll ask you what heispresently.”“Well, I’m very sorry, but I really do not know his name.”The man glanced at me very suspiciously.“You said he was a friend of yours—it’s a very odd thing that you don’t know his name. What is he?”“He’s a—a—Wallypug,” I stammered. “That is to say he—er—”“Wallypug!” exclaimed the man contemptuously. “What’s that?”“Why, it’s a kind of king, you know,” I explained, feeling that the explanation was rather a lame one.“Akindof king!” exclaimed the police officer. “Explain yourself.”“Well, I’m afraid I can’t explain more clearly than that,” I replied. “This gentleman has been staying with me for a couple of days, and went out this morning and lost his way.”“Where did he come from?” asked the man.“Why,” I answered.“Why? Because I want to know,” he shouted. “Don’t let me have any further prevarication. Where did the man, or Wallypug, or whatever you call him, come from?”“From Why. From a place called Why, you know,” I repeated.“Idon’tknow,” said the officer. “I’ve never heard of such a place. Where is it?”“Well, really,” I said, “I’m very sorry, but I cannot tell you. I don’t know myself.”“This isveryremarkable,” said the man, glaring at me through his glasses. “You don’t know your friend’s name; you call him a Wallypug, and can’t explain what that is, you don’t know where he comes from—perhaps you can tell me how he reached your house?”I was now really in a fix, for how could I tell this man that his Majesty had stepped out of a picture.I thought the best thing to do was to hold my tongue.“How did he come?” repeated the officer. “By train?”I shook my head.“By steamer?”I shook my head again.“Did he drive?—or come on a bicycle, or walk?”I remained silent.The police officer stared at me for a moment or two, waiting for my answer.“Look here, young man,” said he at last, evidently very angry indeed. “It strikes me that you are having a game with me. You had better go away quietly or I shall be obliged to take you in charge as a lunatic.”“But I assure you that—”“How was your friend dressed?”“Oh, he wore a somewhat battered gold crown, and carried an orb and sceptre, and was dressed in knee breeches and a velvet cloak with an ermine collar.”The man gave me a keen glance and then rang a bell. A policeman appeared a moment or two afterwards, and the officer whispered something to him, of which I only caught the words, “harmless lunatic.”“Lunatic, sir; yes, sir. Step this way, please,” said the policeman, and before I could realize what had happened I was bundled intoa small bare room, and the key was turned in the lock and I was a prisoner.Here was a pretty state of affairs. The stupid people had mistaken me for a lunatic, and I was no doubt to be locked up here till a doctor arrived.Of course the only thing for me to do was to sit still and wait as patiently as I could. Fortunately the police people thought of telegraphing to the other stations to find out if anything was known of an escaped lunatic; and from Fulham came the reply, “We have found one ourselves. He calls himself a Wallypug, and is dressed like a second-hand king.” This caused inquiries to be made, and eventually I was taken in a cab to Fulham, where we found his Majesty in the charge of the police, he having been found wandering about the Fulham Road quite unable to give what they considered a satisfactory account of himself.It was most unfortunate that his Majesty should have taken the wrong ’bus, for, not having any money with him, he was set down in a totally strange neighbourhood, and had quite forgotten my address. Of course, now thatwe had been brought face to face, we had no difficulty in convincing the police people that we were what we represented ourselves to be, and were soon, to our great relief, on our way home again.“I don’t think that I should like to be a policeman,” remarked the Wallypug, on our way there.“No?” I answered. “Why not?”“They have to catch dogs for a living?” remarked his Majesty solemnly. “There were several brought in while I was waiting, and the policeman who had caught them seemed so pleased about it.”I explained to the Wallypug as well as I was able about the muzzling order, and his Majesty was highly indignant, and when I pointed out several dogs with muzzles on he was more indignant still.“And are they always obliged to wear those horrible wire cages over their heads?” he inquired.I told his Majesty that in London the order for wearing them had been in force for some considerable time, and we had a long talk over the matter, his Majesty declaring that heshould try and invent a new muzzle which should be more comfortable for the poor dogs.unable to give an account of himself“Oh, here we are at last,” he exclaimed, as we turned the corner near my house. “And there are the others on the steps!”“Here they are! Here they are!” shouted the Rhymester to the others, and everyone rushed forward to assist his Majesty to alight, seemingly very glad to see us back again.We were quite as delighted to get back, I can tell you, and I was so relieved at having found the Wallypug that I hadn’t the heart to refuse the Doctor-in-Law’s request that I would give him ten shillings worth of penny stamps to put into the letters which he had been writing while we had been away, although he would not give me the slightest clue as to what they were wanted for.CHAPTER VAN ‘AT HOME’ AND THE ACADEMYWe were quite ready for luncheon, as you may imagine, after our morning’s adventures, and directly afterwards his Majesty set to work on the new dog’s muzzle which he had promised to invent. In about half an hour he had constructed one with which he was intensely delighted, and he persuaded A. Fish, Esq., to try it on that we might see the effect.It certainly was very simple, but as there was nothing whatever to go over the mouth, I felt sure that it could not possibly be very useful. I did not like to tell his Majesty so though, for he seemed so thoroughly proud of his achievement.It was now time to go to the ‘At Home,’ so, wishing to do honour to the occasion, our‘State Coach,’ as we called it, was sent for, and we drove off in fine style.There were a great many people invited to meet us, and I could see that there was quite a little flutter of excitement when the Wallypug entered.it certainly was very simpleHis Majesty, however, in his simple, good-natured way soon put everybody at their ease, and laughed and chattered with the utmost affability.Girlie and Boy had both been allowed to come into the drawing-room, and Girlie quite claimed the Wallypug as her own particularguest, while Boy renewed his acquaintance with the Rhymester, whom he had met before at Zum, and despite their mother’s protests they carried these two members of our party off in triumph to show them their play-room and toys and to talk over old times.While they were away the Doctor-in-Law made himself very agreeable to the ladies, and I watched him bowing and smiling and chatting, first with one group, then with another, with great amusement. I found out afterwards that he had promised several of them portraits of his Majesty and suite for 2s. 6d. each as soon as they should be taken, and in every case had asked for the money in advance; but the great event of the afternoon was when A. Fish, Esq., wrapped up in Mrs. Putchy’s pink woollen shawl, borrowed for the occasion, and surrounded by a group of young ladies, consented after much pressing to deliver part of his lecture on the “Perhapness of the Improbable.”“You bust sed for the Rhymebster though to help be to read id, for by cold is still so bad thad I can’d do id by byself,” he explained.a. fish, esq., obligesSo the Rhymester was sent for, and hisMajesty also came down to hear the wonderful lecture. It had been turned into verse by the Rhymester, who, after an affected attempt to clear his throat, read as follows:THE PERHAPNESS OF THE IMPROBABLE.Ifthiswere that, andthesewere those,Andhithernearer thither,Why,whichmight be whate’er it chose,Andtherebe any whither.Somehow ’twould be the simpler wayTodearerbe than cheaper,And that’s whywhen(each other day)Wouldhigherbe thandeeper.Soworstwould be thebestof all,Andfar more lessthan either;Whileshortwould certainly betall,And therefore thus be neither.“Beautiful! charming!” echoed all the young ladies at once when he had finished, while one lady sitting near me exclaimed, “How sweetly simple!” For my own part I thought that it was anything but simple, and caught myself trying to follow the line of argument with the most brain-confusing results.absent-mindedly spilt his teaThe Wallypug was greatly distressed when he discovered that while listening to the reading, and looking at the charming young lady with whom he had been conversing, he had absent-mindedly spilt the whole of his cup of tea over her dress.“You see, they didn’t give me a plate to put my cake on,” I heard him explain apologetically, “and itwasso awkward, for my cup would keep slipping about on the saucer.”The young lady smiled very sweetly and assured his Majesty that it didn’t matter in the least, and shortly afterwards we left, having stayed, as it was, far beyond the regulation time.When we arrived home we found a letter addressed to the Rhymester in the letter-box, which in a state of great excitement he tore open with trembling fingers.Upon reading the contents he burst into tears.“Poor man, poor man!” he sobbed. “I am so sorry to have caused him so much trouble.”“It is a letter from an Editor,” he explained through his tears, “and he is in great distressthrough not being able to publish my poem. He says he greatly regrets his inability to make use of it! Poor man, he evidently feels it very keenly. I must write and tell him not to be too unhappy about it.”I had some letters to write too, one to a photographer in Regent Street, asking for an appointment the next morning, for I was determined that the Doctor-in-Law should send the promised photographs to the young ladies without delay.The first thing in the morning came a telegram to say that we could be photographed at eleven o’clock, so, after my guests had made themselves as spruce as possible, we started off and reached there in good time.It was suggested that the Wallypug should be taken by himself, but when he saw the camera pointed directly at him while the operator disappeared beneath the black cloth, he came to the conclusion that it was too dangerous a machine to be faced with impunity, so he suddenly turned his back upon it, and nervously fled from the room.It was only by promising that the others should be taken with him that we could gethim to sit at all, and even then there was a strained and nervous expression upon his face, which suggested that he was in momentary fear that the thing would “go off.”The Rhymester insisted upon being taken with one of his poems in his hand, the Doctor-in-Law wore his usual complacent smile, and altogether the group was quite a success.As soon as the “operation,” as the Wallypug would insist upon calling it, was over, we went downstairs, his Majesty leading the way, while the Doctor-in-Law stayed behind for a moment to make some arrangements with the photographer about commission. We had intended going home by ’bus, but when we got to the door his Majesty was nowhere to be seen. What could have become of him? We looked up and down the street, but could see no signs of him anywhere; and at last, after hunting about for a considerable time, he was discovered calmly sitting inside a furniture removal van, waiting for it to start, under the impression that it was an omnibus.“I’m sure this is the right one,” he explained, “for it has ‘Kensington’ printed in large letters on it. Come along, there’s plenty of roominside; the conductor and the driver will be here presently, I suppose.”I laughingly explained to his Majesty the mistake which he had made, and we walked on as far as Piccadilly Circus, where we found a ’bus to take us to the Academy, which we intended visiting on our way home. We had not gone far though, when I suddenly remembered that the 22nd June was very close at hand, and that I had better make arrangements for seats to view the Jubilee Procession or I should be too late. So it was arranged that the Doctor-in-Law should take charge of the party while I went on to the agents to see about the seats. They would have no difficulty in getting home by themselves for the ’buses ran from just outside the Academy doors straight to Kensington, so I felt sure that they would be all right.“How much is the entrance fee to the Academy?” asked the Doctor-in-Law, as I was getting down from the ’bus.“A shilling each,” I replied, and I saw the little man collecting the money from the others as the ’bus disappeared from view.waiting for it to startI was very fortunate at the agents in beingable to secure a capital window in Piccadilly, and some Stores in the neighbourhood undertook to provide a luncheon and to suitably decorate the window for us.These arrangements being satisfactorily concluded, I hurried home, and was greatly relieved to find my guests there before me.“How did you enjoy the Academy?” I inquired.could not understand the catalogue“Not at all!” said his Majesty decidedly.“Waste of money, I call it,” said the Rhymester, sniffing contemptuously.“I was dever so disappointed id edythig id all by life!” declared A. Fish, Esq.“Besides, the catalogue was no good at all,” complained his Majesty. “We could make neither head nor tail of it.”The Doctor-in-Law was silent, and it was only by very careful inquiry that I found out that, after pocketing their money, he had taken them to an immense hoarding covered with advertisement posters, and had gammoned them into believing thatthatwas the Academy, while it was no wonder that the poor Wallypug could not understand the ‘catalogue,’ for it was nothing more nor less than an old illustrated stores price list.It was really too bad of the Doctor-in-Law.CHAPTER VITHE JUBILEEThe few days which elapsed before the memorable 22nd of June passed very quickly, and we were all more or less busy making preparations for the festival. His Majesty would insist upon polishing up his regalia himself in order to do honour to the occasion, and spent hours over his crown with a piece of chamois leather and some whitening till, though somewhat battered by the rough usage it had sustained, it shone quite brilliantly. Mrs. Putchy herself suggested making his Majesty some new red silk rosettes for his shoes, which he very graciously consented to accept. The Doctor-in-Law was always so spick and span that we scarcely noticed any change in his appearance, but the Rhymester had made arrangements withGeneral Mary Jane to wash, starch, and iron his lace collar, and he remained in his room one entire day while it was being done up. A. Fish, Esq., purchased a necktie of most brilliant colouring, and One-and-Nine touched himself up here and there with some red enamel where his tunic had become shabby in places, so that altogether our party looked very smart as we drove at a very early hour to our seats in Piccadilly. To avoid the crowd we went by way of Bayswater Road, and then passed down Park Lane and through Berkeley Square, in order to reach the back entrance to the house in Piccadilly where I had booked seats. Our gorgeous carriage was everywhere hailed with great delight, being of course mistaken for a portion of the Jubilee procession, and many were the conjectures heard on all sides as to who the Wallypug could possibly be.
for fear he should get wet
The Round Pond and the little model ships interested His Majesty most of all though, I fancy, and he spent quite a long time admiring them, until, while assisting a small boy to get his ship ashore, he had the misfortune to slip into the water himself, and had to be fished out with the assistance of a boathook.
His Majesty certainly did not look either dignified or regal as he stood on the bank saturated with water, and his royal robes clinging about him in the most woe-begone manner—and as the crowd had greatly increased, Iwas very glad to get the poor Wallypug into a cab and drive home.
his majesty has an accident
On our way there, the Rhymester, being very much afraid of getting his clothes wet, sat in the furthest corner of the cab and amused himself by writing a verse on the subject of his Majesty’s misfortune, which read somehow like this:
“King George I’ve heard is King of Greece,But since this luckless slipping,The Wallypug I do declareShould be the King ofDripping.”
I think his Majesty thought it rather unkind of the Rhymester to make fun of himin this way, but before he had time to think much about the matter, we had arrived at our destination, and to my great surprise I could see a vast crowd collected at the doors of the building in which my flat is situated.
SUNDRY SMALL HAPPENINGS
Whatever could it all mean? The Doctor-in-Law stood on the steps, calling out, “Walk up, walk up, ladies and gentlemen, and see the Talking Fish,” while large posters were pasted on the walls, bearing the words, “Admission Sixpence” and “One day only.”
The Commissionaire who usually stands at the door was looking very surprised and angry, while the page boy was grinning all over his face. Whatever was happening? I hastily paid the cabman, and followed by the Wallypug made my way through the crowd to the entrance.
“Admission sixpence each,” said the Doctor-in-Law, holding out his hand.
“walk up, walk up, ladies and gentlemen”
“What do you mean?” I replied, “and what is all this crowd doing here?”
“Admission sixpence each!” repeated the Doctor-in-Law stubbornly, not taking the least notice of my questions, and holding his wand across the doorway so that I could not get in.
“Nonsense!” I cried; “I’m not going to pay to go into my own house.”
“Pay for the Wallypug then and I’ll let you in free,” said the little man insinuatingly.
“I shall do nothing of the sort,” I cried, pushing past him and hurrying up the stairs.
To my surprise I found my rooms occupied by strangers. Sergeant One-and-Nine was reciting some of the Rhymester’s poems in the dining room to three deaf old ladies, two of whom had ear trumpets, while A. Fish, Esq., was holding a kind oflevéein my study, seated in a chair placed on the writing table, and was surrounded by an admiring crowd of people who were asking all sorts of questions.
Mrs. Putchy met me at the door.
“Oh, sir!” she exclaimed. “I’m so glad you’ve come home. I haven’t known what to do with all these people.”
“But what does it all mean, Putchy?” Iinquired. “What are they doing here at all?”
“Why, you see, sir!” said Mrs. Putchy, “Mr. Doctor-in-Law found that A. Fish, Esq., was attracting a good deal of attention out of doors, and he thought that it would be a capital idea to have a kind of show here and charge sixpence admission to see him; and if there’s been one, I’m sure there’s been a hundred people up here this afternoon. The remarks they’ve been making too, and the questions they’ve been asking. Why, one old lady, sir, wanted to know how much you paid A. Fish, Esq., a week, and if I wasquitesure that you gave him enough to eat. They’ve broken three chairs too, and that little Venetian glass vase that stood on the bracket in the corner. And just now I caught some little boys tearing pictures out of one of those illustrated books you brought home last week.”
Here was a pretty state of affairs. The strangers had by this time left A. Fish, Esq., and had collected around the poor Wallypug, who had been waiting in his wet clothing in the hall, and I was obliged to politely but firmly insist upon them at once leaving thehouse, telling them that their money would be returned at the door.
“I should think so, indeed,” said one angry-looking stout lady. “Why, the whole thing is a fraud and you ought to be thoroughly ashamed of yourself. Talking fish indeed! I don’t believe he’s a fish at all—at any rate, not what I call a ‘fish,’” and she flounced down the stairs only to return a moment or two afterwards to say, “I thought you said that we were to have our money back.”
“So you are, madam,” I replied.
“Well, why don’t you see that we get it then? That man downstairs refuses to give me any money. The whole thing is a swindle. But I don’t mean to be defrauded in this way, I can tell you.”
I went downstairs and told the Doctor-in-Law that he must at once return everyone their money, and this after a great deal of grumbling he did, while the Commissionaire and the page boy tore down the posters outside the door at my request.
I explained to the Doctor-in-Law that this sort of thing must not occur again, and made him promise that he would never again usemy rooms as a place in which to hold a show.
I really felt rather annoyed about it, for I could not imagine whatever the neighbours would think of me for permitting such a scene to take place in my rooms, but it evidently was useless now to say anything more about it.
The next morning, despite the wetting which the Wallypug had received at the Round Pond, his thoughts still ran upon boating, and nothing would satisfy his Majesty but that he should go for a row. I suggested Richmond as the best place to start from, and so we drove over Hammersmith Bridge and across Barnes Common.
Arrived at Richmond we had no difficulty in securing a nice boat.
“I’ll row for one,” said his Majesty.
“And I for another,” said the Rhymester.
“Very well then,” I replied. “Perhaps the Doctor-in-Law will steer, and so we will manage very nicely.”
Quite a large crowd had collected to see us start, and perhaps that is what made the Wallypug so nervous; as it was, as soon aswe pushed off, his Majesty fell backwards with his feet sticking up above the seat, while the Rhymester stuck one oar deep down into the water and pulled it with all his might, while the other flourished about in the air.
his majesty fell backwards
The Doctor-in-Law’s idea of steering consisted in pulling first one string and then the other, and so we did not get along very well just at first.
When the Wallypug had picked himself up from the bottom of the boat, however, and the Rhymester and he made another attempt, I think we should have got along fairly well if the Doctor-in-Law, in trying to get out of the way of a passing boat, had not steered us into the bank, where we stuck fast in the mud till someone on the footpath very kindly pushed us off again. After that I thought it best to take the oars myself, and his Majesty steered under my direction. In this way we managed to get a little way past Teddington Lock by luncheon time, and having found aneyotwith no one on it we went ashore and unpacked the hamper of good things which we had brought with us.
It was a beautiful day, and I think that we all enjoyed the picnic immensely. I know that I did for one, and so, I think, did his Majesty, for after the meal he laid aside his crown and royal robes and made himself comfortable on the grass under the trees, and looked thoroughly happy with a big cigar in his mouth.
his majesty enjoys himself
A. Fish, Esq., busied himself in preparing notes for his lecture on the “Perhapness of the Improbable,” and the Doctor-in-Law, having piled all the cushions in the boat at one end, threw himself upon them and read the newspaper.
In this way the afternoon passed very comfortably, and the Rhymester, after scribbling upon several pieces of paper, came and read to me a poem which had been inspired by our beautiful surroundings; he called it
SOUL YEARNINGS.
The water’s as wet as wet can be,And the trees, and the grass, are green,While the little birds sing and the fishes swim;’Tis a most delightful scene.
It makes me yearn for I don’t know what,To come from I don’t know where,And take me away to the thingummybobAnd the what-you-may-call-’ems there;
and he told me that beautiful scenery always affected him in that way.
an unfortunate volley
It was now time for us to be thinking about getting back, especially as I should have to do all of the rowing. So we got into the boat again, and I rowed back as far as Twickenham, where we stopped at Eel-pie Island to have some tea. While we were waiting for it to be prepared, we began a game of tennis, but were obliged to leave off, as an unfortunate volley of the Doctor-in-Law’s caught the Wallypug on the nose, and so his Majesty declined to play any more.
We persuaded him to join us at cricket, though, having found some stumps and a bat and ball in an outhouse on the Island, and got on very well for some time till, at a shout of “out, leg before wicket,” the Wallypug (who had caught the ball very nicely on his shin) fell forward on to the Doctor-in-Law, crushing his hat well over his eyes, and ruffling his temper considerably.
“out”
In fact, I was very glad that tea was announced just then, for I feared that there was going to be a bother, and, as it was, the Doctor-in-Law kept scowling at his Majesty very fiercely.
“I shall make him pay for it,” declared the little man, and, during tea, which we had at wicker tables by the river’s edge, he was busy making out an account, which later he handed with great solemnity to the Wallypug. His Majesty apparently could not understand it, and passed it on to me. On examination, I found it to be worded as follows:
His Majesty the Wallypug of Why,In account withThe Doctor-in-Law.
To damage of one hat,£076”Physical injury,020”Moral deterioration,1569————£22178”3 per cent. discount for cash,362————£26411————
“What do you mean by moral deterioration?” demanded the Wallypug.
“Oh, I don’t know. Same as other people do, I suppose,” said the Doctor-in-Law. “It’s always charged now, I believe. I read something about it in the papers this afternoon.”
“But the addition is all wrong,” I expostulated.
“No, it isn’t,” replied the Doctor-in-Law, rudely snatching the document from me and putting it into his pocket-book, “and if it is, it’s nothing to do with you. I shall charge it in our expenses, which the people of Why have undertaken to pay, so there.” And the avaricious little fellow ran off to the boat, which we afterwards found he had beenletting out on hire to small boys at a penny a head.
The return journey was accomplished without any remarkable incidents, and on reaching home I found a very pressing invitation from Girlie’s mother for the whole party to attend her “At Home” the next day.
It appears that this lady had called upon me while we were out, and Mrs. Putchy had told her of the Wallypug’s arrival.
His Majesty was good enough to say that he should be delighted to accept, and so I wrote off at once to say that she might expect us.
LOST
We had a terrible fright the next morning, for the poor dear Wallypug got lost, and for some time we could not imagine what had become of him.
It happened in this way: directly after breakfast his Majesty said that he should like to go for a walk and look at the shops.
“I’m not going,” declared the Doctor-in-Law. “I have someveryimportant letters to write.”
We all looked up in surprise, for we did not know that the Doctor-in-Law had any other acquaintances in London.
“Letters from which I hope to derive a princely income,” continued the little man grandly; “and, therefore, I have no time for such foolishness as looking into shop windows.”
“He’s afraid thad he bight have to sped sub buddy,” remarked A. Fish, Esq.
“Nothing of the sort,” replied the Doctor-in-Law, turning very red though.
“Well, don’t waste time talking about it; let’s go if we are going,” said the Rhymester; and so, as I also had some correspondence to attend to, it was arranged that the Wallypug, the Rhymester, and A. Fish, Esq., should go for a little stroll by themselves. I had some doubts in my own mind as to the advisability of letting them go alone, but they promised not to go beyond Kensington Gardens, and to wait for me there just inside the gates.
After they had gone I settled down to my letter-writing, and was getting along nicely when the Doctor-in-Law interrupted me with:
“I say, I wish you would let me have about twenty sheets of note-paper, will you, please?”
“Twenty!” I exclaimed in surprise.
“Yes, twenty,” said the Doctor-in-Law. “Or you had better make it a quire while you are about it.”
I thought the quickest way to get rid of him was to give him the paper, so I got up and got it for him.
“And a packet of envelopes, please,” he said, as I handed it to him.
“Anything else?” I asked rather sarcastically.
“Stamps!” he replied, calmly holding out his hand.
“Well, really—” I expostulated.
“Oh, halfpenny ones will do. You’re surely not so mean as to mind tenpence, are you?”
“I don’t think I’m mean, but—”
“Hand them over then, and don’t waste so much time talking,” said the little man impatiently, and so, just to get rid of him, I gave him the stamps and sat down to my letters again.
I had hardly begun when he came back.
“Don’t you take any other newspapers than these?” he demanded, showing me a handful.
“No, I don’t, and I think it’s rather extravagant of me to have those,” I replied.
“Well, then, how do you suppose that I am going to manage? I want at least five other papers, and it’smostimportant that I should have them.”
“You might buy them,” I suggested.
“They are so dear,” he grumbled.
“Well, why don’t you go to the Public Library then?” I suggested. “You know where it is, and you could see all of the papers there, you know.”
“Ah, a capital idea,” he said, putting on his hat and going out.
“Now,” I thought, “I shall have peace at last.”
I was not left undisturbed long though, for a few minutes later Mrs. Putchy came to the door.
“Oh, please, sir, will you go down? Mr. Doctor-in-Law is having such a bother with the postman.”
I hurried out, and found the little man very angry indeed.
“This postman won’t give me a letter,” he cried when he saw me.
“Perhaps he hasn’t one for you,” I answered.
“But I saw him giving them away all down the street for nothing,” persisted the Doctor-in-Law. “And when I asked him in a civil way for one, he refused to give it to me. It’s no use for him to say he hasn’t one, when he has a whole packet in his hand now, and alot more in his bag, no doubt. Are you going to give me a letter or not?” he continued, turning to the postman.
“are you going to give me a letter or not?”
“No, sir,” continued the man, smiling. “I haven’t any for you.”
“Very well, then,” said the Doctor-in-Law decidedly, “I shall certainly write to the Queen and tell her that if she employs you any longer I shall take all my custom away, and I shallnot send the twenty letters, that I intended writing to-day, off at all.”
I endeavoured to explain to the little man that the postman could not possibly give him a letter if he had not one addressed to him.
“Oh, that’s all nonsense,” he exclaimed, going off in a huff. “Of course you would take his part.”
Before I could settle down to work again the Rhymester and A. Fish, Esq., returned.
“Where’s the Wallypug?” I demanded.
“Oh, he’s coming by the next ’bus,” said the Rhymester. “Haven’t you had any rain here?”
“No,” I replied.
“Oh, we had quidt a sharb shower,” said A. Fish, Esq., “ad I was afraid of gettig wet, so we stopped a ’bus—there was odly roob for two though, ad the Wallypug said thad he would cub od by the dext.”
“I hope he will get home all right,” I said anxiously. “I don’t think you ought to have left his Majesty by himself.”
“Oh! it’s only a little way,” said the Rhymester; “he’s sure to get home all right.”
“so we stopped a ’bus”
An hour passed and there was no signs ofthe Wallypug. I now began to get seriously anxious.
It would, of course, be the easiest thing in the world for his Majesty to take the wrong ’bus, and be taken goodness knows where.
I couldn’t think what was best to be done. The Rhymester suggested sending the Crier out, but I never remembered having seen one at Kensington, and at last, after searching for some time ourselves in Kensington Gardens, and making inquiries in High Street, and failing to glean any tidings of his Majesty, I thought it best to go to the Police Station.
Here I found a very important-looking official in uniform, with a big book in front of him.
“What is it?” he inquired, glaring at me fiercely.
“I’ve called to know if you could assist me in finding a friend who, I fear, has lost his way,” I replied.
The official did not answer me, but reached down another large book.
“What’s his name?” he inquired gruffly.
“His name? Oh—er—his name is—er—that is to say he is the—” I had not theleast idea what the Wallypug’s name really was, so I couldn’t very well say.
“What’s his name?” shouted the official. “I’ll ask you what heispresently.”
“Well, I’m very sorry, but I really do not know his name.”
The man glanced at me very suspiciously.
“You said he was a friend of yours—it’s a very odd thing that you don’t know his name. What is he?”
“He’s a—a—Wallypug,” I stammered. “That is to say he—er—”
“Wallypug!” exclaimed the man contemptuously. “What’s that?”
“Why, it’s a kind of king, you know,” I explained, feeling that the explanation was rather a lame one.
“Akindof king!” exclaimed the police officer. “Explain yourself.”
“Well, I’m afraid I can’t explain more clearly than that,” I replied. “This gentleman has been staying with me for a couple of days, and went out this morning and lost his way.”
“Where did he come from?” asked the man.
“Why,” I answered.
“Why? Because I want to know,” he shouted. “Don’t let me have any further prevarication. Where did the man, or Wallypug, or whatever you call him, come from?”
“From Why. From a place called Why, you know,” I repeated.
“Idon’tknow,” said the officer. “I’ve never heard of such a place. Where is it?”
“Well, really,” I said, “I’m very sorry, but I cannot tell you. I don’t know myself.”
“This isveryremarkable,” said the man, glaring at me through his glasses. “You don’t know your friend’s name; you call him a Wallypug, and can’t explain what that is, you don’t know where he comes from—perhaps you can tell me how he reached your house?”
I was now really in a fix, for how could I tell this man that his Majesty had stepped out of a picture.
I thought the best thing to do was to hold my tongue.
“How did he come?” repeated the officer. “By train?”
I shook my head.
“By steamer?”
I shook my head again.
“Did he drive?—or come on a bicycle, or walk?”
I remained silent.
The police officer stared at me for a moment or two, waiting for my answer.
“Look here, young man,” said he at last, evidently very angry indeed. “It strikes me that you are having a game with me. You had better go away quietly or I shall be obliged to take you in charge as a lunatic.”
“But I assure you that—”
“How was your friend dressed?”
“Oh, he wore a somewhat battered gold crown, and carried an orb and sceptre, and was dressed in knee breeches and a velvet cloak with an ermine collar.”
The man gave me a keen glance and then rang a bell. A policeman appeared a moment or two afterwards, and the officer whispered something to him, of which I only caught the words, “harmless lunatic.”
“Lunatic, sir; yes, sir. Step this way, please,” said the policeman, and before I could realize what had happened I was bundled intoa small bare room, and the key was turned in the lock and I was a prisoner.
Here was a pretty state of affairs. The stupid people had mistaken me for a lunatic, and I was no doubt to be locked up here till a doctor arrived.
Of course the only thing for me to do was to sit still and wait as patiently as I could. Fortunately the police people thought of telegraphing to the other stations to find out if anything was known of an escaped lunatic; and from Fulham came the reply, “We have found one ourselves. He calls himself a Wallypug, and is dressed like a second-hand king.” This caused inquiries to be made, and eventually I was taken in a cab to Fulham, where we found his Majesty in the charge of the police, he having been found wandering about the Fulham Road quite unable to give what they considered a satisfactory account of himself.
It was most unfortunate that his Majesty should have taken the wrong ’bus, for, not having any money with him, he was set down in a totally strange neighbourhood, and had quite forgotten my address. Of course, now thatwe had been brought face to face, we had no difficulty in convincing the police people that we were what we represented ourselves to be, and were soon, to our great relief, on our way home again.
“I don’t think that I should like to be a policeman,” remarked the Wallypug, on our way there.
“No?” I answered. “Why not?”
“They have to catch dogs for a living?” remarked his Majesty solemnly. “There were several brought in while I was waiting, and the policeman who had caught them seemed so pleased about it.”
I explained to the Wallypug as well as I was able about the muzzling order, and his Majesty was highly indignant, and when I pointed out several dogs with muzzles on he was more indignant still.
“And are they always obliged to wear those horrible wire cages over their heads?” he inquired.
I told his Majesty that in London the order for wearing them had been in force for some considerable time, and we had a long talk over the matter, his Majesty declaring that heshould try and invent a new muzzle which should be more comfortable for the poor dogs.
unable to give an account of himself
“Oh, here we are at last,” he exclaimed, as we turned the corner near my house. “And there are the others on the steps!”
“Here they are! Here they are!” shouted the Rhymester to the others, and everyone rushed forward to assist his Majesty to alight, seemingly very glad to see us back again.
We were quite as delighted to get back, I can tell you, and I was so relieved at having found the Wallypug that I hadn’t the heart to refuse the Doctor-in-Law’s request that I would give him ten shillings worth of penny stamps to put into the letters which he had been writing while we had been away, although he would not give me the slightest clue as to what they were wanted for.
AN ‘AT HOME’ AND THE ACADEMY
We were quite ready for luncheon, as you may imagine, after our morning’s adventures, and directly afterwards his Majesty set to work on the new dog’s muzzle which he had promised to invent. In about half an hour he had constructed one with which he was intensely delighted, and he persuaded A. Fish, Esq., to try it on that we might see the effect.
It certainly was very simple, but as there was nothing whatever to go over the mouth, I felt sure that it could not possibly be very useful. I did not like to tell his Majesty so though, for he seemed so thoroughly proud of his achievement.
It was now time to go to the ‘At Home,’ so, wishing to do honour to the occasion, our‘State Coach,’ as we called it, was sent for, and we drove off in fine style.
There were a great many people invited to meet us, and I could see that there was quite a little flutter of excitement when the Wallypug entered.
it certainly was very simple
His Majesty, however, in his simple, good-natured way soon put everybody at their ease, and laughed and chattered with the utmost affability.
Girlie and Boy had both been allowed to come into the drawing-room, and Girlie quite claimed the Wallypug as her own particularguest, while Boy renewed his acquaintance with the Rhymester, whom he had met before at Zum, and despite their mother’s protests they carried these two members of our party off in triumph to show them their play-room and toys and to talk over old times.
While they were away the Doctor-in-Law made himself very agreeable to the ladies, and I watched him bowing and smiling and chatting, first with one group, then with another, with great amusement. I found out afterwards that he had promised several of them portraits of his Majesty and suite for 2s. 6d. each as soon as they should be taken, and in every case had asked for the money in advance; but the great event of the afternoon was when A. Fish, Esq., wrapped up in Mrs. Putchy’s pink woollen shawl, borrowed for the occasion, and surrounded by a group of young ladies, consented after much pressing to deliver part of his lecture on the “Perhapness of the Improbable.”
“You bust sed for the Rhymebster though to help be to read id, for by cold is still so bad thad I can’d do id by byself,” he explained.
a. fish, esq., obliges
So the Rhymester was sent for, and hisMajesty also came down to hear the wonderful lecture. It had been turned into verse by the Rhymester, who, after an affected attempt to clear his throat, read as follows:
THE PERHAPNESS OF THE IMPROBABLE.
Ifthiswere that, andthesewere those,Andhithernearer thither,Why,whichmight be whate’er it chose,Andtherebe any whither.
Somehow ’twould be the simpler wayTodearerbe than cheaper,And that’s whywhen(each other day)Wouldhigherbe thandeeper.
Soworstwould be thebestof all,Andfar more lessthan either;Whileshortwould certainly betall,And therefore thus be neither.
“Beautiful! charming!” echoed all the young ladies at once when he had finished, while one lady sitting near me exclaimed, “How sweetly simple!” For my own part I thought that it was anything but simple, and caught myself trying to follow the line of argument with the most brain-confusing results.
absent-mindedly spilt his tea
The Wallypug was greatly distressed when he discovered that while listening to the reading, and looking at the charming young lady with whom he had been conversing, he had absent-mindedly spilt the whole of his cup of tea over her dress.
“You see, they didn’t give me a plate to put my cake on,” I heard him explain apologetically, “and itwasso awkward, for my cup would keep slipping about on the saucer.”
The young lady smiled very sweetly and assured his Majesty that it didn’t matter in the least, and shortly afterwards we left, having stayed, as it was, far beyond the regulation time.
When we arrived home we found a letter addressed to the Rhymester in the letter-box, which in a state of great excitement he tore open with trembling fingers.
Upon reading the contents he burst into tears.
“Poor man, poor man!” he sobbed. “I am so sorry to have caused him so much trouble.”
“It is a letter from an Editor,” he explained through his tears, “and he is in great distressthrough not being able to publish my poem. He says he greatly regrets his inability to make use of it! Poor man, he evidently feels it very keenly. I must write and tell him not to be too unhappy about it.”
I had some letters to write too, one to a photographer in Regent Street, asking for an appointment the next morning, for I was determined that the Doctor-in-Law should send the promised photographs to the young ladies without delay.
The first thing in the morning came a telegram to say that we could be photographed at eleven o’clock, so, after my guests had made themselves as spruce as possible, we started off and reached there in good time.
It was suggested that the Wallypug should be taken by himself, but when he saw the camera pointed directly at him while the operator disappeared beneath the black cloth, he came to the conclusion that it was too dangerous a machine to be faced with impunity, so he suddenly turned his back upon it, and nervously fled from the room.
It was only by promising that the others should be taken with him that we could gethim to sit at all, and even then there was a strained and nervous expression upon his face, which suggested that he was in momentary fear that the thing would “go off.”
The Rhymester insisted upon being taken with one of his poems in his hand, the Doctor-in-Law wore his usual complacent smile, and altogether the group was quite a success.
As soon as the “operation,” as the Wallypug would insist upon calling it, was over, we went downstairs, his Majesty leading the way, while the Doctor-in-Law stayed behind for a moment to make some arrangements with the photographer about commission. We had intended going home by ’bus, but when we got to the door his Majesty was nowhere to be seen. What could have become of him? We looked up and down the street, but could see no signs of him anywhere; and at last, after hunting about for a considerable time, he was discovered calmly sitting inside a furniture removal van, waiting for it to start, under the impression that it was an omnibus.
“I’m sure this is the right one,” he explained, “for it has ‘Kensington’ printed in large letters on it. Come along, there’s plenty of roominside; the conductor and the driver will be here presently, I suppose.”
I laughingly explained to his Majesty the mistake which he had made, and we walked on as far as Piccadilly Circus, where we found a ’bus to take us to the Academy, which we intended visiting on our way home. We had not gone far though, when I suddenly remembered that the 22nd June was very close at hand, and that I had better make arrangements for seats to view the Jubilee Procession or I should be too late. So it was arranged that the Doctor-in-Law should take charge of the party while I went on to the agents to see about the seats. They would have no difficulty in getting home by themselves for the ’buses ran from just outside the Academy doors straight to Kensington, so I felt sure that they would be all right.
“How much is the entrance fee to the Academy?” asked the Doctor-in-Law, as I was getting down from the ’bus.
“A shilling each,” I replied, and I saw the little man collecting the money from the others as the ’bus disappeared from view.
waiting for it to start
I was very fortunate at the agents in beingable to secure a capital window in Piccadilly, and some Stores in the neighbourhood undertook to provide a luncheon and to suitably decorate the window for us.
These arrangements being satisfactorily concluded, I hurried home, and was greatly relieved to find my guests there before me.
“How did you enjoy the Academy?” I inquired.
could not understand the catalogue
“Not at all!” said his Majesty decidedly.
“Waste of money, I call it,” said the Rhymester, sniffing contemptuously.
“I was dever so disappointed id edythig id all by life!” declared A. Fish, Esq.
“Besides, the catalogue was no good at all,” complained his Majesty. “We could make neither head nor tail of it.”
The Doctor-in-Law was silent, and it was only by very careful inquiry that I found out that, after pocketing their money, he had taken them to an immense hoarding covered with advertisement posters, and had gammoned them into believing thatthatwas the Academy, while it was no wonder that the poor Wallypug could not understand the ‘catalogue,’ for it was nothing more nor less than an old illustrated stores price list.
It was really too bad of the Doctor-in-Law.
THE JUBILEE
The few days which elapsed before the memorable 22nd of June passed very quickly, and we were all more or less busy making preparations for the festival. His Majesty would insist upon polishing up his regalia himself in order to do honour to the occasion, and spent hours over his crown with a piece of chamois leather and some whitening till, though somewhat battered by the rough usage it had sustained, it shone quite brilliantly. Mrs. Putchy herself suggested making his Majesty some new red silk rosettes for his shoes, which he very graciously consented to accept. The Doctor-in-Law was always so spick and span that we scarcely noticed any change in his appearance, but the Rhymester had made arrangements withGeneral Mary Jane to wash, starch, and iron his lace collar, and he remained in his room one entire day while it was being done up. A. Fish, Esq., purchased a necktie of most brilliant colouring, and One-and-Nine touched himself up here and there with some red enamel where his tunic had become shabby in places, so that altogether our party looked very smart as we drove at a very early hour to our seats in Piccadilly. To avoid the crowd we went by way of Bayswater Road, and then passed down Park Lane and through Berkeley Square, in order to reach the back entrance to the house in Piccadilly where I had booked seats. Our gorgeous carriage was everywhere hailed with great delight, being of course mistaken for a portion of the Jubilee procession, and many were the conjectures heard on all sides as to who the Wallypug could possibly be.