New York
I have seen her, by some miracle of coincident, or by a destiny which never seems to leave me. It is midnight, and I have been sitting here, my head in my hands, my brain galloping, going over and over every word, every look. I have seen her, talked to her, held her in my arms! What is the trick destiny has played on me? What is my mood to-night? Exaltation, or the sense of having bound myself irrevocably to tragedy? At one moment the wildest hopes surge up in me: I live in fantastic daydreams with a belief in some miraculous, healing Providence. At the next I am dropped into bottomless despair, and I see no end but unfulfilled longing and the emptiness of denial. And so, what I have longed for, to see her once again, has come, and I don’t know which is the stronger,—the joy of hoping or the pain of certainty.
All day long I had sought her, aimlessly, without a plan, weary of spirit, without a hope, but with a prayer on my lips, as even men of no faith pray in a last hope, when all other means have failed them. Towards evening the thought came to me to seek her in the calm of vaulted spaces, and I went into the Cathedral, and, from there, into the Church of the Dominican Fathers. Then the inspiration came to me that if she were anywhere it would be in the little French Church of the Franciscans. No sooner had this idea come to me than a strange sense of certainty possessed me. I went there, absolutely convinced that I would find her.
Yet, at my entrance, as I stood with incredulous, blinded eyes, peering into the hollow obscurity, my heart sank. And then I saw her!
How I knew that the kneeling figure by the little altar of the Virgin was Bernoline, I do not know, but I knew. My heart seemed to stop. I leaned against a pillar and waited. The great vaulted supports rose up and closed above me somewhere in the night. Far off I heard a slipping step. Through the church a dozen tiny lights burned silently. At her altar the Mother of Sorrows looked down out of the shadow of the ages. She was on her knees, the mellow points of the votive candles lighting her uplifted face in a glow of serene radiance. So I saw her again, as I had imagined her a hundred times, when I knew she returned to me in her prayers.
There are pictures which remain in memory’s galleries. This will never fade.
*****
Something of my presence she must have felt, for all at once her hand was arrested in mid-air, and she turned and met my look. Instantly I came forward and knelt at her side. I saw her lips open and over her face the wonder of a living miracle. I know now that my name was on her lips at that very moment, and that in her simple faith she saw the answer. Her great dark eyes met mine. I saw her breast rise. Her pale slender hand went to her throat, and in that first unwavering look I knew at last how I was loved.
“Bernoline, it is God’s will.”
“It is you. I prayed that I might see you once again.”
She laid her hand on mine, bidding me wait, and went off into the stony vastness. Presently I heard the step I knew from all others returning. A pervading sense of happiness such as I had never known filled my whole being at the knowledge that she was drawing near, that she whom I loved was coming back to me. When I raised my eyes she was at my side, tenderness and pride in herface, and in her hand a thin white taper. She knelt again.
“Mother, I thank thee,” she said.
She rose and, lighting the wick at the wavering crown of tiered tapers, placed it so that it dominated all the rest.
“Your light,mon ami,—above the crowd, always; strong, proud and true.”
Then kneeling, she made the sign of the cross, and as a smile of thankfulness touched her lips, I knew that she prayed for me.
I forgot all the complex world of realities: actions and reactions of our mortal nature; doubts, questionings, logic and tradition. There, in the silence and the shadows, purity at my side, mystery above me, my spirit took wings with the faith that was hers. I do not think that I uttered a prayer, yet it was a prayer, for at that moment I believed as a child believes.
When she touched my arm I rose and followed her. At the end of the aisle, a mutual impulse made us turn. The candle, my candle, shone out bravely above the rest.
“You will remember?”
“Always.”
*****
When we emerged into the strange, jarring world, the healing dusk was stealing over the hard outlines. For a moment we walked silently, our hearts too full, unable to speak to each other.
“To-morrow I sail for France.”
“To-morrow?” she cried, with a little catch in her voice.
“You will walk a little way with me? A last time?”
“How could I help it,mon ami?”
She looked at me and smiled her sad little smile, and I saw in her eyes the weariness of the struggling against the call of her heart. A great hope came to me.
“I thought you would wait for America,” she said, and now her eyes no longer avoided mine but seemed never to leave my face.
“I’m going back to the Legion and, of course, the moment we go in, and that can’t be long, I shall be transferred.”
“You are well?”
“Entirely.”
What did it matter what we said? I think neither of us really knew. I saw only the light that shone in her eyes, and in the joy of being together neither the past nor the future nor the things about us existed. I took her arm and slowed my pace to the meditative step I knew so well, and together, heads bowed and still too happily oppressed by all we had to say to each other, we went silently towards the Park, each content with the knowledge of the other’s presence. It was the hour when the city, like another Cinderella, steps out of the drab and homespun of the day into the beaded fairy raiment of the twilight; when through the hard and hazy battlements something soft and gentle tempers the air; when the clamor of strident sounds lingers faintly in the drowsy distance and polyglot ugliness masks itself behind half-shadows and fleeting forms.
“Ah, Davy, I did want to see you again,” she said, without subterfuge, in the honesty of her nature, as only her nature could be honest. “I wanted to see you strong—yourself. I wanted to know that I had not brought you weakness and sorrow.Mon ami, tell me that it is so.”
We had wandered into the Park, through obscure winding paths, the argus-eyed city receding against the darkling sky, the lake at our feet, and only an occasional passer-by hurrying on his way. At the bridge we stopped, leaning over, shoulder to shoulder, each of us under thespell of the silence which visited us, and afraid of the test that words would bring.
“I cannot tell you anything that is not true,—even for your sake,” I said at last.
“No, David.”
“But first, you. How has it gone with you? It has been hard, Bernoline?”
“No, no.”
“That is the truth?”
“Yes,mon ami. It has not been hard. I have found great kindness. I am companion in the family of a true gentlewoman.”
“Bernoline, I cannot bear to think of you—”
“Hush; it is so little when you think of what has come to other women.”
“Bernoline, you do not know how I have fought to keep my promise. I’ve gone by St. Rosa’s Convent a dozen times, and twice I wrote you letters,—only to tear them up.”
“But you won out,mon ami. I knew you would.”
“Yes, but there is no happiness in it.”
“Must I always hurt you, Davy?” she said sadly, “I who only long to protect you? Dear friend, all I have done—believe me, though you cannot understand it—has been done for you.”
“Yes, Bernoline.”
I felt that the moment had come when the happiness of my whole life was there in my hands to fight for. We were no longer man and woman, but two atoms in the wavering sea of multitudes,—atoms gravitating towards each other, cleaving together despite opposition and circumstance, despite all the forces of society that laboriously and fruitlessly lay their inhibitions against the great sweeping instincts of race.
“Night and day, David, I have had you in my prayers.I have prayed that our meeting—our knowing each other—would leave no wound in you. Ah,mon ami, if I do this strange thing, to be here alone with you, it is because I must know that I am not to carry that remorse through all my life.” She stopped, as though dreading what she might be led to say, and then, staring down at the stars that swam in the dark waters below us, she added slowly: “I shall never be sure—never—until I know that you are in your own home, married and happy.”
Then I broke out.
“Bernoline, are you quite honest with yourself?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that is not the true reason. Bernoline, if you are here, to-night, alone at my side, it is because you cannot help it—because you love me. Oh, why hide from ourselves what is?”
“No, no! Don’t say that!”
“Bernoline, Bernoline, why deny it?” I cried, bending over her. “You don’t deceive me; you don’t deceive yourself! What stands between us? What can stand? What do we care? What else counts but this thing we feel, here, now, at this very moment! We know. You know, as I know. Happiness, Bernoline? Do you think in the whole world there is any happiness for me away from you—from the longing for you, day and night! Bernoline, I tell you, you have never been an hour away from me. I have had you before my eyes; I have talked with you; lived over a thousand times each moment spent with you. Bernoline, turn to me, look at me, tell me—”
Do I know what I said, there in the deep pool of the night! It is not words, but accents, that we hear at such times. I don’t know that she heard me any more than I can remember the torrent of pleading that surgedto my lips, but I know that she, too, felt the snapping of cords, the longing of my arms to reach out and draw her up to me, the wild triumphant force beating down all our little struggling, closing about us and confounding us in one impulse, one desire, for, all at once, she swayed from me and began to tremble, crying: “Don’t touch me, David. I can’t stand it—don’t!”
“But why, in heaven’s name, why?” Her voice stirred all my compassion, but the thought that I was fighting for my happiness, her happiness, was stronger. I came closer. “Bernoline, what is it? Pride? Is that all? Do you think I care who you are, what you are, what was your family, or anything else? You are you. And now, listen to me, Bernoline. To-morrow, I go back. Marry me to-night; be my wife. Let me take that with me in my heart!”
“If I could, if I only could!” she burst out suddenly.
“You can, you will,” I said, with a sudden sense of triumphant victory, pitiless, as in love we are driven to show no mercy. “Bernoline, whatever it is, I have the right to share it. Yes, the right. Nothing else matters but you in my life. Do you understand? You are life!”
She turned to me, struggling against herself, her hands clasped, and again the terror in her eyes.
“I can’t. I can’t.”
“But why,why?”
Suddenly, like a flash, I remembered the first instinctive question of Anne’s. My heart contracted so sharply that for a moment I could not voice the terrible doubt.
“Bernoline—is there—any one else—who has a right?”
She stood, staring at me. Twice her lips moved, parted, trembled, and refused to utter the answer. Her hands gripped the coping, and I saw her arms stiffen.
“Bernoline, you are—married!” I said, in a whisper. “Is it that?”
Still she did not answer.
“Bernoline, for God’s sake, say it is not that.”
“Yes, yes—it is—that!”
I should not have known her voice.
“Good God! Why didn’t you tell me before?”
I was stunned; yet it seemed as though I had always known—that it could have been nothing else. The world went black before me.
“He is alive?” I said, at last.
“Yes.”
“You must go back to him, some day?”
“Never.”
“Ah, Bernoline, why—why didn’t you tell me?”
She waited a moment.
“It is not my secret alone. It is terrible that I cannot tell you any more than that. Yes, yes, I have done wrong: I have been weak. But don’t you reproach me, David; that would break my heart!”
“Oh, no, I don’t reproach you!” I blurted out. “I don’t know your reasons. I know if you’ve done what you’ve done, there is a reason, and—it will always be right. Never, dear, could I have any other feeling towards you but of reverence for the loveliest and purest thing I have known.”
“You can still think so, David?” she cried with a little sob.
“Always. Nothing that you or I can do will ever change that—and nothing that has gone before.”
She looked up at me so swiftly, with her sad, sweet smile, that before I knew it she was in my arms, trembling against my heart, her head buried against my shoulder. I knew nothing more, what I did or said, only this: that we were united—that this soft, gentle body in myarms was the woman who, whatever intervened, loved me now and irrevocably.
“Ah, mon bien aimé—ayez de la force pour moi—je n’en peux plus—non—non—je n’en peux plus!”
But even as she cried to me to be strong for her, she clung to me, her arms strained about me, and her body collapsed in my grip.
“Bernoline, look into my eyes, dear!”
She raised her head, her eyes met mine, all struggling at an end. Another moment, and our impending lips would have closed in the first kiss. Yet, by some inexplicable miracle, it was I who was the stronger. For what I saw in her dear eyes was so innocent and so full of trust that I could not tarnish the ideal. My arms loosed and slowly I put her from me.
She caught her breath, and her hands went to my shoulders.
“Yes, you are as I knew you were,” she said proudly. “Never shall I forget,David mon ami, mon ami adoré.”
“Thank God!” I said, drawing a deep breath.
“And now, believe me, a last time—if I could—if I only had the right to say what you want to hear, how gladly my heart would go to you! But David, I can say this: in all my life, I have never for one instant loved any other man—and I never will. That is a promise.”
“Bernoline, I have done everything as you wished, more than I would have believed I could do. This I ask: during those months of loneliness and trial, write to me, and let me write to you!”
“Is that wise, I wonder?” she said, yet already wishing to be convinced.
“You cannot leave me utterly. I am not strong enough for that! Anything else—but not that!”
“Nor I.” Her eyes filled with tears and then, at last, through the tears, the smile came bravely forth. “Untilthe end of the war, then. And now—” She stopped, looked at me, and shook her head slowly.
“So soon?”
“It is best not to try ourselves beyond our strength,” she said. “But—we will not go too fast.”
I do not remember much what she said. For I was silent, once the great test passed, all at once weak and rebellious. She spoke to me, recalling our first meeting, speaking of the home she had found. My head was turning. All the complications, all the tragic incidents of our meeting and parting, the fatality that lay between us; all was nothing to the knowledge of the love that had looked at me out of the great dark eyes. My instincts revolted. I could not believe, I would not believe that this was the end. Somewhere, somehow, the future would be ours, if we had to wait—for twenty years!
We came to the end and, as I stood, all choked up, she took my hand and laid it against her heart—a moment.
“Mon ami, you will be there, always.”
The light in her eyes is still before me as I write and the dear face, transformed with all the pure happiness of a child.
“And now—” she began reluctantly.
“No—no! Not that word!” I blurted out.
“As you wish,” she said gravely. “Courage, and God keep you, my dear.”
She went up the steps slowly, looking back, and her eyes for a moment lingered, smiling down on me, before she could find courage to end a look that might be the last. The door closed and shut her out from me.
*****
And from these moments, sanctified in my memory, by the perverse turns of my fate, that seems to entangle all the skeins of my life, the good and the evil, I came back to meet—Letty.
She was in the salon that separated our rooms when I entered, and from the look on Ben’s face I saw that his soul was being torn to its foundations. At my entrance they stopped, in a sudden telltale silence.
“You here, Letty?” I said, stupidly enough. God knows that no more unwelcome figure could have come before me at that moment.
She nodded curtly, but did not speak. She looked quite worn despite her artifice, and in her cold face the eyes burned forth as they did only when she was roused to some fury of obstinate determination. The conversation had been at a high tension, as I could see by Ben’s ugly frown. I went into my bedroom and closed the door and, overcome by the moral nausea of this malignant intrusion across the clean memory of the evening’s exaltation, I sank on the bed and, taking my head in my hands, cursed her from the bitterness of my heart as I have never cursed another human being.
Not that she had come to see me. I knew too well the only genuine impulse of which in her tired experience she was capable. It was only the prey which was escaping her that could rouse the female in her. I did not know how far Ben had gone in his revolt,—though I suspected that he had given an ultimatum. But I knew this, that Letty would never let him go without a struggle. What to do? My lips were sealed: the slightest false move might precipitate a tragedy. An hour passed, while I listened to the falling and rise of their contending voices, when, suddenly, the door opened and banged, and Ben came into the room.
“For God’s sake, David, get her away!”
I sprang up, half expecting Letty to rush in—but she did not—and after a moment I went over to my brother and laid my hand on his shoulder to steady him.
“Ben, do you mean that?”
“Get her away—quick!”
“That’s a big responsibility to take,” I said slowly. “Your mind’s made up?”
He dug his fingers into his arms and, in the breath that went through him, I felt a sudden vacillation.
“Ben,” I said, sternly. “Stick to your guns. Care for you? All she cares is to know she can make you suffer. Sit down.”
I went on tiptoe to the door and flung it open. As I had known, she was there, listening. But it is dangerous to try such a woman as Letty too far, and the blind rage I saw in her face at this exposure so frightened me that, closing the door behind me, I clapped my hand over her mouth and picked her up bodily.
“The scene is over, and out you go,” I said, savagely. She did not struggle but suddenly became quiet and inert and, with the devilish instinct that was in her to wound me, her arms closed softly about my neck. I wrenched myself free, loathing the hated perfume of her body, and set her down in the hall.
“So, you have told him?” she said quickly, keen for the pretense at dramatics.
“If I had, you wouldn’t be alive now,” I said, and closed and locked the door and, for further security, slipped the key into my pocket.
*****
It is four o’clock in the morning now, as I finish these lines. I can hear Ben in the next room, walking up and down.