A Parlour in the Castle.TheCOUNTESS,theMARQUIS,andDON ANTONIOdiscovered sitting.
A Parlour in the Castle.
TheCOUNTESS,theMARQUIS,andDON ANTONIOdiscovered sitting.
Antonio.And so, my Lord, you once thought of the army—Do you think you should stand your ground in a battle. (Laughing to himself.)
Marquis.Sir! (Surprized.)
Antonio.(Aside.) Damn me but she has a good leg.
Countess.Your Lordship seems formed for the service of a softer Deity; an occupation less perilous than that of war.
Antonio.Aye, that you do.
Marquis.Pardon me, Madam, the Deity you allude to, I fear may be yet more fatal, unless you will kindly fight on my side.
Antonio.Ha, ha, ha, I can't help laughing to think what a pretty soldier you would make—You look vastly like a soldier to be sure.—Ha, ha, ha.
Marquis.Why not, Sir? (Angrily.)
Antonio.Nay, no offence—Damn me if I should not like to command a whole regiment of you—and I would go upon some new achievements—For instance, say the enemy were Hotten-tots, I would undertake to poison them all by the scent of perfumes from my army—or in case of a repulse, would engage at any time to raise a mist, and escape pursuit, only by commanding every man to shake his head, and discharge the powder.
Marquis.Upon my word, Sir, you are very pleasant. (Forcing a smile.)
Antonio.I am very glad your Lordship thinks so.
EnterSERVANT.
Servant.(To Antonio.) Sir, you are wanted by a gentleman in the parlour.
Antonio.Pshaw—I'm busy—Who is it?—(Servant whispers.) Well then I must come. (Exit Servant.) My Lord I take my leave for a minute, but I shall soon be back. (Aside.) How like a man she looks—Impudent hussey.[Exit.
Marquis.Your uncle's behaviour, Madam, has something in it rather extraordinary—I hope I have not in any means offended him?
Countess.I can conceal my knowledge of her no longer. (Aside.) Oh no, my dear, not at all.
Marquis.My dear! (Aside.)
Countess.I declare I like you so well—so much better than I expected—I can no longer treat you with cold reserve—Come sit down. (They sit.)
Marquis.How kind is this! (Drawing his chair near to her.)
Countess.(Looking at him from head to foot.) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I protest I can't help laughing—Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Marquis.Ha, ha, ha, ha—I protest no more can I—Sure fate directed me to this heavenly spot, where ceremony has no share in politeness.
Countess.And did you suppose I should use any ceremony with such a sweet, sweet fellow as you?
Marquis.Egad, I'll use no ceremony either. (Aside.) Thus, on my knees, let me pour my thanks.
Countess.Oh you artful creature! (Stroking his cheek.)
Marquis.Art! I disclaim it—and so do you.—You are all pure nature.
Countess.Well, I positively do think you one of the cleverest of your whole sex.
Marquis.Thank you—Thank you—my dearest creature. (Kissing her hand.)
Countess.So negligent—so easy—not the lead awkward or embarrassed!
Marquis.Egad, I think you as little embarrassed to the full. (Aside.) My dear Madam, your charming society has inspired me. (Salutes her.)
Countess.Now, if you were really aman, what would youdeservefor that?
Marquis.Madam! (Astonished.)
Countess.I say, if you werereallya man, what would you deserve for that freedom?
Marquis.Reallya man! Why?—What?—Don't I look like a man?
Countess.Yes—that you do—and a sweet pretty man—Come, come, don't be frightened—shake hands—I forgive you—forgive you all your impertinence—and, carry the jest as far as you will, I am resolved not to be angry.
Marquis.I am very much obliged to you—infinitely obliged to you—I assure you this favour—this honour.—I don't know what to say—She absolutely puts me out of countenance. (Aside.)
Countess.What confused?—Come, resume your gaiety—Come, come—
Marquis.Come, come, then. (seizing her.)
EnterDON ANTONIO.
Antonio.Hah!—What! Struggling?
Countess.Oh, Uncle, I have been so ill-used by this Gentleman, that I must beg you will resent his behaviour.
Marquis.How!
Antonio.Certainly, my dear, if youhavebeen used ill.
Countess.Most scandalously—Frighten her a little. (Aside to Antonio.)
Marquis.Upon my honour, Sir—
Antonio.Zounds, Sir, my niece is one of the most reserved, prudent young women—and whosoever offers an insult to her, it is my place, and consistent but with my honour, to resent it.—How white she looks. (Aside.)
Marquis.Sir, I shall not draw my sword before the Countess, and therefore I beg you will put up your's.
Antonio.And so I will, my poor Lady—I see it has frightened you—Here, Niece, have you any hartshorn or drops at hand—the poor thing is terrified out of her life. Come, come, my poor little creature—Poor thing—Poor rogue. (He goes up to sooth him, and the Marquis gives him a blow.)
Marquis.Don Antonio, this insolence shall receive the correction it deserves. (Draws.)
Countess.She is not in earnest, sure. (Aside.)
Antonio.I have received many a blow from a Lady, but never such a one as this!
Marquis.Do you dare to call me a Lady again, Sir?
Antonio.A Lady, oh no—you are a tyger, a fury—
Marquis.I never met with such usage!—Damnation!
Antonio.What a profligate she is! I did not think such a word could come out of a woman's mouth!
Marquis.How, Sir!—Dare to say that again, and I'll nail you to the wall.
Antonio.(Retreating.) Why, what is all this about? I won't fight—I only drew my sword to frighten you.
Marquis.To frighten me!—Did you think I was to be frightened?
Antonio.Why not? You see I am.
Marquis.Yes, I see, and scorn you for it.
Countess.Why, Uncle, the tables are fairly turned upon you.
Antonio.Yes, Niece, and I'm much obliged to you, for your advice in the business—But you may depend upon it, I shall take care how I attempt to frighten one of your sex again. (Going.)
Marquis.Come back, Sir, I insist upon your coming back, and recalling what you have said—I insist upon your begging me pardon for your impertinent insinuation.—
Antonio.What insinuation?—That I think you a female?—I am sure there is no offence meant in that—for, when I suppose you a woman, I suppose you what I like better than anything in the world; what I am never happy without; and what I even make myself poor, despised, and ridiculous, in the daily pursuit of.
Marquis.And pray, Sir, in what, do I appear like a woman?
Antonio.And pray, Sir, in what, does any of our modern coxcombs appear like a man? and yet they don't scruple to call themselves men.
Marquis.Then you will not recall your sentiments and beg my pardon?
Antonio.Beg your pardon?—No—Yes, yes—Put on your petticoats, and I'll fall at your feet as soon as you please.—
Marquis.I'll bear this no longer—Draw. (Marquis draws.)
Antonio.Here Jerome, Jerome, come and defend me, where it would be a dishonour to defend myself.
EnterJEROME.
Antonio.See, Jerome, how my life is assailed.
Jerome.Aye, your Honour, I always told you the women would be the death of you at last.
Marquis.You too, rascal!—
Jerome.Well, I declare with her sword in her hand, she is as fine a creature as ever I saw!—Oh you audacious minx.
Marquis.Scoundrel—
Jerome.Sure, your Honour, she must be the Maid of Orleans.
Marquis.I am no maid, Sir.
Jerome.I am sorry for your misfortune.
Marquis.Don Antonio, this treatment I suppose you inflict as a just recompence for my presumption in daring to hope for an alliance in your family, spite of the prejudice which I knew the Countess had conceived—I cannot deny the justice of the accusation—I came into her house with the vain hope——
Countess.By no meansvain—I am ready to comply, be your hopes what they will.
Marquis.Can I believe what you say real?
Countess.Certainly—Were you going to say you hoped to marry me? If you were, call the Priest, and we'll be married immediately.
Antonio.Aye, if that is what your Lordship wants, the Priest shall tack you together in five minutes.
Marquis.This sudden consent staggers me—I was not prepared for it—one likes a little preparation before marriage as well as before death. (Aside.)
Countess.What! you are cast down—alarmed—want to recant—but I won't let you—Youshallmarry me—I insist upon it.
Marquis.What, directly?
Countess.Yes, directly—I am in a hurry.
Marquis.I believe this is mere trifling—Swear you will marry me.
Countess.I do swear.
Marquis.You are witness to the oath.
Antonio and Jerome.We are witness.
EnterSERVANTwithDONNA ISABELLAveiled.
Servant.A Lady, Madam, who says she is sister to the Marquis.
Countess.Has the Marquis more sisters than one?
Marquis.No.
Antonio.Then this, I suppose, is your brother?
Jerome.Aye, in women's clothes—O dear, another fine sight!
Countess.Oh Heavens, if it is a man, take him out of the room or I shall faint.
Marquis.Sister Isabella, when I shall relate to you the strange reception I have met with in this house, you will be amazed—but I think you will sincerely rejoice at the final event of my visit, when I tell you it is a solemn promise from this Lady to become my wife.
Isabel.I give you joy most unfeignedly. (Pulls off her veil.).
Countess.It is awoman.
Antonio.Aye, that it is—Madam, let me bid you welcome to the castle. (Goes and salutes her.)
Countess.(To the Marquis.) Why, what are you—(After trembling as if much terrified) an'tyoua woman?
Isabel.Countess, I knew you never would have consented to have seen the Marquis, had he been introduced into the house as a man, therefore I formed this stratagem, unknown to him, thus to bring you together.
Marquis.(To the Countess.) Do not droop, my dearest wife.
Countess.And are you really the Marquis? What a strange blunder have I made!
Marquis.I am the Marquis—and it shall be my future care to banish for ever from your memory, the recollection of that marriage which has been the source of so much woe to you.
Antonio.Donna Isabella, we are all infinitely obliged to you for this stratagem, by which you have induced the Countess, innocently to break a vow, which she could not have kept without drawing upon herself both ridicule and melancholy—My dear Niece, depend upon it, there is butonevow a woman is authorized to take.
Countess.And what vow is thatoneUncle?
Antonio.A vow toLOVE,HONOURandOBEY.
[Exeunt omnes.
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TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE
In a few instances, missing punctuation has been added and the occasional comma at the end of speech changed to a full stop.
The misspelling of the name Antonio as Antonis on the character's first entrance has been corrected. In the prologue, the spelling theee has been retained, since this is presumably part of the mimicry (the word is evidently "the" rather than "thee").