* * * * *
"Next day he came.
"When the carriage that brought him rolled in at the courtyard gate, Martha was busy in the kitchen. I ran to her, and beaming with pleasure I whispered into her ear, 'Martha, I believe he is here.' But she forthwith apprised me that I was not her confidante. She looked at me vaguely for a time, then asked absently, 'Whom do you mean?'
"'Whom else but our cousin?'
"'Why do you tell me that in a whisper?' she asked. And when, in answer, I shrugged my shoulders, she once more took up the kitchen spoon she had put down, and went on stirring.
"'Is that the extent of your pleasure, Martha?' I asked, while I contemptuously pursed my lips.
"But she pushed me aside with her left hand and said, more passionately than was her wont, 'Child, I beg of you, go!'
"And thus it came about that I received Cousin Robert in her stead.
"As I stepped out on to the verandah, he was just alighting from his carriage.
"'He does not look much better than papa,' that was my first thought. A great strong man like a giant, with broad chest and shoulders, his face sun-burnt, with little blue eyes in it, and framed by a shaggy beard, such a beard as the 'lancequenets' used to wear.
"'Only the chin-strap is wanting,' I thought to myself.
"He came jumping up the steps laughing towards me.
"'Well, good morning, Martha!' he cried.
"And then suddenly he stopped short, measured me from head to foot and stood there, half-way up the stairs, as if petrified.
"'My name is not Martha, but Olga!' I remarked, somewhat dejectedly.
"'Ah, that accounts for it!' he cried, shaking with laughter, stepped up to me and offered me a red, horny hand, quite covered with cracks and weals.
"'What an uncouth fellow!' I thought in my own mind. And when we had entered the room he looked me up and down again and said, 'You were quite a little thing yet, Olga, when I went away from here; now it seems like a wonder to me that you should be so like Martha!'
"'I like Martha,' thought I, 'when was I ever in the least like Martha?'
"'But no,' he continued, 'she was not so tall, and her hair was fairer, and she did not stand there so haughtily--and--and--did not make such serious eyes.'
"'Ah, good Heavens,' thought I, 'you first look into Martha's eyes!'
"At this moment the kitchen door opened quite, quite slowly, and through a narrow aperture she squeezed herself in. She had not taken off her white apron. Her face was as white as this apron, and her lips trembled.
"'Welcome, Robert!' she said softly behind his back, for he had turned towards me.
"At the first sound of her voice he veered round like lightning, and then for about a minute they stood facing each other without moving, without uttering a word.
"I trembled. For two days I had lain in wait for this moment, and now it fell so wretchedly short of my expectations. Then they slowly approached each other, and kissed. This kiss too did not satisfy me. He could not have kissedmedifferently; 'only that he did not attempt that at all,' I added mentally. And then they both were silent again. My heart beat so wildly that I had to press both hands to my bosom.
"At last Martha said, 'Won't you take a seat, Robert?'
"He nodded and threw himself into the sofa-corner so that all its joints creaked. He looked at her again and again, then after a long time he remarked, 'You are very much changed, Martha!'
"I felt as if he had given me a slap in the face.
"An unutterably sad smile played about Martha's lips.
"'Yes, I suppose I am changed,' she then said.
"Renewed silence. It seemed as if a long time were necessary for him to put a thought into words.
"'Why did I never hear that you were ailing?' he began again at length.
"'That I do not know.' she replied, with bitter affability.
"'Could you not write to me about it?'
"'Are we in the habit of writing to each other?' she asked in return.
"He gave the table an angry shove.
"'But if one is not well--then--then--'; he did not know how to proceed.
"I pressed my fists together. I should so have liked to finish his sentence for him.
"'Never mind.' said Martha, 'one often knows least one's self when one is not well.'
"'I should think one ought to know that best one's self,' he replied.
"'What if one does not think it worth while to take any notice of it?' This time she spoke without bitterness, modestly and quietly as she always spoke, and yet every word cut me to the quick.
"('Oh, Martha, why did you repulse me?' a voice within me cried.)
"And thereupon she broke into a short laugh, and asked how things were at home, and whether uncle and aunt were well.
"'First I should like to know how my uncle and my aunt are,' he said, and looked into the four corners of the room.
"I was so glad to see the strained mood giving way, that I burst into a loud laugh at his comical search.
"Both looked at me in astonishment as if they only just remembered my presence.
"'And what do you say to our child?' asked Martha, taking my hand in motherly fashion, 'does she please you?'
"'Better now already,' he said, scrutinising me, 'before, she was too stiff for me.'
"'I could hardly put my arms round your neck at once?' I replied.
"'Why not?' he asked, smiling complacently, 'do you think there is no room for you there?'
"'No,' said I, to let him know at once how to take me, 'that room is not the place for me.'
"He looked at me quite taken aback, and then remarked, nodding his head--
"'By Jingo, the little woman is pretty sharp.'
"I was going to reply something, but at that moment papa entered the room.
"At table I constantly kept my eye on the two, without however being able to notice anything suspicious.
"Their eyes hardly met.
"'Afterwards when the old people are taking their nap,' I thought to myself, 'they are sure to try and make their escape.' But I was mistaken. They quietly remained in the sitting-room, and did not even seem anxious to get me out of the way. He sat in the sofa-corner smoking, she, five paces away at the window, with some needlework.
"'Perhaps they are too shy,' I thought, 'and are waiting till an opportunity presents itself.' I marked a few signs and slipped out. Then for half an hour I crouched in my room with a beating heart and counted the minutes till I might go back again.
"'Now he will go up to her,' I said to myself, 'will take her hands and look long into her eyes. "Do you still love me?" he will ask; and she, blushing rosy red, will sink with tear-dimmed gaze upon his breast.'
"I closed my eyes and sighed. My temples were throbbing; I felt more and more how my fancies intoxicated me, and then I went on picturing to myself how he would drop on his knees before her and, with ardent looks, stammer forth glowing declarations of love and faithfulness.
"I knew by heart everything that he was saying to her at this moment, no less than what she was answering. I could have acted as prompter to them both. When the half-hour was over, I held counsel with myself whether I should grant them a few moments longer. I was at present their fate and as such I smilingly showered my favours upon them.
"'Let them drain their cup of bliss to the last drop!' said I, and resolved to take a walk through the garden yet. But curiosity overpowered me so that I turned back half-way.
"Softly I crept up to the door, but hardly did I find courage to turn the handle. The thought of what I was about to see almost took my breath away.
"And what did I see now, after all?
"There he still sat in his sofa-corner as before, and had smoked his cigar down to a tiny stump; but in her embroidery there was a flower which had not been there before.
"'Why do you shrug your shoulders so contemptuously?' asked Martha, and Robert added, 'It seems I do not meet with her ladyship's gracious approval.'
"'So,' thought I, 'for all my kindness I get sneers into the bargain,' and went out slamming the door after me. That same night, I, foolish young creature that I was, lay awake till nearly morning, and pictured to myself how I, Olga Bremer, would have behaved had I been in the place of those two. First I was Robert, then Martha; I felt, I spoke, I acted for them, and through the silence of my bedroom there sounded the passionate whisperings of ardent, world-despising love.
"As things were much too straightforward to please me, I invented a number of additional obstacles--our parents' refusal, nocturnal meetings at the frontier trench, surprise by the Cossacks, imprisonment, paternal, maledictions, flight, and finally death together in the waves; for only hereby, so it seemed to me, could true love be worthily sealed and confirmed.
"When I got up in the morning my head whirled, and yellow and green lights danced before my eyes.
"Martha clasped her hands in horror at my appearance, and Robert, who was sitting again for a change in a sofa-corner, and once again sending forth clouds of smoke all around, remarked--
"'Have you been crying or dancing all night?'
"'Dancing,' I replied, 'on the Brocken, with other witches.'
"'One positively cannot get a sensible word out of the girl,' he said, shaking his head.
"'As you cry into the wood,' replied I.
"'Oh! I am as still as a mouse already,' he remarked, laughing, 'else I shall get such a dish of aspersion to begin the day with, as I have never swallowed in all my life.'
"Martha looked at me reproachfully, and I ran out into the park where it was darkest and hid my burning face in the cool mass of leaves.
"I was near crying.
"'So this is my fate,' I moaned, 'to be misunderstood by the whole world, to stand there alone and despised though my heart is full of passionate love, to wither unheeded in some corner, while every other being finds its companion and stills its longings in an ardent embrace.'
"Yes, I had so vividly pictured to myself Martha's love that I had finally come to think myself the heroine of it.
"Thus, of course, disenchantment could not fail to come.
"And if only the two had made some further effort to keep pace with the flights of my imagination! But the longer Robert remained in our house, the more I watched Martha's intercourse with him, the more did I become convinced that all interest was unnecessarily wasted upon them.
"She--the type of a timid, insipid, housewife, subject to any fatality of every-day life.
"He--a clumsy, dull, work-a-day fellow, incapable of any degree of emotion.
"In this strain I philosophised as long as the bitter feeling that I was unnoticed and superfluous wholly filled my soul. Then there came an event which not only disposed me to be more lenient, but also gave a new direction to my ideas about this stranger cousin.
* * * * *
"It was on the fourth day of his visit when he unexpectedly stepped up to me and said:
"'Little one, I have a request to make to you. Will you come out for a ride with me?'
"'What an honour,' replied I.
"'No, you must not begin again like that,' said he, laughing, though annoyed. 'We will try for once to be good comrades just for half an hour. Agreed?'
"His cordiality pleased me. I gave him my hand upon it.
"As we rode out of the courtyard gate Martha stood at the kitchen window and waved to us with her white apron.
"'See here, Martha,' I thought in my mind, 'this is how I would ride out into the wide world with him if I were his paramour.'
"For my ideas as to what a 'paramour' is were as yet very vague, and I did not hesitate to ascribe this dignity to Martha.
"'He rides well.' I went on thinking; 'my prince could not do better.'
"And then I caught myself throwing myself back proudly and joyously in my saddle, swayed by an undefined sense of well-being that made all my nerves tingle.
"He said nothing, only now and again turned towards me and nodded at me smilingly, as if he thought well to secure our compact anew every five minutes. It was needless trouble, for nothing was further from my thoughts than to break it.
"When we had ridden for half an hour at a sharp trot he pulled up his chestnut and said:
"'Well, little one?'
"'What is your pleasure, big one?'
"'Shall we turn back?'
"'Oh, no.'
"I was absolutely not willed to give up so quickly what filled me with such intense satisfaction.
"'Well, then, to the Illowo woods,' said he, pointing to the bluish wall which bordered the distant horizon.
"I nodded and gave my horse the whip, so that it reared up high and plunged along in wild bounds.
"'Very creditable for a young lady of fifteen.' I heard his voice behind me.
"'Sixteen, if you please!' cried I, half turning round towards him. 'By the bye, if you again reproach me with my youth, there's an end to our good fellowship.'
"'Heaven forbid!' he laughed, and then we rode on in silence.
"The wood of Illowo is intersected by a small rivulet, whose steep banks are so close together that the alder branches from either side intertwine and form a high-vaulted, green dome over the surface of the water, terminating at each bend in a dense wall of foliage, behind which it builds itself up anew. Down there, close to the water's edge, I had known, since my childhood, many a secluded nook, where I had often sat for hours, reading or dreaming to myself, while my horse peacefully grazed up in the wood.
"As we now rode slowly along between the trees, a desire seized me to show him one of my sanctuaries.
"'I want to dismount,' I called out to him; 'help me out of my saddle.'
"He jumped off his horse and did as I had bid.
"'What do you intend to do?' he then asked.
"'You will see shortly.' said I. 'First of all, let the horses go.'
"'I should think so, indeed,' he laughed. 'You seem to be one of those who catch their hares by putting salt on their tails.'
"And he set about tying the bridles to a tree.
"'Let loose,' I commanded; and as he did not obey, I gave the horses a lash of the whip, so that before he thought of catching hold of the reins tighter, they were already galloping about at liberty in the wood.
"'What now?' said he, and put his hands in his pockets. 'Do you think they will let themselves be caught?'
"'Not by you!' laughed I, for I was sure of my favourites.
"And when at a low whistle from my lips they both came racing along from the distance and snuffled about affectionately at my neck with their nostrils, my heart swelled with pride that there were creatures on earth, though only dumb animals, who bowed to my might and were subject to me through love; and triumphantly I looked up at him as if now he must know me as I really was, and what I required of the world.
"But I could see that even now I had not impressed him. 'Well done, little one!' he said, nothing more, patted me on the shoulder in fatherly manner, and then threw himself down carelessly upon the grass. The sun's rays, which broke through the foliage, glittered in his beard. Like a hero in repose he appeared to me, like those described in northern saga.
"But just as I was about to grow absorbed in my romancing, he began to yawn most fearfully, so that I was very quickly and rudely transferred to prose.
"'But we are not going to stay here. Sir Cousin.'
"'Don't be foolish, little one,' said he, closing his eyes; 'do like me, let us sleep.'
"Then a frolicsome mood possessed me, and I stepped up to him and shook him soundly by the collar.
"He snatched at my dress, but I evaded him, so that he jumped to his feet and attempted to lay hold of me. Then I walked quietly to meet him and said, 'That's right, now come along.' And then I led him right through a dense thicket of thorns, down the steep slope, at the foot of which the deep water lay like a dark mirror. Down there broadleaved convolvuli and creepers had formed a natural bower above a projecting block of stone, in which even at high noon one could sit almost in the dark.
"Thither I led him.
"'Upon my word, it is delightful here, little one,' he said, and comfortably stretched himself upon the stone, so that his feet hung down to the water. 'Come, sit down at my side; ... there is room for us both.'
"I did as he wished, but seated myself so that I could look down upon him.
"He pretended to be sleeping, and now and again blinked up at me through half-closed lids.
"Then the thought suddenly came to me, 'Now, if you were Martha, what should you do?' and I was so startled by it that my blood gushed up hotly into my face.
"'Are you easily frightened, little one?' he asked.
"I shook my head.
"'Then come here!'
"'I am here at your side.'
"'Place yourself in front of me.'
"I did so. My feet almost touched the flat edge of the stone.
"Suddenly he raised himself, clasped me as quick as lightning about the waist, and at the same moment I felt myself suspended in mid-air above the water. I looked at him and laughed.
"'Let me tell you.' said he, 'that it is not by any means a laughing matter. If I let you drop----'
"'I shall be drowned--so let me drop.'
"'No, first you must make a confession to me.'
"'What confession?'
"'Why you do not like me.'
"I drew a deep breath. At the same time I felt that the soles of my feet were already being wetted by the surface of the water. He must not let me sink any lower. A delicious feeling of powerlessness came over me.
"'I do like you.' I said.
"'Then why do you give me such disagreeable answers?
"'Because I am a disagreeable creature.'
"'That is certainly plausible,' laughed he, and with rapid swing lifted me up like a feather so that I came to stand once more upon the stone. 'There, now sit down, we will talk sensibly.' Then he took my hand and continued: 'See, I am a simple fellow, have worked hard and given little thought to sharpening my wit. You with your quick little brain always kill me at the very first thrust, so that I have grown positively afraid of talking to you. I know you mean no harm, for it is not in our blood to be ill-natured; but all the same, it is not the proper thing. I am nearly twelve years older than you, and you almost a child yet. Am I right?'
"'You are right.' said I, dejectedly, wondering privately where my defiance had departed to.
"'Then why did you do it?'
"'Because I wanted to gain your approval.' said I, and drew a deep breath.
"He looked into my eyes amazed.
"'Because I wanted to show you that I was not a silly thing, that my head was in its right place, that I----,' I stopped short and grew ashamed of myself.
"He chewed his beard and looked meditatively before him.
"'Indeed, now,' he said, 'I was in a fair way to get quite a wrong idea of your character. What a good thing that I followed Martha's advice!'
"'Martha's?' I exclaimed. 'What did she advise you?'
"'Take her aside alone some time,' she said, 'and have it out with her. Whomever she does not love she hates, and it would pain me if she did not grow to love you.'
"'Did she say that?' asked I, and tears came into my eyes. 'Oh, you good sister, you noble soul!'
"'Yes, she said that and much more besides, in order to explain and vindicate your disposition. And as I love Martha----'
"'Do you?' I interrupted him, eager to learn more.
"'Yes, very dearly,' he replied reflectively, and looked down into the water beneath him.
"My heart beat so violently that I could hardly draw my breath. So he, he took me into his confidence, he made a confederate of me. I could have embraced him there and then, so grateful did I feel towards him.
"'And does she know it?' I inquired.
"'I daresay she knows it,' he remarked; 'a thing of that sort cannot be concealed----'
"What--then--you have not--told her?' I stammered.
"He shook his head sadly.
"I was awakened from all my illusions. So the arbours of our garden had never afforded shelter to two lovers, the moon as it shone through the branches had never been the witness of clandestine kisses? And all my romancing had proved itself nothing but idle imagination? But in the midst of my disillusion a deep compassion seized me for this giant, crouching beside me as helpless as a child. Surely, I vowed to myself, he shall not in vain have put his trust in me!
"'Why did you remain silent?' I inquired further.
"He looked somewhat suspiciously at my immature youth, and then began, heaving a deep breath:--
"'You see, at that time I was a silly young fellow, and could not pluck up courage to speak; in the years of one's youth one is already so supremely happy if one can only now and again secure a secret pressure of the hand, that one thinks marriage can have no further bliss to offer. But----you really cannot understand all these things.'
"'Who knows?' replied I, in my innocence; 'I have read a great deal on the subject already.'
"'The short and the long of it is.' he continued, 'that I was then nearly as foolish as you are at present. And now, you see, if I speak to her now, every word binds me with iron fetters to all eternity.'
"'And don't you wish to bind yourself?' I asked in astonishment.
"'Imaynot,' he cried; 'I dare not, for I do not know if I can make her happy.'
"'Well, of course, if you do not know that,' said I, drawing up my lips contemptuously, and in my heart I inferred further: 'Then he cannot love her either.'
"But he started up with sparkling eyes: 'Understand me aright, little one.' he cried; 'if it only depended on me, I would ask nothing better all my life, than to carry her in my arms, lest her foot might dash against a stone. But--oh, this misery--this misery!' And he tore his hair, so that I grew quite frightened of him. Never should I have thought it possible for this quiet, reflective man to behave so passionately.
"'Confide in me, Robert,' said I, placing my hand on his shoulder; 'I am only a foolish girl, but it will unburden your heart.'
"'I cannot,' he groaned, 'I cannot!'
"'Why not?'
"'Because it would be humiliating--for you too. Only this much I will tell you: Martha is a delicate, tender, sensitive creature; she would never be able to hold her own against the flood of cares and misfortune which must pour down upon her there. She would be broken like a weak blade of corn at the first onset of the storm. And what good would it be, if a few years after our wedding I had to carry her to her grave?'
"A cold shudder runs through me, when I think how that word of presage came to be so terribly realised; but at that moment there was nothing to warn me. I only felt the ardent desire to give as romantic a turn as possible to this, to my mind, much too prosaic love affair. Unfortunately there was not much to be done at present. So at least I assumed a knowing air, and sought in my memory for some of the phrases with which worthy sibyls and father confessors are wont to feed the soul of unhappy lovers.
"And he, this big child, drank in the foolish words of comfort like one dying of thirst.
"'But will she have patience?' he asked, and showed signs of becoming disheartened again.
"'She will! Depend upon it,' I cried, eagerly; 'as she has waited so long, she will wait for another year or two. You will see how gladly she will submit.'
"'And what if even later nothing should come of it?' he objected, 'if I should have disappointed her hopes, have played the fool with her heart? No, I will not speak; they may drag my tongue out of my mouth, but I will not speak!'
"'If you did not intend to speak, why then did you come?' asked I. Heaven knows how this two-edged idea got into my foolish young girl's head. I felt darkly that I was committing a cruelty when I put it into words, but now it was too late. I saw how his face grew pale, I felt how his breath swelled up hot and heavy and poured itself forth upon me in a sigh.
"'I am an honest man, Olga,' he muttered between his teeth; 'you must not torture me. But as you have asked, you shall have an answer. I came because I could bear life without her no longer, because by a sight of her I wanted to gather up strength and comfort for sad days to come, and because--because in my heart of hearts I still cherished the faint hope that things might be different here, that it might be possible for her to come with me.'
"'And is it not possible?'
"'No! Do not ask why; let it suffice you that I say no.'
"Then suddenly he bent down towards me, took hold of both my hands, and said, from the very depths of his soul: 'See, Olga, more has come of our good fellowship than we both could suspect an hour ago. Will you now stand by me faithfully, and help me as much as lies in your power?'
"'I will,' said I, and felt very solemn the while.
"'I know you are no longer a child,' he went on; 'you are a sensible and brave girl and do not swerve from anything you undertake. Will you keep watch over her, so that she does not lose heart, even if I now go away again in silence. Will you?'
"'I will!' I repeated.
"'And will you sometimes write to me, to tell me how she is? Whether she is well, and of good courage? Will you?'
"'I will!' I said, for the third time.
"'Then come, give me a kiss, and let us be good friends, now and always.' And he kissed me on my mouth....
"Five minutes later we were on our horses and riding hurriedly towards the home farm; for it already was beginning to grow dark.
"'You stayed away a long time,' said Martha, who was standing in her white apron on the verandah, and smiled at us from afar. When I saw her, I felt as if I could never find enough tenderness to pour out upon my sister. I hastened towards her and kissed her passionately, but at the same moment I regretted it, for it appeared to me as if I were thereby wiping his kiss from my lips.
"Embarrassed, I desisted, and slunk away. At supper I constantly hung upon his eyes, for I thought he must make known our secret understanding by some sign. But he did not think of any such thing. Only when we shook hands after the meal he pressed mine in quite a peculiar way, as he had never done before. I was as pleased as if I had received some valuable present.
"On that evening I could hardly await the time when I might go to bed and put out the light; then I was often wont to stare for an hour at a time into the darkness, dreaming to myself. It was in my power to keep awake as long as I wished, and to go to sleep as soon as I thought it time. I had only to bury my head in the pillows and I was off. To-day I stretched myself in my bed with a sense of well-being such as I had never before in my life experienced. I felt as if every wish of my life had been fulfilled. My cheeks burnt, and on my lips there still distinctly remained the slight tingling sensation of that kiss--the first kiss with which a man,--papa of course did not count--had kissed me.
"And if, strictly speaking, it had been meant for some one else, what did that matter to me? I was still so young I could not yet lay claim to anything of the kind for my own self.
"Thereupon I once more fell into my favourite reverie as to what I should do if I were in Martha's place. Thus I had no need to destroy the fancies which to-day had been proved only idle chimera, but could go on spinning them out to my heart's content, and I did spin them out, waking and sleeping, till early morning.
"Two days later he drove off. A few hours before he took his leave, he had a long conference with Martha in the garden. Without any feeling of jealousy I saw them disappear together, and it afforded me unspeakable pleasure to keep watch at the gate so that no one should surprise them.
"When they appeared again they were both silent, and looked sad and serious.
"No, he had not declared himself; that I saw at the first glance, but he had spoken of the future, and probably interspersed many a little word of modest hope.
"Before he stepped into the carriage, it so happened that he was for a few moments alone with me. Then he took my hand and whispered:
"'You will not betray one single word, will you? I can depend upon it?'
"I nodded eagerly.
"'And you will write to me soon?'
"'Certainly.'
"'Where shall I send the answer?'
"I started. I had not in the remotest degree thought of that. But as the moment pressed, I mentioned at haphazard the name of an old inspector who had always been specially attached to me.
* * * * *
"Time passed. One day followed another in the old way, and yet now how differently, how peculiarly the world had shaped itself for me.
"I no longer had any need to study love from books, and search for it afar off; it had stepped bodily into my existence, its sweet mysteries played around me, and I--oh, joy!---I was joining in the game. I was entangled head over ears in the intrigue that was to lay the basis of my sister's happiness.
"It was like a miracle to see how after each of Robert's visits she revived and gained fresh strength and colour and health. Like an invigorating bath those few days of their intercourse had acted upon her, and more even than they, probably, that miraculous fountain of hope from which she had drunk a long and furtive draught.
"Certainly the sunny cheerfulness of other days did not return to her again, that seemed irretrievably lost in those seven years of weary waiting; no song, no laughter ever issued from her lips, but over her features there lay spread a soft warm glow, as if a light from within her soul irradiated them. Nor did she any longer drag herself about the house with lagging, weary steps, and whoever approached her was sure of a friendly smile.
"And as her happiness must needs find vent in love, she also attached herself more closely to me, and tried to gain an insight into my hidden and lonely thoughts. I loved her the more dearly for it, I all the more often invoked God's blessing upon her, but I did not give her my confidence.
"Before she, of her own accord, opened out her whole heart to me, I could not and would not confess how far I had already gazed into its depths.
"Sometimes I caught myself looking across at her with a motherly feeling--if I may call it so for since I carried on an active correspondence with Robert, I imagined that it was I who held her happiness in my hands.
"My vanity made of me a good genius, clad in white raiment, whose hand bore a palm-branch, and whose smile dispensed blessings. And meanwhile I counted the days till a letter from Robert came, and ran about with glowing cheeks when at length I carried it near my heart.
"These letters had become such a necessity to me that I could hardy imagine how I should ever be able to exist without them. Under pretext of telling him all about Martha, I most cunningly understood how to prattle away the cares that filled his heart--childishly and foolishly (as men like to hear it from us, so that they may feel themselves our superiors), and again at other times seriously and knowingly beyond my years--just as I felt in the mood. He willingly submitted to my chatter in all its different keys, as one submits to the piping of a singing-bird, and more I did not ask. For I was already so grateful that he allowed me--a silly young girl who had still to leave the room when grown-up people had serious questions to discuss--to participate in his great, grave love. All my dignity and self-consciousness were based upon thisrôleof guardian. And thus I grew up with and by this love, of which never a crumb might fall for me beneath the table.
* * * * *
"When the following autumn approached, I noticed that Martha manifested a peculiar restlessness. She ran about her room with excited steps, remained for half the nights at the open window, gesticulated and spoke loudly when she thought herself alone, and was violently startled whenever she found herself caught in the act.
"I faithfully informed Robert of what I saw, and added the question whether he had perhaps held out any hope of his coming at this particular time; for Martha's whole condition seemed to me to be produced through painfully overwrought expectation.
"I had every reason to be satisfied with the shrewdness of my seventeen years, for my observations proved correct.
"Deeply contrite, he wrote to me that he had indeed at parting expressed a hope of being able to return with a cheerful face in the following autumn, but that he had deceived himself, that he was more encumbered by cares and debts than ever before, that he was working like a common labourer, and did not see a ray of hope anywhere.
"'Then at least release her from the torture of waiting,' I wrote back to him, 'and cautiously inform our parents how you are placed.'
"He did so; two days later already, papa, in a bad humour, brought the letter along, which I--on account of my childish want of judgment--was not allowed to read.
"On Martha it operated in a way which terrified and deeply moved me. The excitement of the last weeks there and then disappeared. In its place there showed itself again that despairing listlessness which once before, in the days preceding Robert's coming, had worn her to a shadow; once more she fell away; once more deep blue rings appeared round her eyes; once more an odour of valerian proceeded from her mouth while she often writhed in pain. Added to this was the constant desire to weep, which at the smallest provocation, found vent in a torrent of tears.
"This time papa did not send for a doctor. He could make the diagnosis himself. Even mama suffered with the poor girl, as far as her phlegmatic nature permitted, and it did not permit her to stir from her chimney-corner to tender help to her sickening daughter. As for me, I now for the first time found an opportunity of proving to my family that I was no longer a child, and that even in serious matters, my will claimed consideration. I took the burden of housekeeping upon my shoulders, and though they all smiled and remonstrated, and though Martha declared time after time that she would never suffer me, the younger one, to usurp her place, I had still in a fortnight, so far gained my point that the entire household danced to my pipe.
"That was the only time when Martha and I ever came to hard words; but gradually she necessarily perceived that what I did was only done for her sake, and finally she was the first to feel grateful to me. In several other things too, she learnt to submit to me; but she sought to deceive herself as to my influence by remarking that one must give way to children.
"Through my intercourse with Robert, I now learnt for the first that one may tell lies for love's sake. I concealed from him the sad effects of his letter, yes, I even unblushingly wrote to him that everything was as well as could be. I acted thus, because I reflected that the truth would plunge him into a thousand new cares and anxieties, which must absolutely crush him, as he was powerless to help. But it was very hard for me to keep up my light chatty tone, and often some joke seemed to freeze in my pen.
"And things grew more and more troubled. Papa was despondent because failure of crops had destroyed his best prospects, mama grumbled because no one came to amuse her, and Martha faded away more and more.
"Christmas drew near--such a gloomy one as our happy home had never before witnessed.
"Round the burning Christmas tree which I had this time trimmed and lighted in Martha's stead, we stood and did not know what to say to each other for very heaviness of heart. And because no one else did so, I had to assume a forced smile and attempt to scare the wrinkles from their brows. But I got very little response indeed, and finally we shook hands and said 'good-night,' so that each might retire to his room, for we felt that anyhow we could not get on together.
"When I came to Martha, who sat silently in a corner, gazing vacantly at the dying candles, a painful feeling darted through my breast, as if I were committing some wrong towards her, which I ought to redress. But I did not know what this wrong could be.
"She kissed me on my forehead and said: 'May God ever let you keep your brave heart, my child; I thank you for every joke to which you forced yourself to-day.' I, however, knew not what to reply, for that consciousness of guilt, which I could not grasp, was gnawing at my soul. When I was alone in my room, I thought to myself, 'There, now you will celebrate Christmas.' I took Robert's letters out of the drawer where I kept them carefully hidden, and determined to read at them far into the night.
"The storm rattled my shutters, snow-flakes drifted with a soft rustle against the window-panes, and above, there peacefully gleamed the green-shaded hanging lamp.
"Then, as I comfortably spread out the little heap of letters in front of me, I heard next door, in Martha's room, a dull thud and thereupon an indistinct noise that sounded to me like praying and sobbing.
"'That is howshecelebrates Christmas,' I said, involuntarily folding my hands, and again I felt that pang at my heart, as if I were acting deceitfully and heartlessly towards my sister.
"And I brooded over it again till it became clear to me that the letters were to blame.
"'Do I not write and keep silence all for her good?' I asked myself; but my conscience would not be bribed; it answered: 'No.' Like flames of fire my blood shot up into my face, for I recognised with what pleasure my own heart hung upon those letters. 'What would she not give for one of these papers?' I went on thinking, 'She who perhaps no longer believes in his love, who is wrestling with the fear that he only did not come because he meant to tear asunder the ties that bind him to her heart.' 'And you hear her sobbing?' the voice within me continued, 'you leave her in her anguish, and meanwhile comfort yourself with the knowledge that you share a secret with him, with him who belongs to her alone?'
"I clasped my hands before my face; shame so powerfully possessed me, that I was afraid of the light which shone down upon me.
"'Give her the letters!' the voice cried suddenly, and cried so loudly and distinctly that I thought the storm must have shouted the words in my ears.
"Then I fought a hard battle; but each time my good intention wavered, hard pressed by the fear of breaking my word to him, and by the wish to remain still longer in secret correspondence with him, her sobbing and praying reached me more distinctly and confused my senses so, that I felt like fleeing to the ends of the earth in order to hear no more.
"And at length I had made up my mind. I carefully packed the letters together in a neat little heap, tied them round with a silk ribbon, and set about carrying them across to her.
"'That shall be your Christmas present,' said I, for I remembered that this year I had not been able to embroider or crochet anything for her, as had usually been the custom between us. And as he who gives likes to clothe his doings in theatrical garb in order to hide his overflowing heart, I determined first to act a little comedy with her.
"I crept, half-dressed as I was, down into the sitting-room, where our presents were spread under the Christmas tree, groped in the dark for her plate, gathered up what lay beside it, and on the top of all placed the little packet of letters. Thus laden, I came to her door and knocked.
"I heard a sound like some one dragging himself up from the floor, and after a long while--she was probably drying her eyes first--her voice was heard at the door, asking who was there and what was wanted of her.
"'It is I, Martha.' I said, 'I come to bring you--your plate--you left it downstairs.'
"'Take it with you into your room, I will fetch it to-morrow,' she replied, trying hard to suppress the sobs in her voice.
"'But something else has been added,' said I, and my words too were almost choked with tears.
"'Then give it me to-morrow.' she replied, 'I am already undressed.'
"'But it is from me,' said I.
"And because, despite her misery, in the kindness of her heart she did not want to hurt my feelings, she opened the door. I rushed up to her and wept upon her neck, while I kept tight hold of the plate with my left hand.
"'Whatever is the matter with you, child?' she asked, and patted me. 'A little while ago you seemed the only cheerful one, and now----'
"I pulled myself together, led her under the light, and pointed to the plate. At the first glance she recognised the handwriting, grew as white as a sheet, and stared at me like one possessed, out of eyes that were red with weeping.
"'Take them, take them!' said I.
"She stretched out her hand, but it shrank back as at the touch of red-hot iron.
"'See, Martha!' said I, with the desire to revenge myself for her silence, and at the same time to brag a little, 'you had no confidence in me; you considered me too childish, but I saw through everything, and while you were fretting, I was up and doing.' Still she continued to stare at me, without power of comprehension. 'You imagine that he no longer cares about you,' I went on, 'while all the time I have had to give him regular account of your doings and of the state of your health. Every week----'
"She staggered back, seized her head with both her hands, and then suddenly a shudder seemed to pass through her frame. She stepped close up to me, grasped my two hands, and with a peculiarly hoarse voice she said, 'Look me in the face, Olga! Which of you two wrote the first letter?'
"'I,' said I, astonished, for I did not yet know what she was driving at.
"'And you--you betrayed to him the state of my feelings--you--offeredme, Olga?'
"'What puts such an idea into your head?' said I. 'He himself confessed everything to me when he was here. Oh, he knew me better than you.' I added, for I could not let this small trump slip by. 'He was not ashamed to confide in me.'
"'Thank God!' she murmured with a deep sigh, and folded her hands.
"'But now come, Martha,' said I, leading her to the table, 'now we will celebrate Christmas.'
"And then we read the letters together, one after the other, and from one and all his heart, faithful and true as gold, shone forth through the simple, awkward words, and spread a warm glow, so that our heavily oppressed souls grew lighter and more cheerful, that we laughed and cried with cheek pressed to cheek, and almost squeezed our hands off in the mutual attempt to make each other feel the pressure which his warm red fist was wont to give.
"And then suddenly--it was at one place where he specially impressed upon me to be sure and take great care of her and watch over her and protect her for his sake--her happiness overwhelmed her, and--I blush to write it down--she fell on her knees before me and pressed her lips to my hand.
"But, though I was much startled, I no longer felt anything of that pricking and gnawing which a little while before, under the Christmas tree, had so sorely beset my bosom. I knew that my guilt was blotted out, and with a free light heart I vowed to myself now indeed to watch like a guardian angel over my sister, who was so much more feeble and in want of direction than I, the foolish and immature child. And she felt this herself, for unresistingly she, who had hitherto treated me as a child, submitted to my guidance.
"At last I had attained the desire of my heart. I had a human being whom I could pet and spoil as much as I pleased; and, now that every barrier between us had fallen, I lavished upon my sister all the tenderness which had for so long been stored up unused within me.
"Father and mother were not a little surprised at the newly-awakened cordiality of our relations to each other, that just latterly had left much to be desired, and Martha herself could hardly grow accustomed to the change. She contemplated me every day in new astonishment, and often said, 'How could I suspect that there was so much love within you?'
"If she could only have known what a sacrifice it cost me to divulge my secret, she would have put a still higher value upon my love.
"Yes, I had rightly guessed how it would be: from the moment when Martha had held the letters in her hand, the happiness of my secret understanding with Robert was at an end for me. Like a stranger he now appeared to me, and when I sat down to write to him I felt like a mere machine that has to copy other people's thoughts. Often I even passed on a letter unread to Martha as soon as I received it from the inspector's hands. Sometimes it worried me that I had abused his confidence to such an extent, for he suspected nothing of her knowledge; but when I looked at her, saw her newly-awakening smile and the quiet, dreamy happiness that shone forth from her eyes, I consoled my conscience with the thought that I could not possibly have committed any wrong. So far I had only become his betrayer; soon I was to betray Martha too.
"Winter and spring passed by swiftly, and the time came for storing the sheaves in the barns.
"As soon as the harvest was over he intended to come; but before then, he wrote, there was many a hardship to be surmounted.