EnterGaymanlike a Ghost, with a Torch.
SirCau. Oh Lord, oh Lord!
Gay. Hah!—old SirFeeble Fainwou’d—why, where the Devil am I? —’Tis he:—and be it where it will, I’ll fright the old Dotard for cozening my Friend of his Mistress. [Stalks on.
SirFeeb. Oh, guard me,—guard me—all ye Pow’rs! [Trembling.
Gay. Thou call’st in vain, fond Wretch—for I amBellmour,
Whom first thou robb’st of Fame and Life, And then what dearer was,—his Wife.
[Goes out, shaking his Torch at him.
SirCau. Oh Lord—oh Lord!
Enter L. Fulbankin an undress, andPert _undrest.
L.Ful. Heavens, what noise is this?—So he’s got safe out I see—hah, what thing art thou? [_Sees SirFeeblearm’d_.
SirFeeb. Stay, Madam, stay—’tis I, a poor trembling Mortal.
L.Ful. SirFeeble Fainwou’d!—rise,—are you both mad?
SirCau. No, no,—Madam, we have seen the Devil.
SirFeeb. Ay, and he was as tall as the Monument.
SirCau. With Eyes like a Beacon—and a Mouth,—Heaven bless us, likeLondonBridge at a full Tide.
SirFeeb. Ay, and roar’d as loud.
L.Ful. Idle Fancies, what makes you from your Bed? and you, Sir, from your Bride?
EnterDickwith Sack.
SirFeeb. Oh! that’s the business of another day, a mistake only,Madam.
L.Ful. Away, I’m asham’d to see wise Men so weak; the Fantoms of the Night, or your own Shadows, the Whimseys of the Brain for want of Rest, or perhapsBredwel, your Man—who being wiser than his Master, play’d you this Trick to fright you both to Bed.
SirFeeb. Hum—adod, and that may be, for the young Knave when he let me in to Night, was drest up for some Waggery—
SirCau. Ha, ha, ha, ‘twas even so, sure enough, Brother—
SirFeeb. Ads bobs, but they frighted me at first basely—but I’ll home to Pupsey, there may be Roguery, as well as here—Madam, I ask your Pardon, I see we’re all mistaken.
L.Ful. Ay, SirFeeble, go home to your Wife.
[Ex. severally.
EnterBellmourat the door, knocks, and enter to him from the House, Phillis.
Phil. Oh, are you come, Sir? I’ll call my Lady down.
Bel. Oh, haste, the Minutes fly—leave all behind. And bringLeticiaonly to my Arms. [A noise of People. —Hah, what noise is that? ‘Tis coming this way, I tremble with my fears—hah, Death and the Devil, ’.is he—
Enter SirFeebleand his Men arm’d, goes to the door, knocks.
Ay, ‘tis he, and I’m undone—what shall I do to kill him now? besides, the Sin wou’d put me past all Hopes of pardoning.
SirFeeb. A damn’d Rogue to deceive me thus.—
Bel. Hah—see, by HeavenLeticia, Oh, we are ruin’d!
SirFeeb. Hum—what’s here, two Women?— [Stands a little off.
EnterLeticiaandPhillissoftly, undrest, with a Box.
Let. Where are you, my best Wishes? Lord of my Vows—and Charmer of my Soul? Where are you?
Bel. Oh, Heavens!—[Draws his Sword half-way.
SirFeeb. Hum, who’s here? My Gentlewoman—she’s monstrous kind of the sudden. But whom is’t meant to? [Aside.
Let. Give me your hand, my Love, my Life, my All—Alas! where are you?
SirFeeb. Hum—no, no, this is not to me—I am jilted, cozen’d, cuckolded, and so forth.— [Groping, she takes hold of SirFeeb.
Let. Oh, are you here? indeed you frighted me with your Silence—here, take these Jewels, and let us haste away.
SirFeeb. Hum—are you thereabouts, Mistress? was I sent away with aSham-Plot for this!—She cannot mean it to me. [Aside.
Let. Will you not speak?—will you not answer me?—do you repent already?—before Enjoyment are you cold and false?
SirFeeb. Hum, before Enjoyment—that must be me. Before Injoyment— Ay, ay, ‘tis I—I see a little Prolonging a Woman’s Joy, sets an Edge upon her Appetite. [Merrily.
Let. What means my Dear? shall we not haste away?
SirFeeb. Haste away! there ‘tis again—No—’tis not me she means: what, at your Tricks and Intrigues already?—Yes, yes, I am destin’d a Cuckold—
Let. Say, am I not your Wife? can you deny me?
SirFeeb. Wife! adod, ‘tis I she means—’tis I she means—[Merrily.
Let. OhBellmour, Bellmour.
[_SirFeeb. starts back from her hands_.
SirFeeb. Hum—what’s that—Bellmour!
Let. Hah! SirFeeble!—he would not, Sir, have us’d me thus unkindly.
SirFeeb. Oh—I’m glad ‘tis no worse—Bellmour, quoth a! I thought the Ghost was come again.
Phil. Why did you not speak, Sir, all this while?—my Lady weeps with your Unkindness.
SirFeeb. I did but hold my peace, to hear how prettily she prattled Love: But, fags, you are naught to think of a young Fellow—ads bobs, you are now.
Let. I only say—he wou’d not have been so unkind to me.
SirFeeb. But what makes ye out at this Hour, and with these Jewels?
Phil. Alas, Sir, we thought the City was in Arms, and packt up our things to secure ‘em, if there had been a necessity for Flight. For had they come to plundering once, they wou’d have begun with the rich Aldermen’s Wives, you know, Sir.
SirFeeb. Ads bobs, and so they would—but there was no Arms, norMutiny—where’sFrancis?
Bel. Here, Sir.
SirFeeb. Here, Sir—why, what a story you made of a Meeting in the Hall, and—Arms, and—a—the Devil of any thing was stirring, but a couple of old Fools, that sat gaping and waiting for one another’s business—
Bel. Such a Message was brought me, Sir.
SirFeeb. Brought! thou’rt an Ass,Francis—but no more—come, come, let’s to bed—
Let. To Bed, Sir! what, by Day-light?—for that’s hasting on—I wou’d not for the World—the Night wou’d hide my Blushes—but the Day—wou’d let me see my self in your Embraces.
SirFeeb. Embraces, in a Fiddlestick; why, are we not married?
Let. ‘Tis true, Sir, and Time will make me more familiar with you, but yet my Virgin Modesty forbids it. I’ll toDiana’sChamber, the Night will come again.
SirFeeb. For once you shall prevail; and this damn’d Jant has pretty well mortified me:—a Pox of your Mutiny,Francis.—Come, I’ll conduct thee toDiana, and lock thee in, that I may have thee safe, Rogue.—
We’ll give young Wenches leave to whine and blush, And fly those Blessings which—ads bobs, they wish.
[Exeunt.
Enter LadyFulbank, Gaymanfine, gently pulling her back by the hand; andRalphmeets ‘em.
L.Ful. How now,Ralph—Let your Lady know I am come to wait on her.
[_Exit _Ralph.
Gay. Oh, why this needless Visit—Your Husband’s safe, at least till Evening safe.Why will you not go back,And give me one soft hour, though to torment me?
L.Ful. You are at leisure now, I thank you, Sir.Last Night when I with all Love’s Rhetorick pleaded,And Heaven knows what last Night might have produced,You were engag’d! False Man, I do believe it,And I am satisfied you love me not.[Walks away in scorn.
Gay. Not love you!Why do I waste my Youth in vain pursuit,Neglecting Interest, and despising Power?Unheeding and despising other Beauties.Why at your feet are all my Fortunes laid,And why does all my Fate depend on you?
L.Ful. I’ll not consider why you play the Fool,Present me Rings and Bracelets; why pursue me;Why watch whole Nights before my senseless Door,And take such Pains to shew your self a Coxcomb.
Gay. Oh! why all this?By all the Powers above, by this dear Hand,And by this Ring, which on this Hand I place,On which I’ve sworn Fidelity to Love;I never had a Wish or soft DesireTo any other Woman,SinceJuliasway’d the Empire of my Soul.
L.Ful. Hah, my own Ring I gave him last night. [Aside.—Your Jewel, Sir, is rich:Why do you part with things of so much value,So easily, and so frequently?
Gay. To strengthen the weak Arguments of Love.
L.Ful. And leave your self undone?
Gay. Impossible, if I am blest withJulia.
L.Ful. Love’s a thin Diet, nor will keep out Cold.You cannot satisfy your Dunning Taylor,To cry—I am in Love!Though possible you may your Seamstress.
Gay. Does ought about me speak such Poverty?
L.Ful. I am sorry that it does not, since to maintainThis Gallantry, ‘tis said you use base means,Below a Gentleman.
Gay. Who dares but to imagine it’s a Rascal, A Slave, below a beating—what means myJulia?
L.Ful. No more dissembling, I know your Land is gone—I know each Circumstance of all your Wants;Therefore—as e’er you hope that I should love you ever—Tell me—where ‘twas you got this Jewel, Sir.
Gay. Hah—I hope ‘tis no stol’n Goods; [Aside. Why on the sudden all this nice examining?
L.Ful. You trifle with me, and I’ll plead no more.
Gay. Stay—why—I bought it, Madam—
L.Ful. Where had you Money, Sir? You see I amNo Stranger to your Poverty.
Gay. This is strange—perhaps it is a secret.
L.Ful. So is my Love, which shall be kept from you. [Offers to go.
Gay. Stay,Julia—your Will shall be obey’d, [Sighing. Though I had rather die than be obedient, Because I know you’ll hate me when ‘tis told.
L.Ful. By all my Vows, let it be what it will,It ne’er shall alter me from loving you.
Gay. I have—of late—been tempted— With Presents, Jewels, and large Sums of Gold.
L.Ful. Tempted! by whom?
Gay. The Devil, for ought I know.
L.Ful. Defend me, Heaven! the Devil?I hope you have not made a Contract with him.
Gay. No, though in the Shape of Woman it appear’d.
L.Ful. Where met you with it?
Gay. By Magick Art I was conducted—I know not how,To an inchanted Palace in the Clouds,Where I was so attended—Young dancing, singing Fiends innumerable.
L.Ful. Imagination all!
Gay. But for the amorous Devil, the oldProserpine.—
L.Ful. Ay, she—what said she?—
Gay. Not a word: Heaven be prais’d, she was a silent Devil—but she was laid in a Pavilion, all form’d of gilded Clouds, which hung by Geometry, whither I was conveyed, after much Ceremony, and laid in Bed with her; where with much ado, and trembling with my Fears—I forc’d my Arms about her.
L.Ful. And sure that undeceiv’d him. [Aside.
Gay. But such a Carcase ‘twas—deliver me—so rivell’d, lean and rough—a Canvas Bag of wooden Ladles were a better Bed-fellow.
L.Ful. Now though I know that nothing is more distant than I from such a Monster—yet this angers me. Death! cou’d you love me and submit to this?
Gay. ‘Twas that first drew me in—The tempting Hope of Means to conquer you,Wou’d put me upon any dangerous Enterprize:Were I the Lord of all the Universe,I am so lost in Love,For one dear Night to clasp you in my Arms,I’d lavish all that World—then die with Joy.
L.Ful. ‘Slife, after all to seem deform’d, old, ugly—[Walking in a fret.
Gay. I knew you would be angry when you heard it.[He pursues her in a submissive posture.
Enter SirCautious, Bearjest, NoiseyandBredwel.
SirCau. How, what’s here?—my Lady with the Spark that courted her last Night?—hum—with her again so soon?—Well, this Impudence and Importunity undoes more City-Wives than all their unmerciful Finery.
Gay. But, Madam—
L.Ful. Oh, here’s my Husband—you’d best tell him your Story—what makes him here so soon?— [Angry.
SirCau. Me his Story! I hope he will not tell me he’as a mind to cuckold me.
Gay. A Devil on him, what shall I say to him?
L.Ful. What, so excellent at Intrigues, and so dull at an Excuse? [Aside.
Gay. Yes, Madam, I shall tell him—
_Enter _Bellmour.
L.Ful.—Is my Lady at leisure for a Visit, Sir?
Bel. Always to receive your Ladyship.
[She goes out.
SirCau. With me, Sir, wou’d you speak?
Gay. With you, Sir, if your name beFulbank.
SirCau. PlainFulbank! methinks you might have had a Sirreverence, under your Girdle, Sir; I am honoured with another Title, Sir— [Goes talking to the rest.
Gay. With many, Sir, that very well become you— [Pulls him a little aside. I’ve something to deliver to your Ear.
SirCau. So, I’ll be hang’d if he do not tell me, I’m a Cuckold now: I see it in his Eyes. My Ear, Sir! I’d have you to know I scorn any man’s secrets, Sir;—for ought I know you may whisper Treason to me, Sir. Pox on him, how handsom he is, I hate the sight of the young Stallion. [Aside.
Gay. I wou’d not be so uncivil, Sir, before all this Company.
SirCau. Uncivil! Ay, ay, ‘tis so, he cannot be content to cuckold, but he must tell me so too.
Gay. But since you will have it, Sir—you are—a Rascal—a most notorious Villain, Sir, d’ye hear—
SirCau. Yes, yes, I do hear—and am glad ‘tis no worse. [Laughing.
Gay. Griping as Hell—and as insatiable—worse than a Brokering Jew, not all the Twelve Tribes harbour such a damn’d Extortioner.
SirCau. Pray, under favour, Sir, who are you?[Pulling off his Hat.
Gay. One whom thou hast undone—
SirCau. Hum—I’m glad of that however. [Aside smiling.
Gay. Racking me up to a starving Want and Misery, Then took advantages to ruin me.
SirCau. So, and he’d revenge it on my Wife— [Aside smiling.
Gay. Do not you know oneWasteall, Sir?
EnterRalphwith Wine, sets it on a Table.
SirCau.Wasteall—ha, ha, ha,—if you are any Friend to that poor Fellow—you may return and tell him, Sir—d’ye hear—that the Mortgage of two hundred pound a Year is this day out, and I’ll not bait him an hour, Sir—ha, ha, ha,—what, do you think to hector civil Magistrates?
Gay. Very well, Sir, and is this your Conscience?
SirCau. Conscience! what do you tell me of Conscience? Why, what a noise is here—as if the undoing a young Heir were such a Wonder; ods so I’ve undone a hundred without, half this ado.
Gay. I do believe thee—and am come to tell you—I’ll be none of that Number—for this Minute I’ll go and redeem it—and free myself from the Hell of your Indentures.
SirCau. How, redeem it! sure the Devil must help him then.—Stay,Sir—stay—Lord, Sir, what need you put your self to that trouble? yourLand is in safe hands, Sir; come, come, sit down—and let us take aGlass of Wine together, Sir—
Bel. Sir, my service to you. [Drinks to him.
Gay. Your Servant, Sir. Wou’d I cou’d come to speak toBellmour, which I dare not do in publick, lest I betray him. I long to be resolv’d where ‘twas SirFeeblewas last night—if it were he—by which I might find out my invisible Mistress.
Noi. Noble Mr.Wasteall— [Salutes him, so doesBearjest.
Bel. Will you please to sit, Sir?
Gay. I have a little business, Sir—but anon I’ll wait on you—your Servant, Gentlemen—I’ll toCrapthe Scrivener’s. [Goes out.
SirCau. Do you know thisWasteall, Sir?— [ToNoisey.
Noi. Know him, Sir! ay, too well—
Bea. The World’s well amended with him, Captain, since I lost my Money to him and you at theGeorgeinWhite-Fryers.
Noi. Ay, poor Fellow—he’s sometimes up, and sometimes down, as the Dice favour him—
Bea. Faith, and that’s pity; but how came he so fine o’th’ sudden? ’.was but last week he borrowed eighteen pence of me on his Waste-Belt to pay his Dinner in an Ordinary.
Bel. Were you so cruel, Sir, to take it?
Noi. We are not all one Man’s Children; faith, Sir, we are here to Day, and gone to Morrow—
SirCau. I say ‘twas done like a wise Man, Sir; but under favour,Gentlemen, thisWasteallis a Rascal—
Noi. A very Rascal, Sir, and a most dangerous Fellow—he cullies in your Prentices and Cashiers to play—which ruins so many o’th’ young Fry i’th’ City—
SirCau. Hum—does he so—d’ye hear that,Edward?
Noi. Then he keeps a private Press, and prints yourAmsterdamandLeydenLibels.
SirCau. Ay, and makes ‘em too, I’ll warrant him; a dangerous Fellow—
Noi. Sometimes he begs for a lame Soldier with a wooden Leg.
Bea. Sometimes as a blind Man, sells Switches inNew-MarketRoad.
Noi. At other times he runs the Country like a Gipsey—tells Fortunes and robs Hedges, when he’s out of Linen.
SirCau. Tells Fortunes too!—nay, I thought he dealt with the Devil —Well, Gentlemen, you are all wide o’ this Matter—for to tell you the Truth—he deals with the Devil, Gentlemen —otherwise he could never have redeem’d his Land. [Aside.
Bel. How, Sir, the Devil!
SirCau. I say the Devil; Heaven bless every wise Man from the Devil.
Bea. The Devil, sha! there’s no such Animal in Nature; I rather think he pads.
Noi. Oh, Sir, he has not Courage for that—but he’s an admirable Fellow at your Lock.
SirCau. Lock! My Study-Lock was pickt—I begin to suspect him—
Bea. I saw him once open a Lock with the Bone of a Breast of Mutton, and break an Iron Bar asunder with the Eye of a Needle.
SirCau. Prodigious!—well, I say the Devil still.
Enter SirFeeble.
SirFeeb. Who’s this talks of the Devil?—a Pox of the Devil, I say, this last night’s Devil has so haunted me—
SirCau. Why, have you seen it since, Brother?
SirFeeb. In Imagination, Sir.
Bel. How, Sir, a Devil?
SirFeeb. Ay, or a Ghost.
Bel. Where, good Sir?
Bea. Ay, where? I’d travel a hundred Mile to see a Ghost—
Bel. Sure, Sir, ‘twas Fancy.
SirFeeb. If ‘twere a Fancy, ‘twas a strong one; and Ghosts and Fancy are all one if they can deceive. I tell you—if ever I thought in my Life—I thought I saw a Ghost—Ay, and a damnable impudent Ghost too; he said he was a—a Fellow here—they callBellmour.
Bel. How, Sir!
Bea. Well, I wou’d give the world to see the Devil, provided he were a civil affable Devil, such an one asWasteall’sAcquaintance is—
SirCau. He can show him too soon, it may be. I’m sure as civil as he is, he helps him to steal my Gold, I doubt—and to be sure—Gentlemen, you say he’s a Gamester—I desire when he comes anon, that you wou’d propose to sport a Dye, or so—and we’ll fall to play for a Teaster, or the like—and if he sets any money, I shall go near to know my own Gold, by some remarkable Pieces amongst it; and if he have it, I’ll hang him, and then all his six hundred a Year will be my own, which I have in Mortgage.
Bea. Let the Captain and I alone to top upon him—mean time, Sir, I have brought my Musick, to entertain my Mistress with a Song.
SirFeeb. Take your own methods, Sir—they are at leisure—while we go drink their Healths within. Adod, I long for night, we are not half in kelter, this damn’d Ghost will not out of my Head yet.
[Exeunt all butBellmour.
Bel. Hah—a Ghost! what can he mean? A Ghost, andBellmour’s!—Sure my good Angel, or my Genius,In pity of my Love, and ofLeticia—But seeLeticiacomes, but still attended—
EnterLeticia,LadyFulbank, Diana.
—Remember—oh, remember to be true?[Aside to her, passing by goes out.
L.Ful. I was sick to know with what Christian Patience you bore theMartyrdom of this Night.
Let. As those condemn’d bear the last Hour of Life. A short Reprieve I had—and by a kind Mistake,Dianaonly was my Bedfellow— [Weeps.
Dia. And I wish for your Repose you ne’er had seen my Father. [Weeps.
Let. And so do I, I fear he has undone me—
Dia. And me, in breaking of his word withBredwel—
L.Ful.—So—asTrincolosays, wou’d you were both hang’d for me, for putting me in mind of my Husband. For I have e’en no better luck than either of you—Let our two Fates warn your approaching one: I love youngBredweland must plead for him.
Dia. I know his Virtue justifies my Choice: But Pride and Modesty forbids I shou’d unlov’d pursue him.
Let. Wrong not my Brother so, who dies for you—
Dia. Cou’d he so easily see me given away,Without a Sigh at parting?For all the day a Calm was in his Eyes,And unconcern’d he look’d and talk’d to me;In dancing never prest my willing Hand,Nor with a scornful Glance reproach’d my Falshood.
Let. Believe me, that Dissembling was his Master-piece.
Dia. Why should he fear, did not my Father promise him?
Let. Ay, that was in his wooing time to me: But now ‘tis all forgotten— [Musick at the door.
After which enterBearjestandBredwel.
L.Ful. How now, Cousin! Is this high piece of Gallantry from you?
Bea. Ay, Madam, I have not travel’d for nothing—
L.Ful. I find my Cousin is resolv’d to conquer, he assails with all his Artillery of Charms; we’ll leave him to his success, Madam.—
[Ex. Leticiaand L. Fulbank.
Bea. Oh Lord, Madam, you oblige me—look,Ned, you had a mind to have a full view of my Mistress, Sir, and—here she is. [He stands gazing. Go, salute her—look how he stands now; what a sneaking thing is a Fellow who has never travel’d and seen the World!—Madam—this is a very honest Friend of mine, for all he looks so simply.
Dia. Come, he speaks for you, Sir.
Bea. He, Madam! though he be but a Banker’s Prentice, Madam, he’s as pretty a Fellow of his Inches as any i’th’ City—he has made love in Dancing-Schools, and to Ladies of Quality in the middle Gallery, and shall joke ye—and repartee with any Fore-man within the Walls—prithee to her—and commend me, I’ll give thee a new Point Crevat.
Dia. He looks as if he cou’d not speak to me.
Bea. Not speak to you! yes, Gad, Madam, and do any thing to you too.
Dia. Are you his Advocate, Sir? [In scorn.
Bea. For want of a better— [Stands behind him, pushing him on.
Bred. An Advocate for Love I am, And bring you such a Message from a Heart—
Bea. Meaning mine, dear Madam.
Bred. That when you hear it, you will pity it.
Bea. Or the Devil’s in her—
Dia. Sir, I have many Reasons to believe, It is my Fortune you pursue, not Person.
Bea. There is something in that, I must confess. [Behind him. But say what you will,Ned.
Bred. May all the Mischiefs of despairing Love Fall on me if it be.
Bea. That’s well enough—
Bred. No, were you born an humble Village-Maid,That fed a Flock upon the neighbouring Plain;With all that shining Vertue in your Soul,By Heaven, I wou’d adore you—love you—wed you—Though the gay World were lost by such a Nuptial.[Bear.looks on him.—This—I wou’d do, were I my Friend the Squire[Recollecting.
Bea. Ay, if you were me—you might do what you pleas’d; but I’m of another mind.
Dia. Shou’d I consent, my Father is a Man whom Interest sways, not Honour; and whatsoever Promises he ‘as made you, he means to break ‘em all, and I am destin’d to another.
Bea. How, another—his Name, his Name, Madam—here’sNedand I fear ne’er a single Man i’th’ Nation, What is he—what is he?—
Dia. A Fop, a Fool, a beaten Ass—a Blockhead.
Bea. What a damn’d Shame’s this, that Women shou’d be sacrificed toFools, and Fops must run away with Heiresses—whilst we Men of Wit andParts dress and dance, and cock and travel for nothing but to be tameKeepers.
Dia. But I, by Heaven, will never be that Victim: But where my Soul is vow’d, ‘tis fix’d for ever.
Bred. Are you resolv’d, are you confirm’d in this? Oh myDiana, speak it o’er again. [Runs to her, and embraces her. Bless me, and make me happier than a Monarch.
Bea. Hold, hold, dearNed—that’s my part, I take it.
Bred. Your Pardon, Sir, I had forgot my self. —But time is short—what’s to be done in this?
Bea. Done! I’ll enter the House with Fire and Sword, d’ye see, not that I care this—but I’ll not be fob’d off—what, do they take me for a Fool—an Ass?
Bred. Madam, dare you run the risk of your Father’s Displeasure, and run away with the Man you love?
Dia. With all my Soul—
Bea. That’s hearty—and we’ll do it—Nedand I here—and I love an Amour with an Adventure in’t likeAmadis de Gaul—Harkye,Ned, get a Coach and six ready to night when ‘tis dark, at the back Gate—
Bred. And I’ll get a Parson ready in my Lodging, to which I have a Key through the Garden, by which we may pass unseen.
Bea. Good—Mun, here’s Company—
EnterGaymanwith his Hat and Money in’t, SirCautiousin a rage, SirFeeble,LadyFulbank, Leticia,CaptainNoisey, Bellmour.
SirCau. A hundred Pound lost already! Oh Coxcomb, old Coxcomb, and a wise Coxcomb—to turn Prodigal at my Years, why, I was bewitcht!
SirFeeb. Shaw, ‘twas a Frolick, Sir, I have lost a hundred Pound as well as you. My Lady has lost, and your Lady has lost, and the rest— what, old Cows will kick sometimes, what’s a hundred Pound?
SirCau. A hundred Pound! why, ‘tis a sum, Sir—a sum—why, what theDevil did I do with a Box and Dice!
L.Ful. Why, you made a shift to lose, Sir? And where’s the harm of that? We have lost, and he has won; anon it may be your Fortune.
SirCau. Ay, but he could never do it fairly, that’s certain. Three hundred Pound! why, how came you to win so unmercifully, Sir?
Gay. Oh, the Devil will not lose a Gamester of me, you see, Sir.
SirCau. The Devil!—mark that, Gentlemen—
Bea. The Rogue has damn’d luck sure, he has got a Fly—
SirCau. And can you have the Conscience to carry away all our Money,Sir?
Gay. Most assuredly, unless you have the courage to retrieve it. I’ll set it at a Throw, or any way: what say you, Gentlemen?
SirFeeb. Ods bobs, you young Fellows are too hard for us every way, and I’m engag’d at an old Game with a new Gamester here, who will require all an old Man’s stock.
L.Ful. Come, Cousin, will you venture a Guinea? Come, Mr.Bredwel.
Gay. Well, if no body dare venture on me, I’ll send away my Cash—
[They all go to play at the Table, but SirCau.SirFeeb.andGay.
SirCau. Hum—must it all go?—a rare sum, if a Man were but sure theDevil wou’d but stand Neuter now— [Aside.—Sir, I wish I had any thing but ready Money to stake: three hundredPound—a fine Sum!
Gay. You have Moveables, Sir, Goods—Commodities—
SirCau. That’s all one, Sir; that’s Money’s worth, Sir: but if I had any thing that were worth nothing—
Gay. You wou’d venture it,—I thank you, Sir,—I wou’d your Lady were worth nothing—
SirCau. Why, so, Sir?
Gay. Then I wou’d set all this against that Nothing.
SirCau. What, set it against my Wife?
Gay. Wife, Sir! ay, your Wife—
SirCau. Hum, my Wife against three hundred Pounds! What, all my Wife,Sir?
Gay. All your Wife! Why, Sir, some part of her wou’d serve my turn.
SirCau. Hum—my Wife—why, if I shou’d lose, he cou’d not have theImpudence to take her. [Aside.
Gay. Well, I find you are not for the Bargain, and so I put up—
SirCau. Hold, Sir—why so hasty—my Wife? no—put up your Money,Sir—what, lose my Wife for three hundred Pounds!—
Gay. Lose her, Sir!—why, she shall be never the worse for my wearing, Sir—the old covetous Rogue is considering on’t, I think—What say you to a Night? I’ll set it to a Night—there’s none need know it, Sir.
SirCau. Hum—a Night!—three hundred Pounds for a Night! why, what a lavish Whore-master’s this! We take Money to marry our Wives, but very seldom part with ‘em, and by the Bargain get Money—For a Night, say you?—Gad, if I shou’d take the Rogue at his word, ‘twou’d be a pure Jest. [Aside.
SirFeeb. You are not mad, Brother.
SirCau. No, but I’m wise—and that’s as good; let me consider.—
SirFeeb. What, whether you shall be a Cuckold or not?
SirCau. Or lose three hundred Pounds—consider that. A Cuckold!—why, ’.is a word—an empty sound—’tis Breath—’tis Air—’tis nothing:—but three hundred Pounds—Lord, what will not three hundred Pounds do? You may chance to be a Cuckold for nothing, Sir—
SirFeeb. It may be so—but she shall do’t discretly then.
SirCau. Under favour, you’re an Ass, Brother; this is the discreetest way of doing it, I take it.
SirFeeb. But wou’d a wise man expose his Wife?
SirCau. Why,Catowas a wiser Man than I, and he lent his Wife to a young Fellow they call’dHortensius, as Story says; and can a wise Man have a better Precedent thanCato?
SirFeeb. I say,Catowas an Ass, Sir, for obliging any young Rogue of ’.m all.
SirCau. But I am ofCato’smind. Well, a single Night you say.
Gay. A single Night—to have—to hold—possess—and so forth, at discretion.
SirCau. A Night—I shall have her safe and sound i’th’ Morning.
SirFeeb. Safe, no doubt on’t—but how sound.—
Gay. And for Non-performance, you shall pay me three hundred Pounds, I’ll forfeit as much if I tell—
SirCau. Tell?—why, make your three hundred pounds six hundred, and let it be put into theGazet, if you will, Man.—But it’s a Bargain?
Gay. Done—Sir Feeble shall be witness—and there stands my Hat.
[Puts down his Hat of Money, and each of em take a Box and Dice, and kneel on the Stage, the rest come about ‘em.
SirCau. He that comes first to One and thirty wins—
[They throw and count.
L.Ful. What are you playing for?
SirFeeb. Nothing, nothing—but a Trial of Skill between an old Man and a Young—and your Ladyship is to be Judge.
L.Ful. I shall be partial, Sir.
SirCau. Six and five’s Eleven— [Throws, and pulls the Hat towards him.
Gay. Cater Tray—Pox of the Dice—
SirCau. Two fives—one and twenty— [Sets up, pulls the Hat nearer.
Gay. Now, Luck—Doublets of sixes—nineteen.
SirCau. Five and four—thirty—[Draws the Hat to him.
SirFeeb. Now if he wins it, I’ll swear he has a Fly indeed—’tis impossible without Doublets of sixes—
Gay, Now Fortune smile—and for the future frown. [Throws.
SirCau.—Hum—two sixes—[Rises and looks dolefully round.
L.Ful. How now? what’s the matter you look so like an Ass, what have you lost?
SirCau. A Bauble—a Bauble—’tis not for what I’ve lost—but becauseI have not won—
SirFeeb. You look very simple, Sir—what think you ofCatonow?
SirCau. A wise Man may have his failings—
L.Ful. What has my Husband lost?—
SirCau. Only a small parcel of Ware that lay dead upon my hands,Sweet-heart.
Gay. But I shall improve ‘em, Madam, I’ll warrant you.
L.Ful. Well, since ‘tis no worse, bring in your fine Dancer,Cousin, you say you brought to entertain your Mistress with.
[Bearjestgoes out.
Gay. Sir, you’ll take care to see me paid to Night?
SirCau. Well, Sir—but my Lady, you must know, Sir, has the common frailties of her Sex, and will refuse what she even longs for, if persuaded to’t by me.
Gay. ‘Tis not in my Bargain to sollicit her, Sir, you are to procure her—or three hundred pounds, Sir; chuse you whether.
SirCau. Procure her! with all my soul, Sir; alas, you mistake my honest meaning, I scorn to be so unjust as not to see you a-bed together; and then agree as well as you can, I have done my part—In order to this, Sir—get but your self conveyed in a Chest to my house, with a Direction upon’t for me; and for the rest—
Gay. I understand you.
SirFeeb.Ralph, get supper ready.
EnterBea.with Dancers; all go out but SirCautious.
SirCau. Well, I must break my Mind, if possible, to my Lady—but if she shou’d be refractory now—and make me pay Three hundred Pounds—why, sure she won’t have so little Grace—Three hundred Pounds sav’d, is three hundred pounds got—by our account—Cou’d All—
Who of this City-Privilege are free,Hope to be paid for Cuckoldom like me;Th’unthriving Merchant, whom gray Hair adorns,Before all Ventures wou’d ensure his Horns;For thus, while he but lets spare Rooms to hire,His Wife’s cracked Credit keeps his own entire.
[Exit.
EnterBellmouralone, sad.
Bel. The Night is come, oh myLeticia!The longing Bridegroom hastens to his Bed;Whilst she with all the languishment of Love,And sad Despair, casts her fair Eyes on me,Which silently implore, I would deliver her.But how! ay, there’s the Question—hah— [Pausing.I’ll get my self hid in her Bed-chamber—And something I will do—may serve us yet—If all my Arts should fail—I’ll have recourse [Draws a dagger.To this—and bearLeticiaoff by force.—But see she comes—
Enter LadyFulbank,SirCautious,SirFeeble,Leticia, Bearjest, Noisey, Gayman.ExitBellmour.
SirFeeb. Lights there,Ralph.And my Lady’s Coach there—
[Bearjestgoes toGayman.
Bea. Well, Sir, remember you have promised to grant me my diabolical Request, in shewing me the Devil—
Gay. I will not fail you, Sir.
L.Ful. Madam, your Servant; I hope you’ll see no more Ghosts, SirFeeble.
SirFeeb. No more of that, I beseech you, Madam: Prithee, SirCautious, take away your Wife—Madam, your Servant— [All go out after the Light. —Come,Lette, Lette; hasten, Rogue, hasten to thy Chamber; away, here be the young Wenches coming— [Puts her out, he goes out.
EnterDiana,puts on her Hood and Scarf.
Dia. So—they are gone to Bed; and now forBredwel—the Coach waits, and I’ll take this opportunity.
Father, farewell—if you dislike my course,Blame the old rigid Customs of your Force.
[Goes out.
Enter SirFeeble, Leticia,andPhillis.
Let. Ah,Phillis! I am fainting with my Fears, Hast thou no comfort for me?
[He undresses to his Gown.
SirFeeb. Why, what art doing there—fiddle fadling—adod, you young Wenches are so loth to come to—but when your hand’s in, you have no mercy upon us poor Husbands.
Let. Why do you talk so, Sir?
SirFeeb. Was it anger’d at the Fool’s Prattle? tum a-me, tum a-me,I’ll undress it, effags, I will—Roguy.
Let. You are so wanton, Sir, you make me blush—I will not go to bed, unless you’ll promise me—
SirFeeb. No bargaining, my little Hussey—what, you’ll tie my hands behind me, will you? [She goes to the Table.
Let.—What shall I do?—assist me, gentle Maid, Thy Eyes methinks put on a little hope.
Phil. Take Courage, Madam—you guess right—be confident.
SirFeeb. No whispering, Gentlewoman—and putting Tricks into her head; that shall not cheat me of another Night—Look on that silly little round Chitty-face—look on those smiling roguish loving Eyes there—look—look how they laugh, twire, and tempt—he, Rogue—I’ll buss ‘em there, and here, and every where—ods bods—away, this is fooling and spoiling of a Man’s Stomach, with a bit here, and a bit there—to Bed—to Bed—
[As she is at the Toilet, he looks over her shoulder, and sees her Face in the Glass.
Let. Go you first, Sir, I will but stay to say my Prayers, which are that Heaven wou’d deliver me. [Aside.
SirFeeb. Say thy Prayers!—What, art thou mad! Prayers upon thy Wedding-night! a short Thanksgiving or so—but Prayers quoth a—’Sbobs, you’ll have time enough for that, I doubt—
Le. I am asham’d to undress before you, Sir; go to Bed—
SirFeeb. What, was it asham’d to shew its little white Foots, and its little round Bubbies—well, I’ll go, I’ll go—I cannot think on’t, no I cannot—
[Going towards the Bed, Bellmourcomes forth from between the Curtains, his Coat off, his Shirt bloody, a Dagger in his hand, and his Disguise off.
Bel. Stand—
SirFeeb. Ah—
Let. andPhil. [squeak]—Oh, Heavens! —why, is itBellmour? [Aside toPhil.
Bel. Go not to Bed, I guard this sacred Place, And the Adulterer dies that enters here.
SirFeeb. Oh—why do I shake?—sure I’m a Man, what art thou?
Bel. I am the wrong’d, the lost and murder’dBellmour.
SirFeeb. O Lord! it is the same I saw last night—Oh!—hold thy dread Vengeance—pity me, and hear me—Oh! a Parson—a Parson—what shall I do—Oh! where shall I hide my self?
Bel. I’th’ utmost Borders of the Earth I’ll find thee—Seas shall not hide thee, nor vast Mountains guard thee:Even in the depth of Hell I’ll find thee out,And lash thy filthy and adulterous Soul.
SirFeeb. Oh! I am dead, I’m dead; will no Repentence save me? ‘twas that young Eye that tempted me to sin; Oh!—
Bel. See, fair Seducer, what thou’st made me do;Look on this bleeding Wound, it reach’d my Heart,To pluck my dear tormenting Image thence,When News arriv’d that thou hadst broke thy Vow.
SirFeeb. Oh Lord! oh! I’m glad he’s dead though.
Let. Oh, hide that fatal Wound, my tender Heart faints with a Sight so horrid! [Seems to Weep.
SirFeeb. So, she’ll clear her self, and leave me in the Devil’sClutches.
Bel. You’ve both offended Heaven, and must repent or die.
SirFeeb. Ah,—I do confess I was an old Fool,—bewitcht with Beauty, besotted with Love, and do repent most heartily.
Bel. No, you had rather yet go on in Sin: Thou wou’dst live on, and be a baffled Cuckold.
SirFeeb. Oh, not for the World, Sir! I am convinc’d and mortifi’d.
Bel. Maintain her fine, undo thy Peace to please her, and still be Cuckol’d on,—believe her,—trust her, and be Cuckol’d still.
SirFeeb. I see my Folly—and my Age’s Dotage—and find the Devil was in me—yet spare my Age—ah! spare me to repent.
Bel. If thou repent’st, renounce her, fly her sight;—Shun her bewitching Charms, as thou wou’dst Hell,Those dark eternal Mansions of the dead—Whither I must descend.
SirFeeb. Oh—wou’d he were gone!—
Bel. Fly—be gone—depart, vanish for ever from her to some more safe and innocent Apartment.
SirFeeb. Oh, that’s very hard!—
[He goes back trembling, Bellmourfollows in with his Dagger up; both go out.
Let. Blest be this kind Release, and yet methinks it grieves me to consider how the poor old Man is frighted.
[Bellmourre-enters, puts on his Coat.
Bel.—He’s gone, and lock’d himself into his Chamber— And now, my dearLeticia, let us fly—
Despair till now did my wild Heart invade,But pitying Love has the rough Storm allay’d.
[Exeunt.
Enter two Porters andRag,bearingGaymanin a Chest; set it down, he comes forth with a Dark-lanthorn.
Gay. Set down the Chest behind yon hedge of Roses—and then put on those Shapes I have appointed you—and be sure you well-favour’dly bang bothBearjestandNoisey, since they have a mind to see the Devil.
Rag. Oh, Sir, leave ‘em to us for that; and if we do not play the Devil with ‘em, we deserve they shou’d beat us. But, Sir, we are in SirCautioushis Garden, will he not sue us for a Trespass?
Gay. I’ll bear you out; be ready at my Call.
[Exeunt.
—Let me see—I have got no ready stuff to banter with—but no matter, any Gibberish will serve the Fools—’tis now about the hour of Ten—but Twelve is my appointed lucky Minute, when all the Blessings that my Soul could wish, shall be resign’d to me.
EnterBredwel.
—Hah! who’s there?Bredwel?
Bred. Oh, are you come, Sir—and can you be so kind to a poor Youth, to favour his Designs, and bless his Days?
Gay. Yes, I am ready here with all my Devils, both to secure you your Mistress, and to cudgel your Captain and Squire, for abusing me behind my Back so basely.
Bred. ‘Twas most unmanly, Sir, and they deserve it—I wonder that they come not.
Gay. How durst you trust her with him?
Bred. Because ‘tis dangerous to steal a City-Heiress, and let the Theft be his—so the dear Maid be mine—Hark—sure they come—
EnterBearjest,runs againstBredwel.
—Who’s there? Mr.Bearjest?
Bea. Who’s that?Ned? Well, I have brought my Mistress, hast thou got a Parson ready, and a License?
Bred. Ay, ay, but where’s the Lady?
Bea. In the Coach, with the Captain at the Gate. I came before, to see if the Coast be clear.
Bred. Ay, Sir; but what shall we do? here’s Mr.Gaymancome on purpose to shew you the Devil, as you desir’d.
Bea. Sho! a Pox of the Devil, Man—I can’t attend to speak with him now.
Gay. How, Sir! D’ye think my Devil of so little Quality, to suffer an Affront unrevenged?
Bea. Sir, I cry his Devilship’s Pardon: I did not know his Quality. I protest, Sir, I love and honour him, but I am now just going to be married, Sir; and when that Ceremony’s past, I’m ready to go to the Devil as soon as you please.
Gay. I have told him your Desire of seeing him, and shou’d you baffle him?
Bea. Who, I, Sir! Pray, let his Worship know, I shall be proud of the Honour of his Acquaintance; but, Sir, my Mistress and the Parson wait inNed’sChamber.
Gay. If all the World wait, Sir, the Prince of Hell will stay for no Man.
Bred. Oh, Sir, rather than the Prince of the Infernals shall be affronted, I’ll conduct the Lady up, and entertain her till you come, Sir.
Bea. Nay, I have a great mind to kiss his—Paw, Sir; but I cou’d wish you’d shew him me by day-light, Sir.
Gay. The Prince of Darkness does abhor the Light. But, Sir, I will for once allow your Friend the Captain to keep you company.
EnterNoiseyandDiana.
Bea. I’m much oblig’d to you, Sir; oh, Captain— [Talks to him.
Bred. Haste, Dear; the Parson waits, To finish what the Powers design’d above.
Dia. Sure nothing is so bold as Maids in Love! [They go out.
Noi. Psho! he conjure—he can flie as soon.
Gay. Gentlemen, you must be sure to confine your selves to this Circle, and have a care you neither swear, nor pray.
Bea. Pray, Sir! I dare say neither of us were ever that way gifted.
A horrid Noise.
Gay.
Cease your Horror, cease your Haste.And calmly as I saw you last,Appear! Appear!By thy Pearls and Diamond Rocks,By thy heavy Money-Box,By thy shining Petticoat,That hid thy cloven Feet from Note;By the Veil that hid thy Face,Which else had frighten’d humane Race:[Soft Musick ceases.Appear, that I thy Love may see,Appear, kind Fiends, appear to me.
A Pox of these Rascals, why come they not?
Four enter from the four corners of the Stage, to Musick that plays; they dance, and in the Dance, dance round ‘em, and kick, pinch, and beat ‘em.
Bea. Oh, enough, enough! Good Sir, lay ‘em, and I’ll pay the Musick—
Gay. I wonder at it—these Spirits are in their Nature kind, and peaceable—but you have basely injur’d some body—confess, and they will be satisfied—
Bea. Oh, good Sir, take yourCerberusesoff—I do confess, the Captain here, and I have violated your Fame.
Noi. Abus’d you,—and traduc’d you,—and thus we beg your pardon—
Gay. Abus’d me! ‘Tis more than I know, Gentlemen.
Bea. But it seems your Friend the Devil does.
Gay. By this timeBredwel’smarried. —GreatPantamogan, hold, for I am satisfied, [Ex. Devils. And thus undo my Charm— [Takes away the Circle, they run out. So, the Fools are going, and now toJulia’sArms.
[Going.
She discover’d undrest at her Glass; SirCautiousundrest.
L.Ful. But why to Night? indeed you’re wondrous kind methinks.
SirCau. Why, I don’t know—a Wedding is a sort of an Alarm to Love; it calls up every Man’s courage.
L.Ful. Ay, but will it come when ‘tis call’d?
SirCau. I doubt you’ll find it to my Grief— [Aside. —But I think ‘tis all one to thee, thou car’st not for my Complement; no, thou’dst rather have a young Fellow.
L.Ful. I am not us’d to flatter much; if forty Years were taken from your Age, ‘twou’d render you something more agreeable to my Bed, I must confess.
SirCau. Ay, ay, no doubt on’t.
L.Ful. Yet you may take my word without an Oath,Were you as old as Time, and I were young and gayAsAprilFlowers, which all are fond to gather;My Beauties all should wither in the Shade,E’er I’d be worn in a dishonest Bosom.
SirCau. Ay, but you’re wondrous free methinks, sometimes, which gives shreud suspicions.
L.Ful. What, because I cannot simper, look demure,and justify my Honour, when none questions it?—Cry fie, and out upon the naughty Women,Because they please themselves—and so wou’d I.
SirCau. How, wou’d, what cuckold me?
L.Ful. Yes, if it pleas’d me better than Vertue, Sir.But I’ll not change my Freedom and my Humour,To purchase the dull Fame of being honest.
SirCau. Ay, but the World, the World—
L.Ful. I value not the Censures of the Croud.
SirCau. But I am old.
L.Ful. That’s your fault, Sir, not mine.
SirCau. But being so, if I shou’d be good-natur’d, and give thee leave to love discreetly—
L.Ful. I’d do’t without your leave, Sir.
SirCau. Do’t—what, cuckold me?
L.Ful. No, love discreetly, Sir, love as I ought, love honestly.
SirCau. What, in love with any body, but your own Husband?
L.Ful. Yes.
SirCau. Yes, quoth a—is that your loving as you ought?
L.Ful. We cannot help our Inclinations, Sir,No more than Time, or Light from coming on—But I can keep my Virtue, Sir, intire.
SirCau. What, I’ll warrant, this is your first Love,Gayman?
L.Ful. I’ll not deny that Truth, though even to you.
SirCau. Why, in consideration of my Age, and your Youth, I’d bear aConscience—provided you do things wisely.
L.Ful. Do what thing, Sir?
SirCau. You know what I mean—
L.Ful. Hah—I hope you wou’d not be a Cuckold, Sir.
SirCau. Why—truly in a civil way—or so.
L.Ful. There is but one way, Sir, to make me hate you;And that wou’d be tame suffering.
SirCau. Nay, and she be thereabouts, there’s no discovering.
L.Ful. But leave this fond discourse, and, if you must,Let us to Bed.
SirCau. Ay, ay, I did but try your Virtue, mun—dost think I was in earnest?
Enter Servant.
Serv. Sir, here’s a Chest directed to your Worship.
SirCau. Hum, ‘tisWasteall—now does my heart fail me—A Chest say you—to me—so late;—I’ll warrant it comes from SirNicholas Smuggle—some prohibited Goods that he has stoln the Custom of, and cheated his Majesty—Well, he’s an honest Man, bring it in—