ACT I.

ACT I.Scene I.A Roomin LadyKnowell’sHouse.EnterLucretiawithIsabella.Isab.’Tis much I owe to Fortune, my dearLucretia, for being so kind to make us Neighbours, where with Ease we may continually exchange our Souls and Thoughts without the attendance of a Coach, and those other little Formalities that make a Business of a Visit; it looks so like a Journey, I hate it.Lucr.Attendance is that Curse to Greatness that confines the Soul, and spoils good Humour; we are free whilst thus alone, and can laugh at the abominable Fopperies of this Town.Isab.And lament the numberless Impertinences wherewith they continually plague all young Women of Quality.Lucr.Yet these are the precious things our grave Parents still chuse out to make us happy with, and all for a filthy Jointure, the undeniable argument for our Slavery to Fools.Isab.Custom is unkind to our Sex, not to allow us free Choice; but we above all Creatures must be forced to endure the formal Recommendations of a Parent, and the more insupportable Addresses of an odious Fop; whilst the Obedient Daughter stands—thus—with her Hands pinn’d before her, a set Look, few Words, and a Mein that cries—Come marry me: out upon’t.Lucr.I perceive then, whatever your Father designs, you are resolv’d to love your own way.Isab.Thou mayst lay thy Maidenhead upon’t, and be sure of the Misfortune to win.Lucr.My BrotherLodwick’slike to be a happy Man then.Isab.Faith, my dearLodwickor no body in my heart, and I hope thou art as well resolv’d for my CousinLeander.Lucr.Here’s my Hand upon’t, I am; yet there’s something sticks upon my stomach, which you must know.Isab.Spare the Relation, for I have observ’d of late your Mother to have order’d her Eyes with some softness, her Mouth endeavouring to sweeten it self into Smiles and Dimples, as if she meant to recal Fifteen again, and gave it all toLeander, for at him she throws her Darts.Lucr.Is’t possible thou should’st have perceived it already?Isab.Long since.Lucr.And now I begin to love him, ’twould vex me to see my Mother marry him—well, I shall never call him Father.Isab.He’ll take care to give himself a better Title.Lucr.ThisDevonshireKnight too, who is recommended to my Mother as a fit Husband for me, I shall be so tormented with—My Brother swears he’s the pertest, most unsufferable Fool he ever saw; when he was at my Uncle’s last Summer, he made all his Diversion.Isab.Prithee let him make ours now, for of all Fops your Country Fop is the most tolerable Animal; those of the Town are the most unmanagable Beasts in Nature.Lucr.And are the most noisy, keeping Fops.Isab.Keeping begins to be as ridiculous as Matrimony, and is a greater Imposition upon the Liberty of Man; the Insolence and Expence of their Mistresses has almost tir’d out all but the Old and Doting part of Mankind: The rest begin to know their value, and set a price upon a good Shape, a tolerable Face and Mein:—and some there are who have made excellent Bargains for themselves that way, and will flatter ye and jilt ye an Antiquated Lady as artfully as the most experienc’d Miss of ’em all.Lucr.Lord, Lord! what will this World come to?—but this Mother of mine—Isabella.Sighs.Isab.Is discreet and virtuous enough, a little too affected, as being the most learned of her Sex.Lucr.Methinks to be read in the Arts, as they call ’em, is the peculiar Province of the other Sex.Isab.Indeed the Men would have us think so, and boast their Learning and Languages; but if they can find any of our Sex fuller of Words, and to so little purpose as some of their Gownmen, I’ll be content to change my Petticoats for Pantaloons, and go to a Grammar-school.Lucr.Oh, they’re the greatest Babelards in Nature.Isab.They call us easy and fond, and charge us with all weakness; but look into their Actions of Love, State or War, their roughest business, and you shall find ’em sway’d by some who have the luck to find theirFoibles; witness my Father, a Man reasonable enough, till drawn away by doting Love and Religion: what a Monster my young Mother makes of him! flatter’d him first into Matrimony, and now into what sort of Fool or Beast she pleases to make him.Lucr.I wonder she does not turn him to Christianity; methinks a Conventicle should ill agree with her Humour.Isab.Oh, she finds it the only way to secure her from his Suspicion, which if she do not e’er long give him cause for, I am mistaken in her Humour.—Enter L.KnowellandLeander.But see your Mother and my CousinLeander, who seems, poor man, under some great Consternation, for he looks as gravely as a Lay-Elder conducting his Spouse from a Sermon.L. Kno.Oh, fy upon’t. See, Mr.Fancy, where your Cousin and myLucretiaare idling:Dii boni, what an insupportable loss of time’s this?Lean.Which might be better imploy’d, if I might instruct ’em, Madam.L. Kno.Ay, Mr.Fancy, in Consultation with theAntients.—Oh the delight of Books! when I was of their age, I always imploy’d my looser Hours in reading—if serious, ’twasTacitus,Seneca,Plutarch’s Morals, or some such useful Author; if in an Humour gay, I was for Poetry,Virgil,HomerorTasso. Oh that Love betweenRenaldoandArmida, Mr.Fancy! Ah the Caresses that fairCorcereisgave, and received from the young Warrior, ah how soft, delicate and tender! Upon my Honour I cannot read them in the Excellence of their Original Language, without I know not what Emotions.Lean.Methinks ’tis very well in our Mother Tongue, Madam.L. Kno.O, Faugh, Mr.Fancy, what have you said, Mother Tongue! Can any thing that’s great or moving be express’d in filthyEnglish?—I’ll give you an Energetical proof, Mr.Fancy; observe but divineHomerin theGrecianLanguage—Ton d’ apamibominous prosiphe podas ochus Achilleus!Ah how it sounds! which English’t dwindles into the most grating stuff:—Then the swift-footAchillesmade reply: oh, faugh.Lucr.So now my Mother’s in her right Sphere.L. Kno.Come, Mr.Fancy, we’ll pursue our first design of retiring into my Cabinet, and reading a leaf or two inMartial; I am a little dull, and wou’d fain laugh.Lean.Methinks, Madam, Discourse were much better with these young Ladies. Dear Lucretia, find some way to release me.Aside.L. Kno.Oh, how I hate the impertinence of Women, who for the generality have no other knowledge than that of dressing; I am uneasy with the unthinking Creatures.Lucr.Indeed ’tis much better to be entertaining a young Lover alone; but I’ll prevent her, if possible.Aside.L. Kno.No, I am for the substantial pleasure of an Author.Philosophemur!is my Motto,—I’m strangely fond of you, Mr.Fancy, for being a Scholar.Lean.Who, Madam, I a Scholar? the greatest Duncein Nature—Malicious Creatures, will you leave me to her mercy?To them aside.Lucr.Prithee assist him in his misery, for I amMudd, and can do nothing towards it.Aside.Isab.Who, my CousinLeandera Scholar, Madam?Lucr.Sure he’s too much a Gentleman to be a Scholar.Isab.I vow, Madam, he spells worse than a Country Farrier when he prescribes a Drench.Lean.Then, Madam, I write the leudest hand.Isab.Worse than a Politician or a States-man.Lucr.He cannot read it himself when he has done.Lean.Not a word on’t, Madam.L. Kno.This agreement to abuse him, I understand—Aside.—Well, then, Mr.Fancy, let’s to my Cabinet—your hand.Lean.Now shall I be teas’d unmercifully,—I’ll wait on you, Madam.Exit Lady.—Find some means to redeem me, or I shall be mad.ExitLean.EnterLodwick.Lod.Hah, my dear Isabella here, and without a Spy! what a blessed opportunity must I be forc’d to lose, for there is just now arriv’d my Sister’s Lover, whom I am oblig’d to receive: but if you have a mind to laugh a little—Isab.Laugh! why, are you turn’d Buffoon, Tumbler, or Presbyterian Preacher?Lod.No, but there’s a Creature below more ridiculous than either of these.Lucr.For love’s sake, what sort of Beast is that?Lod.SirCredulous Easy, your new Lover just come to town Bag and Baggage, and I was going to acquaint my Mother with it.Isab.You’ll find her well employ’d with my CousinLeander.Lucr.A happy opportunity to free him: but what shall I do now, Brother?Lod.Oh, let me alone to ruin him with my Mother: get you gone, I think I hear him coming, and this Apartment is appointed for him.Lucr.Prithee haste then, and freeLeander, we’ll into the Garden.ExeuntLuc.andIsab.AChair and a Table. Enter SirCredulousin a riding habit.Curryhis Groom carrying a Portmantle.Lod.Yes—’tis the Right Worshipful, I’ll to my Mother with the News.Ex.Lod.Sir Cred.Come undo my Portmantle, and equip me, that I may look like some body before I see the Ladies—Curry, thou shalt e’en removenow,Curry, fromGroom to Footman; for I’ll ne’er keep Horse more, no, nor Mare neither, since my poorGillian’sdeparted this Life.Cur.’Ds diggers, Sir, you have griev’d enough for your Mare in all Conscience; think of your Mistress now, Sir, and think of her no more.Sir Cred.Not think of her! I shall think of her whilst I live, poor Fool, that I shall, though I had forty Mistresses.Cur.Nay, to say truth, Sir, ’twas a good-natur’d civil beast, and so she remain’d to her last gasp, for she cou’d never have left this World in a better time, as the saying is, so near her Journey’s End.Sir Cred.A civil Beast! Why, was it civilly done of her, thinkest thou, to die atBranford, when had she liv’d till to morrow, she had been converted into Money and have been in my Pocket? for now I am to marry and live in Town, I’ll sell off all my Pads; poor Fool, I think she e’en died for grief I wou’d have sold her.Cur.’Twas unlucky to refuse ParsonCuffet’sWife’s Money for her, Sir.Sir Cred.Ay, and to refuse her another kindness too, that shall be nameless which she offer’d me, and which wou’d have given me good luck in Horse-flesh too; Zoz, I was a modest fool, that’s truth on’t.Cur.Well, well, Sir, her time was come you must think, and we are all Mortal as the saying is.Sir Cred.Well, ’twas the lovingst Tit:—but Grass and Hay, she’s gone—where be her Shoes,Curry?Cur.Here, Sir, her Skin went for good Ale atBranford.Gives him the Shoes.Sir Cred.Ah, how often has she carry’d me upon these Shoes to MotherJumbles; thou remember’st her handsome Daughter, and what pure Ale she brew’d; between one and t’other my Rent came short home there; but let that pass too, and hang sorrow, as thou sayst, I have something else to think on.Takes his things out, lays them upon the Table.And,Curry, as soon as I am drest, go you away to St.Clement’s Church-yard, toJacksonthe Cobler there.Cur.What, your Dog-tutor, Sir?Sir Cred.Yes, and see how my Whelp proves, I put to him last Parliament.Cur.Yes, Sir.EnterLeander, and starts back seeing SirCred.Sir Cred.And ask him what Gamesters come to the Ponds now adays, and what good Dogs.Cur.Yes, Sir.Lean.This is the BeastLodwickspoke of; how could I laugh were he design’d for any butLucretia!Aside.Sir Cred.And dost hear, ask him if he have not sold his own DogDiverwith the white Ear; if I can purchase him, and my own Dog prove right, I’ll be Duke of Ducking-Pond, ads zoz.SirCred.dresses himself.Well, I think I shall be fine anon, he.Cur.But zo, zo, Sir, as the saying is, this Suit’s a little out of fashion, ’twas made that very year I came to your Worship, which is five Winters, and as many Summers.Sir Cred.What then Mun, I never wear it, but when I go to be drunk, and give my Voice for a Knight o’th’Shire, and here atLondonin Term time, and that but eight times in Eight Visits to Eight several Ladies to whom I was recommended.Cur.I wonder that amongst eight you got not one, Sir.Sir Cred.Eight! Zoz, I had Eight score, Mun; but the Devil was in ’em, they were all so forward, that before I cou’d seal and deliver, whip, quothJethro, they were either all married to some body else, or run quite away; so that I am resolv’d if this sameLucretiaproves not right, I’ll e’en forswear this Town and all their false Wares, amongst which, zoz, I believe they vent as many false Wives as anyMetropolitanin Christendom, I’ll say that for’t, and a Fiddle for’t, i’faith:—come give me my Watch out,—so, my Diamond Rings too: so, I think I shall appear pretty well all together,Curry, hah?Lean.Like some thing monstrously ridiculous, I’ll be sworn.Aside.Cur.Here’s your Purse of broad Gold, Sir, that your Grandmother gave you to go a wooing withal, I mean to shew, Sir.Sir Cred.Ay, for she charg’d me never to part with it;—so, now for the Ladies.Shakes his Ribbons.EnterLodwick.Lod.Leander, what mak’st thou here, like a Holy-day Fool gazing at a Monster?Lean.Yes; And one I hope I have no great reason to fear.Lod.I am of thy opinion; away, my Mother’s coming; take this opportunity with my Sister, she’s i’th’ Garden, and let me alone with this Fool, for an Entertainment that shall shew him all at once: away—ExitLean.Lod.goes in to SirCred.Sir Cred.Lodwick, my dear Friend! and little Spark of Ingenuity—Zoz, Man, I’m but just come to Town.Embrace.Lod.’Tis a joyful hearing, Sir.Sir Cred.Not so joyful neither, Sir, when you shall know poorGillian’sdead, my little grey Mare; thou knew’st her, mun: Zoz, ’thas made me as melancholy as the Drone of aLancashireBag-pipe. But let that pass; and now we talk of my Mare, Zoz, I long to see this Sister of thine.Lod.She’ll be with you presently, SirCredulous.Sir Cred.But hark ye, Zoz, I have been so often fob’d off in these matters, that between you and I,Lodwick, if I thought I shou’d not have her, Zoz, I’d ne’er lose precious time about her.Lod.Right, Sir; and to say truth, these Women have so much Contradiction in ’em, that ’tis ten to one but a Man fails in the Art of pleasing.Sir Cred.Why, there’s it:—therefore prithee, dearLodwick, tell me a few of thy Sister’s Humors, and if I fail,—then hang me, Ladies, at your Door, as the Song says.Lod.Why, faith, she has many odd Humors hard enough to hit.Sir Cred.Zoz, let ’em be as hard asHerculeshis Labors in the Vale ofBasse, I’ll not be frighted from attempting her.Lod.Why, she’s one of those fantastick Creatures that must be courted her own way.Sir Cred.Why, let’s hear her way.Lod.She must be surpriz’d with strange Extravagancies wholly out of the Road and Method of common Courtship.Sir Cred.Shaw, is that all? Zoz, I’m the best in Christendom at your out-of-the-way bus’nesses.—Now do I find the Reason of all my ill Success; for I us’d one and the same method to all I courted, whatever their Humors were; hark ye, prithee give me a hint or two, and let me alone to manage Matters.Lod.I have just now thought of a way that cannot but take—Sir Cred.Zoz, out with it, Man.Lod.Why, what if you should represent a dumb Ambassador from the Blind God of Love.Sir Cred.How, a dumb Ambassador? Zoz, Man, how shall I deliver my Embassy then, and tell her how much I love her?—besides, I had a pure Speech or two ready by heart, and that will be quite lost.Aside.Lod.Fy, fy! how dull you are! why, you shall do it by Signs, and I’ll be your Interpreter.Sir Cred.Why, faith, this will be pure; I understand you now, Zoz, I am old excellent at Signs;—I vow this will be rare.Lod.It will not fail to do your business, if well manag’d—but stay, here’s my Sister, on your life not a syllable.EnterLean.Lucr.andIsab.Sir Cred.I’ll be rackt first,Mum budget,—prithee present me, I long to be at it, sure.He falls back, making Faces and Grimaces.Lod.Sister, I here present you with a worthy Knight, struck dumb with Admiration of your Beauty; but that’s all one, he is employ’d Envoy Extraordinary from the blind God of Love: and since, like his young Master, he must be defective in one of his Senses, he chose rather to be dumb than blind.Lucr.I hope the small Deity is in good Health, Sir?Isab.And his MistressPsyche, Sir?He smiles and bows, and makes Signs.Lod.He says thatPsychehas been sick of late, but somewhat recovered, and has sent you for a Token a pair of Jet Bracelets, and a Cambrick Handkerchief of her own spinning, with a Sentence wrought in’t,Heart in hand, at thy command.Looking every word upon SirCredulousas he makes signs.Sir Cred.Zoz,Lodwick, what do you mean? I’m the Son of anEgyptianif I understand thee.Pulls him, he signs to him to hold his peace.Lod.Come, Sir, the Tokens, produce, produce—He falls back making damnable signs.How! Faith, I’m sorry for that with all my heart,—he says, being somewhat put to’t on his Journey, he was forced to pawn the Bracelets for half a Crown, and the Handkerchief he gave his Landlady on the Road for a Kindness received,—this ’tis when People will be fooling—Sir Cred.Why, the Devil’s in thisLodwick, for mistaking my Signs thus: hang me if ever I thought of Bracelets or a Handkerchief, or ever received a Civility from any Woman Breathing,—is he bewitcht trow?Aside.Lean.Lodwick, you are mistaken in the Knight’s meaning all this while. Look on him, Sir,—do not you guess from that Look, and wrying of his Mouth, that you mistook the Bracelets for Diamond Rings, which he humbly begs, Madam, you would grace with your fair Hand?Lod.Ah, now I perceive it plain.Sir Cred.A Pox of his Compliment. Why, this is worse than t’other.—What shall I do in this case?—should I speak and undeceive them, they would swear ’twere to save my Jems: and to part with ’em—Zoz, how simply should I look!—but hang’t, when I have married her, they are my own again.Gives the Rings, and falls back into Grimaces.Leanderwhispers toLodwick.Lod.Enough—Then, Sister, she has sent you a Purse of her own knitting full of Broad Gold.Sir. Cred.Broad Gold! why, what a Pox does the Man conjure?Lod.Which, Sister, faith, you must accept of, you see by that Grimace how much ’twill grieve him else.Sir Cred.A pretty civil way this to rob a Man.—Why,Lodwick,—why, what a Pox, will they have no mercy?—Zoz, I’ll see how far they’ll drive the Jest.Gives the Gold and bows, and scrapes and screws.Lod.Say you so, Sir? well I’ll see what may be done.—Sister, behold him, and take pity on him; he has butone more humble request to make you, ’tis to receive a Gold Watch which he designs you from himself.Sir Cred.Why, how long has this Fellow been a Conjurer? for he does deal with the Devil, that’s certain,—Lodwick—Pulls him.Lod.Ay do, speak and spoil all, do.Sir Cred.Speak and spoil all, quoth he! and the Duce take me if I am not provok’d to’t; why, how the Devil should he light slap-dash, as they say, upon every thing thus? Well, Zoz, I’m resolv’d to give it her, and shame her if she have any Conscience in her.Gives his Watch with pitiful Grimaces.Lod.Now, Sister, you must know there’s a Mystery in this Watch, ’tis a kind of Hieroglyphick that will instruct you how a Married Woman of your Quality ought to live.Sir Cred.How, my Watch Mysteries and Hieroglyphicks! the Devil take me, if I knew of any such Virtues it had.They are all looking on the Watch.Lod.Beginning at Eight, from which down to Twelve you ought to imploy in dressing, till Two at Dinner, till Five in Visits, till Seven at the Play, till Nine i’th’ Park, Ten at Supper with your Lover, if your Husband benotat home, or keep his distance, which he’s too well bred not to do; then from Ten to Twelve are the happy Hoursthe Bergere, those of intire Enjoyment.—Sir Cred.Say you so? hang me if I shall not go near to think I may chance to be a Cuckold by the shift.Isab.Well, Sir, what must she do from Twelve till Eight again?Lod.Oh! those are the dull Conjugal Hours for sleeping with her own Husband, and dreaming of Joys her absent Lover alone can give her.Sir Cred.Nay, an she be for Sleeping, Zoz, I am as good at that as she can be for her Heart; or Snoring either.Lod.But I have done; SirCreduloushas a dumb Oration to make you by way of farther Explanation.Sir Cred.A dumb Oration! now do I know no more how to speak a dumb Speech thana Dog.Luc.Oh, I love that sort of Eloquence extremely.Lod.I told you this would take her.Sir Cred.Nay, I know your silent Speeches are incomparable, and I have such a Speech in my Head.Lod.Your Postures, your Postures, begin, Sir.He puts himself into a ready Posture as if he would speak, but only makes Faces.EnterPage.Pag.Sir, my Lady desires to speak with you.ToLean.Lean.I’ll wait on her,—a Devil on’t.—Pag.I have command to bring you, Sir, instantly.Lean.This is ill luck, Madam, I cannot see the Farce out; I’ll wait on you as soon as my good Fortune will permit me.ExitwithPage.Luc.He’s going to my Mother, dearIsabella, let’s go and hinder their Discourse: Farewel, Sir Ambassador, pray remember us toPsyche, not forgetting the little blind Archer, ha, ha, ha.—Ex.Lucr.andIsab.laughing.Sir Cred.So, I have undone all, they are both gone, flown I protest; why, what a Devil ail’d em? Now have I been dumb all this while to no purpose, you too never told her my meaning right; as I hope to breathe, had any but yourself done this, I should have sworn byHeliconand all the rest of the Devils, you had had a design to have abus’d me, and cheated me of all my Moveables too.Lod.What a hopeful Project was here defeated by my mistake! but courage, SirCredulous, I’ll put you in a way shall fetch all about again.Sir Cred.Say you so? ah, dearLodwick, let me hear it.Lod.Why, you shall this Night give your Mistress a Serenade.Sir Cred.How! a Serenade!Lod.Yes, but it must be perform’d after an Extravagantmanner, none of your dull amorous Night-walking Noises so familiar in this Town;Lucretialoves nothing but what’s great and extravagant, and passes the reach of vulgar practice.Sir Cred.What think you of a silent Serenade? Zoz, say but the word and it shall be done, Man, let me alone for Frolicks, i’faith.Lod.A silent one! no, that’s to wear a good humour to the Stumps; I wou’d have this want for no Noise; the extremes of these two Addresses will set off one another.Sir Cred.Say you so? what think you then of the Bagpipe, Tongs, and Gridiron, Cat-calls, and loud-sounding Cymbals?Lod.Naught, naught, and of known use; you might as well treat her with Viols and Flute-doux, which were enough to disoblige her for ever.Sir Cred.Why, what think you then of the King ofBantam’sown Musick.Lod.How! the King ofBantam’sMusick?Sir Cred.Ay, Sir, the King ofBantam’s: a Friend of mine had a Present sent him from thence, a most unheard of curiosity I’ll assure you.Lod.That, that by all means, Sir.Sir Cred.Well, I’ll go borrow ’em presently.Lod.You must provide your self of a Song.Sir Cred.A Song! hang’t, ’tis but rummaging the Play-Books, stealing thence is lawful Prize—Well, Sir, your Servant.Exit.EnterLeander.Lod.I hope ’twill be ridiculous enough, and then the Devil’s in’t if it do not do his Business with my Mother, for she hates all impertinent Noises but what she makes herself. She’s now going to make a Visit to your Uncle, purposely to give me an opportunity toIsabella.Lean.And I’m ingag’d to wait on her thither, shedesigns to carry the Fiddles too; he’s mad enough already, but such a Visit will fit him for Bedlam.Lod.No matter, for you have all a leud Hand with him; between his continual imaginary Sickness, and perpetual Physic, a Man might take more Pleasure in an Hospital. What the Devil did he marry a young Wife for? and they say a handsome Creature too.Lean.To keep up his Title of Cuckold I think, for she has Beauty enough for Temptation, and no doubt makes the right use on’t: wou’d I cou’d know it, that I might prevent her cheating my Uncle longer to my undoing.Lod.She’ll be cunning enough for that, if she have Wit: but now thou talk’st of Intrigues, when didst seeWittmore? that Rogue has some lucky Haunt which we must find out.—But my Mother expects your attendance; I’ll go seek my Sister, and make all the Interest there I can for you, whilst you pay me in the same Coin toIsabella.Adieu.Lean.Trust my Friendship.—Ex. severally.ACT II.Scene I.A Gardento SirPatient Fancy’sHouse.Enter LadyFancy,Wittmore, andMaundy.Wit.Enough, my charming Mistress, you’ve set my Soul at Peace, and chas’d away those Fears and Doubts my Jealousy created there.Maun.Mr.Wittmore’ssatisfy’d of your Constancy, Madam; though had I been your Ladyship, I should have given him a more substantial Proof, which you might yet do, if you wou’d make handsome use of your time.Wit.Maundyadvises well; my dearest, let’s withdraw to yonder Covert Arbour, whose kind Shades will secure us a Happiness that Gods might envy.Offers to lead her out.L. Fan.I dare not for the world, SirPatientis now asleep, and ’tis to those few Minutes we are oblig’d for this Enjoyment, which shou’d Love make us transgress, and he shou’d wake and surprize us, we are undone for ever: no, let us employ this little time we have in consulting how we may be often happy, and securely so: Oh, how I languish for the dear opportunity!Wit.And cou’d you guess what Torments I have suffer’d in these few fatal Months that have divided us, thou wou’dst pity me.L. Fan.—But to our Business; for though I am yet unsuspected by my Husband, I am eternally plagu’d with his Company; he’s so fond of me, he scarce gives me time to write to thee, he waits on me from room to room, hands me in the Garden, shoulders me in the Balcony, nay, does the office of my Women, dresses and undresses me, and does so smirk at his handywork: In fine, dearWittmore, I am impatient till I can have less of his Company, and more of thine.Wit.Does he never go out of Town?L. Fan.Never without me.Wit.Nor toChuch?L. Fan.To a Meeting-house you mean, and then too carries me, and is as vainly proud of me as of his rebellious Opinion, for his Religion means nothing but that, and Contradiction; which I seem to like too, since ’tis the best Cloke I can put on to cheat him with.Wit.Right, my fair Hypocrite.L. Fan.But, dearWittmore, there’s nothing so comical as to hear me cant, and even cheat those Knaves, the Preachers themselves, that delude the ignorant Rabble.Wit.What Miracles cannot your Eyes and Tongue perform!L. Fan.Judge what a fine Life I lead the while, to be set up with an old formal doting sick Husband, and a Herd of snivelling grinning Hypocrites, that call themselvesthe teaching Saints; who under pretence of securing me to the number of their Flock, do so sneer upon me, pat my Breasts, and cry fie, fie upon this fashion of tempting Nakedness.Through the Nose.Wit.Dear Creature, how cou’d we laugh at thy new way of living, had we but some Minutes allow’d us to enjoy that Pleasure alone.L. Fan.Think, dearWittmore, think,Maundyand I have thought over all our Devices to no purpose.Wit.Pox on’t, I’m the dullest dog at plotting, thinking, in the world; I should have made a damnable ill Town Poet: Has he quite left off going to the Change?L. Fan.Oh, he’s grown cautiously rich, and will venture none of his substantial Stock in transitory Traffick.Wit.Has he no mutinous Cabal, nor Coffee-houses, where he goes religiously to consult the Welfare of the Nation?L. Fan.His imagin’d Sickness has made this their Rendesvouz.Wit.When he goes to his blind Devotion, cannot you pretend to be sick? that may give us at least two or three opportunities to begin with.L. Fan.Oh! then I should be plagu’d with continual Physick and Extempore Prayer till I were sick indeed.Wit.Damn the humorous Coxcomb and all his Family, what shall we do?L. Fan.Not all, for he has a Daughter that has good Humour, Wit, and Beauty enough to save her,—stay—that has jogg’d a Thought, as the Learned say, which must jog on, till the motion have produc’d something worth my thinking.—EnterRogerrunning.Maun.Ad’s me, here’s danger near, our Scout comes in such haste.L. Fan.Roger, what’s the matter?Rog.My Master, Madam, is risen from sleep, and is come in to the Garden.—See, Madam, he’s here.L. Fan.What an unlucky Accident was this?Wit.What shall I do, ’tis too late to obscure my self?L. Fan.He sees you already, through the Trees,—here—keep your distance, your Hat under your Arm; so, be very ceremonious, whilst I settle a demure Countenance.—Maun.Well, there never came good of Lovers that were given to too much talking; had you been silently kind all this while, you had been willing to have parted by this time.Enter SirPatientin a Night-Gown, reading a Bill.Sir Pat.Hum,—Twelve Purges for this presentJanuary—as I take it, good Mr. Doctor, I took but Ten in allDecember.—By this Rule I am sicker this Month, than I was the last.—And, good Master Apothecary, methinks your Prizes are somewhat too high: at this rate no body wou’d be sick.—Here,Roger, see it paid however,—Ha, hum.Sees ’em, and starts back.What’s here, my Lady Wife entertaining a leud Fellow of the Town? a flaunting Cap and Feather Blade.L. Fan.SirPatientcannot now be spoken with. But, Sir, that which I was going just now to say to you, was, that it would be very convenient in my opinion to make your Addresses toIsabella,—’twill give us opportunities.Aside.We Ladies love no Imposition; this is Counsel my Husband perhaps will not like, but I would have all Women chuse their Man, as I have done,—my dearWittmore.Aside.Sir Pat.I profess ingenuously an excellent good Lady this of mine, though I do not like her Counsel to the young Man, who I perceive would be a Suitor to my DaughterIsabella.Wit.Madam, should I follow my inclinations, I should pay my Vows no where but there,—but I am inform’d SirPatientis a Man so positively resolv’d.—L. Fan.That you should love his Wife.Aside.Wit.And I’ll comply with that Resolve of his, and neither love nor marryIsabella, without his Permission; and I doubt not but I shall by my Respects to him gain his Consent,—to cuckold him.Aside.Sir Pat.I profess ingenuously, a very discreet young Man.Wit.But, Madam, when may I promise my self the satisfaction of coming again? For I’m impatient for the Sight and Enjoyment of the fair Person I love.L. Fan.Sir, you may come at night, and something I will do by that time shall certainly give you that access you wish for.Wit.May I depend upon that Happiness?L. Fan.Oh, doubt not my power over SirPatient.Sir Pat.My LadyFancy, you promise largely.L. Fan.SirPatienthere!Wit.A Devil on him, wou’d I were well off: now must I dissemble, profess, and lye most confoundedly.Sir Pat.Your Servant, Sir, your Servant.—My LadyFancy, your Ladyship, is well entertain’d I see; have a care you make me not jealous, my LadyFancy.L. Fan.Indeed I have given you cause, SirPatient, for I have been entertaining a Lover, and one you must admit of too.Sir Pat.Say you so, my LadyFancy?—Well, Sir, I am a Man of Reason, and if you shew me good causes why, can bid you welcome, for I do nothing without Reason and Precaution.Wit.Sir, I have—Sir Pat.I know what you wou’d say, Sir; few Words denoteth a Wise Head,—you wou’d say that you have an Ambition to be my Son-in-Law.Wit.You guess most right, Sir.Sir Pat.Nay, Sir, I’ll warrant I’ll read a Man as well as the best, I have studied it.Wit.Now, Invention, help me or never.Sir Pat.Your Name, I pray?Putting off his Hat gravely at every Word.Wit.Fainlove, Sir.Sir Pat.Good Mr.Fainlove, your Country?Wit.Yorkshire, Sir.Sir Pat.What, not Mr.Fainlove’sSon ofYorkshire, who was knighted in the good days of the late Lord Protector?Off his Hat.Wit.The same, Sir.—I am in, but how to come off again the Devil take me if I know.Aside.Sir Pat.He was a Man of admirable parts, believe me, a notable Head piece, a publick-spirited Person, and a good Commonwealths-man, that he was, on my word.—Your Estate, Sir, I pray?Hat off.Wit.I have not impair’d it, Sir, and I presume you know its value:—For I am a Dog if I do.Aside.Sir Pat.O’ my Word, ’tis then considerable, Sir; for he left but one Son, and fourteen hundred Poundsper Annum, as I take it: which Son, I hear, is lately come fromGeneva, whither he was sent for virtuous Education. I am glad of your Arrival, Sir.—Your Religion, I pray?Wit.You cannot doubt my Principles, Sir, since educated atGeneva.Sir Pat.Your Father was a discreet Man: ah, Mr.Fainlove, he and I have seen better days, and wish we cou’d have foreseen these that are arriv’d.Wit.That he might have turn’d honest in time, he means, before he had purchas’d Bishops Lands.Sir Pat.Sir, you have no Place, Office, Dependance or Attendance at Court, I hope?Wit.None, Sir,—Wou’d I had—so you were hang’d.Aside.L. Fan.Nay, Sir, you may believe, I knew his Capacities and Abilities before I would encourage his Addresses.Sir Pat.My LadyFancy, you are a discreet Lady;—Well,I’ll marry her out of hand, to prevent Mr.Lodwick’shopes: for though the young man may deserve well, that Mother of his I’ll have nothing to do with, since she refused to marry my Nephew.Aside.EnterFanny.Fan.Sir Father, here’s my LadyKnowell, and her Family come to see you.Sir Pat.How! her whole Family! I am come to keep open House; very fine, her whole Family! she’s Plague enough to mortify any good Christian,—Tell her, my Lady and I am gone forth; tell her any thing to keep her away.Fan.Shou’d I tell a lye, Sir Father, and to a Lady of her Quality?Sir Pat.Her Quality and she are a Couple of Impertinent things, which are very troublesome, and not to be indur’d I take it.Fan.Sir, we shou’d bear with things we do not love sometimes, ’tis a sort of Trial, Sir, a kind of Mortification fit for a good Christian.Sir Pat.Why, what a notable talking Baggage is this! How came you by this Doctrine?Fan.I remember, Sir, you preach’d it once to my Sister, when the old Alderman was the Text, whom you exhorted her to marry, but the wicked Creature made ill use on’t.Sir Pat.Go your way for a prating Huswife, go, and call your Sister hither.ExitFanny.—Well, I’m resolv’d to leave this Town, nay, and the World too, rather than be tormented thus.L. Fan.What’s the matter, Dear, thou dost so fret thy self?Sir Pat.The matter! my House, my House is besieged with Impertinence; the intolerable Lady, MadamRomance, that walking Library of profane Books is come to visit me.L. Fan.My LadyKnowell?Sir Pat.Yes, that Lady of eternal Noise and hard Words.L. Fan.Indeed ’tis with pain I am oblig’d to be civil to her, but I consider her Quality, her Husband was too an Alderman, your Friend, and a greatAy and No Mani’ th’ City, and a painful Promoter of the good Cause.Sir Pat.But she’s a Fop, my LadyFancy, and ever was so, an idle conceited she Fop; and has Vanity and Tongue enough to debauch any Nation under civil Government: but, Patience, thou art a Virtue, and Affliction will come.—Ah, I’m very sick, alas, I have not long to dwell amongst the Wicked, Oh, oh.—Roger, is the Doctor come?EnterRoger.Rog.No, Sir, but he has sent you a small draught of a Pint, which you are to take, and move upon’t.Sir Pat.Ah,—Well, I’ll in and take it;—Ah—Sir, I crave your Patience for a moment, for I design you shall see my Daughter, I’ll not make long work on’t, Sir: alas, I would dispose of her before I die: Ah,—I’ll bring her to you, Sir, Ah, Ah.—Goes out withRoger.L. Fan.He’s always thus when visited, to save Charges,—But how, dearWittmore, cam’st thou to think of a Name and Country so readily?Wit.Egad, I was at the height of my Invention, and the Alderman civilly and kindly assisted me with the rest; but how to undeceive him—L. Fan.Take no care for that, in the mean time you’ll be shreudly hurt to have the way laid open to our Enjoyment, and that by my Husband’s procurement too: But take heed, dearWittmore, whilst you only design to feign a Courtship, you do it not in good earnest.Wit.Unkind Creature!L. Fan.I would not have you endanger her Heart neither: for thou hast Charms will do’t.—Prithee do notput on thy best Looks, nor speak thy softest Language; for if thou dost, thou canst not fail to undo her.Wit.Well, my pretty Flatterer, to free her Heart and thy Suspicions, I’ll make such aukward Love as shall persuade her, however she chance to like my Person, to think most leudly of my Parts.—But ’tis fit I take my leave, for ifLodwickorLeandersee me here, all will be ruin’d; death, I had forgot that.L. Fan.Leander’sseldom at home, and you must time your Visits: but see SirPatient’sreturn’d, and with him your new Mistress.Enter SirPatientandIsabella.Sir Pat.Here’s my DaughterIsabella, Mr.Fainlove: she’ll serve for a Wife, Sir, as times go; but I hope you are none of those.—Sweet-heart, this Gentleman I have design’d you, he’s rich and young, and I am old and sickly, and just going out of the World, and would gladly see thee in safe Hands.Maun.He has been just going this twenty Years.Aside.Sir Pat.Therefore I command you to receive the tenders of his Affection.EnterFanny.Fan.Sir Father, my LadyKnowell’sin the Garden.L. Fan.My Dear, we must go meet her in decency.Sir Pat.A hard case, a Man cannot be sick in quiet.Exitwith L.Fan.Isab.A Husband, and that notLodwick! Heaven forbid.Aside.Wit.Now Foppery assist to make me very ridiculous,—Death, she’s very pretty and inviting; what an insensible Dog shall I be counted to refuse the Enjoyment of so fair, so new a Creature, and who is like to be thrown into my Arms too whether I will or not?—but Conscience andmy Vows to the fair Mother: No, I will be honest.—Madam,—as Gad shall save me, I’m the Son of a Whore, if you are not the most Belle Person I ever saw, and if I be not damnably in love with you; but a pox take all tedious Courtship, I have a free-born and generous Spirit; and as I hate being confin’d to dull Cringing, Whining, Flattering, and the Devil and all of Foppery, so when I give an Heart, I’m an Infidel, Madam, if I do not love to do’t frankly and quickly, that thereby I may oblige the beautiful Receiver of my Vows, Protestations, Passions, and Inclination.Isab.You’re wonderful ingaging, Sir, and I were an Ingrate not to facilitate a return for the Honour you are pleas’d to do me.Wit.Upon my Reputation, Madam, you’re a civil well-bred Person, you have all the Agreemony of your Sex,la belle Taille,la bonne Mine, &Reparteeébien, and aretout oure toore, as I’m a Gentleman,fort agreeable.—If this do not please your Lady, and nauseate her, the Devil’s in ’em both for unreasonable Women.—ToMaun.Fan.Gemini, Sister, does the Gentleman conjurer?Isab.I know not, but I’m sure I never saw a more affected Fop.Maun.O, a damnable impertinent Fop! ’tis pity, for he’s a proper Gentleman.Wit.Well, if I do hold out, Egad, I shall be the bravest young Fellow in Christendom: But, Madam, I must kiss your Hand at present, I have some Visits to make, Devoirs to pay, necessities of Gallantry only, no Love Engagements, byJove, Madam; it is sufficient I have given my Parole to your Father, to do him the honour of my Alliance; and an unnecessary Jealousy will but disoblige, Madam, your Slave.—Death, these Rogues see me, and I’m undone.—Exit.Enter LadyFancy, LadyKnowell, SirCredulousandLucretia, with other Women and Men,Rogerattending.L. Kno.Isabella, your Servant, Madam: being sensible of the insociable and solitary Life you lead, I have brought my whole Family to wait on your Ladyship, and this my Sonin Futuro, to kiss your Hands, I beseech your Ladyship to know him for your humble Servant: my Son and your Nephew, Madam, are coming with the Musick too, we mean to pass the whole Day with your Ladyship:—and see they are here.EnterLodwickpulling inWittmore,Leanderwith them.Lod.Nay, since we have met thee so luckily, you must back with us.Wit.You must excuse me, Gentlemen.Lod.We’ll shew you two or three fine Women.Wit.Death, these Rogues will ruin me—but I have Business, Gentlemen, that—Lean.That must not hinder you from doing Deeds of Charity: we are all come to teeze my Uncle, and you must assist at so good a Work;—come, gad, thou shall make love to my Aunt.—I wou’d he wou’d effectually.Aside.Lod.Now I think on’t, what the Devil dost thou make here?Wit.Here!—oh, Sir—a—I have a design upon the Alderman.Lod.Upon his handsome Wife thou meanest; ah, Rogue!Wit.Faith, no,—a—’tis to—borrow Mony of him; and as I take it, Gentlemen, you are not fit Persons for a Man of Credit to be seen with, I pass for a graver Man.Lod.Well, Sir, take your Course—but, egad, he’ll sooner lend thee his Wife than his Money.ExitWittmore, they come in.Lean.Aunt, I have taken the boldness to bring a Gentleman of my Acquaintance to kiss your Ladyship’s Hands.Lod.Thy Aunt!—death, she’s very handsome.—Madam, your most humble Servant.Kisses the L.Fan.Lean.Prithee imploy this Fool, that I may have an opportunity to entertain thy Sister.Lod.SirCredulous, what, not a Word? not a Compliment? Hah,—be brisk, Man, be gay and witty, talk to the Ladies.Sir Cred.Talk to ’em! why, what shall I say to ’em?Lod.Any thing, so it be to little purpose.Sir Cred.Nay, Sir, let me alone for that matter—but who are they, prithee?Lod.Why, that’s my LadyFancy, and that’s her Daughter-in-Law, salute ’em, Man.—Sir Cred.Fair Lady,—I do protest and vow, you are the most beautiful of all Mothers-in-Law, and the World cannot produce your equal.Lod.The Rogue has but one method for all Addresses.They laugh.L. Kno.Oh, absurd! this, Sir, is the beautiful Mother-in-Law.To L.Fan.Enter SirPatient.Sir Cred.Most noble Lady, I cry your mercy. Then, Madam, as the Sun amongst the Stars, or rather as the Moon not in conjunction with the Sun, but in her opposition, when one rises the other sets, or as the Vulgar call it, Full Moon—I say, as the Moon is the most beautiful of all the sparkling Lights, even so are you the most accomplish’d Lady under the Moon—and, Madam, I am extremely sensible of your Charms and celestial Graces.ToIsabella.Sir Pat.Why, this is abominable and insupportable.Lucr.I find, Sir, you can talk to purpose when you begin once.Sir Cred.You are pleased to say so, noble Lady: but I must needs say, I am not the worst bred Gentleman for a Country Gentleman that ever you saw; for you mustknow, incomparable Lady, that I was at the University three Years, and there I learnt my Logick and Rhetorick, whereby I became excellent at Repartee, sweet Lady. As for my Estate, my Father died since I came of Age, and left me a small younger Brother’s Portion, dear Lady.Lucr.A younger Brother’s, Sir?Sir Cred.Ha, ha, I know what you would infer from that now: but you must know, delicious Lady, that I am all the Children my Father had.Lucr.Witty, I protest.Sir Cred.Nay, Madam, when I set on’t I can be witty.Lean.CruelLucretia, leave ’em, and let us snatch this opportunity to talk of our own Affairs.Sir Cred.For you must know, bright Lady, though I was pleas’d to railly my self, I have a pretty competent Estate of about 3000l.a Year, and am to marry MadamLucretia.L. Fan.You are a happy Man, Sir.Sir Cred.Not so happy neither, inestimable Lady, for I lost the finest Mare yesterday,—but let that pass: were you never inDevonshire, Madam?L. Fan.Never, Sir.Sir Cred.In troth, and that’s pity, sweet Lady; for if you lov’d Hawking, Drinking, and Whoring,—oh, Lord, I mean Hunting; i’faith, there be good Fellows would keep you Company, Madam.Sir Pat.This is a Plot upon me, a mere Plot.—My LadyFancy, be tender of my Reputation, Foppery’s catching, and I had as lieve be a Cuckold as Husband to a vain Woman.Sir Cred.Zoz, and that may be as you say, noble Sir. Lady, pray what Gentleman’s this?—Noble Sir, I am your most humble Servant.Sir Pat.Oh, cry your mercy, Sir.Walks away.Sir Cred.No Offence, dear Sir, I protest: ’slife, I believe ’tis the Master of the House, he look’d with suchAuthority;—why, who cares, let him look as big as the four Winds, East, West, North and South, I care not this,—therefore I beg your Pardon, noble Sir.Sir Pat.Pray spare your Hat and Legs, Sir, till you come to Court, they are thrown away i’th’ City.Sir Cred.O Lord! dear Sir, ’tis all one for that, I value not a Leg nor an Arm amongst Friends, I am aDevonshireKnight, Sir, all the World knows, a kind of Country Gentleman, as they say, and am come to Town, to marry my LadyKnowell’sDaughter.Sir Pat.I’m glad on’t, Sir.Walks away, he follows.Sir Cred.She’s a deserving Lady, Sir, if I have any Judgment; and I think I understand a Lady, Sir, in the Right Honourable way of Matrimony.Sir Pat.Well, Sir, that is to say, you have been married before, Sir; and what’s all this to me, good Sir?Sir Cred.Married before! incomparable, Sir! not so neither, for there’s difference in Men, Sir.Sir Pat.Right, Sir, for some are Wits, and some are Fools.Sir Cred.As I hope to breathe, ’twas a saying of my Grandmother’s, who us’d to tell me, Sir, that bought Wit was best. I have brought Money to Town for a small purchase of that kind; for, Sir, I wou’d fain set up for a Country Wit.—Pray, Sir, where live the Poets, for I wou’d fain be acquainted with some of them.Sir Pat.Sir, I do not know, nor do I care for Wits and Poets. Oh, this will kill me quite; I’ll out of Town immediately.Sir Cred.But, Sir, I mean your fine railing Bully Wits, that have Vinegar, Gall and Arsenick in ’em, as well as Salt and Flame, and Fire, and the Devil and all.

EnterLucretiawithIsabella.

Isab.’Tis much I owe to Fortune, my dearLucretia, for being so kind to make us Neighbours, where with Ease we may continually exchange our Souls and Thoughts without the attendance of a Coach, and those other little Formalities that make a Business of a Visit; it looks so like a Journey, I hate it.

Lucr.Attendance is that Curse to Greatness that confines the Soul, and spoils good Humour; we are free whilst thus alone, and can laugh at the abominable Fopperies of this Town.

Isab.And lament the numberless Impertinences wherewith they continually plague all young Women of Quality.

Lucr.Yet these are the precious things our grave Parents still chuse out to make us happy with, and all for a filthy Jointure, the undeniable argument for our Slavery to Fools.

Isab.Custom is unkind to our Sex, not to allow us free Choice; but we above all Creatures must be forced to endure the formal Recommendations of a Parent, and the more insupportable Addresses of an odious Fop; whilst the Obedient Daughter stands—thus—with her Hands pinn’d before her, a set Look, few Words, and a Mein that cries—Come marry me: out upon’t.

Lucr.I perceive then, whatever your Father designs, you are resolv’d to love your own way.

Isab.Thou mayst lay thy Maidenhead upon’t, and be sure of the Misfortune to win.

Lucr.My BrotherLodwick’slike to be a happy Man then.

Isab.Faith, my dearLodwickor no body in my heart, and I hope thou art as well resolv’d for my CousinLeander.

Lucr.Here’s my Hand upon’t, I am; yet there’s something sticks upon my stomach, which you must know.

Isab.Spare the Relation, for I have observ’d of late your Mother to have order’d her Eyes with some softness, her Mouth endeavouring to sweeten it self into Smiles and Dimples, as if she meant to recal Fifteen again, and gave it all toLeander, for at him she throws her Darts.

Lucr.Is’t possible thou should’st have perceived it already?

Isab.Long since.

Lucr.And now I begin to love him, ’twould vex me to see my Mother marry him—well, I shall never call him Father.

Isab.He’ll take care to give himself a better Title.

Lucr.ThisDevonshireKnight too, who is recommended to my Mother as a fit Husband for me, I shall be so tormented with—My Brother swears he’s the pertest, most unsufferable Fool he ever saw; when he was at my Uncle’s last Summer, he made all his Diversion.

Isab.Prithee let him make ours now, for of all Fops your Country Fop is the most tolerable Animal; those of the Town are the most unmanagable Beasts in Nature.

Lucr.And are the most noisy, keeping Fops.

Isab.Keeping begins to be as ridiculous as Matrimony, and is a greater Imposition upon the Liberty of Man; the Insolence and Expence of their Mistresses has almost tir’d out all but the Old and Doting part of Mankind: The rest begin to know their value, and set a price upon a good Shape, a tolerable Face and Mein:—and some there are who have made excellent Bargains for themselves that way, and will flatter ye and jilt ye an Antiquated Lady as artfully as the most experienc’d Miss of ’em all.

Lucr.Lord, Lord! what will this World come to?—but this Mother of mine—Isabella.Sighs.

Isab.Is discreet and virtuous enough, a little too affected, as being the most learned of her Sex.

Lucr.Methinks to be read in the Arts, as they call ’em, is the peculiar Province of the other Sex.

Isab.Indeed the Men would have us think so, and boast their Learning and Languages; but if they can find any of our Sex fuller of Words, and to so little purpose as some of their Gownmen, I’ll be content to change my Petticoats for Pantaloons, and go to a Grammar-school.

Lucr.Oh, they’re the greatest Babelards in Nature.

Isab.They call us easy and fond, and charge us with all weakness; but look into their Actions of Love, State or War, their roughest business, and you shall find ’em sway’d by some who have the luck to find theirFoibles; witness my Father, a Man reasonable enough, till drawn away by doting Love and Religion: what a Monster my young Mother makes of him! flatter’d him first into Matrimony, and now into what sort of Fool or Beast she pleases to make him.

Lucr.I wonder she does not turn him to Christianity; methinks a Conventicle should ill agree with her Humour.

Isab.Oh, she finds it the only way to secure her from his Suspicion, which if she do not e’er long give him cause for, I am mistaken in her Humour.—

Enter L.KnowellandLeander.

But see your Mother and my CousinLeander, who seems, poor man, under some great Consternation, for he looks as gravely as a Lay-Elder conducting his Spouse from a Sermon.

L. Kno.Oh, fy upon’t. See, Mr.Fancy, where your Cousin and myLucretiaare idling:Dii boni, what an insupportable loss of time’s this?

Lean.Which might be better imploy’d, if I might instruct ’em, Madam.

L. Kno.Ay, Mr.Fancy, in Consultation with theAntients.—Oh the delight of Books! when I was of their age, I always imploy’d my looser Hours in reading—if serious, ’twasTacitus,Seneca,Plutarch’s Morals, or some such useful Author; if in an Humour gay, I was for Poetry,Virgil,HomerorTasso. Oh that Love betweenRenaldoandArmida, Mr.Fancy! Ah the Caresses that fairCorcereisgave, and received from the young Warrior, ah how soft, delicate and tender! Upon my Honour I cannot read them in the Excellence of their Original Language, without I know not what Emotions.

Lean.Methinks ’tis very well in our Mother Tongue, Madam.

L. Kno.O, Faugh, Mr.Fancy, what have you said, Mother Tongue! Can any thing that’s great or moving be express’d in filthyEnglish?—I’ll give you an Energetical proof, Mr.Fancy; observe but divineHomerin theGrecianLanguage—Ton d’ apamibominous prosiphe podas ochus Achilleus!Ah how it sounds! which English’t dwindles into the most grating stuff:—Then the swift-footAchillesmade reply: oh, faugh.

Lucr.So now my Mother’s in her right Sphere.

L. Kno.Come, Mr.Fancy, we’ll pursue our first design of retiring into my Cabinet, and reading a leaf or two inMartial; I am a little dull, and wou’d fain laugh.

Lean.Methinks, Madam, Discourse were much better with these young Ladies. Dear Lucretia, find some way to release me.Aside.

L. Kno.Oh, how I hate the impertinence of Women, who for the generality have no other knowledge than that of dressing; I am uneasy with the unthinking Creatures.

Lucr.Indeed ’tis much better to be entertaining a young Lover alone; but I’ll prevent her, if possible.Aside.

L. Kno.No, I am for the substantial pleasure of an Author.Philosophemur!is my Motto,—I’m strangely fond of you, Mr.Fancy, for being a Scholar.

Lean.Who, Madam, I a Scholar? the greatest Duncein Nature—Malicious Creatures, will you leave me to her mercy?To them aside.

Lucr.Prithee assist him in his misery, for I amMudd, and can do nothing towards it.Aside.

Isab.Who, my CousinLeandera Scholar, Madam?

Lucr.Sure he’s too much a Gentleman to be a Scholar.

Isab.I vow, Madam, he spells worse than a Country Farrier when he prescribes a Drench.

Lean.Then, Madam, I write the leudest hand.

Isab.Worse than a Politician or a States-man.

Lucr.He cannot read it himself when he has done.

Lean.Not a word on’t, Madam.

L. Kno.This agreement to abuse him, I understand—Aside.

—Well, then, Mr.Fancy, let’s to my Cabinet—your hand.

Lean.Now shall I be teas’d unmercifully,—I’ll wait on you, Madam.Exit Lady.

—Find some means to redeem me, or I shall be mad.ExitLean.

EnterLodwick.

Lod.Hah, my dear Isabella here, and without a Spy! what a blessed opportunity must I be forc’d to lose, for there is just now arriv’d my Sister’s Lover, whom I am oblig’d to receive: but if you have a mind to laugh a little—

Isab.Laugh! why, are you turn’d Buffoon, Tumbler, or Presbyterian Preacher?

Lod.No, but there’s a Creature below more ridiculous than either of these.

Lucr.For love’s sake, what sort of Beast is that?

Lod.SirCredulous Easy, your new Lover just come to town Bag and Baggage, and I was going to acquaint my Mother with it.

Isab.You’ll find her well employ’d with my CousinLeander.

Lucr.A happy opportunity to free him: but what shall I do now, Brother?

Lod.Oh, let me alone to ruin him with my Mother: get you gone, I think I hear him coming, and this Apartment is appointed for him.

Lucr.Prithee haste then, and freeLeander, we’ll into the Garden.ExeuntLuc.andIsab.

Lod.Yes—’tis the Right Worshipful, I’ll to my Mother with the News.Ex.Lod.

Sir Cred.Come undo my Portmantle, and equip me, that I may look like some body before I see the Ladies—Curry, thou shalt e’en removenow,Curry, fromGroom to Footman; for I’ll ne’er keep Horse more, no, nor Mare neither, since my poorGillian’sdeparted this Life.

Cur.’Ds diggers, Sir, you have griev’d enough for your Mare in all Conscience; think of your Mistress now, Sir, and think of her no more.

Sir Cred.Not think of her! I shall think of her whilst I live, poor Fool, that I shall, though I had forty Mistresses.

Cur.Nay, to say truth, Sir, ’twas a good-natur’d civil beast, and so she remain’d to her last gasp, for she cou’d never have left this World in a better time, as the saying is, so near her Journey’s End.

Sir Cred.A civil Beast! Why, was it civilly done of her, thinkest thou, to die atBranford, when had she liv’d till to morrow, she had been converted into Money and have been in my Pocket? for now I am to marry and live in Town, I’ll sell off all my Pads; poor Fool, I think she e’en died for grief I wou’d have sold her.

Cur.’Twas unlucky to refuse ParsonCuffet’sWife’s Money for her, Sir.

Sir Cred.Ay, and to refuse her another kindness too, that shall be nameless which she offer’d me, and which wou’d have given me good luck in Horse-flesh too; Zoz, I was a modest fool, that’s truth on’t.

Cur.Well, well, Sir, her time was come you must think, and we are all Mortal as the saying is.

Sir Cred.Well, ’twas the lovingst Tit:—but Grass and Hay, she’s gone—where be her Shoes,Curry?

Cur.Here, Sir, her Skin went for good Ale atBranford.Gives him the Shoes.

Sir Cred.Ah, how often has she carry’d me upon these Shoes to MotherJumbles; thou remember’st her handsome Daughter, and what pure Ale she brew’d; between one and t’other my Rent came short home there; but let that pass too, and hang sorrow, as thou sayst, I have something else to think on.Takes his things out, lays them upon the Table.

And,Curry, as soon as I am drest, go you away to St.Clement’s Church-yard, toJacksonthe Cobler there.

Cur.What, your Dog-tutor, Sir?

Sir Cred.Yes, and see how my Whelp proves, I put to him last Parliament.

Cur.Yes, Sir.

EnterLeander, and starts back seeing SirCred.

Sir Cred.And ask him what Gamesters come to the Ponds now adays, and what good Dogs.

Cur.Yes, Sir.

Lean.This is the BeastLodwickspoke of; how could I laugh were he design’d for any butLucretia!Aside.

Sir Cred.And dost hear, ask him if he have not sold his own DogDiverwith the white Ear; if I can purchase him, and my own Dog prove right, I’ll be Duke of Ducking-Pond, ads zoz.SirCred.dresses himself.

Well, I think I shall be fine anon, he.

Cur.But zo, zo, Sir, as the saying is, this Suit’s a little out of fashion, ’twas made that very year I came to your Worship, which is five Winters, and as many Summers.

Sir Cred.What then Mun, I never wear it, but when I go to be drunk, and give my Voice for a Knight o’th’Shire, and here atLondonin Term time, and that but eight times in Eight Visits to Eight several Ladies to whom I was recommended.

Cur.I wonder that amongst eight you got not one, Sir.

Sir Cred.Eight! Zoz, I had Eight score, Mun; but the Devil was in ’em, they were all so forward, that before I cou’d seal and deliver, whip, quothJethro, they were either all married to some body else, or run quite away; so that I am resolv’d if this sameLucretiaproves not right, I’ll e’en forswear this Town and all their false Wares, amongst which, zoz, I believe they vent as many false Wives as anyMetropolitanin Christendom, I’ll say that for’t, and a Fiddle for’t, i’faith:—come give me my Watch out,—so, my Diamond Rings too: so, I think I shall appear pretty well all together,Curry, hah?

Lean.Like some thing monstrously ridiculous, I’ll be sworn.Aside.

Cur.Here’s your Purse of broad Gold, Sir, that your Grandmother gave you to go a wooing withal, I mean to shew, Sir.

Sir Cred.Ay, for she charg’d me never to part with it;—so, now for the Ladies.Shakes his Ribbons.

EnterLodwick.

Lod.Leander, what mak’st thou here, like a Holy-day Fool gazing at a Monster?

Lean.Yes; And one I hope I have no great reason to fear.

Lod.I am of thy opinion; away, my Mother’s coming; take this opportunity with my Sister, she’s i’th’ Garden, and let me alone with this Fool, for an Entertainment that shall shew him all at once: away—ExitLean.Lod.goes in to SirCred.

Sir Cred.Lodwick, my dear Friend! and little Spark of Ingenuity—Zoz, Man, I’m but just come to Town.Embrace.

Lod.’Tis a joyful hearing, Sir.

Sir Cred.Not so joyful neither, Sir, when you shall know poorGillian’sdead, my little grey Mare; thou knew’st her, mun: Zoz, ’thas made me as melancholy as the Drone of aLancashireBag-pipe. But let that pass; and now we talk of my Mare, Zoz, I long to see this Sister of thine.

Lod.She’ll be with you presently, SirCredulous.

Sir Cred.But hark ye, Zoz, I have been so often fob’d off in these matters, that between you and I,Lodwick, if I thought I shou’d not have her, Zoz, I’d ne’er lose precious time about her.

Lod.Right, Sir; and to say truth, these Women have so much Contradiction in ’em, that ’tis ten to one but a Man fails in the Art of pleasing.

Sir Cred.Why, there’s it:—therefore prithee, dearLodwick, tell me a few of thy Sister’s Humors, and if I fail,—then hang me, Ladies, at your Door, as the Song says.

Lod.Why, faith, she has many odd Humors hard enough to hit.

Sir Cred.Zoz, let ’em be as hard asHerculeshis Labors in the Vale ofBasse, I’ll not be frighted from attempting her.

Lod.Why, she’s one of those fantastick Creatures that must be courted her own way.

Sir Cred.Why, let’s hear her way.

Lod.She must be surpriz’d with strange Extravagancies wholly out of the Road and Method of common Courtship.

Sir Cred.Shaw, is that all? Zoz, I’m the best in Christendom at your out-of-the-way bus’nesses.—Now do I find the Reason of all my ill Success; for I us’d one and the same method to all I courted, whatever their Humors were; hark ye, prithee give me a hint or two, and let me alone to manage Matters.

Lod.I have just now thought of a way that cannot but take—

Sir Cred.Zoz, out with it, Man.

Lod.Why, what if you should represent a dumb Ambassador from the Blind God of Love.

Sir Cred.How, a dumb Ambassador? Zoz, Man, how shall I deliver my Embassy then, and tell her how much I love her?—besides, I had a pure Speech or two ready by heart, and that will be quite lost.Aside.

Lod.Fy, fy! how dull you are! why, you shall do it by Signs, and I’ll be your Interpreter.

Sir Cred.Why, faith, this will be pure; I understand you now, Zoz, I am old excellent at Signs;—I vow this will be rare.

Lod.It will not fail to do your business, if well manag’d—but stay, here’s my Sister, on your life not a syllable.

EnterLean.Lucr.andIsab.

Sir Cred.I’ll be rackt first,Mum budget,—prithee present me, I long to be at it, sure.He falls back, making Faces and Grimaces.

Lod.Sister, I here present you with a worthy Knight, struck dumb with Admiration of your Beauty; but that’s all one, he is employ’d Envoy Extraordinary from the blind God of Love: and since, like his young Master, he must be defective in one of his Senses, he chose rather to be dumb than blind.

Lucr.I hope the small Deity is in good Health, Sir?

Isab.And his MistressPsyche, Sir?He smiles and bows, and makes Signs.

Lod.He says thatPsychehas been sick of late, but somewhat recovered, and has sent you for a Token a pair of Jet Bracelets, and a Cambrick Handkerchief of her own spinning, with a Sentence wrought in’t,Heart in hand, at thy command.Looking every word upon SirCredulousas he makes signs.

Sir Cred.Zoz,Lodwick, what do you mean? I’m the Son of anEgyptianif I understand thee.Pulls him, he signs to him to hold his peace.

Lod.Come, Sir, the Tokens, produce, produce—He falls back making damnable signs.

How! Faith, I’m sorry for that with all my heart,—he says, being somewhat put to’t on his Journey, he was forced to pawn the Bracelets for half a Crown, and the Handkerchief he gave his Landlady on the Road for a Kindness received,—this ’tis when People will be fooling—

Sir Cred.Why, the Devil’s in thisLodwick, for mistaking my Signs thus: hang me if ever I thought of Bracelets or a Handkerchief, or ever received a Civility from any Woman Breathing,—is he bewitcht trow?Aside.

Lean.Lodwick, you are mistaken in the Knight’s meaning all this while. Look on him, Sir,—do not you guess from that Look, and wrying of his Mouth, that you mistook the Bracelets for Diamond Rings, which he humbly begs, Madam, you would grace with your fair Hand?

Lod.Ah, now I perceive it plain.

Sir Cred.A Pox of his Compliment. Why, this is worse than t’other.—What shall I do in this case?—should I speak and undeceive them, they would swear ’twere to save my Jems: and to part with ’em—Zoz, how simply should I look!—but hang’t, when I have married her, they are my own again.Gives the Rings, and falls back into Grimaces.Leanderwhispers toLodwick.

Lod.Enough—Then, Sister, she has sent you a Purse of her own knitting full of Broad Gold.

Sir. Cred.Broad Gold! why, what a Pox does the Man conjure?

Lod.Which, Sister, faith, you must accept of, you see by that Grimace how much ’twill grieve him else.

Sir Cred.A pretty civil way this to rob a Man.—Why,Lodwick,—why, what a Pox, will they have no mercy?—Zoz, I’ll see how far they’ll drive the Jest.Gives the Gold and bows, and scrapes and screws.

Lod.Say you so, Sir? well I’ll see what may be done.—Sister, behold him, and take pity on him; he has butone more humble request to make you, ’tis to receive a Gold Watch which he designs you from himself.

Sir Cred.Why, how long has this Fellow been a Conjurer? for he does deal with the Devil, that’s certain,—Lodwick—Pulls him.

Lod.Ay do, speak and spoil all, do.

Sir Cred.Speak and spoil all, quoth he! and the Duce take me if I am not provok’d to’t; why, how the Devil should he light slap-dash, as they say, upon every thing thus? Well, Zoz, I’m resolv’d to give it her, and shame her if she have any Conscience in her.Gives his Watch with pitiful Grimaces.

Lod.Now, Sister, you must know there’s a Mystery in this Watch, ’tis a kind of Hieroglyphick that will instruct you how a Married Woman of your Quality ought to live.

Sir Cred.How, my Watch Mysteries and Hieroglyphicks! the Devil take me, if I knew of any such Virtues it had.They are all looking on the Watch.

Lod.Beginning at Eight, from which down to Twelve you ought to imploy in dressing, till Two at Dinner, till Five in Visits, till Seven at the Play, till Nine i’th’ Park, Ten at Supper with your Lover, if your Husband benotat home, or keep his distance, which he’s too well bred not to do; then from Ten to Twelve are the happy Hoursthe Bergere, those of intire Enjoyment.—

Sir Cred.Say you so? hang me if I shall not go near to think I may chance to be a Cuckold by the shift.

Isab.Well, Sir, what must she do from Twelve till Eight again?

Lod.Oh! those are the dull Conjugal Hours for sleeping with her own Husband, and dreaming of Joys her absent Lover alone can give her.

Sir Cred.Nay, an she be for Sleeping, Zoz, I am as good at that as she can be for her Heart; or Snoring either.

Lod.But I have done; SirCreduloushas a dumb Oration to make you by way of farther Explanation.

Sir Cred.A dumb Oration! now do I know no more how to speak a dumb Speech thana Dog.

Luc.Oh, I love that sort of Eloquence extremely.

Lod.I told you this would take her.

Sir Cred.Nay, I know your silent Speeches are incomparable, and I have such a Speech in my Head.

Lod.Your Postures, your Postures, begin, Sir.He puts himself into a ready Posture as if he would speak, but only makes Faces.

EnterPage.

Pag.Sir, my Lady desires to speak with you.ToLean.

Lean.I’ll wait on her,—a Devil on’t.—

Pag.I have command to bring you, Sir, instantly.

Lean.This is ill luck, Madam, I cannot see the Farce out; I’ll wait on you as soon as my good Fortune will permit me.ExitwithPage.

Luc.He’s going to my Mother, dearIsabella, let’s go and hinder their Discourse: Farewel, Sir Ambassador, pray remember us toPsyche, not forgetting the little blind Archer, ha, ha, ha.—Ex.Lucr.andIsab.laughing.

Sir Cred.So, I have undone all, they are both gone, flown I protest; why, what a Devil ail’d em? Now have I been dumb all this while to no purpose, you too never told her my meaning right; as I hope to breathe, had any but yourself done this, I should have sworn byHeliconand all the rest of the Devils, you had had a design to have abus’d me, and cheated me of all my Moveables too.

Lod.What a hopeful Project was here defeated by my mistake! but courage, SirCredulous, I’ll put you in a way shall fetch all about again.

Sir Cred.Say you so? ah, dearLodwick, let me hear it.

Lod.Why, you shall this Night give your Mistress a Serenade.

Sir Cred.How! a Serenade!

Lod.Yes, but it must be perform’d after an Extravagantmanner, none of your dull amorous Night-walking Noises so familiar in this Town;Lucretialoves nothing but what’s great and extravagant, and passes the reach of vulgar practice.

Sir Cred.What think you of a silent Serenade? Zoz, say but the word and it shall be done, Man, let me alone for Frolicks, i’faith.

Lod.A silent one! no, that’s to wear a good humour to the Stumps; I wou’d have this want for no Noise; the extremes of these two Addresses will set off one another.

Sir Cred.Say you so? what think you then of the Bagpipe, Tongs, and Gridiron, Cat-calls, and loud-sounding Cymbals?

Lod.Naught, naught, and of known use; you might as well treat her with Viols and Flute-doux, which were enough to disoblige her for ever.

Sir Cred.Why, what think you then of the King ofBantam’sown Musick.

Lod.How! the King ofBantam’sMusick?

Sir Cred.Ay, Sir, the King ofBantam’s: a Friend of mine had a Present sent him from thence, a most unheard of curiosity I’ll assure you.

Lod.That, that by all means, Sir.

Sir Cred.Well, I’ll go borrow ’em presently.

Lod.You must provide your self of a Song.

Sir Cred.A Song! hang’t, ’tis but rummaging the Play-Books, stealing thence is lawful Prize—Well, Sir, your Servant.Exit.

EnterLeander.

Lod.I hope ’twill be ridiculous enough, and then the Devil’s in’t if it do not do his Business with my Mother, for she hates all impertinent Noises but what she makes herself. She’s now going to make a Visit to your Uncle, purposely to give me an opportunity toIsabella.

Lean.And I’m ingag’d to wait on her thither, shedesigns to carry the Fiddles too; he’s mad enough already, but such a Visit will fit him for Bedlam.

Lod.No matter, for you have all a leud Hand with him; between his continual imaginary Sickness, and perpetual Physic, a Man might take more Pleasure in an Hospital. What the Devil did he marry a young Wife for? and they say a handsome Creature too.

Lean.To keep up his Title of Cuckold I think, for she has Beauty enough for Temptation, and no doubt makes the right use on’t: wou’d I cou’d know it, that I might prevent her cheating my Uncle longer to my undoing.

Lod.She’ll be cunning enough for that, if she have Wit: but now thou talk’st of Intrigues, when didst seeWittmore? that Rogue has some lucky Haunt which we must find out.—But my Mother expects your attendance; I’ll go seek my Sister, and make all the Interest there I can for you, whilst you pay me in the same Coin toIsabella.Adieu.

Lean.Trust my Friendship.—

Ex. severally.

Enter LadyFancy,Wittmore, andMaundy.

Wit.Enough, my charming Mistress, you’ve set my Soul at Peace, and chas’d away those Fears and Doubts my Jealousy created there.

Maun.Mr.Wittmore’ssatisfy’d of your Constancy, Madam; though had I been your Ladyship, I should have given him a more substantial Proof, which you might yet do, if you wou’d make handsome use of your time.

Wit.Maundyadvises well; my dearest, let’s withdraw to yonder Covert Arbour, whose kind Shades will secure us a Happiness that Gods might envy.Offers to lead her out.

L. Fan.I dare not for the world, SirPatientis now asleep, and ’tis to those few Minutes we are oblig’d for this Enjoyment, which shou’d Love make us transgress, and he shou’d wake and surprize us, we are undone for ever: no, let us employ this little time we have in consulting how we may be often happy, and securely so: Oh, how I languish for the dear opportunity!

Wit.And cou’d you guess what Torments I have suffer’d in these few fatal Months that have divided us, thou wou’dst pity me.

L. Fan.—But to our Business; for though I am yet unsuspected by my Husband, I am eternally plagu’d with his Company; he’s so fond of me, he scarce gives me time to write to thee, he waits on me from room to room, hands me in the Garden, shoulders me in the Balcony, nay, does the office of my Women, dresses and undresses me, and does so smirk at his handywork: In fine, dearWittmore, I am impatient till I can have less of his Company, and more of thine.

Wit.Does he never go out of Town?

L. Fan.Never without me.

Wit.Nor toChuch?

L. Fan.To a Meeting-house you mean, and then too carries me, and is as vainly proud of me as of his rebellious Opinion, for his Religion means nothing but that, and Contradiction; which I seem to like too, since ’tis the best Cloke I can put on to cheat him with.

Wit.Right, my fair Hypocrite.

L. Fan.But, dearWittmore, there’s nothing so comical as to hear me cant, and even cheat those Knaves, the Preachers themselves, that delude the ignorant Rabble.

Wit.What Miracles cannot your Eyes and Tongue perform!

L. Fan.Judge what a fine Life I lead the while, to be set up with an old formal doting sick Husband, and a Herd of snivelling grinning Hypocrites, that call themselvesthe teaching Saints; who under pretence of securing me to the number of their Flock, do so sneer upon me, pat my Breasts, and cry fie, fie upon this fashion of tempting Nakedness.Through the Nose.

Wit.Dear Creature, how cou’d we laugh at thy new way of living, had we but some Minutes allow’d us to enjoy that Pleasure alone.

L. Fan.Think, dearWittmore, think,Maundyand I have thought over all our Devices to no purpose.

Wit.Pox on’t, I’m the dullest dog at plotting, thinking, in the world; I should have made a damnable ill Town Poet: Has he quite left off going to the Change?

L. Fan.Oh, he’s grown cautiously rich, and will venture none of his substantial Stock in transitory Traffick.

Wit.Has he no mutinous Cabal, nor Coffee-houses, where he goes religiously to consult the Welfare of the Nation?

L. Fan.His imagin’d Sickness has made this their Rendesvouz.

Wit.When he goes to his blind Devotion, cannot you pretend to be sick? that may give us at least two or three opportunities to begin with.

L. Fan.Oh! then I should be plagu’d with continual Physick and Extempore Prayer till I were sick indeed.

Wit.Damn the humorous Coxcomb and all his Family, what shall we do?

L. Fan.Not all, for he has a Daughter that has good Humour, Wit, and Beauty enough to save her,—stay—that has jogg’d a Thought, as the Learned say, which must jog on, till the motion have produc’d something worth my thinking.—

EnterRogerrunning.

Maun.Ad’s me, here’s danger near, our Scout comes in such haste.

L. Fan.Roger, what’s the matter?

Rog.My Master, Madam, is risen from sleep, and is come in to the Garden.—See, Madam, he’s here.

L. Fan.What an unlucky Accident was this?

Wit.What shall I do, ’tis too late to obscure my self?

L. Fan.He sees you already, through the Trees,—here—keep your distance, your Hat under your Arm; so, be very ceremonious, whilst I settle a demure Countenance.—

Maun.Well, there never came good of Lovers that were given to too much talking; had you been silently kind all this while, you had been willing to have parted by this time.

Enter SirPatientin a Night-Gown, reading a Bill.

Sir Pat.Hum,—Twelve Purges for this presentJanuary—as I take it, good Mr. Doctor, I took but Ten in allDecember.—By this Rule I am sicker this Month, than I was the last.—And, good Master Apothecary, methinks your Prizes are somewhat too high: at this rate no body wou’d be sick.—Here,Roger, see it paid however,—Ha, hum.Sees ’em, and starts back.What’s here, my Lady Wife entertaining a leud Fellow of the Town? a flaunting Cap and Feather Blade.

L. Fan.SirPatientcannot now be spoken with. But, Sir, that which I was going just now to say to you, was, that it would be very convenient in my opinion to make your Addresses toIsabella,—’twill give us opportunities.Aside.We Ladies love no Imposition; this is Counsel my Husband perhaps will not like, but I would have all Women chuse their Man, as I have done,—my dearWittmore.Aside.

Sir Pat.I profess ingenuously an excellent good Lady this of mine, though I do not like her Counsel to the young Man, who I perceive would be a Suitor to my DaughterIsabella.

Wit.Madam, should I follow my inclinations, I should pay my Vows no where but there,—but I am inform’d SirPatientis a Man so positively resolv’d.—

L. Fan.That you should love his Wife.Aside.

Wit.And I’ll comply with that Resolve of his, and neither love nor marryIsabella, without his Permission; and I doubt not but I shall by my Respects to him gain his Consent,—to cuckold him.Aside.

Sir Pat.I profess ingenuously, a very discreet young Man.

Wit.But, Madam, when may I promise my self the satisfaction of coming again? For I’m impatient for the Sight and Enjoyment of the fair Person I love.

L. Fan.Sir, you may come at night, and something I will do by that time shall certainly give you that access you wish for.

Wit.May I depend upon that Happiness?

L. Fan.Oh, doubt not my power over SirPatient.

Sir Pat.My LadyFancy, you promise largely.

L. Fan.SirPatienthere!

Wit.A Devil on him, wou’d I were well off: now must I dissemble, profess, and lye most confoundedly.

Sir Pat.Your Servant, Sir, your Servant.—My LadyFancy, your Ladyship, is well entertain’d I see; have a care you make me not jealous, my LadyFancy.

L. Fan.Indeed I have given you cause, SirPatient, for I have been entertaining a Lover, and one you must admit of too.

Sir Pat.Say you so, my LadyFancy?—Well, Sir, I am a Man of Reason, and if you shew me good causes why, can bid you welcome, for I do nothing without Reason and Precaution.

Wit.Sir, I have—

Sir Pat.I know what you wou’d say, Sir; few Words denoteth a Wise Head,—you wou’d say that you have an Ambition to be my Son-in-Law.

Wit.You guess most right, Sir.

Sir Pat.Nay, Sir, I’ll warrant I’ll read a Man as well as the best, I have studied it.

Wit.Now, Invention, help me or never.

Sir Pat.Your Name, I pray?Putting off his Hat gravely at every Word.

Wit.Fainlove, Sir.

Sir Pat.Good Mr.Fainlove, your Country?

Wit.Yorkshire, Sir.

Sir Pat.What, not Mr.Fainlove’sSon ofYorkshire, who was knighted in the good days of the late Lord Protector?Off his Hat.

Wit.The same, Sir.—I am in, but how to come off again the Devil take me if I know.Aside.

Sir Pat.He was a Man of admirable parts, believe me, a notable Head piece, a publick-spirited Person, and a good Commonwealths-man, that he was, on my word.—Your Estate, Sir, I pray?Hat off.

Wit.I have not impair’d it, Sir, and I presume you know its value:—For I am a Dog if I do.Aside.

Sir Pat.O’ my Word, ’tis then considerable, Sir; for he left but one Son, and fourteen hundred Poundsper Annum, as I take it: which Son, I hear, is lately come fromGeneva, whither he was sent for virtuous Education. I am glad of your Arrival, Sir.—Your Religion, I pray?

Wit.You cannot doubt my Principles, Sir, since educated atGeneva.

Sir Pat.Your Father was a discreet Man: ah, Mr.Fainlove, he and I have seen better days, and wish we cou’d have foreseen these that are arriv’d.

Wit.That he might have turn’d honest in time, he means, before he had purchas’d Bishops Lands.

Sir Pat.Sir, you have no Place, Office, Dependance or Attendance at Court, I hope?

Wit.None, Sir,—Wou’d I had—so you were hang’d.Aside.

L. Fan.Nay, Sir, you may believe, I knew his Capacities and Abilities before I would encourage his Addresses.

Sir Pat.My LadyFancy, you are a discreet Lady;—Well,I’ll marry her out of hand, to prevent Mr.Lodwick’shopes: for though the young man may deserve well, that Mother of his I’ll have nothing to do with, since she refused to marry my Nephew.Aside.

EnterFanny.

Fan.Sir Father, here’s my LadyKnowell, and her Family come to see you.

Sir Pat.How! her whole Family! I am come to keep open House; very fine, her whole Family! she’s Plague enough to mortify any good Christian,—Tell her, my Lady and I am gone forth; tell her any thing to keep her away.

Fan.Shou’d I tell a lye, Sir Father, and to a Lady of her Quality?

Sir Pat.Her Quality and she are a Couple of Impertinent things, which are very troublesome, and not to be indur’d I take it.

Fan.Sir, we shou’d bear with things we do not love sometimes, ’tis a sort of Trial, Sir, a kind of Mortification fit for a good Christian.

Sir Pat.Why, what a notable talking Baggage is this! How came you by this Doctrine?

Fan.I remember, Sir, you preach’d it once to my Sister, when the old Alderman was the Text, whom you exhorted her to marry, but the wicked Creature made ill use on’t.

Sir Pat.Go your way for a prating Huswife, go, and call your Sister hither.ExitFanny.—Well, I’m resolv’d to leave this Town, nay, and the World too, rather than be tormented thus.

L. Fan.What’s the matter, Dear, thou dost so fret thy self?

Sir Pat.The matter! my House, my House is besieged with Impertinence; the intolerable Lady, MadamRomance, that walking Library of profane Books is come to visit me.

L. Fan.My LadyKnowell?

Sir Pat.Yes, that Lady of eternal Noise and hard Words.

L. Fan.Indeed ’tis with pain I am oblig’d to be civil to her, but I consider her Quality, her Husband was too an Alderman, your Friend, and a greatAy and No Mani’ th’ City, and a painful Promoter of the good Cause.

Sir Pat.But she’s a Fop, my LadyFancy, and ever was so, an idle conceited she Fop; and has Vanity and Tongue enough to debauch any Nation under civil Government: but, Patience, thou art a Virtue, and Affliction will come.—Ah, I’m very sick, alas, I have not long to dwell amongst the Wicked, Oh, oh.—Roger, is the Doctor come?

EnterRoger.

Rog.No, Sir, but he has sent you a small draught of a Pint, which you are to take, and move upon’t.

Sir Pat.Ah,—Well, I’ll in and take it;—Ah—Sir, I crave your Patience for a moment, for I design you shall see my Daughter, I’ll not make long work on’t, Sir: alas, I would dispose of her before I die: Ah,—I’ll bring her to you, Sir, Ah, Ah.—Goes out withRoger.

L. Fan.He’s always thus when visited, to save Charges,—But how, dearWittmore, cam’st thou to think of a Name and Country so readily?

Wit.Egad, I was at the height of my Invention, and the Alderman civilly and kindly assisted me with the rest; but how to undeceive him—

L. Fan.Take no care for that, in the mean time you’ll be shreudly hurt to have the way laid open to our Enjoyment, and that by my Husband’s procurement too: But take heed, dearWittmore, whilst you only design to feign a Courtship, you do it not in good earnest.

Wit.Unkind Creature!

L. Fan.I would not have you endanger her Heart neither: for thou hast Charms will do’t.—Prithee do notput on thy best Looks, nor speak thy softest Language; for if thou dost, thou canst not fail to undo her.

Wit.Well, my pretty Flatterer, to free her Heart and thy Suspicions, I’ll make such aukward Love as shall persuade her, however she chance to like my Person, to think most leudly of my Parts.—But ’tis fit I take my leave, for ifLodwickorLeandersee me here, all will be ruin’d; death, I had forgot that.

L. Fan.Leander’sseldom at home, and you must time your Visits: but see SirPatient’sreturn’d, and with him your new Mistress.

Enter SirPatientandIsabella.

Sir Pat.Here’s my DaughterIsabella, Mr.Fainlove: she’ll serve for a Wife, Sir, as times go; but I hope you are none of those.—Sweet-heart, this Gentleman I have design’d you, he’s rich and young, and I am old and sickly, and just going out of the World, and would gladly see thee in safe Hands.

Maun.He has been just going this twenty Years.Aside.

Sir Pat.Therefore I command you to receive the tenders of his Affection.

EnterFanny.

Fan.Sir Father, my LadyKnowell’sin the Garden.

L. Fan.My Dear, we must go meet her in decency.

Sir Pat.A hard case, a Man cannot be sick in quiet.Exitwith L.Fan.

Isab.A Husband, and that notLodwick! Heaven forbid.Aside.

Wit.Now Foppery assist to make me very ridiculous,—Death, she’s very pretty and inviting; what an insensible Dog shall I be counted to refuse the Enjoyment of so fair, so new a Creature, and who is like to be thrown into my Arms too whether I will or not?—but Conscience andmy Vows to the fair Mother: No, I will be honest.—Madam,—as Gad shall save me, I’m the Son of a Whore, if you are not the most Belle Person I ever saw, and if I be not damnably in love with you; but a pox take all tedious Courtship, I have a free-born and generous Spirit; and as I hate being confin’d to dull Cringing, Whining, Flattering, and the Devil and all of Foppery, so when I give an Heart, I’m an Infidel, Madam, if I do not love to do’t frankly and quickly, that thereby I may oblige the beautiful Receiver of my Vows, Protestations, Passions, and Inclination.

Isab.You’re wonderful ingaging, Sir, and I were an Ingrate not to facilitate a return for the Honour you are pleas’d to do me.

Wit.Upon my Reputation, Madam, you’re a civil well-bred Person, you have all the Agreemony of your Sex,la belle Taille,la bonne Mine, &Reparteeébien, and aretout oure toore, as I’m a Gentleman,fort agreeable.—If this do not please your Lady, and nauseate her, the Devil’s in ’em both for unreasonable Women.—ToMaun.

Fan.Gemini, Sister, does the Gentleman conjurer?

Isab.I know not, but I’m sure I never saw a more affected Fop.

Maun.O, a damnable impertinent Fop! ’tis pity, for he’s a proper Gentleman.

Wit.Well, if I do hold out, Egad, I shall be the bravest young Fellow in Christendom: But, Madam, I must kiss your Hand at present, I have some Visits to make, Devoirs to pay, necessities of Gallantry only, no Love Engagements, byJove, Madam; it is sufficient I have given my Parole to your Father, to do him the honour of my Alliance; and an unnecessary Jealousy will but disoblige, Madam, your Slave.—Death, these Rogues see me, and I’m undone.—Exit.

Enter LadyFancy, LadyKnowell, SirCredulousandLucretia, with other Women and Men,Rogerattending.

L. Kno.Isabella, your Servant, Madam: being sensible of the insociable and solitary Life you lead, I have brought my whole Family to wait on your Ladyship, and this my Sonin Futuro, to kiss your Hands, I beseech your Ladyship to know him for your humble Servant: my Son and your Nephew, Madam, are coming with the Musick too, we mean to pass the whole Day with your Ladyship:—and see they are here.

EnterLodwickpulling inWittmore,Leanderwith them.

Lod.Nay, since we have met thee so luckily, you must back with us.

Wit.You must excuse me, Gentlemen.

Lod.We’ll shew you two or three fine Women.

Wit.Death, these Rogues will ruin me—but I have Business, Gentlemen, that—

Lean.That must not hinder you from doing Deeds of Charity: we are all come to teeze my Uncle, and you must assist at so good a Work;—come, gad, thou shall make love to my Aunt.—I wou’d he wou’d effectually.Aside.

Lod.Now I think on’t, what the Devil dost thou make here?

Wit.Here!—oh, Sir—a—I have a design upon the Alderman.

Lod.Upon his handsome Wife thou meanest; ah, Rogue!

Wit.Faith, no,—a—’tis to—borrow Mony of him; and as I take it, Gentlemen, you are not fit Persons for a Man of Credit to be seen with, I pass for a graver Man.

Lod.Well, Sir, take your Course—but, egad, he’ll sooner lend thee his Wife than his Money.

ExitWittmore, they come in.

Lean.Aunt, I have taken the boldness to bring a Gentleman of my Acquaintance to kiss your Ladyship’s Hands.

Lod.Thy Aunt!—death, she’s very handsome.—Madam, your most humble Servant.Kisses the L.Fan.

Lean.Prithee imploy this Fool, that I may have an opportunity to entertain thy Sister.

Lod.SirCredulous, what, not a Word? not a Compliment? Hah,—be brisk, Man, be gay and witty, talk to the Ladies.

Sir Cred.Talk to ’em! why, what shall I say to ’em?

Lod.Any thing, so it be to little purpose.

Sir Cred.Nay, Sir, let me alone for that matter—but who are they, prithee?

Lod.Why, that’s my LadyFancy, and that’s her Daughter-in-Law, salute ’em, Man.—

Sir Cred.Fair Lady,—I do protest and vow, you are the most beautiful of all Mothers-in-Law, and the World cannot produce your equal.

Lod.The Rogue has but one method for all Addresses.They laugh.

L. Kno.Oh, absurd! this, Sir, is the beautiful Mother-in-Law.To L.Fan.

Enter SirPatient.

Sir Cred.Most noble Lady, I cry your mercy. Then, Madam, as the Sun amongst the Stars, or rather as the Moon not in conjunction with the Sun, but in her opposition, when one rises the other sets, or as the Vulgar call it, Full Moon—I say, as the Moon is the most beautiful of all the sparkling Lights, even so are you the most accomplish’d Lady under the Moon—and, Madam, I am extremely sensible of your Charms and celestial Graces.ToIsabella.

Sir Pat.Why, this is abominable and insupportable.

Lucr.I find, Sir, you can talk to purpose when you begin once.

Sir Cred.You are pleased to say so, noble Lady: but I must needs say, I am not the worst bred Gentleman for a Country Gentleman that ever you saw; for you mustknow, incomparable Lady, that I was at the University three Years, and there I learnt my Logick and Rhetorick, whereby I became excellent at Repartee, sweet Lady. As for my Estate, my Father died since I came of Age, and left me a small younger Brother’s Portion, dear Lady.

Lucr.A younger Brother’s, Sir?

Sir Cred.Ha, ha, I know what you would infer from that now: but you must know, delicious Lady, that I am all the Children my Father had.

Lucr.Witty, I protest.

Sir Cred.Nay, Madam, when I set on’t I can be witty.

Lean.CruelLucretia, leave ’em, and let us snatch this opportunity to talk of our own Affairs.

Sir Cred.For you must know, bright Lady, though I was pleas’d to railly my self, I have a pretty competent Estate of about 3000l.a Year, and am to marry MadamLucretia.

L. Fan.You are a happy Man, Sir.

Sir Cred.Not so happy neither, inestimable Lady, for I lost the finest Mare yesterday,—but let that pass: were you never inDevonshire, Madam?

L. Fan.Never, Sir.

Sir Cred.In troth, and that’s pity, sweet Lady; for if you lov’d Hawking, Drinking, and Whoring,—oh, Lord, I mean Hunting; i’faith, there be good Fellows would keep you Company, Madam.

Sir Pat.This is a Plot upon me, a mere Plot.—My LadyFancy, be tender of my Reputation, Foppery’s catching, and I had as lieve be a Cuckold as Husband to a vain Woman.

Sir Cred.Zoz, and that may be as you say, noble Sir. Lady, pray what Gentleman’s this?—Noble Sir, I am your most humble Servant.

Sir Pat.Oh, cry your mercy, Sir.Walks away.

Sir Cred.No Offence, dear Sir, I protest: ’slife, I believe ’tis the Master of the House, he look’d with suchAuthority;—why, who cares, let him look as big as the four Winds, East, West, North and South, I care not this,—therefore I beg your Pardon, noble Sir.

Sir Pat.Pray spare your Hat and Legs, Sir, till you come to Court, they are thrown away i’th’ City.

Sir Cred.O Lord! dear Sir, ’tis all one for that, I value not a Leg nor an Arm amongst Friends, I am aDevonshireKnight, Sir, all the World knows, a kind of Country Gentleman, as they say, and am come to Town, to marry my LadyKnowell’sDaughter.

Sir Pat.I’m glad on’t, Sir.Walks away, he follows.

Sir Cred.She’s a deserving Lady, Sir, if I have any Judgment; and I think I understand a Lady, Sir, in the Right Honourable way of Matrimony.

Sir Pat.Well, Sir, that is to say, you have been married before, Sir; and what’s all this to me, good Sir?

Sir Cred.Married before! incomparable, Sir! not so neither, for there’s difference in Men, Sir.

Sir Pat.Right, Sir, for some are Wits, and some are Fools.

Sir Cred.As I hope to breathe, ’twas a saying of my Grandmother’s, who us’d to tell me, Sir, that bought Wit was best. I have brought Money to Town for a small purchase of that kind; for, Sir, I wou’d fain set up for a Country Wit.—Pray, Sir, where live the Poets, for I wou’d fain be acquainted with some of them.

Sir Pat.Sir, I do not know, nor do I care for Wits and Poets. Oh, this will kill me quite; I’ll out of Town immediately.

Sir Cred.But, Sir, I mean your fine railing Bully Wits, that have Vinegar, Gall and Arsenick in ’em, as well as Salt and Flame, and Fire, and the Devil and all.

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