Feth.Have you heard of aSpanishLady,How she woo’d anEnglishMan?Blunt.Why, how now, Fetherfool?Feth.Garments gay, and rich as may be,Deckt with Jewels, had she on.Blunt.Why, how now, Justice, what run mad out of Dog-days?Feth.Of a comely Countenance and Grace is she,A sweeter Creature in the World there could not be.Shift.Why, what the Devil’s the matter, Sir?Blunt.Stark mad, ’dshartlikins.Feth.Of a Comely Countenance—well, Lieutenant, the most heroick and illustrious Madona! Thou saw’st her,Ned:And of a comely Counte—The most Magnetick Face—well—I knew the Charms of these Eyes of mine were not made in vain: I was design’d for great things, that’s certain—And a sweeter Creature in the World there could not be.[Singing.Blunt.What then the two Lady Monsters are forgotten? the Design upon the Million of Money, the Coach and Six, and Patent for Right Worshipful, all drown’d in the Joy of this new Mistress?—But well, Lieutenant, since he is so well provided for, you may put in with me for a Monster; such a Jest, and such a Sum, is not to be lost.Shift.Nor shall not, or I have lost my Aim.[Aside.Feth.[Putting off his Hat.] Your Pardons, good Gentlemen; and tho I perceive I shall have no great need for so trifling a Sum as a hundred thousand Pound, or so, yet a Bargain’s a Bargain, Gentlemen.Blunt.Nay,’dsheartlikins, the Lieutenant scorns to do a foul thing, d’ye see, but we would not have the Monsters slighted.Feth.Slighted! no, Sir, I scorn your Words, I’d have ye to know, that I have as high a Respect for Madam Monster, as any Gentleman in Christendom, and so I desire she should understand.Blunt.Why, this is that that’s handsom.Shift.Well, the Mountebank’s come, Lodgings are taken at his House, and the Guardian prepar’d to receive you on the aforesaid Terms, and some fifty Pistoles to the Mountebank to stand your Friend, and the Business is done. Feth. Which shall be perform’d accordingly, I have it ready about me.Blunt.And here’s mine, put ’em together, and let’s be speedy, lest some should bribe higher, and put in before us.[Feth.takes the Money, and looks pitiful on’t.Feth.Tis a plaguy round Sum,Ned, pray God it turn to Account.Blunt.Account, ’dsheartlikins, ’tis not in the Power of mortal Man to cozen ’me.Shift.Oh fie, Sir, cozen you, Sir!—well, you’ll stay here and see the Mountebank, he’s coming forth.[A Hollowing. Enter from the Front a Bank,a Pageant, which they fix on the Stage at one side, a little Pavilionon’t, Musick playing, and Operators round below, or Antickers.[Musick plays, and an Antick Dance.EnterWillmorelike a Mountebank, with a Dagger in one Hand, and a Viol in the other,HarlequinandScaramouche;Carlowith otherSpaniardsbelow, and Rabble;AriadneandLuciaabove in the Balcony, others on the other side,FetherfoolandBluntbelow.Will.(bowing) Behold this little Viol, which contains in its narrow Bounds what the whole Universe cannot purchase, if sold to its true Value; this admirable, this miraculous Elixir, drawn from the Hearts of Mandrakes, Phenix Livers, and Tongues ofMaremaids, and distill’d by contracted Sun-Beams, has besides the unknown Virtue of curing all Distempers both of Mind and Body, that divine one of animating the Heart of Man to that Degree, that however remiss, cold and cowardly by Nature, he shall become vigorous and brave. Oh stupid and insensible Man, when Honour and secure Renown invites you, to treat it with Neglect, even when you need but passive Valour, to become the Heroes of the Age; receive a thousand Wounds, each of which wou’d let out fleeting Life: Here’s that can snatch the parting Soul in its full Career, and bring it back to its native Mansion; baffles grim Death, and disappoints even Fate.Feth.Oh Pox,an a Manwere sure of that now—Will.Behold, here’s Demonstration—[Harlequin stabs himself,and fallsas dead.Feth.Hold, hold, why, what the Devil is the Fellow mad?Blunt.Why, do’st think he has hurt himself?Feth.Hurt himself! why, he’s murder’d, Man; ’tis flatFelo de se, in any ground inEngland, if I understand Law, and I have been a Justice o’th’ Peace.Will.See, Gentlemen, he’s dead—Feth.Look ye there now, I’ll be gone lest I be taken as an Accessary.[Going out.Will.Coffin him, inter him, yet after four and twenty Hours, as many Drops of this divine Elixir give him new Life again; this will recover whole Fields of slain, and all the Dead shall rise and fight again—’twas this that made the Roman Lemons numerous, and now makesFranceso formidable, and this alone—may be the Occasion of the loss ofGermany.[Pours inHarlequin’sWound, he rises.Feth.Why this Fellow’s the Devil,Ned, that’s for certain.Blunt.Oh plague, a damn’d Conjurer, this—Will.Come, buy this Coward’s Comfort, quickly buy; what Fop would be abus’d, mimick’d and scorn’d, for fear of Wounds can be so easily cured? Who is’t wou’d bear the Insolence and Pride of domineering great Men, proud Officers or Magistrates? or who wou’d cringe to Statesmen out of Fear? What Cully wou’d be cuckolded? What foolish Heir undone by cheating Gamesters? What Lord wou’d be lampoon’d? What Poet fear the Malice of his satirical Brother, or Atheist fear to fight for fear of Death? Come buy my Coward’s Comfort, quickly buy.Feth.Egad,Ned, a very excellent thing this; I’ll lay out ten Reals upon this Commodity.[They buy, whilst another Part of the Dance is danc’d.Will.Behold this little Paper, which contains a Pouder, whose Value surmounts that of Rocks of Diamonds and Hills of Gold; ’twas this madeVenusa Goddess, and was given her byApollo, from her deriv’d toHelen, and in the Sack ofTroylost, till recover’d by me out of some Ruins ofAsia.Come, buy it, Ladies, you that wou’d be fair and wear eternal Youth; and you in whom the amorous Fire remains, when all the Charms are fled: You that dress young and gay, and would be thought so, that patch and paint, to fill up sometimes old Furrows on your Brows, and set yourselves for Conquest, tho in vain; here’s that will give you aubern Hair, white Teeth, red Lips, and Dimples onyour Cheeks: Come, buy it all you that are past bewitching, and wou’d have handsom, young and active Lovers.Feth.Another good thing,Ned.Car.I’ll lay out a Pistole or two in this, if it have the same Effect on Men.Will.Come, all you City Wives, that wou’d advance your Husbands to Lord Mayors, come, buy of me new Beauty; this will give it tho now decay’d, as are your Shop Commodities; this will retrieve your Customers, and vend your false and out of fashion’d Wares: cheat, lye, protest and cozen as you please, a handsom Wife makes all a lawful Gain. Come, City Wives, come, buy.Feth.A most prodigious Fellow![They buy, he sits, the other Part is danc’d.Will.But here, behold the Life and Soul of Man! this is the amorous Pouder, whichVenusmade and gave the God of Love, which made him first a Deity; you talk of Arrows, Bow, and killing Darts; Fables, poetical Fictions, and no more: ’tis this alone that wounds and fires the Heart, makes Women kind, and equals Men to Gods; ’tis this that makes your great Lady doat on the ill-favour’d Fop; your great Man be jilted by his little Mistress, the Judge cajol’d by his Semstress, and your Politican by his Comedian; your young Lady doat on her decrepid Husband, your Chaplain on my Lady’s Waiting-Woman, and the young Squire on the Landry-Maid—In fine, Messieurs,’Tis this that cures the Lover’s Pain,AndCeliaof her cold Disdain.Feth.A most devilish Fellow this!Blunt.Hold, shartlikins,Fetherfool, let’s have a Dose or two of this Pouder for quick Dispatch with our Monsters.Feth.Why Pox, Man, Jugg my Giant would swallow a whole Cart-Load before ’twould operate.Blunt.No hurt in trying a Paper or two however.Car.A most admirable Receit, I shall have need on’t.Will.I need say nothing of my divine Baths of Reformation, nor the wonders of the old Oracle of the Box, which resolves all Questions, my Bills sufficiently declare their Virtue.[Sits down. They buy.EnterPetronella Elenoracarried in a Chair, dress’d like a Girl of Fifteen.Shift.Room there, Gentlemen, room for a Patient.Blunt.Pray, Seignior, who may this be thus muzzl’d by old Gaffer Time?Car.OnePetronella Elenora, Sir, a famous outworn Curtezan.Blunt.Elenora!she may be that ofTroyfor her Antiquity, tho fitter for GodPriapusto ravish thanParis.Shift.Hunt, a word; dost thou see that same formal Politician yonder, on the Jennet, the nobler Animal of the two?Hunt.What of him?Shift.’Tis the same drew on the Captain this Morning, and I must revenge the Affront.Hunt.Have a care of Revenges inSpain, upon Persons of his Quality.Shift.Nay, I’ll only steal his Horse from under him.Hunt.Steal it! thou may’st take it by force perhaps; but how safely is a Question.Shift.I’ll warrant thee—shoulder you up one side of his great Saddle, I’ll do the like on t’other; then heaving him gently up,Harlequinshall lead the Horse from between his Worship’s Legs: All this in the Crowd will not be perceiv’d, where all Eyes are imploy’d on the Mountebank.Hunt.I apprehend you now—[Whilst they are liftingPetronellaon the Mountebank’s Stage, they go into the Crowd, shoulder upCarlo’sSaddle.Harlequinleads the Horse forward, whilstCarlois gazing, and turning up his Mustachios; they hold him up a little while, then let him drop: he rises and stares about for his Horse.Car.This is flat Conjuration.Shift.What’s your Worship on foot?Hunt.I never saw his Worship on foot before.Car.Sirrah, none of your Jests, this must be by diabolical Art, and shall cost the Seignior dear—Men of my Garb affronted—my Jennet vanisht—most miraculous—by St.JagoI’ll be revenged—hah,what’s here—La Nuche—[Surveys her at a distance.EnterLa Nuche,Aurelia,Sancho.La Nu.We are pursu’d byBeaumond, who will certainly hinder our speaking toWillmore, should we have the good fortune to see him in this Crowd—and yet there’s no avoiding him.Beau.’Tis she, how carefully she shuns me!Aur.I’m satisfied he knows us by the jealous Concern which appears in that prying Countenance of his.Beau.Stay, Cruel, is it Love or Curiosity, that wings those nimble Feet?[Holds her.[Luciaabove andAriadne.]Aria.Beaumondwith a Woman!Beau.Have you forgot this is the glorious Day that ushers in the Night shall make you mine? the happiest Night that ever favour’d Love!La Nu.Or if I have, I find you’ll take care to remember me.Beau.Sooner I could forget the Aids of Life, sooner forget how first that Beauty charm’d me.La Nu.Well, since your Memory’s so good, I need not doubt your coming.Beau.Still cold and unconcern’d! How have I doated, and how sacrific’d, regardless of my Fame, lain idling here, when all the Youth ofSpainwere gaining Honour, valuing one Smile of thine above their Laurels!La Nu.And in return, I do submit to yield, preferring you above those fighting Fools, who safe in Multitudes reap Honour cheaper.Beau.Yet there is one—one of those fighting Fools which should’st thou see, I fear I were undone; brave, handsome, gay, and all that Women doat on, unfortunate in every good of Life, but that one Blessing of obtaining Women: Be wise, for if thou seest him thou art lost—Why dost thou blush?La Nu.Because you doubt my Heart—’tisWillmorethat he means.[Aside.]We’ve Eyes upon us, DonCarlomay grow jealous, and he’s a powerful Rival—at night. I shall expect ye.Beau.Whilst I prepare my self for such a Blessing.[Ex.Beau.Car.Hah! a Cavalier in conference withLa Nuche!and entertain’d without my knowledge! I must prevent this Lover, for he’s young—and this Night will surprise her.[Aside.Will.And you would be restor’d?[ToPetro.Pet.Yes, if there be that Divinity in your Baths of Reformation.Will.There are.New Flames shall sparkle in those Eyes;And these grey Hairs flowing and bright shall rise:These Cheeks fresh Buds of Roses wear,And all your withered Limbs so smooth and clear,As shall a general Wonder move,And wound a thousand Hearts with Love.Pet.A Blessing on you, Sir, there’s fifty Pistoles for you, and as I earn it you shall have more.[They lift her down.[ExitWillmorebowing.Shift.Messieurs, ’tis late, and the Seignior’s Patients stay for him at his Laboratory, to morrow you shall see the conclusion of this Experiment, and so I humbly take my leave at this time.EnterWillmore, below seesLa Nuche, makes up to her, whilst the last part of the Dance is dancing.La Nu.What makes you follow me, Sir?[She goes from him, he pursues.Will.Madam, I see something in that lovely Face of yours, which if not timely prevented will be your ruin: I’m now in haste, but I have more to say—[Goes off.La Nu.Stay, Sir—he’s gone—and fill’d me with a curiosity that will not let me rest till it be satisfied: Follow me,Aurelia, for I must know my Destiny.[Goes out.[The Dance ended, the Bank removes, the People go off.Feth.Come,Ned, now for our amorous Visit to the two Lady Monsters.[Ex.Feth.andBlunt.Scene II.Changes to a fine Chamber.EnterAriadneandLucia.Aria.I’m thoughtful: Prithee, Cousin, sing some foolish Song—SONG.Phillis, whose Heart was unconfin’dAnd free as Flowers on Meads and Plains,None boasted of her being kind,’Mongst all the languishing and amorous Swains:No Sighs nor Tears the Nymph could move[bis.To pity or return their Love.Till on a time, the hapless MaidRetired to shun the heat o’th’ Day,Into a Grove, beneath whose ShadeStrephon, the careless Shepherd, sleeping lay:But oh such Charms the Youth adorn,[bis.Love is revenged for all her Scorn.Her Cheeks with Blushes covered were,And tender Sighs her Bosom warm;A softness in her Eyes appear,Unusual Pains she feels from every Charm:To Woods and Echoes now she cries,[bis.For Modesty to speak denies.Aria.Come, help to undress me, for I’ll to this Mountebank, to know what success I shall have with my Cavalier.[Unpins her things before a great Glass that is fasten’d.Luc.You are resolv’d then to give him admittance?Aria.Where’s the danger of a handsom young Fellow?Luc.But you don’t know him, Madam.Aria.But I desire to do, and time may bring it about without Miracle.Luc.Your CousinBeaumondwill forbid the Banes.Aria.No, nor oldCarlosneither, my Mother’s precious Choice, who is as sollicitous for the old Gentleman, as my Father-in-Law is for his Nephew. Therefore,Lucia, like a good and gracious Child, I’ll end the Dispute between my Father and Mother, and please my self in the choice of this Stranger, if he be to be had.Luc.I should as soon be enamour’d on the North Wind, a Tempest, or a Clap of Thunder. Bless me from such a Blast.Aria.I’d have a Lover rough as Seas in Storms, upon occasion; I hate your dull temperate Lover, ’tis such a husbandly quality, likeBeaumond’sAddresses to me, whom neither Joy nor Anger puts in motion; or if it do, ’tis visibly forc’d—I’m glad I saw him entertain a Woman to day, not that I care, but wou’d be fairly rid of him.Luc.You’ll hardly mend your self in this.Aria.What, because he held Discourse with a Curtezan?Luc.Why, is there no danger in her Eyes, do ye think?Aria.None that I fear, that Stranger’s not such a fool to give his Heart to a common Woman; and she that’s concern’d where her Lover bestows his Body, were I the Man, I should think she had a mind to’t her self.Luc.And reason, Madam: in a lawful way ’tis your due.Aria.What all? unconscionableLucia!I am more merciful; but be he what he will, I’ll to this cunning Man, to know whether ever any part of him shall be mine.Luc.Lord, Madam, sure he’s a Conjurer.Aria.Let him be the Devil, I’ll try his Skill, and to that end will put on a Suit ofmy CousinEndymion; there are two or three very pretty ones of his in the Wardrobe, go carry ’em to my Chamber, and we’ll fit our selves and away—Go haste whilst I undress.[Ex.Lucia.[Ariadneundressing before the Glass.EnterBeaumondtricking himself, and looks on himself.Beau.Now for my charming Beauty, fairLa Nuche—hah—Ariadne—damn the dull Property, how shall I free my self?[She turns, sees him, and walks from the Glass, he takes no notice of her, but tricks himself in the Glass, humming a Song.Aria.Beaumond!What Devil brought him hither to prevent me? I hate the formal matrimonial Fop.[He walks about and sings.Sommesnous pas trop heureux,Belle Irise, que nous ensemble.A Devil on him, he may chance to plague me till night, and hinder my dear Assignation.[Sings again.La Nuit et le Sombre voilesCoverie nos desires ardentes;Et l’Amour et les EtoilesSont nos secrets confidents.Beau.Pox on’t, how dull am I at an excuse?[Sets his Wig in the Glass, and sings.A Pox of Love and Woman-kind,And all the Fops adore ’em.[Puts on his Hat, cocks it, and goes to her.How is’t, Cuz?Aria.So, here’s the saucy freedom of a Husband Lover—a blest Invention this of marrying, whoe’er first found it out.Beau.Damn thisEnglishDog of a Perriwig-maker,what an ungainly Air it gives the Face, and for a Wedding Perriwig too—how dost thou like it,Ariadne?[Uneasy.Aria.As ill as the Man—I perceive you have taken more care for your Perriwig than your Bride.Beau.And with reason,Ariadne, the Bride was never the care of the Lover, but the business of the Parents; ’tis a serious Affair, and ought to be manag’d by the grave and wise: Thy Mother and my Uncle have agreed the Matter, and would it not look very sillily in me now to whine a tedious Tale of Love in your Ear, when the business is at an end? ’tis like saying a Grace when a Man should give Thanks.Aria.Why did you not begin sooner then?Beau.Faith,Ariadne, because I know nothing of the Design in hand; had I had civil warning, thou shouldst have had as pretty smart Speeches from me, as any Coxcomb Lover of ’em all could have made thee.Aria.I shall never marry like aJewin my own Tribe; I’ll rather be possest by honest old doating Age, than by saucy conceited Youth, whose Inconstancy never leaves a Woman safe or quiet.Beau.You know the Proverb of the half Loaf,Ariadne; a Husband that will deal thee some Love is better than one who can give thee none: you would have a blessed time on’t with old FatherCarlo.Aria.No matter, a Woman may with some lawful excuse cuckold him, and ’twould be scarce a Sin.Beau.Not so much as lying with him, whose reverend Age wou’d make it look like Incest.Aria.But to marry thee—would be a Tyranny from whence there’s no Appeal: A drinking whoring Husband! ’tis the Devil—Beau.You are deceiv’d, if you think DonCarlomore chaste than I; only duller, and more a Miser, one that fears his Flesh more, and loves his Money better.—Then to be condemn’d to lie with him—oh, who would notrejoice to meet a Woollen-Waistcoat, and knit Night-Cap without a Lining, a Shirt so nasty, a cleanly Ghost would not appear in’t at the latter Day? then the compound of nasty Smells about him, stinking Breath, Mustachoes stuft with villainoussnush, Tobacco, and hollow Teeth: thus prepar’d for Delight, you meet in Bed, where you may lie and sigh whole Nights away, he snores it out till Morning, and then rises to his sordid business.Aria.All this frights me not: ’tis still much better than a keeping Husband, whom neither Beauty nor Honour in a Wife can oblige.Beau.Oh, you know not the good-nature of a Man of Wit, at least I shall bear a Conscience, and do thee reason, which Heaven denies to oldCarlo, were he willing.Aria.Oh, he talks as high, and thinks as well of himself as any young Coxcomb of ye all.Beau.He has reason, for if his Faith were no better than his Works, he’d be damn’d.Aria.Death, who wou’d marry, who wou’d be chaffer’d thus, and sold to Slavery? I’d rather buy a Friend at any Price that I could love and trust.Beau.Ay, could we but drive on such a Bargain.Aria.You should not be the Man; You have a Mistress, Sir, that has your Heart, and all your softer Hours: I know’t, and if I were so wretched as to marry thee, must see my Fortune lavisht out on her; her Coaches, Dress, and Equipage exceed mine by far: Possess she all the day thy Hours of Mirth, good Humour and Expence, thy Smiles, thy Kisses, and thy Charms of Wit. Oh how you talk and look when in her Presence! but when with me,A Pox of Love and Woman-kind,[Sings.And all the Fops adore ’em.How it’s, Cuz—then slap, on goes the Beaver, which being cock’d, you bear up briskly, with the second Part to the same Tune—Harkye, Sir, let me advise you to pack up yourTrumpery and be gone, your honourable Love, your matrimonial Foppery, with your other Trinkets thereunto belonging; or I shall talk aloud, and let your Uncle hear you.Beau.Sure she cannot know I loveLa Nuche.[Aside.]The Devil take me, spoil’d! What Rascal has inveigled thee? What lying fawning Coward has abus’d thee? When fell you into this Leudness? Pox, thou art hardly worth the loving now, that canst be such a Fool, to wish me chaste, or love me for that Virtue; or that wouldst have me a ceremonious Whelp, one that makes handsom Legs to Knights without laughing, or with a sneaking modest Squirish Countenance; assure you, I have my Maidenhead. A Curse upon thee, the very thought of Wife has made thee formal.Aria.I must dissemble, or he’ll stay all day to make his peace again—why, have you ne’er—a Mistress then?Beau.A hundred, by this day, as many as I like, they are my Mirth, the business of my loose and wanton Hours; but thou art my Devotion, the grave, the solemn Pleasure of my Soul—Pox, would I were handsomly rid of thee too.[Aside.]—Come, I have business—send me pleas’d away.Aria.Would to Heaven thou wert gone;[Aside.]You’re going to some Woman now.Beau.Oh damn the Sex, I hate ’em all—but thee—farewell, my pretty jealous-sullen-Fool.[Goes out.Aria.Farewel, believing Coxcomb.[EnterLucia.Lucia.Madam, the Clothes are ready in your Chamber.Aria.Let’s haste and put ’em on then.[Runs out.ACT III.Scene I.A House.EnterFetherfoolandBlunt, staring about, after themShift.Shift.Well, Gentlemen, this is the Doctor’s House, and your fifty Pistoles has made him intirely yours; the Ladiestoo are here in safe Custody—Come, draw Lots who shall have the Dwarf, and who the Giant.[They draw.Feth.I have the Giant.Blunt.And I the little tiny Gentlewoman.Shift.Well, you shall first see the Ladies, and then prepare for your UncleMoses, the oldJewGuardian, before whom you must be very grave and sententious: You know the old Law was full of Ceremony.Feth.Well, I long to see the Ladies, and to have the first Onset over.Shift.I’ll cause ’em to walk forth immediately.[Goes out.Feth.My Heart begins to fail me plaguily—would I could see ’em a little at a Distance before they come slap dash upon a Man.[Peeping.Hah!—Mercy upon us!—What’s yonder!—Ah,Ned, my Monster is as big as the Whore ofBabylon—Oh I’m in a cold Sweat—[Bluntpulls him to peep, and both do so.Oh Lord! she’s as tall as the St.ChristopherinNotre-dameatParis, and the little one looks like the Christo upon his Shoulders—I shall ne’er be able to stand the first Brunt.Blunt.’Dsheartlikins, whither art going?[Pulls him back.Feth.Why only—to—say my Prayers a little—I’ll be with thee presently.[Offers to go, he pulls him.Blunt.What a Pox, art thou afraid of a Woman—Feth.Not of a Woman,Ned, but of a SheGargantua, I am of aHerculesin Petticoats.Blunt.The less Resemblance the better. ’Shartlikins, I’d rather mine were aCentaurthan a Woman: No, since myNaplesAdventure, I am clearly for your Monster.Feth.Prithee,Ned, there’s Reason in all things—Blunt.But villainous Woman—’Dshartlikins, stand your Ground, or I’ll nail you to’t: Why, what a Pox are you so quezy stomach’d, a Monster won’t down with you, with a hundred thousand Pound to boot.[Pulling him.Feth.Nay,Ned, that mollifies something; and I scorn it should be said ofNich. Fetherfoolthat he left his Friendin danger, or did an ill thing: therefore, as thou say’st,Ned, tho she were a Centaur, I’ll not budg an Inch.Blunt.Why God a Mercy.Enter theGiantandDwarf, with themShiftas an Operator,andHarlequinattending.Feth.Oh—they come—Prithee,Ned, advance—[Puts him forward.Shift.Most beautiful Ladies.Feth.Why, what a flattering Son of a Whore’s this?Shift.These are the illustrious Persons your Uncle designs your humble Servants, and who have so extraordinary a Passion for your Seignioraships.Feth.Oh yes, a most damnable one: Wou’d I were cleanlily off the Lay, and had my Money again.Blunt.Think of a Million, Rogue, and do not hang an Arse thus.Giant.What, does the Cavalier think I’ll devour him?[ToShift.Feth.Something inclin’d to such a Fear.Blunt.Go and salute her, or, Adsheartlikins, I’ll leave you to her Mercy.Feth.Oh, dearNed, have pity on me—but as for saluting her, you speak of more than may be done, dear Heart, without a Scaling Ladder.[ExitShift.Dwarf.Sure, SeigniorHarlequin,these Gentlemen are dumb.Blunt.No, my little diminutive Mistress, my small Epitomy of Woman-kind, we can prattle when our Hands are in, but we are raw and bashful, young Beginners; for this is the first time we ever were in love: we are something aukard, or so, but we shall come on in time, and mend upon Incouragement.Feth.Pox on him, what a delicate Speech has he made now—’Gad, I’d give a thousand Pounds a Year forNed’sconcise Wit, but not a Groat for his Judgment in Womankind.Enter Shift with a Ladder, sets it against the Giant, and bows toFetherfool.Shift.Here, Seignior, Don, approach, mount, and salute the Lady.Feth.Mount! why,’twould turn my Brains to look down from her Shoulders—But hang’t, ’Gad, I will be brave and venture.[Runs up the Ladder, salutes her, and runs down again.And Egad this was an Adventure and a bold one—but since I am come off with a whole Skin, I am flesht for the next onset—Madam—has your Greatness any mind to marry?[Goes to her, speaks, and runs back; Blunt claps him on the Back.Giant.What if I have?Feth.Why then, Madam, without inchanted Sword or Buckler, I’m your Man.Giant.My Man? my Mouse. I’ll marry none whose Person and Courage shall not bear some Proportion to mine.Feth.Your Mightiness I fear will die a Maid then.Giant.I doubt you’ll scarce secure me from that Fear, who court my Fortune, not my Beauty.Feth.Hu, how scornfulshe is, I’ll warrant you—why I must confess, your Person is something heroical and masculine, but I protest to your Highness, I love and honour ye.Dwarf.Prithee, Sister, be not so coy, I like my Lover well enough; and if Seignior Mountebank keep his Word in making us of reasonable Proportions, I think the Gentlemen may serve for Husbands.Shift.Dissemble, or you betray your Love for us.[Aside to the Giant.Giant.And if he do keep his Word, I should make a better Choice, not that I would change this noble Frame of mine, cou’d I but meet my Match, and keep up the first Race of Man intire: But since this scanty World affords none such, I to be happy, must be new created, and then shall expect a wiser Lover.Feth.Why, what a peevish Titt’s this; nay, look ye, Madam, as for that matter, your Extraordinariness may do what you please—but ’tis not done like a Monster of Honour, when a Man has set his Heart upon you, to cast him off—Therefore I hope you’ll pity a despairing Lover, and cast down an Eye of Consolation upon me; for I vow, most Amazonian Princess, I love ye as if Heaven and Earth wou’d come together.Dwarf.My Sister will do much, I’m sure, to save the Man that loves her so passionately—she has a Heart.Feth.And a swinger ’tis—’Sbud—she moves likethe Royal Sovereign, and is as long a tacking about.[Aside.Giant.Then your Religion, Sir.Feth.Nay, as for that, Madam, we areEnglish, a Nation I thank God, that stand as little upon Religion as any Nation under the Sun, unless it be in Contradiction; and at this time have so many amongst us, a Man knows not which to turn his Hand to—neither will I stand with your Hugeness for a small matter of Faith or so—Religion shall shall break no squares.Dwarf.I hope, Sir, you are of your Friend’s Opinion.Blunt.My little Spark of a Diamond, I am, I was born aJew, with an Aversion to Swines Flesh.Dwarf.Well, Sir, I shall hasten Seignior Doctor to compleat my Beauty, by some small Addition, to appear the more grateful to you.Blunt.Lady, do not trouble your self with transitory Parts, ’Dshartlikins thou’rt as handsom as needs be for a Wife.Dwarf.A little taller, Seignior, wou’d not do amiss, my younger Sister has got so much the Start of me.Blunt.In troth she has, and now I think on’t, a little taller wou’d do well for Propagation; I should be both the Posterity of the antient Family of theBluntsofEssexshould dwindle into Pigmies or Fairies.Giant.Well, Seigniors, since you come with our Uncle’s liking, we give ye leave to hope, hope—and be happy—[They go outwithHarlequin.Feth.Egad, and that’s great and gracious—EnterWillmoreand an Operator.Will.Well, Gentlemen, and how like you the Ladies?Blunt.Faith, well enough for the first Course, Sir.Will.The Uncle, by my indeavour, is intirely yours—but whilst the Baths are preparing,’twould be well if you would think of what Age, Shape, and Complexion you would have your Ladies form’d in.Feth.Why, may we chuse, Mr. Doctor?Will.What Beauties you please.Feth.Then will I have my Giant,Ned, just such another Gentlewoman as I saw at Church to day—and about some fifteen.Blunt.Hum, fifteen—I begin to have a plaguy Itch about me too, towards a handsome Damsel of fifteen; but first let’s marry, lest they should be boiled away in these Baths of Reformation.Feth.But, Doctor, can you do all this without the help of the Devil?Will.Hum, some small Hand he has in the Business? we make an Exchange with him, give him the clippings of the Giant for so much of his Store as will serve to build the Dwarf.Blunt.Why, then mine will be more than three Parts Devil, Mr. Doctor.Will.Not so, the Stock is only Devil, the Graft is your own little Wife inoculated.Blunt.Well, let the Devil and you agree about this matter as soon as you please.EnterShiftas an Operator.Shift.Sir, there is without a Person of an extraordinary Size wou’d speak with you.Will.Admit him.EnterHarlequin, ushers inHuntas a Giant.Feth.Hah—some o’ergrown Rival, on my Life.[Feth.gets from it.Will.What the Devil have we here?[Aside.Hunt.Bezolos mano’s, Seignior, I understand there is a Lady whose Beauty and Proportion can only merit me: I’ll say no more—but shall be grateful to you for your Assistance.Feth.’Tis so.Hunt.The Devil’s in’t if this does not fright ’em from a farther Courtship.[Aside.Will.Fear nothing, Seignior—Seignior, you may try your Chance, and visit the Ladies.[Talks toHunt.Feth.Why, where the Devil could this Monster conceal himself all this while, that we should neither see nor hear of him?Blunt.Oh—he lay disguis’d; I have heard of an Army that has done so.Feth.Pox, no single House cou’d hold him.Blunt.No—he dispos’d himself in several parcels up and down the Town, here a Leg, and there an Arm; and hearing of this proper Match for him, put himself together to court his fellow Monster.Feth.Good Lord! I wonder what Religion he’s of.Blunt.Some heathen Papist, by his notable Plots and Contrivances.Will.’TisHunt, that Rogue—[Aside.]Sir, I confess there is great Power in Sympathy—Conduct him to the Ladies—[He tries to go in at the Door.—I am sorry you cannot enter at that low Door, Seignior, I’ll have it broken down—Hunt.No, Seignior, I can go in at twice.Feth.How, at twice! what a Pox can he mean?Will.Oh, Sir,’tis a frequent thing by way of Inchantment.[Huntbeing all Doublet, leaps off from another Man who is all Breeches, and goes out; Breeches follows stalking.Feth.Oh Pox, Mr. Doctor, this must be the Devil.Will.Oh fie, Sir, the Devil! no ’tis all done by aninchanted Girdle—These damn’d Rascals will spoil all by too gross an Imposition on the Fools.[Aside.Feth.This is the Devil,Ned, that’s certain—But hark ye, Mr. Doctor, I hope I shall not have my Mistress inchanted from me by this inchanted Rival, hah?Will.Oh, no, Sir, the Inquisition will never let ’em marry, for fear of a Race of Giants,’twill be worse than the Invasion of theMoors, or theFrench: but go—think of your Mistresses Names and Ages, here’s Company, and you would not be seen.[Ex.BluntandFeth.EnterLa NucheandAurelia;Will.bows to her.La Nu.Sir, the Fame of your excellent Knowledge, and what you said to me this day; has given me a Curiosity to learn my Fate, at least that Fate you threatened.Will.Madam, from the Oracle in the Box you may be resolved any Question—[Leads her to the Table, where stands a Box full of Balls; he stares on her.—How lovely every absent minute makes her—Madam, be pleas’d to draw from out this Box what Ball you will.[She draws, he takes it, and gazes on her and on it.Madam, upon this little Globe is character’d your Fate and Fortune; the History of your Life to come and past—first, Madam—you’re—a Whore.La Nu.A very plain beginning.Will.My Art speaks simple Truth; the Moon is your Ascendent, that covetous Planet that borrows all her Light, and is in opposition still toVenus; and Interest more prevails with you than Love: yet here I find a cross—intruding Line—that does inform me—you have an Itch that way, but Interest still opposes: you are a slavish mercenary Prostitute.La Nu.Your Art is so, tho call’d divine, and all the Universe is sway’d by Interest: and would you wish this Beauty which adorns me, should be dispos’d about for Charity? Proceed and speak more Reason.Will.ButVenushere gets the Ascent again, and spite of—Interest, spite of all Aversion, will make you doat upon a Man—[Still looking on, and turning the Ball.Wild, fickle, restless,faithless as the Winds!—a Man of Arms he is—and by this Line—a Captain—[Looking on her.]forMarsandVenuswere in conjunction at his Birth—and Love and War’s his business.La Nu.There thou hast toucht my Heart, and spoke so true, that all thou say’st I shall receive as Oracle. Well, grant I love, that shall not make me yield.Will.I must confess you’re ruin’d if you yield, and yet not all your Pride, not all your Vows, your Wit, your Resolution, or your Cunning, can hinder him from conquering absolutely: your Stars are fixt, and Fate irrevocable.La Nu.No,—I will controul my Stars and Inclinations; and tho I love him more than Power or Interest, I will be Mistress of myfixt Resolves—One Question more—Does this same Captain, this wild happy Man love me?Will.I do not—find—it here—only a possibility incourag’d by your Love—Oh that you cou’d resist—but you are destin’d his, and to be ruin’d.[Sighs, and looks on her, she grows in a Rage.La Nu.Why do you tell me this? I am betray’d, and every caution blows my kindling Flame—hold—tell me no more—I might have guess’d my Fate, from my own Soul have guest it—but yet I will be brave, I will resist in spite of Inclinations, Stars, or Devils.Will.Strive not, fair Creature, with the Net that holds you, you’ll but intangle more. Alas! you must submit and be undone.La Nu.Damn your false Art—had he but lov’d me too, it had excus’d the Malice of my Stars.Will.Indeed, his Love is doubtful; for here—I trace him in a new pursuit—which if you can this Night prevent, perhaps you fix him.La Nu.Hah, pursuing a new Mistress! there thouhast met the little Resolution I had left, and dasht it into nothing—but I have vow’d Allegiance to my Interest—Curse on my Stars, they cou’d not give me Love where that might be advanc’d—I’ll hear no more.[Gives him Money.Enter Shift.Shift.Sir, there are several Strangers arriv’d, who talk of the old Oracle. How will you receive ’em?Will.I’ve business now, and must be excus’d, a while.—Thus far—I’m well; but I may tell my Tale so often o’er, till, like the Trick of Love, I spoil the pleasure by the repetition.—Now I’ll uncase, and see what Effects my Art has wrought onLa Nuche, for she’s the promis’d Good, the Philosophick Treasure that terminates my Toil and Industry. Wait you here.[Ex.Will.EnterAriadnein Mens Clothes, withLuciaso drest, and other Strangers.Aria.How now, Seignior Operator, where’s this renowned Man of Arts and Sciences, this Don of Wonders?—hah! may a Man have a Pistole’s Worth or two of his Tricks? will he shew, Seignior?Shift.Whatever you dare see, Sir.Aria.And I dare see the greatest Bug-bear he can conjure up, my Mistress’s Face in a Glass excepted.Shift.That he can shew, Sir, but is now busied in weighty Affairs with a Grandee.Aria.Pox, must we wait the Leisure of formal Grandees and Statesmen—ha, who’s this?—the lovely Conqueress of my Heart,La Nuche.[Goes to her, she is talking withAurel.La Nu.What foolish thing art thou?Aria.Nay, do not frown, nor fly; for if you do, I must arrest you, fair one.La Nu.At whose Suit, pray?Aria.At Love’s—you have stol’n a Heart of mine, and us’d it scurvily.La Nu.By what marks do you know the Toy, that I may be no longer troubled with it?Aria.By a fresh Wound, which toucht by her that gave it bleeds anew, a Heart all over kind and amorous.La Nu.When was this pretty Robbery committed?Ana.To day, most sacrilegiously, at Church, where you debauch’d my Zeal; and when I wou’d have pray’d, your Eyes had put the Change upon my Tongue, and made it utter Railings: Heav’n forgive ye!La Nu.You are the gayest thing without a Heart, I ever saw.Aria.I scorn to flinch for a bare Wound or two; nor is he routed that has lost the day,he may again rally, renew the Fight, and vanquish.La Nu.You have a good opinion of that Beauty, which I find not so forcible, nor that fond Prattle uttered with such Confidence.Aria.But I have Quality and Fortune too.La Nu.So had you need. I should have guest the first by your pertness; for your saucy thing of Quality acts the Man as impudently at fourteen, as another at thirty: nor is there any thing so hateful as to hear it talk of Love, Women and Drinking; nay, to see it marry too at that Age, and get itself a Play-fellow in its Son and Heir.Aria.This Satyr on my Youth shall never put me out of countenance, or make me think you wish me one day older; and egad, I’ll warrantthem that tries me, shall find me ne’er an hour too young.La Nu.You mistake my Humour, I hate the Person of a fair conceited Boy.EnterWillmoredrest, singing.
Feth.Have you heard of aSpanishLady,How she woo’d anEnglishMan?
Feth.Have you heard of aSpanishLady,
How she woo’d anEnglishMan?
Blunt.Why, how now, Fetherfool?
Feth.Garments gay, and rich as may be,Deckt with Jewels, had she on.
Feth.Garments gay, and rich as may be,
Deckt with Jewels, had she on.
Blunt.Why, how now, Justice, what run mad out of Dog-days?
Feth.Of a comely Countenance and Grace is she,A sweeter Creature in the World there could not be.
Feth.Of a comely Countenance and Grace is she,
A sweeter Creature in the World there could not be.
Shift.Why, what the Devil’s the matter, Sir?
Blunt.Stark mad, ’dshartlikins.
Feth.Of a Comely Countenance—well, Lieutenant, the most heroick and illustrious Madona! Thou saw’st her,Ned:And of a comely Counte—The most Magnetick Face—well—I knew the Charms of these Eyes of mine were not made in vain: I was design’d for great things, that’s certain—And a sweeter Creature in the World there could not be.[Singing.
Blunt.What then the two Lady Monsters are forgotten? the Design upon the Million of Money, the Coach and Six, and Patent for Right Worshipful, all drown’d in the Joy of this new Mistress?—But well, Lieutenant, since he is so well provided for, you may put in with me for a Monster; such a Jest, and such a Sum, is not to be lost.
Shift.Nor shall not, or I have lost my Aim.[Aside.
Feth.[Putting off his Hat.] Your Pardons, good Gentlemen; and tho I perceive I shall have no great need for so trifling a Sum as a hundred thousand Pound, or so, yet a Bargain’s a Bargain, Gentlemen.
Blunt.Nay,’dsheartlikins, the Lieutenant scorns to do a foul thing, d’ye see, but we would not have the Monsters slighted.
Feth.Slighted! no, Sir, I scorn your Words, I’d have ye to know, that I have as high a Respect for Madam Monster, as any Gentleman in Christendom, and so I desire she should understand.
Blunt.Why, this is that that’s handsom.
Shift.Well, the Mountebank’s come, Lodgings are taken at his House, and the Guardian prepar’d to receive you on the aforesaid Terms, and some fifty Pistoles to the Mountebank to stand your Friend, and the Business is done. Feth. Which shall be perform’d accordingly, I have it ready about me.
Blunt.And here’s mine, put ’em together, and let’s be speedy, lest some should bribe higher, and put in before us.[Feth.takes the Money, and looks pitiful on’t.
Feth.Tis a plaguy round Sum,Ned, pray God it turn to Account.
Blunt.Account, ’dsheartlikins, ’tis not in the Power of mortal Man to cozen ’me.
Shift.Oh fie, Sir, cozen you, Sir!—well, you’ll stay here and see the Mountebank, he’s coming forth.
[A Hollowing. Enter from the Front a Bank,a Pageant, which they fix on the Stage at one side, a little Pavilionon’t, Musick playing, and Operators round below, or Antickers.
[Musick plays, and an Antick Dance.
EnterWillmorelike a Mountebank, with a Dagger in one Hand, and a Viol in the other,HarlequinandScaramouche;Carlowith otherSpaniardsbelow, and Rabble;AriadneandLuciaabove in the Balcony, others on the other side,FetherfoolandBluntbelow.
Will.(bowing) Behold this little Viol, which contains in its narrow Bounds what the whole Universe cannot purchase, if sold to its true Value; this admirable, this miraculous Elixir, drawn from the Hearts of Mandrakes, Phenix Livers, and Tongues ofMaremaids, and distill’d by contracted Sun-Beams, has besides the unknown Virtue of curing all Distempers both of Mind and Body, that divine one of animating the Heart of Man to that Degree, that however remiss, cold and cowardly by Nature, he shall become vigorous and brave. Oh stupid and insensible Man, when Honour and secure Renown invites you, to treat it with Neglect, even when you need but passive Valour, to become the Heroes of the Age; receive a thousand Wounds, each of which wou’d let out fleeting Life: Here’s that can snatch the parting Soul in its full Career, and bring it back to its native Mansion; baffles grim Death, and disappoints even Fate.
Feth.Oh Pox,an a Manwere sure of that now—
Will.Behold, here’s Demonstration—[Harlequin stabs himself,and fallsas dead.
Feth.Hold, hold, why, what the Devil is the Fellow mad?
Blunt.Why, do’st think he has hurt himself?
Feth.Hurt himself! why, he’s murder’d, Man; ’tis flatFelo de se, in any ground inEngland, if I understand Law, and I have been a Justice o’th’ Peace.
Will.See, Gentlemen, he’s dead—
Feth.Look ye there now, I’ll be gone lest I be taken as an Accessary.[Going out.
Will.Coffin him, inter him, yet after four and twenty Hours, as many Drops of this divine Elixir give him new Life again; this will recover whole Fields of slain, and all the Dead shall rise and fight again—’twas this that made the Roman Lemons numerous, and now makesFranceso formidable, and this alone—may be the Occasion of the loss ofGermany.[Pours inHarlequin’sWound, he rises.
Feth.Why this Fellow’s the Devil,Ned, that’s for certain.
Blunt.Oh plague, a damn’d Conjurer, this—
Will.Come, buy this Coward’s Comfort, quickly buy; what Fop would be abus’d, mimick’d and scorn’d, for fear of Wounds can be so easily cured? Who is’t wou’d bear the Insolence and Pride of domineering great Men, proud Officers or Magistrates? or who wou’d cringe to Statesmen out of Fear? What Cully wou’d be cuckolded? What foolish Heir undone by cheating Gamesters? What Lord wou’d be lampoon’d? What Poet fear the Malice of his satirical Brother, or Atheist fear to fight for fear of Death? Come buy my Coward’s Comfort, quickly buy.
Feth.Egad,Ned, a very excellent thing this; I’ll lay out ten Reals upon this Commodity.
[They buy, whilst another Part of the Dance is danc’d.
Will.Behold this little Paper, which contains a Pouder, whose Value surmounts that of Rocks of Diamonds and Hills of Gold; ’twas this madeVenusa Goddess, and was given her byApollo, from her deriv’d toHelen, and in the Sack ofTroylost, till recover’d by me out of some Ruins ofAsia.Come, buy it, Ladies, you that wou’d be fair and wear eternal Youth; and you in whom the amorous Fire remains, when all the Charms are fled: You that dress young and gay, and would be thought so, that patch and paint, to fill up sometimes old Furrows on your Brows, and set yourselves for Conquest, tho in vain; here’s that will give you aubern Hair, white Teeth, red Lips, and Dimples onyour Cheeks: Come, buy it all you that are past bewitching, and wou’d have handsom, young and active Lovers.
Feth.Another good thing,Ned.
Car.I’ll lay out a Pistole or two in this, if it have the same Effect on Men.
Will.Come, all you City Wives, that wou’d advance your Husbands to Lord Mayors, come, buy of me new Beauty; this will give it tho now decay’d, as are your Shop Commodities; this will retrieve your Customers, and vend your false and out of fashion’d Wares: cheat, lye, protest and cozen as you please, a handsom Wife makes all a lawful Gain. Come, City Wives, come, buy.
Feth.A most prodigious Fellow!
[They buy, he sits, the other Part is danc’d.
Will.But here, behold the Life and Soul of Man! this is the amorous Pouder, whichVenusmade and gave the God of Love, which made him first a Deity; you talk of Arrows, Bow, and killing Darts; Fables, poetical Fictions, and no more: ’tis this alone that wounds and fires the Heart, makes Women kind, and equals Men to Gods; ’tis this that makes your great Lady doat on the ill-favour’d Fop; your great Man be jilted by his little Mistress, the Judge cajol’d by his Semstress, and your Politican by his Comedian; your young Lady doat on her decrepid Husband, your Chaplain on my Lady’s Waiting-Woman, and the young Squire on the Landry-Maid—In fine, Messieurs,
’Tis this that cures the Lover’s Pain,AndCeliaof her cold Disdain.
’Tis this that cures the Lover’s Pain,
AndCeliaof her cold Disdain.
Feth.A most devilish Fellow this!
Blunt.Hold, shartlikins,Fetherfool, let’s have a Dose or two of this Pouder for quick Dispatch with our Monsters.
Feth.Why Pox, Man, Jugg my Giant would swallow a whole Cart-Load before ’twould operate.
Blunt.No hurt in trying a Paper or two however.
Car.A most admirable Receit, I shall have need on’t.
Will.I need say nothing of my divine Baths of Reformation, nor the wonders of the old Oracle of the Box, which resolves all Questions, my Bills sufficiently declare their Virtue.[Sits down. They buy.
EnterPetronella Elenoracarried in a Chair, dress’d like a Girl of Fifteen.
Shift.Room there, Gentlemen, room for a Patient.
Blunt.Pray, Seignior, who may this be thus muzzl’d by old Gaffer Time?
Car.OnePetronella Elenora, Sir, a famous outworn Curtezan.
Blunt.Elenora!she may be that ofTroyfor her Antiquity, tho fitter for GodPriapusto ravish thanParis.
Shift.Hunt, a word; dost thou see that same formal Politician yonder, on the Jennet, the nobler Animal of the two?
Hunt.What of him?
Shift.’Tis the same drew on the Captain this Morning, and I must revenge the Affront.
Hunt.Have a care of Revenges inSpain, upon Persons of his Quality.
Shift.Nay, I’ll only steal his Horse from under him.
Hunt.Steal it! thou may’st take it by force perhaps; but how safely is a Question.
Shift.I’ll warrant thee—shoulder you up one side of his great Saddle, I’ll do the like on t’other; then heaving him gently up,Harlequinshall lead the Horse from between his Worship’s Legs: All this in the Crowd will not be perceiv’d, where all Eyes are imploy’d on the Mountebank.
Hunt.I apprehend you now—
[Whilst they are liftingPetronellaon the Mountebank’s Stage, they go into the Crowd, shoulder upCarlo’sSaddle.Harlequinleads the Horse forward, whilstCarlois gazing, and turning up his Mustachios; they hold him up a little while, then let him drop: he rises and stares about for his Horse.
Car.This is flat Conjuration.
Shift.What’s your Worship on foot?
Hunt.I never saw his Worship on foot before.
Car.Sirrah, none of your Jests, this must be by diabolical Art, and shall cost the Seignior dear—Men of my Garb affronted—my Jennet vanisht—most miraculous—by St.JagoI’ll be revenged—hah,what’s here—La Nuche—[Surveys her at a distance.
EnterLa Nuche,Aurelia,Sancho.
La Nu.We are pursu’d byBeaumond, who will certainly hinder our speaking toWillmore, should we have the good fortune to see him in this Crowd—and yet there’s no avoiding him.
Beau.’Tis she, how carefully she shuns me!
Aur.I’m satisfied he knows us by the jealous Concern which appears in that prying Countenance of his.
Beau.Stay, Cruel, is it Love or Curiosity, that wings those nimble Feet?[Holds her.
[Luciaabove andAriadne.]
Aria.Beaumondwith a Woman!
Beau.Have you forgot this is the glorious Day that ushers in the Night shall make you mine? the happiest Night that ever favour’d Love!
La Nu.Or if I have, I find you’ll take care to remember me.
Beau.Sooner I could forget the Aids of Life, sooner forget how first that Beauty charm’d me.
La Nu.Well, since your Memory’s so good, I need not doubt your coming.
Beau.Still cold and unconcern’d! How have I doated, and how sacrific’d, regardless of my Fame, lain idling here, when all the Youth ofSpainwere gaining Honour, valuing one Smile of thine above their Laurels!
La Nu.And in return, I do submit to yield, preferring you above those fighting Fools, who safe in Multitudes reap Honour cheaper.
Beau.Yet there is one—one of those fighting Fools which should’st thou see, I fear I were undone; brave, handsome, gay, and all that Women doat on, unfortunate in every good of Life, but that one Blessing of obtaining Women: Be wise, for if thou seest him thou art lost—Why dost thou blush?
La Nu.Because you doubt my Heart—’tisWillmorethat he means.[Aside.]We’ve Eyes upon us, DonCarlomay grow jealous, and he’s a powerful Rival—at night. I shall expect ye.
Beau.Whilst I prepare my self for such a Blessing.[Ex.Beau.
Car.Hah! a Cavalier in conference withLa Nuche!and entertain’d without my knowledge! I must prevent this Lover, for he’s young—and this Night will surprise her.[Aside.
Will.And you would be restor’d?[ToPetro.
Pet.Yes, if there be that Divinity in your Baths of Reformation.
Will.There are.
New Flames shall sparkle in those Eyes;And these grey Hairs flowing and bright shall rise:These Cheeks fresh Buds of Roses wear,And all your withered Limbs so smooth and clear,As shall a general Wonder move,And wound a thousand Hearts with Love.
New Flames shall sparkle in those Eyes;
And these grey Hairs flowing and bright shall rise:
These Cheeks fresh Buds of Roses wear,
And all your withered Limbs so smooth and clear,
As shall a general Wonder move,
And wound a thousand Hearts with Love.
Pet.A Blessing on you, Sir, there’s fifty Pistoles for you, and as I earn it you shall have more.[They lift her down.
[ExitWillmorebowing.
Shift.Messieurs, ’tis late, and the Seignior’s Patients stay for him at his Laboratory, to morrow you shall see the conclusion of this Experiment, and so I humbly take my leave at this time.
EnterWillmore, below seesLa Nuche, makes up to her, whilst the last part of the Dance is dancing.
La Nu.What makes you follow me, Sir?[She goes from him, he pursues.
Will.Madam, I see something in that lovely Face of yours, which if not timely prevented will be your ruin: I’m now in haste, but I have more to say—[Goes off.
La Nu.Stay, Sir—he’s gone—and fill’d me with a curiosity that will not let me rest till it be satisfied: Follow me,Aurelia, for I must know my Destiny.[Goes out.
[The Dance ended, the Bank removes, the People go off.
Feth.Come,Ned, now for our amorous Visit to the two Lady Monsters.
[Ex.Feth.andBlunt.
Scene II.Changes to a fine Chamber.
EnterAriadneandLucia.
Aria.I’m thoughtful: Prithee, Cousin, sing some foolish Song—
Phillis, whose Heart was unconfin’dAnd free as Flowers on Meads and Plains,None boasted of her being kind,’Mongst all the languishing and amorous Swains:No Sighs nor Tears the Nymph could move[bis.To pity or return their Love.
Phillis, whose Heart was unconfin’d
And free as Flowers on Meads and Plains,
None boasted of her being kind,
’Mongst all the languishing and amorous Swains:
No Sighs nor Tears the Nymph could move[bis.
To pity or return their Love.
Till on a time, the hapless MaidRetired to shun the heat o’th’ Day,Into a Grove, beneath whose ShadeStrephon, the careless Shepherd, sleeping lay:But oh such Charms the Youth adorn,[bis.Love is revenged for all her Scorn.
Till on a time, the hapless Maid
Retired to shun the heat o’th’ Day,
Into a Grove, beneath whose Shade
Strephon, the careless Shepherd, sleeping lay:
But oh such Charms the Youth adorn,[bis.
Love is revenged for all her Scorn.
Her Cheeks with Blushes covered were,And tender Sighs her Bosom warm;A softness in her Eyes appear,Unusual Pains she feels from every Charm:To Woods and Echoes now she cries,[bis.For Modesty to speak denies.
Her Cheeks with Blushes covered were,
And tender Sighs her Bosom warm;
A softness in her Eyes appear,
Unusual Pains she feels from every Charm:
To Woods and Echoes now she cries,[bis.
For Modesty to speak denies.
Aria.Come, help to undress me, for I’ll to this Mountebank, to know what success I shall have with my Cavalier.[Unpins her things before a great Glass that is fasten’d.
Luc.You are resolv’d then to give him admittance?
Aria.Where’s the danger of a handsom young Fellow?
Luc.But you don’t know him, Madam.
Aria.But I desire to do, and time may bring it about without Miracle.
Luc.Your CousinBeaumondwill forbid the Banes.
Aria.No, nor oldCarlosneither, my Mother’s precious Choice, who is as sollicitous for the old Gentleman, as my Father-in-Law is for his Nephew. Therefore,Lucia, like a good and gracious Child, I’ll end the Dispute between my Father and Mother, and please my self in the choice of this Stranger, if he be to be had.
Luc.I should as soon be enamour’d on the North Wind, a Tempest, or a Clap of Thunder. Bless me from such a Blast.
Aria.I’d have a Lover rough as Seas in Storms, upon occasion; I hate your dull temperate Lover, ’tis such a husbandly quality, likeBeaumond’sAddresses to me, whom neither Joy nor Anger puts in motion; or if it do, ’tis visibly forc’d—I’m glad I saw him entertain a Woman to day, not that I care, but wou’d be fairly rid of him.
Luc.You’ll hardly mend your self in this.
Aria.What, because he held Discourse with a Curtezan?
Luc.Why, is there no danger in her Eyes, do ye think?
Aria.None that I fear, that Stranger’s not such a fool to give his Heart to a common Woman; and she that’s concern’d where her Lover bestows his Body, were I the Man, I should think she had a mind to’t her self.
Luc.And reason, Madam: in a lawful way ’tis your due.
Aria.What all? unconscionableLucia!I am more merciful; but be he what he will, I’ll to this cunning Man, to know whether ever any part of him shall be mine.
Luc.Lord, Madam, sure he’s a Conjurer.
Aria.Let him be the Devil, I’ll try his Skill, and to that end will put on a Suit ofmy CousinEndymion; there are two or three very pretty ones of his in the Wardrobe, go carry ’em to my Chamber, and we’ll fit our selves and away—Go haste whilst I undress.[Ex.Lucia.
[Ariadneundressing before the Glass.
EnterBeaumondtricking himself, and looks on himself.
Beau.Now for my charming Beauty, fairLa Nuche—hah—Ariadne—damn the dull Property, how shall I free my self?
[She turns, sees him, and walks from the Glass, he takes no notice of her, but tricks himself in the Glass, humming a Song.
Aria.Beaumond!What Devil brought him hither to prevent me? I hate the formal matrimonial Fop.
[He walks about and sings.
Sommesnous pas trop heureux,Belle Irise, que nous ensemble.
Sommesnous pas trop heureux,
Belle Irise, que nous ensemble.
A Devil on him, he may chance to plague me till night, and hinder my dear Assignation.
[Sings again.
La Nuit et le Sombre voilesCoverie nos desires ardentes;Et l’Amour et les EtoilesSont nos secrets confidents.
La Nuit et le Sombre voiles
Coverie nos desires ardentes;
Et l’Amour et les Etoiles
Sont nos secrets confidents.
Beau.Pox on’t, how dull am I at an excuse?[Sets his Wig in the Glass, and sings.
A Pox of Love and Woman-kind,And all the Fops adore ’em.
A Pox of Love and Woman-kind,
And all the Fops adore ’em.
[Puts on his Hat, cocks it, and goes to her.
How is’t, Cuz?
Aria.So, here’s the saucy freedom of a Husband Lover—a blest Invention this of marrying, whoe’er first found it out.
Beau.Damn thisEnglishDog of a Perriwig-maker,what an ungainly Air it gives the Face, and for a Wedding Perriwig too—how dost thou like it,Ariadne?[Uneasy.
Aria.As ill as the Man—I perceive you have taken more care for your Perriwig than your Bride.
Beau.And with reason,Ariadne, the Bride was never the care of the Lover, but the business of the Parents; ’tis a serious Affair, and ought to be manag’d by the grave and wise: Thy Mother and my Uncle have agreed the Matter, and would it not look very sillily in me now to whine a tedious Tale of Love in your Ear, when the business is at an end? ’tis like saying a Grace when a Man should give Thanks.
Aria.Why did you not begin sooner then?
Beau.Faith,Ariadne, because I know nothing of the Design in hand; had I had civil warning, thou shouldst have had as pretty smart Speeches from me, as any Coxcomb Lover of ’em all could have made thee.
Aria.I shall never marry like aJewin my own Tribe; I’ll rather be possest by honest old doating Age, than by saucy conceited Youth, whose Inconstancy never leaves a Woman safe or quiet.
Beau.You know the Proverb of the half Loaf,Ariadne; a Husband that will deal thee some Love is better than one who can give thee none: you would have a blessed time on’t with old FatherCarlo.
Aria.No matter, a Woman may with some lawful excuse cuckold him, and ’twould be scarce a Sin.
Beau.Not so much as lying with him, whose reverend Age wou’d make it look like Incest.
Aria.But to marry thee—would be a Tyranny from whence there’s no Appeal: A drinking whoring Husband! ’tis the Devil—
Beau.You are deceiv’d, if you think DonCarlomore chaste than I; only duller, and more a Miser, one that fears his Flesh more, and loves his Money better.—Then to be condemn’d to lie with him—oh, who would notrejoice to meet a Woollen-Waistcoat, and knit Night-Cap without a Lining, a Shirt so nasty, a cleanly Ghost would not appear in’t at the latter Day? then the compound of nasty Smells about him, stinking Breath, Mustachoes stuft with villainoussnush, Tobacco, and hollow Teeth: thus prepar’d for Delight, you meet in Bed, where you may lie and sigh whole Nights away, he snores it out till Morning, and then rises to his sordid business.
Aria.All this frights me not: ’tis still much better than a keeping Husband, whom neither Beauty nor Honour in a Wife can oblige.
Beau.Oh, you know not the good-nature of a Man of Wit, at least I shall bear a Conscience, and do thee reason, which Heaven denies to oldCarlo, were he willing.
Aria.Oh, he talks as high, and thinks as well of himself as any young Coxcomb of ye all.
Beau.He has reason, for if his Faith were no better than his Works, he’d be damn’d.
Aria.Death, who wou’d marry, who wou’d be chaffer’d thus, and sold to Slavery? I’d rather buy a Friend at any Price that I could love and trust.
Beau.Ay, could we but drive on such a Bargain.
Aria.You should not be the Man; You have a Mistress, Sir, that has your Heart, and all your softer Hours: I know’t, and if I were so wretched as to marry thee, must see my Fortune lavisht out on her; her Coaches, Dress, and Equipage exceed mine by far: Possess she all the day thy Hours of Mirth, good Humour and Expence, thy Smiles, thy Kisses, and thy Charms of Wit. Oh how you talk and look when in her Presence! but when with me,
A Pox of Love and Woman-kind,[Sings.And all the Fops adore ’em.
A Pox of Love and Woman-kind,[Sings.
And all the Fops adore ’em.
How it’s, Cuz—then slap, on goes the Beaver, which being cock’d, you bear up briskly, with the second Part to the same Tune—Harkye, Sir, let me advise you to pack up yourTrumpery and be gone, your honourable Love, your matrimonial Foppery, with your other Trinkets thereunto belonging; or I shall talk aloud, and let your Uncle hear you.
Beau.Sure she cannot know I loveLa Nuche.[Aside.]The Devil take me, spoil’d! What Rascal has inveigled thee? What lying fawning Coward has abus’d thee? When fell you into this Leudness? Pox, thou art hardly worth the loving now, that canst be such a Fool, to wish me chaste, or love me for that Virtue; or that wouldst have me a ceremonious Whelp, one that makes handsom Legs to Knights without laughing, or with a sneaking modest Squirish Countenance; assure you, I have my Maidenhead. A Curse upon thee, the very thought of Wife has made thee formal.
Aria.I must dissemble, or he’ll stay all day to make his peace again—why, have you ne’er—a Mistress then?
Beau.A hundred, by this day, as many as I like, they are my Mirth, the business of my loose and wanton Hours; but thou art my Devotion, the grave, the solemn Pleasure of my Soul—Pox, would I were handsomly rid of thee too.[Aside.]—Come, I have business—send me pleas’d away.
Aria.Would to Heaven thou wert gone;[Aside.]You’re going to some Woman now.
Beau.Oh damn the Sex, I hate ’em all—but thee—farewell, my pretty jealous-sullen-Fool.[Goes out.
Aria.Farewel, believing Coxcomb.[EnterLucia.
Lucia.Madam, the Clothes are ready in your Chamber.
Aria.Let’s haste and put ’em on then.[Runs out.
ACT III.
Scene I.A House.
EnterFetherfoolandBlunt, staring about, after themShift.
Shift.Well, Gentlemen, this is the Doctor’s House, and your fifty Pistoles has made him intirely yours; the Ladiestoo are here in safe Custody—Come, draw Lots who shall have the Dwarf, and who the Giant.[They draw.
Feth.I have the Giant.
Blunt.And I the little tiny Gentlewoman.
Shift.Well, you shall first see the Ladies, and then prepare for your UncleMoses, the oldJewGuardian, before whom you must be very grave and sententious: You know the old Law was full of Ceremony.
Feth.Well, I long to see the Ladies, and to have the first Onset over.
Shift.I’ll cause ’em to walk forth immediately.[Goes out.
Feth.My Heart begins to fail me plaguily—would I could see ’em a little at a Distance before they come slap dash upon a Man.[Peeping.
Hah!—Mercy upon us!—What’s yonder!—Ah,Ned, my Monster is as big as the Whore ofBabylon—Oh I’m in a cold Sweat—[Bluntpulls him to peep, and both do so.
Oh Lord! she’s as tall as the St.ChristopherinNotre-dameatParis, and the little one looks like the Christo upon his Shoulders—I shall ne’er be able to stand the first Brunt.
Blunt.’Dsheartlikins, whither art going?[Pulls him back.
Feth.Why only—to—say my Prayers a little—I’ll be with thee presently.[Offers to go, he pulls him.
Blunt.What a Pox, art thou afraid of a Woman—
Feth.Not of a Woman,Ned, but of a SheGargantua, I am of aHerculesin Petticoats.
Blunt.The less Resemblance the better. ’Shartlikins, I’d rather mine were aCentaurthan a Woman: No, since myNaplesAdventure, I am clearly for your Monster.
Feth.Prithee,Ned, there’s Reason in all things—
Blunt.But villainous Woman—’Dshartlikins, stand your Ground, or I’ll nail you to’t: Why, what a Pox are you so quezy stomach’d, a Monster won’t down with you, with a hundred thousand Pound to boot.[Pulling him.
Feth.Nay,Ned, that mollifies something; and I scorn it should be said ofNich. Fetherfoolthat he left his Friendin danger, or did an ill thing: therefore, as thou say’st,Ned, tho she were a Centaur, I’ll not budg an Inch.
Blunt.Why God a Mercy.
Enter theGiantandDwarf, with themShiftas an Operator,andHarlequinattending.
Feth.Oh—they come—Prithee,Ned, advance—[Puts him forward.
Shift.Most beautiful Ladies.
Feth.Why, what a flattering Son of a Whore’s this?
Shift.These are the illustrious Persons your Uncle designs your humble Servants, and who have so extraordinary a Passion for your Seignioraships.
Feth.Oh yes, a most damnable one: Wou’d I were cleanlily off the Lay, and had my Money again.
Blunt.Think of a Million, Rogue, and do not hang an Arse thus.
Giant.What, does the Cavalier think I’ll devour him?[ToShift.
Feth.Something inclin’d to such a Fear.
Blunt.Go and salute her, or, Adsheartlikins, I’ll leave you to her Mercy.
Feth.Oh, dearNed, have pity on me—but as for saluting her, you speak of more than may be done, dear Heart, without a Scaling Ladder.[ExitShift.
Dwarf.Sure, SeigniorHarlequin,these Gentlemen are dumb.
Blunt.No, my little diminutive Mistress, my small Epitomy of Woman-kind, we can prattle when our Hands are in, but we are raw and bashful, young Beginners; for this is the first time we ever were in love: we are something aukard, or so, but we shall come on in time, and mend upon Incouragement.
Feth.Pox on him, what a delicate Speech has he made now—’Gad, I’d give a thousand Pounds a Year forNed’sconcise Wit, but not a Groat for his Judgment in Womankind.
Enter Shift with a Ladder, sets it against the Giant, and bows toFetherfool.
Shift.Here, Seignior, Don, approach, mount, and salute the Lady.
Feth.Mount! why,’twould turn my Brains to look down from her Shoulders—But hang’t, ’Gad, I will be brave and venture.[Runs up the Ladder, salutes her, and runs down again.
And Egad this was an Adventure and a bold one—but since I am come off with a whole Skin, I am flesht for the next onset—Madam—has your Greatness any mind to marry?[Goes to her, speaks, and runs back; Blunt claps him on the Back.
Giant.What if I have?
Feth.Why then, Madam, without inchanted Sword or Buckler, I’m your Man.
Giant.My Man? my Mouse. I’ll marry none whose Person and Courage shall not bear some Proportion to mine.
Feth.Your Mightiness I fear will die a Maid then.
Giant.I doubt you’ll scarce secure me from that Fear, who court my Fortune, not my Beauty.
Feth.Hu, how scornfulshe is, I’ll warrant you—why I must confess, your Person is something heroical and masculine, but I protest to your Highness, I love and honour ye.
Dwarf.Prithee, Sister, be not so coy, I like my Lover well enough; and if Seignior Mountebank keep his Word in making us of reasonable Proportions, I think the Gentlemen may serve for Husbands.
Shift.Dissemble, or you betray your Love for us.[Aside to the Giant.
Giant.And if he do keep his Word, I should make a better Choice, not that I would change this noble Frame of mine, cou’d I but meet my Match, and keep up the first Race of Man intire: But since this scanty World affords none such, I to be happy, must be new created, and then shall expect a wiser Lover.
Feth.Why, what a peevish Titt’s this; nay, look ye, Madam, as for that matter, your Extraordinariness may do what you please—but ’tis not done like a Monster of Honour, when a Man has set his Heart upon you, to cast him off—Therefore I hope you’ll pity a despairing Lover, and cast down an Eye of Consolation upon me; for I vow, most Amazonian Princess, I love ye as if Heaven and Earth wou’d come together.
Dwarf.My Sister will do much, I’m sure, to save the Man that loves her so passionately—she has a Heart.
Feth.And a swinger ’tis—’Sbud—she moves likethe Royal Sovereign, and is as long a tacking about.[Aside.
Giant.Then your Religion, Sir.
Feth.Nay, as for that, Madam, we areEnglish, a Nation I thank God, that stand as little upon Religion as any Nation under the Sun, unless it be in Contradiction; and at this time have so many amongst us, a Man knows not which to turn his Hand to—neither will I stand with your Hugeness for a small matter of Faith or so—Religion shall shall break no squares.
Dwarf.I hope, Sir, you are of your Friend’s Opinion.
Blunt.My little Spark of a Diamond, I am, I was born aJew, with an Aversion to Swines Flesh.
Dwarf.Well, Sir, I shall hasten Seignior Doctor to compleat my Beauty, by some small Addition, to appear the more grateful to you.
Blunt.Lady, do not trouble your self with transitory Parts, ’Dshartlikins thou’rt as handsom as needs be for a Wife.
Dwarf.A little taller, Seignior, wou’d not do amiss, my younger Sister has got so much the Start of me.
Blunt.In troth she has, and now I think on’t, a little taller wou’d do well for Propagation; I should be both the Posterity of the antient Family of theBluntsofEssexshould dwindle into Pigmies or Fairies.
Giant.Well, Seigniors, since you come with our Uncle’s liking, we give ye leave to hope, hope—and be happy—[They go outwithHarlequin.
Feth.Egad, and that’s great and gracious—
EnterWillmoreand an Operator.
Will.Well, Gentlemen, and how like you the Ladies?
Blunt.Faith, well enough for the first Course, Sir.
Will.The Uncle, by my indeavour, is intirely yours—but whilst the Baths are preparing,’twould be well if you would think of what Age, Shape, and Complexion you would have your Ladies form’d in.
Feth.Why, may we chuse, Mr. Doctor?
Will.What Beauties you please.
Feth.Then will I have my Giant,Ned, just such another Gentlewoman as I saw at Church to day—and about some fifteen.
Blunt.Hum, fifteen—I begin to have a plaguy Itch about me too, towards a handsome Damsel of fifteen; but first let’s marry, lest they should be boiled away in these Baths of Reformation.
Feth.But, Doctor, can you do all this without the help of the Devil?
Will.Hum, some small Hand he has in the Business? we make an Exchange with him, give him the clippings of the Giant for so much of his Store as will serve to build the Dwarf.
Blunt.Why, then mine will be more than three Parts Devil, Mr. Doctor.
Will.Not so, the Stock is only Devil, the Graft is your own little Wife inoculated.
Blunt.Well, let the Devil and you agree about this matter as soon as you please.
EnterShiftas an Operator.
Shift.Sir, there is without a Person of an extraordinary Size wou’d speak with you.
Will.Admit him.
EnterHarlequin, ushers inHuntas a Giant.
Feth.Hah—some o’ergrown Rival, on my Life.[Feth.gets from it.
Will.What the Devil have we here?[Aside.
Hunt.Bezolos mano’s, Seignior, I understand there is a Lady whose Beauty and Proportion can only merit me: I’ll say no more—but shall be grateful to you for your Assistance.
Feth.’Tis so.
Hunt.The Devil’s in’t if this does not fright ’em from a farther Courtship.[Aside.
Will.Fear nothing, Seignior—Seignior, you may try your Chance, and visit the Ladies.[Talks toHunt.
Feth.Why, where the Devil could this Monster conceal himself all this while, that we should neither see nor hear of him?
Blunt.Oh—he lay disguis’d; I have heard of an Army that has done so.
Feth.Pox, no single House cou’d hold him.
Blunt.No—he dispos’d himself in several parcels up and down the Town, here a Leg, and there an Arm; and hearing of this proper Match for him, put himself together to court his fellow Monster.
Feth.Good Lord! I wonder what Religion he’s of.
Blunt.Some heathen Papist, by his notable Plots and Contrivances.
Will.’TisHunt, that Rogue—[Aside.]Sir, I confess there is great Power in Sympathy—Conduct him to the Ladies—[He tries to go in at the Door.
—I am sorry you cannot enter at that low Door, Seignior, I’ll have it broken down—
Hunt.No, Seignior, I can go in at twice.
Feth.How, at twice! what a Pox can he mean?
Will.Oh, Sir,’tis a frequent thing by way of Inchantment.[Huntbeing all Doublet, leaps off from another Man who is all Breeches, and goes out; Breeches follows stalking.
Feth.Oh Pox, Mr. Doctor, this must be the Devil.
Will.Oh fie, Sir, the Devil! no ’tis all done by aninchanted Girdle—These damn’d Rascals will spoil all by too gross an Imposition on the Fools.[Aside.
Feth.This is the Devil,Ned, that’s certain—But hark ye, Mr. Doctor, I hope I shall not have my Mistress inchanted from me by this inchanted Rival, hah?
Will.Oh, no, Sir, the Inquisition will never let ’em marry, for fear of a Race of Giants,’twill be worse than the Invasion of theMoors, or theFrench: but go—think of your Mistresses Names and Ages, here’s Company, and you would not be seen.[Ex.BluntandFeth.
EnterLa NucheandAurelia;Will.bows to her.
La Nu.Sir, the Fame of your excellent Knowledge, and what you said to me this day; has given me a Curiosity to learn my Fate, at least that Fate you threatened.
Will.Madam, from the Oracle in the Box you may be resolved any Question—[Leads her to the Table, where stands a Box full of Balls; he stares on her.
—How lovely every absent minute makes her—Madam, be pleas’d to draw from out this Box what Ball you will.[She draws, he takes it, and gazes on her and on it.
Madam, upon this little Globe is character’d your Fate and Fortune; the History of your Life to come and past—first, Madam—you’re—a Whore.
La Nu.A very plain beginning.
Will.My Art speaks simple Truth; the Moon is your Ascendent, that covetous Planet that borrows all her Light, and is in opposition still toVenus; and Interest more prevails with you than Love: yet here I find a cross—intruding Line—that does inform me—you have an Itch that way, but Interest still opposes: you are a slavish mercenary Prostitute.
La Nu.Your Art is so, tho call’d divine, and all the Universe is sway’d by Interest: and would you wish this Beauty which adorns me, should be dispos’d about for Charity? Proceed and speak more Reason.
Will.ButVenushere gets the Ascent again, and spite of—Interest, spite of all Aversion, will make you doat upon a Man—[Still looking on, and turning the Ball.
Wild, fickle, restless,faithless as the Winds!—a Man of Arms he is—and by this Line—a Captain—[Looking on her.]forMarsandVenuswere in conjunction at his Birth—and Love and War’s his business.
La Nu.There thou hast toucht my Heart, and spoke so true, that all thou say’st I shall receive as Oracle. Well, grant I love, that shall not make me yield.
Will.I must confess you’re ruin’d if you yield, and yet not all your Pride, not all your Vows, your Wit, your Resolution, or your Cunning, can hinder him from conquering absolutely: your Stars are fixt, and Fate irrevocable.
La Nu.No,—I will controul my Stars and Inclinations; and tho I love him more than Power or Interest, I will be Mistress of myfixt Resolves—One Question more—Does this same Captain, this wild happy Man love me?
Will.I do not—find—it here—only a possibility incourag’d by your Love—Oh that you cou’d resist—but you are destin’d his, and to be ruin’d.[Sighs, and looks on her, she grows in a Rage.
La Nu.Why do you tell me this? I am betray’d, and every caution blows my kindling Flame—hold—tell me no more—I might have guess’d my Fate, from my own Soul have guest it—but yet I will be brave, I will resist in spite of Inclinations, Stars, or Devils.
Will.Strive not, fair Creature, with the Net that holds you, you’ll but intangle more. Alas! you must submit and be undone.
La Nu.Damn your false Art—had he but lov’d me too, it had excus’d the Malice of my Stars.
Will.Indeed, his Love is doubtful; for here—I trace him in a new pursuit—which if you can this Night prevent, perhaps you fix him.
La Nu.Hah, pursuing a new Mistress! there thouhast met the little Resolution I had left, and dasht it into nothing—but I have vow’d Allegiance to my Interest—Curse on my Stars, they cou’d not give me Love where that might be advanc’d—I’ll hear no more.[Gives him Money.
Enter Shift.
Shift.Sir, there are several Strangers arriv’d, who talk of the old Oracle. How will you receive ’em?
Will.I’ve business now, and must be excus’d, a while.—Thus far—I’m well; but I may tell my Tale so often o’er, till, like the Trick of Love, I spoil the pleasure by the repetition.—Now I’ll uncase, and see what Effects my Art has wrought onLa Nuche, for she’s the promis’d Good, the Philosophick Treasure that terminates my Toil and Industry. Wait you here.[Ex.Will.
EnterAriadnein Mens Clothes, withLuciaso drest, and other Strangers.
Aria.How now, Seignior Operator, where’s this renowned Man of Arts and Sciences, this Don of Wonders?—hah! may a Man have a Pistole’s Worth or two of his Tricks? will he shew, Seignior?
Shift.Whatever you dare see, Sir.
Aria.And I dare see the greatest Bug-bear he can conjure up, my Mistress’s Face in a Glass excepted.
Shift.That he can shew, Sir, but is now busied in weighty Affairs with a Grandee.
Aria.Pox, must we wait the Leisure of formal Grandees and Statesmen—ha, who’s this?—the lovely Conqueress of my Heart,La Nuche.[Goes to her, she is talking withAurel.
La Nu.What foolish thing art thou?
Aria.Nay, do not frown, nor fly; for if you do, I must arrest you, fair one.
La Nu.At whose Suit, pray?
Aria.At Love’s—you have stol’n a Heart of mine, and us’d it scurvily.
La Nu.By what marks do you know the Toy, that I may be no longer troubled with it?
Aria.By a fresh Wound, which toucht by her that gave it bleeds anew, a Heart all over kind and amorous.
La Nu.When was this pretty Robbery committed?
Ana.To day, most sacrilegiously, at Church, where you debauch’d my Zeal; and when I wou’d have pray’d, your Eyes had put the Change upon my Tongue, and made it utter Railings: Heav’n forgive ye!
La Nu.You are the gayest thing without a Heart, I ever saw.
Aria.I scorn to flinch for a bare Wound or two; nor is he routed that has lost the day,he may again rally, renew the Fight, and vanquish.
La Nu.You have a good opinion of that Beauty, which I find not so forcible, nor that fond Prattle uttered with such Confidence.
Aria.But I have Quality and Fortune too.
La Nu.So had you need. I should have guest the first by your pertness; for your saucy thing of Quality acts the Man as impudently at fourteen, as another at thirty: nor is there any thing so hateful as to hear it talk of Love, Women and Drinking; nay, to see it marry too at that Age, and get itself a Play-fellow in its Son and Heir.
Aria.This Satyr on my Youth shall never put me out of countenance, or make me think you wish me one day older; and egad, I’ll warrantthem that tries me, shall find me ne’er an hour too young.
La Nu.You mistake my Humour, I hate the Person of a fair conceited Boy.
EnterWillmoredrest, singing.