An arrival platform. The LITTLE MAN, with the BABY and the bundle, is standing disconsolate, while travellers pass and luggage is being carried by. A STATION OFFICIAL, accompanied by a POLICEMAN, appears from a doorway, behind him.
An arrival platform. The LITTLE MAN, with the BABY and the bundle, is standing disconsolate, while travellers pass and luggage is being carried by. A STATION OFFICIAL, accompanied by a POLICEMAN, appears from a doorway, behind him.
OFFICIAL. [Consulting telegram in his hand] 'Das ist der Herr'.
[They advance to the LITTLE MAN.]
[They advance to the LITTLE MAN.]
OFFICIAL. 'Sie haben einen Buben gestohlen'?
LITTLE MAN. I only speak English and American.
OFFICIAL. 'Dies ist nicht Ihr Bube'?
[He touches the Baby.]
[He touches the Baby.]
LITTLE MAN. [Shaking his head] Take care—it's ill.
[The man does not understand.]
[The man does not understand.]
Ill—the baby——
OFFICIAL. [Shaking his head] 'Verstehe nicht'. Dis is nod your baby? No?
LITTLE MAN. [Shaking his head violently] No, it is not. No.
OFFICIAL. [Tapping the telegram] Gut! You are 'rested. [He signs to the POLICEMAN, who takes the LITTLE MAN's arm.]
LITTLE MAN. Why? I don't want the poor baby.
OFFICIAL. [Lifting the bundle] 'Dies ist nicht Ihr Gepack'—pag?
LITTLE Mary. No.
OFFICIAL. Gut! You are 'rested.
LITTLE MAN. I only took it for the poor woman. I'm not a thief— I'm—I'm——
OFFICIAL. [Shaking head] Verstehe nicht.
[The LITTLE MAN tries to tear his hair. The disturbed BABY wails.]
[The LITTLE MAN tries to tear his hair. The disturbed BABY wails.]
LITTLE MAN. [Dandling it as best he can] There, there—poor, poor!
OFFICIAL. Halt still! You are 'rested. It is all right.
LITTLE MAN. Where is the mother?
OFFICIAL. She comet by next drain. Das telegram say: 'Halt einen Herren mit schwarzem Buben and schwarzem Gepack'. 'Rest gentleman mit black baby and black—pag.
[The LITTLE MAN turns up his eyes to heaven.]
[The LITTLE MAN turns up his eyes to heaven.]
OFFICIAL. 'Komm mit us'.
[They take the LITTLE MAN toward the door from which they have come. A voice stops them.]
[They take the LITTLE MAN toward the door from which they have come. A voice stops them.]
AMERICAN. [Speaking from as far away as may be] Just a moment!
[The OFFICIAL stops; the LITTLE MAN also stops and sits down on a bench against the wall. The POLICEMAN stands stolidly beside him. The AMERICAN approaches a step or two, beckoning; the OFFICIAL goes up to him.]
[The OFFICIAL stops; the LITTLE MAN also stops and sits down on a bench against the wall. The POLICEMAN stands stolidly beside him. The AMERICAN approaches a step or two, beckoning; the OFFICIAL goes up to him.]
AMERICAN. Guess you've got an angel from heaven there! What's the gentleman in buttons for?
OFFICIAL. 'Was ist das'?
AMERICAN. Is there anybody here that can understand American?
OFFICIAL. 'Verstehe nicht'.
AMERICAN. Well, just watch my gestures. I was saying [He points to the LITTLE MAN, then makes gestures of flying] you have an angel from heaven there. You have there a man in whom Gawd [He points upward] takes quite an amount of stock. You have no call to arrest him. [He makes the gesture of arrest] No, Sir. Providence has acted pretty mean, loading off that baby on him. [He makes the motion of dandling] The little man has a heart of gold. [He points to his heart, and takes out a gold coin.]
OFFICIAL. [Thinking he is about to be bribed] 'Aber, das ist zu viel'!
AMERICAN. Now, don't rattle me! [Pointing to the LITTLE MAN] Man [Pointing to his heart] 'Herz' [Pointing to the coin] 'von' Gold. This is a flower of the field—he don't want no gentleman in buttons to pluck him up.
[A little crowd is gathering, including the Two ENGLISH, the GERMAN, and the DUTCH YOUTH.]
[A little crowd is gathering, including the Two ENGLISH, the GERMAN, and the DUTCH YOUTH.]
OFFICIAL. 'Verstehe absolut nichts'. [He taps the telegram] 'Ich muss mein' duty do.
AMERICAN. But I'm telling you. This is a white man. This is probably the whitest man on Gawd's earth.
OFFICIAL. 'Das macht nichts'—gut or no gut, I muss mein duty do. [He turns to go toward the LITTLE MAN.]
AMERICAN. Oh! Very well, arrest him; do your duty. This baby has typhus.
[At the word "typhus" the OFFICIAL stops.]
[At the word "typhus" the OFFICIAL stops.]
AMERICAN. [Making gestures] First-class typhus, black typhus, schwarzen typhus. Now you have it. I'm kind o' sorry for you and the gentleman in buttons. Do your duty!
OFFICIAL. Typhus? Der Bub—die baby hat typhus?
AMERICAN. I'm telling you.
OFFICIAL. Gott im Himmel!
AMERICAN. [Spotting the GERMAN in the little throng] here's a gentleman will corroborate me.
OFFICIAL. [Much disturbed, and signing to the POLICEMAN to stand clear] Typhus! 'Aber das ist grasslich'!
AMERICAN. I kind o' thought you'd feel like that.
OFFICIAL. 'Die Sanitatsmachine! Gleich'!
[A PORTER goes to get it. From either side the broken half-moon of persons stand gazing at the LITTLE MAN, who sits unhappily dandling the BABY in the centre.]
[A PORTER goes to get it. From either side the broken half-moon of persons stand gazing at the LITTLE MAN, who sits unhappily dandling the BABY in the centre.]
OFFICIAL. [Raising his hands] 'Was zu thun'?
AMERICAN. Guess you'd better isolate the baby.
[A silence, during which the LITTLE MAN is heard faintly whistling and clucking to the BABY.]
[A silence, during which the LITTLE MAN is heard faintly whistling and clucking to the BABY.]
OFFICIAL. [Referring once more to his telegram]
"'Rest gentleman mit black baby." [Shaking his head] Wir must de gentleman hold. [To the GERMAN] 'Bitte, mein Herr, sagen Sie ihm, den Buben zu niedersetzen'. [He makes the gesture of deposit.]
GERMAN. [To the LITTLE MAN] He say: Put down the baby.
[The LITTLE MAN shakes his head, and continues to dandle the BABY.]
[The LITTLE MAN shakes his head, and continues to dandle the BABY.]
OFFICIAL. You must.
[The LITTLE MAN glowers, in silence.]
[The LITTLE MAN glowers, in silence.]
ENGLISHMAN. [In background—muttering] Good man!
GERMAN. His spirit ever denies.
OFFICIAL. [Again making his gesture] 'Aber er muss'!
[The LITTLE MAN makes a face at him.]
[The LITTLE MAN makes a face at him.]
'Sag' Ihm': Instantly put down baby, and komm' mit us.
[The BABY wails.]
[The BABY wails.]
LITTLE MAN. Leave the poor ill baby here alone? Be—be—be d—-d to you!
AMERICAN. [Jumping on to a trunk—with enthusiasm] Bully!
[The ENGLISH clap their hands; the DUTCH YOUTH laughs. The OFFICIAL is muttering, greatly incensed.]
[The ENGLISH clap their hands; the DUTCH YOUTH laughs. The OFFICIAL is muttering, greatly incensed.]
AMERICAN. What does that body-snatcher say?
GERMAN. He say this man use the baby to save himself from arrest. Very smart he say.
AMERICAN. I judge you do him an injustice. [Showing off the LITTLE MAN with a sweep of his arm.] This is a white man. He's got a black baby, and he won' leave it in the lurch. Guess we would all act noble that way, give us the chance.
[The LITTLE MAN rises, holding out the BABY, and advances a step or two. The half-moon at once gives, increasing its size; the AMERICAN climbs on to a higher trunk. The LITTLE MAN retires and again sits down.]
[The LITTLE MAN rises, holding out the BABY, and advances a step or two. The half-moon at once gives, increasing its size; the AMERICAN climbs on to a higher trunk. The LITTLE MAN retires and again sits down.]
AMERICAN. [Addressing the OFFICIAL] Guess you'd better go out of business and wait for the mother.
OFFICIAL. [Stamping his foot] Die Mutter sall 'rested be for taking out baby mit typhus. Ha! [To the LITTLE MAN] Put ze baby down!
[The LITTLE MAN smiles.]
[The LITTLE MAN smiles.]
Do you 'ear?
AMERICAN. [Addressing the OFFICIAL] Now, see here. 'Pears to me you don't suspicion just how beautiful this is. Here we have a man giving his life for that old baby that's got no claim on him. This is not a baby of his own making. No, sir, this is a very Christ-like proposition in the gentleman.
OFFICIAL. Put ze baby down, or ich will goummand someone it to do.
AMERICAN. That will be very interesting to watch.
OFFICIAL. [To POLICEMAN] Dake it vrom him.
[The POLICEMAN mutters, but does not.]
[The POLICEMAN mutters, but does not.]
AMERICAN. [To the German] Guess I lost that.
GERMAN. He say he is not his officier.
AMERICAN. That just tickles me to death.
OFFICIAL. [Looking round] Vill nobody dake ze Bub'?
ENGLISHWOMAN. [Moving a step faintly] Yes—I——
ENGLISHMAN. [Grasping her arm]. By Jove! Will you!
OFFICIAL. [Gathering himself for a great effort to take the BABY, and advancing two steps] Zen I goummand you—[He stops and his voice dies away] Zit dere!
AMERICAN. My! That's wonderful. What a man this is! What a sublime sense of duty!
[The DUTCH YOUTH laughs. The OFFICIAL turns on him, but as he does so the MOTHER of the Busy is seen hurrying.]
[The DUTCH YOUTH laughs. The OFFICIAL turns on him, but as he does so the MOTHER of the Busy is seen hurrying.]
MOTHER. 'Ach! Ach! Mei' Bubi'!
[Her face is illumined; she is about to rush to the LITTLE MAN.]
[Her face is illumined; she is about to rush to the LITTLE MAN.]
OFFICIAL. [To the POLICEMAN] 'Nimm die Frau'!
[The POLICEMAN catches hold of the WOMAN.]
[The POLICEMAN catches hold of the WOMAN.]
OFFICIAL. [To the frightened WOMAN] 'Warum haben Sie einen Buben mit Typhus mit ausgebracht'?
AMERICAN. [Eagerly, from his perch] What was that? I don't want to miss any.
GERMAN. He say: Why did you a baby with typhus with you bring out?
AMERICAN. Well, that's quite a question.
[He takes out the field-glasses slung around him and adjusts them on the BABY.]
[He takes out the field-glasses slung around him and adjusts them on the BABY.]
MOTHER. [Bewildered] Mei' Bubi—Typhus—aber Typhus? [She shakes her head violently] 'Nein, nein, nein! Typhus'!
OFFICIAL. Er hat Typhus.
MOTHER. [Shaking her head] 'Nein, nein, nein'!
AMERICAN. [Looking through his glasses] Guess she's kind of right! I judge the typhus is where the baby' slobbered on the shawl, and it's come off on him.
[The DUTCH YOUTH laughs.]
[The DUTCH YOUTH laughs.]
OFFICIAL. [Turning on him furiously] Er hat Typhus.
AMERICAN. Now, that's where you slop over. Come right here.
[The OFFICIAL mounts, and looks through the glasses.]
[The OFFICIAL mounts, and looks through the glasses.]
AMERICAN. [To the LITTLE MAN] Skin out the baby's leg. If we don't locate spots on that, it'll be good enough for me.
[The LITTLE MAN fumbles Out the BABY'S little white foot.]
[The LITTLE MAN fumbles Out the BABY'S little white foot.]
MOTHER. Mei' Bubi! [She tries to break away.]
AMERICAN. White as a banana. [To the OFFICIAL—affably] Guess you've made kind of a fool of us with your old typhus.
OFFICIAL. Lass die Frau!
[The POLICEMAN lets her go, and she rushes to her BABY.]
[The POLICEMAN lets her go, and she rushes to her BABY.]
MOTHER. Mei' Bubi!
[The BABY, exchanging the warmth of the LITTLE MAN for the momentary chill of its MOTHER, wails.]
[The BABY, exchanging the warmth of the LITTLE MAN for the momentary chill of its MOTHER, wails.]
OFFICIAL. [Descending and beckoning to the POLICEMAN] 'Sie wollen den Herrn accusiren'?
[The POLICEMAN takes the LITTLE MAN's arm.]
[The POLICEMAN takes the LITTLE MAN's arm.]
AMERICAN. What's that? They goin' to pitch him after all?
[The MOTHER, still hugging her BABY, who has stopped crying, gazes at the LITTLE MAN, who sits dazedly looking up. Suddenly she drops on her knees, and with her free hand lifts his booted foot and kisses it.]
[The MOTHER, still hugging her BABY, who has stopped crying, gazes at the LITTLE MAN, who sits dazedly looking up. Suddenly she drops on her knees, and with her free hand lifts his booted foot and kisses it.]
AMERICAN. [Waving his hat] Ra! Ra! [He descends swiftly, goes up to the LITTLE MAN, whose arm the POLICEMAN has dropped, and takes his hand] Brother; I am proud to know you. This is one of the greatest moments I have ever experienced. [Displaying the LITTLE MAN to the assembled company] I think I sense the situation when I say that we all esteem it an honour to breathe the rather inferior atmosphere of this station here Along with our little friend. I guess we shall all go home and treasure the memory of his face as the whitest thing in our museum of recollections. And perhaps this good woman will also go home and wash the face of our little brother here. I am inspired with a new faith in mankind. Ladies and gentlemen, I wish to present to you a sure-enough saint—only wants a halo, to be transfigured. [To the LITTLE MAN] Stand right up.
[The LITTLE MAN stands up bewildered. They come about him. The OFFICIAL bows to him, the POLICEMAN salutes him. The DUTCH YOUTH shakes his head and laughs. The GERMAN draws himself up very straight, and bows quickly twice. The ENGLISHMAN and his WIFE approach at least two steps, then, thinking better of it, turn to each other and recede. The MOTHER kisses his hand. The PORTER returning with the Sanitatsmachine, turns it on from behind, and its pinkish shower, goldened by a ray of sunlight, falls around the LITTLE MAN's head, transfiguring it as he stands with eyes upraised to see whence the portent comes.]
[The LITTLE MAN stands up bewildered. They come about him. The OFFICIAL bows to him, the POLICEMAN salutes him. The DUTCH YOUTH shakes his head and laughs. The GERMAN draws himself up very straight, and bows quickly twice. The ENGLISHMAN and his WIFE approach at least two steps, then, thinking better of it, turn to each other and recede. The MOTHER kisses his hand. The PORTER returning with the Sanitatsmachine, turns it on from behind, and its pinkish shower, goldened by a ray of sunlight, falls around the LITTLE MAN's head, transfiguring it as he stands with eyes upraised to see whence the portent comes.]
AMERICAN. [Rushing forward and dropping on his knees] Hold on just a minute! Guess I'll take a snapshot of the miracle. [He adjusts his pocket camera] This ought to look bully!
CURTAIN
HALL-MARKED
DEFEAT
THE SUN
PUNCH AND GO
CHARACTERSHERSELF.LADY ELLA.THE SQUIRE.THE MAID.MAUD.THE RECTOR.THE DOCTOR.THE CABMAN.HANNIBAL and EDWARD
The scene is the sitting-room and verandah of HER bungalow. The room is pleasant, and along the back, where the verandah runs, it seems all window, both French and casement. There is a door right and a door left. The day is bright; the time morning. [HERSELF, dripping wet, comes running along the verandah, through the French window, with a wet Scotch terrier in her arms. She vanishes through the door left. A little pause, and LADY ELLA comes running, dry, thin, refined, and agitated. She halts where the tracks of water cease at the door left. A little pause, and MAUD comes running, fairly dry, stolid, breathless, and dragging a bull-dog, wet, breathless, and stout, by the crutch end of her 'en-tout-cas'].
The scene is the sitting-room and verandah of HER bungalow. The room is pleasant, and along the back, where the verandah runs, it seems all window, both French and casement. There is a door right and a door left. The day is bright; the time morning. [HERSELF, dripping wet, comes running along the verandah, through the French window, with a wet Scotch terrier in her arms. She vanishes through the door left. A little pause, and LADY ELLA comes running, dry, thin, refined, and agitated. She halts where the tracks of water cease at the door left. A little pause, and MAUD comes running, fairly dry, stolid, breathless, and dragging a bull-dog, wet, breathless, and stout, by the crutch end of her 'en-tout-cas'].
LADY ELLA. Don't bring Hannibal in till I know where she's put Edward!
MAUD. [Brutally, to HANNIBAL] Bad dog! Bad dog!
[HANNIBAL snuffles.]
[HANNIBAL snuffles.]
LADY ELLA. Maud, do take him out! Tie him up. Here! [She takes out a lace handkerchief ] No—something stronger! Poor darling Edward! [To HANNIBAL] You are a bad dog!
[HANNIBAL snuffles.]
[HANNIBAL snuffles.]
MAUD. Edward began it, Ella. [To HANNIBAL] Bad dog! Bad dog!
[HANNIBAL snuffles.]
[HANNIBAL snuffles.]
LADY ELLA. Tie him up outside. Here, take my scarf. Where is my poor treasure? [She removes her scarf] Catch! His ear's torn; I saw it.
MAUD. [Taking the scarf, to HANNIBAL] Now!
[HANNIBAL snuffles.] [She ties the scarf to his collar]
[HANNIBAL snuffles.] [She ties the scarf to his collar]
He smells horrible. Bad dog—getting into ponds to fight!
LADY ELLA. Tie him up, Maud. I must try in here.
[Their husbands, THE SQUIRE and THE RECTOR, come hastening along the verandah.]
[Their husbands, THE SQUIRE and THE RECTOR, come hastening along the verandah.]
MAUD. [To THE RECTOR] Smell him, Bertie! [To THE SQUIRE] You might have that pond drained, Squire!
[She takes HANNIBAL out, and ties him to the verandah. THE SQUIRE and RECTOR Come in. LADY ELLA is knocking on the door left.]
[She takes HANNIBAL out, and ties him to the verandah. THE SQUIRE and RECTOR Come in. LADY ELLA is knocking on the door left.]
HER VOICE. All right! I've bound him up!
LADY ELLA. May I come in?
HER VOICE. Just a second! I've got nothing on.
[LADY ELLA recoils. THE SQUIRE and RECTOR make an involuntary movement of approach.]
[LADY ELLA recoils. THE SQUIRE and RECTOR make an involuntary movement of approach.]
LADY ELLA. Oh! There you are!
THE RECTOR. [Doubtfully] I was just going to wade in——
LADY ELLA. Hannibal would have killed him, if she hadn't rushed in!
THE SQUIRE. Done him good, little beast!
LADY ELLA. Why didn't you go in, Tommy?
THE SQUIRE. Well, I would—only she——
LADY ELLA. I can't think how she got Edward out of Hannibal's awful mouth!
MAUD. [Without—to HANNIBAL, who is snuffling on the verandah and straining at the scarf] Bad dog!
LADY ELLA. We must simply thank her tremendously! I shall never forget the way she ran in, with her skirts up to her waist!
THE SQUIRE. By Jove! No. It was topping.
LADY ELLA. Her clothes must be ruined. That pond—ugh! [She wrinkles her nose] Tommy, do have it drained.
THE RECTOR. [Dreamily] I don't remember her face in church.
THE SQUIRE. Ah! Yes. Who is she? Pretty woman!
LADY ELLA. I must get the Vet. to Edward. [To THE SQUIRE] Tommy, do exert yourself!
[MAUD re-enters.]
[MAUD re-enters.]
THE SQUIRE. All right! [Exerting himself] Here's a bell!
HER VOICE. [Through the door] The bleeding's stopped. Shall I send him in to you?
LADY ELLA. Oh, please! Poor darling!
[They listen.] [LADY ELLA, prepares to receive EDWARD. THE SQUIRE and RECTOR stand transfixed. The door opens, and a bare arm gently pushes EDWARD forth. He is bandaged with a smooth towel. There is a snuffle—HANNIBAL has broken the scarf, outside.]
[They listen.] [LADY ELLA, prepares to receive EDWARD. THE SQUIRE and RECTOR stand transfixed. The door opens, and a bare arm gently pushes EDWARD forth. He is bandaged with a smooth towel. There is a snuffle—HANNIBAL has broken the scarf, outside.]
LADY ELLA. [Aghast] Look! Hannibal's loose! Maud—Tommy. [To THE RECTOR] You!
[The THREE rush to prevent HANNIBAL from re-entering.]
[The THREE rush to prevent HANNIBAL from re-entering.]
LADY ELLA. [To EDWARD] Yes, I know—you'd like to! You SHALL bite him when it's safe. Oh! my darling, you DO——[She sniffs].
[MAUD and THE SQUIRE re-enter.]
[MAUD and THE SQUIRE re-enter.]
Have you tied him properly this time?
MAUD. With Bertie's braces.
LADY ELLA. Oh! but——
MAUD. It's all right; they're almost leather.
[THE RECTOR re-enters, with a slight look of insecurity.]
[THE RECTOR re-enters, with a slight look of insecurity.]
LADY ELLA. Rector, are you sure it's safe?
THE RECTOR. [Hitching at his trousers] No, indeed, LADY Ella—I——
LADY ELLA. Tommy, do lend a hand!
THE SQUIRE. All right, Ella; all right! He doesn't mean what you mean!
LADY ELLA. [Transferring EDWARD to THE SQUIRE] Hold him, Tommy. He's sure to smell out Hannibal!
THE SQUIRE. [Taking EDWARD by the collar, and holding his own nose] Jove! Clever if he can smell anything but himself. Phew! She ought to have the Victoria Cross for goin' in that pond.
[The door opens, and HERSELF appears; a fine, frank, handsome woman, in a man's orange-coloured motor-coat, hastily thrown on over the substrata of costume.]
[The door opens, and HERSELF appears; a fine, frank, handsome woman, in a man's orange-coloured motor-coat, hastily thrown on over the substrata of costume.]
SHE. So very sorry—had to have a bath, and change, of course!
LADY ELLA. We're so awfully grateful to you. It was splendid.
MAUD. Quite.
THE RECTOR. [Rather holding himself together] Heroic! I was just myself about to——
THE SQUIRE. [Restraining EDWARD] Little beast will fight—must apologise—you were too quick for me——
[He looks up at her. She is smiling, and regarding the wounded dog, her head benevolently on one side.]
[He looks up at her. She is smiling, and regarding the wounded dog, her head benevolently on one side.]
SHE. Poor dears! They thought they were so safe in that nice pond!
LADY ELLA. Is he very badly torn?
SHE. Rather nasty. There ought to be a stitch or two put in his ear.
LADY ELLA. I thought so. Tommy, do——
THE SQUIRE. All right. Am I to let him go?
LADY ELLA. No.
MAUD. The fly's outside. Bertie, run and tell Jarvis to drive in for the Vet.
THE RECTOR. [Gentle and embarrassed] Run? Well, Maud—I——
SHE. The doctor would sew it up. My maid can go round.
[HANNIBAL. appears at the open casement with the broken braces dangling from his collar.]
[HANNIBAL. appears at the open casement with the broken braces dangling from his collar.]
LADY ELLA. Look! Catch him! Rector!
MAUD. Bertie! Catch him!
[THE RECTOR seizes HANNIBAL, but is seen to be in difficulties with his garments. HERSELF, who has gone out left, returns, with a leather strop in one hand and a pair of braces in the other.]
[THE RECTOR seizes HANNIBAL, but is seen to be in difficulties with his garments. HERSELF, who has gone out left, returns, with a leather strop in one hand and a pair of braces in the other.]
SHE. Take this strop—he can't break that. And would these be any good to you?
[SHE hands the braces to MAUD and goes out on to the verandah and hastily away. MAUD, transferring the braces to the RECTOR, goes out, draws HANNIBAL from the casement window, and secures him with the strap. THE RECTOR sits suddenly with the braces in his hands. There is a moment's peace.]
[SHE hands the braces to MAUD and goes out on to the verandah and hastily away. MAUD, transferring the braces to the RECTOR, goes out, draws HANNIBAL from the casement window, and secures him with the strap. THE RECTOR sits suddenly with the braces in his hands. There is a moment's peace.]
LADY ELLA. Splendid, isn't she? I do admire her.
THE SQUIRE. She's all there.
THE RECTOR. [Feelingly] Most kind.
[He looks ruefully at the braces and at LADY ELLA. A silence. MAUD reappears at the door and stands gazing at the braces.]
[He looks ruefully at the braces and at LADY ELLA. A silence. MAUD reappears at the door and stands gazing at the braces.]
THE SQUIRE. [Suddenly] Eh?
MAUD. Yes.
THE SQUIRE. [Looking at his wife] Ah!
LADY ELLA. [Absorbed in EDWARD] Poor darling!
THE SQUIRE. [Bluntly] Ella, the Rector wants to get up!
THE RECTOR. [Gently] Perhaps—just for a moment——
LADY ELLA. Oh! [She turns to the wall.]
[THE RECTOR, screened by his WIFE, retires on to the verandah to adjust his garments.]
[THE RECTOR, screened by his WIFE, retires on to the verandah to adjust his garments.]
THE SQUIRE. [Meditating] So she's married!
LADY ELLA. [Absorbed in EDWARD] Why?
THE SQUIRE. Braces.
LADY ELLA. Oh! Yes. We ought to ask them to dinner, Tommy.
THE SQUIRE. Ah! Yes. Wonder who they are?
[THE RECTOR and MAUD reappear.]
[THE RECTOR and MAUD reappear.]
THE RECTOR. Really very good of her to lend her husband's—I was— er—quite——
MAUD. That'll do, Bertie.
[THEY see HER returning along the verandah, followed by a sandy, red-faced gentleman in leather leggings, with a needle and cotton in his hand.]
[THEY see HER returning along the verandah, followed by a sandy, red-faced gentleman in leather leggings, with a needle and cotton in his hand.]
HERSELF. Caught the doctor just starting, So lucky!
LADY ELLA. Oh! Thank goodness!
DOCTOR. How do, Lady Ella? How do, Squire?—how do, Rector? [To MAUD] How de do? This the beastie? I see. Quite! Who'll hold him for me?
LADY ELLA. Oh! I!
HERSELF. D'you know, I think I'd better. It's so dreadful when it's your own, isn't it? Shall we go in here, doctor? Come along, pretty boy!
[She takes EDWARD, and they pass into the room, left.]
[She takes EDWARD, and they pass into the room, left.]
LADY ELLA. I dreaded it. She is splendid!
THE SQUIRE. Dogs take to her. That's a sure sign.
THE RECTOR. Little things—one can always tell.
THE SQUIRE. Something very attractive about her—what! Fine build of woman.
MAUD. I shall get hold of her for parish work.
THE RECTOR. Ah! Excellent—excellent! Do!
THE SQUIRE. Wonder if her husband shoots? She seems quite-er—quite——
LADY ELLA. [Watching the door] Quite! Altogether charming; one of the nicest faces I ever saw.
[THE DOCTOR comes out alone.]
[THE DOCTOR comes out alone.]
Oh! Doctor—have you? is it——?
DOCTOR. Right as rain! She held him like an angel—he just licked her, and never made a sound.
LADY ELLA. Poor darling! Can I——
[She signs toward the door.]
[She signs toward the door.]
DOCTOR. Better leave 'em a minute. She's moppin' 'im off. [He wrinkles his nose] Wonderful clever hands!
THE SQUIRE. I say—who is she?
DOCTOR. [Looking from face to face with a dubious and rather quizzical expression] Who? Well—there you have me! All I know is she's a first-rate nurse—been helpin' me with a case in Ditch Lane. Nice woman, too—thorough good sort! Quite an acquisition here. H'm! [Again that quizzical glance] Excuse me hurryin' off—very late. Good-bye, Rector. Good-bye, Lady Ella. Good-bye!
[He goes. A silence.]
[He goes. A silence.]
THE SQUIRE. H'm! I suppose we ought to be a bit careful.
[JARVIS, flyman of the old school, has appeared on the verandah.]
[JARVIS, flyman of the old school, has appeared on the verandah.]
JARVIS. [To THE RECTOR] Beg pardon, sir. Is the little dog all right?
MAUD. Yes.
JARVIS. [Touching his hat] Seein' you've missed your train, m'm, shall I wait, and take you 'ome again?
MAUD. No.
JARVIS. Cert'nly, m'm. [He touches his hat with a circular gesture, and is about to withdraw.]
LADY ELLA. Oh, Jarvis—what's the name of the people here?
JARVIS. Challenger's the name I've driven 'em in, my lady.
THE SQUIRE. Challenger? Sounds like a hound. What's he like?
JARVIS. [Scratching his head] Wears a soft 'at, sir.
THE SQUIRE. H'm! Ah!
JARVIS. Very nice gentleman, very nice lady. 'Elped me with my old mare when she 'ad the 'ighsteria last week—couldn't 'a' been kinder if they'd 'a' been angels from 'eaven. Wonderful fond o' dumb animals, the two of 'em. I don't pay no attention to gossip, meself.
MAUD. Gossip? What gossip?
JARVIS. [Backing] Did I make use of the word, m'm? You'll excuse me, I'm sure. There's always talk where there's newcomers. I takes people as I finds 'em.
THE RECTOR. Yes, yes, Jarvis—quite—quite right!
JARVIS. Yes, sir. I've—I've got a 'abit that way at my time o' life.
MAUD. [Sharply] How long have they been here, Jarvis?
JARVIS. Well—-er—a matter of three weeks, m'm.
[A slight involuntary stir.]
[A slight involuntary stir.]
[Apologetic] Of course, in my profession I can't afford to take notice of whether there's the trifle of a ring between 'em, as the sayin' is. 'Tisn't 'ardly my business like.
[A silence.]
[A silence.]
LADY ELLA. [Suddenly] Er—thank you, Jarvis; you needn't wait.
JARVIS. No, m'lady. Your service, sir—service, m'm.
[He goes. A silence.]
[He goes. A silence.]
THE SQUIRE. [Drawing a little closer] Three weeks? I say—er— wasn't there a book?
THE RECTOR. [Abstracted] Three weeks——I certainly haven't seen them in church.
MAUD. A trifle of a ring!
LADY ELLA. [Impulsively] Oh, bother! I'm sure she's all right. And if she isn't, I don't care. She's been much too splendid.
THE SQUIRE. Must think of the village. Didn't quite like the doctor's way of puttin' us off.
LADY ELLA. The poor darling owes his life to her.
THE SQUIRE. H'm! Dash it! Yes! Can't forget the way she ran into that stinkin' pond.
MAUD. Had she a wedding-ring on?
[They look at each other, but no one knows.]
[They look at each other, but no one knows.]
LADY ELLA. Well, I'm not going to be ungrateful.
THE SQUIRE. It'd be dashed awkward—mustn't take a false step, Ella.
THE RECTOR. And I've got his braces! [He puts his hand to his waist.]
MAUD. [Warningly] Bertie!
THE SQUIRE. That's all right, Rector—we're goin' to be perfectly polite, and—and—thank her, and all that.
LADY ELLA. We can see she's a good sort. What does it matter?
MAUD. My dear Ella! "What does it matter!" We've got to know.
THE RECTOR. We do want light.
THE SQUIRE. I'll ring the bell. [He rings.]
[They look at each other aghast.]
[They look at each other aghast.]
LADY ELLA. What did you ring for, Tommy?
THE SQUIRE. [Flabbergasted] God knows!
MAUD. Somebody'll come.
THE SQUIRE. Rector—you—you've got to——
MAUD. Yes, Bertie.
THE RECTOR. Dear me! But—er—what—er——How?
THE SQUIRE. [Deeply-to himself] The whole thing's damn delicate.
[The door right is opened and a MAID appears. She is a determined-looking female. They face her in silence.]
[The door right is opened and a MAID appears. She is a determined-looking female. They face her in silence.]
THE RECTOR. Er—er——your master is not in?
THE MAID. No. 'E's gone up to London.
THE RECTOR. Er——Mr Challenger, I think?
THE MAID. Yes.
THE RECTOR. Yes! Er——quite so
THE MAID. [Eyeing them] D'you want—Mrs Challenger?
THE RECTOR. Ah! Not precisely——
THE SQUIRE. [To him in a low, determined voice] Go on.
THE RECTOR. [Desperately] I asked because there was a—a—Mr. Challenger I used to know in the 'nineties, and I thought—you wouldn't happen to know how long they've been married? My friend marr——
THE MAID. Three weeks.
THE RECTOR. Quite so—quite so! I shall hope it will turn out to be——Er—thank you—Ha!
LADY ELLA. Our dog has been fighting with the Rector's, and Mrs Challenger rescued him; she's bathing his ear. We're waiting to thank her. You needn't——
THE MAID. [Eyeing them] No.
[She turns and goes out.]
[She turns and goes out.]
THE SQUIRE. Phew! What a gorgon! I say, Rector, did you really know a Challenger in the 'nineties?
THE RECTOR. [Wiping his brow] No.
THE SQUIRE. Ha! Jolly good!
LADY ELLA. Well, you see!—it's all right.
THE RECTOR. Yes, indeed. A great relief!
LADY ELLA. [Moving to the door] I must go in now.
THE SQUIRE. Hold on! You goin' to ask 'em to—to—anything?
LADY ELLA. Yes.
MAUD. I shouldn't.
LADY ELLA. Why not? We all like the look of her.
THE RECTOR. I think we should punish ourselves for entertaining that uncharitable thought.
LADY ELLA. Yes. It's horrible not having the courage to take people as they are.
THE SQUIRE. As they are? H'm! How can you till you know?
LADY ELLA. Trust our instincts, of course.
THE SQUIRE. And supposing she'd turned out not married—eh!
LADY ELLA! She'd still be herself, wouldn't she?
MAUD. Ella!
THE SQUIRE. H'm! Don't know about that.
LADY ELLA. Of course she would, Tommy.
THE RECTOR. [His hand stealing to his waist] Well! It's a great weight off my——!
LADY ELLA. There's the poor darling snuffling. I must go in.
[She knocks on the door. It is opened, and EDWARD comes out briskly, with a neat little white pointed ear-cap on one ear.]
[She knocks on the door. It is opened, and EDWARD comes out briskly, with a neat little white pointed ear-cap on one ear.]
LADY ELLA. Precious!
[SHE HERSELF Comes out, now properly dressed in flax-blue linen.]
[SHE HERSELF Comes out, now properly dressed in flax-blue linen.]
LADY ELLA. How perfectly sweet of you to make him that!
SHE. He's such a dear. And the other poor dog?
MAUD. Quite safe, thanks to your strop.
[HANNIBAL appears at the window, with the broken strop dangling. Following her gaze, they turn and see him.]
[HANNIBAL appears at the window, with the broken strop dangling. Following her gaze, they turn and see him.]
MAUD. Oh! There, he's broken it. Bertie!
SHE. Let me! [She seizes HANNIBAL.]
THE SQUIRE. We're really most tremendously obliged to you. Afraid we've been an awful nuisance.
SHE. Not a bit. I love dogs.
THE SQUIRE. Hope to make the acquaintance of Mr——of your husband.
LADY ELLA. [To EDWARD, who is straining]
[Gently, darling! Tommy, take him.] [THE SQUIRE does so.]
[Gently, darling! Tommy, take him.] [THE SQUIRE does so.]
MAUD. [Approaching HANNIBAL.] Is he behaving?
[She stops short, and her face suddenly shoots forward at HER hands that are holding HANNIBAL'S neck.]
[She stops short, and her face suddenly shoots forward at HER hands that are holding HANNIBAL'S neck.]
SHE. Oh! yes—he's a love.
MAUD. [Regaining her upright position, and pursing her lips; in a peculiar voice] Bertie, take Hannibal.
THE RECTOR takes him.
LADY ELLA. [Producing a card] I can't be too grateful for all you've done for my poor darling. This is where we live. Do come— and see——
[MAUD, whose eyes have never left those hands, tweaks LADY ELLA's dress.]
[MAUD, whose eyes have never left those hands, tweaks LADY ELLA's dress.]
LADY ELLA. That is—I'm—I——
[HERSELF looks at LADY ELLA in surprise.]
[HERSELF looks at LADY ELLA in surprise.]
THE SQUIRE. I don't know if your husband shoots, but if——
[MAUD, catching his eye, taps the third finger of her left hand.]
[MAUD, catching his eye, taps the third finger of her left hand.]
—er—he—does—er—er——
[HERSELF looks at THE SQUIRE surprised.]
[HERSELF looks at THE SQUIRE surprised.]
MAUD. [Turning to her husband, repeats the gesture with the low and simple word] Look!
THE RECTOR. [With round eyes, severely] Hannibal! [He lifts him bodily and carries him away.]
MAUD. Don't squeeze him, Bertie!
[She follows through the French window.]
[She follows through the French window.]
THE SQUIRE. [Abruptly—of the unoffending EDWARD] That dog'll be forgettin' himself in a minute.
[He picks up EDWARD and takes him out.] [LADY ELLA is left staring.]
[He picks up EDWARD and takes him out.] [LADY ELLA is left staring.]
LADY ELLA. [At last] You mustn't think, I——You mustn't think, we ——Oh! I must just see they—don't let Edward get at Hannibal.
[She skims away.] [HERSELF is left staring after LADY ELLA, in surprise.]
[She skims away.] [HERSELF is left staring after LADY ELLA, in surprise.]
SHE. What is the matter with them?
[The door is opened.]
[The door is opened.]
THE MAID. [Entering and holding out a wedding-ring—severely] You left this, m'm, in the bathroom.
SHE. [Looking, startled, at her finger] Oh! [Taking it] I hadn't missed it. Thank you, Martha.
[THE MAID goes.] [A hand, slipping in at the casement window, softly lays a pair of braces on the windowsill. SHE looks at the braces, then at the ring. HER lip curls.]
[THE MAID goes.] [A hand, slipping in at the casement window, softly lays a pair of braces on the windowsill. SHE looks at the braces, then at the ring. HER lip curls.]
Sue. [Murmuring deeply] Ah!
CURTAIN
CURTAIN