1.A certain dignity of manners is absolutely necessary, to make even the most-valuable character either respected or respectable in the world.
Horse-play, romping, frequent and loud fits of laughter, jokes, waggery, and indiscriminate familiarity, will sink both merit and knowledge into a degree of contempt. They compose at most a merry fellow, and a merry fellow was never yet a respectable man. Indiscriminate familiarity either offends your superiors, or else dubs you their dependent and led captain. It gives your inferiors just, but troublesome and improper claims to equality. A joker is near a-kin to a buffoon; and neither of them is the least related to wit.
2.Mimicry, the favorite amusement of little minds, has been ever the contempt of great ones. Never give way to it yourself, nor ever encourage it in others; it is the most illiberal of all buffoonery; it is an insult on the person you mimic; and insults, I have often told you, are seldom forgiven.
As to a mimic or a wag, he is little else than a buffoon, who will distort his mouth and his eyes to make people laugh. Be assured, no one person ever demeaned himself to please the rest, unless he wished to be thought the Merry-Andrew of the company, and whether this character is respectable, I will leave you to judge.
3.If a man's company is coveted on any other account than his knowledge, his good sense, or his manners, he is seldom respected by those who invite him, but made use of only to entertain—"Let's have such a one, for he sings a good song, for he is always joking or laughing;" or, "let's send for such a one, for he is a good bottle companion;" these are degrading distinctions, that preclude all respect and esteem. Whoever ishad(as the phrase is) for the sake of any qualification, singly, is merely that thing he ishadfor, is never considered in any other light, and, of course, never properly respected, let his intrinsic merits be what they will.
4.You may possibly suppose this dignity of manners to border upon pride; but it differs as much from pride, as true courage from blustering.
To flatter a person right or wrong, is abject flattery, and to consent readily to every thing proposed by a company, be it silly or criminal, is full as degrading, as to dispute warmly upon every subject, and to contradict, upon all occasions. To preserve dignity, we should modestly assert our own sentiments, though we politely acquiesce in those of others.
So again, to support dignity of character, we should neither be frivolously curious about trifles, nor be laboriously intent on little objects that deserve not a moment's attention; for this implies an incapacity in matters of greater importance.
A great deal likewise depends upon our air, address, and expressions; an aukward address and vulgar expressions, infer either a low turn of mind, or a low education.
5.Insolent contempt, or low envy, is incompatible also with dignity of manners. Low-bred persons, fortunately lifted in the world, in fine clothes and fine equipages, will insolently look down on all those who cannot afford to make as good an appearance; and they openly envy those who perhaps make a better. They also dread the being slighted; of course are suspicious and captious; are uneasy themselves, and make every body else so about them.
6.A certain degree of outward seriousness in looks and actions, gives dignity, while a constant smirk upon the face (with that insipid silly smile fools have when they would be civil) and whiffling motions, are strong marks of futility.
But above all, a dignity of character is to be acquired best by a certain firmness in all our actions. A mean, timid, and passive complaisance, lets a man down more than he is aware of: but still his firmness or resolution should not extend to brutality, but be accompanied with a peculiar and engaging softness, or mildness.
7.If you discover any hastiness in your temper, and find it apt to break out into rough and unguarded expressions, watch it narrowly, and endeavour to curb it; but let no complaisance, no weak desire of pleasing, no weedling, urge you to do that which discretion forbids; but persist and persevere in all that is right. In your connections and friendships, you will find this rule of use to you. Invite and preserve attachments by your firmness; but labour to keep clear of enemies by a mildness of behaviour. Disarm those enemies you may unfortunately have (and few are without them) by a gentleness of manner, but make them feel the steadiness of your just resentment; for there is a wide difference between bearing malice and a determined self-defence; the one is imperious, but the other is prudent and justifiable.
8.In directing your servants, or any person you have a right to command, if you deliver your orders mildly and in that engaging manner which every gentleman should study to do, you will be cheerfully, and, consequently, well obeyed: but if tyrannically, you would be very unwillingly served, if served at all. A cool, steady determination should shew that youwillbe obeyed, but a gentleness in the manner of enforcing that obedience should make service a cheerful one. Thus will you be loved without being despised, and feared without being hated.
9.I hope I need not mention vices. A man who has patiently been kicked out of company, may have as good a pretence to courage, as one rendered infamous by his vices, may to dignity of any kind; however, of such consequence are appearances, that an outward decency, and an affected dignity of manners, will even keep such a man the longer from sinking. If, therefore, you should unfortunately have no intrinsic merit of your own, keep up, if possible, the appearance of it; and the world will possibly give you credit for the rest. A versatility of manner is as necessary in social life, as a versatility of parts in political. This is no way blameable, if not used with an ill design. We must, like the cameleon, then, put on the hue of the persons we wish to be well with; and it surely can never be blameable, to endeavour to gain the good will or affection of any one, if, when obtained, we do not mean to abuse it.
1.Jack Lizard was about fifteen when he was first entered in the university, and being a youth of a great deal of fire, and a more than ordinary application to his studies; it gave his conversation a very particular turn. He had too much spirit to hold his tongue in company; but at the same time so little acquaintance with the world, that he did not know how to talk like other people.
2.After a year and a half's stay at the university, he came down among us to pass away a month or two in the country. The first night after his arrival, as we were at supper, we were all of us very much improved byJack'stable-talk. He told us, upon the appearance of a dish of wild-fowl, that according to the opinion of some natural philosophers, they might be lately come from the moon.
3.Upon which theSparklerbursting out into a laugh, he insulted her with several questions, relating to the bigness and distance of the moon and stars; and after every interrogatory would be winking upon me, and smiling at his sister's ignorance.Jackgained his point; for the mother was pleased, and all the servants stared at the learning of their young master.Jackwas so encouraged at this success, that for the first week he dealt wholly in paradoxes. It was a common jest with him to pinch one of his sister's lap-dogs, and afterwards prove he could not feel it.
4.When the girls were sorting a set of knots, he would demonstrate to them that all the ribbons were of the same colour; or rather, saysJack, of no colour at all. My LadyLizardherself, though she was not a little pleased with her son's improvements, was one day almost angry with him; for, having accidentally burnt her fingers as she was lighting her lamp for her tea-pot, in the midst of her anguish,Jacklaid hold of the opportunity to instruct her that there was no such thing as heat in fire. In short, no day passed over our heads, in whichJackdid not imagine he made the whole family wiser than they were before.
5.That part of his conversation which gave me the most pain, was what passed among those country gentlemen that came to visit us. On such occasionsJackusually took upon him to be the mouth of the company; and thinking himself obliged to be very merry, would entertain us with a great many odd sayings and absurdities of their college cook. I found this fellow had made a very strong impression uponJack'simagination, which he never considered was not the case of the rest of the company, till after many repeated trials he found that his stories seldom any body laugh but himself.
6.I all this while looked uponJackas a young tree shooting out into blossoms before its time; the redundancy of which, though it was a little unseasonably, seemed to foretell an uncommon fruitfulness.
In order to wear out the vein of pedantry, which ran through his conversation, I took him out with me one evening, and first of all insinuated to him this rule, which I had myself learned from a very great author, "To think with the wise, but talk with the vulgar,"Jack's, good sense soon made him reflect that he had exposed himself to the laughter of the ignorant by a contrary behaviour; upon which he told me, that he would take care for the future to keep his notions to himself, and converse in the common received sentiments of mankind.
7.He at the same time desired me to give him any other rules of conversation, which I thought might he for his improvement. I told him I would think of it; and accordingly, as I have a particular affection for the young man, I gave him the next morning the following rules in writing, which may, perhaps, have contributed to make him the agreeable man he now is.
8.The faculty of interchanging our thoughts with one another, or what we express by the word conversation, has always been represented by moral writers, as one of the noblest privileges of reason, and which more particularly sets mankind above the brute part of the creation.
Though nothing so much gains upon the affections as this extempore eloquence, which we have constantly occasion for, and are obliged to practice every day, we very rarely meet with any who excel in it.
9.The conversation of most men is disagreeable, not so much for want of wit and learning, as of good-breeding and discretion.
It is not in every man's power, perhaps, to have fine parts, say witty things, or tell a story agreeably; but every man may be polite if he pleases, at least to a certain degree. Politeness has infinitely more power to make us esteemed, and our company sought after, than the most extraordinary parts or attainments we can be master of. These seldom fail to create envy, and envy has always some ill will in it.
10.If you resolve to please never speak to gratify any particular vanity or passion of your own, but always with a design either to divert or inform the company. A man who only aims at one of these, is always easy in his discourse. He is never out of humour at being interrupted, because he considers that those who hear him are the best judges whether what he was saying would either divert or inform him.
A modest person seldom fails to gain the good will of those he converses with, because nobody envies a man who does not appear to be pleased with himself.
11.We should talk extremely little of ourselves. Indeed what can we say? It would be as imprudent to discover faults, as ridiculous to count over our fancied virtues. Our private and domestic affairs are no less improper to be introduced in conversation. What does it concern the company how many horses you keep in your stables? or whether your servant is most knave or fool?
12.A man may equally affront the company he is in, by engrossing all the talk, or observing a contemptuous silence.
Conform yourself to the taste, character, and present humours of the persons you converse with; not but a person must follow his talent in conversation. Do not force nature; no one ever did it with success.
If you have not a talent for humour, or raillery, or story-telling, never attempt them.
13.Contain yourself also within the bounds of what you know; and never talk of things you are ignorant of, unless it be with a view to inform yourself. A person cannot fail in the observance of this rule, without making himself ridiculous; and yet how often do we see it transgressed! Some, who on war or politics could talk very well, will be perpetually haranguing on works of genius and the belles letters; others who are capable of reasoning, and would make a figure in grave discourse, will yet constantly aim at humour and pleasantry, though with the worst grace imaginable. Hence it is, that we see a man of merit sometimes appear like a coxcomb, and hear a man of genius talk like a fool.
14.Before you tell a story, it may be generally not amiss to draw a short character, and give the company a true idea of the principal persons concerned in it; the beauty of most things consisting not so much in their being said or done, as in their being said or done by such a particular person; or on such a particular occasion.
15.Notwithstanding all the advantages of youth, few young people please in conversation: the reason is, that want of experience makes them positive, and what they say, is rather with a design to please themselves, than any one else.
It is certain that age itself shall make many things pass well enough, which would have been laughed at in the mouth of one much younger.
16.Nothing, however, is more insupportable to men of sense, than an empty formal man who speaks in proverbs, and decides all controversies with a short sentence. This piece of stupidity is the more insufferable, as it puts on the air of wisdom.
Great talents for conversation requires to be accompanied with great politeness. He who eclipses others, owes them great civilities; and whatever a mistaken vanity may tell us, it is better to please in conversation, than to shine in it.
17.A prudent man will avoid talking much of any particular science, for which he is remarkably famous. There is not, methinks, an handsomer thing said of Mr.Cowleyin his whole life, than, that none but his intimate friends ever discovered he was a great poet by his discourse. Besides the decency of this rule, it is certainly founded in good policy. A man who talks of any thing he is already famous for, has little to get, but a great deal to lose.
18.I might add, that he who is sometimes silent on a subject, where everyone is satisfied he would speak well, will often be thought no less knowing in any other matters where, perhaps, he is wholly ignorant.
Women are frightened at the name of argument, and are sooner convinced by an happy turn, or, witty expression, than by demonstration.
19.Whenever you commend, add your reasons for so doing; it is this which distinguishes the approbation of a man of sense, from the flattery of sycophants, and admiration of fools.
Raillery is no longer agreeable, than while the whole company is pleased with it. I would least of all be understood to except the person raillied.
20.Though good-humour, sense, and discretion, can seldom fail to make a man agreeable, it may be no ill policy sometimes to prepare yourself in a particular manner for conversation, by looking a little farther than your neighbours into whatever is become a reigning subject. If our armies are besieging a place of importance abroad, or our House of Commons debating a bill of consequence at home, you can hardly fail of being heard with pleasure, if you have nicely informed yourself of the strength, situation and history of the first, or of the reasons for and against the latter.
21.It will have the same effect if, when any single person begins to make a noise in the world, you can learn some of the smallest accidents in his life or conversation, which, though they are too fine for the observation of the vulgar, give more satisfaction to men of sense, (as they are the best openings to a real character) than the recital of his most glaring actions. I know but one ill consequence to be feared from this method, namely, that coming full charged into company, you should resolve to unload, whether an handsome opportunity offers itself or no.
22.The liberal arts, though they may possibly have less effect on our external mein and behaviour, make so deep an impression on the mind, as is very apt to bend it wholly one way.
The mathematician will take little less than demonstration in the most common discourse; and the schoolman is as great a friend to definitions and syllogisms. The physician and divine are often heard to dictate in private companies with the same authority which they exercise over their patients and disciples; while the lawyer is putting cases, and raising matter for disputation, out of every thing that occurs.
23.Though the asking of questions may plead for itself the spacious name of modesty, and a desire of information, it affords little pleasure to the rest of the company, who are not troubled with the same doubts; besides which, he who asks a question would do well to consider that he lies wholly at the mercy of another before he receives an answer.
24.Nothing is more silly than the pleasure some people take in what they call speaking their minds. A man of this make will say a rude thing for the mere pleasure of saying, it, when an opposite behaviour, full as, innocent, might have preserved his friend, or made his fortune.
It is not impossible for a man to form to himself as exquisite a pleasure in complying with the humour and sentiments of others, as of bringing others over to his own; since 'tis the certain sign of a superior genius, that can take and become whatever dress it pleases.
25.Avoid disputes as much as possible, in order to appear easy and well-bred, in conversation. You may assure yourself, that it requires more wit, as well as more good-humour, to improve than to contradict the notions of another; but if you are at any time obliged to enter on an argument, give your reasons with the inmost coolness and modesty, two things which scarce ever fail of making an impression on the hearers. Besides, if you are neither dogmatical, nor shew either by your actions or words, that you are full of yourself, all will the more heartily rejoice at your victory; nay, should, you be pinched in your argument, you may make your retreat with a very good graces you were never positive, and are now glad to be better informed.
26.This hath made some approve the socratical way of reasoning, where, while you scarce affirm any thing, you can hardly be caught in an absurdity; and though possibly you are endeavouring to bring over another to your opinion, which is firmly fixed, you seem only to desire information from him.
27.In order to keep that temper, which is so difficult and yet so necessary to preserve, you may please to consider, that nothing can be more unjust or ridiculous, than to be angry with another because he is not of your opinion. The interests, education, and means, by which men attain their knowledge, are so very different, that it is impossible they should all think alike; and he has at least us much reason to be angry with you, as you with him.
28.Sometimes to keep yourself cool, it may be of service to ask yourself fairly, what might have been your opinion, had you all the biases of education and interest your adversary may possibly have? But if you contend for the honour of victory alone, you may lay down this as an infallible maxim, That you cannot make a more false step, or give your antagonists a greater advantage over you, than by falling into a passion.
29.When an argument is over, how many weighty reasons does a man recollect, which his heat and violence made him utterly forget?
It is yet more absurd to be angry with a man, because he does not apprehend the force of your reasons, or give weak ones of his own. If you argue for reputation, this makes your victory the easier; he is certainly in all respects an object of your pity, rather than anger; and if he cannot comprehend what you do, you ought to thank nature for her favours, who has given you so much the clearer understanding.
30.You may please to add this consideration, that among your equals no one values your anger, which only preys upon its master; and perhaps you may find it not very consistent, either with prudence or your ease, to punish yourself whenever you meet with a fool or a knave.
31.Lastly, if you propose to yourself the true end of argument, which is information, it may be a seasonable check to your passion; for if you search purely after truth, it will be almost indifferent to you where you find it. I cannot in this place omit an observation which I have often made, namely, that nothing procures a man more esteem and less envy from the whole company, than if he chooses the part of moderator, without engaging directly on either side in a dispute.
32.This gives him the character of impartial, furnishes him an opportunity of sifting things to the bottom, shewing his judgment, and of sometimes making handsome compliments to each of the contending parties.
When you have gained a victory, do not push it too far; it is sufficient to let the company and your adversary see it is in your power, but that you are too generous to make use of it.
33.I shall only add, that besides what I have here said, there is something which can never be learnt but in the company of the polite. The virtues of men are catching as well as their vices, and your own observations added to these, will soon discover what it is that commands attention in one man, and makes you tired and displeased with the discourse of another.
34.Having now given you full and sufficient instructions for making you well received in the best of companies; nothing remains but that I lay before you some few rules for your conduct in such company. Many things on this subject I have mentioned before; but some few matters remain to be mentioned now.
Talk, then, frequently, but not long together, lest you tire the persons you are speaking to; for few persons talk so well upon a subject, as to keep up the attention of their hearers for any length of time.
35.Avoid telling stories in company, unless they are very short indeed, and very applicable to the subject you are upon; in this case relate them in as few words as possible, without the least digression, and with some apology; as, that you hate the telling of stories, but the shortness of it induced you. And if your story has any wit in it, be particularly careful not to laugh at it yourself. Nothing is more tiresome and disagreeable than a long tedious narrative; it betrays a gossiping disposition, and great want of imagination; and nothing is more ridiculous than to express an approbation of your own story by a laugh.
36.In relating any thing, keep clear of repetitions, or very hackneyed expressions, such as,says he, orsays she. Some people will use these so often, as to take off the hearers' attention from the story; as in an organ out of tune, one pipe shall perhaps sound the whole time we are playing, and confuse the piece so as not to be understood.
37.Digressions, likewise, should be guarded against. A story is always more agreeable without them. Of this kind are, "the gentleman I am telling you of, is the son of Sir Thomas ——, who lives in Harley-street;—you must know him—his brother had a horse that won the sweepstakes at the last Newmarket meeting.—Zounds! if you don't know him you know nothing." Or, "He was an upright tall old gentleman, who wore his own long hair; don't you recollect him?"—All this is unnecessary, is very tiresome and provoking, and would he an excuse for a man's behaviour, if he was to leave us in the midst of our narrative.
38.Some people have a trick of holding the persons they are speaking to by the button, or the hands in order to be heard out; conscious, I suppose, that their tale is tiresome. Pray, never do this; if the person you speak to is not as willing to hear your story as you are to tell it, you had much better break off in the middle: for if you tire them once, they will be afraid to listen to you a second time.
39.Others have a way of punching the person they are talking to in the side, and at the end of every sentence, asking him some questions as the following—"Wasn't I right in that?"—"You know, I told you so."—"What's your opinion?" and the like; or, perhaps, they will be thrusting him, or jogging him with their elbow. For mercy's sake, never give way to this: it will make your company dreaded.
40.Long talkers are frequently apt to single out some unfortunate man present; generally the most silent one of the company, or probably him who sits next them. To this man, in a kind of half whisper, they will run on for half an hour together. Nothing can be more ill-bred. But, if one of these unmerciful talkers should attack you, if you wish to oblige him, I would recommend the hearing with patience: seem to do so at least, for you could not hurt him more than to leave him in the middle of his story, or discover any impatience in the course of it.
41.Incessant talkers are very disagreeable companions. Nothing can be more rude than to engross the conversation to yourself, or to take the words, as it were, out of another man's mouth. Every man in company has an equal claim to bear his part in the conversation, and to deprive him of it, is not only unjust, but a tacit declaration that he cannot speak so well upon the subject as yourself: you will therefore take it up. And, what can be more rude? I would as soon forgive a man that should stop my mouth when I was gaping, as take my words as it were, me while I was speaking them. Now, if this be unpardonable.
42.It cannot be less so to help out or forestall the slow speaker, as if you alone were rich in expressions, and he were poor. You may take it for granted, every one is vain enough to think he can talk well, though he may modestly deny it; helping a person out, therefore, in his expressions, is a correction that will stamp the corrector with impudence and ill-manners.
43.Those who contradict others upon all occasions, and make every assertion a matter of dispute, betray by this behaviour an unacquaintance with good-breeding. He, therefore, who wishes to appear amiable, with those he converses with, will be cautious of such expressions as these, "That can't be true, sir." "The affair is as I say." "That must be false, sir." "If what you say is true, &c." You may as well tell a man he lies at once, as thus indirectly impeach his veracity. It is equally as rude to be proving every trifling assertion with a bet or a wager—"I'll bet you fifty of it," and so on. Make it then a constant rule, in matters of no great importance, complaisantly to submit your opinion to that of others; for a victory of this kind often costs a man the loss of a friend.
44.Giving advice unasked, is another piece of rudeness: it is, in effect, declaring ourselves wiser than those to whom we give it; reproaching them with ignorance and inexperience. It is a freedom that ought not to be taken with any common acquaintance, and yet there are these who will be offended, if their advice is not taken. "Such-a-one," say they, "is above being advised. He scorns to listen to my advice;" as if it were not a mark of greater arrogance to expect every one to submit to their opinion, than for a man sometimes to follow his own.
45.There is nothing so unpardonably rude, as a seeming inattention to the person who is speaking to you; tho' you may meet with it in others, by all means avoid it yourself. Some ill-bred people, while others are speaking to them, will, instead of looking at or attending to them, perhaps fix their eyes on the ceiling, or some picture in the room, look out of the window, play with a dog, their watch-chain, or their cane, or probably pick their nails or their noses. Nothing betrays a more trifling mind than this; nor can any thing be a greater affront to the person speaking; it being a tacit declaration, that what he is saying is not worth your attention. Consider with yourself how you would like such treatment, and, I am persuaded, you will never shew it to others.
46.Surliness or moroseness is incompatible also with politeness. Such as, should any one say "he was desired to present Mr. such-a-one's respects to you," to reply, "What the devil have I to do with his respects?"—"My Lord enquired after you lately, and asked how you did," to answer, "if he wishes to know, let him come and feel my pulse," and the like. A good deal of this often is affected; but whether affected or natural, it is always offensive. A man of this stamp will occasionally be laughed at as an oddity; but in the end will be despised.
47.I should suppose it unnecessary to advise you to adapt your conversation to the company you are in. You would not surely start the same subject, and discourse of it in the same manner, with the old and with the young, with an officer, a clergyman, a philosopher, and a woman? no; your good sense will undoubtedly teach you to be serious with the serious, gay with the gay, and to trifle with the triflers.
48.There are certain expressions which are exceedingly rude, and yet there are people of liberal education that sometimes use them; as, "You don't understand me, sir." "Is it not so?" "You mistake." "You know nothing of the matter," &c. Is it not better to say, "I believe I do not express myself so as to be understood." "Let us consider it again, whether we take it right or not." It is much more polite and amiable to make some excuse for another, even in cases where he might justly be blamed, and to represent the mistake as common to both, rather than charge him with insensibility or incomprehension.
49.If any one should have promised you any thing, and not have fulfilled that promise, it would be very impolite to tell him he has forfeited his word; or if the same person should have disappointed you, upon any occasion, would it not be better to say, "You were probably so much engaged, that you forgot my affair;" or, "perhaps it slipped your memory;" rather than, "you thought no more about it:" or, "you pay very little regard to your word." For expressions of this kind leave a sting behind them—They are a kind of provocation and affront, and very often bring on lasting quarrels.
50.Be careful not to appear dark and mysterious, lest you should be thought suspicious; than which, there cannot be a more unamiable character. If you appear mysterious and reserved, others will be truly so with you: and in this case, there is an end to improvement, for you will gather no information. Be reserved, but never seem so.
51.There is a fault extremely common with some people, which I would have you avoid. When their opinion is asked upon any subject, they will give it with so apparent a diffidence and timidity, that one cannot, without the utmost pain, listen to them; especially if they are known to be men of universal knowledge. "Your Lordship will pardon me," says one of this stamp, "if I should not be able to speak to the case in hand, so well as it might be wished."—"I'll venture to speak of this matter to the best of my poor abilities and dullness of apprehension."—"I fear I shall expose myself, but in obedience to your Lordship's commands,"—and while they are making these apologies, they interrupt the business and tire the company.
52.Always look people in the face when you speak to them, otherwise you will be thought conscious of some guilt; besides, you lose the opportunity of reading their countenances; from which you will much better learn the impression your discourse makes upon them, than you can possibly do from their words; for words are at the will of every one, but the countenance is frequently involuntary.
53.If, in speaking to a person, you are not heard, and should be desired to repeat what you said, do not raise your voice in the repetition, lest you should be thought angry, on being obliged to repeat what you had said before; it was probably owing to the hearer's inattention.
54.One word only, as to swearing. Those who addict themselves to it, and interlard their discourse with oaths, can never be considered as gentlemen; they are generally people of low education, and are unwelcome in what is called good company. It is a vice that has no temptation to plead, but is, in every respect, as vulgar as it is wicked.
55.Never accustom yourself to scandal, nor listen to it; for though it may gratify the malevolence of some people, nine times out of ten it is attended with great disadvantages. The very person you tell it to, will, on reflection, entertain a mean opinion of you, and it will often bring you into a very disagreeable situation. And as there would be no evil-speakers, if there were no evil-hearers; it is in scandal as in robbery; the receiver is as bad as the thief. Besides, it will lead people to shun your company, supposing that you would speak ill of them to the next acquaintance you meet.
56.Carefully avoid talking either of your own or other people's domestic concerns. By doing the one you will be thought vain; by entering into the other, you will be considered as officious. Talking of yourself is an impertinence to the company; your affairs are nothing to them; besides, they cannot be kept too secret. And as to the affairs of others, what are they to you? In talking of matters that no way concern you, you are liable to commit blunders, and, should you touch any one in a sore part, you may possibly lose his esteem. Let your conversation, then, in mixed companies, always be general.
57.Jokes,bon-mots, or the little pleasantries of one company, will not often bear to be told in another; they are frequently local, and take their rise from certain circumstances; a second company may not be acquainted with these circumstances, and of course your story may not be understood, or want explaining; and if, after you have prefaced it with, "I will tell you a good thing," the sting should not be immediately perceived, you will appear exceedingly ridiculous, and wish you had not told it. Never, then, repeat in one place what you hear in another.
58.In most debates, take up the favourable side of the question; however, let me caution you against being clamorous; that is, never maintain an argument with heat though you know yourself right; but offer your sentiments modestly and coolly; and, if this does not prevail, give it up, and try to change the subject, by saying something to this effect, "I find we shall hardly convince one another, neither is there any necessity to attempt it; so let us talk of something else."
59.Not that I would have you give up your opinion always; no, assert your own sentiments, and oppose those of others when wrong, but let your manner and voice be gentle and engaging, and yet no ways affected. If you contradict, do it with,I may be wrong, but—I won't be positive, but I really think—I should rather suppose—If I may be permitted to say—and close your dispute with good humour, to shew you are neither displeased yourself, nor meant to displease the person you dispute with.
60.Acquaint yourself with the character and situation of the company you go into, before you give a loose to your tongue; for should you enlarge on some virtue, which anyone present may notoriously want: or should you condemn some vices which any of the company may be particularly addicted to, they will he apt to think your reflections pointed and personal, and you will be sure to give offence. This consideration will naturally lead you, not to suppose things said in general to be levelled at you.
61.Low-bred people, when they happen occasionally to be in good company, imagine themselves to be the subject of every separate conversation. If any part of the company whispers, it is about them; if they laugh, it is at them; and if any thing is said, which they do not comprehend, they immediately suppose it is meant of them.—This mistake is admirably ridiculed in one of our celebrated comedies, "I am sure, says Scrub,they were talking of me, for they laughed consumedly."
62.Now, a well-bred person never thinks himself disesteemed by the company, or laughed at, unless their reflections are so gross, that he cannot be supposed to mistake them, and his honour obliges him to resent it in a proper manner; however, be assured, gentlemen never laugh at or ridicule one another, unless they are in joke, or on a footing of the greatest intimacy. If such a thing should happen once in an age, from some pert coxcomb, or some flippant woman, it is better not to seem to know it, than to make the least reply.
63.It is a piece of politeness not to interrupt a person in a story, whether you have heard it before or not. Nay, if a well-bred man is asked whether he has heard it, he will answer no, and let the person go on, though he knows it already. Some are fond of telling a story, because they think they tell it well; others pride themselves in being the first teller of it, and others are pleased at being thought entrusted with it. Now, all these persons you would disappoint by answering yes; and, as I have told you before, as the greatest proof of politeness is to make every body happy about you, I would never deprive a person of any secret satisfaction of this sort, when I could gratify by a minute's attention.
64.Be not ashamed of asking questions, if such questions lead to information: always accompany them with some excuse, and you will never be reckoned impertinent. But, abrupt questions, without some apology, by all means avoid, as they imply design. There is a way of fishing for facts, which, if done judiciously, will answer every purpose, such as taking things you wish to know for granted: this will, perhaps, lead some officious person to set you right. So again, by saying, you have heard so and so, and sometimes seeming to know more than you do, you will often get an information, which you would lose by direct questions, as these would put people upon their guard, and frequently defeat the very end you aim at.
65.Make it a rule never to reflect on any body of people, for by this means you will create a number of enemies. There are good and bad of all professions, lawyers, soldiers, parsons or citizens. They are all men, subject to the same passions, differing only in their manner according to the way they have been bred up in. For this reason, it is unjust, as well as indiscreet, to attack them as acorpscollectively. Many a young man has thought himself extremely clever in abusing the clergy. What are the clergy more than other men? Can you suppose a black gown can make any alteration in his nature? Fie, fie, think seriously, and I am convinced you will never do it.
66.But above all, let no example, no fashion, no witticism, no foolish desire of rising above what knaves call prejudices, tempt you to excuse, extenuate or ridicule the least breach of morality, but upon every occasion shew the greatest abhorrence of such proceedings, and hold virtue and religion in the highest veneration.
It is a great piece of ill-manners to interrupt any one while speaking, by speaking yourself, or calling off the attention of the company to any foreign matter. But this every child knows.
67.The last thing I shall mention, is that of concealing your learning, except on particular occasions. Reserve this for learned men, and let them rather extort it from you, than you be too willing to display it. Hence you will be thought modest, and to have more knowledge than you really have. Never seem more wise or learned than the company you are in. He who affects to shew his learning, will be frequently questioned; and if found superficial, will be sneered at; if otherwise, he will be deemed a pedant. Real merit will always shew itself, and nothing can lessen it in the opinion of the world, but a man's exhibiting it himself.
For God's sake, revolve all these things seriously in your mind, before you go abroad into life. Recollect the observations you have yourself occasionally made upon men and things; compare them with my instructions, and act wisely and consequentially, as they shall teach you.
1.Curino was a young man brought up to a reputable trade; the term of his apprenticeship was almost expired, and he was contriving how he might venture into the world with safety, and pursue business with innocence and success.
2.Among his near kindred, Serenus was one, a gentleman of considerable character in the sacred profession; and after he had consulted with his father, who was a merchant of great esteem and experience, he also thought fit to seek a word of advice from the divine.
3.Serenus had such a respect for his young kinsman, that he set his thought at work on this subject, and with some tender expressions, which melted the youth into tears, he put into his hand a paper of his best counsels. Curino entered upon business, pursued his employment with uncommon advantage, and, under the blessing of Heaven, advanced himself to a considerable estate.
4.He lived with honour in the world, and gave a lustre to the religion which he professed; and after a long life of piety and usefulness, he died with a sacred composure of soul, under the influences of the Christian hope.
5.Some of his neighbours wondered at his felicity in this world, joined with so much innocence, and such severe virtue; but after his death this paper was found in his closet, which was drawn up by his kinsman in holy orders, and was supposed to have a large share in procuring his happiness.
1.I presume you desire to be happy here and hereafter; you know there are a thousand difficulties which attend this pursuit; some of them perhaps you foresee, but there are multitudes which you could never think of. Never trust therefore to your own understanding in the things of this world, where you can have the advice of a wise and faithful friend; nor dare venture the more important concerns of your soul, and your eternal interests in the world to come, upon the mere light of nature, and the dictates of your own reason; since the word of God, and the advice of Heaven, lies in your hands. Vain and thoughtless indeed are those children of pride, who chuse to turn heathens in America; who live upon the mere religion of nature and their own stock, when they have been trained up among all these superior advantages of Christianity, and the blessings of divine revelation and grace!
2.Whatsoever your circumstances may be in this world, still value your bible as your best treasure; and whatsoever be your employment here, still look upon religion as your best business. Your bible contains eternal life in it, and all the riches of the upper world; and religion is the only way to become the possessor of them.
3.To direct your carriage towards God, converse particularly with the book of Psalms; David was a man of sincere and eminent devotion. To behave aright among men, acquaint yourself with the whole book of Proverbs: Solomon was a man of large experience and wisdom. And to perfect your directions in both these, read the Gospels and Epistles; you will find the best of rules and the best of examples there, and those more immediately suited to the Christian life.
4.As a man, maintain strict temperance and sobriety, by a wise government of your appetites and passions; as a neighbour, influence and engage all around you to be your friends, by a temper and carriage made up of prudence and goodness; and let the poor have a certain share in all your yearly profits; as a trader, keep that golden sentence of our Saviour's ever before you. Whatsoever you "would that men should do unto you, do you also unto them."
5.While you make the precepts of scripture the constant rule of your duty, you may with courage rest upon the promises of scripture as the springs of your encouragement; all divine assistances and divine recompenses are contained in them. The spirit of light and grace is promised to assist them that ask it. Heaven and glory are promised to reward the faithful and the obedient.
6.In every affair of life, begin with God; consult him in every thing that concerns you; view him as the author of all your blessings, and all your hopes, as your best friend, and your eternal portion. Meditate on him in this view, with a continual renewal of your trust in him, and a daily surrender of yourself to him, till you feel that you love him most entirely, that you serve him with sincere delight, and that you cannot live a day without God in the world.
7.You know yourself to be a man, an indigent creature and a sinner, and you profess to be a Christian, a disciple of the blessed Jesus, but never think you know Christ or yourself as you ought till you find a daily need of him for righteousness and strength, for pardon and sanctification; and let him be your constant introducer to the great God, though he sits upon a throne of grace. Remember his own words,Johnxiv 6. "No man cometh to the father but by me."
8.Make prayer a pleasure, and not a task, and then you will not forget nor omit it. If ever you have lived in a praying family, never let it be your fault if you do not live in one always. Believe that day, that hour, or those minutes to be wasted and lost, which any worldly pretences would tempt you to save out of the public worship of the church, the certain and constant duties of the closet, or any necessary services for God and godliness; beware lest a blast attend it, and not a blessing. If God had not reserved one day in seven to himself, I fear religion would have been lost out of the world; and every day of the week is exposed to a curse which has no morning religion.
9.See that you watch and labour, as well as pray; diligence and dependence must he united in the practice of every Christian. It is the same wise man acquaints us, that the hand of the diligent, and the blessing of the Lord, join together to make us rich,Prov. x. 4. 22. Rich in the treasures of body or mind, of time or eternity.
It is your duty indeed, under a sense of your own weakness, to pray daily against sin; but if you would effectually avoid it, you must also avoid temptation, and every dangerous opportunity. Set a double guard wheresoever you feel or suspect an enemy at hand. The world without, and the heart within, have so much flattery and deceit in them, that we must keep a sharp eye upon both, lest we are trapt into mischief between them.
10.Honour, profit, and pleasure, have been sometimes called the world's Trinity; they are its three chief idols; each of them is sufficient to draw a soul off from God, and ruin it for ever. Beware of them, therefore, and of all their subtle insinuations, if you would be innocent or happy.
Remember that the honour which comes from God, the approbation of Heaven, and your own conscience, are infinitely more valuable than all the esteem or applause of men. Dare not venture one step out of the road of Heaven, for fear of being laughed at for walking strictly in it, it is a poor religion that cannot stand against a jest.
Sell not your hopes of heavenly treasures, nor any thing that belongs to your eternal interest, for any of the advantages of the present life; "What shall it profit a man to gain the world and lose his own soul."
Remember also the words of the wise man, "He that loveth pleasure shall be a poor man;" he that indulges himself in "wine and oil," that is, in drinking, in feasting, and in sensual gratifications, "shall not be rich." It is one of St. Paul's characters of a most degenerate age, when "men become lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God." And that "fleshly lusts war against the soul," is St. Peter's caveat to the Christians of his time.
11.Preserve your conscience always soft and sensible; if but one sin force its way into that tender part of the soul, and dwell easy there, the road is paved for a thousand; iniquities.
And take heed that under any scruple, doubt, or temptation whatsoever, you never let any reasonings satisfy your conscience, which will not be a sufficient answer of apology to the great Judge at the last day.
12.Keep this thought ever in your mind. It is a world of vanity and vexation in which you live; the flatteries and promises of it are vain and deceitful; prepare, therefore, to meet disappointments. Many of its occurrences are teazing and vexatious. In every ruffling storm without, possess your spirit in patience, and let all be calm and serene within. Clouds and tempests are only found in the lower skies; the heavens above are ever bright and clear. Let your heart and hope dwell much in these serene regions; live as a stranger here on earth, but as a citizen of heaven, if you will maintain a soul at ease.
13.Since in many things we offend all, and there is not a day passes which is perfectly free from sin, let "repentance towards God, and faith in our Lord Jesus Christ," be your daily work. A frequent renewal of these exercises which make a Christian at first, will be a constant evidence of your sincere Christianity, and give you peace in life, and hope in death.
14.Ever carry about with you such a sense of the uncertainty of every thing in this life, and of life itself, as to put nothing off till to-morrow, which you can conveniently do to-day. Dilatory persons are frequently exposed to surprise and hurry in every thing that belongs to them; the time is come, and they are unprepared. Let the concerns of your soul and your shop, your trade and your religion, lie always in such order, as far as possible, that death, at a short warning, may be no occasion of a disquieting tumult in your spirit, and that you may escape the anguish of a bitter repentance in a dying hour. Farewel.
Phronimus, a considerable East-land merchant, happened upon a copy of these advices, about the time when he permitted his son to commence a partnership with him in his trade; he transcribed them with his own hand, and made a present of them to the youth, together with the articles of partnership. Here, young man, said he, is a paper of more worth than these articles. Read it over once a month, till it is wrought in your very soul and temper. Walk by these rules, and I can trust my estate in your hands. Copy out these counsels in your life, and you will make me and yourself easy and happy.