Chapter XIII.
Mrs Nutts.I don’t wonder we’re poor, Mr Nutts; sitting there reading the news when you should be minding your bus’ness and your family.
Nutts.Bless the woman!
Mrs Nutts.Yes; bless the man!—but that does no good, one way or the other.
Nutts.Can’t I have a bit of quiet news to myself afore the customers come in?
Mrs Nutts.Not with your razors in the state they are. ’Twould be another thing if you was stropped as you ought to be. And I must tell you this——
Nutts.And I must tell you, Mrs Nutts, that I won’t have you here in the shop. ’Tisn’t your place.
Mrs Nutts.Don’t you think it? All the yearsI’ve been married to you, I’ve been kept in the background—and you know it, Nutts. Very well, as I said afore, Tommy’s weaned, and now I shall come for’ard and enjoy myself. Women, as I said to Mrs Biggleswade over the way—women have been kept too long under, a good deal too long. But it is my intention now, Nutts—and I give you fair warnin’—to jine the movement.
Nutts.I wish you’d lead it and get out of this. (Mrs Nutts determinedly drops in a chair.) Well, you are the most aggravating thing as ever wore petticoats; you are——(Slowgoe,Peabody,Nosebag,&c., drop in.) Mrs Nutts, my darling, where’s the hot water?
Mrs Nutts.On the fire, and minding its business. Biling, as it ought to do, Mr Nutts.
Slowgoe.I’m first, Nutts; but I’m in no hurry. I haven’t heard a bit of news this week: feel quite starving. (Takes paper—sits.) Well, I’ve often thought what Rob’son Crusoe did without a newspaper. To me, a paper’s meat and drink, and a blanket to sleep in. Ha! so I see the Duke of Borducks——
Peabody.Beg your pardon—Bordeaux.
Slowgoe.I know; but it’s Borducks in English. He’s got a wife at last. The Duke of Modena’s sister—aged thirty—with four millions of money!
Mrs Nutts.Poor thing! I hope she’s settledevery penny on it on herself, else a nice life she’ll have of it.
Nutts.Four millions of money, and got safe to thirty with it! ’Twouldn’t have happened had she been in England! She’d had a swarm o’ Irish barristers stopping her on the king’s highway, every one with his heart and weddin’-ring. Four millions! Why, sweethearts would have swarmed round her like flies round a sugar-cask.
Mrs Nutts.A very pretty comparison, Mr Nutts, for a husband and a father.
Nosebag.Well, I don’t know; but to think of a woman with sich a mountain o’ gold—it seems unnat’ral.
Nutts.Quite awful to think of! Besides, quite impossible, too, that any man could love her.
Mrs Nutts.And I should like to know why not?
Nutts.The money, Mrs Nutts, the money; it must distract his attention. No man’s heart can be big enough to hold four millions o’ money and a wife at the same time.
Mrs Nutts.Just like you, Nutts. But I know what you’d have done if you’d have been a dook. Yes;you’dhave had room enough in your heart for all the money; and as for the poor ’oman, she might have taken her chance and have stayed outside.
All.Ha! ha! ha!
Mrs Nutts.I see nothing to laugh at. And it’s enough to make a woman’s flesh creep to hear you men.
Tickle.No offence, Mrs Nutts; but the fact is, women have no bus’ness with sich a lot o’ money. ’Tisn’t giving us men a fair chance. Woman, as I’ve always said, is fascinatin’ enough without a penny—always has the odds of us, if she hasn’t a farden; but when jined to everything else, she comes among us with millions o’ money—why, it isn’t fair love-making; no, it’s nothing short of manslaughter.
Slowgoe.HowdidLouis Philippe overlook her? Why, the Infanta hasn’t got above a fourth of the sum—only a million.
Mrs Nutts.Poor little thing! And nicely that brute her father-in-law will snub her for it now, I daresay. A wife, and only fourteen too! Well, if she’d been my daughter—but I’ll say nothing. Only as a married woman Iwillsay this, she’s begun her troubles early enough.
Nutts.Well, who knows?—she may the sooner get through ’em.
Mrs Nutts.Nutts—but I won’t tell youwhatyou are, now.
Slowgoe.Lord Normandy, I see, as ’Bassador for England, didn’t pay his public compliments to thehappy pair; and the Funds, I see, went down because.
Nosebag.Why, no; but his Lordship went afterwards in private and took tea and muffins with ’em, and upon that the Funds riz like a rocket.
Peabody.TheTimessays that Louis Philippe has retained Lord Brougham to plead his cause in the House of Lords. M. Guizot, they say, has loaded him with all the papers—rammed him down like a piece of brass ordnance with all sorts of wadding—and, there’s no doubt of it, he’ll go off with a considerable bang.
Tickle.No doubt on it; and just as sailors do when they board—get the better of their lordships in the smoke. Wonder what fee Lewis Philip’s to give Brougham for the job? for, being a lawyer, he can’t work for nothing.
Peabody.Why, they do say it’s to be made up to his Lordship somehow in his arms. He’s to be allowed to quarter every boar he kills at Cannes, and put him upon his coach panels; and further, he and his heirs for ever and ever are to be permitted to land anywhere in France, and not to have their pockets rummaged inside out by customhouse officers. It’s further said that Lord Brougham intends to plead the King of the French’s cause in French, that his Lordship mayseem to be as little of an Englishman in the matter as possible.
Slowgoe.(With paper.) Well, I hope I’m a lover of the institutions of my country—but I think this is pulling the rope a little too tight. I always stand up for the Church, and always will, like any steeple; but—I’m sorry to own it—but, as a great man has said afore me, this is too bad.
Nosebag.What’s the matter? Anybody been sticking posters agin St Paul’s? As a billsticker, I must say I’ve often looked with an eye of envy at Queen Anne—often wished to stick her.
Slowgoe.Here’s a letter from theTimes; from a gentleman whose wife and party was asked sixpence at St Paul’s on Lord Mayor’s Day, because “she was told when once in, they might see the Lord Mayor’s show there, when it came back in three or four hours.”
Nutts.Well, Mother Church is now and then a good ’un at a bargain, for certain. Nice ways that to turn a penny with the men in armour—nice way of showing a mayor and a mayor’s coach-horses at threepence a peep.
Limpy.Well, it’s just struck me that if Mr Taylor of the Surrey ’Logical Gardens don’t mind what he’s at, the nobs of St Paul’s will next summer get quite the better on him.
Slowgoe.I can’t see that. I don’t defend StPaul’s in the matter of the show, but I don’t see how that venerable building is to be opposed to the lions and tigers at feedin’-time.
Limpy.In this way, I mean. At the ’Logical Gardens, you know, there is always a “grand display of fireworks.” Very well. Admittance one shilling. Very well. Now if the folks of St Paul’s took it into their heads, couldn’t they admit the public to the top of the church, where they might have a comfortable view of the ’ruption and the rockets, all at half-price?—for a little sixpence?
Slowgoe.Humph! I don’t think they’d do that.
Tickle.Well, I don’t know; when they make a peep-show of a mayor’s gold coach and liveries, I wouldn’t trust ’em with Wesuvius. Sorry am I to say it; sorry am I to believe that any church could so forget itself as to think of making a penny by fireworks.
Mrs Nutts.Don’t talk in that wicked way, Mr Tickle; but you’ve learnt it all from my husband. And—sorry am I to say it, but though I’m his wife, he’s no more religion than a tombstone; for, however near he may be to a church, he’s not a bit the better for it.
Nutts.(Solemnly.) Mrs Nutts, it is one of the few grievances of the marriage state, that a womanmay take away her husband’s character, and the poor man have no remedy for it.
Tickle.None: unless he pays himself heavy damages out of his own pocket.
Nosebag.And goes with ’em—which he always may do—to the public-house.
Mrs Nutts.Oh, you needn’t teach him that. But I was going to ask, Mr Slowgoe, is it true that they’re going to take the dear Dook down again from the Park arch?
Tickle.Why, they do say he’s received warning. All I know is he’s beginning to look very black about something.
Mrs Nutts.Well, I don’t know—I was saying so to Mrs Biggleswade over the way—but after all that had been said, he looked very nice and comfortable. To be sure the horse does look a little more concerned about the battle than the Dook himself; but Mrs Biggleswade assures me that that’s quite as the thing happened, all according to ’istory. But why—I want to know, after all the fuss of lugging him up—why is he coming down agin?
Nosebag.Why, theDaily Noosesays that the Queen has done it all. Her Majesty, having a taste, and knowing how a gentleman ought to look on horseback, won’t have the Dook nohow.
Slowgoe.That’s one story; but I think theother much more likely. And that is, that it’s aginst the Queen’s perrogative, and contrary to her state and dignity, to have any subject perched upon so high a place that her carriage must drive right under him. And now I think of it—for it never struck me before—there is a sort of a petty treason in it. Good thing Sir Frederick Trench didn’t live in Queen Elizabeth’s time.Sheknew how to use her royal perrogative; she’d have had his head off to a certain.
Tickle.Suppose she had. What would she have made o’ that? Why, nothin’.
Mrs Nutts.But the poor soul and his horse must go somewhere! What’s to become of him, can any good Christian tell?
Nutts.Very like a traveller gone astray, and wanting good entertainment for man and beast.
Tickle.Well, I have heard, if nothing better can be done with it, that it’s to be taken somewhere to the sea-coast, and made a sort of lighthouse of.
Mrs Nutts.A lighthouse of! A lighthouse! How?
Tickle.Why, by fitting up a revolving light inside the statue’s head, to warn ships from sands and rocks.
Slowgoe.And after all, I, for one, should have no objection to it. After all, ’twould be a verypretty compliment to the aristocracy o’ the land. (Rising from his chair.) For are they not the lights and beacons that in time of danger——
Nutts.Come, none o’ that nonsense in this place. We’re none of us Lord Georges here.
Slowgoe.Mr Nutts, I have once, remember—onceleft your shop.
Nutts.Well, I never care to balk a customer, not I; so you may take it even numbers if you like.
Mrs Nutts.Don’t mind him, Mr Slowgoe; he’s a man as hates all authority. Talks, too, about the perlitical principles! All very well and very fine for bachelors, but I should very much like to know what men with wives and families have to do with principles at all—eh, Mr Peabody? You who’ve been a schoolmaster can answer that, I should think.
Peabody.Very true, Mrs Nutts; for the great Lord Bacon—you have heard of him—eh, Mrs Nutts?
Mrs Nutts.No doubt on it; but I can’t bring him to mind just now.
Peabody.The great Lord Bacon was accustomed over his wine to say, that the man who had a wife and children had given hostages to fortune.
Mrs Nutts.And just like a good many of ’em. There’s Nutts there, for all his fine perlitical principles,I’ve often told him—and Lord Bacon makes it true—that he wouldn’t mind giving his wife and children to anybody, sohewasn’t troubled with ’em. Only he’s not likely to give them tofortune, as the lord tells of—not he, indeed; more like to force his poor wife to another Union; well, it can’t be worse than the first.