THE RETORT COURTEOUS
Her name was Patty. She was as black as a tar baby, as oleaginous as a cotton oil mill and—like Captain Merrimac in Olivette—as broad in the beam and as square in the rig as a Dutch brig, when she appeared before a tidewater trial justice as the prosecuting witnessin rethe State of South Carolinavs.Cudjo Manigo, charged with malicious mischief.
Taking the stand, she put her head on one side and complacently smiled until the corners of her mouth—evidently designed for the wholesale trade—approached dangerously near her ears. Twisting his amber imperial, his Honor began:
Q. “What’s your full name?”
A. “Mis’ Wineglass, suh.”
Q. “Where’s your residence?”
A. “’E yent come teday, suh.”
Q. “I mean where do you live?”
A. “Yaas, suh. I lib on Mass Kit FitzSimmun’ plantesshun, w’ich’n ’e jis’ done buy’um de Chuesday een week befo’las’ mek six munt’ done gone, en’ I glad ’e buy’um, too, bekasew’y jis’ ez soon ez ’e buy’um ’e run dat las’ husbun’ w’ich I marry een Augus’ off de place, w’ich’n me en’ dat nigguh nebbuh could ’gree, ’cause, een de fus’ place, ’e too lub fuh lick ’e lady; en’, een de two place, ’e too oncommun lazy en’ no’count, en’, een de t’ree place, ’e fus’ wife en’ me nebbuh could git ’long, en’, een de fo’ place, him is a class-leaduh een de Baptis’ chu’ch, en’ eb’rybody know berry well dat wehreas class-leaduh mek a berry po’ kind’uh husbun’ fuh ’e own wife, en’—”
His Honor—“That will do. What is your charge against the defendant?”
A. “Bredduh Cudjo, suh?”
Q. “Yes. What’s your charge?”
A. “I nebbuh chaa’g’um nutt’n’, suh.”
Q. “Well, what did Cudjo do?”
A. “B’Cudjo is a berry nomannus nigguh, suh. Him is de class-leaduh een my chu’ch, en w’en eeduhso de preachuh on de sukkus, elsehow de locus preechuh, onable to filfill de pulpit, den B’Cudjo does hol’ saa’bis een de chu’ch, en’ w’en B’Cudjo done resplain de Lawd’ wu’d, ’e berry lub fuh talk sweetmout’ talk to all ’e freemale sistuh een de chu’ch, en’ eb’ry time ’e meet me een de road ’e baig me fuh kiss’um, en’ I yent wantuh kiss no shishuh oagly, twis’mout’ nigguh lukkuh B’Cudjo, en’ I tell’um so, en’ den ’e does cuss at me berry nomannusubble, en’ de las’ time I meet’um een de paat’, ’e quizzit me berry rappit, en’ I tell’um ‘go’way, B’Cudjo, bekasew’y I ent wantuh yeddy no shishuh cumposhashun’, en’ yet B’Cudjo keep on peruse ’long de paat’, en’ ’e keep on ax’me shish squeschun, en’ fus’ t’ing I know ’e cuss me a berry bad cuss.”
Q. “What did he curse you?”
A. “’E tell me dat my mout’ does wide same lukkuh Ashley ribbuh!”
Q. “What else?”
A. “Dat all ’e had chance fuh tell me, ’cause I tell’um, ‘Haa’k’ee at me good fashi’n, B’Cudjo, ’fo’ de Lawd, ef my mout’isstan’ lukkuh Ashley ribbuh,you cyan’ paddle yo’ boat cross’um’, en’ den ’e git bex en’ knock me wid ’e hoe handle, en’ dat w’yso I fetch’um yuh.”
At this stage of the proceedings, the Toogoodoo trial justice adjourned court to measure the Ashley River.