CHAPTER XII: CHRISTMAS
When I asked Ruth what about Christmas, she said that it was always a pleasant season and she hoped none of us would break down; it meant so much to do for all. So of course I asked whether it would be any help to have in Mrs. Muff to wash up while Ruth made the puddings. She agreed that would probably be the best plan, as it would be a pity if we were not able to enjoy ourselves when it came to the point. She herself was usually at her wits’ end about Christmas-time.
“But you love that, Ruth!” I said candidly, forgetting myself for the moment.
“I beg pardon, m’m?”
“It is your wits’ beginning that bothers you, isn’t it?” I explained. “I mean” (seeing her face darken) “it is a nuisance thinking of things, I know, I feel it myself. We shall be able to give our minds to it if Mrs. Muff is here.”
I then passed hastily on to other things: the puddings, for instance, which took complete possession of my kitchen for a time. I do not think they became as personal to Ruth as to me. For my taste they were made too much of; they and the mince-pies crowded out the place and I was thankful to get rid of them. Long before Christmas I looked forward to the day when they all would be dead—“Arthur, Henry, Claud, Stanley, Gordon, Livingstone, Howard, Percy, George, Gerald, Trafford, and Herbert,” I counted along the shelf, “and all the little Thompsons. Arthur and Henry we shall want for ourselves and the kitchen on Christmas Day, you might give Claud to Mrs. Muff, and let Mullins have Stanley. Gordon and Livingstone are smaller and will do for New Year’s Day, so that leaves six to kill before Easter——” I caught sight of Ruth’s face, pale and agitated. “I am so sorry,” I apologised. “You know they seem almost like children, we have taken such an interest in them.”
“Would you care for a cup of tea, m’m?” Ruth asked anxiously.
“By and by,” I said. “I don’t really care very much for food just now. What about the turkey?”
“Well, m’m,” said Ruth, “a good-sized one that would stuff nicely ought to do us over Boxing Day, with a bit of beef, and there will be all the sausages.”
I already began to feel fat and over-fed; what with Claud and the others, and my enemy the beef with all his sausages, besides the stuffing, all arriving to lunch on the same day. It was like a lot of fat people driving over for tea and to spend the afternoon; a thing I have always detested.
“Ruth,” I pleaded, “you don’t think we might tell the tradespeople that of course one makes allowances at Christmas when every one is busy, so I should not be too exacting if one or two things—the sausages for instance—never came?”
“Oh, no, m’m,” she said proudly, “they’d never disappoint us at Christmas!”
“Ruth, I have hit upon a profound truth!” I exclaimed. “There is nothing the matter with sin in itself. The only thing that makes the Devil a bad man is that he misbehaves at the wrong time and in the wrong place. Think of the praiseworthy murders that might be committed on the right people, the thefts of horrible objects from the home that would reform humanity; arson if committed on the right kind of shops——” Ruth was running the taps for the washing-up and did not hear a word I said, so I left her and went upstairs to elaborate my theory of sin and write to Mrs. Muff. I allowed Ruth to arrange what food she liked during the next few days, as the kitchen was uninhabitable. They were giving the place a good clean down, she said. The open door disclosed Mrs. Muff singing hymns on a cork island in the middle of a flood, and an army of evicted beetles trying to settle their families into new quarters before Christmas, while Ruth and the range (clasped in one another’sarms, like the victims of Pompeii) breathed mutual forgiveness in a volcanic darkness of dust and ashes. I went out and met the efficient female coming back from town.
“I suppose you have done all your Christmas shopping?” she observed. “I always like to get mine done before the rush begins.”
“I am waiting for the London catalogues,” I said. “It is such a good way to shop.”
She told, as she had done before, how far more satisfactory it is to shop in person. “They put you off with anything if you leave it to them,” etc. I pointed out that with things like soap, and scent, and foie gras, and postage stamps, which are what I generally give people, there is not a wide field for the discretion of the shopman. She was so genuinely grieved at my idea of presents, and I know that she is such a good woman, understanding the public taste, and so on (besides, the catalogues had not come), that I thought it might be fun to try her way and see what it was like.
I turned into the principal street wherethe windows were full of suggestions: “Christmas novelties,” “Serviceable Xmas presents,” “What about the boys? Boots’ marvellous cash sponge always in request.” I bought some things marked “three-eleven-three,” and thought I was doing very well to secure them, as there were only a few. A little farther down the street I saw a great many more of the same things, only they were marked “one-eleven-three,” and looked in better condition. I went home and rearranged my list of people so as to use up some of the inferior “three-eleven-threes.” “I will take away Cousin Jemima’s soup-bowl,” I thought, “and give her one of the spare three-eleven-threes, then Pauline can have the soup-bowl and I will give her pencil-case to Jimmy Duncan, because his mother has taken me out so often.”
Next day I came upon a shop in a back street—it was in the Chinese quarter of the town. There were the most beautiful blue and yellow fruit plates and dishes, enough to make a thousand homes happy. They wereso pretty that I danced with rage upon the pavement. I bought all I wanted and rearranged my list for the third time. It was getting dreadfully expensive. Cousin Jemima’s “three-eleven-three” had left her now, and she had been reduced to a pin-cushion at ninepence-halfpenny. Pauline’s soup-bowl was exchanged for a set of fruit-dishes which were much nicer, and then I remembered that she wanted one of my new photographs. I had ordered a dozen and they must be disposed of. I went home and rearranged my list again, which left me with two glass powder-boxes over.
When James came in and said, “Have you thought at all about Christmas presents?” I could scarcely answer coherently. He asked whether I could spare him any, and I told him that there were two powder-boxes he could have with pleasure. But that was no good, as none of his relations use powder. It was early-closing day, so we could not get anything else. He told me he had six boxes of cigarettes that I might have for my peopleif I could let him have something more suitable for his grandmother and the vicar’s children, so I gave him Pauline’s children’s sweets, and Cousin Jemima’s pin-cushion, and some of the Chinese dishes, and began all over again. This time there were three powder-boxes left, and my godson and James’s uncle were unprovided for. (James’s uncle was in a nursing home, so it was particularly important that he should have a cheery Christmas.) I suggested that we should tell him I was sending a photograph, but that James had spilt ink on it and I had ordered another specially, which would come in a few days. Meantime we were sending a powder-box to each of his nurses. “He will have a much gayer time like that than with ordinary presents,” I added hopefully. Clara came in then and said that Mullins had finished putting up the holly, and was there any message.
“I believe that the orthodox Christmas message is Peace and Goodwill,” I said. “Tell Mullins that I wish him peace and shall be glad of some myself.” Clara withdrewwith the message, but came back to say that Mullins wished us both the compliments of the season, and was there anything else? I had only two halfpennies left, so I told Clara to tell him that if he were as wise as he pretended to be it was his part to bring gold at Christmas, not to ask for it, but that there was a small bottle of myrrh in the bathroom——However, James said I was not to be silly, so we borrowed a message from Ruth and promised to pay her back in the morning if she would get rid of Mullins. And then we did up our parcels, all but the powder-boxes. It was too late when I remembered that I might have given one to Mullins; he could have made himself look quite freshened up for Christmas with it.
There was an extraordinary demand for messages next day; even the lamplighter and the dustman longed to hear what I had to say. Some of them even sent books in which to record the messages, and that did it. “Mr. Jones’s book—and is there any message, please?”
I forgot what I had said to Ruth about forgiving Mr. Jones if he omitted to bring the sausages and the stuffing. His record for the past year was blacker than any recording angel would have put up with. I tore James’s fountain-pen from his pocket and wrote:
“When Jones’s villain asks to-dayA Christmas message, thou shalt say,‘Here is a shilling in my name.’Unfortunately it never came!”
“When Jones’s villain asks to-dayA Christmas message, thou shalt say,‘Here is a shilling in my name.’Unfortunately it never came!”
“When Jones’s villain asks to-dayA Christmas message, thou shalt say,‘Here is a shilling in my name.’Unfortunately it never came!”
“When Jones’s villain asks to-day
A Christmas message, thou shalt say,
‘Here is a shilling in my name.’
Unfortunately it never came!”
On Christmas Eve parcels began to arrive. Some were from people to whom, I remembered with a pang, nothing had been sent. The hopeless muddle of my scratched list had resulted in some names passing through my head without any definite settlement. But there was still time. “Come to the book-shop, quick!” I said to James.
We took a taxi and rattled to the book-shop; but there—as the most unreasoning person I know often says—“I lost my reason.”James gave it the first flick by saying three times, “Won’t they have read that?” I was so irritated over the whole thing that I said, unless he could manage to hurry up the Day of Judgment before to-morrow, I couldn’t possibly tell, after which he, very properly, refused to help me. The counter was full of books of a kind I never read, and detest to look at: but I suppose some one reads them or they would not be there. “Reminiscences of a Conchologist,” “Historic Moments with the Queens of Saxony” (this might be amusing, but it wasn’t, because public characters have a way of keeping their best historic moments out of the press), “Leaves from my Asparagus Bed,” by a lady gardener, “Ad Nauseam” (this was bound in mauve leather, cost eighteen pence and was of a suitable size for packing, but I knew I could not write a letter with it that would carry conviction). James was fidgeting about the shop all this time. “Do please find something for Caroline,” I said to him.
“Just wait till I get this for the vicar,” heanswered, hunting in his pocket. I asked what it was and he held it up.
“But you can’t have that!” I said, “I want it. It is the very thing for Caroline; and the vicar won’t read it. Here! this is much better for him.” I took up a book with a beautiful picture on the cover. A masked bishop digging up a corpse from the hearthstone, under the very nose of an expiring cook.
“The vicar is such a darling,” I said, “you must give him something nice. He loves excitement, and told me himself that the lending libraries are so stupid; they send him nothing but shop, and he does not know what to ask for.”
James gave in, and, as it turned out, made the success of the year with his present. Caroline wrote me the warmest letter of thanks for the book from which I had rescued the vicar. It was a serious, blue cloth work called “In Tune with the Indefinite.” She is a thoroughly bad woman, as worldly as Lot’s wife, and without a spark of generosityin her composition. She said she simply loved mysticism, and had been wanting this particular book ever since it came out.
I forgave Mr. Jones on Christmas Day and tried to think well of Mullins and the others. I also gave the boy half a crown on the second of January, explaining that I was sorry for the delay; there had been a slight mistake as to the time for which it was ordered. I hoped he would not be inconvenienced by receiving it in the following year instead.