By
Cecilia Lefingwell Prynne(Mrs. Gütz)
If, in passing a New-England farmhouse, you see a fine piece of old furniture through the open front doorway [which is not probable, as the front doors are seldom used], or if perchance you spy upon the veranda, or in the fairway beside the barn, some rare old bit of glass, a bow-backed pine Windsor chair, a tambo-door sideboard, or a hooked rug, or any other article you may wish to purchase, it will be well for you not to approach the subject directly, but in a somewhat roundabout manner, as the peasants of this section are [on account of bitter experience] extremely suspicious of strangers; and if they perceive that you wish to buyanything of them, they are likely to become instantly so fond of the object of your desire that they will decline to part with it; or they may get the notion that you are connected with the prohibition enforcement laws and are merely disguising your real interest in how hard their cider has turned. Therefore the editors have asked me to prepare a few model dialogues which may be found useful in this connection. The form of approach suggested can profitably be studied by the motorist collector.
Dialogue One
[Mr. B., a Chicago collector of hooked rugs, has observed a fine specimen hanging on a clothes-line beside a New Hampshire farmhouse. Mr. B. descends from his car and approaches the proprietor, who is sawing wood near the kitchen wing.]
Mr. B.: Good-morning. I stopped to inquire if you have a calf for sale.
Peasant: Did ye?
Mr. B.: I am willing to pay quite a good price for an original she-calf in fair condition.
Peasant: Be ye?
Mr. B.: I would pay $350 for a really excellent she-calf.
Peasant: Let’s see the money.
Mr. B.[displaying the sum mentioned]: Buthaveyou such a calf?
Peasant: Yes; but I wouldn’t never sell her under $355.
Mr. B.: Done with you at $355! Go fetch her. But stay;—I have nothing to wrap her in.
Peasant: What ye want to wrap her fer?
Mr. B.[laughing graciously]: It is customary in the city to wrap all purchased articles, and besides she might take cold. Let me see what you have to wrap this she-calf in. Ah! There is a worthless old hooked rug.Thatwill do to wrap my purchase in.
Peasant: Well, I don’t know. That there rug’s wuth somethin’. I’ll have to charge ye two dollars extry for the rug.
Mr. B.[restraining his excitement, handing the peasant $2.00 and removing the rug from the clothes-line]: Very well. I hereby purchase the rug; and upon second thoughts I find I have no definitely pressing need for a she-calf at this time. Good-morning and the best of luck to you!
OLD NEW ENGLAND PRINT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE AMERICAN ACADEMY FOR THE POPULARIZATION OF ANTIQUITIESFrom the collection of Miss Cora Kilgallen Brütche, of Appleby, Pa., two (and possibly three) of whose ancestors took part in the meeting.
OLD NEW ENGLAND PRINT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE AMERICAN ACADEMY FOR THE POPULARIZATION OF ANTIQUITIESFrom the collection of Miss Cora Kilgallen Brütche, of Appleby, Pa., two (and possibly three) of whose ancestors took part in the meeting.
OLD NEW ENGLAND PRINT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE AMERICAN ACADEMY FOR THE POPULARIZATION OF ANTIQUITIES
From the collection of Miss Cora Kilgallen Brütche, of Appleby, Pa., two (and possibly three) of whose ancestors took part in the meeting.
Dialogue II
Mrs. C.[wishing to buy for her salon in New York a fine old white pine fan-backed rocking-chair she has discovered upon a farmhouse veranda]: Can you tell me if there is a family of the name of Pibuddy living in this vicinity?
Peasant: No, I can’t.
Mrs. C.: Or Littlefield?
Peasant: Never heard of ’em.
Mrs. C.: Or Smith?
Peasant: They’s some Smiths up at Baxter’s Dam Corners. Them who ye lookin’ fer?
Mrs. C.: Yes. They are the very ones. I want to take them a cradle for their baby, as they are relatives of mine. Have you a cradle for sale?
Peasant: No, I ain’t.
Mrs. C.: Or any watermelons, perhaps?
Peasant: Don’t grow none.
Mrs. C.: I’msosorry. I haven’t seen these dear old cousins of mine forsolong; and Ididwant to take them some little thing to please them. I’d give as high as three or four dollars for a cradle or a watermelon.
Peasant: I don’t see no way to oblige ye.
Mrs. C.[affecting to discover the rocking-chair]: Oh, I know what we could do. My chauffeur is very ingenious. I could give you forty cents for that old chair and he can make a cradle out of it as we go along.
Peasant: That chair’s wuth more’n forty cents. It’s wuth a dollar if it’s wuth a penny!
Mrs. C.[handing the peasant a dollar]: Thank you! Please place it in my car. [Exit.]
Dialogue III
Miss D.[entering country general store because she has seen through the window a magnificent 1804 Seneca grate-burner stove with a fire-back showing the arms of Massachusetts which she wishes to add to her collection]: Have you by chance seen a lost Mexican hairless dog with one white forefoot, three brown, and a slight limp?
Storekeeper: Who?
Miss D.: I am looking for a lovely little dog without any hair and very susceptible to low temperatures.
Storekeeper: We don’t handle none.
Miss D.: He is lost, but I should fear to find himhere because your store is so chilly and he would lack warmth. I wonder you do not buy a new stove. Permit me to send you one.
Storekeeper: Who be ye?
Miss D.: I will give you my address. [Hands him her card.] I fear if my lost little hairless dog should wander in here he would find the air too cold. On that account I wish to offer you a modern stove in place of that fearful old thing yonder. When the new stove arrives, will you be so kind as to have this old one shipped to me, express charges collect, as a slight compensation for the trouble I am taking on account of my dear little dog’s health?
Storekeeper: If you send me a new stove, I’lldoit, by ’Ory!
Miss D.: That is all I wished to ascertain. Thanking you—[Exitlaughingly.]
Dialogue IV
[Professor K., the well-known historian, has heard that a Fisherman of Martha’s Vineyard owns a set of Venetian glass comfit boxes once the property of Henri Quatre. He enters the Fisherman’s shack.]
Prof. K.: Good-morning. I am interested in gettingyour opinion of a set of Whitman, bound in green cloth or morocco at your option. May I show you—
Fisherman: No, ye can’t. I don’t take no interest in politics.
Prof. K.: Then perhaps I could get your opinion of a line of haberdashery I carry. My own necktie, or scarf, if you prefer that term, is an example. Do you like it?
Fisherman: Can’t say as I don’t: can’t say as I do.
Prof. K.: It would become you better than it does me. Let me exchange it with you for some bait. I observe that you keep your clams for bait in those funny-looking little red glass boxes, yonder. I will give you my necktie for the clams, but I shall have to ask for the boxes also, since the nude clams would soil my pockets.
Fisherman: No. Them glass boxes was left to me by my grandmother and I wun’t throw ’em in with no clams.
Prof. K.: As you will. But how am I to carry the clams unless I have the boxes? Ah! I have it! I will borrow them of you and return them by a messenger from my hotel.
Fisherman: How do I know ye will?
Prof. K.: I will leave my hat, coat, and trousers as security. [He removes them as he speaks, and ties the scarf about the Fisherman’s throat.] There, look in the cheval glass and see how vastly it improves you. I will return the glass boxes by the messenger and you will kindly give him my clothes. Au revoir! [He takes the comfit boxes upon his back and instantly swims with them to the mainland.]†
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† It was by following these hints that the Rockfund collection ofpetiterieswas largely made. Collectors will do well to wear several suits of clothes.