THE ANIMALS.
The fifth—and, in some respects, or, as Mr. Balfour has put it, “in many ways,” the most important—meeting of the Cabinet Committee appointed to Inquire upon the Causes of our National Decline, and to suggest some Remedy Therefor, was held at Downing Street in the usual place: the little room on the first floor to the left of the door.
The window, sketches of which have already appeared in the illustrated papers, may be distinguished by the new and perfectly clean panes of glass replacing those broken during the recent alarm of Fire.
A large crowd began to assemble at two o’clock outside the premises wherein the tragedy was to take place, and it was with difficulty that a number of policemen in plain clothes, but shod in the regulation boots, kept a lane open through the anxious though good-natured populace.
Mr. Chamberlain was the first to arrive, accompanied by the Postmaster-General. They came on foot, faultlessly dressed and apparently in the highest good humour.
Shortly afterwards the Duke of Marlborough appeared in thelowest good humour; he was on horseback, and bore several very large volumes precariously under one arm. The crowd waited in vain for the other members of the Committee; they did not come.
Meanwhile it was explained to the Court within that the three members present constituted a quorum, and the sitting was opened by
Mr.Chamberlainrising and saying he would detain them but a very few moments. He pointed out that his opponents were perpetually harping sordidly upon the mere economic evils which might follow the introduction of Preferential Free Trade. To reply to these criticisms might have baffled a man of less determination; he could not ask volunteers to come forward and submit themselves to the test, and his—he supposed he must call him his honourable—friend had refused to lend the Boer Prisoners still (he was glad to say) in captivity. He had surmounted those difficulties. He would call a number of living animals upon whom the whole scheme, from the recent procedure in Parliament to the effect of cheap tobacco upon the stomach, had been tried. (To the Door-keeper.) Let loose the⸺
The proceedings were here interrupted by Counsel for the Cobden Club, who rose and said he had a “replevin et demurrer” to lay before the Court. He believed such action to be cognisable under the writ “de Hæretico Comburendo,” and submitted, in all respect, thatit was indictable by the Chartered Secretary of the S.P.C.F.C.H.H.[1]before the Justices in Eyre or in Chambers.
Mr.Chamberlain, holding in his hand a little slip of paper, spoke in his legal capacity as member of the Privy Council; still deciphering the said slip, he pointed out that the jurisdiction of the Courts Seizined was inferior to that of the Courts “En Plein” such as was this Court. He was sure of his facts. He would allow no interruption, contradiction, observation, Garrant in Warren or in Main, Bart, Blaspheme or Marraeny, under pain of contempt. He trusted his learned brother (turning to the Duke of Marlborough) would agree with him.
The Duke ofMarlborough, rising with his hands clasped behind his back, spoke in so low a tone that he could hardly be heard. He was understood to say that it was all right.
Mr.Austen Chamberlain, speakingDe Auctoritate Suâ, said they had heard the opinion of the greatest statesman and jurist in England, and also of one who, as one of the highest members of the Highest Court in the Realm—the House of Lords—was an unimpeachable authority.
The Court thus agreeing, Counsel for the Cobden Club was fined a hundred pounds for contempt, and the Inquiry proceeded.
The first witness to be called was aHorse.
As it was evidently impious to swear the animal, and impossible to take his affirmation with hand lifted over the head in the Agnostic style, he was allowed to pledge himself by proxy that he would do nothing for the sake of gain, prejudice, hate, love, favour, or worldly advantage.
TheTrainerthen explained that the horse would prove to demonstration that muzzling produced no ill effect upon living creatures.
Mr.Chamberlain: Have you tried the experiment upon Human Beings?
TheTrainer: No.
Mr.Chamberlain: Nowhat?
TheTrainer: No, your worship.
Mr.Chamberlain(sternly): That is better.... (Gently) You have not tried it upon Human Beings because you thought an experimentin corporis virowould suffice?
TheTrainer: ...? ...?
Mr.Chamberlain(testily): Do you hear me?
TheTrainer(sulkily): Yus!
Mr.Chamberlain(to the Court, and especially to the Press): The Horse, you will observe, is free. He can whinny, neigh, or bite at will. Observe!
(At this word a gentleman calledJamesran a pin into theWitness,who thereupon lashed out a violent kick against the wall.)
Mr.Chamberlain: He shall now be muzzled.
(A large leathern bag completely enveloping its head and mane was put over the witness, who thereupon shuffled uneasily, as though bewildered.)
Mr.Chamberlain: Now!
(Mr.Jamesagain touched up the witness with the pin. Instead of kicking, the witness danced in an agitated manner and went through various contortions.)
Mr.Chamberlain: I think no further proof is needed of the advantage—or at any rate the innoxiousness—of the muzzle or gag. I trust the experiment will put an end to those foolish complaints in Parliament and the Press which have recently caused the continent itself to sneer. Next!
The next witnesses called wereTwo Pigs.
The Counsel for the Cobden Club, at the risk of his fortune, rose to protest. His disclaim was not so much against the Pigs themselves (porcs de soi), for the Court had allowed them, and he (emphatically) was not there to contradict the superior wisdom of the Court. It was rather against the presence oftwowitnesses in the box at the same time. It was wholly opposed to the spirit of Our English Law.Latterly that spirit had been attacked in a hundred ways: Prisoners could speak for themselves, even solicitors—he was ashamed to say—could plead in inferior Courts, but two witnesses in the same box was more, he thought, than the temper that produced an Eldon and a Halsbury could stand. Let alone the relaxation of the moral bond (for how could these two witnesses feel in common the awful meaning of an individual oath?) let alone the moral bond....
Mr.Chamberlain(suddenly): You are making a speech!
The Counsel for the Cobden Club was then taken off to prison. The Inquiry proceeded.
TheWitnessessolemnly deposed by another’s mouth (as do infants in baptism) that they were born of one litter in the beautiful old-world village of....
Mr.Chamberlain: Go on! go on!
Witnesses, continuing, affirmed that they were reared in the same way to the age of six months. It was then determined to feed the one (Tom) in the Protectionist, the other (Bill) in the Free Trade spirit. All manner of food was stuffed into the latter at all hours; the former had a sparse meal once a week of honest English husks and bean-pods, with a little straw. Look at them now! “Kruger,” the free-trader pig, was so fat he could hardly walk. His life was a burden: he implored the release of death. “Roosevelt,” on the otherhand, was a frisky, amiable, and active pig, capable of the most amusing tricks, and a fit companion for the best wits of the age.
TheWitnessesthen stood down after receiving the thanks of the Court.
AFerret, twoDormice, and aCapercailziehaving been heard to little effect,
ABoa-Constrictorwas called to show that indirect taxation was capable of indefinite expansion, and aHippopotamusto satisfy the Court that a broad basis was synonymous with stability.
ATrained Lionwas sworn, and showed, in the most amusing manner, under the artificial stimulus of a trainer with a whip, how in old age, with his teeth drawn and his spirit thoroughly broken, even so dangerous a beast could be put to the most useful work: such as rolling a log, balancing a see-saw, ploughing the sand, wiping something off a slate, doing a little spade work, and even roaring at command more loudly than in youth. The Imperial Brute wasdressed in a large Union-Jack, and while it provided instruction afforded also entertainment to the company.
Many other witnesses, subpœnaed at enormous expense, carried conviction to all present, when Mr.Chamberlainordered to be introduced theElephant, presented by our Friend and Ally, the Maharajah of Gûm.
After some delay, during which the anxiety of the Court was terrible to behold, a Marabout arrived announcing that the Faithful Animal and Loyal Servant of the Empire had breathed its last that very hour in its Rooms at St. James’s! The Marabout, who elected to be sworn in the Hindoo manner, that is, formally and without prejudice, recounted with many sobs the last hours of the noble Pachyderm. It was chosen, he assured the Court, on account of its peculiar longevity; it beingassumed by His Highness the Maharajah (here witness bowed once to the Court, once to the Royal Arms, and once to nothing in particular) that an animal which had outlived the Empire of the Great Mogul would survive the protracted Inquiry upon the Fiscal Relations of the &c., &c. Alas! Providence had otherwise disposed!
In a chastened and humble mood, and dwelling upon the vanity of human affairs, the Court solemnly adjourned. The Duke of Marlborough was heard to murmur, in the words of Burke, “What shadows we are, and what shadows we pursue!” a phrase which Mr. Chamberlain immediately entered in his pocket-book under the heading “p. 273, pop. quota.; mem. Latin original?”