CHAP.III.
HowJohngot a terrible fright in his own house of Bull-hall.
It was not always without cause, that John Bull disliked the visits of Lewis Baboon; he knew what fine sport that rogue might have made for himself in such a house; and that besides cuckoldom, many other misfortunes might have befallen the landlord. But history, with all her gravity, will scarcely make posterity believe, how much John was afraid of his own sister Margaret’s garret lodgers. Once upon a time, two or three of them being seduced by some outlandishperson, who stiled himself youngMr.Geoffrey, got down stairs, ran into Margaret’s dining room and drawing-room, overset the china, drank the cream, and having found one of John’s game-keepers teaching the maids to coddle apples in the back-kitchen, gave him a slap in the chops, and poured the scalding water on him. From thence they proceeded as they thought proper; and though Margaret threw her poker at them as they passed, with an air of great bitterness and vexation, yet John took it in his head that it was all her doing, and sent her word to keep them at home, otherwise he would set fire to her house: but just as he was talking in this strain, and abusing his poor sister as a treacherous vixin, who might have kept betterorder in her house if she pleased, he was silenced at once with a knock on the pate; and without staying to see what was the matter, ran up to the leads, called out to his game-keepers, who were gone nobody knows where, then to Nicholas Frog, Rousterdivel, and all the damned names you can think of, to come to the assistance of John Bull, whose throat was just going to be cut in his own house.
Mean time,Mr.Luchar, for this was the ringleader in all this mischief, continued to do what he pleased. Whenever he met any of John’s fellows, he asked, What trade are you? And if they were weavers, he made them furnish what cloth he wanted; threateningto rip up their guts. In like manner, if they were brewers, tanners, cooks, scullions, or malsters, each in his way had something good forMr.Luchar, and the fellow had learned not to be afraid, although there were three hundred of them together.
This fray, however, did not last long;Mr.Luchar was tired, and went away home to his garret, and John, who had been more afraid than hurt, came down stairs, and when he saw that the foe was actually gone, called out to set fire to Peg’s house, to burn her, and all her vermin; for, says he, we shall never get any peace for them. Mean time, the game-keeper took heart at last, went up to the garret, and gaveMr.Luchar a stunning blow in the guts, just as he was stripping to go to bed, and dragged him down to the court, where John was in a little prevailed on to come and see the object of his terror, with his hands tied behind his back. Then, indeed, he began to be ashamed of his own behaviour, and abused all his people for letting him be so much afraid; he scolded the very scullions for letting the bacon be carried off by so paultry a fellow asMr.Luchar. In short, he and every body else threw the blame upon his neighbour, but all agreed in cursing and sinking sister Peg, to the deepest pit of hell.
It was hard to say what the poor woman had done to deserve all thistreatment; but some people set to work with her merely because it was the fashion, and others found their account in it, some in one way, some in another. As for the game-keeper, it was not very difficult to see his motive; he had never beat any body before in all his life, and wanted now to magnify his feats as much as he could, and accordingly said, that few people knew the amount of what he had done; that if he had not fought with sister Margaret’s people one and all, he was no true man; that he totally subdued them, and knew of nobody to compare himself to, but the ancient conquerors. That if any body said, that the whole of Margaret’s people was not against him, he was a scoundrel, and a rascal, and not to be trusted.
After this, who and who were to be trusted became the great question in John’s house. There was no pretending to any thing without being able to talk about trusting; and some people would scarcely let John Bull trust himself. As for poor Peg, he was the finest fellow that spoke the most ill of her. Even some of her own children who took care of nobody but themselves all the time thatMr.Luchar was stirring, came abroad now to confess with regret, that their mother was a sad vixin; that she had givenMr.Luchar a dram of cherry-brandy, before he set out upon that damned unnatural diabolical hell-fire scamper; that for their parts it was true, they had the misfortune to be born in her house, some people said of her ownproper person, but few people know who their real parents are: this, however, they knew, that they had left her very young, and never liked her company. When one had made such a speech as this, another endeavoured still to improve upon it; and if one gave his mother two, three, or more abusive epithets, the next did not fail to give five or six. At last one great dolt of a fellow, called Bumbo, made a shift to get a round dozen of them on his fingers ends, with which he never failed to entertain John Bull as often as he met him.
The sequel of all this spite to their mother, was a great deal of kindness to John Bull. Leave matters to us, said they, we shall take care that so worthy aman shall not be imposed upon; you should always have some of us about your own person, and give us some decent employment, that no body may suspect the design of our being here; we shall take care to place people in that unnatural sister’s house, so that not a whisper shall be uttered among her gossips, but you shall hear of it; and these speeches they commonly concluded, with abeware of counterfeits. John upon all this looked like a perfect oaff: he thoughtMr.Luchar’s knife was at his throat every moment; and these favourable dispositions they took care to improve. One time he was told that a cousin ofMr.Luchar’s had come in secretly at Peg’s garret window; at another time, thatMr.Luchar himselfhad bought a pair of new shoes; at another time, that his sister Margaret had laughed at him, when she heard that he went up to the leads; and all this, besides being asked regularly every morning, what would become of him, if he had not some trusty friends to stand between him and that unnatural sister. In short, John was put from his sleep, and his appetite; he stared and stammered in his speech; you could not hear a word of common sense from him; and to have spoken a word of common sense, would have disgraced you with him for ever.
History says, however, that John did not continue very long in this humour; and, indeed, it must be owned, that itwas for once a good thing to be of a changeable temper: it would have been the devil indeed, to have continued for ever in the hands of spies and informers, perpetually talking of the miseries of human life; and the truth is, that there was nothing in the world more repugnant to his ordinary temper; so that though he could not all at once return to a perfect cordiality with his sister, yet he listened to people who advised him to take gentle methods with her. He accordingly, let evenMr.Luchar himself off, with little more than an obligation to put on his breeches every morning before he came down stairs among the ladies; and sent a civil message to his sister, to ask her how she did, and to propose taking a lease of her garret, andsaid that he would pay her any rent she chose to put upon it. Many odd projects, indeed, were put in his head at this time; such as to turn that garret into a stable and coach-house; to make sister Peg lodge her coals in it, brew her ale, and wash her linen; in short, to makeMr.Luchar himself, besides putting on his breeches, carry up earth, and plant cabbages and turnips upon the leads. It is true, that nothing of all this has been done; but it is not John’s fault, he was at some expence about it, and meant all for the best.