NEWSPAPER HUMOUR.
To keep apples from spoiling, they should be placed in a cool room in the house occupied by a family with eight children.
Florist.“Look at the blush on these roses, sir.”
Bachelor(with a look at his purse). “I see. They must be blushing at the exorbitant price you charge for them.”
FLORIST: “LOOK AT THE BLUSH ON THESE ROSES, SIR.”
FLORIST: “LOOK AT THE BLUSH ON THESE ROSES, SIR.”
FLORIST: “LOOK AT THE BLUSH ON THESE ROSES, SIR.”
Domestic Morality.
Domestic Morality.
Domestic Morality.
“You have not been looking sharp, Bet; the butcher has given you more bones than meat again.”
Bet.“Well, I told him so at the time. I said,if it was for myself I wouldn’t take it.”
Actor.“When I was last acting here, the public were so enthusiastic, you can’t imagine. Why, they insisted oncarryingme back to the hotel, when I left the theatre.”
Critic.“Man, man, you don’t mean to say you were so far gone asthat?”
Patient.“Doctor, I think I have had an attack of the gout.”
Doctor.“Stuff and nonsense! if you had really had one, you couldn’tthink—you’d know it.”
“Father,” inquired a small boy, “what does a ‘Paradise’ mean?”
“A Paradise, my son, is the corner by the fire when your mother has gone to stay with her friends for a few days.”
A Harmless Insect.
A Harmless Insect.
A Harmless Insect.
Traveller.“Waiter, how can you give me soup like this?—there’s a fly in it.”
Waiter.“Oh!thatwon’t hurt you—it’s quite dead.”
A lady having engaged a new man-servant, answering to the name of Joseph, told him that she would always ring once for him, and twice for her maid.
A short time after this, she rang the bell, but Joseph failed to appear. She grew impatient, and pulled the bell-rope again. The maid entered.
“I did not ring for you; I wanted Joseph. Why does he not come?”
“Joseph,” replied the maid, “is sitting by the fire, reading Madame’s paper. When Madame rang the first time, he told me to look out, for he should not wonder if you were to ring again. And when Madame did so, he turned to me, and said, ‘See? that’s for you.’”
“Why, ma’am,” said the housemaid, when she heard that her mistress had been very unwell during the night, “why didn’t you tell me when you felt ill?”
“I didn’t want to wake you, you had been working hard all day, and——”
“Oh! that’s nothing; you might have called me all the same. I sleep so sound that you would never have waked me.”