NEWSPAPER HUMOUR.
From Sad Experience.
From Sad Experience.
From Sad Experience.
She—“Do tell me, how do you know the age of a horse you want to buy?”
He—“Nothing easier; you just double the age the dealer gives him.”
Professor(at a clinical lecture)—“This patient has been suffering from a disease of the hip-joint, so that he still walks lame to an appreciable extent. What would you, sir” (to one of the students), “do in such a case?”
Student—“I think, in that case, I should walk lame too, sir.”
Natural History.
Natural History.
Natural History.
Master—“The development and improvement of race has not only shown itself among mankind, but may clearly be observed among the lower animals. Who can give me an example of this?”
FROM SAD EXPERIENCE.
FROM SAD EXPERIENCE.
FROM SAD EXPERIENCE.
Janneke Snobs—“I, sir.”
M.—“In what sort of animals?”
J. S.—“Among asses, sir.”
M.—“How so?”
J. S.—“Why, in Balaam’s time, asses were only just beginning to speak, and yesterday I heard M. Snugger say that there are plenty of asses sitting in the Chamber of Deputies.”
History.
History.
History.
Master—“In what battle was Gustav Adolf killed?”
Janneke Snobs—“In his last battle, I believe, sir.”
Precautions.
Precautions.
Precautions.
Many centuries ago, the gallows stood on the banks of the Scheldt; and once, when two thieves were to be hanged, the rope broke, as the first was being turned off, and let him into the water. He swam across the river, and escaped.
“Look out!” said the second to the executioner, “see that the rope does not break with me—forI can’t swim!”
A gentleman was buying a newspaper at a kiosk, and wanted change for a frank. “I have no change,” said the saleswoman; “you can pay me to-morrow.”
“But supposing I am dead by to-morrow?”
“Oh, that can’t be any great loss,” she replied, innocently.
A servant girl, writing home to her parents, said, “I am sorry I have no money to buy a stamp for this letter; I will put two on the next.”
Uilenspiegel.
Uilenspiegel.
Uilenspiegel.
Uilenspiegel.
“A GENTLEMAN WAS BUYING A PAPER AT A KIOSK.”
“A GENTLEMAN WAS BUYING A PAPER AT A KIOSK.”
“A GENTLEMAN WAS BUYING A PAPER AT A KIOSK.”
In Court.
In Court.
In Court.
Judge—“Is this your signature?”
Witness—“I don’t know.”
Judge—“Look at it carefully.”
Witness—“I can’t say for certain.”
Judge(impatiently)—“Come, make haste, just write your name.”
Witness—“I’m no scholar, sir; I can’t write.”
Economy.
Economy.
Economy.
Father—“I should never have thought that studying would have cost so much money.”
Student-Son—“Yes; and if you only knew how little I have studied!”
Van Honsbœren, junior, one evening sat gazing at his father, when the latter had fallen asleep sitting by the stove.
“Father,” cried the little fellow, suddenly, “you look just like a lion!”
“A lion!” exclaimed Van Honsbœren, waking up, “why, you’ve never seen any lions.”
“Oh yes, father! on the beach at Blankenberghe.”
“You stupid boy, those were not lions, they were donkeys.”
“Well, those are what I mean!”
Snugger—“M. le Juge, I have been fined for letting my dog go about without a muzzle, and he certainly had one on.”
Judge—“Theagent de policesays your dog had no muzzle on.”
Snugger—“Indeed, he had one on, sir.”
Gendarme—“Yes, but he was not wearing it on his head.”
Snugger—“The regulations do not specifywherea dog is to wear his muzzle—and so, to let the beast get his breath, I tied the muzzle to his tail.”
Judge—“Five francs fine. Next case!”
Snobs has bought a steam-engine, and was showing it to his friend Snugger yesterday.
“How many horse-power is that machine?” asked Snugger.
“Horse-power!” exclaimed Snobs, “don’t you see it goes by steam?”
Nothing is more uncomfortable for a woman who has to keep a secret than to find no one who is curious about it.
The human being who can pass a hoarding marked “Wet Paint,” without putting his finger on it to feel if the paint really is wet, possesses strength of will and self-control enough to rule a kingdom.
A lady having run against the freshly painted rail of a bridge, and carried off a considerable quantity of the paint on her dress, the bridge-keeper said to her consolingly,—
“Never mind, ma’am, they’re going to paint it again to-morrow, any way!”