NEWSPAPER HUMOUR.

Otherwise Engaged.

Police-Magistrate—“What insolence! to break into a house, in a busy street, in the middle of the day!”

Thief—“I was already engaged for the evening.”

Wedded Love.

Jan—“Oh, Julie! how pleased I am to see you!”

Julie—“Is that true, Jan?”

Jan—“Yes, my little wife, my——”

Julie—“If we were out at sea, and I were to fall overboard, what would you do?”

Jan—“First, I should see what time it was; then I should inform the captain that there was some one overboard, and ask whether the vessel could be stopped. When it was stopped, I would have a boat let down, and row back to the place where you had fallen into the water. It would be quite easy to find, because I should have noticed the time at which we were there, the rate we were going at, and the direction the ship was taking. If you were still floating, it would be all right; if you had sunk, we should have to wait till bubbles——”

Julie—“Oh! you heartless scoundrel! You murderer! I’ll never go anywhere with you!”

(And then she went to her mother and told her that Jan was a fellow of uncommon sense and shrewdness, who could not fail to make his fortune, &c. &c.)

Tybaert de Kater.

Professor(at Medical lecture)—“What would you do, if you found the condition of the patient in this case had become worse?”

Student—“I should thank Heaven I was not in his skin.”

“OTHERWISE ENGAGED.”

On the Steam-Tram.

“Hallo!—Conductor!”

“What is it, sir?”

“Why is the tram stopping here? There is no station—I can only see one house.”

“Oh, we’re stopping because Farmer Verschueren’s wife wants to come to town.”

“I wish she’d make haste, then!”

“Yes—but she wants to take a dozen eggs to market, and she has only eleven. The hen is on the nest, and as soon as she has laid the egg we are going on.”

Tybaert.

A lawyer had had his photograph taken. He was wearing his morning coat, and had his hands in the pockets.

“Is it not a good likeness?” asked the photographer, showing it to one of his friends.

“Speaking—as far as the face is concerned; but, for the rest, there is something wrong about it.”

“What is that?”

“A lawyer never puts his hands inhis ownpockets.”

At the Chemistry Class.

“What is found in salt-water besides the chloride of iodine we have just been speaking of?”

Youngest Pupil—“Herrings, sir.”

Overheard in the Street.

“Good-morning, William. Why! how changed you are!”

“Don’t be offended—but my name is not William!”

“Well, now!—he has changed even his very name!”

“Bonifacius,” said Madame Snobs, “the way you are taking to drink is disgraceful! You didn’t come home till nearly morning, and now you want to go out again before dinner-time! You ought to be ashamed of yourself. If I was a man like that, I would drop into the ground for shame!”

“You are quite right, wife,” said Snobs; “just give me the key of the cellar.”

Snobs was for some time Justice of the Peace at Bommerskonten, and is now Mayor of that village. The first time he celebrated a marriage there, he asked the bride—

“Do you take Kobe Kullemans, who is standing beside you, for your husband?”

“Yes, sir,” replied the bride.

“Prisoner at the bar,” continued Snobs, “what have you to say in your defence?”

Snobs—“What clever answers that fellow Snugger can give, to be sure, when one asks him anything!”

Madame Snobs—“Why—I have never noticed that.”

Snobs—“Indeed it is so. Yesterday I asked him if he would lend me twenty francs. He did not say either yes or no, but he asked me if I thought he was mad.”

Practical.

“John,” said the lady of the house to the new man-servant, who had several times startled her by falling into the room like a bombshell, “when you come in, you must knock first, and wait till you hear some one say, ‘Come in.’”

When the lady and her husband are seated at dinner, John comes up to the door, opens it just wide enough to put his head through, draws back, shuts the door, and knocks.

“Come in!” cries the mistress, in amazement. “Didn’t you understand me? You were to knock, and then wait till I said, ‘Come in,’—instead of that, you peep round the door first. What do you mean by it?”

“Why, I had to see if there was any one in the room to tell me to come in!”

Uilenspiegel.

Jewish Courtship.

Rachel—“But, Moses lad, you say you are so fond of me—would you really go through the fire for me?”

Moses—“Of course, Rachel, darling—that is to say, if I was well insured.”

“JEWISH COURTSHIP.”

Mother Spons—“What do I see, Mother Snaps!—you look quite well to-day, and yet I was told you could not get out of your bed.”

Mother Snaps—“Well—and no more I can,—for as soon as ever I get up, that husband of mine will carry it straight to the pawnbroker’s!”

“Who wrote the Psalms?” asked Pater Dodd, somewhat sharply, of his class. All were silent, and the good priest repeated the question.

“It was not I, sir,” responded Janneke Snobs, beginning to cry.

“I ask you who wrote them!” repeated the priest.

“Yes, sir,” said Janneke, heroically, at last, “I did it, but I’ll never do it again, as long as I live!”

At School.

The master is explaining the arithmetical operation of subtraction:—

“Now, Jantje, if your mother gives you five slices of bread and butter, and you eat two, how many will you have left?”

“Mother never gives me so many, sir.”

“Well, then, if you have five marbles in your pocket, and take out two, how many will there be left in it?”

“None at all, sir,—there’s a hole in my pocket.”

A.—“Our business is so extensive that we have to keep a man on purpose to thrash the apprentices, and he’s at it all day.”

B.—“That’s nothing to ours! Our establishment is so immense that we have to keep St Bernard dogs in the corridors to look for the customers who lose themselves there!”

A man who had repeatedly called on a nobleman to obtain payment of a debt, was refused access by the well-drilled footman, in the words, “The Baron does not receive to-day.”

“That is all the same to me,” replied the creditor; “I don’t care,—as long as he willgive.”

At a Restaurant.

Snugger(who has been waiting over an hour for his beefsteak)—“Look here, waiter, are you the same that put this plate on the table?”

Waiter—“Yes, sir.”

Snugger—“Heavens! you’ve grown out of all knowledge since then!”

A Pleasant Trade.

A small boy goes howling along the street. Our friend Snobs accosts him with, “What is the matter, my little man?”

Boy howls.

“Where do you live?”

Boy howls still.

“What is your father’s name?”

More howling.

“What is your mother’s name?”

Still more.

“What does your father do?”

“Beats mother. Ow! ow! ow!”

Disconsolate.

Kind-hearted Farmer’s Wife—“Pietje, my boy, what’s the matter?”

Pietje(howling)—“Can’t eat any more apples.”

“Well, put them in your pockets, can’t you?”

“Oh! oh! oh! My pockets are full! Oh! oh! oh! oh!”

Judge—“But why in the world did you go so far to steal wine, when you might easily have got it in your master’s cellar?”

Prisoner—“I knew my master’s wine too well to steal even one bottle of it.”

Allemansvriend.

Judge(to convicted thief)—“You seem to understand your business.”

Prisoner—“Yes, my lord, and if you could steal as well as I, you wouldn’t care to sit on the bench any longer.”

Vlaamsche Illustratie.

In the Confessional.

Boy—“Rev. Father, I have stolen twenty-five yards of stuff from farmer Klaas.”

Priest—“Oh! that is very bad.”

Boy—“Yes; mother said it was bad, when she saw it, but still she thought it would do to make sacks of.”

Allemansvriend.

Never estimate a man’s value according to the silk umbrella he carries; he has probably left a cotton one somewhere in place of it.

We are all ready to set up as moral physicians, and each of us can give his advice; but a University diploma is necessary before you can cure a child of the stomach-ache.

Many a man who says that he works like a barge-horse, is probably thinking of the time when the barge-horse is standing in the stall eating oats.

A word is enough for the wise. This is probably the reason why an advocate has to plead for half a day before a jury.

Kobe Snullemans was about to be married, but he had only two francs, and the priest asked a fee of twenty.

“Oh! your reverence!” said Kobe, “just marry me a little then, as much as you can for two francs!”

Tybaert.

Janneke Snobs—“Mamma, how do the niggers on the Congo know when it is Sunday? they have no clean shirts to put on.”

Conductor(to his clerk)—“Did you give the hundred francs to the chairman of the Board of Works?”

Clerk—“Yes, sir.”

Con.—“What sort of a face did he make?”

Clerk—“He looked very much offended.”

Con.—“Didn’t he say anything?”

Clerk—“Yes, sir.”

Con.—“What did he say?”

Clerk—“That you and I ought to go to jail!”

Con.—“And what did he do then?”

Clerk—“He took the money.”

Uilenspiegel.

Unnecessary.

Kapblok, the butcher’s man, is running, knife in hand, after Snugger’s dog, who has stolen a piece of meat out of his shop.

Snugger—“Kapblok, where are you running to with that knife?”

Kapblok—“Don’t you see the beast has got hold of a piece of the best beef?”

Snugger—“Is that all? Just put your knife back again; he never cuts his meat, he can worry it down well enough without that.”

“KAPBLOK, THE BUTCHER’S MAN.”

Janneke Snobs(on his grandfather’s birthday)—“Grandfather dear, I have come to wish you many happy returns of the day, and I hope you may live a long time this year!”

Tybaert.

In the Carnival.

“Well, Krelis, are you going to put on a mask?”

A Voice—“If he would just wash himself for once, and put on a clean collar, no one would know him.”

A Heart-Felt Petition.

When Mané was still a minister, he was tolerably well known as a henpecked man. In church, on one occasion, he closed his extempore prayer with the following words:—“And now, O Lord! we pray for the wives of preachers. Some people think they are angels, but Thou, who knowest the hearts, art well aware that....”

History does not record what took place between Mané and his wife when he returned home that day.

Inspecting General(to Private)—“Are you satisfied with your rations?”

Private—“Yes, sir.”

General—“How about the meat? Does every one get served alike? or does one get much and another little?”

Private—“No, sir; we all get very little.”

Sentry—“My good woman, what do you want with the pillar-box? You’ve been standing there half-an-hour at least.”

Old Woman—“Well, I don’t mind if I tell you, sir. I put a letter in, and I’m waiting for the answer.”

Tall Barrister—“Not so fast, my friend. You know I could easily put you in my pocket.”

Short Ditto—“If my learned brother were to do so, he would have more law in his pocket than in his head.”

“Professor, I have come to express my gratitude. All that I know, I owe to you.”

Professor—“Come, come, friend, don’t mention it.Such a trifleis really not worth remembering.”

“INSPECTOR GENERAL: ‘ARE YOU SATISFIED WITH YOUR RATIONS?’”

At the Hatter’s.

“What! you say this hat is thirty florins?”

“Yes, sir; real Panama.”

“But I don’t see any holes in the top.”

“Holes, sir?”

“Of course; the man who is ass enough to pay as much as that will want holes to let his ears through.”

Lawyer—“My friend, you are an ass!”

Witness—“Do you mean, sir, that I am your friend because I am an ass? or that I am an ass because I am your friend?”

Waiter—“Why, sir, there was a gentleman here last week painting this very place.”

Painter(absently)—“Yes. Was he an artist?”

Waiter—“An artist? No, sir; he was avery respectable man.”

The Uncle(from whom one has expectations)—“My dearest boy, I have thought over the matter for some time, but I really cannot give you the sum you want. I never depart from my principles, and one of them is, not to undress before I go to bed.”

Nephew(constrainedly)—“Very sorry, very sorry, indeed.... (With an effusive grasp of the hand.) Good-night, uncle!Good-night!”

On a River Steamer.

Gentleman(first-class)—“Captain, I say! this is an unpardonable want of delicacy. Can’t you direct this cursed smoke towards thesecond-class passengers?”

The Next Regiment.

Country Lass—“Soldier, may I give you this pound of tobacco to take to my cousin Jan? He’s in the 3rd, and I see you’re in the 2nd; so you’re just next to him.”

Soldier—“With pleasure, lass; give it here. I’ll see that he don’t have anything to pay for carriage.” (He rides away, in a state of total indifference to Cousin Jan, and all that concerns him. Jan’s cousin goes home, happy in the thought that he is going to get his tobacco so cheaply.)

Very Select.

“Do tell me, Baron, is there not a very clever surgeon living in the village near your castle?”

“I am told so, madam, but ... you understand ... a country practitioner like that ... I cannot put any confidence in him.... I only have him sent for when one of the servants is ill.”

Shopkeeper(catching boy with both hands in the till)—“You young scoundrel, what do you want there?”

Boy—“I ... I ... I’m looking for my cap.”

Shopkeeper—“It’s on your head all the time, gallows-bird.”

Boy—“On my head? Oh, no! you’re out there. That’s not my cap; that’s one I borrowed till I could find my own.”

An Incorruptible Official.

Suitor(from the country)—“Sir, here is a bit of a ham, home-cured, just to thank you for——”

Official—“What? Idiot! rascal! Do you think a sworn civil servant is going to let himself be bribed? Hand over the ham at once! Hand it over, I say! And now out with you! There’s the door! Out you go! March!”

Silent reflections of a member of the dangerous classes.—“It’s mighty queer; this makes five times I’ve been had up for stealing, and each time they’ve let me off.... Hanged if I understand it; but it does seem as if they meant me to go on!”

College Porter—“Yes, sir; our late colleague was one who always discharged the duties of his office with the greatest zeal. And now he is dead, and has not left a cent to pay for his funeral. We have therefore resolved to get up a subscription; and I have taken the liberty of coming to you, thinking you would contribute something towards so worthy an object. We still want ten guilders.”

Student(in a voice trembling with emotion)—“Ten guilders ... I am deeply touched ... instead of ten I’ll give you a hundred; but do please bury a few more college porters with the money.”

On Parade.

Short Subaltern(to tall recruit)—“Fellow, how dare you have the impudence to look down on me like that? Come, stand up straight—eyes right—look straight before you.”

Recruit—“Good-bye, sir!”

Short S.—“Are you mad, you scoundrel?”

Recruit—“No, sir; but if I am to keep looking straight in front of me, sir, I’d better say good-bye, sir, please sir, for I’ll never see you again in my life, sir!”

Tenant—“Gracious goodness! You have raised the rent again ... and what for?”

Landlord—“What for?—you want to know what for? Why, for one thing, there’s the new clock-tower and clock right in front of your window. Do you think I intend to make you a present of that?”

Mistress(giving out provisions for the kitchen)—“Don’t you want any butter, Mie?”

Maid—“No, thank you, Mevrouw. I belong to the Temperance Society, and must not take anythingstrong.”

1st Soldier(in the country)—“What are those things in the field over there?”

2nd Soldier—“Those are traps to catch moles.”

1st S.—“That’s just one of your larks again! Just as though the moles would be fools enough to go and get caught in that little spot of ground, when there are acres of fields all round.”

2nd S.—“Well, how is it that, when the town is so big and the cell at the police-station so small, you’re always in it?”

A Double Misfortune.

“Do you not think it a deeply significant fact, Henri,” said the poet to his friend, “that I was born on the same day on which Goethe died?”

Henri—“Both events are cruel misfortunes to literature.”

Mrs A.’s housemaid has come round with a message:—

“Mistress’s compliments, and she would like to know if you will come to spend to-morrow evening?”

Mrs B.—“Very pleased, I am sure.... Are there more people coming?”

Housemaid—“I have them here on a list.”

Mrs B.—“Let me see.... Why, there are at least thirty names here!”

Housemaid—“Yes, but most of them know that the children have the chicken-pox, and mistress was reckoning on that!”

At the Solicitor’s.

“Good-morning, sir! May I ask you to advise me what compensation is due when another person’s dog does damage in any one’s house?”

“Certainly, sir. The injured party is entitled to two guilders compensation.”

“May I ask you for that sum, then? It is your dog that I have to complain of.”

“Ah! Then it is your property that my dog has damaged? Nothing can be fairer than that I should pay you the legal compensation. Here are twenty cents.”

“Twenty cents!”

“Yes. As thus:—

A Slight Mistake.

A man, who thought himself a scientist, gave a public lecture on electricity. The hall was at first tolerably well filled, but the audience were not long in finding out with whom they had to do, and began to go out one by one. At last only one man remained, who listened with the greatest attention, and thus encouraged the lecturer to continue. At the end of half-an-hour he interrupted himself, and said politely—

“I beg your pardon, sir, but I hope I am not trespassing on your kindness? I shall have finished in ten minutes.”

“Ten minutes! You can go on for another hour—or all night, if you like—so long as you don’t forget that you engaged me by the hour!”

The unhappy man perceived too late that it was the cabman who had driven him down to the lecture-hall.

Horseman(passing window of farmhouse)—“I say, you stupid lout, I want to know why you are always laughing when I ride past?”

Peasant—“Why, sir, it is because you always happen to ride past when I am laughing.”

A.—“How are you, old fellow? Have you heard who has got that situation in the Home Office that you were trying for?”

B.—“Some ass or other, I suppose, who doesn’t in the least deserve it!”

A.—“Of thatyoushould be the best judge; you are the lucky man!”

Back to Index Next